List of oneshots part 4
Chapter 94
Plot: After hearing his sister got knocked up, Blitzo and the gang head to the human world to lend a hand.
Series: Helluva Boss
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It was another day for The I.M.P. team and it was going as well as one would expect, poorly.
Loona was on her second bottle in the morning, Millie was throwing knives at a dart board, with Moxxie trying to talk some sense into Blitzo on their recent budget.
"Sir, we can't afford to replace all our chairs with massage chairs." He repeated for the fifth time. "We can't afford five, let alone one."
"Not with that negative world view we can't." He remarked with a confidant smirk with his feet on his desk. "We can just cut back on a few things."
"Sir? With all due respect, the only thing we should cut back on is your needless shopping." Moxxie shot back. "Otherwise we'll have to look for work in the adult film industry."
"Oh please Mox, I doubt you'd get many fans with a baby wiener. Me on the other hand? Chances are I'd get too popular."
"It's not that small!" Screamed Moxxie.
"Ah can vouch for that." Millie raised her hand.
"Point is, my shopping is perfectly fine."
Moxxie gave him a deadpan stare before gesturing to the side of the room where a pile of numerous horse merchandise and toys rested with a brightly colored horse costume sitting right beside it. "Then how do you explain all this?"
"... business expense."
"Bullshit." Moxxie Deadpanned.
Before Blitzo could defend himself, a tear suddenly appeared from thin air.
"Woah, what the?!"
"Aw great." Blitzo groaned, sitting up in annoyance. "Damn it Stolas, I get my ass is great, but it's not even close to the deadline."
Suddenly an envelope came out before the tear disappeared.
"Well this is new." Blitzo said as Moxxie walked up and picked up the envelope. "Now he's using portals to send me love letters."
"Uh sir, this isn't from Stolas, it's from your sister Barbie."
"WHAT?!" Screamed Blitzo before grabbing the envelope and pushed Moxxie to the ground. The envelope read 'Read me, now' with his sister's signature at the bottom. Without hesitation, he tore it open and fished out the letter.
"What's it say Blitz?" Millie questioned as Moxxie picked himself up and dusted his clothes off.
"Barbie, she...she needs help. Apparently she wants to put a hit on some bastard who...who..." he looked closer and rubbed his eyes. "Alright my eyes must be going bad, you read this last part Mils."
Millie took the letter and looked it over before gasping deeply. "Your sister is pregnant!?"
"Say what?!" her husband let out as Blitzo nodded with a smile.
"Ah, that's what I-SHE'S WHAT?!" Blitzo snatched the note and looked it over again and again but it was always the same. He let out a snarl before tearing the letter to shreds. "Who the FUCK knocked my sister up?! I'm gonna rip their heads off and shit down their throat!"
"Sir calm down." Said Moxxie.
"DON'T TELL ME TO FUCKING CALM DOWN MOXXIE YOU LITTLE BABY DICKED TROLL!" he snapped, getting in Moxxie's face before he started shaking him. "WE'RE GOING TO FIND BARBIE AND FIND OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" He dropped Moxxie to the floor and stomped towards his office door. "LOONA! GET THE WEAPONS!"
"Get them yourself." She said before Blitzo slammed his fist on her desk making her flinch.
"Loony, I love you, but do NOT give me any bullshit today. Now get off your furry ass AND DO AS YOUR TOLD!"
Loona's eyes widened, going completely still, before putting her bottle down and moving to get the weapons without a word.
He then kicked the door to his office open and went inside leaving the other two imps in shock.
"Did...Did Blitzo just raise his voice? To Loona?" asked Moxxie.
"Yeah...it was kinda hot."
"Hey! I'm standing right here."
"Ah know baby, Ah'm just sayin'."
Blitzo grabbed his phone and looked through his contacts before hitting speed dial and held it to his ear. "Come on, come on, come on." He repeated like a mantra waiting for an answer.
After a few more seconds, it was picked up.
"Well hello Blitzie." Came the voice of Stolas, heavy with lust.
"Clench your bird puss Stolas, this isn't a social call." Blitzo clarified. "Look, I know right now you've got your book using it for whatever you use it for, but right now I need it and I need it fast."
"What? Blitz, I'm training Octavia. After the incident with that bounty hunter my bitch of an ex-wife sent to kill me, I felt I needed to accelerate her training." replied Stolas as he watched Octavia trying to form several arcane runes in the air, and failing. "I want to make sure she's able to defend herself from any nutjob."
"Uggghh... okay fine, I'll come to you and you can open the portal for me." he rubbed the bridge between his eyes.
"Is it some big job you've been hired to do?"
"Something like that, yeah." he glanced around the office. "Let's just say it's personal and if I don't get it done, I'm gonna go limp for the next three months."
"I'll get everything ready." Stolas replied almost immediately.
"Great." he ended the call right before hearing a knock at the door.
"Blitzo? The weapons are together." came Loona's voice.
"Good. Everyone in the van, we're out of here in five."
After getting in the van, Blitzo made good time by flooring the gas and barreling through the city. The rest of the team could swear they could see the veins in his head.
"Sir! Please! Slow down!" Moxxie cried out, him and Millie sliding against each other with each turn while Loona was gripping her seat tight enough to tear into the fabric.
"Shut up Mox, I don't want to hear your whiny mouth." he spoke without turning his head, turning a hard right with Millie landing on Moxxie as Loona felt like she was gonna hurl. "We're getting to Stolas' place even if I have to run over a hundred bastards to do it!"
He made a hard right causing Millie to roll on her front with her backside with Moxxie landing on top of her in a compromising position. They looked at the other with smiles before yelping when he made a hard left and caused them to fall on the floor in a more awkward position. With Moxxie on his back and Millie sitting on his crotch.
"Oooh, this remind you of anything Mox?"
"Our honeymoon comes to mind."
"Knock it off you two, we're almost there." Blitzo said, taking out his phone and hitting the speed dial. "Stolas we're coming in hot so unless you want me to plow through your gate be read with that portal!"
"Already on it Blitzie." came the prince's voice as the van came within driving distance of the manor. He stood at the front and watched the van come flying down the road. "Oh, if only he were that eager with me."
"Blitzo? Shouldn't we, I don't know, slow down?!" Loona let out, the gates getting closer and closer with the van not slowing down.
"Not on your life."
"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT!"
Stolas held his hand up as a portal began to form, the van getting closer and closer.
Fearing they weren't going to make it, the three passengers screamed in terror.
Blitzo kept his foot on the gas as the portal got big enough with the van driving right on through. After arriving in the human world the van skid to a stop. "Alright, we're here." Said Blitzo getting out while the other three were coming down from their terror. Moxxie and Millie clung to each other as they trembled and Loona clutched her chest while trying to catch her breath. The hellhound's cheeks suddenly puffed up before she jumped out the window and ran to a trash can to throw up. "Alright gang, now keep your eyes peeled. We need to find Barbie ASAP!"
"Blitz...never...do that... again." Loona growled as she wiped her mouth with M & M wobbling out of the van, leaning against each other to keep from falling down.
"Walk it off!" barked Blitzo. "Who knows how long it'll take to find Barbie? Could be hours, or days, or-" Blitzo started before looking ahead at the hotel they wound up in front of without any humans around to have witnessed them arrive from Hell. "We're here."
"Are you sure this is the place?" Moxxie asked while Blitzo looked over the tattered pieces of his sister's letter.
"That's what was written on this thing. Now we just need to find her without getting noticed. Loony? Do your thing."
She nods before sniffing the air. She shifted into her human form while the others went to put on the trench coats from the van and followed, the four entering the hotel. They managed to get past the door man surprisingly easily, mostly because he was asleep with a playboy magazine on his face. They snuck their way around the pillars and furniture in the lobby while the guy behind the counter was in the middle of watching random videos on his phone.
"Jeez, the staffing in this place stinks." Moxxie said. "How in the world did they get jobs if this is what they're like on the clock?"
"Shitty management Ah guess." Millie said as she saw a bellhop dry humping a maid against a wall.
"Loona, which way?" whispered Blitzo.
"Fifth floor, if my nose is right." Loona replied.
The group all rushed over to the elevator, only to see an 'out of order' sign in front of it.
"Oh for fucks sake!" Blitzo let's out. He led the charge as they headed up the stairs, bolting up them in large leaps with the other three lagging behind.
"Well this job is off to a great start."
After the trivial run up the stairs, they reached the fifth floor with Loona leading the way this time, coming to a door at the far end of the hall.
"This is it. This is the place."
Blitzo walked over and had to take a moment to take a deep breath before he raised his hand and started to bang on the door. "Barbie! Open up!"
"Sir please, we don't want to attract any unwanted attention."
"Well maybe we don't need to worry if SOMEBODY OPENS THIS GODDAMN DOOR!" He yelled banging on the door again. Right when he brought his fist down again, the door slammed open before he suddenly found himself decked in the face. "AGH, FUCK!"
"Shut the fuck up you idiot! I'm not deaf!" Chastised Barb poking her head out the door.
"Ow..." Blitzo rubbed his nose and glared up at his sister. "Hey don't get mad at me! I came here because YOU were the one who thought it'd be easier to send a fucking letter. Ever heard of a thing called phones?"
"And let you have my number? Not a chance in any of the seven rings of hell." She said before opening the door. "Now get in here before the neighbors see you."
He got back up and walked inside with the rest of I.M.P. joining, looking around the interior to see cracks in the wall, a leaking kitchen sink, with a weird smell. "Strange place to set up a meeting Barb." Blitzo stated.
"Not like I had much choice considering I've been living here for almost nine months." She said walking to a couch and sat down. It was only then that her guests got a look at her now rounded midsection.
Blitzo's eyes were the widest, seeing her stomach was protruding out to show she was far in her state, making the imp rub his forehead and have to take a spot in a nearby chair. "Holy shit. You really did get knocked up."
"Thank you for stating the obvious, Jackass." she rolled her eyes as Moxxie scratched the top of his head.
"But...how?"
"Gee ya twink, how else do you think I got a damn bun in the oven? The fucking stork?"
Moxxie was about to speak before Millie beat him to the punch. "Ah think what Moxxie means is that we'd like you to elaborate on why you called us here and what it has to do with your pregnancy."
"Fine, I'll cut to the chase: I wanna put a hit on the bastard who did this to me."
"Wait, hold on, you want us to kill the father of your child?" Blitzo questioned.
"Have you considered couples counseling first?" Moxxie suggested.
"No! To both of those things!" Barb shouted. "We're not a couple and I don't want you to kill him." she clarified before looking at Moxxie over and raised an eyebrow. " Wait, that's what you wear?"
" Yes, why?"
" I figured you dressed in drag all the time just to show off your ass." she replied bluntly, making Moxxie's face turn more red.
"Of course not!"
"Yeah! He does that only in the bedroom when it's just us two!" Millie interjected with a huff.
"Millie!"
"Can we please get back to business? Now was it some random asshole you fucked while drunk that did it?"
"Fuck no. I got more class than that. Actually it was my new supplier. You know since you blew my last one's head off!" she snapped, making Blitzo roll his eyes.
"Hey, I'm not the one who shot a firework at his face."
"Actually, that was on me." Millie pointed out. "Honestly Ah had no intention of killing him , it was an accident."
"Yeah I know, that's what saved my ass from losing my job, but after that little snafu I had to find a new supplier."
"No one says snafu anymore." Loona commented.
"I'm sorry, who are you?" she asked with a raised eyebrow before turning to her brother. "Satan's balls Blitz, did you go and get some pet because you were lonely or something?"
"Oh shit, I almost forgot." Blitzo remarked before walking over to Loona. "Barbie, meet your niece, loona."
"Niece?!" she let out with Loona flipping her the bird. "Sweet seven rings of Hell, what poor bitch did you knock up?"
"He adopted me ya old hag."
"Hey, you should consider yourself lucky you're not swimming in our gene pool. Did your dad ever tell you we were circus folk?"
"Kinda figured that out from all the posters in his office."
"Can we get back on topic please?" Moxxie questioned. "You mentioned a new supplier."
"Yeah, this guy who I ran into, who was WAY more competent than the first dipshit. He actually knew what he was doing and didn't leave any trails around. So I went to him offering my product, but he was a shrewd negotiator and he wanted a little more then good product. If you catch my drift."
"Unfortunately, I do." Blitzo replied with disgust.
"So anyway we go into his office to fuck and I told him to pull out when he got close, I'm an Imp not a succubus."
"Do we need to hear this part?" Blitzo questioned feeling uncomfortable listening about his sister's sex life.
"Does it bother you?" Questioned barb.
"Yes actually."
"Then there's your answer. ANYWAY the minute I tell him I'm about to cum that asshole rams into my cunt and blows his load, but did he stop there? No, he keeps humping away like an animal in heat until he was empty."
"Reminds me of me and Moxxie when we wanted some alone time in my parents' barn." smiled Millie, making Moxxie blush and Loona gag.
"Oh well glad you know how to have fun, except some of us aren't too keen on being used as a god damn cumdump!" she snapped. "When that motherfucker found out I was pregnant, he flat out refused to take responsibility, said he pays me enough for the drugs, and had his goons throw me out on the street. That's why I contacted you, so you could hunt him down and make him WISH he was dead!"
"Oh so you just want us to send him a message."
"Oh no, this is more than just a message. It's a damn reminder on what he did and how he fucked me over. I want him to remember it every single time he wakes up until the day he bites the big one. I want him to suffer for the rest of his goddamn life."
"Little out of our comfort zone but for you sis, sure." smirked Blitzo. "Where do we find this fucker?"
"He operates down at the docks, just look for the one with a red Lamborghini and you'll find him."
"And in the meantime you can go back to our office in hell and wait for us there." Millie suggested.
"No, I can't." Barbie replied.
"Oh come on, sure it's not the Ritz, but it's better than this place."
"No, I mean I literally can't go back to hell, I can't pass through my portal or ANY portals I've been stranded here on Earth for almost nine months." she informed, making them look lost.
"Wait, what? What do you mean stranded?"
Barb sighed then rested her head in her hands with her elbows on her knees. "When I tried going back to hell it was like walking into a closed window. I could see and hear everything on the other side but I couldn't get through. What's worse is that even after removing my Asmodean crystal I was still stuck in human form. I got in contact with a friend who explained that the crystals have a side effect that increases the chances of interbreeding between humans and demons, but when a female demon gets pregnant they're stuck in human form and unable to pass into hell."
"So until you pop the brat out, this is basically jail." clarified Loona.
"Yeah, just one of the miracles of life." she rolled her eyes with Blitzo standing up.
"Well, in that case, we've got a plan. M & M? You two stay here with Barbie and make sure she's safe in case that rugrat tries to pop out, while me and Loony go hunt down this asshole and make him wish his mama still had him stuffed up her cunt."
"I can take care of myself." Barb says, trying to stand only to wince and move her hand to her back with a hiss. "Oooh, my back."
"The fuck you can." frowned Blitzo with a concerned look in his eyes. "You need to take it easy while I take care of the piece of shit."
"Okay fine, but at the very least take your most competent employee with you. I'm not saying I don't trust hellhounds, but I know you; Blitzo if you don't have someone watching you the whole thing turns into a shitstorm."
"Hey! I'll have you know I've done plenty of jobs just fine on my own."
"That and I'm the only person on our team who can disguise herself." Loona stated.
"Oh yeah, that reminds me." Barb says before taking her watch off and handing it to her brother. "Here."
"What, is there a time limit on this job or-"
"No you idiot. It's my Asmodean crystal. As in the thing that lets me disguise myself as a human?" she raised an eyebrow with Blitzo staring at it, looking lost. She groaned and facepalmed. "Just put it on your wrist and imagine yourself looking different, it's not that fucking hard."
"Okay, let's see." He slipped it on and tried to think of himself as human.
Barbie and IMP watched as a violet light rose up over Blitzo from the feet up, Moxxie and Millie gasping together.
"What? Did I screw it up? Say something!"
"Well...you look...wow." Millie tried to explain.
"Dayum." Barb said in genuine surprise.
"Wow sir, you...actually aren't as hideous as I thought you'd look." commented Moxxie.
Unable to find the words, Blitzo raced into the hall searching for the bathroom, when he found it he was taken aback as he looked in the mirror. "OH SHIT I'M HOT!"
He was still in his clothes, but his skin was a dark tanned complexion with his horns now looking like hair and retaining their pattern. He walked back to the living room and cleared his throat. "Yeah this will definitely be useful."
"Just keep that thing on and you'll blend right in. Lose it and I'll rip your horns off before shoving them up your ass."
"He'd probably like that actually?" Moxxie whispered to barb.
"You mean like you getting your ass pounded by Millie?" Blitzo interjected.
"Can we like, not right now?" Loona spoke up. "Those are the last images I need in my head."
"Good call Loonie, it's time we hunt down a bastard!"
"Blitz! Remember, I still need him alive for work."
"Yeah yeah, I heard ya the first time."
"I mean it Blitz, for once in your life try not to fuck things up for me." she warned with narrowed eyes, making him lose his cocky expression and look away.
"Yeah...got it."
With that, he and Loona made their way out of the suite, leaving M & M with the pregnant imp.
"Well that was ominous." remarked Moxxie bluntly and to the point.
"Best not to get involved hun." advised Millie before turning to Barbie who got up and headed to the kitchen. "Woah there! If ya need somethin', just ask."
"I'm not a damsel in distress, I'm just getting some damn water." Barbie growled.
"Hey, if we're going to wait here while Blitzo and Loona look for this guy, you're just gonna have to get used to us for the time being." Moxxie interjected with his arms crossed. "If anything, you're getting the easy part here."
"Oh yeah, REAL easy. Getting fat, dealing with shitty mood swings, cramming all sorts of stuff in my mouth, and stuck here until this brat comes shooting out of me. Who WOULDN'T want a job this good?!" Barb remark sarcastically.
"She ain't wrong Mox, my mama had to put up with it from me and all my sibs after all."
"Be honest. You think those two can actually pull this off?"
"Well I wouldn't exactly say Loona has much experience getting her hands dirty, and Blitzo can be pretty lousy from time to time, but considering the circumstances? He might just." admitted Moxxie before waving his hand. "About half and half sure."
"Yeah we might wanna check in later." Millie said. "In the meantime, we can use this chance to get to know you a little bit more."
"And by that you mean you wanna hear embarrassing stories about Blitz, right?"
"Oh big time." Grinned Moxxie.
"Heh, well I do have some good ones in mind, ones that'd piss him the fuck off if I told anyone." Barb said with a dark grin. "Two words, Wardrobe Malfunction."
"This sounds good."
Later Blitzo and Loona, who was in her human disguise, arrived at the warehouse district. They looked around and tried sticking close to the shadows.
"I just realized. We didn't ask her what this prick looks like." Loona stated.
"Just look for the guy who dresses overly flashy. It's usually that one."
"Personal experience, I take it?"
"They're all the same. They dress up all fancy to make themselves feel superior to their employees. I swear it's like hunting peacocks." he rolled his eyes. "Which reminds me, if I ever see you hanging out with an asshole like that, I'll bury him alive in the parking lot."
"Hey, give me SOME credit I'm not a whore like your sister."
"Hey! Do not talk about your aunt that way missy." he gave her a pointed look. "A one night fucking does NOT make her a whore. Like she said, she's not some two bit succubus slut who has sagging tits and an ass that isn't all that great."
"Are we gonna find this loser or stand here listening to you diss on your ex?"
"She said look for the red Lamborghini, right?"
"Yeah," she narrowed her eyes and looked around the area before noting something red poking out behind the side of a warehouse with a sheet over it. "Think that might be it?"
"Only one way to find out."
Both headed over to the warehouse, ripping the sheet off to show the Lamborghini that looked ready to fall apart.
"Looks like he's one of those guys who like showing he has money, but not taking care of his shit."
They moved to the side of the warehouse, reaching a side entrance, but finding it to be locked.
"Did you really think it was going to be that easy?" Loona questioned.
"Nope." Blitzo pulled out his flintlock before shooting the lock off and pushed the door in.
"Easy peasy." Blitzo said before hearing the sound of guns cocking and turned and looked inside to see multiple thugs with murderous looks in their eyes. "Oh shit!"
"Smooth." drawled Loona as the two held their hands up.
"Hey guys, uh...take us to your leader?" He got a blank stare from all of them, including his own daughter. "Uh...would you believe we're lost tourists?"
Their reply came in the form of a gun moving closer to his head.
"Okay fine we're here to buy drugs."
"Yeah? From who?" asked one of them with suspicion. "Most guys who come here on their own know the password to get in, so why are you trying to sneak in? Sure looks to us like you're some rat."
"You'll have to excuse my idiot father, he tends to shoot first and think after shit hits the fan." Loona spoke. "We were told by some scrawny looking punk who said we could find some of the best shit if we came here in person, but we weren't told about goons or a password."
"Damn it! Was it that chump Jerry? He fucks this up every damn time!" One of the thugs said.
"Could be Marty the little prick." Said a second thug
"Nah, we offed him last week, remember? Had to be that brain dead tweaker Sanders."
All of them started talking over which one before they heard someone clear their throats and shut up immediately.
"Excuse me, but we'd like to move this along if you don't mind." Blitzo stated. "So if you could direct us to him we'll discuss our business with him."
"He's out, gone to get his new car. But if it's drugs you want...I suppose we could give you a taste."
"Oh...great." Blitzo droned before one thug gestured for the two to follow. He led them to a table where they already had some heroin set up.
"Help yourself."
"Well I suppose it won't hurt to taste." Blitzo shrugged before he was stopped.
"Not you, her." The thug said pointing to Loona.
"Me?"
"Why her?" Frowned Blitzo, entering protective parent mode.
"A number of reasons, mostly because we're sitting on a ton of this stuff and we're trying to get as many to try it as possible."
"Well why make my own daughter get hooked, eh? I've tasted plenty of this stuff to know what's good and what's not."
"Cut the cord, old man, let the little lady have a little fun. Unless of course you're with the feds." he narrowed his eyes, making Blitzo growl and almost go for his gun before Loona pushed Blitzo aside.
"Let's do this." She said with her hand on her hips.
"Alright, the lady came to party." he smirked as Blitzo was unsure before Loona leaned down and started sniffing a line.
"Ah..." She let out and leaned over the table.
"Good stuff, right?"
"..."
"Loony? Sweetie?" Blitzo said, looking concerned.
Slowly Loona raised her head. "...What the fuck is this weak ass shit?"
The man and Blitzo were taken aback with Loona putting her hands on her hips.
"I was expecting something way stronger, but this? This is nothing." She said wiping her nose.
"Loony, You're... okay?"
"Yeah, I mean I've had better stuff from Bee's parties. This shit, barely even a tingle."
"Wait, you did this before?!"
"It's not just sugar they surve at those parties. Even if it looks like it."
"We are gonna have a talk when we get home."
"Hold up!" Blurted the thug. "You know where to get better stuff than this?!"
"Fuck yeah, seen so much better stuff my whole life it's not that big a deal."
"Holy shit!" The thug let out. "How much per kilo we talking? We'd be open to making a deal."
Loona and Blitzo looked at the other before Blitzo gave a grin.
"Well...it wouldn't be much, real cheap actually, but if you wanna do business with us, we need someone from your side to help carry it over." Blitzo stated. "But ultimately we need to hash things out with your boss. I doubt he'll be happy being left out of an important conversation like this."
"Well he won't be back for a while, but you're more than welcome to stick around."
"You know we would, but we should talk to our other guy. He was out so that's why we came here for a fix."
"No prob."
"We'll just get out of your hair and be back at...let's say ten-ish?"
"Just don't get any ideas to fuck us over. We're not some two bit gang around here."
"Of course not, come on Loony. Let's go."
The two headed out of the warehouse and back the way they came in.
"Well that was a total disaster." Loona commented. "Now what do we do?"
"We got no choice, we'll head back to Barb's and regroup." he looked at her. "And you are gonna tell me about all those other drugs you've taken little lady."
"Okay, okay. I'll tell you on the drive back." she rolled her eyes. "It's not that big a-"
"Don't finish that." he cut her off with a sharp tone, making her see the pain in his eyes. "It IS a big deal, because getting hooked on the wrong kind are the things that caused your aunt to end up in rehab. That shit is NOT something to take lightly, ever."
"Yeah I know, Bee already chewed me out about that." she replied without rolling her eyes or dismissing him given how dead set serious he was. "Trust me, it was some stuff that's stronger than heroin, but nothing that I'll get hooked on, I promise. I mean yeah there was a bit of a panic and Bee did let me stay at her mansion until it worked its way out of my system."
"When the fuck did this happen?" Blitzo questioned as they got in the van.
"When you were gone for a whole week that one time."
"You made sure it's all out of your system, right? Any side effects I should know about? 'Cause if we need to make an appointment again I'll straight up barge in there and make them-"
"DAD! Relax, I'm fine. Turns out I got a strong liver. So my body was able to recover pretty easy." Loona stated.
Blitzo's eyes widened, looking at Loona in shock with the hellhound realizing what she said.
"What?"
"You called me dad." he immediately broke out into a big grin, making her face heat up and look away.
"No I d-" she was cut off from Blitzo suddenly wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug.
"You did!"
"Uuuggggghhh!" She groaned, trying to push him off as his tail wagged in joy. "Can we just go!"
After hugging a few more seconds, he let go and got the van heading off.
Later Barb, Millie, and Moxxie were sharing a laugh.
"He did not!" Millie let out.
"He did, he totally did." Barb replied. "It took a whole week to clean up."
Moxxie laughed so hard he rolled off his seat and onto the floor. "Hahahahahaha! O-O-Oh Satan! My spleen!"
"And that is why we never trusted Blitzo with chalk again." finished Barbie before letting out a groan and held her swollen belly, making Millie go wide eyed.
"Oh gosh! Is it-"
"No, no, little bastard just kicked. It's not ready to pop out yet." The taller imp replied. "Fuck, I could really go for a stiff drink or a smoke right now."
"I could brew up a nice soothing batch of camomile tea, it does wonders on soothing the nerves." offered Moxxie with Barbie raising an eyebrow.
"Wow, you really are a straight up twink, ain'tcha?"
"You should see him in bed." Millie said. "One word *rawr*."
"Considering he wore something a cheap twink would wear in a bar? I doubt that."
"I'm not a twink!" Moxxie shouted. "And Millie I don't think now is the right place to be talking about what we do in the bedroom."
"What? You mean like how you hit all the right spots that make my toes curl, or how you touch me in ways that leave me thirstier than a dog in a heatwave, or how you wait for me to peak before bustin' yer nut?"
Moxxie's face turned redder than possible with his wife smiling. "T-T-That kinda stuff is NOT what we need to say outloud!"
Barb sat there with a blank stare, but in her mind...'WHAT THE FUCK!? THE GUY WHO KNOCKED ME UP THROWS ME TO THE CURB, BUT THIS WHORE IS GETTING MIND-BLOWING SEX ON THE REG!?'
"Believe me, when me and Mox went at it the first time? Ah thought he was part incubus."
"How many kids do you have?"
Millie immediately shut up, her and Moxxie looking downcast and glum.
"Well...none, actually."
"Seriously? Not one? After your wife just bragged about you being some kind of sex god?"
"There are a lot of variables to consider!" he threw back. "One such being the fact that we can't afford kids. Just because we're assassins for hire doesn't automatically make us rich. Do you have any idea how much money goes into fixing weapons or ammunition alone? Not to mention the insane rent that makes it a struggle just to get by. Would I like to have children with the greatest girl in all of Hell? Absolutely, but as it stands right now, we can't afford it."
"Ah, well I'd offer to give you this one, but that's impossible."
"Wait, what do you mean?" asked Millie, tilting her head.
Barb looked at them before looking down at her stomach. "When using an Asmodean crystal it makes the user human in almost every sence of the world. Which makes it easier for humans to knock us hellborns up. It caused a bit of an uproar back in the day between both heaven and hell. Luckily they were able to come to an agreement before prematurely triggering the apocalypse."
"Wait, so you're telling us this child is one hundred percent human?" Moxxie questioned.
"Well...ninety-nine percent, but yeah it'll be almost completely human. And you know the rules about humans in Hell."
"Ooooh, good call."
"Which is why I'm leaving it to a Christian orphanage. With any luck she'll get into heaven, and not have to learn her moms a screw up." Barbie looked down as she said that, the look and tone of sadness dripping from her words.
Seeing her like this Millie, lightly jabbed Moxxie with her elbow and gestured to the kitchen with her head.
"I'll uh,...get the tea ready." he moved to the kitchen as Millie rubbed Barbie on the back.
"Come on now, I'm sure she'll have a nice life ahead of her."
"Yeah, being far away from me and all the fuck ups I've done would be a better option than pretty much anything." Barbie replied with a snarky tone.
"Well...the fact you're willing to give up your baby to have a better life is proof that you're doing something that nobody can say is a fuck up."
"Yeah, that and I gave up smoking and drinking." she grumbled. "I feel like I'm back in rehab, and I HATED that place."
"Do you want a hug?"
"...yeah, sure." Barb muttered in reply.
Millie pulled her closer and let Barbie rest her head on her shoulder as she hugged her and rubbed the back of her head.
"*sniff* aw, damn pregnancy hormones." muttered Barbie, trying to wipe away some tears before growling and pulled back. "Where's that fucking tea?!"
"It's coming!" Moxxie called in panic.
"Hurry it up!" she growled before covering her face and started crying. "Oh Satan why?! Why the hell did this have to happen to me?!"
"I'm not touching that one." Moxxie remarked quietly. He grabbed the kettle and poured some tea in a cup before bringing it over. "Here, see if this helps."
"Thanks." accepting it, she took a long sip of it before sighing. "Fuck, that's not bad."
"Never, doubt, the tea." Moxxie said before Blitzo and Loona showed up.
"We're back bitches."
"Well that was a lot faster than expected." Moxxie said.
"Did ya find the asshole?" asked Millie.
"Uh...no, not exactly."
"Blitz almost botched it." Loona spoke.
"Hey! I did NOT almost botch it!"
"We got held at gunpoint by his flunkies."
"Oh fuck my red asshole!" Barbie let out smashing her glass on the floor. "So you couldn't find the asshole?!"
"He wasn't there when we arrived, okay? And we couldn't very well kill all his goons because then he'd get scared and run out of town." he defended himself with a frown. "We've got a plan though; we're gonna wait a bit and when he comes back, then we get him."
"We've got until ten." Lonna clarified.
"Fuck me sideways..."
"I'll get more tea." Moxxie said.
After all of them sat down with Moxxie serving all of them tea, they tried to go over a new plan.
"I got nothin'." Blitzo said.
"Ditto." remarked Loona.
"Not an inkling." Millie added.
"Glad we're all on the same page at least." Moxxie droned.
"DAMN IT!" snapped Barbie, kicking the coffee table over.
"Sis relax, we got a few hours."
"How the hell can I relax?"
"By drinking more tea, duh." Blitzo said. He'd never right out admit it but Moxxie was damn good at making the stuff.
"Tea isn't gonna make me calm down when that bastard is untouched!"
"Barb we'll get him, it's his goons we need to worry about." Blitzo informed. "If we slaughter them casually, which we could totally do, it'll just make him run off and then we've lost him completely."
"And let's not forget that we're not supposed to alert the authorities." Moxxie added. "And if there is a gun fight in that area, someone will definitely report it."
"So what? Just wait and hope he bothers to show back up?"
"He thinks we're bringing drugs that are better than the garbage he's churning out." spoke up Loona. "I doubt he'll pass up the chance to get some real good shit."
"So you know that he's gonna be there." Blitzo pointed out.
"So we just have to wait." spoke Moxxie.
"Are all your plans this half assed?" Barb questioned. "What happens when you don't show up with any product to give?"
"Well then we grab the asshole and book it while shooting any dumbass in our way."
"Oi." Moxxie facepalmed.
"Ah say we take 'em out Assassin's Creed style." Millie spoke. "And yes Ah have played the games before, don't judge me!"
"Too late." remarked Loona as she sat down and went back on her phone.
"Hmmm...Taking them out one by one might be a good strategy, If we can avoid alerting the others." Moxxie spoke.
"Like what we did when were on spring break." Millie brought up with a smile. "It worked then, it can work now."
"Except these guys aren't a bunch of horned up college kids looking for a quick lay." Loona remarked. " They're smarter. You wanna kill those fucks, you gotta be smarter."
"With Blitzo here? Fat chance."
"I fucking swear if you weren't my sister or pregnant-" he growled while narrowing his eyes at her.
"Oh yeah? Let's go, right here. Think I can't kick your ass right now? Bring it"
"ENOUGH!" Millie shouted. "Both of you are gonna take deep breathes, calm down, or so help me Ah'll show you what my mama would do to me and my sibs when we got into it."
"Let's all just take a break. We still have a few hours until we need to meet so we have plenty of time to plan." Moxxie spoke up.
The siblings gave the other a warning look, but sat back down.
"If I may say. I think it's best if you just quit this whole drug lord shtick." Moxxie suggested. "It seems like it's more trouble than it's worth."
"Well if you got a better idea on luring this asshole out, then we'd love to hear it."
"I mean career wise, for you."
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm just saying, look at where this business got you."
"Said business you were there for, so fuck you Mox."
"What he said." Barbie added. "Besides, where else would I get a job?"
"You could-" Blitzo started to speak before Barbie cut him off.
"If you even suggest I come work for you. I will kick you in the balls."
"Well I mean it's not like you couldn't hold your own."
"Not in a million years."
"Hey." Lonna spoke, raising her hand. "I...might be able to hook you up with a job under Queen Bee Lzebub."
"What?" she looked at Loona like she was fucking with her. "The lord of Gluttony herself? You? You could get me a job? Well, never heard that one before, but I'm not buying it."
"I mean I can't guarantee anything, but I know her boyfriend and I got his number. I met her at one of her parties and he's actually pretty chill. So there's like...a 75% chance she'd help, 80% at most."
She raised an eyebrow and turned to Blitzo.
"It's true, met the party bitch myself, so my Loony IS quite the popular one." he boasted with smugness.
"Well shit. Yeah I guess that could work. Looks like things are starting to look up." Barbie said with a smile suddenly...
*Splash*
Her eyes widened as she gripped her belly with a grimace, the others noting liquid trickling down her legs to the floor. "Shit."
"Millie, you grew up on a farm, what do we do?!"
"Ah helped ANIMALS give birth! In this situation Ah don't know nothin' about birthin' babies!"
"We need to get to a hospital!" Moxxie exclaimed.
"No! No Hospital." Barbie replied.
"What do you mean no hospital!? You're having a baby!"
"The minute this thing is out I'll revert back to my true form! Try explaining that to the doctor!"
"But, how will we-"
"We have to do it here! NOW!" Barb argued.
"Fuck!" Blitzo let out before his phone rang, he pulled it out and saw Stolas' name in the caller ID. "FUCK! Okay you tow get her in her room and into bed I gotta take this."
Moxxie and Millie helped lead Barbie to the bedroom while Blitzo hit the answer.
"Stolas, this is not a good time!"
"I just wanted to check in seeing as you do not have my grimoire and-"
"STOLAS! My sister got knocked up by a human, she's trapped on earth in human form. What's worse is that she's gone into labor and we can't take her to the hospital without someone finding out she a demon! So this really isn't the time!"
"...I see...boil a pot of water. I'll be there shortly."
"Wait what?" Blitzo questioned before Stolas hung up. "Son of a..."
"GAAAAH!" came Barbie's voice, making Blitzo drop the phone and rush to get some water boiled.
"Hold on sis! Help is on the way! I hope."
In the room, Barbie was propped up with some pillows while trying to breathe as per Millie's advice.
"Just relax darlin', you're gonna be okay."
"Should I get her a drink of water?" Moxxie questioned
"No Mox, she can't drink any water, it could cause problems."
"Fucking Satan himself!" Barbie cried out, gritting her teeth as she started sweating.
"Moxxie give her your hand to squeeze on."
Moxxie held Barbie's hand, only to let out a high pitched cry when her grip clamped down on it like a vice with the sound of bones cracking.
"Bear with it Mox."
"I think my hand is broken!"
Suddenly a portal opened in thin air and on the other side was Stolas. He stepped into the apartment, catching M & M off guard with wide eyes with Barbie not noticing due to her eyes closed. "Come along doctor, we haven't got all day." He instructed before an elderly goat demon with a candle on his head stepped out.
"Alrighty, I've got all my tools nice and ready. Let's get rid of that little problem."
"It's a baby, not an infected limb, doctor."
"Your highness?!" Moxxie blurted.
"No time to talk, now let's get this place sanitized." Stolas then snapped his finger making the air crackle with electricity.
Barbie finally looked and went wide eyed seeing the owl and goat demons. In her state she wasn't anywhere close to being delirious to see stuff like THAT!
"What was that?" Millie asked as the crackling faded.
"I used electrokinesis to kill all the germs and bacteria in this room."
"That's a thing?"
"If you're creative enough." he smiled before looking at Barbie who was distracted from the contractions and stared at him with wide eyes. "You must be Blitzy's sister, a pleasure to meet you."
"Uh...yeah same." she responded before letting out a cry as the next contraction hit her. "Fucking hell!"
"I got the boiling-Stolas? Geeze, you work fast." came Blitzo who ran in with a pot of boiling water.
"For you dear Blitzy, anything. You can repay me later, in my bedroom." he winked, getting a groan from the imp.
"Ugh sick!" Barb blurted. "I'm right here!"
"We noticed." Moxxie let out in a high pitched voice due to the INTENSE pain in his hand.
"Come along Blitzy, let's leave the doctor to work."
"Don't worry ma'am, you are in good hooves." spoke the baphomet as he slipped gloves over his hooves. "Now would you prefer shrooms or acid to help dull the pain?"
"I'm a recovering drug addict!" Barb shouted.
"Shrooms it is."
"She's havin' a baby for Satan sake!" Millie cried out as the baphomet huffed.
"Well then we'll have to go without either then. The only other option is knocking her out cold."
"Use the hot water, that's what it's for." Stolas called out.
"Is he qualified to do this?" Blitzo questioned.
"He helped deliver Octavia and she was an egg."
"Eh, sounds good enough to me." Blitzo shrugged.
"AHHHHHHHH!" Barb's screams rang through the air.
"...just so we're clear, this guy isn't some nutjob who got his degree from some fancy jackass school, right?"
"It's just the contractions Blitzy, you worry about anyone coming to check on her screams and reassure them of what's going on."
"I know the basics of what doctors do, I learned stuff when sneaking into hospitals in my spare time for meds that quacks stopped writing to me."
"Oh... interesting." remarked Stolas, unsure how to respond as the camera went back to Barbie with Moxxie trying to pull his hand free, but her grip held on tight with Millie wiping the sweat from the imp's forehead using a soaked towel.
"Oh fuck! It hurts!" Barbie let out, gritting her teeth as the pain felt like it got worse, times ten.
"Your doin' just fine darlin'."
"I DON'T FEEL FUCKING FINE! CHRIST ON A STICK! GET THIS BASTARD OUT!"
"It's alright, you're doing fine, just keep on pushing." advised the doctor who was looking down as he said that. "Remember to...uh... breath, yes breath."
"Are...Are you on your fucking phone?!" Moxxie cried out when he saw the Baphomet scrolling across his phone.
"... maybe."
Millie narrowed her eyes before grabbing the phone and crushed it with her bare hand. "There is a woman giving birth! This is no time to check your messages!"
"Actually I was playing angry birds."
"GET THIS THING OUT OF ME OR AS SATAN AS MY WITNESS I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF! SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT! AND PERSONALLY SHOVE AN EXTERMINATOR SPEAR RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!"
"DITTO!" Moxxie added.
"Alright alright!" The doctor huffed, putting his focus on his work. "Alright, the head is starting to crown, now push."
"Nnnngh!" Barbie tried to exert her vaginal muscles, pushing as best as she could. "GAH! I JUST TORE THROUGH MY TWAT TO MY ASS!"
"That's normal." Said the doctor. "Just keep pushing."
Moxxie blinked before leaning in. "Is it?"
"Oh no, she's ruined." The goat demon whispered back.
"What did he just say!?" Barb questioned.
"Nothing!" The two males blurted.
"Come on Barb! You got this!" Millie encouraged. "Do our foremothers proud and push!
"Fuck the foremothers! I'm the one doing all the work here!" Barb snapped before screaming out with tears welling in her eyes.
Outside the room, Blitzo was biting his fingers as he heard the loud screaming and was half tempted to bust the door down.
"I know how you feel Blitzy. I was nervous the first time. Although I was more worried about Octavia than that bitch I once called my wife." Stolas patted the imp on the back. "Frankly if she died while giving birth? The only thing I would have been concerned with is raising Octavia without a mother in her life."
"That's different. You could have just remarried. I can't just replace my sister."
"Which is why at the first sign of trouble, I have a few spells in mind to help. Some of them were NOT easy to learn, mind you, but they are worth it."
"Like...?"
"Well, there's one spell that would let me rewind time for a brief period, one that can help heal the body by rebuilding the injured cells, and another that can transfer the live force from one creature to another."
"AAAAAAAHH!"
"Got anything for dulling pain?"
"AAAAAAAHAHAHA!" Barbie cried in pain.
"Al...most." the doctor said before the sounds of a crying baby filled the room. "Ah, there's the little monster."
Barbie's head fell back on the pillow, gasping for air as Millie wiped the sweat off with her grip on Moxxie's hand loosening to where he managed to pull it free and try to rub it, needing to get blood flowing back into the fingers.
"Thank the Lords of the Seven Rings."
"Good work Barbie." smiled Millie, right as Blitzo kicked the door and ran in.
"What's going on? How is she?"
It's a girl!" smiled the doctor showing the two
"A girl, oh how wonderful." Stolas smiled as Blitzo stood frozen. He then used his magic to clean the newborn and sever the umbilical cord which allowed Barb to return to her true form and finally conjure a pink fluffy blanket.
Taking the blanket, the doctor wrapped the child up before handing it to Barbie who managed to gather the strength in her arms to carefully hold it near her chest.
"Awwwww! Look at her Mox." Millie gushed.
"Try not to get any ideas Mil." Moxxie said, opening and closing his hand.
"Ha...ha...ha...ha..." Barbie tried to catch her breath, looking down at the bundle. The infant had blonde hair and fair skin and from the sounds of her crying a strong set of lungs. Ordinarily, a crying baby would get on Barbie's nerves, but knowing that this was her baby, made her chest feel all warm and bubbly, with the crying not phasing her in the slightest.
"Well looks like you have a cousin now Loo-..."Moxxie paused when he noticed one demon had disappeared. "Uh where's Loona?"
"Here." came her voice as she walked over, rubbing her ears with a wince. "I was hiding in the closet to avoid the screaming. It hurts my ears."
"Well good news Loony, you've got a new baby cousin."
"Great, let me know when she stops screaming." She turned to leave, but Moxxie grabbed her and dragged her over. "Hey! L-"
"My hand is broken dealing with her, so the least you can do is see. The. Baby." He told her with his tone going cold as he gave her a look that said 'Do it, or else' before pulling her into the room and pushed her towards the bed.
She gave him the bird turning to the bundle in Barbie's arm. Leaning over she saw the baby whose icy blue eyes met hers before the crying began to calm down. "She's so...squishy looking."
"Wanna hold her?" Asked Barb
"Uh, don't I need gloves and stuff?"
Stolas waved his hand before rubber gloves and a mask manifested onto her. "You're welcome."
Loona gulped, feeling nervous as Barbie held the child out, with the hellhound mindful to be gentle as she carefully picked it up. She found the newborn to be a bit heavier than expected. But when she saw it stare up at her with curiosity, she couldn't help but feel warm inside.
"Watch her head!" Barb spoke up.
Loona jumped and tried to supper the newborn's head. "Like this?"
"Better."
She let out a brief sigh before seeing the baby try reaching up at her with one of her hands.
"Looks like she wants her mama."
Loona handed it back to Barbie who slid her top down to let out her breast, before the infant saw the nub and latched onto it for milk.
"Woah!" Moxxie let out looking away and used his hand to block his field of vision Blitzo covered his eyes with Stolas observing the ceiling.
"Aw y'all need to grow up." Millie let out. "Ain't nothing wrong with breastfeedin', it's a beautiful and natural thing."
"Yeah not all of us grew up on a farm, Mil." Blitzo said. "And fyi, I don't wanna see my sister's tits!"
"And I'm looking away for Blitzie's sake." Added Stolas.
Barbie smiled at the child, giving its head a rub before closing her eyes. "Fuck...I need a nap, but I don't have a crib to put her in."
Stolas cleared his throat, gesturing to a brand new crib sitting against the wall with fresh sheets on it and small smiling demons engraved in the wood. "You were saying?"
"Wha... How did-"
"It was Octavia's, I decided to lend it out for the occasion."
"Someone put her in it, I'm gonna pass out for about a day."
"Ah gotcha hon." Millie said, taking the infant and placed her in the crib.
Barbie closed her eyes, her body's exhaustion catching up to her while the other demons made their way out of the room, mindful to keep it down.
"What now sir?" Moxxie asked
"What now? Now...we finish the goddamn job." he replied while whipping his flintlock out.
"Oh I love when you get all dark and serious Blitzy, how can I help?"
"Well helping us locate the bastard who knocked Barbie up would be a step in the right direction." Blitzo replied. "But my sister doesn't want him dead just to suffer."
"Oh no need to worry, I'll simply help locate him and let you deal with him with your masterful skills~"
"Good because we can't make our move with all his goons around."
"Just give me a few minutes."
"Right. in the meantime, M&M get ready. As for you Loona stay here and watch your cousin."
"Why do I gotta do it?"
"Because you're the only other person here who can take on a human form and your auntie is passed out, she needs rest."
"Ugh...fine." Loona relented. "Just hurry back before I have to clean up after her."
"No sense in rushing, we wouldn't wanna deprive Loona of this glorious time with her new baby cousin." smirked Moxxie as Millie tried to help wrap his hand up.
Loona shot a glare at him.
"Remember, we need this asshole alive to suffer, so let's tone down on the bloodlust." Blitzo stated. "I'm looking at you Millie."
"Aw relax, after seein' a baby be born? Ah'm too happy to go wild. At least the kind on the job." she gave Moxxie a look that made him blush and give a bashful smile.
'Oh crumbs.'
After taking care of the hand properly and making sure their weapons were all good, Stolas' hand glowed brighter.
"Found him." The owl demon said. "He just left what I can only assume is a male strip club."
"Guess he likes to swing both ways." Remarks Blitzo. "Alright you two, let's fuck this guy up."
Elsewhere at an almost empty parking garage, a man with blond curly hair was whistling a tune. He was wearing an overly tacky suit that looked both expensive, and showed the man had no taste in fashion whatsoever.
"The old strip joint ain't what it used to be."
As he was passing by an alleyway, he didn't notice the three pairs of eyes that watched him. He walked up to his brand new red Lamborghini and pulled out his keys.
"Yo, buddy." Blitzo spoke up, walking over.
"Huh?" The man let out turning to Blitzo. "Do I know you?"
"No, but I know you. You're the selfish ass that fucked my sister and got her knocked up."
"...Yeah, that doesn't really narrow it down much. I've banged more dumb broads than I can count." he remarked casually, right before Blitzo lunged and punched him in the gut, knocking the air out and making him drop to his knees coughing.
"Don't you EVER call my sister a dumb broad!" he grabbed the man by the shoulders and slammed him against the car with a snarl.
"Heh." The man let out with a smirk before headbutting Blitzo in the face making him lose his grip then proceeded to punch him to the ground. "Not bad, you actually surprised me."
"How-"
"You think you're the first guy to come after me because I hurt someone they care about? Please, you're just an average Tuesday for me. I work as a criminal. I get kids hooked on drugs for a living, hell I even killed my own grandma just to get my hands on the family fortune then blew it all funding a 20 person orgy porno
"Huh, a genuine piece of shit. And here I was a smidge worried I was gonna leave a kid or two without a dad." Blitzo chuckled while wiping his mouth. "Probably be doing them a favor."
"You can try bean poll, but I hope you got your affairs in order."
"Funny, I was gonna say the same thing." He put his fingers in his mouth and let out a loud whistle.
He raised an eyebrow in confusion until a lasso came down on him pinning his arms to his sides "Hey! What the fuck!?" Before he knew it he was pulled to the ground.
"Didn't see that coming jackass?"
"No... this is a new one."
"Good, time to take this piece of shit back guys."
From the shadows came two more figures dressed in hoodies with masks. They moved over and grabbed him by his legs and shoulders before lugging him away.
"Hey! Let me go! I know people, you shit stains! You're dead, you hear me!"
"Yeah yeah, not the first time we've heard threats like that." Blitzo said. "Mox, show 'em what you did in the mob.
One of the masked figures moved over to their captive before smacking his face. "Shut your mouth or you'll be takin' a dip with a pair of cement sneakers, capiche?"
The man glared back before spitting at the robed figure. "Up yours."
The figure stared seemingly unphased. He then wiped away the spit and rubbed it between his fingers. "Okay then." He then took the rope from his partner, then dragged him to a support beam and laid the man next to it. He then took the rifle that was strapped to his back, held it by the barrel and swung it like a golf club at the man's foot, snapping his leg against the beam.
"AHHHHHHH!"
"We'll skip the cement sneakers and go straight to breaking your legs."
"That's gonna leave him with a limp." Remarked Blitzo "Millie?"
"You got it boss." The other figure spoke. They moved over before pulling out a serrated blade, holding it up to the man's neck and near his artery. "Let's make one thing clear: Make a sound or scream, and Ah slice that tongue out before feedin' it to ya."
"Millie, alive, remember."
"Right, sorry, got ahead." She said, pocketing her knife.
"You three are so-AHHHHH!" The man cried out as Moxxie stepped on his broken foot.
"Don't talk unless we let you, Jerk Off. You're lucky our client wants you alive." Warned Blitzo before Millie decked the guy right in the nose, making him cry out as he felt it break. "What the fuck did I just say Mil!?"
"Sorry Blitz, Ah'm still steamed about that grandma bit."
"Well temper it back a little, we gotta save some for Barbie." Blitzo stated. "Let's go."
They tied him up and made sure to cover his mouth with some tape before they began carrying him to the van. They tossed him in the back like a sack of potatoes before driving off
In no time flat they made it back to the hotel, and snuck him through it pretty easily given how the employees were STILL doing a shitty job at keeping an eye on the place. They took him back to Barb's apartment and tied him to a chair.
"Wow, that actually went easier than I thought sir."
"Yeah that surprised me too." he dusted off his hands before grinning. "But the important thing is we got him back in one piece, at least for now."
"Welcome back everyone." Stolas spoke walking into the room in his human disguise. He took note of the bound human who was struggling in the rope. "So this is who you have to thank for becoming an uncle."
"Yeah and he's a mouthy one too."
The man glared at the remark as Moxxie and Millie took off their masks and robes, making his eyes widen at seeing the red skin, horns, and tails. He let out a muffled scream behind the tape, trying harder to wiggle out of the rope.
"Oh are we not hiding our appearances? Very well." Stolas' body glowed before regaining his natural form, making the man squirm even harder to where he was making the chair jump up and down.
"his leg is broken. Any chance you can fix that before he gets an infection?" Questioned Blitzo.
"Of course." Stolas waved both his hands and let out a glowing orb fly down to the leg. It seeped right into it with the man tensing up and crying out through the gag, his bone mending itself with a loud and painful crack.
"Yeesh."
"So, which part do we tear off?" asked Millie.
"I believe the one most qualified to make that call would be your employer, yes?" Stolas pointed out.
"Good point, is Barbie still out of it?"
"she woke up a short while after you left."
"Sweet. HEY BARB! WE GOT HIM FOR YA!" Blitzo called, taking off the watch concealing the Asmodean crystal revealing his true form.
"KEEP IT DOWN!" Barb shouted back. She came walking out, looking irate before her eyes widened along with the man's when he saw Barb's true form. "YOU!"
"Yeah...this guy." Blitzo said. "Just like you wanted him, alive and well. I mean physically well, not sure about mentally though."
Barbie didn't bother giving a response, she just walked over to the man who looked ready to piss himself while Barbie gritted her teeth with her eyes narrowed. "Been a long time, prick."
He let out a muffled response before Barbie swung and nailed him in the gut, knocking the air out of him before she back handed him.
"You like that!?" she snapped before using her tail to slap him again before yanking him closer to look her dead in the eyes. "You waste of fucking flesh! Do you wanna know WHY I had my brother and his pals drag your ass here?"
"MMMMMHHH!"
"Because you owe me big time! Big time for knocking my ass up and leaving like the piece of shit you really are!" She said before reaching for the gag and ripping it off.
"What the fuck are you?! Is this some sick kink?! Who the hell is-OOF!" he was cut off from another punch to the gut.
"Heh, it's funny you should mention hell." smirked the imp with her hands on her hips. "Where do you think I came from?"
"We're imps, straight from the bowels of hell." Blitzo added moving behind the man and grabbing his head. "That's right buddy. You. Had sex. With an imp."
"Oh sweet Jesus!" The man let out.
"Hope it was worth it." Moxxie remarked.
"Eyup, because you went and gave our Barb here her own little bundle of joy, while you skipped out like an oily little weasel." Millie added.
"Hey! I don't have room to deal with some brat! I got more important stuff to deal with ya freaks!"
"Oh you think we're freaks?" Blitzo questions. "Stolas, open a portal to hell, let him see where he's going."
"With pleasure, Blitzy." Stolas replied with a chuckle then waved his hands making a portal appear.
Moxxie and Millie pushed the chair over closer, sticking his head inside where he got a clear view of the city and the numerous denizens from above. Their monstrous and twisted forms of sinners and hellborns alike.
His eyes widened before seeing numerous random explosions go off in the distance with screams heard, but none of the citizens reacting or looking phased. "Oh sweet lord." he got out before getting pulled back out as the portal closed.
"Enjoy the preview? No? Too bad. That's where you're going." grinned Barbie with the man breaking out into a cold sweat. "But just to show I'm not entirely heartless, I'll let you see her."
The man gulped and watched as Barbie walked back into the bedroom and came walking back out with a bundle in her arms.
"Now, say hello, to Tilla."
"Jesus Christ!" Blurted the man.
"Funny how a piece of shit like you thinks he'll listen." Barb retorts, bouncing the babe gently in her arms. "Funny ain't it? An imp like me and a fuckwad like you, making a little girl like this who looks like an angel. It's almost...poetic."
"Oh gag me." Muttered Blitzo sticking his tongue out.
Barb answered this by smacking him with her tail. "Now you're gonna wish you were dead when I'm done with you for leaving me alone to deal with having a bun in the oven! News flash, the mood swings ALONE are enough to make me hang those pea sized balls on the door for ornaments!"
"Might I suggest castration?" Stolas said. "I can bring back a pair of scissors that are enchanted to keep a person awake and alive no matter where they're being cut."
"No! Please! Mercy. he tried to beg. "I-I-I'll change! I'll help raise the kid! I'll get you all the money you want!"
"You don't get it." Barb said her tone growing serious as she handed Tilla to Millie. "There is no 'help'. I can't take care of her where I'm going."
"It's the downside of having human blood." Moxxie whispered to the man, giving a mock look of concern as Barb walked up to him.
"You know originally I was just gonna drop her off at an orphanage run by nuns and move on, But now that I think about it there is one opportunity she might have that we demons don't."
"W-What's that?" He questioned before Barb put her hands on his shoulders.
"You are going to get her into heaven."
"...huh?"
"You heard me, but after holding her in my arms I started to think, wow I am such a bitch for even considering that. By all accounts she should be almost completely human, which means when she dies she'll either go to Heaven or Hell depending on the life she lived. Isn't that right, Prince Stolas?"
"Theoretically, yes. There is a good chance."
"I'm lost now." Blitzo bluntly remarked. "You wanted to make this asshole suffer, but now you're saying he's gonna help get my niece in heaven?"
"Yes, Blitzo, I do. Hell is the last place I want her to end up."
"Hold up." Millie held her hands up. "So...you're gonna try and rely on the same dirtbag who went and knocked you up in the first place, who ditched you, and who is a low down douchebag...into helpin' make sure your bundle of joy is raised right?"
"He's seen Hell. I'm sure he's more than eager for redemption."
"Quite true, unless of course he wants to take the chance at mingling with some of the most heinous and twisted of the riff raff." Stolas pointed out with a smirk as he crossed his arms. "And believe me they're even more sick and depraved down there then they are up here."
The man shivered as Barbie leaned in near his face with a dark grin.
"So what's it gonna be prick?" she whispered, tilting her head and reveling in the fear he had in his eyes. "You gonna step up and give our daughter a chance at a good life? Or do you wanna take another peek at what's gonna be waiting for you if you don't cut the bullshit?"
"I...I...yes!"
"You gonna try any shitty ideas like ditching her and running away?"
"No ma'am."
"What are you gonna do then?" Barbie questioned grabbing him by the chin. "I need to hear it."
"I-I'll change, I'll clean up! I swear!"
"Swear what?!" she snapped, squeezing his face tightly.
"I swear I'll take care of her!"
"And?"
"And make sure she grows up to be a better person than me! So she can get into heaven!"
"That'll do pig," smirked Barb patting his head. "That'll do."
"So...we ain't gonna gut him? Dang." muttered Millie.
"Next time Mil, next time." Moxxie spoke, patting her back.
"So...does this mean the job's done?" asked Blitzo.
"Yeah, gold stars all around." Barb snarked.
"Shall I send him away?" asked Stolas.
"Nah, I need to get some more information out of him before I can trust him to go free. But you can go."
"Very well. I'll see you later, Blitzy~" Stolas said, handing the grimoire to the imp.
Said imp rolled his eyes as the prince opened a portal for himself and stepped through. "So, Barb... about the name you gave your daughter-"
"Don't... don't say anything Blitzo." she replied while turning away from him. "I don't wanna get into that with you."
"Yeah...sure." he looked away with a sad look in his eyes, something Moxxie and Millie noted, but held their tongues on. "Loona, we're leaving!"
"'Bout time." The hellhound said.
"Don't you wanna give your baby cousin a hug?" Millie spoke up. "It might be your last Chance."
Loona tried to look uninterested, but when her eyes drifted over to the sleeping baby who let out a yawn, she felt herself caving in. "Whatever." She carefully held the newborn in her arms, noting the baby slowly waking up. She stiffened a little seeing the seemingly delicate newborn look at her. She had to keep her tail from wagging at how precious her eyes looked. She felt her heart swell with happiness. "Take care of yourself, Rugrat."
The baby let out a low sound, tilting her head in confusion.
Loona felt herself on the verge of tears and held out the child. "Could someone else take her now?"
Barbie gently took her daughter back and held her up face to face while Loona rushed out. Looking directly into her daughter's eyes was making her feel like her stomach twist itself into a knot. "Sorry kiddo, looks like I won't be around much." she muttered, feeling a tear coming up before pressing her forehead against the baby's. "Cut the prick loose Blitz."
"I take it breaking an arm is out of the question to really get the point across?"
"Blitzo!"
"Just checking." he held up his hands. He then took out a knife and cut the ropes.
The traumatized human rubbed his arms before finding the baby girl put in his arms with Barbie getting in his face again.
"Don't fuck this up. Sinners may get immortality in hell, but that means I can torture you until the day I die." she whispered in a cold tone with him nodding his head quickly. "Good, because if I find out my little girl ended up down there? Not even Lucifer himself will come up with the things I'll do to you. Now get out of my sight."
Without waiting, he rushed out of the room, mindful not to drop the baby and internally making a note to try and start looking for a less illegal job.
"Are you sure you're okay with this?"
Barbie looked at the floor while rubbing her arm as she let out a nod. "Yeah...it's gonna suck, and I'll probably get into drinking over what she'll be dealing with, but this at least gives her a better chance to grow up and get a chance to go to Heaven, and that's good enough for me."
"Yeah well maybe don't get into drinking. Don't forget Loona's gonna put some strings to get you a job under Beelzebub."
"That doesn't mean I won't FEEL like it." Barb said walking away. "I'm gonna need that crystal back."
"Oh right." Blitzo removed it, tossing to to Barb who slipped it back on and opened up a new portal.
"Finally." Barbie said before glancing back a her brother. "I got your number from your daughter. I'll call when I'm ready to talk again, but don't expect it to be soon."
Blitzo didn't respond either words, only a nod as he watched her go through the portal before it closed. "Bye sis." Blitzo said weakly with a heavy heart.
*10 years later.*
The sky looked bright and sunny without a cloud in the sky. In a nearby church we can hear the sounds of singing. Numerous young kids were lined up and singing in perfect unison and harmony.
"I once was lost, but now I am found; Was blind, but now I see!" sang the children, swaying left and right with their hands clasped together in front of them and their eyes closed as the seats were filled to the brim with attendees.
None sang with more enthusiasm than a girl with long blonde hair. Her hair was curled down by the ends with a red headband on her head; her voice sounding more clear and pure than a lot of grown up singers.
The song came to an end and the crowd erupted into cheer. The children soaked in the applause with some adults having tears in their eyes. However there was one in attendance, dressed in a red hoodie, who sat in the back row doing their best not to look conspicuous.
Later after the congregation ended and everyone left, only the blonde girl remained sitting alone in one of the many pews.
"Ahhh, another great performance. I think that was my best yet." she sighed to herself with a smile. Then suddenly it donned on her. "No, no, no, easy now Tilla, mustn't succumb to the sin of Pride." She said, slapping her cheeks. "It was just like every other performance, and it wasn't just you, it was with everyone else."
"I don't know, you looked like you were having fun." remarked the figure in red, making the girl turn her head around to them as they kept a distance between them. "You've got quite the set of pipes on you."
"I'm not supposed to-"
"Talk to strangers? Relax kid, my hands are in my pockets." They replied, nodding to their sides. "Just wanted to give you credit where credit is due, and maybe ask you a few questions about the church."
"You could always ask the Reverend if you have questions."
"Nah, in my experience adults almost always lie. I'd like to hear from you. You know the old saying, from the mouths of babes."
The girl looked from the woman to the doors, still unsure. "I'm well aware of the incident in the past with the perverted priest if that's your concern. And I assure you or dear Reverend is not like that."
The woman took off her hood revealing her face. "Aren't you a little young to know about that?"
"Aren't you a little too old for pigtails?"
"Ohohoho, okay. Kittens got claws I see. I like you kid." smiled Barbie, back in her human disguise.
"Who are you? I don't think I've seen your face around here before."
"I'm from out of town, down south."
"South? But you don't have an accent."
"That's a stereotype." Barb replied. "Trust me, I'm not some braindead hick who plays the banjo if that's what you were thinking about."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"No, it's fine. So do they...treat you well here?" she asked, looking around the church's interior. "Anybody give you any issue?"
"Well...some people say that I'm too desperate to get into heaven, but it's just the way I was raised."
"Mind if I ask how that's been? Do they hit you if you don't comply?"
"Oh no no no! Not at all!" Tilla said, holding up her hands. "They just say I go above and beyond to never sin and stay in God's good graces, which is something I truly believe others should follow."
"Your parents must be proud."
"Well...I just have a dad, no mom."
"Oh?" she tilted her head.
"My dad told me she couldn't be in our lives when I was a baby, so she gave me to him. He told me it was the biggest change in his life and he had to be a good role model for my sake."
"Heh, well isn't that a coincidence, I had to give up my daughter after she was born." remarked the woman, looking at the floor with Tilla gasping. "Let's just say I wasn't in a spot to raise her. I had a bad history of dealing with drugs and was still struggling. So I figured she'd be better off without me in her life."
"Oh...I see." she spoke, feeling sympathy for the strange woman.
"But, seeing how you turned out, I have a hunch she's doing just fine." Barb shrugged.
"I hope so; whether she's part of my life or not, I hope she is doing alright even now."
"I'm sure she is." Barb said ruffling her hair
"Hey!" Tilla puffed out her cheeks and pulled back, making Barb chuckle before she turned away.
"You just focus on getting into heaven. Not all of us have that chance."
"It's never too late, even if things seem bleak. Everyone has a chance to be accepted."
"You'd think that, but...given my history. There's no way I'll ever see the Pearly Gates." Barb said before shaking her head. "But that's enough about me. Tell me about yourself, where's your dad?"
"Well he wanted to be here, but he had an important business meeting that he couldn't get out of."
"And just what kind of business would that be?" Barb questioned with skepticism, her knuckles turning white as he clenched her fingers in silent fury.
"Oh, he works at a bank and helps assist those who are in need of loans. It's part of his job to help make it easier on people to pay the loans back with as little interest as possible so they don't become bankrupt."
"Oh...I see."
"But father's employer scheduled a meeting and if my father didn't come into work he'd be fired."
"Sounds like your dad's boss isn't religious."
"Sadly no, but my father promised we'd go out for a nice dinner to make up for it."
"That's nice." she unclenched her fists and pulled her hood back over her head. "Well, it was nice seeing you Tilla, keep doing what you're doing and don't make any dumb mistakes like me."
"It was nice to meet you to miss, uh..."
"Barbie, Barbie Wire." replied the woman as she made her way out of the church. The further away she got the more the pit in her stomach grew.
"Well she seemed nice." Tilla said with a smile; however something suddenly dawned on her. "Wait, I don't remember telling her my name. How did she..."
Cutting back outside, Barbie was gripping her hand on her shoulder, telling herself not to start crying or go back.
"Satan fucking damnit it hurts." She let out a sniffle before reaching down to her crystal.
"MOM!"
Her eyes widened hearing that before turning her head and saw Tilla running out towards her. The girl stopped a few feet away breathing heavily. "Uh, you must have me confused." Barb said, turning away.
"Please...you...can't go!"
"I'm telling you, you got the wrong person."
"I never told you my name yet you knew it."
Barbie's eyes widened before facepalming and grumbled under her breath. "Oh fuck me sideways..."
"Also you said you wanted to ask about the church, but your questions were more focused on me."
Barbie threw her head back and let out a groan to the sky before looking at Tilla who stared at her with hopeful eyes.
"So...it's true, isn't it?"
"Look, Tilla...I can't stay." Barbie looked away from the girl. "I have to leave."
Then take me with you!" she grabbed Barbie's hand with both hers. "I have so many questions! I've always dreamed about what you'd look like, always wanted to know where my name came from, and wanted to hear the whole story."
"The whole story?" Barbie saw Tilla nod her head with eagerness, making the disguised imp look at the ground before letting out a sigh. "I don't know if you want that."
"Yes, I do!"
"It's not a pretty one, especially with your beliefs." Barb took a step back.
"Please, I need to know."
Barb closed her eyes and contemplated her next action. A moment later she reached for her watch and removed it revealing her true form.
Tilla's eyes widened, letting out a startled gasp as she stared at Barbie.
"I'm an Imp, from hell."
"You mean...you're a...demon?"
"Not just any demon, the lowest of the low. In the hierarchy of hell we imps are below sinners." she informed while averting her eyes and expecting her daughter to freak out. "I told you it wasn't gonna be pretty. That's why I left you with your dad."
"But...if that's true, that would mean...I'M a demon?"
"Part demon, your dad's all human." Barb corrected. "Plus I was using this magic crystal that made me appear human so I guess you're technically mostly human."
She looked down at the ground, her mind trying to stay calm and let this sink in.
"Look, you're better off living your life the same way. Having me around would make it harder on you." Barb explained. "Hell I'm not even supposed to be up here for very long, otherwise the big guy upstairs might send someone to kill me, and for a demon it's even worse; if I die I cease to exist. There is no afterlife for me."
"But...I...you..." Tilla rambled before she started speaking gibberish.
'Not what I expected honestly; figured she'd be cursing me out or some shit. Kinda taking this better than I figured.' Barb thought before giving a light slap to Tilla's head. "Snap out of it!"
The girl momentarily looked dazed and shook her head, rubbing the spot as she tried to take deep breaths.
"Look, all you need to do is focus on getting into heaven, alright? Trust me you don't want to be with me in hell. It's not a place you want to go to after you die." Barbie turned away and really started to feel tears rising in her eyes. "Just forget you ever saw me..." She held up her crystal and opened a portal. Right as she moved towards it, she felt a tug behind her from her tail getting grabbed.
"Wait." Tilla spoke, making her mother turn around and saw the young girl looking up at her with tears running down her cheeks; the sight of which made Barbie's chest feel like it was being crushed. "Promise you'll come visit."
"I...I just told you what I am. Aren't you...you know, grossed out? Pissed? Ready to throw holy water at me or some shit?"
"I mean *sniff* I'm definitely shocked, and confused, but I have so many questions."
"I get that, but-"
"Please...mom?" Tilla looked at her with a pleading gaze.
Barbie bit her lip from the word and look, making her chest feel like someone was squeezing her heart. "Okay, I'll try and visit, if I can." she relented, making Tilla give a bright smile before her daughter suddenly clung to her with a tight hug. "Hey, not so friendly. You might get into trouble with the power that be."
"But mom, God is forgiving to those who accept him in their heart."
Barbie let out a groan, not having the heart to give a sarcastic remark with Tilla's grip on her. She looked down at her and moved her arms around her and gave a small smile. The memory of her first holding her came back, causing her to shed a few tears. "I have to go now."
"Mmmm, ok..."
Barb stepped through the portal and gave her daughter a wave from the otherside.
Tilla waved while trying to keep up a smile and not break down.
"Oh! And tell your father if he ends up in hell because he missed church then I'll rip him apart myself."
"You got it mom!" Tilla replied with a thumbs up
"And keep doing what you're doing. You got a good chance at ending up at those pearly gates, and I'd be a pretty shitty mom if I didn't want you to do better than me." She said before closing the Portal
Tilla shook her hands and started jumping up and down, letting out joyful squeaks while happy tears ran down her cheeks. "I'm...so...happy..." she got out while the camera cut away back into hell where Barbie tried to wipe away her own tears.
Every fiber was screaming at her to go back.
"For Satan's sake, I can't believe I fucked up like that." She let out before looking out at the city. "No...No. This was for the best."
After taking a moment to get herself together, she made her way back to her job.
