AN: I haven't posted on this site in almost a decade. But the Owl House was such a moving show I just had to write about it. This takes place during the first episode of season three, "Thanks to Them". I wanted to explore Luz's guilt that is prevalent throughout the end of the show in a way that could flow naturally with season three.
Content Warning: Suicidal thoughts and attempts.
Everything had fallen apart, and it was all her fault.
Months ago, Luz dreamed of bringing her new friends to the human realm. Bridging the two worlds seemed like a distant fantasy until now. But she came home, just like she promised. She and Camila were reunited. She could show her friends the wonders of her world, and she got to introduce her girlfriend to her mamá. All it cost was the destruction of the Demon Realm.
In truth, there was no way to know how far gone the Demon Realm was. The Collector could have razed it to the ground, or kept everyone alive as prisoner and playmate. There was a real chance that King, Eda, and everyone she ever met there was dead.
Well, everyone except those foolish enough to stand by her.
In the end, what else did Luz expect? Abandoning her home and going into the Demon Realm was a selfish act, one she now regretted. She finally made friends, found people that accepted her, and even found love. Of course there were going to be consequences. Good things don't happen to Luz Noceda, it didn't make any sense.
The universe found ways to balance itself, and she was the marble dropped on the spinning plate. It would wobble, dip, and finally throw her off before returning to its regular motion. She created an amazing book report and then was sent to normalcy camp. She tried to stand up to her bullies and then was pummeled into the ground. She tried to be the best daughter she could be, and her father died.
And now, she tried to avoid her human life and make a new one for herself in Bonesbourough. For a while things made sense, and she felt everything turn around. She found her confidence, she was unashamedly herself, and she found people willing to tolerate and even love her. But that pesky universe was always looming, ready to correct its mistakes.
There was no action without an equal and opposite reaction. The rubber band kept pulling and pulling as she continued ignoring the tension. It grew tighter around her as she convinced herself that she was the hero doing the right thing. It peaked at the Day of Unity when the band snapped back into place. She was slammed into what was always coming: the natural balance of the universe.
It was a cold fact she had to accept. Wherever she went, whoever she met, whatever she did: It would all crumble around her. She was not the Good Witch Azura, and she was not the malicious Emperor Belos. She was nothing, neither hero nor villain. She was an anomaly that needed to be corrected. She held a very delicate palace in reality, teetering on the edge between worlds. She could not hold that position for much longer.
There was no getting around it. This was a direct result of her actions. She regretted not being intelligent enough to anticipate it. If her friends were drops in the ocean, she was the meteor that caused a tidal wave. She selfishly left her mamá to learn magic, she was naïve and gave Belos the key to the Boiling Isles, and she was responsible for the probable deaths of everyone in the Demon Realm. Trying to better herself resulted in the universe rebalancing, as it always did. How could she not have seen it coming?
To top it all off, she pulled her friends out of their homes. They were stranded. It was an added punishment to see the people she loved in such pain. They had all kept their hopes up in the search for Titan's Blood or another gateway, but Luz could see how defeated they were. They had the same worries she did, that the Boiling Isles were gone. The key difference was that Luz got to lord her own home over them every second of every day. Luz learned magic and came home, she got everything she set out for: ripple effects be damned.
Luz stared blankly at her face in the bathroom mirror. She was visibly drained, the bags under her eyes were heavy and dark. Her pupils seemed dim, missing the light of wonder she once held. It was no secret that she was not herself, and everyone took notice. She'd push them all away, writing it off as a lack of sleep. It wasn't a lie, just an omission of the truth. If she said anything more, they would worry about her. That was something she could not accept.
It was her fault that Amity, Willow, Gus, and Hunter were trapped in the human realm. It was her fault that her mamá had to support four more kids on her salary that barely covered the two of them. Not to mention Vee, who had stolen her life away without Camila even noticing.
She figured anomalies like her were so undesirable that any reversion to normalcy would be accepted without question. Luz was replaced with a more perfect version of herself, and her own mother didn't bat an eye. Luz never blamed Vee, in fact Luz was in her debt: For those few months, the basilisk helped Camila live a normal and worry-free life.
It was all so overwhelming, but Luz didn't have the energy to cry anymore. She spent most nights over the past month quietly sobbing herself to sleep. Slowly but surely, the tears dried up and she would lie awake for hours begging for the night to take her. She was grateful Willow and Amity were heavy sleepers: Luz would tiptoe around them and sit on the deck, staring up at the stars. She wondered how many inhabited worlds were out there, and, if she visited them, how soon would those worlds collapse.
She found herself smiling weakly as she connected those dots of light in her mind. Spelling words, drawing pictures: constellations all her own. It was peaceful, being completely alone at the apex of night. It almost felt right: A mistake like her should be isolated from everything and everyone. She couldn't cause damage if she was absent.
If, by some miracle, King and Eda were still alive, they had a real chance to fight back and save the Boiling Isles. As long as Luz herself wasn't around to play hero, they would have hope.
Luz wiped her eyes and tried to make tears fall. Her emotions were condensing into a prison around her heart, and it showed on her face in the mirror. She couldn't keep brushing away questions with "I'm just tired." Eventually it would come to a head, and she would not allow anyone to pity her. They lost so much more than Luz ever did: Gus's dad, Willow's dads, Amity's entire family, and whatever ambitions Hunter had for a new future.
What did Luz leave behind? An adoptive mother and brother that she'd known for a few months? She didn't want to minimize the impact Eda, King, and even Hooty had on her. But it was difficult to equate an adoptive family she just met to the entire families she had broken, and the lives that were lost.
Screaming in her English class should have been so cathartic. Everything weighing her down was released to a confused and ignorant crowd. But she was right, if she had never existed then Belos wouldn't have risen to power. Her friends wouldn't have been homeless and alone. An entire world wouldn't have been in flames. She finally said everything out loud, and it did not help her feel better. It only deepened a self-inflicted wound.
When she returned from school, Camila sat Luz down in the kitchen. Camila was preparing dinner, dicing onions with expert skill and a sharp blade. Luz watched intently as the knife reshaped the vegetable. With a few swift movements, a formerly unusable shape was corrected to the recipe's standards. Luz couldn't tear her eyes away from the sharpness of the tool, her heart beating faster with every drop of the blade.
Camila smiled sweetly and showed genuine love and concern. Two things Luz did not deserve.
"Luz, I had a talk with your teacher today. Is there…anything you want to get off your chest?"
Camila's words passed through Luz like the knife effortlessly dicing those onions. If she told the truth, Luz's anomalous nature would put Camila in danger. If she denied that there was anything wrong, Camila would still worry but the danger would be lessened. No matter what she did, Luz's ripple effect would hurt one of the most important people in her life. She chose the lesser of the two evils. She had to put on a brave face and deny everything.
"It's nothing Mamá, I'm just tired."
Luz left the kitchen table wordlessly and walked outside. The air was growing bitter as the summer sun went away for the year. In the past she loved the cold autumn breeze. Halloween used to be her favorite holiday. But when her father died, the holidays seemed more and more like a reminder of all the good things she had lost.
Seeing her friends experience autumn for the first time made her smile. It was like looking back through her own eyes as a child. But the price was too high for cheap moments of nostalgia.
The cold bit at her skin as she took note of each leaf falling from the trees. The days were growing darker and colder, aptly reflecting the things she had done. She tried to find the energy to keep up with her friends while searching for Titan's Blood, or trying to create a new portal door. After so many failed attempts, it was Amity that convinced Luz to go back to class when the summer ended.
"We can keep the search up while you're in school. You deserve a break."
Amity was so beautiful, inside and out. She had the capacity to love someone who wasn't worthy of a passing glance. She grew and changed and found herself, and she fell in love with a living Murphy's Law. Luz wondered how it would end: Would Amity realize her mistake and leave? Or would Luz end up getting her killed, like she did everyone in the Boiling Isles? Either would be fitting, given Luz's track record.
Amity was right about school, though. It was a chance to get away from the people she wronged, and it gave them a deserved break from her. It was good, at least for the first few weeks. But after a while, Luz realized that she was alone again. She had no human friends before abandoning her home, and that was still the case when she returned. So she spent her hours in class daydreaming, and after many hours she realized what an error she was. It was a creeping fear she always held, but this whole affair was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Anomalous. Incorrect. Erroneous. A fissure in reality itself. The only other explanation was even more horrifying: That she was the villain. Luz sought power by trying to become a witch. She didn't hesitate to hurt her mamá when she chose to leave the human realm. She disrupted and drastically changed the lives of those around her, positively in the short-term only. The lasting ripple effects were devastating.
It had been months. There was no way back. There was no hope.
She drifted through the hallways like a ghost, remembering better days in each room. She didn't grow up here, but it was here where things used to make sense. Luz and her parents were happy, if only for a short time. She loved her father so much and it was for nothing. She loved Camila so much and it would be for nothing. She loved Amity more than she thought possible, and it would be for nothing.
She stared up at the stars and connected the dots. She felt the ebbs and flows of gravity, each sun a light in its own realm. It was majestic, but only from a distance. She had no place here, no more songs to sing. She needed to leave.
Luz heard the back door open behind her. Amity woke up and saw Luz outside.
"Can I join you?"
Luz didn't respond. Amity sat down, holding two mugs of hot cocoa in her hands. She wordlessly handed one to Luz. They sipped in silence, and Luz looked down into the drink. She would not dare look Amity in the eye.
"Batata, I know you're not okay."
Luz didn't say anything.
"If you won't talk to me, I'm just going to sit here with you. All night."
Luz closed her eyes, an action that was more and more difficult as of late. She spoke,
"It's okay, go back to bed Amity."
Amity shook her head.
"No, Luz. It's not okay." Her voice was hushed in whisper, "I need you to know…how scared I am. We all are."
Luz's grip tightened on the mug, visibly shaking. Her voice was dry and hoarse, "Please don't worry about me. I just haven't been sleeping."
Tears were welling in Amity's eyes. She struggled to keep quiet, "You keep saying that. You promised me, no more lies. Do you remember?"
Luz remembered it well. It was beneath their cherry blossom tree, on the anniversary of her father's death. She couldn't deal with her emotions, so she buried them and it all boiled over. She betrayed Amity's trust, and earned it back by being honest. It was a beautifully terrifying day.
Perhaps she could feel relief if she just opened up again. Amity could probably have guessed why Luz was so distant. They could talk honestly and work together to stabilize Luz's drained state. It would have been nice to connect to the world again.
Luz nodded and gritted her teeth. Amity wrapped her arm around Luz, hoping to stop her from shaking. She whispered into Luz's ear, "It's okay, it's okay. I'm here."
This wasn't right. Amity would be pulled down with her, something horrible would happen. Luz could open up, share her feelings, tell her the truth, and let her loved ones in to help her. But if she did, it would all collapse in cosmic fashion. She did not deserve the love she was given. She couldn't speak, each time she tried her voice would get caught in her throat.
Amity didn't push, she just sat there with Luz patiently. Hours passed and Amity offered to bring her back to bed. Luz nodded and the pair slowly walked back to the bedroom. Amity held Luz's cheeks and kissed her. She whispered, "We'll talk when you're ready. I'm always here for you. I love you."
Luz's heart broke. It was a paralyzing phrase she dreaded. Luz loved Amity back but would not dare utter the words. If she did, who knew what the ramifications would be. You could not love what should not exist, as Amity did. The void would engulf its lover in fear and despair, shrinking until the abhorrent crack in the world was satiated. Loving Luz was like screaming into a storm, begging lighting to strike and burn the earth.
She stared into Amity's golden and waiting eyes. Luz's mouth opened, but she still couldn't speak. Her voice was gone. She expected Amity to look sad or disappointed. Instead, Amity smiled in compassion. "When you're ready. Goodnight."
Sleep did not come to either of them. From her sleeping bag below, Amity kept her eyes on Luz's bed for any sign of movement. Luz curled into herself, and her breathing became labored. She needed to leave. That was the only way Amity could be safe. And if she left first, she'd be beating the universe at its own game. She would choose her own exit.
Luz found it appropriate that her Palisman would not hatch. If it already had a connection with her, it would know that it was doomed. It was better for it not to emerge, lest it be tortured by the repercussions of Luz simply being alive. She sat on her couch and watched it intently, leaning forward and holding her head low.
The egg sat in a blanket on the coffee table, and she found herself out here most early mornings when everyone else was still asleep. Luz whispered her thoughts to it, often hoping that the unhatched Palisman would find happiness.
But this was the morning she knew what she had to do. Amity had finally fallen asleep, so Luz made her way to the living room and whispered one last message to her final failure. Her throat was dry and her heart was spent, and she spoke through a voice almost unfamiliar.
"I'm so sorry. I wish things were different. But wishing for things to change only made everything worse. I hope you hatch someday."
Luz drifted into the kitchen and found the knife that had so fascinated her a few days prior. It wasn't flashy or particularly large, it was just a tool for correction. It would excise a tumor from the world. She brought what was left of herself to the bathroom, and she turned on the shower. She let the steam fill the room as she took one last look at herself in the mirror. There wasn't much left, and she couldn't bear to look at herself for too long.
She brought her arms close to her chest and sat down beside the tub, steam enveloping her. She never wanted her family to worry about her, but what would the effect be if Camila found her in the tub with the knife? Or Amity? Or anyone who foolishly loved her? Maybe she had one last choice: To end herself away from prying eyes.
She hugged herself hard, relishing and fearing the severity of what she was about to do. She turned off the shower, grabbed the knife from the vanity, and went outside. She didn't even bother changing out of her pajamas, she just walked into the trees. The sun barely crept over the horizon to light her way. It was as though the universe couldn't take action against her: Luz had to make the first and last move.
She stopped in her tracks and stared forward, the cold nipping at her arms. A thought struck in her mind like a match lighting a dark room. She had been following what she thought were logical deductions. Her emotions were so hardened that they couldn't have influenced her judgment. Nothing could have tainted her philosophy, her cold rational reasoning for all the bad things that were happening. Everything made sense.
But if the universe always struck back at her, why could it not kill her? How could it kill the ones she loved in retaliation for her actions, but she had to kill herself? If her existence was a mistake, why wasn't she corrected until she was old enough to realize how terrible she was? And wouldn't that, in turn, propose a conscious cosmic force maliciously torturing her instead of acting in balance?
What if she was wrong?
She fell to her knees, conflicted for the first time in months. She was convinced she had to leave, watching her friends and family suffer was the cause she needed. But day after day they kept trying to support her. She still didn't feel worthy of their love, but was she just too narrow minded to realize her absence would be more damaging?
Tears in her eyes, Luz looked around desperate for an answer. Each tree was silent and the forest held no solution. She saw the witches' clubhouse they had renovated over the summer. Memories of her friends filled her with the tiniest of sparks. It was like staring at the sun through a welder's mask. She couldn't recognize it, but it was definitely there. Shaking, she stood back up and entered the clubhouse.
The door creaked as she opened it, and she noted how she'd have to fix that. The walls were lined with pictures from their summer and drawings of their families in the Demon Realm. She quickly looked away from their drawn faces, knowing they were probably dead thanks to her. As her head turned, she saw a small purple book sitting on a nearby desk under more photos. She remembered buying it for Amity so she could begin journaling again.
Luz reached for it, then stopped. The last time she read Amity's diary was an accident, but perhaps she was right when she called Luz a bully. That was so long ago, and so much had changed. But negative memories had taken the forefront of her mind recently. Luz picked apart every glance, every word, everything she could have done differently over the course of her life.
But at that moment, she didn't care. If she was truly a bully or a villain or a cosmic mistake, then the knife would find its way soon. Maybe reading the diary would be like a last conversation with Amity. She hadn't been able to speak to her girlfriend the night before, why would this morning be any different? This was the best chance she had to hear her voice again.
She hoped that Amity had written about her. Amity's private thoughts could put her conflict to rest, and she could leave them all behind knowing she wasn't wanted. All Luz needed was something to latch on to. Maybe she was wrong about her place in the universe, but she had to be right about how her family perceived her. When she used to sleep, Luz would have persistent nightmares of Amity, her mamá, and everyone revealing their "true" feelings. Hate, despair, anger, disgust.
She had to be right.
She flipped through each page and read carefully. There was a great deal of pain, as Luz expected. But there was also happiness. There were moments during their time on earth when she felt relieved of worry. Like it was a pocket reality bereft of any disaster in the Boiling Isles. Moments where she didn't have to be sad, moments where there had been hope. And most of all, there was love. Amity drew a little heart each time she wrote Luz's name. Some pages held pencil drawings of the two of them, embroidered with stars and flowers.
And then there was the last entry.
Amity had drawn a picture of Luz alone on the couch, tired and defeated. It was worse than staring into a mirror. The page had dried stains dotted around it, a direct result of Amity crying. Below the picture, Luz read each word slowly.
"I wish she would talk to me. I want to help her, like she's helped me. She's the only thing that keeps me going, and I want to do the same for her. I don't know what my future holds but I need her in it. I can't let her drift away like this, I have to do something. I love her. I just want her to know how important she is. Nothing would make me change the way I feel about her. But I don't know what to do. I'm so scared."
Luz finally cried. She didn't find what she was looking for. Instead, she found something worse: A reason to stay. She closed the book and curled up on the floor, whispering Amity's name. No one was going to benefit from her absence, at least not now. She had to try and make things right before she left. She owed it to everyone after what she had done. It was still her fault, and there might be no hope. But she had to be absolutely sure that there was nothing left to be done.
She gripped the knife hard. Her skin and the blade might meet again someday, but not until she got her friends home. They deserved a real life, and Luz owed them everything. And if the universe was toying with her, she just didn't care. She couldn't live the remainder of her life in fear of a theory, even if that remainder was short. She would never understand it, and she herself would never be understood.
None of that mattered. She had a plan to deal with herself only when the Boiling Isles were saved. The itinerary was damning, but at least she could try one last time to do something right. She had learned so much about herself and how her actions affected others. With that knowledge she could fix all of her mistakes.
The effort could yield its own rewards. Or it would get everyone killed. Either way the end result would end in her death: be it after she saved everyone, or in the failed attempt. She knew even if they were successful, she couldn't stay in the Demon Realm. She would go home and close the door, living with her mamá like she was always meant to do until it was time to end it all.
Delaying the inevitable would give her life meaning. She could finally make up for everything before making her exit. That little spark inside her flashed again. For a brief moment, she thought this delay might help her find a reason to stick around even longer.
It was fleeting, but the seed had been planted.
The sun was bright and the air felt unusually warm. The brown leaves swirled around her and led her back home. Each leaf underfoot cracked with decay, breaking down into the earth and waiting to regrow. She quietly went into the kitchen and put the knife away.
Amity was sitting in the living room, watching Luz's Palisman closely. Her back was to Luz but she could see how weak Amity looked. They needed each other's strength, now more than ever. Luz whispered,
"Good morning, sweet potato."
Amity's head whipped around upon hearing that sweet voice. She practically lept from the couch and hugged Luz with the strength of a Titan. Luz tried to put on a smile and Amity was softly crying. She wiped her eyes and asked,
"I was thinking, maybe we could watch an Azura movie tonight? Just to relax a little?"
Luz pressed her forehead into Amity's, willing herself to stability for her girlfriend's sake. It was a band-aid on a missing limb, but even if it helped a little then it would be worth the effort.
"That's a great idea."
Thanks for reading! Reviews and critiques are always welcome.
-Taspiron