Dazai Can Speak Meow?

by Yuna Yami Mouto

As if androids, former demon vessels, zombies and filthy rich grandmas weren't enough, the ADA learns one of Dazai's associates is a CAT. And they can COMMUNICATE?

Dazai Can Speak Meow!?

Summary: As if androids, former demon vessels, zombies and filthy rich grandmas weren't enough, the ADA learns one of Dazai's associates is a CAT. And they can COMMUNICATE!?

Part 5 of Dazai's Strangest Guests

Androids, artificial humans who used to be vessels for singularities slash gods, resurectees and rich secret grandmas were one thing, but this was now getting ridiculous!

There was a cat on the Agency sofa, sitting across from Dazai in the reception area, tea and dried sardines served before it like refreshments are served to guests. Dazai had his own cup of tea in hand and seemed perfectly content to have what appeared to be a staring match with the feline and he seemed very intent on winning.

"Isn't that Haruno-san's Mi-chan?" Tanizaki had asked, having seen the pictures from Naomi, but no one could be sure if the calico, indeed, belonged to their head clerk. The woman was on vacation so they couldn't exactly ask her who her go-to cat-sitter was. So no, they had no idea why the cat was having tea with Dazai of all people.

"Wouldn't it prefer milk?" Kenji asked but no one answered.

Instead, they watched as the cat nibbled on the sardines and Dazai sipped his tea.

"How long have they been like this?" Kyouka asked and Kunikida grumbled.

"They gave me the scare of a lifetime when I found them like that this morning."

"More so than Verlaine-shishou's visit?" The former Port Mafia executive asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Tremendously. Seeing Dazai arrive on time or doing any sort of office work would signal an incoming apocalypse!"

"Well, people are coming back from the dead-"

"Please shut up, brat."

"Sorry, Kunikida-san." Atsushi had clearly been spending too much time around Dazai if he was starting to purposefully say things that would annoy Kunikida. Besides, he didn't really sound sorry at all.

Their attention snapped back to Dazai and the cat when they heard the click of Dazai putting his cup down. "I see. So that's how it is," he mused, leaning back into his seat with crossed legs and hands resting over the knee, fingers intertwined. "And you are sure of this, Sensei?"

"Mrow."

Dazai sighed, closing his eyes and tilting his head back. "Well, that could be troublesome. Of course, it should have not been left in government hands to begin with, but that's still 'up for debate'," he opened his eyes just to roll them, to which the cat let out a displeased sound. "This was inevitable, with the way things were. Didn't think the Diet would get involved, though."

"Meow."

"The plan should still function, of course, but it should be a whole lot more smooth sailing with Randou-san around and, well, where he goes, these days Verlaine-san follows," Dazai seemed to muse to himself, looking up at the ceiling, his forefinger drumming against his knee in an odd rhythm. "They alone should be a boost the enemy isn't expecting ... I'm sure Oba-san won't mind applying some political pressure, too ... And Adam could be on standby in Europe ... The big problem here is whether No Longer Human is effective directly or needs to touch the source. That could create unnecessary complications."

The cat gave a warning hiss, ears going flat back against its skull.

Dazai huffed. "Yeah, yeah, I know it makes me a prime target, but I'll be fine and you know it-"

"Dazai-san," Kenji finally interjected, making both Dazai and the cat turn their eyes towards him in an oddly synchronized, very feline-like move. Not unexpected from the cat, but kind of weird from the man. "I didn't know you knew how to speak with animals! That's such a great skill! Say, would you mind going back with me to my village? We have this stubborn cow who refuses to leave its yard to go out in the field and-"

"Ah, Kenji-kun, no, I'm afraid I can't talk to animals, sorry~" Dazai interrupted with one of his usual sunny smiles.

"But you're having a conversation with that cat?" The farm boy asked with a tilt of his head and the cat seemed to let out an amused mrrph, to which Dazai shot it a Look. "See! You're doing it again, Dazai-san!"

"It really does look like you're talking with it," Junichiro added sheepishly.

Dazai sighed. "I can't talk to animals. Really," he insisted when his juniors looked ready to protest given the current evidence. "I really can't. It just so happens that I can talk to this one particular cat. There's a difference. Put any other random cat in front of me and I wouldn't be able to tell whether it wanted belly rubs or to scratch my face off."

"I guess that's why dogs are better," Atsushi mused, only to have both Kyouka and Dazai glaring at him. Hell, even the cat - Sensei, as Dazai had called it - glared at the weretiger, but the white haired teen remained oblivious to it. "It's a lot easier to tell their moods since they show them more openly, what with wagging their tails or perking up their ears and such. Plus! Dogs always want belly rubs, right?"

"I hate dogs," Dazai retorted dryly.

"They're disgusting," Kyouka agreed.

"Meow!"

"Dogs aren't that bad," Kunikida joined in with a roll of his eyes. "You lot are exaggerating."

"And this, Kunikida-kun, is why you'll never be the favorite child."

"As if that could ever be you!" The blond blurted out, flustered.

The bandaged brunet just shrugged. "I was. Still am. I just chose to be here instead of eating out of gold and silver plates and spoons and whatever. Quite literally at that, on top of figuratively in the Mafia. Besides, I have the perfect argument why cats are superior to those wiggly fleabags."

"Oh yeah? Let's hear it."

"A dog is too needy; it would constantly interfere with your schedule. Cats, on the other hand, are very independent and can survive more than ten minutes away from you."

"Oh! Oh! But cows are even better, in that case, because they need very little attention overall!" Kenji added on while Kunikida tried to make a counterargument to his biggest weakness.

"How did this turn into a pet argument?" Tanizaki wondered with a sweatdrop.

"Is no one going to address the things Dazai-san was saying while talking with the cat?" Kyouka, unsurprisingly, remembered the real doozy that had started this whole debate and they all turned to look at the calico who was far too content to just watch them, lap calmly at the lukewarm tea and nibble on some of the served dried sardines. "It sounded quite serious, Dazai-san. Is everything okay?"

Dazai smiled reassuringly at the girl. "Yeah, everything will be just fine, Kyouka-chan. There's just some trouble incoming, but we're ready for it, now more than ever. After all, we have the almost limitless possibilities of Illuminations! We have Chuuya! We even have Verlaine-san, whose Ability has made a comeback, even if it will never be as strong as it used to be, probably."

"You've been in contact with Verlaine-shishou again?"

"Yeah, Verlaine-san actually asked me and Chuuya to help Randou-san train him back to being able to use his Ability the way he used to. He can do most of the things that slug can, but I guess it's small scale now. That might change, since you never really know with singularities, but it also may remain that way forever. Still, I don't think he'll ever go back to being able to unleash Guivre, since I'm pretty sure Chuuya got rid of that six years ago. Not that we need Guivre now. Not that we'd need any of this if you'd just listened to me," Dazai said pointedly, directing it not at Kyouka but rather the calico cat, who hissed in displeasure. "But no. Sensei knows best, right?"

"Why are you even arguing with this cat, Dazai-san?" Atsushi asked, finally, what was on everyone's minds still.

"Well, Atsushi-kun, as I said, some trouble might be coming our way in the near future and we need to be prepared so everything ends well."

"Yes, but ... Why a cat?" The white haired teen insists. "Why not Ranpo-san? Or the President? Or any of us? Why ... Just ... Why the cat?"

"He's probably off his rocker, high on some shrooms again, Atsushi, don't mind him," Kunikida scoffs and both Dazai and the cat glare at him. "What sane man would talk with a cat? A cat! I'd understand a parrot, since they can imitate speech, or even apes since they can learn sign language, but a cat!? Utterly ridiculous and a clear sign of madness."

At that moment, Fukuzawa walked into the office after his latest update call with Ranpo and Yosano about the mission they'd been sent out on for the day, only to pause as he spotted Dazai's newest guest. "Natsume-sensei? What are you doing here? Well," he cast a glance at Dazai, who gave him a cheery wave with a huge smile on his face. "I suppose I should have expected this at this point."

"Purrr."

"Yes, I suppose it really is my fault for not figuring out that if Mori-sensei was interested in him, you would have been, too. How did you meet, exactly?"

"Sensei led me around the city when I was fourteen until I got sick of following him and jumped off a bridge in hopes of committing a peaceful, painless suicide without bothering anyone, but I survived because I ended up close to Mori-san's clinic and he was out with Elise buying her sweets or something when he saw me jump, so he took me in, treated me and the rest is, as they say, history. Sensei kept bothering me and spying on me from time to time in the following years, usually warning me of threats I might not have heard of through my own channels and methods. Eventually we stopped pretending we don't know each other - or rather that I don't know him and we would just sit somewhere private and conspire how to keep Yokohama the safest possible."

"So you're plotting against some incoming plot?" Fukuzawa asked, though he knew he understood the gist of it. "Should we be concerned?"

"Hmm, not as much as we would have needed to had Randou-san not come back and had Verlaine-san remained in the basement, reluctant to fight. He's doing great, by the way, even his Ability is coming back more and more with each training session he has with Randou-san, Chuuya and I. They'll be a great asset, potentially even crucial, in the upcoming conflict."

"Meow~!"

"T-that's good to hear, I guess." Fukuzawa sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose for a moment. Dazai offered him a seat and some tea but the President declined. "I'd rather not be involved with this, thank you. Just ... When you develop your schemes and plots and whatnot, please inform the Agency? Ranpo's already pulling out his hair after that incident where Kunikida ended up in jail. I don't need him stressing and obsessing with Dostoevsky more than that."

Dazai waved him off. "Meh, demon Fyodor is mine to worry about. Ranpo-san should worry about the home base! Home base!"

" ... I'm not sure I like the sounds of that, actually."

"Meaw!"

"Oh, shush," Dazai told the cat, who seemed to agree with Fukuzawa. "You know my plans never fail! Don't get sassy now or else you'll have to get your own sardines!"

"S-shachou?" A white Kunikida called, aghast at what he had implied against his own superior when he saw how casually the man was now speaking with a cat.

"Hmm? Yes, Kunikida?" The swordsman asked as he looked up from where he was giving his own offerings of dried little fish in the wake of Dazai's threat and the calico's kitty glare.

"D-do you know this c-cat?"

"Ah. Why yes, I do know him."

"Of course he does," a voice came from the cat before it was engulfed with bright light. With a pop and some smoke, the cat was replaced with a gentleman dressed in brown with a hat on his head, almost hiding that it was divided in three colors, just like the cat's fur had been. He had a cane he leaned his hands on and he was leaning back with a straight spine and crossed legs, elegantly mimicking Dazai's posture. "We go way back. Who do you think gave this brat the Skilled Business Permit necessary to run the Agency!"

"WHAT!?" Kunikida, Tanizaki and Atsushi yelled, while the two fourteen year olds just stared at Natsume Soseki with awe at the fact that he can, in fact, become a cat.

"Atsushi has officially become the inferior feline," Kyouka said decisively and Dazai almost started rolling with laughter at the affronted look on the weretiger's face while Natsume just puffed up his chest.

"How is a tiger inferior to a house cat!?"

"Cats have softer fur than tigers ... Probably."

"Dazai-san, can we go to the zoo to pet a tiger?" Kenji asked, raising his hand like a school boy and Dazai was really losing his shit, he couldn't even breathe how hard he was laughing. The whole exchange was almost as good as Chuuya's rich girl impression!

"Absolutely not!" Kunikida rejected and the kids plus Fukuzawa all looked rather dejected.

"Stop! I can't-" Dazai gasped between guaffs. "I can't breathe!"

Kunikida moved to choke him in hopes that a bit of berating would make at least him stop acting so absurd - a bad thought process to begin with - but Natsume slapped his hands away with his walking cane. He's not seen Dazai having this much genuine, harmless fun in months, if not years and he wasn't letting the uptight idealist ruin it so soon. Kunikida sent him an indignant, offended stare but dared not speak out against the founder of the Agency.

"So," Fukuzawa cleared his throat. "Are we talking Port Mafia trying to kidnap Atsushi levels of trouble, the Guild levels of trouble, the Rats of the House of the Dead levels of trouble, Shibusawa levels of trouble, or any of the Soukoku levels of trouble?"

"Well, since it's demon Fyodor, it's kind of something between Shibusawa and Rats with a touch of the government is corrupt and spitting on us, plus betrayal."

"I ... don't even know what to say," Fukuzawa admitted.

Natsume snorted, picking up his tea and sipping on it like a human for the first time. "Just tell that son of yours not to blindly trust other people just because you said you blindly trust them. That ought to solve half the incoming problems."

"Which son?" The President asked and the entire office froze, because that was not what they were expecting.

"What," came flatly from the cat-shifter. "I know you never legally signed any papers, eleven years ago, but I'm still pretty sure Edogawa is as close to a child you'll ever come-'

"No, I know Ranpo's the son I never had, buf he's hardly the only one." Now they all gawked at him, Natsume included. "Though I suppose it is Ranpo you're referring to. Dazai is too much like Ougai to ever trust someone just because someone else he's close to trusts them. Though Kunikida might, out of respect-"

A thud interrupted him as the bespectacled blond fainted and hit the floor, practically foaming at the mouth. Dazai himself squirmed in something like confused embarrassment, too focused on Fukuzawa's regard of him to even be upset at the, unfortunately accurate, comparison to Mori.

Fukuzawa blinked at the sudden silence in the office. "Is it something I said?"

Natsume let out a disbelieving laugh, slapping his knee or even folding over his cane as he tried to get his breathing back under control. He stood up, patted his student on his shoulder before waking over and reaching out to ruffle Dazai's messy curls, making them stand all over the place. "Ah, you may be surrounded by idiots, but I'm glad I was right to never doubt your safety and happiness here. It seems you have more people willing to love you than you thought, Osamu-gaki! Proves that adorable partner of yours right, no?" He smiled gently at the flustered brunet. "You are more human than you thought, huh." He turned on his heel, towards the open windows. "You all take care of yourselves now, okay? And be sure to stop Osamu-gaki from letting himself get hurt because of his latest schemes. His terrifying grandmother can't hold a candle to a certain ginger gravity manipulator, after all~"

With that, he turned back into a cat, snatched up all the leftover sardines and jumped out the window.

There was a long, kind of awkward stretch of silence before Atsushi broke it.

"Huh, if Ranpo-san, Yosano-sensei, Kunikida-san and Dazai-san are considered the children, then what are we?" He asked his fellow teenagers and Tanizaki already looked like he wanted to die from embarrassment.

Kunikida sat up groggily. "Huh? Wha?"

Kenji had an all too enthusiastic answer. "The grandchildren, silly!"

Kunikida promptly passed out again.

Dazai burst out laughing again while Fukuzawa had the decency to blush. That nearly gave everyone else a heart attack and they agreed to never speak of it again. So for the next few hours, until Yosano and Ranpo came back, it was oddly quiet in the office, Kunikida still unconscious - probably his body trying to save him from the stress - and Fukuzawa retreating into his office so he can pretend none of this had ever happened. The others did their work dutifully even as Naomi came back from school and no one bothered Dazai as he spent the afternoon listening to music or 'napping' on the couch. They figured that's the safest option right now, after yet another weird visit from one of Dazai's acquaintances. Besides, they also figured it was for the best to let him rest; he may not be doing any of the dreaded, hated paperwork, but it seems that he was doing overtime in protecting the city, from planning to preparing their allies for a future fight. It would be best to let him rest as much as he can when he gets the chance.

Knowing him, Dazai probably will end up getting hurt or taken or something and no one wants a pissed off Tsushima Kiye and her butler Sebastian to come take their heads off. Or worse still the two Trascendants who seem fond of him. Or worse still, Nakahara Chuuya.

"We're back~!" Ranpo announced with a flourish and arms full of sweets with Yosano in tow and a few shopping bags hanging off of her arms. They took one look at the sprawled out Kunikida on the floor and pouted. "We missed something fun, didn't we? Again~? No fair~!" He whined and promptly plopped down on Dazai's stomach, who wheezed rather fakely and made no move to remove the master detective, only shifting his legs a little to make room for Yosano to sit down, too, and then have his legs yanked back over her lap.

"Spill," was the demand from their resident doctor.

"Dazai-san can talk to cats," Atsushi blurted out and Yosano snorted.

"Obviously; how else would he have adopted you?"

Atsushi's face exploded red and he whined as he curled up under his desk in mortal embarrassment. Kyouka reached down under the desk to pet where tiger ears had spontaneously manifested, enjoying petting a cat while pretending to be offering him comfort. Multitasking, am I right?

"Uhm, a Natsume Soseki-sensei came by to discuss plans with Dazai-san early enough this morning to scare Kunikida-san," Tanizaki 'reported' and Ranpo made a sound of understanding. He looked down at his fellow genius and the younger scrunched up his nose as if to say 'Later', to which Ranpo was definitely going to hold him to, mind you. "It turned out that he's a cat? Or, well, he came as a cat and we all thought Dazai-san had finally lost it, but it turns out the guy's Ability is I Am A Cat and he was promptly declared the superior feline specimen-"

"Which I still think is bullshit-"

"Atsushi!" Kunikida yelled, coming back to life immediately at the inappropriate language in the office and in front of two minors, no less.

"That's about the time the President came and declared all the senior Agency members as his k-kids," Junichiro stammered out and Naomi gasped in surprise. Ranpo also choked on his snack while Dazai covered his face with his palms at the reminder. "Natsume-san? Natsume-sensei? Natsume-dono?"

"Natsume-san should do," Yosano managed to choke out between suppressed guaffs as Kunikida fainted again at the reminder.

"Yes, well, Natsume-san then said something along the lines of this being a good, safe place for Dazai-san and how we should look out for him unless we want Lady Tsushima and the Port Mafia's gravity manipulator to come after us."

"The cat man also said Mr Fancy Hat will like us for being Dazai-san's friends!" Kenji chirped and Ranpo couldn't help but grin when Dazai's blush basically radiated through his palms.

"Well, if we were compared to Mr Fancy Hat in regards to Dazai's safety and happiness or referenced as to getting his approval, we're gold."

"Please shut up, Ranpo-san."

"Only if you buy me a month's worth of candy, rich boy. And tell me your plans, oi!"

"Deal."

OWARI