"Orla, hi, sorry, I wasn't expecting it to be you." Nick said when he answered the door of his flat.
"Sorry, someone let me in downstairs. Mum was supposed to come over, but she's been held up at a meeting in town." I told him, as I shuffled Amelie on my hip.
"It's alright. Ella, Orla's here." Nick called into the flat. He then turned back to me. I still found it so strange how off Nick always was with me. We had lived together for over a year when him and Mum were going out and that was only when I was 15 or 16. I think he still felt an anger for Mum, for what she did with Peter when the two of them were meant to get married. And although no one has ever actually told him, I knew about it as well for some time before Mum told Nick about it. I think he probably knows that now. I suppose in a way, Nick had become more stand offish with me in the last six months as he had started to play more of a role in Ella's life. Ella had made almost a full recovery from her leukaemia since June and with the year almost over, it was one we were glad to see the back off. Since she had come out of hospital, she had spent more and more time seeing Nick and staying with him at his flat with Leanne and Sam too.
This was sad, not only for me, but for Isla and Tally as well, who had spent the first half of the year missing their sister because she was in hospital and the second half of the year, missing her because she was often with Nick. Despite this, the girls were still as close as ever. Isla turned 10 in November, Ella turned 8 and Amelie turned 2 in September while Tally would turn 6 just after Christmas.
"Do you want a drink or anything?" Nick asked, interrupting me from my thoughts.
"No, no, I've got to get them home. Lots of things to do, you know." I replied, before looking at Amelie who was almost asleep in my arms. "Come on, Ella belle, let's go." I called into the flat. Nick took a deep breath before looking back at me.
"I was going to speak to Carla about this, but as you're here instead. I was just wondering how you'd feel about Ella spending Christmas Day here, with Sam, Leanne and I." Nick asked, taking me by surprise. I stuttered slightly in an attempt to answer the question before taking a deep breath.
"It's a bit last minute to ask, don't you think? We've got plans." I lied, we weren't doing anything that in particular apart from the usual, get up, open presents, eat Christmas lunch, watch TV, which we did every year. I was about to speak again when Ella appeared and sat down behind Nick, putting on her shoes. She smiled brightly at me, and I smiled back. All I wanted to do was bundle her up and take her home, never let Nick near her again. But he was her Dad now, and I couldn't do that. "I'll speak to Mum, get her to give you a call or something." I replied, as Ella stood up and grabbed her coat from the hook. "Hey Ella belle, how are you?" I said to her, as she walked towards me.
"Good. Thanks for playing Sam." She said to them, as Sam joined Nick at the doorway of the flat. "Thanks for having me, Nick." Ella continued, causing Nick to twitch slightly. Nick had told Leanne, who told Simon who told me how desperate he was for Ella to call him Dad, but still, after six months, Ella hadn't done it. Peter was still the only one who she called Dad. Nick and Sam both said goodbye as I took Ella and Amelie down the stairs and out of the Victoria Court.
As if she knew I was thinking about it, Ella turned to me, just as we passed Roy's and said,
"Do I have to call Nick Dad?"
I stopped in my tracks as I pushed Amelie's pushchair down the pavement and turned to Ella, who stopped beside me. I took a deep breath as I looked into her dark brown eyes. She really could be Mum, if you just looked at her eyes. I smiled, taking another breath before starting to walk again.
"There's no one at home, how about we go and have a chat about it there?" I said and Ella nodded before catching up to me and following me home.
When we got there, the house was silent apart from the faint whirring of the washing machine, which I'd put on before I left to go and pick Ella up. Amelie had fallen asleep in her pushchair, and I thought, for the time being, that was the best place to leave her.
"Come on, let's go and sit on the sofa." I said to Ella when she came into the kitchen from taking off her coat and shoes. We both walked over and sat down beside each other. I wrapped my arm around her so that her head rested on my chest, and I kissed her head.
"Can I ask my question now?" she asked.
"Of course, Bells." I said.
"Do I have to call Nick Dad?" she questioned as I stroked her soft hair. Despite the chemotherapy, she had still been left with some beautiful brown locks. It was less than it was before and not as thick as it was before, but still soft and gorgeous, and I was so glad she hadn't lost it all.
"Ella, it's a really complicated question." I began, still trying to figure out in my own head what I was going to say to her.
"That's why I wanted to talk to you about it, not Mummy or Daddy." She said. And then I understood, she knew she could ask me because I wouldn't take offence like Mum or Peter would.
"I understand Bells. And it's good to talk to one of us even if you aren't sure who. But I'm afraid I can't answer the question that you want the answer to." Ella looked up at me and I stroked her head. "But I can help. I just can't choose because Nick isn't my Dad, and neither is Peter, it's only you can decide."
"Do you wish that Peter was your Dad too?" she asked.
"I suppose sometimes I do; I wish you and me and Isla and Tally had the same Mum and Dad because life would be so much easier. But we don't. I have a different Dad to you three and you have a different Dad as well." I said. "But a lot of the time, I'm happy I have a different Dad, because I had an amazing Dad, who I really love and miss, and I wouldn't be me if I he wasn't my Dad."
"I don't understand?" she questioned.
"Well, each person in the world is different, aren't they?" she nodded as I carried on stroking her hair. "So, if every person is different, when they have a baby it means that baby is different aren't they? I'm not explaining this very well." I said, pausing again. "Ok, so imagine when you make a glass of squash, imagine when Mummy and Nick had you, Nick was the orange squash and Mummy was the water and when they mix together, what do they make?"
"Orange squash." She replied.
"Exactly, which is you. And then when Mummy had Tally, she was still the water, but Daddy was the blackcurrant squash, what would they make?" I asked.
"Blackcurrant squash." Ella said. I think, although my analogy was unusual, she was understanding it.
"You got it. So then if we know Mummy is water and Daddy is blackcurrant, what is Isla as well?" I asked her.
"She's blackcurrant too, like Tally." Ella replied.
"Exactly Bells. But no two glasses of squash will ever be the same, some will have more water than others, right?" She nodded again. "What I'm trying to say is that we all came from Mummy but when she's mixed with different people, they make different things, different children, who look a little different and act a little differently or like different things, even when the same two people are mixed together." I said.
"What squash does that make you?" she asked.
"I'm not sure, I'm not orange like you and I'm not blackcurrant like Isla and Tally." I told her.
"Maybe you're the tropical one that Raffy likes." She said, giggling to herself.
"Do you understand what I'm trying to say now?" I asked her.
"Yeah, that I came from Mummy and Nick which means he is actually my Dad, but makes me different to Isla and Tala, and you too. So I have to decide whether I call Nick Dad or not." She said.
"Exactly my sweet. When did you get so clever?" I said, kissing her head again.
"Mummy taught me, when I was in the hospital. She taught me everything I know." She replied.
"Did Mummy tell you to say that?" I asked and Ella nodded as she laughed.
"What are you two giggling about?" Mum's voice said from behind us.
"Oh hey, I didn't hear you come in." I said as Ella carried on laughing.
"Hey Mummy." She said, leaping off the sofa and running around to hug Mum. "You're right about one thing Orla." She said, with her arms wrapped around Mum's waist.
"What's that?" I asked.
"She smells like water." Ella said, laughing to herself and I giggled too. Mum couldn't look more confused.
"What are you on about?" she questioned.
"I'll tell you later." I mouthed to her, winking at her.
Peter got home with the kids not long after and it took all three of us to get them all into bed. Tally was tired and cried until I came to tuck her in, because Peter hadn't done it properly. Amelie woke up in her pushchair and then I had to settle her back to sleep in her bed. Isla and Rosie were fighting with Raffy about whose turn it was to read a particular book. Mum, Peter and I were all exhausted, let alone the kids.
"What was that all about earlier, with Ella?" Mum asked as she came downstairs and stood behind me as I sat reading my emails at the kitchen table.
"She asked me if she had to call Nick Dad." I told her, shutting my laptop as Mum sat down beside me.
"And what did you tell her?" she asked.
"That she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. That having a different Dad does make her different to Isla and Tala but that doesn't mean that she can't call Peter Dad, because he is all she has ever known." I replied, as Mum placed her hand on mine.
"I don't know if Nick will like that." She said.
"Well, you won't like him much when I tell you the next part." I replied.
"Next part?" she asked, looking puzzled.
"Nick wants Ella to spend Christmas Day with him." I said, quietly, fearing Mum's reaction.
"What? It's the 23rd of December, he can't just turn around two days before Christmas Day and demand she spends the day with him. No Orla, he can't do that, she's my daughter, he can't." Mum said, as she pushed her chair away from the table and paced in the kitchen, fighting hard for the tears not to fall from her eyes. Peter appeared of the bottom of the stairs as the front door slammed shut. Michelle was home too.
"Hey, what's going on love?" Peter asked as he walked towards Mum. Mum gently pushed him away as she put her head in her hands.
"Nick wants to have Ella on Christmas Day." I said, as Michelle walked through the doorway from the hall, into the kitchen.
"He what?" Michelle said as Peter fought Mum to let him hug her. "He can't do that, he can't just demand that he have her, it doesn't work like that. He needs to compromise." Michelle said. The room fell silent, with none of us really sure what to say.
"He can though, he's her Dad at the end of the day." Mum said, lifting her head from Peter's shoulder. The room was silent again, because Mum was right. I thought about Amelie and how lucky, in a strange way that I was not to share her with anyone. I wished sometimes that she had a Dad, but I was soon reminded that she had lots of positive male influences in her life like Peter and Josh. I was glad that no one would ever be able to claim over her above me. It broke my heart that Nick could do this to Mum.
Michelle, Peter and I all comforted Mum and helped her come up with a sensible plan. She would talk to Nick tomorrow, try and come up with an arrangement that meant they both got to spend time with Ella on Christmas Day. But she'd also talk to Ella, there was no point arranging for her to go to Nick's if she was adamant she didn't want to go.
"I got lucky with you, didn't I?" Mum said that evening as she caught my hand as I walked to the bathroom. "No one to share you with, my girl, all to myself." She continued as she pulled me into hug her.
"No getting rid of me Mum." I whispered.