Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. We all know who does.
Heavy hitter this, frontline fighter that. In Usopp's finely curated opinion, being able to actually move after the battle was at least as important.
Case in point: Chopper is currently standing with his hooves on his hips glaring at both Sanji and Zoro, who are both collapsed on bunks in the infirmary.
None of them actually have any serious wounds, thank goodness, but there are a lot of them. Enough that Chopper is trying to ban them from bathing before he treats them.
Both of them are trying to convince the tiny doctor that they're gross and sweaty and covered in mutant crab goo and that bathing right now is definitely necessary. They're also arguing over who gets the bathroom first which is not helping Chopper's annoyance with them.
"Fine!" Chopper finally shouts into the garbled mess of voices. Both Zoro and Sanji look at him from where they'd been scowling at each other from opposite bucks as if they could combust the other person by their glare alone.
"But!" Chopper adds sternly, raising a hoof, "You're both concussed so neither of you are going in the bath alone!"
"I'm fine!" Zoro growls, "I don't need anyone babysitting me!"
Sanji scoffs. "If anyone here needs babysitting it's you marimo!"
"I can at least walk," Zoro shoots back.
"I can walk!" Sanji says offended. But then suddenly brightens. "But if the lovely nami-swan or robin-chwann wants to attend me in the bath…"
Usopp is pretty sure the girls do not.
"They're already changing from their baths," he points out. And then, because mischievous thoughts are made to be expressed upon your nakama, says "Since neither of you are supposed to bathe alone you might as well bathe together." The twin looks of absolute disgust the swordsman and cook shoot each other is hilarious.
Usopp does not expect Chopper to say tiredly, "I would accept that."
The looks of disgust turns into looks of horror before a grim kind of acceptance flitters across both their faces.
Neither of them are the kind of men who like to have others inconvenienced for them. Usopp thinks they're both kind of dumb about that honestly. Existence is a burden. It's the privilege of your family and friends to bear that burden. And if he thinks about this any more he's going to burst into tears like Franky so he doesn't.
Instead he watches completely incredulously as they both struggle to get of the cots and on their feet. They may not have very bad injuries but the fight was very, very long. Mutant crabs have surprising stamina.
"You are both idiots," he says despairingly, using his entire arms to point at them. They both flip him off but he is already moving. He hooks one of Sanji's arms over his shoulders and gets a good grip on Zoro's arm, thereby stabilizing both men.
"Is the great captain Usopp coming to our rescue?!" Sanji huffs, laughter coloring his voice.
"Keep mocking me and the great captain Usopp isn't going to remove the next bug that inhabits your kitchen," Ussop tells him.
Sanji mock-gasps and says, "I would never!"
Zoro is laughing at both of them. He manages to choke out a very sarcastic "Aye, Aye captain!" He chokes in pain in the next moment when Ussop 'accidentally' jostled him.
"Oops," he says sweetly while the swordsman swears at him.
Still, despite them leaving the infirmary like a weird, multi-legged snail, they make fairly good time to the bathroom.
He plunks first one and then the other on the shower benches they have inside, and runs the water for the bath.
"Alright," he says while the tub is filling. "If one of you passes out, call somebody!"
"I can't let him drown?" Zoro says lazily.
"You'll probably be the one drowning Mr. I got double-slammed into a rock by a crabs claw!" Sanji shoots back instantly.
"Chopper will kill you," Usopp tells Zoro and leaves them to it. He hopes neither of them passes out.
He's back outside the bathroom soon enough with his own clothes. He still has to bathe himself. Though he hadn't gotten a lot of goo being a sniper and therefore further back from the battle.
He's barely been back for a minute before he hears laughter from the inside. This would normally not be a cause for alarm but the laughter is edging into hysterical.
"Guys?!" He says knocking on the door. "I'm coming in okay?"
He swings open the door and then stops in the doorway.
Sanji is hunched over on the shower bench, one hand reaching for his pants that he'd begun edging down his very cut up legs. His shirt is hanging open.
Zoro is also still on his shower bench, shirtless now but he is leaning at an angle, one hand pressed to his side and the muscles in his neck are standing out painfully.
Both of them are still laughing, that half-hitched, half-hysterical laughter at themselves and each other.
Usopp blinks and then says with a sigh, "Both of your muscles seized didn't they?"
"No, I like being stuck in this position," Zoro says.
"Says you," Sanji retorts, laughter still in his voice. "If the great captain Usopp, the procurer of a thousand cures, wants to save me, how can I deny him?"
Usopp beams.
"And that's why I'm helping you first," he says.
"Oi!" Zoro grunts. Usopp waves sunnily at him and goes over to Sanji. "Where?" He asked.
"M'back," the cook grunts. "Underneath my shoulder blade."
First they have to wrestle the shirt off which is a spectacle in and off itself. When it's finally gone, Usopp maneuvers Sanji a little so he can put one knee on the bench to brace himself and dig his thumbs into the knot. He feels a little bad, Sanji's back is a mess of bruises, but the cook can't move unless the knot releases so he pushes away his squeamishness and applies pressure where needed.
Sanji groans deep in his throat but doesn't move. Usopp soothes the area with a few gentle sweeps before starting back to apply force. He feels Sanji's sudden relief when the knot suddenly and abruptly gives.
He leans back with a little sigh and gives Usopp a thumbs up. Usopp smiles back at him easily and then hops of the bench and over to where Zoro has tilted into an even more alarming angle.
Usopp rights him and goes to work on finding the pesky knot. This is a little difficult because he's sure a few of Zoro's ribs are cracked and also Zoro is less corded muscle and more a tangle of knotted up muscles stringing together the meat suit he calls a body. Usopp understands Chopper's constant frustration so much more now.
Still his probing fingers finally land on the knot in question, hot and hard and bunched under the skin. He starts slow because it feels really bad, gradually working up the pressure. Zoro maybe grunts low in his throat and then doesn't say anything else, eyes low and hooded, fingers pale with the grip he has against the biggest gash on his side.
This knot doesn't release as easily as Sanji's. Usopp has to do multiple passes over the knot, manipulating the pressure of his thumbs until it finally eases enough that Zoro can sit up stiffly.
A little too stiffly. Usopp looks at the stark cords of his neck and sighs.
"You're both idiots, you know that," he says, too fondly. He coaxes Zoro a little forward so he can swoop his thumbs down the lines of his neck. Zoro allows himself to be coaxed, resting his forehead on Usopp's sternum and closing his eyes. Usoops works on those muscles until they finally relent and relax, resembling something human again.
A small sound of victory comes from behind him and he turns to see that Sanji has finally worked one pant leg off.
"Oh my gosh" Usopp says with feeling. He eases Zoro back and hurries over to Sanji, crouching to help him work the other pant leg off.
"I can do it myself you know," the cook says dryly.
"You can," Usopp agrees readily. "But if I wait for that to happen, then me and Luffy would never get our baths."
Sanji huffs out a laugh, breath ruffling Usopp's hair. He expects a quick retort but instead the cook buries a hand in his hair, fingers lightly scratching twice.
"You're too good to us, snipes," he says, laughter and fondness mixing in his voice and making Usopp's ears go pink.
"Shut up you a-hole! That doesn't make me happy!" He yelps, subconsciously taking a page out of Chopper's book. Man he must be more tired than he thinks.
The reply has Sanji laughing in earnest and a deep chuckle comes from Zoro behind him. Usopp takes a moment from separating ruined fabric from ruined flesh to flip off the swordsman and only gets another chuckle in return.
Whatever. They're both bastards.
He finally gets the pants off of Sanji, only a flicker of pain crossing the cook's face through what must honestly be mild torture, and slings an arm around him, half-carrying him to the bath.
Zoro doesn't seem to mind Sanji getting there first. He's half zoned out, holding up a showerhead vaguely aimed at himself.
Usopp settles Sanji, makes sure he isn't going to drown the second he turns his back and then nods.
"Right," he says, "I think my work here is done. Remember, make sure the other person doesn't pass out! And if you both pass out at the same time…." He pauses in the doorway, thinking "Uh…make sure one of you falls against the door so I'll know to come and rescue you."
Sanji gives a thumbs up and Zoro grunts, so Usopp figures they're good to go and closes the door behind him.
Ten minutes later he's sitting outside the bathroom, playing thumb war with Luffy, which is honestly the most aggravating game to play with a rubber-man who can stretch his thumb anywhere. Luffy is less covered with crab goo, but also eager to bathe. He is happily unwounded save for minor scratches and seemed to have had the time of his life.
But since most of their potable water is seawater run through their desalination plant, he isn't allowed to bathe alone in case he gets too weak-limbed. None of their devil fruit users are allowed to actually.
Usopp loses their thirty-third thumb match and groans loudly. His groan is still not loud enough to cover the dull thump of something hitting the bathroom door.
Usopp's head whips around and he stares at the door in some mix of awe, horror and incredulity.
"They didn't!" He says, even as he knows they probably did. "They didn't!"
"Eh?" Luffy says, brow crinkling in confusion but he follows Usopp as he hurries over to the door.
Usopp yanks open the door and Sanji spills out, clearly unconscious.
"Oi! Sanji!" Luffy says, surprised and alarmed.
Usopp leaves the blonde to him and rushes over to the bath in time to stop Zoro's mouth and nose from slipping under.
He hauls him out of the bath, no small feat since Zoro weighs a fricking ton even when he isn't drenched and unconscious.
"What happened to them?" Luffy asks. He has Sanji in his arms.
"Concussions," Usopp grunts out. "Chopper put them to bathe together so that they could keep an eye on each other in case they passed out."
"But they both passed out," Luffy says, sounding even more confused.
"That they did, Captain," Usopp sighs. "That they did."
What follows is a flurry of activity, getting both their unconscious packages to their bunks, dried off and seen to by Chopper. The small doctor, upon receiving the news, had pressed his hooves to his forehead and turned and screamed into a pillow before donning his professional mein and hurrying over to his two most recalcitrant patients.
All in all, it took another hour before Usopp and Luffy finally got their bath and by that time he was cranky and hungry and ready to spit nails if he could.
He wouldn't give up any of this for the world though.
I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think!