It's been a long time since I've done anything related to Harry Potter hasn't it
This is an idea I came up about hour before I'm writing it this authors note with and I thought it would be funny so I'm going to do it
Here are the usual disclaimers
# 1 I'm not JK Rowling and I'm not Warner Bros this means I don't own the Harry Potter series locations or characters
# 2 Due to how my brain is wired I don't register punctuation there won't be any in this story if this is a problem for you please feel free to read another story
Enjoy the story everyone
The Best Revenge
Vernon Dursely used to have a normal life thank you very much
He had a perfectly normal career at Grunnings a perfectly normal home at Number 4 Privet Drive a perfectly normal wife Petunia and a perfectly normal son
But than that girl had been left on his doorstep with the milk and Vernons once perfectly normal life had been destroyed year by year when she turned 11 and went to that freak school like her parents
His son had been cursed with a pig tail that Vernon had to have surgically removed his sister had been inflated like a balloon his and Petunias life had been put in danger by more of those freaks who had wanted to kill him because he was related to the girl
When they couldn't find her the freaks destroyed his home on Privet Drive he'd lost his job at Grunnings because he had to spend a year in hiding from those mask wearing freaks trying to kill him
His only son and heir never speaking to Vernon having not seen his son in years not that Vernon wanted to after he married a woman from the girls world
Where had he gone wrong with that boy
Vernon had raised him good and proper he should have married a perfectly normal woman who would have birthed Vernon and Petunia perfectly normal grandchildren
Now here he and Petunia were living in a one bedroom apartment half the size of his living room in his old Privet Drive home having to spend his days working in a grocery store to pay his rent
Yes Vernon had a perfectly normal life
And it all went downhill once that girl Hazel Potter had been dropped on his doorstep
Vernon was pulled out of his musings when his telephone rang Petunia answered it before he could wonder who would bother calling them here
"Petunia Dursley speaking" she answered Vernon watched with a touch of concern as Petunias eyes widened "yes yes of course it'll be an honor to attend yes of course of course goodbye" Petunia rushed over to Vernon "oh Vernon our prayers have been answered"
"What do you mean Petunia" Vernon asked "who was that on the phone"
"It was a member of the Queens staff Vernon her majesty herself has heard about our situation and what's become of our lives because of the girl"
"Her majesty knows about those freaks" Vernon asked incredulously "but why hasn't she wiped those freaks off the face of the earth"
"I have no idea but she has extended a personal invitation to us to attend Prince Williams wedding so we can discuss it in person" Petunia explained "oh Vernon we can have our lives back perhaps her majesty can help us with Dudley that woman he's married to must have enchanted him her majesty can get him back to us"
Of course why hadn't Vernon thought of that before
That's why Dudley would even think of marrying one of those freaks
"But why would she want to speak with it at the princes wedding" Vernon asked
"It's obvious darling the perfect cover none of those freaks would ever think someone was talking about them at the princes wedding the freaks all believe that they're better than the queen because she doesn't have their freakishness" Petunia explained
That made all the sense in the world Vernon was already imagining himself and his wife living among high society with their son back and married to a normal girl thanks to her majesty
For the first time in years Vernon grinned
When the date of the wedding arrived Vernon and Petunia were dressed in the finest suit and gown that they could afford
Vernon had quit that awful job at the grocery store and told the landlord of the shack of an apartment they'd been living in that they were leaving and were never coming back before leaving in the car that her majesty had sent for them
Arriving at Westminster Abbey the Dursleys entered the church
An usher escorting them to their seats "when can we speak with Her Majesty" Petunia demanded to know Vernon nodding in agreement with his wife the sooner the Queen could help them rescue their son from that freak who'd ensnared him the better
"Her majesty will speak to you after the ceremony no later than that" the usher answered showing them to their seats once seated Vernon looked around seeing the various diplomats aristocrats and a curious number of soldiers in army dress uniforms all of them Vernon noticed had a medal engraved with the letters DA
Vernon not being a military man didn't know or particularly care what the letters meant in his opinion the military was a career meant for bums who couldn't contribute to society in a meaningful way
Why so many of them were here at the princes wedding was beyond Vernon
Vernon watched bored as the ceremony began dozing off through most of the pomp and circumstance the only reason he hadn't completely drifted off was because he and Petunia were going to meet Her Majesty afterwards
The was going to make his and Petunias life the way it was before that freak had been dropped on his doorstep in the middle of the night like the garbage that she was
If Vernon had known what he did now he would have dropped that girl off at an orphanage and never thought about her again
Finally the ceremony was beginning Vernon looked up at the altar to see Prince William standing there waiting for his bride besides him was Prince Harry as the best man a soldier with one of those DA medals and a ruby encrusted sword on his belt and scars on his face
After the scarred soldier the last groomsman shocked him if not for the fact he'd make a scene he'd demand to know what was going on
And why his son was standing at the altar in an three piece armani suit that was worth more than anything Vernon had ever owned as a groomsman at Prince Williams wedding
Before Vernon could find someone and demand an explanation the bridal march began to play and all the guests stood turning towards the door as the bride entered the abbey
Vernons eyes widened in shock as he recognized her instantly
The raven black hair braided with diamonds and pearls covered by a transparent bridal veil the emerald green eyes the same as her mothers and grandmothers and the blasted lightning bolt shaped scar on her forehead that had faded in the time simce he last saw her when she was seventeen
What was Hazel Potter doing in a wedding dress at Prince Williams wedding
The girl had the nerve to mockingly smile at him as she passed on the arm of gangly freckled face ginger in the army uniform with the same DA medal
Vernon recognized him he was the girls freaky friend who broke the girl out with that freaky flying car
No
Oh god no
This was a nightmare a horrible nightmare worse than death
He was at a wedding filled with freaks
The freak was marrying into the royal family
Even worse than that
THE FREAK WOULD ONE DAY BE QUEEN OF ENGLAND
No that shouldn't be possible Vernon couldn't believe it this had to be a nightmare Vernon fainted on the spot
Vernon awoke in a hospital bed his head hurting how had he gotten here the last thing he remembered
Vernon shook his head no that had to be a dream there was no way that could have happened there was no way that horrid nightmare could have possibly happened there's no way that the freak had married into the royal family
"It's good to see that you have recovered Mr. Dursley" an elderly voice said Vernon turned to see the Queen sitting in a chair besides his bed Prince Phillip there as well
It happened it actually happened his nightmare was real
He had to stop this
"Your majesty you have to annul the marriage at once your grandson no all of the Commonwealth is in terrible danger that girl my niece she's a-"
"A witch" the Queen interrupted
"Yes I'm well aware of young Hazels gifts I'm also aware of how she was treated in your care starved in a cupboard worked like a slave imprisoned in a bedroom all because of your hatred for that which isn't normal and your wife's bitterness jealously that her younger sister could study magic when she could not"
"That's not true" Petunia denied "I would never want to be one of those freaks"
"Misses Dursley you are a terrible liar" Prince Phillip said coldly "and you Mr. Dursley are a hateful bigot"
"Quite right Phillip" the queen agreed with her husband standing up "be lucky and know for the only reason you are not enroute to prison is because your niece said it'd be a much crueler fate to leave you where you were in your less than 'perfectly normal life'" the Queen sneered briefly as she placed her arm through the crook of Prince Phillips
No this couldn't be this shouldn't be possible the Queen should be on their side they were normal people they were real people her majesties taxpaying citizens unlike those freaks
The Queen couldn't do this to them
"George Herbert said that living well is the best revenge" the Queen said "I find that my granddaughter in law is wholeheartedly correct"
"Quite right dear" Prince Phillip agreed "the best of luck convincing your landlord and employer to take you back Mr. Dursely"
Vernon yelled slamming his flabby fist against the bedside railing his wife screeching about the indignity of it all while the telly played footage of Prince William arm in arm with the freak waving from the balcony of Buckingham palace
This turned out longer than I thought it would
So in case it was obvious Fem Harry married Phillip
Dudley reconciled with Hazel and married a witch
Vernon and Petunia have to spend the rest of their lives knowing they aren't in prison because their niece the princess is showing them more mercy than they deserve
Not that they'll ever admit that they'll go to the grave thinking everything wrong with their 'perfectly normal lives' was because of 'the freak'
I have one more idea for a Harry Potter one shot involving the Royal family
No it isn't a Prince Harry/Fem Harry story
Tell me if you want to see it
Until next time
Nitwit blubber oddment tweak