* August 20, 2009 *
Armsmaster had already scanned the tapes and put them into digital form, it was just a matter of analyzing/watching them for the intel.
"Dragon, I'm starting," said Armsmaster as he clicked a button.
The first commercial was for a playset.
"Mouse Protector has a Mousecave Playset?" asked Dragon as she watched the commercial play out.
"She must never learn of this," cautioned Armsmaster.
"Oh, it's the Arm Signal!" declared the little girl in the commercial. "Will Miss Militia or Dragon accompany him?"
"Miss Militia, the Militia Tank, Armscycle, Armsmaster with Spinning Halberd Action, and Tech Action Dragon all sold separately," said the voiceover. "Armsmaster with Spinning Halberd not available in all areas."
Brief silence before Dragon spoke. "I want to see 'Tech Action Dragon' - it's not in the commercial?"
"No," said Armsmaster. "Nor do I have a Spinning Halberd Action."
"I want one of those too," admitted Dragon.
The next commercial came on.
"If Mouse Protector learns she has a Happy Meal with cheese bread and a Lego figurine, she will be bouncing off walls." Armsmaster was momentarily quiet. "More so than usual."
"Not a great deal of nutritional value despite the attempt to make it healthier with apple slices."
The next commercial came on.
"Ah, Hostess Twinkies."
"If only villains could be defeated by throwing Twinkies at them, the world would be a simpler place."
Armsmaster was silent for a few moments as the commercial played out.
"Who was that villain anyway? It looked a bit like Kaiser."
"From what I was able to see earlier, it appears the main villain for seasonal arcs is Coil acting as Cobra Commander to the four being GI Joe. The four catgirls themselves seem to be a distant version of the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' with elements of a magical girl series and 'Thundercats' all merged together. Other villains that they face regularly are Druglord Despot, Nazi Knight - who was just defeated by his love for Twinkies in that commercial, the forces of the Asian Sinister Society, and several women from the Neighborhood Aggression Group that attempts to close their favorite noodle shop."
"NAG and ASS?" asked Dragon.
"Yes, it appears they snuck that past the censors," stated Armsmaster as the opening animation played out.
"Episode 1 is not an origin story?" asked Dragon as Coil was shown addressing his mercenaries for this week's Sinister Plan, which was to begin acquiring a supervillain team he could use as disposable pawns.
"No, according to the episode listing they get into the team's origin in Episode 4," said Armsmaster.
"Ah, that must be the noodle shop," said Dragon after the scene change.
"Looks like a reused background, possibly from another series," mused Armsmaster.
"Colin. There's an actual noodle shop with that name in the Bay," said Dragon. "It opened two and a half weeks ago."
"It may be that the ninja convinced someone to open the shop just to have it," said Armsmaster. "I am still unclear as to whether this Betamax tape is from an alternate reality or a projection manifestation from this Lady Kage."
"I've been analyzing videos of the catgirl team, and their specialties," said Dragon as the scene played out with Meowmoto striking a Dramatic Pose and giving a Corny-but-Heartfelt Speech.
"Meowmoto is listed as the ninjutsu specialist, utilizing 'ninja magic' elemental projection techniques. Specifically water and wind elements," stated Armsmaster, who HAD seen some of the episodes previously. "Goemon has an anomalous sword that can 'cut through anything' but doesn't leave physical wounds on living tissue. Also is the most skilled in unarmed close quarter combat. Sarutobi is a Tinker specializing in spycraft mechanisms and the most normal of the group. Hanzo's speciality is illusions, misdirection, and sleight-of-hand."
The two watched the rest of the episode in silence.
"PHO is already arguing about them," noted Dragon. "Two boards ended up getting shut down."
"I'm surprised it was only two boards," noted Armsmaster.
"Void Cowboy has been quite subdued regarding them as they apparently know who he is and where he lives, and they have indicated where the lines he shouldn't cross are," added Dragon. "Many similar individuals apparently have taken this lesson to heart."
"They're ninja, of course they're sneaky and prone to violence," said Armsmaster. "One reason we want to get them and this 'Lady Kage' into the Wards."
"Colin, the you in the video just said basically the same thing," pointed out Dragon. "In 78 episodes were you ever successful?"
"I watched the last episode, and no, but that's a TV series and not reality," stated Armsmaster.
"Please tell me you don't shake your fist at the heavens vowing to get them into the Wards next week," pleaded Dragon.
"No, that appears to be reserved entirely for the villains," said Armsmaster. "From what little I've seen, the attempts usually end up with me just giving a recruitment speech only to find out they've already left."
"Ah, I see," said Dragon whose on-screen avatar immediately perked up on seeing a power armor in the background of a scene. "Oh. That's interesting. Fold-out wings. Modular hook-ups for specific tasks. Interesting. Hmmm."
"In the last episode you field something called the Love & Beauty Cannon, which as near as I could tell was a rail gun that utilized something like a shotgun version of a railgun."
"'Love & Beauty Cannon'?" asked Dragon. "I suppose that would be more marketable in toy sales than something more descriptive."
"I found it interesting that they used a paper-wrapped ceramic casing on the ammunition in order to get around the problem of the rounds tearing up the barrel of the railgun." Armsmaster hmmmed as the closing animation with credit roll ended that particular episode. "As I recall, everyone else started calling it a 'Boom Gun' by the end of the episode."
"I'll do an automated analysis on the rest of the episodes in order to pull out useful data, as each episode is 20 minutes and there are 78 episodes, that's 1560 minutes which is 26 hours. That's a bit of a time sink." Dragon didn't mention she'd already begun going through the files.
* Meanwhile at Ninja Noodles *
"What books did you leave in the Empire's vehicles?" asked Taylor as she slurped her morning noodles. Today was Chestnut noodles in a mild sauce.
"Copies of Bass Reeves' biography," said Sarutobi as she wiped the counter.
"I'm not familiar with him," confessed Taylor.
"One of the toughest lawmen of the Old West," said Sarutobi. "Literally thousands of arrests, including his own son and his minister. Certified historical badass."
"Why haven't I heard of him?" asked Taylor.
"He was black and a freed slave, maybe?" asked Sarutobi, unsure of that herself. Badasses of History was a website she'd started and was extremely popular. Whether it was because she was narrating it and was a (self-admittedly) admittedly cute catgirl, or the subject was interesting? Well, why couldn't it be both?
"That would explain why you put his biography in the cars of the Empire," said Taylor.
The talking was put aside as a rather large man wearing a Hawaiian shirt walked up and took a seat. "Extra large. Thai noodles. Extra spicy. Oh, and a side of potstickers."
"Right away, Mister Kenta," said Sarutobi, leaning fully (and somewhat hammily) into the waitress role. She had a trip to make in an hour per Hanzo so avoiding complications was good.
* Medhall *
Okay, he'd finally gotten things under control.
The 'Badasses of History' website was obviously put there by someone who did not have the best interests of the Empire in mind just due to the number of non-Aryans and their listed accomplishments.
Brad loved going through it whenever a new Badass was posted, because of the whole warrior-ideal thing he had going.
Heck, he'd caught the twins talking about which Badass accomplishment was their favorite.
He suspected the ninja catgirls because it was sneaky and underhanded and exactly the sort of thing he'd expect Sarutobi to come up with. Damn Tinker.
If he could figure out who their Lady Kage was - he could neutralize their threat. The "Lady Shadow" was their weak point after all, her only power had been to summon the four ninjas.
The phone rang and Max Anders picked it up, half-expecting to hear one of the catgirls wishing him a good day or something because they were cheerful damn ninja.
"Boss. Problem. Mouse Protector's in town."
"Probably due to the ninja," observed Max. "Keep tabs on her. She might figure out who the Lady Kage is."
"I still think it's that redheaded model kid. She's got the ojou-sama laugh and whip and all."
"We already have Emma Barnes under surveillance. If we get any solid evidence she's the one we'll just quietly explain why she needs to join us." Max set the phone down after the usual phrases were exchanged.
Sometimes he really wished he had a white cat he could stroke, it would probably do wonders for his blood pressure.
* Secure Room Theta, PRT ENE HQ *
* August 24, 2009 *
Director Piggot glanced up at Armsmaster, then Miss Militia. "Season 2 Ending?"
"Yes," said Armsmaster.
"Cliffhanger?" asked Director Piggot.
"Yes," agreed Armsmaster.
Director Piggot sighed and hit play on the file.
There was her, on the floor of her office, a spreading blood stain turning the dull gray tiles a bright red.
"I was arresting Calvert when one of the troopers with me turned out to be one of his," said the cartoon Emily Piggot.
"We know, and we've confirmed Calvert is Coil," said cartoon Armsmaster. "I'll call Panacea."
"No. I've always refused parahuman healing," said cartoon Piggot. "This is my choice."
"How about if it was ninja magic healing?" asked Meowmoto, stepping forward.
"There is no such thing as magic," stated cartoon Armsmaster.
"Why do you sound like Race Bannon?" asked Miss Militia of the Armsmaster that was not a cartoon.
"Credits at the end indicate that Mike Road is my voice actor, the same person who voiced Race Bannon in the Jonny Quest series," stated Armsmaster.
"Well," said the cartoon Meowmoto to the cartoon Armsmaster, "if it doesn't exist, she can't object to it, can she?"
"I refuse..." said cartoon Piggot before she passed out.
"She refused," said cartoon Armsmaster.
"I take it the next clip is the beginning of Season 3?" asked Director Piggot.
"Yes, Director," said Armsmaster.
Director Piggot pressed play and the new clip started.
"I refuse..." said cartoon Piggot before she passed out.
"She refused," said cartoon Armsmaster.
"Ah, but what did she refuse?" asked cartoon Meowmoto.
"Parahuman healing," said cartoon Armsmaster, his tone indicating this was obvious.
"Ah, but would it terribly out of character for her last words to be that she refused to let Thomas Calvert win?" asked Meowmoto in the episode.
Cartoon Armsmaster held up a hand, clearly ready to object, thought about it, and lowered that hand. "Not with complete certainty, no."
"But... nevermind," said cartoon Miss Militia.
"This is gonna be gouda," said cartoon Mouse Protector, her voice sufficiently close that Miss Militia immediately checked the room to make sure the real Mouse Protector hadn't somehow wandered in.
Meowmoto threw little strips of paper into the air, which behaved in an anomalous manner by moving to points equidistant centered on Director Piggot.
"That's not necessary for parahuman powers," began cartoon Armsmaster.
In the video, Meowmoto's hands blurred as she made several hand-signs before stopping on one. "Ninja Magic: Battlefield Technique! Quick Fix! Enhanced!"
The real Director Piggot stopped the video in order to look at Armsmaster. "Does Meowmoto have a healing technique?"
The real Armsmaster fidgeted. Miss Militia decided to speak up. "Apparently Meowmoto has stated she has over one hundred special 'ninja magic' techniques. Most appear to involve elemental projection, but a few of them involve those strips of paper."
"These abilities make absolutely no sense and do not fit what we know of parahuman abilities," grumped the real Armsmaster.
Director Piggot frowned a little as she restarted the video.
The on-screen Director Piggot was engulfed in white light and when it faded, the cartoon Director Piggot groaned and sat up. The video was paused again.
"What. The. Hell." Director Piggot pointed at the screen with her cartoon self. "I haven't looked like that since..."
"Before Ellisburg?" asked Miss Militia. "It IS a cartoon after all. I suspect that your action figure sales would have been a consideration."
Director Piggot looked at the cartoon version of herself, frowning at the depiction of herself. "I see." She restarted the video.
The cartoon Piggot was very unhappy about this, despite having come back from a near-death experience, and told Meowmoto to leave the building and that there would be consequences from this.
"Oh come on, I'm not THAT much of a bitch," grumped Director Piggot.
Several people in the room went still, two of whom visibly bit their lips.
Cartoon Piggot then ordered someone to bring her some weapons and armor because if she was going to be forced to be healthy, then she was going to field-test it by hunting down one Thomas Calvert.
Scene cut to Coil stopping in mid-speech to shudder as if somehow sensing a looming Doom.
Director Piggot watched the video clip end, as she frowned thoughtfully. "There is no evidence that Meowmoto has this specific ability in real life?"
"She hasn't used it to date," admitted Armsmaster.
"I see," said Director Piggot. "No point in forbidding such a thing if it is just something made up to resolve a cliffhanger ending. It could just be bad writing. Children's series after all."
Armsmaster tapped a few times on his tablet before finally speaking. "There is one other thing to bring up. There were two crossover plotlines where the catgirl ninjas interacted with individuals from different series. One, as I mentioned earlier, was the Samurai Dragons. Which appears to be a fusion of Aleph series much as the Ninja Catgirls. In this case, Yoroiden Samurai Torupa or Legendary Armor Samurai Troopers with Bravestar and a similar format to the Catgirl series. There was another series however."
"Is it something I'd want in my city?" asked Director Piggot.
"Probably not," admitted Armsmaster. "Unless facing an Endbringer or End-of-World scenario."
Director Piggot sat back in her chair, wincing for a moment at a pain flare-up, before making a get-on-with-it gesture.
"It was another series that seems to come from numerous sources in our reality but was a single franchise in this purported other reality," said Armsmaster.
"That you keep stalling is greatly annoying," stated Director Piggot. "Just say it."
"Keep in mind that the series 'Teenage Magic Ninja Catgirls' went from 1983 to 1986 according to the onscreen data. That said, some of the things seen as source material that we traced down as Aleph series were into the 2000s so it isn't entirely matching up," said Armsmaster. "In the case of the crossovers with both 'Dragon Samurai Troopers' and 'Azure Fleet Maidens' they also run anywhere from the mid-60s to the early 21st century."
"'Azure Fleet Maidens'?" asked Director Piggot.
Armsmaster nodded. "In the case of that series, it appears to involve a fusion effect with series called 'KanColle' or 'Kantai Collection', 'Sailor Moon', and the series 'Transformers' which... are you alright, Director?"
"I'm familiar with 'Transformers'," said Director Piggot. "'More than meets the eye, robots in disguise' - so these are transforming robots?"
"Living warships," said Armsmaster. "The crossover episode with them involved Bolo, Enterprise, and Arcee."
"Well, at least THEY aren't roaming around my city," said Director Piggot.
Silence.
"You're not going to tell me we have magical ship girls in my city, are you?"
Silence.
Armsmaster fidgeted and said four words that failed to reassure the Director. "Not yet at least."
* Dragon *
Dragon, completely on the other hand, was immensely pleased with what she'd seen. The crossover with 'Azure Fleet Maidens' involved Artificial Sapients. Not just AI, fully sapient fleshed-out characters. Heroic Artificial Sapients! Who, if the commercials at the end of the video could be believed, had action figures. Also something called 'figma' and a videogame and FANS.
Compared to the attitude of people like the Dragonslayers and the general public of Earth Bet with their Terminators fears the idea of a world out there which was actually welcoming of the whole idea of artificial persons?
If that world could be found was it possible to emigrate?
* Dragonslayers *
"What the hell is it doing now?"
"Daydreaming about a world where she is accepted if I'm reading this right."
"If it's gone insane I should probably push the button now."
"Yeah, if it's confusing a cartoon with reality, that's pretty much a red flag. Do it."
Saint flipped the cover up, and brought his thumb down on the button. Too bad they'd miss out on further technological developments but the future of humanity came first.
"Ah ah ah!" said a little sprite of a catgirl popping up on the screen.
"That not supposed to happen," stated Dobrynja.
Saint brought his thumb down on the red button several times.
"Ah ah ah!" continued the little cartoon catgirl, waggling a finger at them as if they'd been naughty. "This laptop will self destruct in twenty seconds."
Saint punched the button twice more, then started checking out the laptop for signs of tampering.
The little animated catgirl disappeared and a countdown starting with "15" appeared.
"I gots bad feeling about this," confessed Dobrynja, edging towards the door.
"It's a bluff. It's got to be," said Saint. "Wait. This isn't even the right laptop. There was a scratch on the case over here. Someone switched them out, but the real one has to be around here somewhere."
"Two, one. Time's up!"
* Nearby *
Shinobu Sarutobi looked up from where she was checking out the laptop, spotting the plume of smoke that marked the Dragonslayer base.
People forgot that not only were they ninja, therefore stealth and covert operations specialists, they were magic ninja. Meaning that all of them had basic or better ninjutsu techniques to allow them enhanced combat and infiltration options.
Yes, she was the gadget specialist. Spycraft, she thought that bearded guy called it. Tinker, in the terms that were in use in this world. That was her place in the team, her focus in cleverness. For three years that TV series had documented their adventures but had been cancelled due to flagging toy sales and wrapping up their real life exploits. The various groups that complained about representation in the villains had been a contributing factor.
After all, they'd dealt with the active threats. Nazi Knight followed by Captain Nazi, Druglord Despot and his crew, Coil (their main villain) and his team the Travails including the rampaging monster that had been part of the third season two-episode finale, and the Asian Sinister Society with their own magical villain types.
Honestly their worst recurring villains had been that Neighborhood Aggression Group because physically fighting them had never been an option.
In their own world, they'd retired from active heroing in the early 90s. Eventually NAG just gave up after the Noodle Shop had been bought out and converted to a McDonald's. Damn corporate types.
They'd stayed together but had gone different career tracks after that. She herself had gone on to college and gotten her degree in mechanical engineering. Meowmoto, their team leader and ninjutsu specialist had become an on-air personality and local news anchor. Goemon worked in the station cafeteria and Hanzo ended up becoming a meteorologist and doing the weather.
They'd been employed but missing the old days. Of fighting for a cause, hanging out, and being the Teenage Magic Ninja Catgirls! They'd used their disguise technique to hide the ears and tails and such, kept up the exercise and other routines, but that there had been something missing from their lives was undeniable.
Now, through Lady Kage's power, they were here. Once again they were vital, making a difference, saving lives and kicking butt. Not stuck in dead-end jobs with emergency coverage for other people. Not relegated to backstage.
Huh. Maybe they could talk Dragon into giving them a TV series. That'd be nice and it would help cover the bills.