Hello!
Recently, last month, I read the ACOTAR books and JUST now realized there were extra secret chapters?! Well after finally reading them I couldn't stop myself from wishing for things to happen, to get more information or simply get a bigger understanding of certain characters' way of thinking.

Speaking of, I DON'T OWN ANY ACOTAR CHARACTERS. I do love them though!

Well without further delay here is something that just came out of my brain tonight.

Sorry if it's not any good. It's been a LONG while since I've sat down to write!

Azriel

Stay away from her. Stay away from her. Is what Rhys had told him. Stay away from her. Didn't he realize it's what he has been doing all this time? Didn't his gifts let him see how tormented he was by making himself scared when she was around? Not because he didn't want to be with her but because it took everything in him to not reach out to her and hold her. Kiss her. Make love to her. And claim her.

Of course he didn't deserve to even think that way about her. She was too good. Too pure, for someone like him. Especially for someone like him. For someone like… no. She was too good for him. He already knew that.

Stay away from her. He heard his brother say it again. If I see you panting after her again, I'll make you regret it. He chuckled darkly as the wind brushed his face.

After his encounter with Gwyn he somehow had managed to sleep. Part of him wanted to say screw the snowball fight but he knew he couldn't. He wouldn't. After all, they were his family. He wasn't happy with what Rhys had said but part of him knew. Knew that his brother was right. Even though she hadn't rejected Lucian, they were still mates. That morning when he went to pick up his presents the sight of his gift to Elain cracked something inside him. And before he could give himself any time to dwell on it he put it in his pocket to keep it out of sight. His and anyone that could question where it came from and who it was for, had been for.

As much as he liked winning, his heart simply wasn't in it. He knew Rhys' notice, he had even tried to approach him to talk but Azriel didn't want to hear it. Not when he could still hear his words from the night before. Stay away from her. So he just Cassian led the conversations. He couldn't face Rhys not because he was mad but because he was right.

And he knew that no matter what he felt, what he wanted, he didn't deserve her. She had made it clear by returning the necklace that she wanted nothing to do with him. He couldn't blame her either. They had been so close. So devastatingly close, a cruel joke, to have her so close but not be able to touch her, taste her, have her. Had she realized that she was too good for him? Had she decided to give her Mate a chance? No… that wasn't it, he knew she wasn't interested in Lucian. Maybe she had seen him for who he finally was. A monster.

The thought of going back to return the necklace was like a stab at his wings. One he didn't want to fully face when he was already in such a dark mood. So he thought he'd give it to someone else. It wouldn't mean anything anyways. His first thought had been Gwyn, after last night it could be his thank you for getting him out of his own head if even for just a moment. It was better than returning it and admitting rejection.

Hours later he felt Rhys in his mind so he lowered his shield enough for his High Lord to communicate what he thought might be his next mission.

We need to talk. Rhys said. There was something different.

What's the next mission? I didn't feel like facing him yet, allowing him to see how it all still affected me. I didn't like showing that to was better that way.

It's not a mission.

Is Feyre ok? I asked. For him to be contacting me this late, I wonder if something had happened with her and the babe.

They are both fine. My office? He hardly ever asked, Yes we were brothers but he was also my High Lord, he didn't need to ask, just say, command it and it was done. For the most part.

I knew he wasn't done with last night's conversation. He'd allowed me time to calm down but that didn't mean I wanted to talk. And if it wasn't about the court…

I am teaching the priestess early tomorrow morning. I'll stop by after. I said. Unless it's urgent. My thoughts went to everyone. Had I missed something? My immediate thoughts had been Feyre with the babe. Was Elain alright? Was Mor?

Everyone is alright, safe. He must have picked up on my slight panic. I.. I need to speak to my brother.

There it was. I knew that was the real reason. But I wasn't ready. Not when I can still hear his command when I was alone. When I heard it all day during the snowball fight. When I had heard it seconds before right now. Stay away from her.

Sigh. Az lis.. He began

Tomorrow after training. I wasn't ready. And I wouldn't be ready by then either, but I could hope the pain would subside at least a bit by then. And knowing everyone was safe I closed my eyes as I closed the shield and slept.

I was back. Back in that damned cell. The darkness, the only constant company I kept. I reached for the cell but my hands..instantly the flames started devouring my small hands. I screamed but the pain only grew worse. I couldn't stop it. I was back, not watching reliving this night. Like many times before..

I screamed for help, for someone to help me. But I was always alone here…

Slowly the darkness started to take a different form. And then I heard it, I heard a voice, crying, begging. She was screaming, trying to fight back. But her small, fragile human body was nothing compared to the guards that pushed her in.

And she screamed, a scream so utterly terrifying, it pierced straight through. It shattered something inside my soul and at the same time, somehow, something began to build.

And through it all I couldn't do a damn thing. I watched her from the floor in a pool of my own blood as she was pushed inside. And the cauldron took her.

Finally as the cauldron turned and released her my heart shattered. Her beautiful face, that of a Goddess, from another world. She looked so broken, in a trance as if her mind was still held by the cauldron itself.

And I couldn't make my way to her, I couldn't go to make sure she was ok. But he did. He ran to her and took her. I felt it then, I could smell it, taste it and hated it immediately.

How could The Mother be so cruel? Was this some sort of sick joke? Was this how life will always be? What my life would always amount to?

All I could do was stare. Her body shaking, her big wide eyes, in shock. Slowly trying to process what had happened. When I felt the words roll out…

"You're my mate."

With a start I woke up, the sun barely peaking out as I sat up. Passing a hand through my hair, I pushed to get out but those words.. They still haunted me, even now.

"You're my mate."

All I've ever done was just that. Stay away from her. Since the moment I felt it. Sighing, I took myself to shower before training with the priestess started. My shadows moved around me as my dreams and thoughts merged into one.

Stay away from her.

Was I all over? Was it alright? Did anything make sense? These are all thoughts swirling around now as I realized I just wrote on the spot with no clear idea or direction or intention.

Hopefully it makes sense or speaks to someone. I feel I just needed to get this out.

Please let me know.. Thank You!