Serendipity
Chapter 21: Aware (Pity)
Time was funny. When everything had first happened, she had been hit with such overwhelming shock and emotion that she thought she could never get over, but as the weeks rolled by she found she was able to get on with life.
By now, everyone had come to find out what had happened between them. The reactions had been varied, but one person who had stood out was Takeru's mother. It had been an unbearable conversation, Hikari neither knowing how to react when she apologised for her son's actions nor when she made some comment about Takeru's mental state.
She tried not to think about it too much on account of not wanting to upset herself, but sometimes she wondered what the inside of his home must have been like in those early days.
Takeru, for what it was worth, had tried to keep his distance since their last interaction at the playground.
At first, he had continued to make attempts to keep some connection, making small talk here, asking a trivial question there, and one time even suggesting to grab a coffee because he was passing by Odaiba. She would either not reply at all or only once the timing had passed, as if she hadn't noticed him for days.
After a while, he seemed to have gotten the message and stopped contacting her all together.
She looked back at their messages every once in a while, and secretly there were times she wished he'd send her another one. It wasn't so she could reply in a timely and friendly manner. Selfishly, she merely wondered whether she was still on his mind.
Despite not wanting him back in her life, she was curious. From desperate pleas to complete silence, Takeru's communication had changed but what of him in general?
She would get the chance to see for herself tonight.
Mimi was throwing a party and had asked Hikari in advance whether it was okay for her to invite Takeru. She had invited Yamato out of courtesy with the expectation that he'd decline as he always did, but he had surprised her by accepting. With Yamato going, she couldn't not invite Takeru.
Hikari had of course told her it was no problem and that Mimi shouldn't have even felt the need to ask for her permission, but she admitted to herself that it made her want to go less.
She had to though, because it was Mimi.
Hikari liked to be put together, but she wasn't one to spend too much time getting ready. Knowing Takeru was potentially going to stop by, however, she was putting in extra effort. She decided to wear the black lace dress that Mimi had once bought her, and as she examined herself in the mirror, she thought again that black really wasn't her colour.
Miyako made a big commotion about her outfit, which Hikari tried to play off, using the excuse that she was actually wearing it because it had been a gift from Mimi and therefore needed to be worn in front of her to show her gratitude.
Miyako likely saw right through her but didn't call her out on it, instead insisting that she needed to style Hikari's hair. She had recently chosen to grow it out but at the moment was still on the shorter side, so she let Miyako have free reign while she did her best to curl and coat her eyelashes, remembering that Catherine's seemed to have extended for a mile.
Miyako was a good friend, and knowing that Hikari was potentially going to be in an uncomfortable position had invited Ken and Daisuke to meet them so they could enter as a group of four.
Daisuke looked depressed from the moment they saw him.
"My girlfriend broke up with me," he announced sullenly.
Hikari gasped in shock, but Miyako and Ken appeared less sympathetic.
"You guys always break up," Ken reminded him. "I'm sure you'll be back together in a few days."
"This time she meant it," Daisuke bemoaned.
"Don't be sad," Miyako said to him with half-interest. "Your date tonight is Hikari! It's your school dream come true!"
Daisuke scowled. "I'm not as stupid as you think, you know. You're trying to use me as a replacement for Takeru. This is my school nightmare come true." He caught Hikari's eye who was looking at him with distress, and suddenly added, "I'm just kidding. It really is my school dream come true. You can use me, Hikari. You look really pretty by the way."
"Eyes on her face, Daisuke!" Miyako yelled at him.
"I wasn't looking anywhere but her face!" he shot back.
Ken appeared next to Hikari. "In her own way, she's trying to make him feel better."
Hikari winced, wondering if she should ask what happened but at the same time feeling like it wasn't any of her business.
Ken shook his head. "Waste of his time." Then, as if regretting his words, quickly added, "He'll be fine."
Her eyes went straight to him.
He wasn't even standing in her immediate line of sight—rather standing inconspicuously in a corner—but as soon as she entered Mimi's home, she saw Takeru and Yamato talking to each other.
They hadn't noticed her, and she also pretended not to have seen them, but she knew it was inevitable because Mimi and Miyako greeted each other so loudly that it was impossible not to have caught either of their attention.
Hikari fought the temptation to check whether he had noticed her and instead focused on Mimi. She reminded herself over and over to act natural.
"You two look fabulous!" Mimi exclaimed, taking a step back to examine Miyako's and Hikari's outfits. "Hikari, I told you everyone looks good in black!"
Mimi was someone who always made sure she looked her best and dressed to the nines no matter where she was. Even in her own home, she wore a silky, ruffled gown that Hikari was amazed anyone could wear in public, and she even had a floral crown on her head. Hikari had thought she was overdressed but no longer felt that way after seeing Mimi.
"Do you want me to introduce you to anyone, or is Daisuke your date?" Mimi asked, louder than her usual voice.
"I'm not her date," Daisuke muttered.
Mimi laughed loudly. "Are you two daaaating?"
"Daisuke and Hikari dating?!" Miyako echoed shrilly. "That'd be cute, especially now that you're single, Daisuke!"
"Can you stop?" Daisuke hissed, and Hikari realised they were purposely making a scene.
Miyako, who had so many negative words for Takeru, was guaranteed to have shared those same thoughts with Mimi. Hikari didn't dare look in his direction.
Michael appeared to them. "Mimi, you're shouting. My boss is over there. Do you want to say hello?"
Mimi giggled and dismissed herself to do her rounds with the other guests. Unlike herself, who kept a small circle of friends, Mimi had various, extensive social groups, and there were many people who Hikari didn't recognise.
She watched Mimi and Michael walk away with an almighty air that made them look picture perfect gods. They were perfect, Hikari thought.
She spotted her other friends. Sora and Koshiro were with her brother by the drinks. Joe, his fiancée, Iori, and his girlfriend were by the snacks. She avoided looking at the spot where she knew Takeru and Yamato stood, but she knew they were still there because she could overhear two of Mimi's friends discussing whether they should approach the two attractive blond guys in the corner.
She wanted to tell them to not bother—that one was a liar and the other an enabler—but instead she hovered nearer to them, curious at what they'd do. She imagined Takeru's reaction if they were to go talk to him. She thought he wouldn't dare speak to them in front of her, but what did she know?
She was now staring at the two girls and thinking about how much prettier they were than her. One noticed her and smiled awkwardly, and Hikari smiled sheepishly back before running away. Ken and Miyako had joined Joe and Iori, so she joined Daisuke with Taichi, Sora, and Koshiro.
Taichi, who had seemed in a relatively good mood, darkened once he saw her. She hadn't actually had a conversation with her brother about what had happened—they didn't talk about stuff like that—but it seemed it was still a sore spot on his mind too.
"I actually can't believe they had the nerve to show up. Shameless really," Taichi growled, blatantly glowering over at Yamato and Takeru.
Sora pulled him by the sleeve. "Don't make a scene."
"Can you back off? I'm literally just standing here," he shot back.
Taichi, who usually talked back to Sora with more playfulness than annoyance, glared at her in a way that seemed to surprise even her.
"Don't ruin my party," came Mimi's sharp voice, slicing through the tension.
While Mimi at first did little to subdue Taichi's aggression, she glared at him pointedly until he finally mumbled in defeat, "Thank you for gracing us with your presence."
"You're welcome. And don't ruin my party. I will quite literally kick you out and never speak to you again." She turned to Hikari with a bright smile on her face. "Hikari, one of Michael's friends asked me about you. Do you want me to introduce you?"
Mimi indicated toward someone, and Hikari turned just enough to make eye contact with a conventionally handsome man. His hair is also blond, darker than Takeru's and wavy. Looking somewhat shy, he flashed her a small smile and waved. Out of instinct, she looked away and instead saw that Takeru was staring at her from across the room. He also looked away, and she saw that those two girls from earlier had indeed approached them.
"I think I'm okay," she said to Mimi. "I just want to have fun with my friends."
"Boring," Mimi sang to her. "He's a really nice guy."
"She said no," Taichi butted in. "Why are you trying to set up my sister, when Sora here has been single for—ow!"
Taichi and Sora began arguing about nothing again. Hikari laughed along, but she stole another glance and saw Takeru and Yamato talking to those two strangers. Rather, it was Takeru who seemed to be the one engaged in the conversation. Of course he was. She felt her face grow hot with anger or jealousy.
"Just go on a date with my friend," Mimi murmured to her before prancing away.
Hikari was grateful that Mimi hadn't waited for an answer, because she didn't want to turn her down twice. Instead, she turned her attention to Daisuke, who had appeared depressed the entire night. She was sad for him. He had tried to cheer her up when she was down, so she wanted to do the same.
"Want to dance?" she asked him. Mimi had music blaring, and even though she didn't think of herself as a good dancer, she thought Daisuke might like it.
"I'm all right," he declined, though he forced a small laugh when she pulled on his arm away from Taichi and Sora, who were now getting rather heated.
"Dance with me," she tried again from the centre of the room.
She tried to dance alongside his immobile body. After a while, he made an attempt by swaying a little from side-to-side, but she could tell he was doing it more for her than actually wanting to do it.
"Let's get air," he said eventually, before leading her to Mimi's vast terrace. He breathed a sigh of relief as they stepped outside, even though he was usually the type of person who fit in perfectly with the party environment inside—far more than her.
She preferred the quietness of the outdoors and was admiring Mimi's outdoor décor when she heard Daisuke groan.
"Let's go back in," he mumbled.
The tone of his voice caught her attention, and she noticed for the first time that Takeru was also there, leaning out against the balcony behind one of Mimi's potted plants. Takeru looked visibly surprised upon seeing them too and alarmed Daisuke and Hikari both when he suddenly stumbled in his spot, his legs giving out.
"Jesus, watch it!" Daisuke yelled, running to him and pulling Takeru off the floor.
"T-thanks," Takeru stammered, trying to collect himself.
Hikari had stayed in her spot, though her heart had also skipped a beat watching him fall. She hadn't seen him since that day they were crying in the playground. At that time, his appearance had been diminished by distress, but he had still looked more or less the same. Now, she saw that he had actually changed physically.
Seeing him up close, she saw what she hadn't earlier. He had become thin. Perhaps too thin. He was wearing a shirt she had seen him wear before, but it was now an awkward fit, the fabric sagging from his shoulders and loose against his frame. His skin looked sallow, his cheeks sunken in, the whites of his eyes more yellow with lethargy, highlighting the dark circles underneath. Everything about him seemed to have lost its lustre.
Takeru, once handsome, now looked like he was withering away.
An inevitable part of her was shocked and upset to see him like this, but it was overpowered by the other part. Seeing him again, she realised she was still mad at him.
"Hi Hikari," he greeted awkwardly.
Daisuke let go of his grip on him. "I'm going back inside. You two can talk it out between each other."
"We don't have anything to talk about," Hikari said pointedly. She moved forward to link arms with Daisuke so that he couldn't just leave, and she caught Takeru's eyes shift from their linked arms back to her. "I'm here with Daisuke."
It was so childish of her and unfair towards Daisuke, but she couldn't help it. Even worse, it didn't even seem to have any effect on Takeru, who appeared unmoved.
"Hikari, let's talk," he said.
Daisuke looked at her like he didn't know what he supposed to do. She felt terrible for using him when he was going through his own troubles, so she let go of his arm and told him to go inside.
Daisuke looked over once at Takeru, but Takeru didn't seem to have noticed Daisuke looking at him at all. Shaking his head, Daisuke left.
"How have you been?" he asked her once they were alone.
"Fine."
He seemed to wait for her to ask it back, but when she wouldn't, he asked, "How's work?"
"Fine."
He looked at her sadly. "Is speaking to me that difficult for you, Hikari?"
"It's not that it's difficult. It's that I don't want to. I don't want to give you the wrong idea."
"Believe me, you've been extremely clear," he said with a turn of his lips that he failed to maintain. "I can go."
Even when he was doing what he and she both thought she wanted, seeing him make the move to leave made her speak again to make him stay.
"How's Catherine?" she asked him, searching for a reaction in him that he didn't give.
He had stopped walking towards the door and looked at her void of emotion. "I don't talk to her anymore."
"I don't know why I asked you. I knew that's what you'd say, no matter what the truth is."
She knew she was being rude and didn't know why she felt the need to act that way. He was offering to go back inside and leave her alone, which is what she thought she wanted from him.
"I told you I'm content just being your friend."
"We aren't friends anymore, Takeru. We're not anything."
He stared at her and appeared to be at a loss for words before finally saying, "I understand."
He was driving her crazy. He seemed to be but a shell of a human being. In retrospect, this was how he was when he first came back too. Back then, she found him so mysterious, but now he just looked pathetic to her.
"Why are you pretending to be nice?" she asked, hearing her own poison. "Why are you the one looking at me with that face when you're the one who did this to yourself? Are you expecting me to feel sorry for you? "
He stood in silence as she unloaded on him, his eyes downcast to the ground. Perhaps because he wasn't looking at her, she couldn't waver based on his reaction. She felt it was the first time she had ever berated someone like this, her inner thoughts coming out unfiltered and inconsiderate of the other person's feelings.
Once she had finished, Takeru stood in the same stillness he had shown since she had started, taking a moment before finally saying,
"I don't know what to say other than to tell you how sorry I am."
She was horrified when her eyes started to well. She hadn't cried over him in a while, but this time it wasn't because of what he did. Rather, it was because she was overwhelmed by his lack of response and realising how mean she had just been to him. Her horrification stemmed from feeling sorry for him when she didn't think he actually deserve it.
He noticed her crying. His eyes watered too. "Hikari, I…"
He took a step towards her but then stopped, looking unsure of what to do. She also didn't know what to do. All she knew is that she didn't want to be in the situation anymore. She wanted to leave or for him to leave. She wanted to go back to five minutes ago, when he had offered to do just that, or to earlier in the night, when she had been too far away to see what he actually looked like up close.
She heard the terrace door open and a moment later saw her brother in front of her. He took one look at her, and before she knew it, he had given Takeru a shove so hard that he almost fell on the ground, grabbing Mimi's outdoor bush out of instinct to stop his fall.
"What's going on?" Taichi asked both of them with an aggression that scared Hikari.
Takeru had scowled the moment Taichi had put a hand on him, a reaction that had not been missed by either sibling.
"Are you glaring at me?" Taichi asked dangerously. "You're lucky that's all I did."
Takeru didn't reply and merely looked down, his hands balled into fists at his side.
It took Hikari another moment to recover from her shock and realise what was about to happen. She belatedly held onto her brother's arm, hoping that was enough to tell him to stop. She could feel that his arm was flexed, which she hoped meant he was already trying to stop himself too.
"I've already said this to you once, so I'm not really sure why I'm having to repeat myself, but this is the last time I'm going to say this nicely. Stay away from Hikari. She doesn't want to talk to you."
Takeru still hadn't moved, and she felt strange.
Regardless of everything, he hadn't actively tried to seek her out. He had just been there. She tried to explain this to her brother, but he was dismissive.
"I don't want to hear it," Taichi said, interrupting her mid-explanation. His eyes never left Takeru. "If you cared about her at all, you'd leave her alone."
Takeru finally looked up. His expression had betrayed his self-control again, but this time she saw a look on his face that she hadn't seen in a decade. The moonlight concealed the colour, but his features scrunched together despite his best efforts, and he looked at Taichi with a look he had never reserved for her.
He appeared positively livid.
"I will. I'm sorry," Takeru said obediently, and Hikari was surprised by the calmness of his voice compared to the anger flaring in his eyes.
Avoiding her gaze, he left the terrace.
"For fuck's sake," Taichi growled. "I can't deal with this."
She looked pleadingly at him. "But he wasn't doing anything. He was here first, and then Daisuke and I came in—"
"I said I don't want to hear it," he interrupted again. "I really don't care about the circumstance, and it doesn't matter anyway. Don't defend him. He doesn't deserve it."
Taichi had always been the more confident sibling. He always spoke with such conviction and defiance that she had from a young age just believed everything he had told her. She was too passive to ever question him, even when she doubted his words—even when she knew he was wrong.
In this instance too, she felt like she couldn't say anything, even though she had been there and he hadn't. She felt tears approaching that rooted themselves in feeling so unheard, and surprisingly that made Taichi angry too.
He raised his voice at her.
"Why are you even giving him a chance to explain himself? You're standing in front of me, bawling your eyes out, but why are you crying at all over some guy?! Why would you let anyone make you feel this way?!"
She could usually compartmentalise that her brother often spoke from emotion, but she couldn't at this moment. She wondered why it was that he had even appeared. Had Daisuke told him that she was here with Takeru? If so, why couldn't he just talk to them normally? Takeru had probably not given him the reaction he had sought, and now she felt he was taking it out on her. He was still saying things. Something about whether she had any self-worth.
She was triggered.
"I'm crying because of you, not him!" she snapped, almost yelling. He looked taken aback by her outburst. "I'm the one who should hate him, not you. I don't need you to always fight my battles for me. I'm capable of standing up for myself without you insulting me!"
Taichi's face had changed from surprise to concern.
"Hikari, I wasn't trying to insult you. You know that isn't what I meant—"
"And I have self-worth," she said to him.
Her heart was racing from the adrenaline of talking back to her brother, but with that she left him alone on the terrace without he trying to follow her. She didn't care at the moment, her mind preoccupied.
Despite it all, she felt the need to find Takeru and apologise on behalf of Taichi, but once inside Sora told her that he and Yamato had just left. Sora asked her what had happened, but Hikari saw Taichi also coming back in—likely to join them. In a new setting, she suddenly felt bad for snapping at him but not wanting to deal with the situation at the moment, only thanked Sora and ran outdoors.
Mimi's apartment was located in its own separate complex, so there were no crowds to hide them. She found them easily, standing just outside the building but to the side. Yamato was looking at Takeru, who was staring into the distance. They hadn't noticed her, and while she meant to have a conversation instead of eavesdropping, she was stopped in her tracks when she heard that Yamato was in fact speaking to him.
"What did you expect?" Yamato asked, his tone reprimanding. "I'm surprised Taichi didn't punch you in the face. You have nobody to blame but yourself. You can at least understand that much, right?"
Takeru didn't offer any response, his body barely moving.
"I told you from the beginning not to do it. I told you you'd regret it, so why are you acting like you didn't know this would happen? What the hell were you actually thinking?! Did you even stop to think at all?!"
"Stop talking to me like I'm stupid," Takeru said, his voice dangerously low as he turned to glare at Yamato. Unlike how he was with Taichi, he didn't bother to hide his annoyance. "You're just repeating yourself, and I get it. You were right, and I was wrong, but I don't need this from you right now."
"Then what do you want? For me to feel sorry for you? Does that make any sense to you?"
Hikari again felt like she wasn't supposed to be listening. Yamato looked irritated.
"Look, I know I'm being the harsh older brother right now, but you need a wakeup call. It's over, Takeru. You need to get over it."
Takeru spoke like his face was frozen. "I can't. I've tried."
"Well, you need to try harder."
"I can't."
"Well, she definitely looked like she was over you. She came in with Daisuke."
"I've been trying not to think about that." Takeru sunk to the ground and buried his face in his hands, his tall frame shrivelling into a small mound on the floor.
"Well, think about it, so you can get over it."
Takeru didn't offer a response.
"None of them talked to me either, you know. Taichi isn't speaking to me at all, and do I even have to tell you how much Sora ripped me apart for colluding with you?"
"…I'm sorry to have inconvenienced your life," Takeru muttered, still crumpled on the ground.
Yamato sighed, more out of defeat than annoyance. "You know that isn't what I'm saying. I'm just saying this didn't only affect you, and no matter how sad you are, just imagine how Catherine and Hikari must feel."
"I know, okay?" Takeru snapped. He didn't look up, his position the same, but his voice was louder than usual, even when muffled. "I know I need to get over it. And I know I'm the one who messed up in the first place. And I know everyone in there hates me for it. I don't need you to reiterate to me what I already know. Instead of being the harsh older brother, can't you be an understanding one? That's what I need right now, even if you're just pretending."
Yamato didn't say anything. He didn't even put a hand on Takeru's back to comfort him, the way Taichi would do for her. Their dynamic was so different, though she supposed she and Takeru were the same in that they released their frustrations by yelling at their brothers. As she thought that, she saw Yamato finally placing a hand on Takeru's shoulder and squeezing.
"You're going to be fine," Yamato said to him, "but it's over, Takeru."
She watched as Takeru's entire back collapsed as he folded himself tighter, a sad sob escaping him before he tried to muffle it back in.
"Let's go home," Yamato said, pulling on Takeru's arm to try to make him get up, but Takeru wouldn't move. "Come on, get up. You're literally on the pavement. People are going to get the wrong idea."
Takeru was still unresponsive.
"I can also just leave you here," Yamato said.
It was followed by the same silence, neither moving for a minute before Takeru slowly got up, Yamato once again pulling on his arm to help him.
"I want to die," he said miserably.
"Stop saying that."
"But I do. Just kill me."
She couldn't really make out Yamato's face, but she could see him tense up in his body language. He looked almost angry.
"Stop saying you want to die," Yamato said sharply. "I mean it. I'm going to start to believe you."
"But I do mean it—"
Yamato gave him a firm shake, and she saw Takeru's body flail about. "Takeru. Please. This has to stop. You need to get your act together."
Takeru didn't reply, and Yamato gave him another shake from what looked like desperation. In some way, he looked just as lost as Takeru did.
"If you can't do it for me, can't you do it for Mum?"
Takeru looked limp, being held up only by Yamato's grip. "…But she hates me too."
This was not the dynamic she had expected from them. The longer she waited and the more she heard, the more she felt it inappropriate that she was even there, but in the end she stepped into their view.
Takeru saw her first, and their eyes met. His were wet and swollen. She wished she didn't feel sorry every time she saw him, but it felt impossible. Not only was it in her nature, but his round eyes made Takeru such a sad crier.
He cleared his throat and wiped away at his eyes, attempting to collect himself.
"Hi Hikari," he said with a hoarse tone, though the vulnerability when speaking to Yamato was gone.
"Hi," she greeted both of them.
Surprisingly, Yamato looked even more shocked. For coming across so aggressively in previous months, he now looked rather embarrassed to be in front of her. She saw the colour rise to his cheeks and ears, and he avoided her gaze. He seemed far more awkward than Takeru and herself, but she didn't draw attention to it.
"Did you leave because of my brother?"
"…"
She saw him flinch slightly, a flicker of emotion flashing across his face for a briefest of moments.
"Of course not," Takeru replied finally with a stretched smile. "My brother and I had already talked about getting something to eat. I understand where Taichi is coming from, so don't feel bad, Hikari."
Neither Yamato nor Takeru gave anything away in terms of his bogus lie. She wasn't saying anything either, which she came to realise was more uncomfortable for the two of them than it was for her.
"I… I didn't mean to imply that you should be feeling bad," Takeru stammered, correcting himself. He looked at her oddly, unsure of what to do.
Yamato broke the silence, taking him by his sleeve. "Let's go."
He gave Takeru a soft tug that made him stumble. It was the third time she saw him lose balance in one night. She watched in pity as he steadied himself with Yamato's help. He seemed as frail as a paper doll.
"Enjoy the rest of your night, Hikari," he said to her, and she noticed that he couldn't quite look her in the eye.
"Takeru," she said finally. "Are you free tomorrow? Can we talk?"
At first her request hadn't hit him, but once it did his face lit up in a way that was too obvious. "O-of course. I can do anytime. Or if you want, we can talk now—"
"No, thank you."
He looked like he regretted his words immediately but couldn't redeem himself, simply opening and closing his mouth like a fish for words he couldn't find.
"Mimi will be offended that her food wasn't enough," she said to him.
He looked confused, then gave a forced laugh as he remembered he had indeed said that. "We just wanted something more substantial than canapés."
She didn't have anything to say to that, and Yamato looked ready to walk away from the situation at any moment.
"Anyway, let's talk tomorrow. I'll message you."
"Oh! Yeah—yes. Yes. That works. Yes. Have a good night, Hikari. I like your dress."
He now looked at her with such hopefulness in his eyes. She was sorry to think that she didn't exactly know what she wanted to say to him. She had gone out to clear up a misunderstanding, not to request a conversation.
She hadn't forgiven him.
She hadn't forgotten what he had done either.
She still wanted him to atone, but after seeing him in such a pitiful state again—somehow even more pitiful than the last time they had met—she realised she did not in fact want him to lose all those around him.
When she had gone back inside, everyone was too on edge to ask her about what had happened outside. She supposed they were far too nervous about the sensitivity of the situation. Daisuke's panicked face told her that he had been the one to tell Taichi, and she had no words for him when he apologised for it later. This had scared even Miyako, who also didn't prod.
As for her brother, he had been very visibly upset. She could see how guilty he felt and that his intentions hadn't come from a bad place, but she hadn't been in the mood to sort that out either. When he extended a peace offering by asking to drive her home, she had declined. When he tried to apologise, she had just said it was fine in a way that Taichi knew meant was not fine.
Anyway, her mind had been preoccupied thinking about the next day—today.
She had woken up with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach and had considered not reaching out to him at all before her guilty conscience reminded her late afternoon that Takeru was likely waiting around for her.
Indeed, he replied to her message immediately, claiming he was available whenever she wanted. She offered to meet him for coffee, wanting to make a quick exit if needed, because part of her felt like she wasn't supposed to be doing this. She hadn't even told Miyako.
Takeru was already seated by the time she arrived and rose awkwardly when he saw her.
Again, she was surprised by his appearance. His face was too gaunt. His clothes too loose. Even his hair seemed brittle and dry. The bright, artificial light of the café was unforgiving; the shining youthful glow of Takeru Takaishi gone.
"Hikari," he said, as if she hadn't seen him. He appeared quite anxious, a far cry from how he usually was.
He had already ordered a white tea for her. To make him squirm, she was going to say she wanted something else, but actually he had gotten exactly what she was going to order and didn't want to waste it.
He had also gotten a slice of cake, which sat in front of her but was surely to be wasted.
"How have you been?" he asked cautiously, and she saw that he was so nervous he was trembling. His stress was so blatant that despite her general feelings towards him at the moment, a part of her wanted to give him some sort of reassurance and calm him down.
She reminded herself that this was his own doing, not hers, and that she shouldn't blame herself in any way.
"…Is there a reason you wanted to talk to me?" he tried again, and she realised she had been too busy staring to have actually answered him, thereby raising his anxiety further.
"Yes."
He looked like he was going to break. "What is it?"
She paused, unsure of how to phrase herself. She hadn't practised this part and now wished she had.
An evil part of her dared her to just nudge him over the edge. He was teetering so close. She could practically see it.
"To be clear, I will never, ever get back together with you."
Neither his facial expression nor body language changed.
"I…" he said more slowly than he usually spoke. "I wasn't trying… That wasn't what I…"
She spoke over him as if he hadn't spoken at all. "That being said, after everything we've gone through in the past, your friendship is something that is still meaningful to me."
She saw the same shudder from the night before, when he had shrivelled up into a ball at Yamato's words that had hit him too deep.
"What you did is unforgiveable to me, and I regret everything that happened in the past few months. I want more than anything to turn back the clock and erase everything, but despite that… at the end of the day… I don't want you to be unhappy."
She had faltered a bit at the end, having originally wanted to come across more aggressive, but Takeru's blinkless stare and parted lips had made it difficult for her.
"We can be friends again, Takeru."
She saw the exact moment he had processed her words.
Ever since Daisuke had pointed out Takeru's fake smiles, her mind had been flooded with memories of them. Not only in the past few months but back to when they were children. She felt like a failure of a friend for not having noticed them at the time, especially when Takeru seemed so often to have the ability to read her mind.
This one she didn't need help. This one wasn't fake.
He went from looking completely blank to letting out a nervous laugh. He seemed to try to hide his relief but was unable to do so, his dull complexion brightening as he practically beamed at her.
The fact that he took her words, which weren't that kind to begin with, with such gratitude made her feel bad. She now wished she had said been nicer about it.
"R-really?" he stuttered. "Hikari, thank you. Thank you! And I'm sorry. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but I just want you to know how genuinely sorry I am. I wish I can turn back the clock too. Hikari, if I could, I'd—"
"It's okay," she said more to stop him from rambling than actually meaning it. "Let's just move on."
He seemed slightly taken aback but nodded with vigour.
"Have you eaten yet?" he asked, changing the subject. "I haven't, so maybe we can go somewhere nearby. It'll be my treat—"
"I ate."
He laughed. This one was fake.
His elated state was dimming.
"Sorry," he said, looking down sheepishly. "You probably don't want to see like that yet… Obviously, you need time…"
He laughed again, as fake as the last.
The only thing more consistent than Takeru attempting to hide behind some feigned happiness was her inability to not care. Miyako said this was why people always walked all over her.
She reached for the menu at one end of the table.
"It's four in the afternoon," she said, putting it in front of him. "How have you not eaten yet?"
"I was only kidding. Of course I ate," he said with another laugh. "I just felt like I should treat you after you're being so generous to me."
"Lying must be second nature to you now," she said, opening the menu for him. She instantly regretted her words and was afraid to look at him for his reaction. "They have sandwiches here. At least have one of those. This cake is enough for me."
She pretended to be fixated on the cake, pulling it closer to her. Takeru too put out a hand to nudge it gently her direction too, his fingers bonier than she remembered. He then got out of his seat to get a sandwich, leaving her to remind herself to either be nice or be mean but not both. She was confusing him and herself.
"Ham and cheese," he said to her when he came back, sounding far cheerier than the atmosphere suggested was appropriate. "Do you want some?"
She shook her head, repeating to herself to watch her mouth.
She instead took a bite of her cake. She loved sweets, but she didn't have an appetite. She had just wanted to leave, if only Takeru hadn't made her feel bad for revealing that he hadn't eaten.
She didn't need him to tell her anyway. Without the help of him or Yamato or Sora, it was obvious. Takeru had pushed her to a point where she had exploded screaming in his face. She had probably pushed him to a point where she could no longer recognise the kind of person he was.
Takeru had always carried himself in such a calm, collected, yet happy manner. He was none of those things now.
"Is it not good?" he asked her, looking at her with concern that she thought he should save for himself.
"I'm just not hungry. I ate, remember?"
She looked at his sandwich, which she had seen him holding, yet he hadn't taken a single bite. As if realising she had noticed, he took a small nibble, chewed for far longer than necessary, and swallowed. Then, catching her still watching him, took another.
In the end, he struggled to finish even half and ended up asking the café to pack the rest of it to take home. She didn't like wasting food either, but it seemed like too much effort for a simple ham and cheese toastie. Takeru had never had the ravenous appetite of her brother, but he had never had trouble eating either.
She waited beside him at the counter and watched as Takeru made pleasant small talk with the worker as she packed up his sandwich, concealing his own problems perfectly while being attentive to her.
This suited him more.
As they left—Takeru promising the staff they'd be back—his smile faded.
"You're not going to come back," she accused. "You didn't even like the sandwich."
"I did like it," he said before handing the plastic bag to her. "This is for you."
She looked at it, not particularly wanting his half-eaten lunch or dinner or whatever it was to him.
"You look like you haven't been eating," he said.
"I lose my appetite when I'm stressed, so thank you for that."
She didn't know why. She had come here with the intent of making up but couldn't stop herself from making pointed comments. She felt bad, because while it was true that her appetite had dwindled, she was at the very least certain that she was eating more them him.
She took the bag from his hand.
"Thank you."
He smiled contently. "Thank you too. Nobody is more grateful than I am. You're extending a kindness I know I don't deserve."
She couldn't tell whether this could actually be considered kindness.
"I'm glad we're on good terms again," she said to him, making an actual attempt. She extended her arms out. "We can hug it out."
He looked at her as if searching for hints that she was toying with him. He laughed nervously. "Really?"
"Yes, this is what Mimi taught me Westerners do. Aren't you Western now?"
"Sure," he said, not really paying attention to her words.
He took a step to her and hugged her.
It wasn't like before. She was surprised by how much slighter his frame was, but more than that he was definitely holding back.
Yet, she was also instantly reminded of the scent of his familiar laundry detergent, how he always gave such great hugs, and despite not seeing them his beautiful eyes and kind smile. For once, instead of inspecting him under a new light and trying to think of all the times they had been forced, she was reminded of the countless genuine ones he had given throughout the years.
She hugged him back, squeezing tightly before remembering she wanted to keep a certain distance between them.
She let go.
This time when she looked at him, she didn't see Takeru for his diminished appearance or distressing behaviour. She saw him for everything he had always been to her prior.
She had been the one who had been so adamant with him, but she was scared that perhaps she was the one who needed the reminder more.
09 October 2023