Author's Note: TW: References to self-harm, mentions of self-harm, panic
Dialogue taken from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Hi, loves! Please enjoy this chapter! I appreciate you! You are loved!
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry returns to Hogwarts and his classes. He sees Dumbledore again. Harry and Remus have several therapy sessions.
Chapter Summary: Harry wants to talk to Dumbledore about Horcruxes. Harry faces Dumbledore for the first time since finding out about the prophecy. Harry receives some help from some ghosts. There's a diadem.
Harry continues to recover and grow mentally stronger. It takes time and lots and lots of therapy, but he does. He is still fragile, but not nearly as fragile as he was before. It was nearly a month after the incident that something said during a Marauders dinner over the weekend that shocked Remus and Sirius.
"I want to talk to Dumbledore."
Sirius nearly choked on his food and Remus coughed into his drink.
"Okay. That sounds good. What about?" Remus asked carefully.
"Horcruxes," Harry said with as much confidence as he could muster.
Sirius now stood up from the table and paced back and forth, no doubt biting his tongue.
"Harry, you're finally stabilizing on the medication. Why do you want to hunt for Horcruxes now?" Remus asked.
"No matter the state of my mental health, I will have to destroy them. I want- need- to do it now."
"Harry, you're finally able to be in the same room with Albus without having a panic attack but having a conversation with him is a whole other thing," Sirius said, finally speaking.
"I'll be okay. I just want to know what he knows about the Horcruxes. I want to start destroying them. Voldemort is coming and I have to be ready."
It was clear that Harry had been preparing for this conversation for a while.
"Harry, as your dad and therapist I'm not sure this is the right time for it," Remus said gently.
"Then when is?" Harry challenged back, trying to stay calm. "When I'm forty? I can't keep waiting. Besides, this is my decision."
It was silent for a moment before Remus said, "It is your decision. It's my job to help guide you. I can tell you that I don't think it's the right time for this, but ultimately it's up to you. Dadfoot and I will love you and support you no matter what."
"Good, because I'm meeting with him tomorrow."
"Way to bury the lead, Harry," Sirius cried, still pacing.
"Sirius," Remus said warningly.
"I'm talking to Dumbledore after dinner tomorrow to find out more about the Horcruxes. Grandma Min told him about it."
Remus took a deep breath, and then another one. "Harry, are you sure about this?"
Harry nodded. "I can't put my life on hold any longer. It's time."
Remus nodded now. "Alright. I still urge you to take more time to recover, but I'm guessing I can't convince you of that no matter what I say, can I?
Harry shook his head.
"Then please know that we're here to support you and love you no matter what. I am going to request that you come back here as soon as the conversation is over. I want to make sure you're okay after."
Harry nodded. That was reasonable. "Okay, sounds good. Speaking of which, besides that, we're back to my normal dorm schedule, right?"
Sirius and Remus looked at each other.
"Pup, I think that depends on how your conversation with Albus goes. If you're Horcrux hunting, we're going to want to see how you're doing. We don't want you going hunting without an adult, either, and if I know you, and I do, you'd try to sneak out and look. We're not letting that happen."
Harry groaned. "I want to go back to my friends! And not just for a night or two!"
"I understand that Harry, completely. However, it's our job to keep you safe. After your conversation with Dumbledore, we can come up with an agreement of when you're allowed to go back to your dorm. Until then, let's put the conversation on hold."
"Ugh! I shouldn't have even told you!" Harry yelled before standing up and storming into his room.
"That went well," Sirius commented, sitting back down.
"He's 16, Siri, us telling him what to do and where he can go is not on his radar."
"He knows better than to talk to us like that," Sirius argued.
"Yes, but he's angry. He's acting like a teenager. Give him time to cool down and then we'll talk to him."
Sirius huffed and had a sip of his drink. "Fine, but I'm not going alone."
"Deal," Remus chuckled, leaning over to kiss his husband.
Parenting is hard.
Later that evening, Sirius and Remus knocked on Harry's door.
"Come in," Harry said from the other side.
Sirius and Remus found Harry lying face down on his bed, covered in his weighted blanket.
"Hey, Cub. We wanted to talk to you," Remus said as he and Sirius sat down in Harry's desk chair and armchair respectively.
Harry rolled over and sat up in his bed. "What is it?"
"We wanted to talk to you about earlier," Remus said.
"Yeah, what about?" Harry asked, despite a small guilty look on his face.
"Harry, we were best friends with your father. You have the same guilty look he does. You know exactly why we're here," Sirius pointed out.
Harry let out a breath of hot air and bit his lip but then said, "Sorry for being sassy. I was just angry."
Remus nodded. "Thank you. We deserve respect, too."
Harry put his head down, feeling chastised.
"Also, we wanted to make sure you knew that we really do want to support you with Albus," Sirius said.
"We might not agree with your decision to talk to him now, but we respect that it's your decision. We have a few questions regarding the conversation."
"Okay," Harry said, sitting up straighter. He appreciated being treated as an adult right now.
"Do you want one of us to go with you?" Remus asked.
"No, I want to do this on my own."
"Alright. Do you want us to wait in the hall?"
Harry shook his head again. "No, I know I have to come back here after and I'll see you then."
"That's fair. We want to make sure you're going to be alright when the conversation's over. Maybe you can floo here?"
Harry nodded. "If that would make you feel better I can ask."
"Thank you," Remus said, nodding. "It would."
"Also, Harry, we do expect to know some of the contents of your conversation with Professor Dumbledore. Horcruxes are dangerous and you should have an adult, that's not Albus, be aware of what you're doing or plan to do."
"Why not just Dumbledore?" Harry asked, annoyed.
"Regarding Horcruxes and the prophecy Albus is…" Remus trailed off and Sirius picked right up. "Albus is blind when it comes to those things. He gets tunnel vision and won't necessarily put you first. An actual capable adult will."
Harry huffed. "I'm not a baby."
"No, you're not," Remus agreed. "You are a remarkable young man who is rather powerful and talented. You are also a 16-year-old who is still learning. Horcruxes are dangerous for anyone and there's a reason why they're very illegal. I wouldn't take them on alone and neither would Dadfoot. Your dad wouldn't have, either."
"Now together, maybe," Sirius said, shrugging.
"Sirius! Not helping!" Remus hissed.
"He deserves to know the truth," Sirius pointed out.
Remus sighed. "Yes, he does. Alright, fine. We might've hunted them all together as adults, but that's different than you hunting them alone as a teenager. I swear, Lily is probably rolling over in her grave knowing that we're allowing this."
"You know I'd just do it behind your back if you didn't, right?" Harry pointed out.
"Which is why we're allowing it," Sirius said.
Remus chuckled and shook his head. "The moral of the story, Cub, is that we want the best for you and to keep you safe, okay? We love you."
"And I love you guys. I am sorry for being bratty."
"We forgive you. Just know we nag you because we love you," Remus said.
"I'll try," Harry replied, rolling his eyes.
"Now, I believe you have a big day tomorrow?"
Harry nodded.
Bedtime.
Remus went over to Harry, kissed him on the head, and said goodnight. Sirius did the same before popping into Padfoot and making his way onto Harry's bed.
"Okay, fine," Harry agreed, petting the dog.
"Goodnight you two," Remus said as he headed to the door.
"Night Moony Da. Love you."
"Love you, too," Remus replied before shutting the door and turning out the light.
A parent's job is never done.
The next day, Harry did his best to make it through the day. He sat through class and attended all meals. He might not have been fully mentally present, but he was there.
At dinner, he could barely focus and felt himself begin to panic when he saw Albus leave the Great Hall.
"Harry, are you sure you're okay?" Neville asked for what felt like the hundredth time.
"I'm fine," Harry replied absentmindedly.
"Harry," Neville said in a warning tone.
Harry sighed and turned to face his friend. "I'm preoccupied with something right now, Neville. I'll be okay."
"Do Professor Lupin and Black know about this?"
"Yes, Neville," Harry groaned. He stood up and said, "I have to go. I'll see you all tomorrow."
"Harry!" Hermione called.
Harry ignored them and the knots in his stomach as he walked away.
Harry thought about turning around and not going to Dumbledore's office about a hundred times on his way there, but he found himself at Dumbledore's office door before he knew it.
Harry knocked and heard Dumbledore's voice beckon him in.
Harry took a deep breath.
This was it.
Harry entered the office and shut the door behind him.
"Harry, I am so glad you are here," Albus said. "I've been hoping to speak with you. Please, have a seat."
Harry sat down and grabbed a fidget out of his pocket. He already wanted to bolt, but knew that there was something important he had to talk to the headmaster about.
"I wanted to talk to you about the Horcruxes," Harry said as confidently as he could, getting straight to the point.
Albus blinked. "I beg your pardon?"
"Horcruxes. I want to start looking for them."
"Harry, I thought we were going to talk about the prophecy," Albus said.
Harry shook his head and pulled harder on the fidget. "No. We're not talking about that. I've processed that enough right now. No, I want to talk about Horcruxes."
Albus was quiet for a long time and Harry allowed the silence, despite it wearing on his nerves.
Eventually, Albus spoke up again. "Are your parents aware of this conversation?"
"Yes, and I have their full support," Harry explained.
Albus was quiet again, but for a shorter period this time.
"And you do not wish to talk of the prophecy at all?"
"No, Sir," Harry said firmly.
Dumbledore took a deep breath. "Then I suppose I should talk to you about the diadem."
"The dia-what?" Harry asked.
"Diadem. It's like a tiara. I have reason to believe that Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem is a horcrux of Voldemort."
"Rowena Ravenclaw? Like, the Ravenclaw?"
"Yes, the founder herself."
"How did he even get something that old?"
"He also had Helga's cup, remember."
"I don't know how he does it. Anyway, where is this diadem?"
"After doing some research, I believe it's in the castle. Where, I'm not quite sure yet."
"Here? Then let's find it!" Harry said, standing up.
"Harry, it's not so simple. There's much to do before we go hunting for it. We need to figure out where it is."
"And how do we do that?"
"Ah, that conversation is for another night. I have some ideas, but I believe it's time you go home."
"We've barely spoken! What do you mean?" Harry cried standing up.
Dumbledore looked at Harry and tilted his head down.
Harry looked down to where Dumbledore's eyes were.
He looked at his wrist where his nails were making contact as his fidget was on the floor.
"I"m fine!" Harry shouted.
"Still, I believe it's best if you return to your parents' quarters now."
Harry let out a loud groan before he stood up, stormed to the fireplace, and flooed away without any permission, leaving a surprised and slightly amused Dumbledore in his wake.
Harry stumbled out of the fireplace and into the sitting room where Remus and Sirius were waiting not-so patiently.
"Cub?" Remus asked seeing his son.
"I can't even have a bloody conversation with him! I can't even do that normally!" Harry cried loudly, throwing his arms up.
'What do you mean?" Remus asked, gently leading Harry to the couch.
"I couldn't- I mean I did- I accidently- ugh!" Harry cried again before bringing his hand to pull at his hair.
"Harry, don't hurt yourself," Remus said gently, trying to lower Harry's hand.
However, Harry had a firm grasp on his hair as he kept pulling on it. "No! I just can't!"
"Harry," Remus said, this time a bit more firm. "Look at me."
Harry panted and looked at Remus, his hand still in his hair.
"Take a breath," Remus said, putting his hands on Harry's shoulder. He pressed down, trying to ground his son.
Harry took a deep breath and Remus said, "Good. Now, let's take your hand out of your hair."
Remus gently guided Harry's hand to his side.
"Now, what happened?"
"Well," Harry began. "He thought I was going to talk about what happened a few weeks ago so he was surprised about the Horcrux topic. He was willing to talk about them and told me what item he was looking for and where he thinks it is."
"But.." Sirius prompted, knowing it was coming.
"I wanted to look for it and he said we couldn't because I couldn't handle it and had to go home or something like that. He gestured to my hands and apparently I was digging my nails into my wrist! I didn't even know! I couldn't even do that normally! Ugh!"
Harry made a movement to pull at his hair again, but stopped before grabbing a pillow and holding it close to him.
"What happened after he said that?" Sirius asked.
"I flooed away. I came right here."
"I'm glad you came to us. We're here to help," Remus said kindly.
Harry let out a breath and slumped on the couch. "I just wanted to find out more about the Horcrux."
"What did he say?"
"That it's somewhere in the castle," Harry said, rubbing where he had his nails.
Sirius opened his mouth but Remus spoke first. "We do need to pause this conversation because your wellbeing is the most important thing right now. You're clearly upset about something. We can talk about it if you want, but we need to calm you down and get you back to baseline."
Harry would never admit it, but Remus was right. Nevertheless, he groaned and said, "I'm fine! It's fine!"
"Harry," Remus said lovingly. "Let's just be for a moment, yeah?"
Harry let out a breath of hot air. He took a deep breath and let it out.
"I'm frustrated. And angry. And nervous," Harry admitted. He moved himself from the couch to the ground and pulled his knees close to his chest. "This whole topic is a lot," Harry admitted.
"Yeah, it is," Remus agreed and sat down next to Harry.
"It makes me want to-" Harry stopped talking. "Nevermind."
"What is it?" Remus questioned.
"I'm not going to say it. I don't want to get in trouble."
"Have we ever punished you for your feelings?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head. "No, but you might say I can't Horcrux hunt and I don't want that."
Sirius and Remus exchanged looks.
"I promise we won't say that, Harry. This is a safe space and you can share what's on your mind without fear of repercussions," Sirius said.
"Are you sure?" Harry asked.
"Absolutely." Sirius confirmed.
Harry took a deep breath and said, "It makes me want to come out of my skin. I know that sounds weird, but knowing I have one inside of me just wants to get it out, or get something out. I sometimes don't even realize what I'm doing until someone points it out, like Dumbledore, and then I'm frustrated and embarrassed. It's really weird."
Remus made a thoughtful noise and nodded. "I get it. I felt the same way around the full moon and I sometimes still do. I understand."
Harry sniffed. "I really hate the feeling and it's a terrible feeling but also a topic I can't avoid."
Remus nodded and made an agreeable sound. "There are ways to help that feeling."
"I'm sure there are, but I don't want to do those right now. They're too much. I want to sit here."
"We can do that. Sitting with our feelings is good, too," Remus said.
Harry didn't reply but leaned his head on Remus.
A few times Harry's hand found his way to his wrist and each time Remus lovingly moved Harry's hand away and gave it a gentle squeeze, reminding him of his presence.
Sirius had popped into Padfoot so Harry would have something to do with his hands.
They stayed there until it was time to go to bed and Remus and Sirius brought Harry into their bed with them.
Sometimes we have to weather the storm and people we care about are great people to help.
Harry woke up feeling much better, and despite the concern Remus and Sirius had, he went straight for the library. Harry channeled his inner Hermione as he checked out and read books about Rowena and a book about diadems. Harry did this for several days until Nearly Headless Nick saw him.
"I notice you're taking out a lot of books on Rowena Ravenclaw. Are you interested in her?"
"Uh, yeah," Harry said, not feeling like explaining this particular mission to him.
Harry had an idea before Nick floated away. "Sir Nicholas, who is the Ravenclaw ghost?"
"The Grey Lady. I'm sure you've seen her around before."
"Yes, but who is she?" Harry questioned. "She must know about Rowena."
"Ah, more than you would imagine," Nick chuckled.
Harry looked at him quizzically.
Nearly Headless Nick sighed and floated closer to Harry. "She's Helena Ravenclaw, Rowena's daughter. She might know information about the diadem. Beyond that, I cannot say anything else."
"Where would I find her?"
"I can point her out to you," the ghost offered.
"Please," Harry said.
Harry quickly packed up his books and hurried to follow Nearly Headless Nick out of the library. They went down some corridors and eventually found the Grey Lady in a corridor.
"You're on your own now," Sir Nicholas said before disappearing.
"You're the Grey Lady. The ghost of Ravenclaw tower," Harry said, taking a few steps forward.
"I do not answer to that name," Helena said angrily before starting to disappear.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You're Helena, right? Helena Ravenclaw?"
Helena stopped disappearing and hid behind a pillar.
"I think you're able to help me. I'm looking for something and I think you know where it is."
"You're looking for my mother's diadem. I've heard about you, Harry Potter."
Harry nodded.
"I cannot help you."
Helena started to disappear before Harry shouted, "Wait, please! I want to destroy it!"
Helena froze.
"You want that too, don't you?" Harry asked.
"Another said they'd destory it a long time ago. A strange boy with a strange name."
"Tom Riddle," Harry said.
"Yes. But he lied."
"He's lied to many people," Harry said.
"I know who he is! I know what he's done! He defiled it with dark magic!"
"I can destroy it once and for all, but I need your help. Where is it, Helena?" Harry asked, almost pleading.
Helena was quiet for a long moment. "It's hidden in the room where everything is hidden. If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you will only need to ask."
And with that, Helena disappeared.
Harry almost scoffed; leave it to a Ravenclaw to tell you the answer with a riddle.
However, Harry knew exactly where she was talking about.
The Room of Requirement.
Harry ran to Dumbledore's office and burst in.
"I know where it is!" Harry shouted before he even looked to see if Dumbledore was in there.
Dumbledore was in his office, but so were two more people.
"Moony Da? Dadfoot?" What are you doing here?" Harry asked.
"We could as you the same question," Sirius said.
"I'll come back later," Harry said, turning around.
With a flick of a wand, the door was shut. "I don't think so. Come, sit," Sirius said.
Harry sighed, he knew that it was too good to be true. He slowly walked to a chair and sat down.
"What do you mean, you know where it is?" Dumbledore asked.
"I talked to the Grey Lady, er, Helena Ravenclaw, and asked her. We talked and she gave me a riddle. I figured out it is in the-" Harry stopped.
"Where?" Albus questioned.
"I'm not telling you unless you promise that I get to find it."
"Harry," Remus said warningly.
"I have a right to find it and destroy it."
"You're so young," Sirius argued.
"Dadfoot," Harry growled. They talked about this.
"I'm sorry, Harry, but you're sixteen! Destroying a Horcrux at 16 is no joke! Destroying it at 40 or 100 is no joke either! It's hard and emotionally devastating," Sirius said.
"It's my life!" Harry argued back, standing up.
"We need to calm down," Remus said, standing up and getting in between Sirius and Harry.
"Sit down and take a breath, both of you," Remus ordered.
Sirius reluctantly did as Remus asked, Harry, on the other hand, stood there stubbornly until Remus walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. "Take a breath, Cub."
Harry finally relaxed his jaw and sat down, taking a deep breath.
"Thank you. Now, Harry, we were in here discussing the Horcrux with Professor Dumbledore. We weren't expecting you to figure out where it was so quickly."
"I really care about this," Harry mumbled.
"We know. I think now is a good time to figure out what is going to happen with it."
"I want to destroy it. Myself. Alone," Harry said firmly.
"And why is that?" Remus asked.
"I did the research. I figured out where it was. I am the one who can't live until Tom is dead. It's up to me."
"We know the horrendous effects of destroying the Horcrux, Harry, and we want to spare you that. We don't want you to have to go through it."
"But I am one! I want to destroy one before I have to be destroyed!"
"You will never have to be destroyed," Remus said firmly.
"The Horcrux in me does!"
"And you are not the Horcrux," Remus said, his voice so firm it was almost icy.
Harry let out another hot breath.
"Harry, are you sure you know where it is at?" Albus asked.
"Yes. I'm certain," Harry replied confidently.
There was a long silence where the adults all communicated with their faces before Remus spoke again.
"Harry, let me speak before you interrupt, okay?"
Harry reluctantly nodded.
"Destroying a Horcrux is beyond challenging. It takes physical strength, yes, but emotionally it tears people up on the inside. It knows your deepest, darkest fears and plays it out for you to see. It preys on any weakness it can find. Harry, there's no way you can destory this on your own."
Harry opened his mouth to argue, but remembered his agreement with Remus and shut it.
"Now, I also understand why you want to destroy a Horcrux. Dadfoot, Albus, and I have talked and decided that we will allow you to destroy one, but you need to follow our guidelines. First of all, you're not to be alone. You may not be alone searching for it or destroying it. Second of all, before you destroy it I have to do a full psych evaluation on you to make sure you're in a healthy enough headspace to destroy it."
"Well there goes that," Harry said exasperated.
"I said healthy enough, Harry. You can't be actively suicidal before destorying this Horcrux. I'll talk to you more about it privately."
Harry gave a tense nod.
"After you destroy it, you have to spend at least a week with Dadfoot and I. You'll have therapy every other day for the first week as well."
"Merlin! This is bloody ridiculous!" Harry interrupted again.
"This is no joke, Harry. Destroying a Horcrux is something you'll never forget. We can't stop you from doing it, but we can put safeguards in place to protect you. We're your parents. It's our job," Remus said.
"Let Moony Da finish before you interrupt him again," Sirius said.
Harry bit his lip, holding back a comment.
"You may think you're in this alone, but you're not. We're here for you and we're not letting you forget that. We love you."
Harry let out a breath. It was hard to be angry when Remus was saying such kind things.
"Before you speak, let me review. You're allowed to destory the Horcrux, but you need an adult with you when you look and destory it and that's after you pass a psych evaluation from me or another trained Healer. You will be staying with Dadfoot and myself after it's destroyed for at least a week- possible longer depending on your mental state. Do you understand?"
Harry nodded.
"Good. Now, what questions or comments do you have about this?"
"I don't love the idea, but I have a feeling it's the best I'm going to get, isn't it."
"It took a lot of convincing for us just to get here. I recommend you take it."
"How soon can I get this eval thing done? I want to destory it now."
Remus shook his head. "Not today. Maybe next week. This needs to settle down. Right now the task is too driven by emotion. While it's impossible to take the emotion out of a task like this, you need a clear head."
Harry had to admit that Remus had a point. "Fine. I agree but I don't like it."
Remuc chuckled. "You don't have to like it. Is there anything else we can answer for you?"
Harry shook his head.
"We're here if anything else pops up. Now, I believe it's time for you to eat."
"Moony Da! It's the middle of the afternoon!" Harry whined.
"And did you eat lunch?" Remus pointed out.
Harry stayed quiet and put his head down.
"That's what I thought. Come on, Cub. Let's head to our quarters."
Harry sighed and gave Albus a wave before reluctantly following his parents into the floo and to the Marauder Quarters.
Oh, parents.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
17. Have something spicy or sour (like the redhot candy, or warheads)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200