ANGER

Dawn stared at the ceiling, the white roof staring back at her. She could hear absolutely nothing except the soft music coming through her laptop and the sound of her own breathing. It felt difficult to breathe, almost as if something was on her chest, suffocating her. She had to remind herself to take a breath every once in a while. The song came to a stop, and she could feel a weird feeling rising up her throat, making it difficult to swallow.

She sat up straight and rubbed her eyes, feeling the wetness cover her cheek and her eyes ache. How long had she been wallowing in self-pity? This wasn't like her. She wasn't like this.

The next song started, and she picked up the laptop to make it stop. Everything was irritating her way too much.

Feeling the phone vibrate, she jumped to see who texted her. A desperate prayer that it would be him. He would call her up and say everything was a mistake. This shouldn't have happened. The smile dropped when she saw a text from Gary. 'Everything alright?'

No. It was fucking not alright. How could she even form the words. It had been a week since he broke up with her. She told Lyra about the separation. So perhaps Ash told his group of friends. She was so fucking sick of waiting for a single text from him. Didn't she even deserve a follow up? Didn't she deserve a text from him asking if everything was alright?

In a way it was better that he didn't ask her. What would she have said? That she was a mess? She felt so fucking lonely?

If he was alright without her, then good. She didn't want to be on his mind either. He and his group of friends were better without her. Then so be it. He could dance with Miette all he wanted. He could smoke and drink till he dropped dead for all she cared. She had already cared enough to the point of being left out of his life. How could she even ask for him to come back after all these?

Ha, their group of friends just became his. Obviously, they knew him first so they would side with him, but this was one factor she didn't put into perspective when they ended things. Distancing from his group of friends. As if her life wasn't already pathetic.

She typed a quick 'no, I feel sick' to Gary and shut her phone down. She freaking didn't want to explain anything to anyone at the moment.

2 years and 8 months.

That's how long they dated.

And that's how long it took him to lose feelings for her.

She lied down on the bed again, fresh tears bursting out of her eyes. He said she deserved better. Someone who would prioritize her instead of new friends. No, she didn't need anyone better. She didn't want anyone better. All she ever wanted was him. She kept praying and praying that he'll come back, that he realized that he had fucked up, he'll ask her to give him another chance, give them another chance, but he didn't. What did she do wrong? What was so fundamentally wrong in her that he chose new friends, new lifestyle that easily? How was letting her go so easy for him? How could he forget all the promises and plans they made?

She didn't know. She didn't know anything. The walls staring back at her showed no comfort.

Had she always been this alone? In her darkest moments where she had no one to share her grief with?

Ash was right when he said that her attitude would drive people away. It did. She should have been firm and cold no matter how many sweet promises he had made. That way they wouldn't have gotten close, and this wouldn't hurt so much. Afterall people can only hurt you if they are important to you. Her throat felt patchy, and she needed to divert herself otherwise she knew she would get consumed in the waves of what ifs and what could have been. She walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower, shivering a little when the cold water ran through her during the cold night of November. Good, this would distract her from the fire and pain trying to burst from within.
She stood silently in the shower for a while and when it became too much to bear, she wrapped a towel around her and tried to get changed. One of his old shirts came into view and a fresh wave of disappointment washed through her and she picked it up and put it on. She couldn't help but take a sniff, hoping to catch some comfort in the familiar smell but all she found was the smell of detergent. Long gone was the familiarity, and it was replaced by a dread. It was as if he never even existed in her life. It was as if they weren't together at all.

Strangers to lovers.

And now back to freaking strangers again.

The apartment had never felt so empty. She made her way to the kitchen and pulled out some water from the fridge, the beer bottles greeting her as she opened the door. She despised this brand but for some reason they were Ash's favourite. So, she always kept a fresh stock if he ever came to visit her. She debated whether to throw them away or keep them because he wasn't coming back.

She knew it in her bones that there was no salvaging the relationship. How could she even hold on to hope that he'll be back when he was unsure about them? She cursed herself and opened the abomination of the beer and took a chug, instantly hating the way it felt on her tongue. She should have known why he liked it so much. It was bitter with a strong aftertaste, just like her. Maybe he had a tendency to be attracted towards bitter stuff.

She wondered if she should have gone back into his room after storming out like that. He was probably shocked. Maybe if she did and begged to him to reconsider their relationship, it would have worked. But then what? Would she have been happy being with someone she had to beg to stay? She promised herself that she wouldn't become someone who begged people to stay in her life. She had begged her father to not leave them, yet he didn't listen. And he was her own blood, her own fucking father. This was just a man she knew by chance. Why would he even be bothered?

But he had to be bothered right? Even a little? Because he was the one who fell for her first. He made the first move. He confessed first. He couldn't have been acting for so long now, could he?

Obviously not. She knew the way he looked at her. She knew the way he touched her and kissed her. Could someone fake those? She really hoped not.
Her stomach was doing somersaults. She should have eaten something first instead of chugging a beer at 4 am.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow this hole in her chest wouldn't be so big. Maybe tomorrow her heart wouldn't be in overdrive. Maybe tomorrow her brain would accept that it really was the end. She couldn't keep punishing herself like this. She tried her best, didn't she? Gave her everything in this relationship. All the love, passion, respect and compassion she had, she poured all of those into the relationship.

Yet. It wasn't enough.

Even her everything wasn't enough to make someone who claimed to love her stay.

Will she ever be enough?

Throwing the empty can across the room she looked around. This place screamed of his memories. The couch where they sat and watched horror movies. The kitchen table where he kissed her as he served her favourite breakfast. The front door which they had difficulty unlocking because they were busy making out.

She loved her bedroom because of the light. How the sun would reflect off the glasses and embrace his sleepy face in the morning after they were wrapped up with each other all night. How he would sometimes wait for her to wake up by staying still, even if it meant staying fixed in one position for hours. How the bed creaked when they got a little too intense. And she loathed that room. That room was nothing, but a shitload of memories and she lied down on the couch, turning her back towards the bedroom.

What was so fundamentally wrong with her that he couldn't even be in her presence anymore? He said that he was sorry for everything yet how could he not see he was killing her bit by bit? Was it that easy for him to let go of her hand?

She wiped away her tears and closed her eyes. All this crying in her room, all alone, did it even matter? Maybe he should have taught her how to not care when he ended things. Did her face not haunt him? How could it not? If he claimed that he loved her, her pain and suffering should be hurting him too. Was it really that selfish of her to wish that he was feeling the same pain as her?

A shuddered sigh escaped her lips. No. She shouldn't be wishing this on him. He had his reasons. She had always known that she was a difficult person to love and care for so why was she feeling betrayed? Shouldn't she have known that one day everyone would leave, no matter the promises and bonding? A laugh bubbled up in her throat. She had once asked him what if he finds someone better. He was so confident when he assured her that she was all he wanted. Lies. Lies. All lies. Yet she wanted him to find someone else, someone who would make him happy. Someone with less issues than her. Someone whose baggage didn't slow them down. Then maybe years down the line, the girl and Ash would reminisce about his past flame. About her terrible attitude and disgusting past. How being with her made Ash the better man for the new girl. How all the trial and errors in their relationship forged the map for his perfect relationship with the new girl.

Maybe one day, his name would not bring up ugly memories anymore. Maybe one day, this grief wouldn't swallow her whole. Maybe one day this ghost of them would stop haunting her. Maybe one day she would be able to walk away from this big castle of what they could have been. She would be able to walk so far away that the what-ifs and maybes won't haunt her very existence. Maybe one day she won't cry herself to sleep.
But today was not the today.

But tonight, she will cry herself to sleep, wondering what she could have done differently to save this. Save them.
...

Been listening to You're losing me by TS while writing this. Never related to a song so much before hahaha.