Original lyrics:
ANYBODYS
I ain't never gonna get married, too much noise
JETS
You ain't never gonna get married, too ugly!
ANYBODYS
Pow, pow!
ANYBODYS AND JETS
Knock off, get lost
Go knit a shawl
ANYBODYS
Move, hit the road, little lady, that's all
That's all I ever hear, and I believe it too
Buddy boys, I'm with you!
Girls ain't good for anything
Swearing, or smoking, or spitting, or anything
No good for nothing but giggling and wiggling around
Girls are good for kicking out
Screaming, and flirting, and certain to chicken out
Some should be clobbered, the rest of them ought to be drowned
Now take me, I ain't like any other girl on Earth
Don'cha see, I'm an accident of birth
It's revolting
I ain't like the other girls
Drooly, and sticky, and icky like other girls
I swear and I smoke and I inhale
Why can't I be male, like everybody else?
New lyrics:
ANYBODYS
I ain't never gonna get married, too much noise
JETS
You ain't never gonna get married, too ugly!
ANYBODYS
Pow, pow!
ANYBODYS AND JETS
Knock off, get lost
Go knit a shawl
ANYBODYS
Move, hit the road, little lady, that's all
That's all I ever hear, and I believe it too
Buddy boys, I'm with you!
Boys are good at everything
Fighting, and winning, and grinning, and everything
No good for nothing like kicking and pushing around
Girls are in need of helping out
Bleeding, and binding, and certain to spiral down
Most will be clobbered, and all of us hope to be drowned
Now take me, I was cursed to be a girl by birth
Don'cha see, you're the luckiest on Earth!
It's revolting
I sigh with the other girls
Pleading, and pining, and praying with other girls
I cut, and I bleed, to no avail
Why can't we be male, like everybody else?
Graziella: Um… I and Velma don't want to be male…
Velma: Yeah, or 'helped out' in that way…
Anybodys: …What? But being a boy is so much better. We wouldn't have to worry about being insulted, or attacked, or… worse for being female.
Graziella: I mean, there are things that are tough about being female, but they're problems with the way we're treated, not anything about us.
Anybodys:…You still want to have a boy's body, though, right? Boys don't have to have scrawny shoulders, or round faces, or hips and chests that hang off of them…
Graziella: I don't mind any of that. Do you, Velma?
Velma: No, I like my body. I think most girls do. They suit us.
Anybodys:…Am I the only girl who wants to die when I'm called a 'she' too? Does that make me a freak too?
Graziella:…You prolly ain't the ONLY one. Maybe Michael
Baby John: *Interrupting* Who?
Graziella:...Riff's BROTHER, who might've felt that way when he was Michelle.
Riff: Don't bring up that freak, it'll distract me from this free entertainment.
Anybodys: Hey, you take that back! He's not a freak. He said he's always felt like a boy, so he is one.
Riff: Wait, you don't think you're a boy? She just admitted it, she's been pretending to be one of us so that we have to touch her to kick her sorry ass out!
*Anybodys stands up and furiously pulls his fist back while Riff is talking. Graziella gently grabs his arm, and Velma gently pushes down on his shoulders. He could easily shake them off, but he unclenches his fist and sits back down at the edge of his seat, still furious. Riff and the other Jets find this funny.*
Baby John: Wait, I was right then! Riff, doesn't that mean you owe me a dollar?
Riff: Aaah, you know I'll be good for it after the rumble.
Graziella: Ignore them, they wouldn't know a clit from a tit. I would know.
*The Jets react to this sick burn in the background. Riff tries to get them to stop and plays it off. Graziella, Velma, and Anybodys ignore them.*
Velma: Maybe you don't feel like a boy yet because you've always been treated like a girl by idiots like them. And if you made yourself look like a boy, like Michael, you would feel like one.
Graziella: Yeah, maybe he could help you with that! And I and Velma, of course.
Anybodys: Thanks, but wanting to be a boy don't make me one. Michael was… is treated like a girl as much as I am, but he was never fooled. That's why he could convince them to give him things that they would never give me. They'd figure out I'm faking being a boy and refuse to help me look like one.
Velma: Grazi, when we were talking to Johanna, *to Anybodys* I think you only met her when she was still John, *to Graziella* didn't she say she had only figured out she's a girl recently, after Michael helped her sort through what she'd been feeling?
Graziella: *to Anybodys* Yeah, and what she'd been feeling sounded an awful lot like what you've been feeling, only reversed. And maybe a little less extreme…
*The Jets have settled back down by this point and have switched back to listening to their conversation like it's a reality TV show. Anybodys slowly nods, then looks at his knees like he's in a shocked trance. In the background, Baby John cracks open a boiled egg and starts eating it without taking his eyes off of the scene in front of him. Riff walks up to Anybodys and exaggeratedly waves his hand in front of his face, 'accidentally' hitting his nose, but he doesn't react, or even seem to notice what just happened.*
Graziella: Hey, stop it! Leave… him alone.
*Anybodys smiles slightly for a split second, but otherwise doesn't break out of his trance*
Riff: Why would you bother with calling her a he? She just admitted she's not one, not that anyone with working eyes would need her to tell them that.
Arab: Or ears! Her bitchy voice would give her away from a mile away!
*Riff high fives Arab, and Graziella and Velma get up and protectively stand in front of Anybodys*
Velma: What's he done to deserve this horrible treatment?!
Riff: Just for starters, SHE tricked Tony into letting her pretend to be one of us, then somehow managed to delude herself into thinking that she still had the right to show her ugly face around here after her precious boyfriend left us to try and make 75 cents an hour!
Snowboy: Gee, I wonder what she had to offer him to get that deal…
Action: It prolly had to do with the deal she has cause she's a girl!
Graziella: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Riff: Exactly! You shouldn't insult Tony by saying he would stoop that low, even for a joke.
Action: Aaah, you're right, I'm sorry.
Riff: That's what she would've had to say to him if he had stooped that low, although he wouldn't have been the one stooping low in that situation, *he sarcastically punches Anybodys on the arm in the way that he would to a friend, but harder* isn't that right, Susan?
Action: *Copies this gesture on Anybodys' other shoulder* Gee, where'd you get a girl name like Susan from if you're not a girl, Susan?
Velma: You're all disgusting. *She gently places a hand on Anybodys' shoulder* Come on, let's get out of here. We can help you come up with a way better name than that.
*Anybodys snaps out of his trance, briefly puts his hand on Velma's gratefully, and gently takes it off his shoulder. He stands up calmly, and Graziella and Velma wait in anticipation as the Jets joke around at his expense. Anybodys calmly scans their faces, then focuses on Action. Suddenly, he furiously punches him in the face as hard as he can, and he flies backwards into a brick wall. His head hits the wall loudly, and he gets knocked out and crumples to the ground. The Jets quickly fall silent and look at him in shock. Anybodys stands over him triumphantly.
Anybodys: *Shouting* I ain't no goddamn girl!
*Graziella and Velma cheer, and the Jets slowly look towards them menacingly in unison. Their cheers slowly subside, and Anybodys takes this opportunity to run off, grinning. He kicks Riff's legs out from under him on the way, causing him to fall, taking Baby John with him. Graziella and Velma run in the opposite direction a second later, and Riff gets up as quickly as he can despite the fact that it obviously hurts to do so. About two thirds of the Jets run after Anybodys, Riff and Ice run after Graziella and Velma, slowly due to the fact that Riff is limping, and about a third of the Jets start trying to help Action.*