"Thanks," Elliot told her softly, warmly, as he stepped out of the bathroom, damp towel caught in his hands.

"Of course," she answered. Of course, she'd let him come to her apartment when they made it back to the city. Of course, she'd let him use her shower. They were both a bit grimey after their trip to the woods, and Elliot's apartment door had been blown to pieces, and the department had agreed to pay for its replacement but god only knew when that would happen. Of course, she had not turned him away. He was her partner, and she couldn't leave him to navigate all that alone, not everything they'd been through together.

But.

The but seemed to hang in the air between them, had been there, swinging above their heads like the blade of a guillotine, since they'd fallen apart in one another's arms the night before. She loved him but. She wanted him but. They were going home but. In an effort to protect her own heart Olivia had gone quiet on him, thinking about the future and all those buts and what had to be done, and he'd noticed it, the way she'd withdrawn, she knew he had, and he was standing there now, in her bedroom, fresh from her shower, staring at her with a question in his eyes.

"Did you figure out how you're gonna explain all this to Buck?" she asked him. A safe question, an easy question, a question of practicality.

"No," he answered, shooting her a half-hearted grin. "You figure out what you're gonna do with little miss yet?"

McKenna was currently sitting on the couch, watching some inane children's cartoon, half-asleep, drowsy after a long ride in the car. Olivia had decided to keep McKenna, but it wasn't as easy as making the choice; there were a million logistics to work through first.

"I've called the Captain and Trevor Langan-"

"Trevor Langan?"

"Don't look at me like that, he's with a firm that does family law now, he does a lot of adoption work pro bono," she explained defensively. "The department will give me a few weeks to get settled with her as a new foster parent, and Trevor is going to help with the courts. I'll need the time, though, DSS is going to require me to move into a two bedroom."

She could afford it; she'd been working for centuries now, and Marcus had helped with some investments, and she had enough money squirreled away to finance the move, to support her and McKenna whether she ever went back to work or not. And at the moment she was leaning towards not; Olivia lived for the job, but Elliot wasn't coming back, and it would break her heart to walk into the bullpen and not find him there waiting for her. Besides, McKenna was still so young, still hadn't learned how to hide her wings; what if a few weeks wasn't enough time to teach her? She couldn't go to daycare with the wings out, and a private nanny didn't really solve the problem, either. And there had been so much upheaval in her short life recently; maybe it would be for the best, Olivia staying home with her. It might break Olivia's heart, though.

"That's a good start," Elliot said. "I need to clean up my apartment and then I need to see Eli. It's been too long."

"That's good," Olivia said. How long had it been since this all started? Only a matter of days, but it felt as if a lifetime had passed since she'd discovered McKenna in that closet.

"So, I'm gonna go," Elliot said warily. "But before I do I need to know…when am I gonna see you again?"

Am I gonna see you again, that's what he was really asking. They'd finally crossed that line and probably Elliot thought that meant things were settled. He was - had always been - an all or nothing kind of man, and she knew that for him everything would change the moment they came together. He wouldn't have touched her unless he was willing - unless he was ready, unless he wanted - to commit to her, to give her all of himself and ask for all of her in return. It was why they had never fallen into bed together before now; well, it was one of the reasons. They'd never touched each other before because they knew the moment they did they would be forever changed, forever bound. And maybe he was right, but.

But Olivia was still a nephilim. Olivia still was cursed with a never ending life, and Olivia was still barred from heaven. That hadn't changed, would never change. She still couldn't let him tie himself to a curse, still couldn't face the grief his mortal life would bring her, in the end. There was still no way.

"I don't think that's a good idea," she said, very quietly. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, twisting her hands together in her lap, and as she spoke she stared resolutely at her toes, too scared of his heartbreak to face him when she delivered that blow.

"Goddamn it, Olivia," he swore. "Don't do this."

"Nothing's changed -"

"Everything has changed. Look at me, Liv."

She was helpless to resist him; much as she did not want to she lifted her gaze to his face, and nearly wept at the naked longing she found there.

"You say it isn't fair, you say we won't have forever so what's the point of having a few decades right now. Don't I get a say?"

No, she thought. In a way he was right, she knew he was; the choice shouldn't have been hers alone. It wasn't fair, her unilaterally decided to forsake both their dreams. But he didn't understand what he was asking for, not really, and she reckoned she did. Just this once, she knew better.

"I can't do this, Elliot."

"Can't do what?" he took a step forward, dropped the towel and reached out like he meant to touch her, but she shot him a baleful look and he kept his hands to himself.

"This," she burst out angrily. "Us. I can't…I can't be more than your friend, and I think after last night it's pretty clear we can't just be friends. Especially when you're not on the job anymore."

"We can figure it out-"

"I can't, Elliot! I can't-"

"You can - "

"I can't watch you die again!"

Shit.

She didn't mean to say that. It had been her intention to keep the secret of Elliot's past lives forever, to never put that burden on him, but in the heat of the moment the words had just slipped out and there would be no taking them back. As her words sank in he gave his head a little shake, confused, the torrent of pleading from his lips paused for a moment, but only a moment.

"What's that mean?" he demanded.

"Elliot-"

"What's that mean again? What the hell is going on here, Liv?"

It was too late; she was going to have to tell him. He'd never let it go, if she did not answer him now. He would not rest until he heard the truth from her lips. It might make him hate her, but if he hated her he'd go, and wasn't that what she wanted, anyway? Didn't she want him to leave, to go back to his life, back to his family, to give up his pursuit of a love that would only wound them both?

"This," she started to tell him but then lost her voice for a moment. How the fuck was she gonna explain this to him?

"This, this life, this isn't the first time we met."

"What the fuck are you -"

"We've met dozens of times." Maybe more. "You've had so many names but you always had the same eyes. The same soul. You keep…you keep coming back."

"You're talking about reincarnation?" he asked faintly. He was taking it hard, she could tell; he leaned back heavily against the wall, as if it were the only thing holding him upright, rubbed his temples like he felt a headache coming on.

"Yeah, I guess," she said. "And every time…every time we met we cared about each other. And every time you died it broke my heart."

For a while he was quiet, eyes closed, breathing deeply, trying to process what she'd said. Trying not to shout, she could tell; McKenna was on the other side of her bedroom door and Elliot wouldn't want to scare the girl, but there was a vein throbbing in the side of his thick neck and his hands kept clenching into fists.

"Did we ever…." he asked slowly, barely breathing.

"Once," she confessed in a small voice. "The first time. A very long time ago."

"What happened to him?" Elliot demanded. "To me?"

Olivia really, really didn't want to tell him, but she had come too far to back out now, and maybe he was right. All those lives, those were his lives, too. Maybe he deserved to know.

"I married him," she said. "I was still young, I thought I could have a normal life. And then we found out I couldn't have children, that I wasn't going to die. He wanted a family so much and I couldn't take that away from him, so…I left. He married someone else, had kids, died in his sleep."

And she had wept for weeks after she heard the news. Her heart still ached when she thought about it.

"You've been pushing me away for a thousand years," Elliot grumbled dangerously.

Longer than that, she thought. Much longer.

"Elliot -"

"So, that's it?" he said darkly. "You really don't give a shit about me, do you?"

"Elliot, no," she started to say, dismayed, but he was under a full head of steam now, and would not stop.

"You look at me, and you see him. That, last night, that wasn't about us, it was about some guy you say I used to be. And you're gonna walk away from me just like you walked away from him. You're a real piece of work, you know that?"

"That's not -"

"You ever think he didn't want you to leave? That he wanted you more than he wanted a family with someone else? You ever think about what you did to him? Or, shit, me, I guess? How many times have you told me no, Liv?"

"I only wanted you to be happy." She was crying, now; she could not stop it, any more than Elliot could stem the flood of his anger. His heartbreak was painting the whole room red, and she had done this to him, and maybe he was right. Maybe it was the wrong choice. Maybe she had been selfish. Maybe she'd been trying so hard to spare herself a little grief that she'd caused so much more in the process.

"You've made up your mind," he said. "You've written me off in this life, too, haven't you? Am I gonna come back?"

She spread her hands helplessly; it was a question she did not have the answer to. In her heart, she hoped the answer was yes; maybe they'd get it right, next time. The thought offered her no reassurance, though. She didn't want the next version of him, didn't want to start all over again. She wanted Elliot, precisely as he was in this moment. It was Elliot she loved, Elliot she'd reached for the night before, Elliot who could have made her happy, if only things were different.

"I love you," he said. "You won't let me, but I do. You want me gone, I'm going. I'll see you next time, Olivia. In the next life."

And then he pushed himself off the wall, and stormed out of her room. The door closed behind him, and she did not hear him say good-bye to McKenna, was left alone in the silence with her tears.