A not so quick note: While writing Ellie's character I wanted to get across the complex nature of a drug addicted mother's relationship with her child.

A couple years ago I spent an entire summer volunteering at an all women drug rehab- at the time I was trying to figure out what direction I wanted to take my mental health degree, and I was seriously considering social work. I spent three hours a day with these women over the course of two months, and the experience left me changed.

Half of the women there had children, and 90% of those women had suffered some form of sexual abuse. Every single woman I spoke to had a child in the system (or with family) and their ultimate goal was to regain custody of their child. They loved their babies. Deeply.

These women didn't want to choose drugs over their children. They at some point turned to drugs to cope, and they had been a slave to addiction ever since.

I always wondered if it was in the best interest for a child to be returned to a mother who at one point was incarcerated for a drug related crime. I never once considered the issue from the view of the mother. All of them knew they were screwed up. All of them wanted to get better, do better. All of them wanted to be more for their kids.

In writing this chapter I wanted to capture the complexity of Ellie's character. She wasn't a shit mom who wanted her kid to be sold off. She was stuck in an impossible situation and slave to an addiction that owned her.

The issue is complex, and it's not black an white. I hope when you read this you will feel (at least to some extent) the truly complicated nature of the situation. I'm not saying every mother deserves to get their child back, but I hope people realize that some of them do.

Entering the prison never made her nervous. In some ways it made her feel secure. There was a sense of satisfaction seeing how her work kept criminals off the streets. Today was the first day she ever felt disconcerted as she stepped through the prison doors.

She removed Noah from his infant carrier to pass through security. Noah must have felt the tension radiating off of her, because he became fussy and upset. She felt worse when she was unable to soothe him.

Elliot hesitantly stood in the background, but when Noah began to all out wail he stepped closer. His hand gently rested on the small of her back, and he spoke close to her ear. "Let me take him for a few minutes. I'll give him back when we get to the visitation room."

She eyed him hesitantly. Everything within her resisted handing over the baby, but she knew Noah's screaming wasn't helping her nerves. "Okay," her voice shook. She tenderly kissed the baby's head before handing him off to Elliot.

Elliot looped his arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to her temple. "It's going to be fine. Everything will be fine."

He remained close so Noah could remain within her line of sight. He settled with Elliot fairly quickly, laying his head onto Elliot's broad shoulder. "You're good little buddy. You're just fine," he spoke softly to Noah as he bounced and swayed.

Once Noah quieted, they began their trek down the hall. Olivia felt her heart tearing open with every step. She tried to breathe. God knew she couldn't have an ulcer reopen. She needed to get her stress under control.

Elliot's arm brushed against hers as they walked, a sort of reassurance that he was there for her. Somehow he remained calm through the ordeal thus far, and she was grateful. She needed some grounding and she wasn't sure if she could do any of this without him.

They approached the door and stopped. She could feel his eyes on her, and she tried to seem like she wasn't completely coming to pieces.

"You say when," he murmured.

She nodded. "Okay. I think I'm ready." She turned towards Elliot and extended her arms so she could take Noah. Now that he was calm he happily returned to her arms. She wondered for a moment about how confusing this could all be for an infant. He didn't understand what was going on. He had no idea that todays meeting could completely change the trajectory of his life…again.

Elliot reached for the door handle and pulled the door open so Olivia could step into the room. She swallowed deeply and stepped forward. Her eyes scanned the room until they landed on Ellie and the social worker.

Ellie's eyes were flooded with tears and she looked like she had been crying for a while. Elliot's hand that had remained glued to her lower back dropped as he stepped to the corner of the room. He seemed nervous, but this had been their agreement. He could come if he stood in the background.

He gave her a nod of encouragement before she moved to the table where Ellie sat. Ellie's hand flew to her mouth as Olivia approached. The social worker patted her arm in a half assed attempt to comfort the young mother.

When Olivia looked at Ellie she was struck by how young the girl was. She had to be in her late teens maybe early twenties. She looked younger than the previous day. She sat, sober and make-up free, and Olivia realized that she was only barely more than a child. The realization made her more sympathetic somehow. She was a victim, and Olivia worked with victims of sexual violence everyday. She realized that this girl was as much a victim of sex abuse as the women who sought her out. She wasn't the enemy. She was a survivor.

Ellie stood hesitantly, but didn't reach out for Noah. Olivia realized that Ellie saw her as an authority figure, and was probably terrified. Olivia intentionally softened her features to become more approachable, and turned Noah so she now held him belly out. Ellie took another tentative step forward, but still didn't reach for the baby. Noah squirmed, and tried to bury his face back into the safety of Olivia's chest. "He's a little shy around new people," she said, but added, "or unfamiliar people."

Ellie nodded in quiet understanding, but Olivia knew she need to force the issue whether Noah seemed uncomfortable or not. She lifted Noah so he faced her. His hand immediately shot to his hair and began twirling the curl there. She bit her lip as she watched her son try to self soothe through the uncomfortable situation. She sighed. "Hold him facing out. He will be more comfortable if he can see me."

Ellie nodded and Olivia shifted the baby into the younger woman's arms. Her eyes remained glued to Noah's in an attempt to quietly reassure him.

Ellie's eyes began to water, but she managed to hold back her sobs. She dropped a soft kiss onto the top of Noah's curls. "I can't believe it's you." She whispered. "I thought I lost you. I thought…" she swallowed back another wave of tears. "I thought you were gone forever."

Olivia stood there, not quite knowing how to react. This was Noah's mother. She didn't carelessly throw him away. He was stolen from her, and while she obviously lacked the support or skills to currently care for a child, she loved him. She loved him in a way that only a mother could, and Olivia felt torn. She wanted to support this woman, this victim, on her journey to regain custody of her son, but everything within her resisted. Noah may have this woman's blood, but he had Olivia's heart.

-000-

Elliot hung back. His arms crossed and uncrossed as he fought the impulse to step in and save Olivia from all of this. Everything inside of him wanted to swoop over, pick up his son, and take him home.

He leaned against the wall and tried to relax, but watching Olivia hand their baby off to a complete stranger was almost too much.

He watched Olivia's body language. She was a master at masking discomfort, but she couldn't hide from him. He could almost feel her buzz of anxiety where he stood. He wished there was something he could do, anything he could do, to change this for her, but he couldn't. This was something he couldn't protect her from, and it hurt like hell.

-000-

"Tell me about him. You've had him since he was found right?" Both women had sat down, and Ellie held Noah on her lap. "He was so," her voice grew thick with emotion, "tiny when I..I lost him. And look how big he is! He can almost sit on his own!" Light brimmed from the young woman's eyes. The pride of a mother.

"He's a good baby. He's so smart." Olivia couldn't contain the smile that always took over when she bragged about Noah. "Almost too smart," she chuckled. "He rolls everywhere and will grab anything he can get his hands on, and I mean it's not like there's a lot he can reach, but our dog hasn't quite gotten used to his hair pulling."

"Oh no," Ellie's eyes dropped to the pudgy baby on her lap. She brushed a hand over his downy curls. "You have a dog?"

Ellie seemed pleased with the thought so Olivia elaborated. "Yeah. Frannie. She's a total mutt but we all love her."

"All?" Ellie questioned, like she hadn't considered Noah's family beyond Olivia and herself.

Olivia explained their unique living situation. "Frannie is actually my roommate's dog, but we all kind of claim her. You've actually met her, detective Rollins?" She asked, interested to see if Ellie remembered Amanda.

"Yeah. She's the blonde officer right?" Ellie seemed genuinely pleased that another cop was a part of her child's life.

Olivia took a breath and glanced over at Elliot tucked back in the corner of the room. "Um, yeah, that's her. She's really great. She loves being Noah's aunt Amanda."

"I love that," Ellie smiled peacefully. "I love that he had such great people to care for him…when I…when I couldn't."

Olivia felt an unexpected wave of affection for Ellie. She obviously wanted the best for Noah. She wanted him to have a good life. She wanted him to be happy.

"Anyone else?" Ellie questioned. She followed Olivia's gaze to Elliot.

"Yeah, uh." She hated trying to label Elliot for anyone. It was weird. He was so much more than her boyfriend. "Detective Stabler over there." Olivia tilted her head in Elliot's direction. "He's uh, my,"

"Boyfriend?" Ellie said the word for her.

"Yeah. He works in counterterrorism now, but he worked in SVU with me for a lot of years." That was about as much detail as she wanted to give, but Ellie pressed for more.

"Oooo so a workplace thing?" Olivia was once again struck with how young this woman was. She still seemed so inexperienced with life…at least the good parts.

Olivia shifted uncomfortably, but gave the quickest possible answer, "No not really. It's a little complicated, but we're together now."

Ellie's eyes drifted over to Elliot again. "He looks…intense…and uh kinda intimidating."

Olivia let out a light laugh. "He seems like that at first. It's all that brooding energy," Olivia chuckled again. "But he is…" everything. "He's a good man."

Ellie nodded her understanding. "I wish I had something like that. Someone I guess. It's probably pretty obvious I don't pick winners."

Olivia reached out a comforting hand. "You'll get there. You're taking the right steps now." A thought slipped out before she had a second to think. "Noah's father?"

She instantly filled with guilt when Ellie's face whitened. "I um."

Olivia hurried to do damage control, "that was stupid of me to even ask. It's not my business. God I'm sorry."

"No no." She kissed the baby's head. "It's fine. You uh. You've done so much for him." She took a slow breath. "Um, I don't know for sure. In the beginning…I guess it's just hard to say who it might have been." Ellie's head dropped in shame, and Olivia instantly regretted losing the question. Olivia knew exactly how pimps "broke a bitch" and she hated that she brought up that trauma.

"Hey," she reassured softly. She dropped a hand to Ellie's elbow. "You did what you had to do okay. No one's going to judge you here."

Ellie's eyes watered, "I'm really glad Noah found you."

Olivia breathed out a long breath to control her emotion. "I'm glad he found us too."

Ellie's eyes flicked to Elliot again. "Can I," she hesitated, "can I meet your guy?"

Olivia sensed her hesitance, "are you sure? He understands that it might be…I don't know.. hard for you. He's fine doing whatever. He's just here for me." She felt herself rambling. She wasn't really expecting to introduce Elliot to Ellie.

"No it's okay," Ellie said more firmly. "If he's a part of Noah's life, I want to know him too. Or at least know who he is I guess."

Olivia's heart swelled again, at Ellie's concern for Noah. She wanted to know he was safe, and she wanted to know the people in his life. Olivia was having a really hard time hating her.

As if he sensed them talking about him, Elliot's gaze wandered towards them. She waved him over, and he looked at her skeptically. She waved him over again, and this time he complied, a look of confusion still plastered across his face.

"Detective Stabler, this is Ellie. She wanted to meet you." Elliot's eyes remained on Liv, still trying to read the situation.

He turned his attention back to the young woman who still held Noah in her lap. "Uh yeah. I'm Detective Stabler…" he hesitated and she realized he wasn't sure what he was supposed to say beyond the introduction. Olivia had made it very clear he was to stay in the background so he wasn't prepared for the introduction.

"Ellie wanted to meet, uh, the people who have been caring for Noah."

A look of enlightenment crossed his face as he finally caught up with the situation. "Um yeah. It's me and Liv. And then Amanda and her dog…" he was clearly uncomfortable.

As if to save him from an awkward conversation, or at the very least give him something to do with his hands, Noah reached for Elliot insistently. Ellie happily handed off the baby, "He obviously likes you," she observed.

Elliot grinned at Noah who instantly grinned back, "Yeah we are pals."

Olivia noted the slightly wistful look on Ellie's face as she watched Elliot with her son. Olivia was always struck over how big Elliot seemed when he held an infant in his arms. But it wasn't just that, there was something about Elliot that made him seem like a bullet proof shield when holding a baby. It was like no place in the world was more safe than in his arms.

Just then, a buzzer sound filled the room, indicating that visiting time was over. Elliot turned back to Ellie to allow her a proper goodbye.

Ellie reached out and took Noah's hands in hers and brought his tiny knuckles to her lips. "Bye baby boy." Her eyes watered as she stepped away.

Olivia, Elliot and Noah were guided out of the room first, and just before the door shut she snuck a peek over her shoulder to see Ellie, hand covering her mouth in a futile attempt to muffle her sobs. She walked silently down the hallway, shoulder to shoulder with Elliot. The visit left her feeling shaken, and unsure. She didn't know what was right anymore.