Chapter Thirty-Four - It's You And Me
Disclaimer: Chase This Light With Me by Jimmy Eat World
Harry was beyond furious at Severus Snape, he was pissed, he was hurt and he felt so deeply betrayed by the one person who was supposed to…no…no… He promised, Severus didn't have to, but he did… He promised to protect Harry, promised to love him and be there for him as a father should for a son.
Severus… How could he? While knowing… While keeping this terrible secret of his past….
And the old mantra that Harry used to live by before he'd torn down his brick wall for Severus, the words he used to repeat in his head over and over and over… To protect himself, to protect his heart from breaking again, from going through any more loss and pain and hurt and disappointment caused by adults who were supposed to take care of him…
Don't trust adults, the ones who are supposed to care for you… The ones who are supposed to love you, protect you… All they do is lie and keep secrets… You're better off hiding behind that wall of yours, where they can't touch you, can't hurt you, can't lie to you, can't abandon you…
The voice was loud in his head, inner thoughts that Harry had managed to shove away with each brick knocked from his wall… Now, it was back. Now it was wrapping its tendrils around his mind. It was so very loud that he wanted to take his head in his hands and scream. And Harry could imagine his crumbled wall. New bricks forming out of trust that was broken, out of anger and hurt and underneath it all, he wanted to understand… Why? Harry hated secrets, he hated being left in the dark, especially when those secrets involved him. Severus should've told him. Why couldn't he have just told him?
Harry's hands shook.
He wanted to cut. The feeling was there, an itch that needed to be scratched.
The pain inside, it burned and it burned and it burned and it needed to be controlled, needed to be felt from his flesh and not internally. He needed the pain out of his heart, out of his chest, needed it out so he could just feel it hurt anywhere else then deep inside…where maybe, it could hurt less.
Harry was so angry at Severus. He'd never been this angry at him before and it scared him.
Severus lied.
He kept secrets this whole time.
Why couldn't he just confide in Harry?
Then maybe, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.
Severus Snape was the reason why Harry's parents were dead.
Harry had run into Professor Trelawney on the way to Dumbledore's office. It had taken all he had to not drop the tiny phial of Slughorn's memory that was clenched tightly in his fist as Professor Trelawney told Harry about her interview for the Divination position sixteen years ago, how it was interrupted by a young Severus who was eavesdropping at the door, hearing a part of the prophecy she'd just foretold in front of Dumbledore; that very reason to her being hired… The prophecy…
Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…
The prophecy… It was the prophecy that changed Harry's life forever… The very one that Severus had taken straight to Voldemort that day, causing it to go into effect, causing Voldemort to go after Harry and his mom and dad in Godric's Hollow sixteen years ago.
And while hearing all of this, all Harry could think about was how he was supposed to be in Severus' quarters, sitting at the kitchen table with Remus and Severus, his dads, and having dinner with them at that very moment… Not here… Not hearing from Professor Trelawney how Severus had betrayed Lily Potter, had led her to her death.
Harry had just succeeded in completing Dumbledore's task on retrieving Slughorn's memory, and at the time, Harry was hoping that Severus would understand his absence, that he wouldn't be too angry or hurt over something this important… Harry was even preparing an apology… Now, he didn't care about any of that anymore. And a part of him wished that he'd chosen to go to his dad's quarters instead of drinking Felix Felices that evening, which only led Harry to that very conversation with Professor Trelawney in the sixth-floor corridor. Then he would've remained in the perfect bliss of never finding out Severus' terrible secret.
And Harry wondered… Was it this? Was this the thing that he would see in Severus' eyes sometimes? It had to be… The thing that Severus had been keeping secret, why he refused to confide about… The very reason why Harry had such a hard time trusting Severus at first… It was this… This terrible secret… He led Voldemort to my mom and dad, to me…
This whole time… This whole time Harry was living with the person responsible for the death of his parents. If Severus hadn't taken the prophecy to Voldemort, then that night would never have happened. That night in Godric's Hollow, Severus may not have been there, he wasn't the one who aimed the killing curse at Lily and James Potter, but in a sense, he was there. He was right there alongside Voldemort with his wand pointed at them as well.
Harry's heart broke at that dark thought swirling around in his head. Bricks building back up, forming a new wall. How could Severus have kept something that important from him? How was Severus able to grow close to Harry, allowing Harry to break down his red brick wall for him and learn to trust when trusting an adult as a guardian was such a difficult and fragile thing for Harry to do? Knowing the devastation he had caused to Harry's life, all for Voldemort… Harry realized that Severus' actions were the very reason why he was orphaned and shipped off the Dursleys, having to bear years of abuse from them.
How was Severus able to look Harry in the eye, able to tell Harry that he loved him and that Harry was his son…his kid… To trust him…that Harry was safe with him… To have Harry tear down his wall… To trust and trust and trust, knowing what he had done… That Harry's life had been hell, that his childhood had been lost because of what Severus had done… Why did he do it? Why did Severus take Harry in when he had hated him so much? Was it all out of pity? This whole time… Was it a way to make up for the horror of what he'd caused? Severus killed Harry's parents…he killed them…he killed them… It was all Harry could think about, the words repeating over and over and over….
And there was Albus Dumbledore, in his office, vouching for Severus Snape, as always!
Why couldn't Severus have just told Harry the truth? Harry understood that it was years ago, Severus was young, he wasn't that boy anymore… Trying to remember that, trying to understand, grasping for anything that could take away the hurt… There were so many moments, so many moments that Severus should have taken, and maybe…maybe learning about this secret, this terrible truth, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if it would've come from Severus… Why did he keep it from Harry? Why did he lie with secrets… Secrets and lies and being kept in the dark… Why did Severus lie? Why did he lie, lie, lie, lie? Allowing Harry to find out about it from Professor Trelawney of all people? Did anyone else know about this other than Dumbledore, Severus, Trelawney and Voldemort? Did Remus know too or has Severus kept it a secret from him as well?
And it hurt, it hurt and it hurt, and Harry's hands were still shaking, and he still wanted to scream and find Severus and demand him to answer all of the questions swirling around in his head, forming his red brick wall back up, strong and sturdy once again, to demand him to speak the truth. No more secrets, no more lies, no more being kept in the dark. Tell the truth and maybe, maybe the wall would crumble back down. Tell Harry the reason why there was always fear and regret in Severus' eyes when he thought no one was looking at him.
But Dumbledore was right. They had a mission tonight. Those ice-blue eyes grounded Harry back from his spiral, and he knew that Dumbledore knew the terrible chaos going on inside his head, bricks reforming and building, stacking on top of one another. Dumbledore called Harry back to him.
They had a mission tonight. Harry had to keep himself grounded, remain level-headed. Horcruxes… That was what was important right now. Harry forced himself to push it all away and stopped his hands from shaking, stopped thinking, stopped feeling the pain and anger and betrayal inside of his chest and in his heart, and how it must all be controlled.
Don't trust adults, especially the ones who are supposed to love you, care for you as a parent and guardian should… They only hurt you, leave you, lie to you… But Harry couldn't exactly live by that mantra anymore, even though it was so tempting to succumb back into it. Because he had to still trust Dumbledore, not just for tonight, but because of the war and horcruxes, the end of Voldemort and the prophecy. And he still had Remus to trust, because he was his papa, the one who would always fight for him… And Severus… Harry didn't know anymore… He didn't know… He was angry, hurt, betrayed, but he wanted to know why. And that stopped his wall from completion. It stopped building, standing half-done… Angry, hurt and betrayed, but willing to listen.
Once Harry was calm, Dumbledore explained to him about their mission tonight and sent him to grab his Invisibility Cloak, to meet him at the top of the Astronomy tower.
Dumbledore was taking Harry with him on a mission tonight! He felt a surge of bittersweet excitement go through him, along with a strong readiness for what the night may bring. Long were the days when the prophecy scared Harry, when it felt like nothing but a heavy weight on his shoulders that threatened to drown him underwater. Harry was ready, he was ready to finally start contributing to the war, ready to take a step closer to Voldemort's downfall.
And Harry was now racing through the corridors, cloak stuffed in the pocket of his robes, his mind racing as fast as his feet could carry him, with missions and horcruxes, with what tonight may bring for him and Dumbledore. Not allowing himself to think anymore about the hurt and betrayal and anger coursing through him as well, of shaking hands and needing to cut, of dads with secrets and dads who lie, dads with unexplained and secretive grief and regret shining in dark obsidian eyes….
When Severus arrived at the top of the Astronomy tower, trying not to bring attention to his heavy breathing from the climb up the winding staircase and feeling that perhaps he was getting too old for going up these damn staircases, Severus found Albus dressed in his traveling cloak. His back was turned towards Severus, looking out over the ledge and out at the view of the grounds and the sun almost completing its descent with violet and orange streaks. Albus had his hands resting on the ledge, and from where Severus was standing, he could just make out the headmaster's black and lifeless hand, a reminder of the curse that had sentenced Albus' life.
And peering at Albus a bit more closer before taking another step, before alerting his arrival to the headmaster, even though Severus was sure that Albus already knew he was there and he was just waiting for Severus to announce himself, Severus wondered if Albus was okay. The past few nights they had spoken, Albus had been a bit frail, a bit more weaker, his hands often shaking. Pain and exhaustion would sometimes flash in his electric-blue eyes. Severus never addressed those slip-ups, maybe he should've… Maybe he should've been more understanding, stop being so angry at him for what has to happen, what Albus was making him do. Because no matter what happens, no matter what plays out, Albus was dying and Severus felt his heart squeeze with hurt and loss over his mentor.
Then Severus wondered why he was called up here, he wondered if this was it… If this was the moment… He wasn't ready, he realized with panic. He had hardly said a proper goodbye to Remus, and he had no idea where Harry was at the moment or even knew why his kid never showed up for dinner as promised. Severus stuffed his suddenly trembling hands in the pockets of his robes, suddenly holding his breath, holding on to his wand, trying to be ready.
Then Albus turned, and he smiled to Severus' surprise. "You still have a bit of time, Severus. You can take a breath. I've only called you to give you the answers you've been wanting."
And Severus did just that, letting a breath out slowly. Albus stood there, watching him, and for a moment, for a moment it looked to Severus that he was strong again… And it was too much to ask if this could just be some crazy nightmare and Severus could wake up. He would wake up and Albus would be strong, his lifeless hand no longer lifeless. That Albus didn't have to die, that Severus didn't have to be the one to end his life. Was it too much to ask the universe to allow Severus to just wake up?
"Besides what I have to tell you, I'm afraid I have rather unfortunate news for you."
Severus sighed with defeat at that. Apparently, it was too much.
But there was just a bit of hope in him still, Severus couldn't help but ask, "Have your plans to have me murder you changed?"
Albus shook his head with a sad chuckle. "I'm glad that you haven't lost your fighting spirit, Severus. You'll need it in the days to come."
"Spit it out, Albus," Severus snapped with impatience.
"Harry found out about you being the one to overhear Sybill's prophecy and taking it straight to Voldemort, resulting in the Potter's deaths."
Severus suddenly couldn't speak, he couldn't breathe, he could barely register what Albus was telling him.
"What?" Severus managed to hiss out. "What did you say?"
"Harry found out, Severus, he knows it was you who…"
"I know what you said!" Severus suddenly shouted with anger and shock and worry for his son, how he must be taking such news. And where is he? Merlin, I hope this doesn't trigger an episode! The memory of a pale hand in the corridor, blood pooling around and the gleam of a rusted nail. He had to find Harry. "How?! How the bloody hell did he find out? Who told him!"
Albus explained how Harry had come up to his office, looking and sounding very upset, how his hands were clenched into tight fists. "He was very upset, angry, and asked me why I still trusted you. I was able to calm him down and sent him to get his Invisibility Cloak, he's going to need it tonight. When we return, I'm expecting the castle to be breached by Death Eaters. Harry said that Sybill heard cheering in the Room of Requirement, that means your spell on the cabinet worked, Draco has succeeded in fixing it. It won't be long now, Severus. As soon as Harry and I leave, I want you to start securing each common room, make sure no student is out of bed. Keep them safe, and I want you to be ready to answer my call. We'll meet back here."
Severus nodded once at the instructions, going over what the headmaster said in his head, then he realized…
"I might have heard you incorrectly… As soon as you and Harry leave? Where the fuck are you taking my kid?" Severus asked with anger and disbelief and worry.
Realizing if Albus was taking Harry with him, then Severus won't be able to see him or have time to talk to him about his role in the Potter's deaths. Harry must now already think of Severus as a murderer, a traitor and after tonight…once the task was done… Harry would have his proof. It was done. They were done. And Remus was right. Severus should have told Harry the truth sooner, rather than wait for it to blow up in Severus' face.
"I gave Harry a task a few months ago, and tonight he has finally succeeded. A memory was all I needed from Slughorn, confirming everything I've been working on… It was the last piece of the puzzle I should say," Albus chuckled. "And Harry showed me tonight that he is ready to learn what I have been doing all year and why. He is ready to join me on one last mission, that way he can take over what I have started for him once I am gone."
"Every time you leave the castle, what have you been doing? Tell me, Albus, tell me everything. Don't you think I of all people deserve to know? Especially now that you're putting Harry into possible danger tonight."
"You are right, Severus, you are right… You do deserve to know, the time is now right… This is the last conversation we should ever have… I've been searching for Horcruxes… There are seven."
And with that, the world seemed to sway and suddenly everything about the Dark Lord slipped into place. Severus should have known, he should have known, or perhaps even suspected it… The reason why the Dark Lord was so undefeatable, why his body had grown as deformed and grotesque as his very soul, the red eyes, the snake-like appearance… The fact of why he did not die as he should have sixteen years ago… It all made sense, perfect sense, and now knowing this, Severus felt like he was drowning in the darkest part of the sea, trying to find a light, trying to cling onto hope and when he finally spotted the white glow, it was only from a monstrous fish, the ones that swam in the darkest parts of the sea. There was no hope, it was all in vain to even try… Not when the Dark Lord has split his soul into seven.
Albus explained it all to Severus, it grounded him back to reality, brought him back to the surface. A matter of business, it was always just business, the war…nothing else… And how he'd been preparing Harry for it all along…
Seven horcruxes… And even if Harry found them, how would they be destroyed? When Severus voiced his worry over that, Albus told him about the sword of Gryffindor, where the real one was hidden, its blade once soaked in Basilisk blood, and what he expected Severus to do with it to make sure it went to Harry.
Tom Riddle's diary and the ring were already found and destroyed, the reason why Albus' hand was cursed, killing him so slowly and painfully. Slytherin's locket that Albus was retrieving with Harry tonight… That was three down… And the others, the ones not yet found… Helga Hufflepuff's cup, the lost diadem of Ravenclaw, and the one that was for now unreachable, Nagini, the Dark Lord's precious pet snake… And Severus realized that was only six… Only six horcruxes… What was the seventh?
Severus was afraid to ask the question to Albus. A small part of him knew, he knew but he wouldn't allow himself to think any further of it.
"That's only six, Albus, only six…" Severus only managed to choke out, his voice shaking, his knees trembling, his head spinning from all of the heavy information and instructions Albus had been throwing onto his shoulders.
Albus' face then grew very somber. "There's a reason, Severus, a reason why Harry could speak to snakes… Why he's connected to the Dark Lord in ways we cannot explain… The very reason why Harry didn't die that night nor Voldemort and all that was left was a scar…"
Severus closed his eyes as Albus explained everything, and shock, paralyzing shock took over. This conversation, this night, this moment wasn't real… This couldn't be happening… Harry… His son… His son was the seventh horcrux… And then a thought formed in Severus' head, a horrible realization that filled his stomach with such heavy dread and horror that made him want to hurl his guts out…
"Albus, if you're right… If what you're saying is true… If Harry is the last horcrux, and the only way for the Dark Lord to be defeated is to…" And Severus stopped, he couldn't finish…
Albus nodded, knowing perfectly what Severus was trying to ask him.
Severus shook his head, "No, no!" His eyes were burning, his vision suddenly blurry and he brought his shaking hands to his face, rubbing at his eyes. This was a nightmare, a bloody nightmare. This wasn't happening. This conversation wasn't happening!
"No!"
"Severus…"
"No, no, you're telling me that Harry must die!"
Severus stalked over to Albus, face to face, peering straight into those electric blue eyes. He could just push Albus off the tower right now, at that very moment… Albus wanted Severus to kill him, he could just do it, away from witnesses, that way Severus could take the chance to cut his losses, gather Harry and Remus and run. Hideout somewhere in rural country, or maybe somewhere out of the entire country, live out the rest of their days in cowardice hiding, but that didn't matter as long as they had each other, as long as it saved Harry's life.
"Severus, listen to me!"
"The reason for all of this! Everything! It was all for Harry to survive and have a future! That was the only thing that kept me going, kept me from taking him and going into hiding, following through your crazy plans! And this whole time, you knew I was living on false hope, that there was never a chance for him! You knew Harry wasn't going to see the end of this war! You knew! What was the point to all of this? Albus! Why the fuck are we doing this! I was doing this for her, Harry's her son, Lily… I was doing this for her, I've made her a promise that I would watch over her son!"
And Albus' eyes filled with grief from the broken pain and heartache in Severus' voice as he said her name.
"I knew you two were very close friends, but I never thought that you loved her to that extent. This whole time, I thought you agreed to watch over Harry because I had asked of it from you… That you were only simply trying to make up for…"
Severus shook his head, not allowing Albus to finish. It was more than that… It was more than that tragic night… The memory of himself holding Harry as a baby and Lily's voice ringing in his ear… If anything should happen… Watch over him… Severus, do you promise?... Harry's tiny fist closed tightly around Severus' finger. Big green eyes staring up at him. And his heart filled with so much grief and hurt that suddenly it began to overspill, and before Severus knew it, he was shouting out, "Expecto Patronum!" A happy memory… The very last time they'd spoken, Harry nestled into his arms, a tiny fist wrapped around his finger.
A silver doe pranced around the Astronomy tower, illuminating them in silver.
Albus looked at Severus in shock as the doe faded away.
"Why, Severus? After all this time? Even after moving on… I would think your patronus would be a wolf now…to match your love for Remus, your Animagus form…"
Severus didn't have the energy to ask how the mad old coot knew about his Animagus form.
"Always…" was all he could say.
His patronus…everything… It was always all for Lily…to keep her baby safe… Severus' promise to her.
Albus looked at Severus with a newfound pity and sorrow and guilt that Severus very much hated. He couldn't speak. His hands shaking, tightening around his wand, just to keep himself standing, from buckling to his knees and begging Albus to just kill him.
"I'm sorry, Severus, I know that nothing I could say can make this right for you and for Harry. When the time comes I need you to tell him…"
And as Albus spoke, Severus started to pull himself together, listening how sixteen years ago, a part of the Dark Lord's soul had attached itself to Harry's own, a small fragment that linked them together and when the time was right, when the Dark Lord begins to fear for the life of his snake it was time… That Harry must make a choice, but Severus couldn't help but wonder if his son really did have a choice? He knew Harry… Severus knew him, he knew what Harry would choose…
"When that time comes, I need you to tell Harry all of this…"
"Harry doesn't have a choice! What do you think he'll do without even sparing a thought about it?! Of course he's going to fucking do it! No, Albus, no, I can't! I can't tell him that he must sacrifice himself!"
"Severus, you must, you gave me your word sixteen years ago, you gave me your soul, that you would aid me in the defeat of Voldemort no matter what it takes, no matter the sacrifices. This is the very last thing I'll ask of you, and then you are free from my service. It'll all be over."
"How would I even tell Harry this? After tonight, he's going to want me dead!"
"Harry will still love you. You'll find your chance."
Severus couldn't say anything in return, the shock of it all, and what Albus was asking him to do… To tell Harry that he must sacrifice himself… Telling his son that he must die to defeat the Dark Lord….
"It's the only way to end all of this… Believe me, I've tried researching other theories, forming different plans that wouldn't lead to this… But none of them worked…none of them were right… Severus, this is the only way. This is what the prophecy meant…"
With those words, Severus finally snapped out of his shock, anger running through his veins and he was seeing red.
"You've been working on this theory for years, you've been training Harry this whole time, since he's stepped a foot into Hogwarts, only so he could die at the right moment? Only so he could die for your great plan!" Severus spat. "Like raising a fucking pig for slaughter! And you want me to help you, no, you're forcing me to help you! To make sure that in the end Harry knows what to do? Let me get this straight, Albus, first, I must betray my son in the worst possible way by murdering you, and then when the war is at its darkest point, I have to be the one to tell Harry that there is no hope for him, that this whole time he was destined to die for the war, that he has to choose to die for it all to end? Fuck you! Fuck you, Albus, all the way to fucking hell!"
Albus didn't flinch. "That is certainly right."
Severus stormed closer to Albus, that way they were face to face. He was pretty sure the anger, the pain, the fear for tonight, for what was to come was storming in his dark eyes, as he said, "Why did you let me pick him up at Privet Drive? Why did you let me adopt him? Why did you allow me to love him as my son, as if he were my own flesh and blood, if you knew all of this was going to happen! Why did you make this hurt more?! Why did you make this harder? I was happy on my own, Albus, and if you would've just left me alone then I think I would've been okay to follow it all through with you, ready to die for you, ready to be a traitor for you, to sacrifice, to do everything you ask without a single fucking complaint! I would've done it all like a perfect little soldier! And you only made this harder! Albus, for me to do this to Harry, and to Remus, to betray them…and then tell Harry that he must choose to die! Don't you care? Don't you fucking get it, how fucking messed up this all is?!"
"Of course I do, of course I do, Severus, and I'm sorry for putting this all on you… I just wanted you to have something worth fighting for. I wanted you to experience the one thing you were cheated out on your whole entire life…"
Albus reached up. He was a few inches shorter than Severus, gently holding the side of Severus' face, his blue eyes full of grief and sorrow and regret as he continued speaking, "After everything you've done, everything you sacrificed for the war, for me, love, Severus, I just wanted to give you lovein return."
A few tears slipped from Severus' eyes and Albus wiped it away with a calloused thumb. He was sure that Albus could hear Severus' heart breaking, could see it in his eyes and feel it in the warmth of his tears.
"And now having love, feeling it, loving in return, knowing everything you know, everything I've revealed to you and what you have to do, what Harry has to decide to do… If you had a chance to change things, to prevent yourself from getting to know Harry and adopting him, from falling in love with Remus, would you take it? Would you give them up so things could be easier? To fight this war alone, knowing not a soul once loved you?"
"No… No matter what happens, I could never give them up," Severus choked out. "But they won't know…about any of this, I'm still going to do this alone."
"They will one day," Albus said.
Severus pulled himself away from Albus' grasp, wiping away his tears.
"Severus, I've made mistakes too…just like you… Mistakes so terrible that it was impossible to think of ever continuing to live life normally again. I'm not perfect and neither are you, and we must power through our faults, let our mistakes make us better versions of ourselves."
"What are you bloody talking about?" Severus could only mutter with defeat and heartache.
"I'm saying that we are so much alike, me and you, don't you see that? Just like you, I was once young and foolish, arrogant, desperate to belong somewhere and be recognized for the potential I'm capable of… Like you, I too had an unhappy home-life…and I too had a best friend, who at the time seemed like the only one who understood me. I would've given anything for them, you see I loved him just as much as you were in love with Lily, and it made me forget what was important, who was important… Like you, Severus, I have demons locked away as well and like you I have been spending the last few decades trying to make up for the damage I've caused. Sacrificing myself for the greater good, it is my choice and don't think of it as murdering me, think of it as doing me a favor. It really is the only way, and if you can't see it that way, then do it for Lily, for Harry, for Remus… Trust me on this plan, trust me when I say that everything is going to turn out okay."
"You sound crazy, you mad old coot," Severus muttered.
"Indeed I do," Albus chuckled. "Now this prophecy is going to happen whether you like it or not. It is up to us, Severus, me and you, to get this started. Me and you to make sure this war end with our side defeating Voldemort. If he manages to beat us, then all of our sacrifices would be in vain and all of our efforts wasted."
"I can't have Harry's life be a sacrifice!"
Albus sighed, "It all really comes down to choice. All you have to do is explain all this to Harry and then let him decide what he wants to do. Like I've said, trust me, Severus. It's going to be okay."
"Albus…" Severus pleaded.
"It starts with you and me," the headmaster only said with a solemn blue gaze.
And Severus didn't know what else to say anymore. All of the fight had gone out of him, like a flame being snuffed out, all of his anger vanishing like smoke. Albus was right. He was right, and Severus didn't know what to feel anymore. He was numb, and what was the point to all of this? So that the Dark Lord could be defeated for once and for all? That the wizarding world could finally know peace? And with his heart breaking, Severus realized it was a world where he and Harry might not be able to see, where their little family would not be able to exist in.
Severus ran a hand through his hair, pushing the curtains of his dark locks away from his face as he sighed out with defeat, avoiding those annoying blue eyes. Harry had a choice, it all came down to him, and Severus wished so desperately that he could protect him from that, from having to make such a choice, but Albus was right. This prophecy was already playing out, destiny was taking its course and there was really nothing they could do to stop it from happening, only make sure that they did everything they could so it could end in their favor, the ending that Albus was hoping for… If it really was the only best case scenario, if it really was going to be okay, Severus had to trust Albus completely. And the anger Severus had for the headmaster, the resentment…it all faded away, leaving him with unbearable grief…
Albus pulled Severus into a hug. Severus stiffened at first, immediately closing himself off from such a comforting gesture, but then what did it matter anymore? Severus forced his body to relax and wrapped his arms around Albus, hugging him back.
After all of this time, after every argument, everything that Albus forced him to do… Severus was grateful for it. It made him better. Albus made him better, even though Severus had fought him every step of the way and he hugged his old mentor tighter for a brief moment.
"Albus, I…"
"I know, Severus… I know…"
"Does this make me a terrible person, a terrible father to Harry for agreeing to still do everything you've asked? Knowing that it would lead to him…"
"No, Severus, no… Harry is going to be okay."
"Is that a promise?"
"I'll take it to my grave."
They then pulled apart, and there was an overwhelming bout of pride and sorrow in Albus' eyes that Severus had to look away. He faced the stone ledge, looking up at the twinkling stars that seemed so very cold despite the warm weather. This was the very last time they would stand together, and anything else Severus wanted to say to Albus got painfully caught in his throat.
"You don't have to say anything else," was all Albus said, and Severus had to discreetly wipe away a few more tears.
Footsteps suddenly interrupted the silence between them, they both turned around to see Harry emerging from the staircase.
One look at Severus and he saw the anger, hurt and betrayal on Harry's face. It broke Severus, and for some reason, he couldn't help but remember the last time they were up here on the Astronomy tower together, never again would they have a moment like that now. It was over, it was all over, and Severus wasn't sure if he could actually follow through with Albus' task. Hopelessness, hopelessness and fear so heavy and dark suddenly weighed down on him, threatening to swallow him whole. A gentle hand suddenly squeezed his shoulder, chasing the darkness away. Severus looked at Albus, at his calm gaze, and he was able to pull himself together.
He looked back at Harry, stepping towards him. "Harry, I meant to tell you."
"When?!" Harry spat. "When were you going to tell me? During our camping trip last summer? That would've been nice, or maybe when we spent the holidays at Remus' cabin or one of the many friday dinners we had throughout the year, or even during the last full-moon when we were sitting up here together! Why couldn't you just tell me? And then I wouldn't have had to find out from Professor Trelawney that you are the reason my parents are dead, you led Voldemort straight to them!" Harry's voice echoed across the tower.
Severus stepped closer to him, reaching a hand out. "Harry," was all he could say, his voice pleading for Harry to understand.
Harry saw the gesture, stepping back. "No, get the fuck away from me!" His whole body was shaking, his voice cracked with hurt.
"I meant to tell you, I just didn't know how… I shouldn't have kept the truth from you for so long."
"You're a coward! You were there! You were at the door, listening! You took the prophecy straight to Voldemort! They are dead because of you! I ended up with the Dursleys because of you! They hurt me because of you!"
"Harry, I know… I know the damage I had caused that night, believe me I do and no words or apologies I could ever give you could make up for it, but I will still tell you how deeply sorry I am for what I've done and for not being brave enough to tell you, you are very right in me being a coward, son, please, look at me…"
Harry shook his head, refusing to meet his gaze. His body was shaking so hard and his fists were clenched so very tightly, that Severus knew Harry was digging his nails deep into the palms of his hands, that he was very triggered to cut, and filled with despair, Severus hated that he was the cause of it.
"I trusted you," Harry said, his voice seething.
Severus stepped closer, Harry didn't back away.
"I know…" Severus said, allowing that as a sign to keep stepping closer, to keep talking. "I know, Harry, believe me I know… I didn't mean to break your trust and I'm so very sorry…"
"Why?" Harry demanded.
Severus now stood in front of him. Harry finally, slowly met his gaze.
"I just didn't know how to tell you… I didn't know the prophecy referred to you at the time… I wasn't thinking about how dangerous and precious that information was… I was an idiot…and selfish, and I only cared about climbing up the ranks back then… I didn't know the prophecy would lead the Dark Lord straight to Godric's Hollow. And that night, when it was all over and I found out what I had done, when I found her there… I went straight to Albus and begged him to kill me or even better, to allow the dementors to kiss me. I begged him for it because I didn't deserve an easy and blissful punishment such as death. But instead, Albus had bigger plans for me… That night, I gave him my soul instead of allowing it to be taken by dementors, it's how I became so indebted to him…and still it's not punishment enough, nothing would ever be, because what I did, I've hurt you in the worst way possible…"
Harry's eyes were glistening as Severus spoke, swirls of anger and hurt were the only thing Severus could see in his green eyes. Severus fell to his knees, waiting for him to speak, to just say anything.
"Harry, I am so sorry you were hurt because of my actions, and I'm not asking you to forgive me. I will never ask you of that… I just want you to know how sincere I am for what I've done." As he spoke, Severus reached out and grabbed Harry's hand, gently massaging his hand and prying his nails away from his palm, revealing crescent-shaped marks etched into his skin
"Why couldn't you just tell me?" Harry asked.
"Because you are very right, I am a coward. I was afraid of how you would react to the truth, how you would see me. I was afraid that you may not want me as your dad anymore," Severus admitted, as he took Harry's other hand and applied the same ministrations to get him to relax, to get his nails away from his palm.
Harry suddenly threw himself into Severus' arms. Caught with surprise, Severus held his son tight, closing his eyes, knowing that this was going to be the very last time they hugged each other like this.
"Please, stay safe," Severus said as they hugged. "Do everything Dumbledore tells you to do and no stupid heroic acts either, stay sensible. I want you back in one piece…"
"So we could talk more about this?"
They pulled apart and Severus looked into Harry's eyes that were still full of hurt, and it felt like it was another person who nodded his head, another person who spoke, "Yes, we can continue talking about this when you return."
Severus stood back up, he looked at Harry again and smiled, "I love you, kid, no matter what."
"I love you too, dad," Harry said softly.
And all Severus could do was watch his son leave the safety of the castle with Albus, feeling as if his heart was wrenched out of its place and going along with them.
.
.
Just before Severus went back to his quarters, he did a few rounds around the castle, making sure every student was in bed just as Albus had asked of him, warding the corridors to keep them all safe. And once he was done with that, he went back to his quarters. Now the only thing left to do was wait.
He found Remus asleep, curled up on his sofa with his notebook in his hands, as if he had fallen asleep while writing and waiting for Severus to return. Guilt pooled in Severus' stomach, it seemed like Remus was always waiting for him to return these days. After tonight, he wouldn't have to anymore…
Severus leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips, causing Remus to stir, opening his eyes and blinking sleepily up at him.
"Severus?"
"I apologize for keeping you waiting, let's go to bed?" Because that was all Severus wanted to do, to spend his last few hours holding the man he loved and nothing else.
Remus stretched, Severus couldn't help but admire the way his muscles flexed, the way his old Beatles t-shirt rode up a bit, revealing his waist.
Remus smiled when he caught Severus staring and held a hand out to him so Severus could pull him up to his feet.
"Can we sleep in your bed tonight?" Severus asked.
Remus gave him a peculiar look, "But we're already in your quarters."
"I always sleep easier in your bed with you."
They flood to Remus' quarters, and once they were both settled in bed and Severus was holding Remus against him, golden hair tickling his nose, Remus' fingers intertwined with Severus' own, who asked, "What were you writing tonight?"
"A song I've been working on for you, it's finished."
Severus laid gentle kisses on Remus' face, his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his eyelids.
"I'm honored, can you sing it to me?"
Remus captured Severus' lingering lips, giving him a slow heartfelt kiss that made Severus close his eyes and his heart to melt…to break… Memorizing this kiss, memorizing it and storing it away so that it could be with him when he couldn't sleep at night, couldn't breath, couldn't find the will to live…
"For you, Severus? I'll do anything," Remus whispered against his lips.
Severus pulled away, wondering if Remus would still say that after tonight. He settled deeper into the mattress, burying his face against Remus, feeling the vibrations in his chest as his sleep-filled voice so enchanting, rang out…
"I'm a suspect, I'm a traitor,
I'm only here in body visiting.
Yellow faces in the distance screams,
The beauty is in what isn't said, I'm rising to my feet,
.
Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,
Tonight, oh chase this light with me.
.
My just so, my last call,
My life is yours in your gifted hands.
Confetti rainfall in a quiet street.
These things I've found are special now,
The knot is in my reach,
.
Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,
Tonight, oh chase this light with me…"
While he was singing, Remus nodded off to sleep. Severus just held him closer, basking in the warm weight of him against him. Taking in every detail of this moment.
Severus didn't sleep, even though he should, just for a few moments… But no matter how much his brain was telling him to sleep, he couldn't… he couldn't let this moment end… He felt so trapped underneath the hold of Albus Dumbledore, trapped with the noose around his neck and he couldn't break free, not even for Remus, not even for Harry. Severus wasn't strong enough, and all he could do was just hold Remus close, memorizing the shape of him fitting so perfectly in his arms.
And the hours passed… The only sounds were the tickings of the clock and the soft heavy breathing coming from Remus. Severus was placing soft, loving and grief-filled kisses on every part of Remus that he could reach without disturbing his sleep.
Severus didn't allow himself to think about what was to come anymore. Just focused on Remus' breaths, focused on the softness of his skin against him, the warmth of him. Remus' scent, so sweet and enticing and so comforting, how it made Severus think of coffee and books and chocolate and home. How beautiful his voice had echoed in the room before he'd fallen asleep. Of notebooks and guitars and lyrics that meant more to Severus, hit deep into his soul than Remus would ever know.
The clock struck midnight and Severus let out a shaky breath, leaving a lingering and heartbroken kiss on Remus' forehead, inhaling his scent one more time.
Coffee and books and chocolate and home…
"I'm so sorry for hurting you… I hope…please…forgive me…" Severus whispered, his eyes suddenly burning and his throat aching.
He climbed out of bed, his entire body was shaking. He took one last look at Remus, then reached over and picked up his muggle notebook, flipping through the pages until he found the final draft of the song Remus had sung to him before falling asleep. He ripped out the pages carefully then folded them into the pockets of his pajama pants.
And back in his own quarters, standing in his living room, Severus waited for his death sentence, the noose around his neck felt so very tight, waiting for the stool underneath him to be kicked out from under his feet. Severus had changed out of his pajamas and back into his robes, regretfully taking away the last of the warmth he felt from holding Remus, now all he felt was icy cold fear. He kept his hands in his pockets feeling the papers he tore out from Remus' notebook, giving him straight to keep standing, to not fall to his knees… Remus' voice rang in his head…
Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,
Tonight, oh chase this light with me…
Loud frantic knocking suddenly broke the tense silence of his quarters, chasing Remus' song out of Severus' head, causing him to jump. His heart skipped several beats, he couldn't breathe, he was going to be sick and he never knew his body could shake so hard as it was in that moment. He couldn't answer the knocking, he couldn't find his voice. He had to pull himself together, and he gripped the edge of the sofa so tight that his knuckles grew white.
This was it, he couldn't do it. But he had to… Albus finally kicked the stool from under his feet and now his life was hanging…
"Albus…" Severus pleaded.
"It starts with me and you," the headmaster only said with a solemn blue gaze.
Severus took several deep breaths, closing off his mind, blocking off every emotion going through him that moment. He had to, in order to do what he had to do…
Another round of intense knocking, louder than the first round, snapped Severus back. He flinched, opening his eyes and drawing out his wand. He was ready.
He opened the portrait door, and Flitwick came in with panic etched into his face, his skin white and shiny with sweat and fear.
"Severus! We've been breached! Death Eaters in the castle!"
"Stupefy!" Severus shouted.
The tiny Charms Professor slumped to the floor. Severus stepped over him and immediately left his quarters, leaving the door open so that Flitwick could be found, and he took off straight to the Astronomy tower.
Severus heard the voices as he ran up the circular stairs. Voices encouraging Draco to cast the killing curse at Albus. Albus speaking to Draco, pleading with him. Draco's voice, shaking and full of fear. Cruel familiar laughter that caused the hair in the back of Severus' neck to rise. A familiar growl that made him shake with anger this time, made him climb the stairs faster, his breath coming out hot and heavy and fast from his nose. He couldn't hear Harry and he prayed to Merlin that his son was safe.
With spots clouding his vision, still gasping for breath and trying to get it under control, feeling trickles of sweat rolling down his face and neck, Severus was almost at the top, that when he looked up he could see them from the cracks beneath the floorboards, Bellatrix whispering in Draco's ear. Amycus and Alecto standing behind them on each side, their wands pointed at Albus. Greyback just behind them, baring his fangs and growling.
Severus kept going and just before the last steps, in the small dark space just underneath the floorboards, he found his son. Harry was standing so silent with his wand pointing directly up. He whipped around, facing Severus, terror was etched onto his face, his body shaking. With his wand out, Severus put a finger to his lips, warning Harry to be silent. With wide eyes full of desperate relief and fear, Harry nodded. Severus stepped forward, picking the Invisibility Cloak up from the floor and throwing it over Harry.
In a moment like this… Harry trusted him… And Severus didn't allow himself to think about that at all, that Harry was expecting Severus to save Albus and Draco from the Death Eaters… Severus backed away, tearing his eyes away from the spot he knew his son was standing in as he disassociated himself from his mind, from his heart, from his soul. It was someone else who climbed the last few steps. It was someone else who stepped out from behind the Death Eaters, someone else who pushed Draco away and met Albus' blue gaze with an empty expression.
"Severus…"
That voice… The desperate plea… Severus stepped forward. The Death Eaters quieted down, caught in suspense to see what Severus would do, what side he was on… The Dark Lord or Albus Dumbledore… Neither… It was neither… His heart was with Remus, it was with Harry… And Severus' mask slipped… Talented as he was, Severus caught it and twisted his face into anger, into resentment all directed towards Albus. Right now he had to be on the Dark Lord's side, it was his task… It was what he was forced to do…
Severus raised his eyes to Albus Dumbledore, who didn't show him any fear or grief… Holding his stare and pushing through the barriers of the headmaster's mind…
This is what you wanted me to do!
Severus, it's okay, it's you and me…
Me and you, you blasted old fool, me and you… I hate you, Albus, I hate you!
I know, and I'll be with you every step of the way after this… You won't be alone…
I hate you!
"Severus, please…" Albus said, and they lost their connection.
Severus raised his wand and shouted, "Avada Kedavra!"
Green light blinded Severus, followed by the laughter of Bellatrix Lestrange.
A/N: I was too excited to wait for the weekend to post this! Next update will be by the end of October
Review Responses:
Guest(Lizzie): I'm so happy that you're really enjoying my fanfic! Thanks for reviewing! And I hope you liked my new update
Lucy Elizabeth Dawson: Thank you! =)
LightsCameraPotter: Thank you! Haha and yes omg I love that story! And I was team Sirius lol. That fanfic really broke me haha
Bluewater5: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe I should change it back to dark… idk lol
CityGirl7768: Thank you for reviewing! And yes there will be a third story =)