BETTER THAN LIFE 20

by Gerard Byrne

The crew of the red dwarf mining ship take another stab at the iconic game.

The hum of the engines vibrated through the ship all the way to the living quarters. The Cat noticed it but said nothing as always. He was too busy watching the flat screen on the opposite wall of the room. Lister on the other hand was unaware of the vibrating. A rather strong vindaloo had left his bowels feeling a tad uneasy and he was putting the vibrating feeling down to bad gastric flatulence. He was smoking a cigar that was starting to make Cat's eyes water.

"Since when have you smoked cigars?", the Cat announced angrily, "the smell of it makes your armpits smell like potpourri"

"There's no more cigarettes on board, so I had to start on Rimmer's stash of Cuban cigars", Lister tasted the flavour of the strong cigar on his lips. It really wasn't that nice, "I don't get what all those celebrities and politicians get from smoking these things. You don't even inhale them. Just swirl around the smoke for awhile and blow it all out"

"Fun it is to hear about your suffering", the Cat started pointing at the flat screen, "but you haven't answered my question yet"

"It's not that important Cat", Lister tried not to choke on the heavy smoke in his mouth.

"It's important to me", the Cat even fixed his tie to show how serious he was, which was pretty damn serious.

"Why does it matter if Jessica Rabbit is a rabbit or not?", protested Lister, "she is still a cartoon character all the same"

"And what's that got to do with it?"

"Because she's not real, and she'll be even less real if she was an animated rabbit, so your question is stupid Cat", Lister was hoping for a quiet Sunday and this wasn't helping.

"That's the problem with you humans", complained the Cat, "you have no outlook on life. No imagination. If you can't see the beauty in Jessica Rabbit, then it's you that needs glasses buddy. My eyes are wide open to all the beautiful women of this universe", he held his eyes open for effect, "and when the right three or four ladies come along, I'm settling down for good"

"Right Cat", Lister just agreed with him to save anymore unnecessary hassle, "when the right three or four women come along. Good luck with that"

"Buddy, I don't need luck", the Cat held up a self help book, with David Hasslehoff on the cover. It was called, how to find the right three or four special women in your life, "I've got this", he smiled, which showed off his teeth, "you should read this thing. This dude has it all figured out. You mark my words, I'll have my three or four women by the end of the year. David said so", he began to flick through the pages, "I'd lone it to you, but no point in helping the competition", he flashed his teeth again.

Lister gave up trying to argue his case. Instead he took a drag from his cigar. Unfortunately it went down the wrong way and he choked on the smoke. He cursed the air and hoped that they came across a derelict craft soon with a ten year supply of cigarettes on it. He fired the cigar in a nearby sink and took out a plate with bread, butter and a box of sugar puff cereal on it. Lister began to make himself a sandwich, finishing off by cutting the crusts off before crushing the whole lot between his hands as a satisfying popping sound emanated from the sandwich.

"There's nothing like a good sandwich for breakfast", Lister's mouth was watering as he eased the sandwich towards his lips.

"That's another thing", Cat started again.

"What now?", Lister lowered the sandwich from his lips.

"Since when have you ever felt the need to cut crusts off your sandwiches. That's another Rimmerism", Cat was delighted with the new word he'd made up.

"A what?", Lister already guessed that this was gonna be a really long answer that wasn't really gonna make sense by the end, but there wasn't much else to do in deep space, so may as well try and make the time go a little quicker with meaningless conversation.

"It's a Rimmerism", the Cat replied proudly, "his weird habits are rubbing off on you. Next you'll be wearing uniforms and cleaning your bunk. Then again, that wouldn't be the worst habit to catch off goalpost head. Your bed is like a jungle. I'd be afraid to change those sheets. They look like they could get up and walk out of the room themselves"

"I'm not copying Rimmer's ways, so can I please enjoy my sandwich in peace", Lister raised his sandwich to his lips again"

"And what about your toe nails", the Cat wasn't giving up.

"What about my smegging toe nails?", Lister put his sandwich back on the plate.

"I caught you using a scissors the other day", the Cat jumped off the bunk and fixed his suit.

"And what's wrong with that?", protested Lister.

"Since when have you ever used a scissor?. Whatever happened to you lifting your leg up and biting those bad guys off?"

"I'm getting old. My back isn't able these days for me trying to chew the smegging things off. You try it and see"

The Cat was horrified, "you honestly think that I'd put your diseased feet in my mouth!. That's disgusting", he marched out of the room with his head held high.

"Peace at last", Lister lifted up his sandwich and tasted the sugar puff goodness. This was the closest thing to heaven right now.

Elsewhere on the ship, Rimmer was trying to find the source of the engine vibrating. The whole ship was supposed to run silently and this was a sign of something beginning to go wrong. He turned a corner on the lower decks and bumped straight into Kryten, who was mopping the floor.

"What are you doing down here?", asked Rimmer through gritted teeth. He was trying to act like he nearly didn't soil himself with the fright. Even though he was a hologram, he could still fear having little accidents, even though he could never actually follow through. The diesel decks were poorly lit and Rimmer was still questioning himself on why he had decided to come down here to investigate in the first place. Seemed like something that an officer would do. Made him realise why he wasn't an officer. But that was gonna stay with just himself. He had to show a level of authority on the ship. Even when he companions weren't gonna show him the respect he deserved.

"I'm scrubbing the decks", Kryten leaned his mop against the wall, "that diesel leak three floors up a few months ago, has left this whole area in a bit of a state, so since I had nothing to do upstairs, I decided to clean up down here for a bit"

"I've always got jobs for you", Rimmer couldn't think off hand, but he knew he had a chart somewhere with all the chores he had been thinking about for the last month. He didn't like to hit Kryten with it unless he found him doing nothing, like right now. This kind of work wasn't important to the running of the ship, "the skutters should be dealing with this mess"

"They're kind of busy sir"

"Busy doing what?"

Kryten opened a nearby door to reveal a room done up like an old stately home. One skutter was wearing a suit and the other one had on a butler outfit, "they've been watching Downton Abbey for the last few months and they've developed their own fan base. They've even got a weekly club. I'm thinking of joining myself. Looks fun, all the cleaning and serving"

"Whatever", Rimmer wasn't in the humour to hear anymore of what Kryten had to say, "they were less hassle when they were fans of John Wayne"

"They've moved on from westerns"

"Fine", Rimmer remembered why he was down there to begin with, "I'm down here trying to figure out the source of that vibrating noise from the engines"

"Oh that", Kryten began to dust a nearby support beam.

"Yes, oh that", Rimmer wished that everyone would take things as serious as he did, "I want to find the source of the noise"

"But you know what the source of the noise is", Kryten replied in his usual calm manner.

"How would I know what's making that noise?", protested Rimmer.

"Because you got the skutters to dump all the cigarettes on the ship into it, and most of the beer you could find. I told you not to do it just in case you damaged one of the engines. That's what you're hearing now. A badly damaged number six engine"

"Well, if the ship had of been electric, none of this would of happened", Rimmer knew he had lost, so was already finding another angle to argue from.

"All ships were electric for awhile. Then the Americans didn't think electric engines in spaceships was manly enough, so they went back to diesel. Then the rest of the world followed over the next twenty years. One step forward and two steps back", Kryten tried to make a joke of it, but lost faith in it halfway through.

"Less of the history lesson Kryten and more work"

A panel started to blink on Kryten's chest, "that's weird"

"What's that mean?", asked Rimmer.

"It just means that there's a mail pod nearing the ship. Strange since we haven't had mail in years", the light on his chest began to blink even quicker and brighter, "oh, it looks like it's homing in on this specific part of the ship. I wonder why?"

Suddenly the mail pod crashed through the side of the ship. It powered on down the corridor, ramming into a helpless Rimmer, pinning him to the front of the oversized rocket. It then travelled on for another few hundred feet with a screaming Rimmer on the front before smashing into the bulkhead. The rocket burned out and went quiet. A small hatch opened on one side of the mail pod and a robot arm shot out with a package attached.

Kryten read the name on the package, "it's for you sir. Registered mail. That's why it homed in on you. Must be a bit of a fault in the system"

"Do you think?", replied Rimmer sarcastically, before turning to soft light to escape the rocket. He then turned back to hard light and snatched the package out of Kryten's hand, "who would be sending me a registered package", he went to open the wrapping on the parcel. Unfortunately it exploded with a large bang, leaving Rimmer covered in black soothe. Rimmer got his head back together after the shock and read the message that wasn't destroyed by the blast, "it's from my brother Frank. Thinks it's funny to send live landmines through the mail"

"He still got you sir"

"Shut up", Rimmer marched off in the direction of the lifts. He'd lost face once again and he needed time to back off and regroup. Then he'd be ready to show off his authority once again.

Back in the sleeping quarters, Lister was lying on his bunk watching the end of who framed Roger Rabbit?. He was feeling satisfied after his sandwich and was planning on tidying up the mess on the floor that was left from it. So what if he was becoming a bit more tidier in his older years. That happened to everyone, or so he thought. It was just another stage in life. There was nothing wrong with picking up a few of Rimmer's mannerism. No big deal.

But it only took him a few moments to realise that it was a big deal. He was changing. For the worst at that. Lister wanted to scream, but he bit into his pillow instead and screamed into that. Life was really going to smeg.

"The mail has arrived", announced Holly over the intercom.

"The mail?", Lister jumped up from his bunk.

"The mail", replied Holly with little emotion in his voice, "how many times do I have to announce it until it sinks in?"

"Seven or eight times for me", the Cat walked back into the room, smoothing out his finger nails with a special brush.

"Anything for me?", Lister always got excited about the mail, even though he didn't always receive any, but the new games, movies and television shows always made it worthwhile.

"Nothing", replied Holly.

"Nothing at all?", Lister pulled on his leather jacket and his boots.

"There's a few for Kochanski if that's any interest"

Lister tried not to look interested, "means nothing to me"

"So I won't stop Rimmer reading them so?"

"No, no, no", Lister ran out of the sleeping bay and headed for the control room. The Cat sauntered after him in his usual cool manner. He wasn't speeding up for anyone.

Rimmer sat in the control room watching a hologramatic newsreader filling him in on news that had happened three million years ago, "and in financial news, the death rates of stockbrokers have dramatically dropped during the last financial depression thanks mostly to the trampolines that have been built into the roads outside all buildings that house stockbrokers. Wall Street has said that it was the best invention ever came up with in the last hundred years. Debbie Trump has said that her great, great, great, great uncle Donald would have been turning in his grave if he knew about all the money wasted in trying to keep workers alive. In other news, the virtual reality game, better than life, is finally making a big comeback after all those deaths and pesky lawsuits from a few years back. They've figured out how to isolate the negative thoughts in someone's brain and make the experience even more stable for the average user. Shops have already sold out of the first batch and it's being hailed as the best game since the live action Sims"

Lister rushed into the control room, covered in sweat, "don't touch her mail", he roared loudly, looking around for the letters, but he couldn't see them.

"Whose mail?", Rimmer turned down the volume on the monitor, "I'm just watching the news"

Holly appeared on the screen, "what's up dudes?"

"What's up!", protested Lister, "what's up!. You said that Rimmer was looking through Kochanski's mail"

"Slow day", replied Holly calmly, "seemed like it would be a bit of a giggle"

"Thanks a bunch Holly", Lister sat down in a nearby chair and flicked through some of the mail. He came across a few thick letters that had the address of the ship printed on them, but it just said the captain at the top, "these look important", he went to try and open them.

"Don't open them", Holly announced quietly.

"Why not?", Lister wasn't in the humour for any more jokes on his behave.

"They're spam mail"

"What's spam mail?", asked Lister, "is it like the crap that used to come through my letter box back home?"

"It's worse than that"

"How?", asked the Cat as he entered the control room.

"They're programmed to effect all your electronic devices. Push pop up ads on everything you own. They're like a virus. Unfortunately this virus has been trapped in deep space for three million years, so it's probably more aggressive than it was programmed to be", Holly appeared on the screen above the whole room, "any mail for me lads?"

Kryten came in carrying a heavy package that was making his joints ache and noisily squeak with each movement, "just a package Holly. Think it's that new drive you ordered", he put the box down and opened up the top with ease. He moved all the packaging aside and pulled out a small hard drive that weighed very little, "I never understand why they use so much packaging for such a small device. No wonder the environment is failing", he walked over to a control panel and inserted the new drive.

The Cat couldn't help from examining the box the drive came in. He pulled it off the counter and it crashed to the ground with a large bang, breaking his foot under the immense weight. He tried to cover his mouth to stifle his scream, but it still slipped out as a loud whining noise.

"Are you okay Cat?", asked Lister.

"Not a bother on me", the Cat shuffled off towards the door, trying to pretend that he wasn't in immense pain, "I'll be back in a minute. Just gonna see a man about a kitten"

Rimmer hit play on the news again. The newsreader carried on with her story, "for only two hundred dollars, you can escape life into a place of your making. If you can dream it. They can help you experience it", an advert for the game began to play. It was presented by this young woman with an Irish accent and long dark hair tied up in a ponytail. She was wearing a suit similar to the one that the original guide of better than life used to wear, but now it was more snazzy. She named off all the benefits of the game and assured potential customers that the game was a hundred percent safer than the original. There was even a pie chart to show how few people had died in testing recently.

"We've gotta play this one", Rimmer was already sold on the new game.

"Think you forget what happened the last time", Lister still had nightmares about being buried up to his neck in sand and getting his face smeared with jam.

"That was last time. Look how safe it is now", Rimmer gestured towards the screen at the pie chart, "they've fixed the bugs"

"I doubt it", Lister searched through the other letters that where on the counter, "I'm not chancing my brain again to that messed up game"

"You don't have exactly much to lose", mumbled Rimmer under his breath.

"You should be the last person that would want to go near it", protested Lister, "you got your thumbs smashed the last time. Do you really wanna go through all that again?"

"It's not gonna be the same", protested Rimmer.

"He's right sir", Kryten was reading the packaging for one of the better than life games, "it says here that they've removed all the dangerous subcategories that got created by the original game. It seems safer if you follow the accompanying text. It's even android friendly"

"So what do you say?", Rimmer was still waiting for an answer.

"Okay then", Lister already knew he was gonna regret it, but that was the story of his life. No point in delaying the inevitable.

Thirty minutes later, the four of them sat in the control room. The Cat had his leg in a cast and was sitting at a control desk. He was debating whether to put the device on his head. Last time was fun, but it ended badly, "is it really safe?"

"Safer than the last time", Lister already had the headpiece on and was pushing the probes into his brain. It tickled at first, but that feeling soon disappeared.

"Okay then", the Cat put it on and pushed the probes down into his brain.

Kryten and Rimmer were already hooked up wirelessly by Holly. They were both raring to go. Holly loaded the game up on the monitor, "okay dudes, here we go", and that was the last thing they heard as reality disappeared off into the distance. The game had officially started.

The thick fog soon cleared and the four crew members found themselves standing in an ornate corridor that looked like it belonged in a stately home. The many windows were covered with heavy green curtains and there were large porcelain vases lining the expensive carpet.

"What is this place?", the Cat was already feeling the curtains, as he had an idea for a new suit.

"Hey, your foot's fixed", Lister had only noticed it now.

"Lucky me", the Cat didn't even dwell on his good fortune.

"His foot is still broken in reality", Kryten was studying the walls carefully. He could see code hidden among the virtual materials. Something was bothering him about it. Something wasn't right, "there is something amiss sirs"

Unfortunately before Kryten got a chance to continue his apotheosis, a young woman appeared in front of them. It was the same woman from the advert, "good day gentlemen and welcome to better than life. You will be playing the new and updated version of the game. Now a thousand percent safer than the original. Guaranteed or your money back"

"So no chance of pain or death this time?", Rimmer still had nightmares about his last experience with the game.

"No danger gentlemen", replied their guide, "but we do recommend that you all go off on your own gaming trail. Going in as a group distorts the experience for others. I'm not saying you can't, but fantasies can get kind of messy, especially in Lister's case", she smiled at Dave.

Lister was a tad embarrassed, "I've always wanted to see two Valkyrie warriors battling it out in a tub of baked beans"

"Why doesn't that surprise me?", Rimmer folded his arms.

"I wanna see that too", the Cat was licking his lips.

"Is everything okay?", Kryten was still concerned about the code he had seen in the walls, "I've noticed something strange going on in the background of your game"

"Just an update", replied the guide through a false smile, "all good things need to be updated, especially after three million years. That means a pretty big update. More updates, better game play"

Back on Red Dwarf, Holly noticed something funny about the spam mail that was now glowing green on the control room console. There seemed to be bursts of electricity arcing between everything electronic in the room.

"This doesn't look good", announced Holly, before going back to his book about Biggles learning to fly.

Back in better than life, the guide waved her hand towards a giant double door, which opened without any visible help. Inside the doors was a long pathway raised high off the ground by marble pillars. The pathway led towards a giant castle on a hill, with clear skies in the background.

"This is you Mr Cat", the guide announced.

"This looks like my kind of place", the Cat marched through the doors and began to make his way towards the castle, before turning back to his fellow crew members, "don't come a knocking if the castle is rocking", and with that he headed off up the path away from them. The doors shut tightly.

"One down, three to go", the guide carried on down the corridor.

Lister noticed a glass case a little further on down the corridor. Upon further inspection he noticed that it contained a man that looked a lot like the original guide of better than life. He seemed to be frozen in time. Still wearing the original outfit from the game.

"What's wrong with him?", asked Rimmer.

"Decommissioned after the disaster that was the original game", the guide leaned against the glass cabinet, "an antique that we still like to show off. Something to show the original players like your good selves. Bring a bit of nostalgia to the game. Would you like to hear him talk?"

The three men nodded in agreement and the guide pressed a button on the glass box. The old guide sprang to life inside, "welcome to better than life", that was all he said before going back into a frozen smile. He was a shell of his former self.

"That's about it sirs", announced the guide before moving onto the next double doors. They opened wide to reveal the deck of an old style wooden battleship, "this is you Mr Rimmer. You always wanted to sail the high seas and this is finally your chance to do so"

Suddenly Rimmer's clothes turned into an admiral's uniform with large hat. He looked the part alright. He stared at himself in a nearby mirror, "now that's the look I always wanted"

"You look a right twat", laughed Lister.

"Whatever", scoffed Rimmer, "this is how the powerful dress. You wouldn't get it Lister. You and your curry stained boxers"

"Excuse me", Lister smiled mockingly, "I've got style. I've got fashion. Just unfortunate that they all end up covered in beer and curry stains. But I'm a man's man and man's men get curry stains on their boxers from time to time, so swivel on your cap and get going"

Rimmer did his extra special salute for the guide, "once more into the breach dear friends. Once more, and let us fill the gaps in the wall with our English dead", he was pretty sure that he had seventy five percent of that right, but he doubted Lister would notice.

"Enjoy Mr Rimmer", the guide ushered him inside.

The doors shut tightly and the corridor was silent once more. Kryten was still trying to scan the walls for further details about the anomaly he had detected. He kept his fears to himself for now, just in case he was overthinking all this.

"And here is you Mr Lister. Bedford Falls", the guide stopped beside another double door that swung open on its own. Inside was the street from it's a wonderful life. All the shops and restaurants. In the middle of snow covered street was a curry house with the name, Lister's, emblazoned over the door. It was everything Lister had ever dreamed of.

"Is Kochanski and the boys here as well?", asked Lister hopefully. This dream was buried in his brain for decades now. Ever since he'd seen the film all those years ago in the ship's cinema.

"They are waiting for you at home", the guide leaned against the door, before clicking her fingers. The scene behind her changed to that of a beautiful two storey wooden house with white picket fence. It was everything that Lister always dreamed of, "enjoy some time with your family, but don't forget, you have to open up the curry house for the night. You can't disappoint your fan base"

"Then I better get a move on then", Lister slapped Kryten playfully on the shoulder, "hope you get what you want behind your doors"

"Time will tell", Kryten was still struggling to feel relaxed about all this. Something was bugging him.

Lister entered his personal world and the doors shut behind him. Kryten was feeling more concerned as the guide seemed to freeze on the spot. That creepy smile spread across her lips. He swished his hand past her eyes to see was there a reaction. There wasn't one at first, but soon her eyes blinked and she started back into being the guide of the game again, "sorry about that. Just needed an update before I carried on"

"Is everything okay miss?", Kryten noticed the lights flickering in the corridor.

"Everything's fine", replied the guide, "and last but not least"

The doors opposite the last ones suddenly sprang open to reveal a large banquet hall. It was trashed after what looked like a big party. Food had been fired everywhere. Furniture was smashed against the walls. The floor was covered with all manner of stains.

"When you're finished this one", the guide had one hand on Kryten's shoulder, "I've got ninety nine more to do after this. Ten times better than silicone heaven and no calculators to annoy you"

Kryten yearned to be in that room cleaning, but something was holding him back. Something was seriously wrong with the game. The guide pushed a mop and bucket into his hands and before Kryten realised what was happening, he seemed to be moving on a conveyor belt into the banquet hall. Soon the corridor was well behind him.

"Enjoy your stay", the guide waved him off, as the doors closed behind him.

Back in Bedford Falls, Lister was still standing outside his new home. It all seemed so real. The cold of the air. The crunch of the snow under his feet. He could hear happy voices and laughter coming from inside the house. Was this really all for him?

Suddenly the front door opened and out stepped Kochanski. She was older now. Probably around the same age as Lister, but she was still just as beautiful. She was wearing a wooly jumper and jeans. A steaming pie in her hands. Lister had always dreamed of this moment and what he was gonna say. Now he found himself lost for words. Nothing was coming out of his mouth and he noticed his cheeks were going red. This wasn't how he seen it all playing out.

"So", smiled Kochanski, "are you coming in?"

Lister couldn't believe that she actually spoke to him, "on my way dear", he couldn't believe that he used the word dear, but it seemed right under the circumstances. The snow crunched under his feet as he ran up the pathway to the front porch. He stumbled up the steps and stood before the woman he loved. He didn't plan this far ahead and now here he was, less than a half a foot from the woman he loved. A gorgeous smelling pie being the only thing between them. There was an awkward silence as he struggled to find something to say.

But none of that mattered as Kochanski leaned in and kissed him on the lips, she then whispered in his ear, "I've been looking for you all morning. Need you to carve the turkey and ham. Can you do that for me love?"

"Anything your heart desires", Lister couldn't believe these soppy words were trundling out of his mouth with ease, but he didn't even try to stop himself.

Kochanski laughed, "you don't have to be so dramatic Dave. Jim and Bexley are here as well. They've brought their families. The grandkids can't wait to see you"

"Grandkids?", Lister hadn't really thought that far ahead, but it still gave him a warm feeling inside.

Kochanski took him by the hand and started to guide him indoors, "come on inside before you catch a cold"

Lister didn't fight her and let himself get guided into the warmth of his new home. The whole house was decorated with warm vibrant colours and furnishings. The sitting room had a roaring fire going. There standing next to it was two twin men. They looked exactly how Lister had imagined his potential kids looking like when they were men. They both had their wives with them. Each one could have been a supermodel or a high paid influencer. They both had a set of twin boys and both of them were called Jim and Bexley as well. It was a strange fantasy that Lister had had all these years while alone on red dwarf, but now seeing it in the flesh made it seem even weirder, but he embraced the experience all the same. Welcoming their hugs and kisses as everyone in the room greeted him warmly. This was Lister's idea of heaven and he never wanted to leave.

Unfortunately he had to go to work later that day, so after a stomach filling meal, Lister put on his heavy jacket and boots and made the short walk back into town. He passed buildings and houses that he knew the owners of. All characters from it's a wonderful life. Made him wonder how his mind filled in the colours of a well known black and white movie. Was it his own subconscious doing all the work or was the game helping with that detail in some way. He couldn't be sure and it wasn't really that important anyway. This was the life he had dreamed about for decades and now it was real. Well, real enough to keep Lister happy. That was all that mattered. Not even Rimmer could ruin his day right now.

Lister opened up his curry house for business. There was already a queue outside. He let in the string of locals and they grabbed their tables fairly quick. George Bailey and Mary had the corner table inside the window. Mr Potter was at the bar sampling the popadoms. Billy and Clarence were still trying to decide between a vindaloo and a korma. Lister had suggested the first option. He always wanted to see a novice deal with an exceptionally hot curry.

In the kitchen Lister found two fancy looking Indian chefs chopping up vegetables for the dishes. Their hands worked like machines as they prepared the kitchen for service. They never looked up at Lister or seemed to even acknowledge his existence. Left him wondering if this was a glitch in the game or something. For now he decided to ignore it and went back out into the dining area of the restaurant to see what work he could do. The guide was there, wearing a uniform that matched the other staff of the curry house. She was taking Billy and Clarence's order.

"So that's two meat samosas, two vindaloos and two kebabs. Is that right?", the guide's eyes were glinting red under the lights. It left Lister wondering if it was another glitch in the game. The guide made her exit and approached Lister at the counter, "I'm here to help. What can I do?"

Lister was still taken by her eyes, but he didn't let on there was something troubling him, "just keep taking the orders and I'll run the bar. Mr Potter is already on his third beer and we've only been open five minutes", that was another thing bothering him. Why was the elderly Mr Potter able to put away beers faster than a Glaswegian at a cup final. That was weird enough, but even stranger was the fact that Mr Potter seemed to be slowly transforming into Lister's paranoia. He just hoped that his confidence wasn't gonna show up as well. Lister hadn't the head to deal with a murderer right now. Especially when this was supposed to be a fun experience. He wanted to get back to Kochanski, the kids and the grandkids, but already he was dreading the moment. Something was gonna go wrong, he could feel it. Was Rimmer's mind corrupting the game again? He had to ask, "can I ask you something?"

"Anything at all. I'm here as a guide for you and your friends", the guide turned the order she had just taken into a paper airplane and fired it in though a hatch into the kitchen.

Lister was impressed by this move, but didn't let himself get sidetracked, "is there some kind of corruption in the game?. I've seen weird little glitches over the last few minutes and I'll be honest with you, it's more concerning than a blind man driving a mini in the heart of London. You must notice that something isn't quite right?"

"Everything's peachy and tickety poo", replied the guide with a smile that would make any serial killer jealous, "don't you be worrying Mr David Lister. Your safety is important to us and we will make sure that no harm will come to you while playing the game. That said, I see you have two new customers"

Lister turned to see who was coming in the door of his curry house. Unfortunately he was met with the sight of waxwork Hitler and robot Hitler in full nazi uniform, both of them brandishing heavy machine guns with extraordinarily large magazine cases.

"Let's rock this joint like it's Berlin in forty one baby", announced robot Hitler before spraying the restaurant with bullets.

Waxwork Hitler shouted something in German and started to fire as well.

Lister jumped over the bar as Mr Potter was peppered with gunfire. The guide disappeared in a flash as the restaurant got destroyed around her. Wooden tables and chairs were turned into splinters. Bottles and pane glass windows turned into dangerous shards of glass that flew in all directions. Even the poor bronze elephant that sat on the bar was sent flying through the window and landed on the bonnet of Lister's antique pickup truck that he hadn't known he wanted it until he seen it parked in his snowy driveway.

George Bailey and Mary jumped through the large glass window that separated them from the street. Clarence and Billy ducked under the table and hid for dear life. Suddenly the two Indian chefs exploded out of the kitchen and started firing knives at the two Hitlers. Lister dragged himself across broken glass as he tried to reach the back exit to the restaurant. It was at that moment he was starting to wish that he had of asked how to exit the game if there was a problem. The guide had never told him and he just couldn't be bothered asking.

The back door took a bit of a battering before it finally gave way. Lister tried to ignore the cold weather as he had forgotten his jacket. He tried to think of how to activate the exit protocol.

"System settings", he said loudly towards the brick wall. He could still hear the shooting from inside the restaurant. Lister couldn't help but wonder how many bullets were actually in those guns. Yes they had big magazine cartridges, but this was becoming ridiculous. He could only imagine what the poor people of sleepy Bedford Falls were thinking at this very moment as their beautiful town was destroyed by two nazi loving, trigger happy Hitlers.

A panel appeared in front of him. There was four screens on it showing what was happening in all four personal experiences. Unfortunately the two Hitlers searching the restaurant were distracting him from checking out the other monitors. Lister reckoned that robot Hitler was a lot nicer the last time they'd met. They even duetted on a song together. What was up the guy's arse these days?

"Do you want to exit?", asked a male voice that sounded a lot like the original guide of better than life.

Lister thought for a moment before answering, "no, I want to join another one of my friend's experiences"

"Whose experience would you like to join?", asked the voice.

Lister noticed that Rimmer seemed to be in the most danger, "bring me to Arnold Rimmer's world"

"One moment please", said the voice.

Suddenly the two Hitlers jumped around the corner of the restaurant with machine guns at the ready.

"Die evil pig dog", roared robot Hitler.

Waxwork Hitler said something in German and the two men started to fire. Thankfully Lister had just left the spot where a hundred bullets rained down on. He was safe for the moment, for he was now in Rimmer world.

The war room on the battleship was packed with different officers and lieutenants who all talked about Rimmer as if he was some kind of god. They discussed his achievements, even going back to the time he won a rather aggressive game of hide and seek in primary school. The room quickly went silent as Arnold entered and made his way to the large table that the battle plans where laid out on. He smacked his thin black cane off some figurines that were supposed to signify the enemy.

"Who allowed them to get so near?", Arnold's voice boomed louder than it ever did. A new quality that he wished stayed with him in the real world.

The room went silent as all the lackeys looked at each other in the hope that the culprit or culprits would step forward and take their punishment like a man. A young officer stepped forward with his hands behind his back, "it was I sir. I made a mistake. I'm ready to accept my punishment"

Suddenly the guide appeared, dressed in an officer's uniform. She looked more of a military figure than Rimmer did. She saluted him diligently, "admiral Rimmer. How would you like to proceed in punishing this disgraceful excuse for an officer?. May I suggest your private shark tank that I've been purposely starving for the last week and a half?", her eyes glowed red as she spoke.

Rimmer was horrified by this, but he tried not to show it, "no, no, no, I'm sure there has to be something else that's not so…", he couldn't think of the word he was looking for.

"Lenient?", the guide suggested.

"No", Rimmer didn't like where this was going, "killing people with sharks is pretty time consuming and then you have to hire people to clean up the mess. People we can't afford at the moment. No, we need something a little quicker than that. But something that will still make a statement in front of the other men. Send them a message"

Arnold loved these moments of power. He marched back and forth in front of the young man, drinking in the essence of the wonderful scene. He knew to make his army wait. Forcing them to hold out for his commands was a way of keeping control at all times. This was gonna be another example of how he wielded his power.

"There's only one punishment that fits the crime, and we all know what that is", Arnold let his words hang in the air once again.

"Castration?", suggested the guide.

"No, my god", Rimmer couldn't believe what he was hearing, but he still carried on trying to act like everything was normal, "he needs to walk the plank"

There was unsettled whispering among the men. Arnold wasn't sure whose side they were on. He needed to keep control of the situation.

"But sir", asked one of his captains, "haven't we got bigger problems with our enemies descending on us rapidly and our support teams three days out?"

Arnold only then realised that he hadn't the faintest clue who they were fighting. He'd been too busy playing admiral to bother asking any questions about the war they were fighting. All he knew was what was shown on his battle plans laid out on the table. The markers for their enemies didn't really give much away either. Upon further inspection, Rimmer noticed that the marker looked a lot like a simulant battle cruiser.

Suddenly a loud booming noise exploded overhead. All the men in the room ducked as if they were about to be decapitated by an unseen force. An officer came into the war room with his cap under his arm, like they do in the movies. He had a somber face as he spoke, "they're outside and they wanna speak to you admiral"

All eyes where on Rimmer. He didn't like being the centre of attention anymore, "well then", he started to stutter, "they'll have to bloody well wait"

The guide marched up to Rimmer and saluted him with one of his very own extra special salutes, "admiral Rimmer. I have an update about our current situation and the whereabouts of our enemies"

"I'm pretty sure that the whereabouts of our enemies are in our general location", Rimmer glanced out at the large shadow looming over the ship, "and I'm pretty sure that our current situation is smegging screwed"

"Amazing", replied the guide as she broke character and lit up a cigarette that she puffed away on manically, "that's exactly what I was about to say"

Rimmer threw his eyes up in despair. He couldn't believe this was happening. No one in their right minds would wish to be on the losing end of a major battle. This was supposed to be his fantasy, not a living nightmare. Something was wrong. But what?

Rimmer finally made his way out onto the deck with all his men. The simulant ship was hovering over them. It was only then that Rimmer realised that his entire crew was made up of officers, captains and lieutenants. He had not one normal deckhand to run the every day chores of the ship. He cursed his own mind for making such a stupid mistake.

Suddenly a fire ball came out of the simulant ship and shot across the deck, killing loads of Rimmer's men. Their bodies turned into smoking ash.

"That was a warning shot across the bows", one of his officers announced.

"A warning shot!", Rimmer took his official hat off, "they've just wiped out half the crew", on the positive side, you could at least see the deck of the ship a lot easier without all the people in the way. He finally noticed the eight cannons under his command. They seemed kind of basic in comparison to the weapons on the simulant ship, "fire the cannons at it"

"But sir", complained another officer, "they won't even make a dent in that thing. We should surrender sir"

Surrender seemed like the only reasonable solution to the current situation. Rimmer glanced around the deck for something to make a white flag out of. But that was the least of their problems as four figures where dropped down onto the deck from the simulant ship. Rimmer knew them well. They had haunted his nightmares for many years after he'd first met them. They were the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and they weren't happy campers.

The horsemen started to kill their way through Rimmer's crew as their ship took potshots at anyone that tried to escape. Rimmer ran back into his war room and tried to think of what to do next. He was trapped on his wooden ship while a spaceship blew holes in it. This wasn't how he seen his day going.

The guide appeared alongside him. She was back wearing her original outfit from when he first met her. Her eyes still glowed red like someone in one of those poorly developed photos from the eighties, "dreams and nightmares. Such a narrow tightrope we walk between the two. One man's hell is another man's heaven. What do you think admiral Rimmer. Is this your hell or heaven?", she stared at him like a woman possessed.

"I'd safely guess hell", Rimmer looked around the war room looking for another exit, but there was none.

The guide had a sadistic smile spread across her young face, "exactly. Time for me to go check on the others. See are they having as much fun as you", and with that she vanished in a haze of computer digital code.

Suddenly there was a loud bang and the whole ship creaked loudly as it tilted to the right. Rimmer grabbed the table as he tried to maintain his footing. He could hear his men screaming up on deck. They were dying and soon Rimmer would follow them. He was sure of it. The ship tilted more to one side and Rimmer now found himself holding on for dear life. Sea water was rushing in and soon the whole ship would be underwater. Rimmer started to wonder was there a way out of this mess? There had to be an exit for the game. He tried calling for the guide. He even called for Kryten. Even Lister got his name mentioned. That's how desperate he was at that moment.

Suddenly a tear in reality opened below Rimmer. It looked like the interior of another spaceship. Not a friendly looking one. But Rimmer hadn't many options left open to him, so he let go of the table and let his body fall through the tear. He landed hard on the dirty metal floor of the other ship. It was cold, dark and dreary. Reminded Rimmer of Lister's laundry basket. There was a large figure sitting on a throne on the other side of the room. One leg up on the side of the ornate chair.

Rimmer rose to his feet, trying to fix his dirty and damaged uniform, "I don't know who you are kind sir, but may I just say thank you for coming to my aid when I needed it most. I'm sure there will be a medal in it for you"

Bright lights finally filled the room and it was only then that Rimmer realised who he was now in the company of, "oh smeg"

"Oh smeg indeed", the inquistor drummed his fingers off the arms of his throne, "it's time to justify your existence again Mr Rimmer"

"This isn't fair", whined Rimmer, "I past your test before. You cleared me. You can't test me again"

"I can do what I want", the inquisitor sat forward in his throne, "and as like the last time, your judge will be yourself", he lifted the lid of his mask to reveal that it wasn't Rimmer as he was now, but the bad Rimmer they had met many years ago when they blew up Red Dwarf and accidentally created a higher and lower version of the ship, "get out of this one my lovely", and with that he cracked a holo whip in the air, "or I'll flay your derrière like a thinly cut steak"

"Oh smeg", Rimmer reckoned this was a brown trousers moment.

"Oh smeg indeed", the inquisitor sat back in his throne, "so, justify your existence"

"Well", Rimmer thought for a moment.

"Liar", lower Rimmer hissed back.

"You didn't give me a chance", Rimmer whined.

"You don't deserve a chance", lower Rimmer stood up from his throne, "all you deserve is to suffer at my hands", he cracked the whip once more, "and you will suffer my lovely. I'm gonna torture you for so long that you'll think it's a career"

Rimmer backed himself up against a wall that he didn't know was there, "exit, exit", he started to shout at no one in particular. There had to be a way out of the game, unfortunately he hadn't bothered to ask anyone before he went in, "exit", he started to clap his hands together, thinking it might be like the western game he once played, but that didn't work either.

"Time to suffer", announced lower Rimmer with another crack of the whip.

Rimmer closed his eyes and awaited pain.

Came as a bit of a relief when a massive blast blew a hole in the side of the inquisitor's ship. Rimmer feared it was the four horsemen. Thankfully it was starbug, or a way better updated version of it, with mounted laser cannons and mortar firing guns. It kept firing at the inquisitor until he retreated into a room behind the throne.

"Hop in Rimmer", shouted Lister over a intercom system on starbug. A hatch opened under the cockpit windows.

Rimmer didn't need to be asked twice and he jumped through the hole of the inquisitor ship and grabbed onto the side of the hatch, pulling himself inside to safety. The hatch shut tightly behind him and Rimmer felt relatively safer, for now.

"Get up here bonehead", Lister shouted through the intercom as he turned starbug and took off in the opposite direction from the inquisitor and the simulant ship.

Rimmer fell into the cockpit, battered and bruised from his slight skirmish, "what are you doing here Lister?", it was embarrassing enough to be nearly killed by some of the people you most fear, even worse when you're saved by someone you loathe.

"Saving your boney ass for starters", replied Lister as he flew the ship across the endless ocean, "how big is this place? There's no land anywhere"

"This was my biggest war fantasy to date", Rimmer sat in his designated seat in the cockpit, "think it comes from all those years playing battleship"

"That I understand", Lister noticed the inquisitor ship in the rear view camera, "but why would you wanna battle spaceships with an old style wooden battleship?. It doesn't make any sense. That's like a Buddhist mouse taking on a ninja cat. You were gonna lose from the start"

"Do you really think this is my fantasy?", whined Rimmer.

"Nothing surprises me after our last jaunt into better than life", Lister picked up speed as he tried to outrun Rimmer's enemies.

"Then why are you here?", Rimmer knew that no matter how bad his better than life experience got, he definitely wouldn't be looking for Lister's help first, "we where in separate games. No way you'd come here willingly. This is something else. What came after you?"

"Robot and waxwork Hitler showed up and started shooting dead the cast from it's a wonderful life. Totally killed my childhood fantasy of living there", Lister still found it strange that the Hitlers would be the virtual enemy that his subconscious mind would create. Something wasn't adding up.

"What should we do now?", Rimmer checked the monitors to see that there was now three spaceships chasing them across the barren ocean. He was gonna question it, but figured they were dead with even two spaceships chasing them so three wasn't gonna make much of a difference.

"We're getting out of this fantasy and we're gonna gate crash the Cat.", Lister called up the system settings of the game, much to Rimmer's annoyance since he couldn't figure that out, and he plotted a course into Cat's fantasy. A rip opened up in the sky in front of them and Lister steered starbug through the rip. He closed it as quickly behind them. Lister knew it would only slow them down for a bit, but they would find them. It was only a matter of time.

The Cat's castle appeared on the horizon in front of them. It looked even more lavish now since they last seen it. There was a moat surrounding the building with large marble steps up to the drawbridge that was closed tightly. Lister landed the ship down at the bottom of the marble steps. He lowered the landing legs and soon the engine turned off and the two men made their exit.

"The Cat always thinks big", Lister was impressed. Especially with the sun that looked like a big lump of round cheddar cheese sitting in the sky.

"It's tacky", replied Rimmer, "that's what it is"

Lister looked over the edge, down into the moat. He could see something moving around down there. Something big, "what's that down there?"

Rimmer looked over the edge, just as a crack of lighting filled the sky. It illuminated the moat and it's content to reveal the Rimmer monster. A beast made up of dozens of Rimmers whose only goal in life was to absorb more Rimmers into its fold. It screamed menacingly up at them.

"I think it wants to give you a hug", joked Lister.

"It can want all it wants", Rimmer marched on to the drawbridge. There was an intercom system which he pressed the button on.

A recorded voice came over the intercom, "your call is important to us, please stay on the line", the voice was then replaced by some music. It was the tongue tied song.

Lister threw his eyes up, "why doesn't that surprise me?"

"The Cat's fantasy is already sickeningly tacky and we haven't even gotten in the front door yet", Rimmer's stomach felt sick already.

The drawbridge started to drop down towards the ground. Suddenly the three spaceships tore through a rip in the sky and started to rain down laser fire at the two men. Lister pulled out a laser pistol that he didn't know he had and started to return fire. Rimmer ran for the cover of the castle. The drawbridge started to lift again. Lister grabbed onto the edge of it and pulled himself up and onto it. He then slid down the other side to the safety of the castle. Soon the drawbridge shut tightly behind them and the two men found themselves in a courtyard filled with ten foot gold statues of the Cat. All of them showing him naked in different poses. They really did put a lot of detail into his six nipples. Each one glistening in the strong lights. Lister was sure that someone had applied baby oil to the statues, but he wouldn't dare ask anyone.

A seven foot supermodel showed up in a string bikini and high heels. She didn't seem fazed at all by the gunfire outside. She seemed quite chirpy for someone in the middle of a siege, "my master has asked for your presence in the banquet room"

They were both led through the castle for the next few minutes. Through rooms filled with clothes. Another one had a giant fish tank with a special hatch to remove the fish from. Kind of like a giant crane machine that you see in amusement parks. They then went through a room that had a giant swimming pool in the middle and was surrounded by more supermodels all lounging around on beds and large cushions. They didn't even seem to notice the two men passing through. The next room was done up like a church. All the walls had pictures of the Cat at different stages of his life. One was captioned, "CAT LOSES A SHOE FOR THE FIRST TIME", and the next one was captioned, "CAT LOSES HIS SHOE FOR THE SECOND TIME". There was even an altar and several supermodels on their knees praying to another gold statue of the Cat.

"None of this surprises me", Rimmer had seen enough. Deep down he was jealous. He really wished his mind had of come up with something like this. He made a mental note to go for the same thing the next time they played.

"The Cat always likes to think big", Lister was trying not to look too much at the near naked supermodel that was guiding them around the castle. She did seem familiar to him, but he couldn't figure out why. He didn't know any woman that looked like a supermodel, not even just a normal model for that matter.

Rimmer nudged Lister and whispered, "do you think she looks like Lisa Yates?"

Lister couldn't believe he didn't see that before. She did look like his ex girlfriend Lisa Yates. This woman was a lot taller and her body was better built, but the facial features were definitely disturbingly similar, "is your name Lisa?", he asked.

"Yes it is", she replied, "why?"

"I'm gonna kill him", Lister muttered under his breath. He regretted ever letting the Cat see his old memories of an ex girlfriend all those years ago. She must have left a lasting effect on the Cat for him to remember her when he was building his army of supermodels.

Lisa Yates knocked another big double door and then pushed it open to reveal a large throne room with beds lining the walls on either side. The beds where filled with more supermodels all wearing sexy lingerie and cooing and blowing kisses towards the Cat. He just sat there licking his lips and smiling at all those beneath him. He didn't even seem to notice his two crew members who where now in the same room.

When the Cat finally did see them, his mood quickly wilted, "what are you two fools doing here?"

"We've come to rescue you", Lister felt stupid saying that, especially with what was happening in the room around them.

"Rescue me!", laughed the Cat, he gestured around the room, "what, from all this?"

"From what's coming", Rimmer was still looking around at all the supermodels. He felt like he fell into the pages of his favourite lingerie catalogues, that he had been secretly collecting for many years. Unfortunately Lister had found them a long time back and that was the last Rimmer had ever seen of them. It was starting to become obvious that it wasn't Lister who had robbed them after all.

"The only thing coming is a lorry load of full fat yogurt, a giant inflatable swimming pool and four dolphins", the Cat stood up from his throne and fixed his fur coat so that it showed off more of his bare chest, "it's my fantasy and I can do what I want"

"It's not our fantasies anymore. Somebody has hijacked the game", Lister hated having to try and have an adult conversation with the Cat. It was like trying to explain algebra to a two year old.

"Who'd wanna do that?", replied the Cat.

"We don't know you stupid feline", Rimmer had enough of this conversation.

The Cat pointed at Rimmer accusingly, "this is your diseased brain again, isn't it?"

"Not this time old chap", Rimmer fixed his tie back in place, even though his uniform was in bits already.

"I wanna talk to that cute little chick that brought us here. The guide", the Cat marched down the steps of his throne.

Suddenly the guide appeared at the end of the large room. Her hands where behind her back as she skipped towards them, "having fun lads?", she was wearing a butler's outfit that strangely fitted in with the whole décor of Cat's castle.

"Fun!", Rimmer tried to take control of the situation as he turned to face the guide, "how is any of this fun?. We've got killer simulants chasing us. Mad Hitlers trying to gun down curry loving locals in the snow. God only knows what you have planned for the Cat's fantasy. You'll probably have Dracula drop in to bite a few necks on his way to bed"

"Hey chick dude", Cat wasn't sure what else to call the host, so that seemed like the best bet to get her attention, "I wanna force field around this place pronto. I barely want these two here, so no way I'm having a heap of killer simulants knocking down my door. I've got yogurt to eat and models to satisfy. So force field, now"

The guide skipped up the room a few more feet and raised her hands in the air. Lightning fired out of her fingers that dispersed into the cracks in the ceiling. A ceiling that had a Sistine chapel style painting of the Cat in a biblical setting. Nothing else seemed to happen after that.

The Cat was confused at first, "was that it?"

"No", the guide slowly walked a little further towards them. That disturbing smile still plastered over her face, "no force fields, no private armies, no fancy weapons. You get nothing off me. No help, no support, no hope. You're on your own"

"So what was all that lightning stuff?", Rimmer was already checking the room for exits. He was gonna be the first one out of there if something kicked off.

"I was just notifying your enemies about your current location. They'll be here any second", the guide waved her hand and the door barred shut behind her.

"Oh smeg", Lister had an awful sense of dread.

Suddenly the ceiling above them exploded and loads of masonry rained down on them all. The hull of a spaceship came into view. A hatch opened up and the two Hitlers came gliding down on ropes. They hit the ground and started firing off their large machine guns. Supermodels dived for cover. Rimmer ran for the nearest door that didn't seem to be barred. The Cat dived behind his throne and used it as a shield. Lister ducked behind a table as the room got turned into Swiss cheese. As all this went on, the guide grabbed a chair, sat down and watched the chaos ensue.

"We need to find Kryten", Lister roared over the noise at the Cat.

"I know where he is", a bullet plowed into the wall beside the Cat's head.

"How do you know where he is?", Rimmer banged his shoulder off the small wooden door.

"He works for me", replied the Cat without missing a beat.

"Kryten's fantasy is to work for you?", Lister knew that Kryten had a weird outlook on life. But this was ridiculous.

Robot Hitler aimed his gun directly at the chair that Lister was hiding behind, "time to die my little pretty", he pulled the trigger but nothing happened, "stupid piece of space junk", he hit the gun roughly.

"Time to go", shouted Lister to the Cat as he made a run for it.

The Cat ran after him as waxwork Hitler took aim and wiped out the throne with a grenade launcher. Bits of rubble went everywhere. Rimmer was still trying to force the door when his two crew mates barged into him, sending the three of them flying through the door. Lister didn't take a break to deal with the pain of the three of them hitting the floor. He jumped up and shut the door tightly behind him. It wouldn't hold for long, but might buy them a few minutes to make their escape. They needed Kryten and they needed him fast.

In another part of the castle, Kryten was enjoying himself more than he ever thought he would. He was on his sixth ballroom and he was loving every minute of it. The last one had been a messy mafia murder scene. Blood everywhere and many bullets to be pried out of furniture and fittings. Kryten wasn't aware until now that he'd like cleaning up mass murder scenes, but it was strangely therapeutic. As he scrubbed the stains out of another large rug, there was a loud bang on the room door.

Kryten stood up and dropped his sponge back into the bucket, "hello?"

The door banged even harder, to the point that even the hinges seemed to ache under the pressure, "if this is a Jehovah witness, them I'm far from impressed with your heavy handed tactics"

Suddenly the double door busted through and fell to the floor with a loud bang. As the dust cleared, which left Kryten confused because he had already cleaned that area, the figure of a large man came into view. Kryten had met him many many years ago. It was Hudson Ten.

"Hello Kryten", Hudson Ten still had that deep voice which made him sound like he had a throat infection, "long time no see", he marched into the room over what remained of the doors. He still had on his heavy armoured helmet and his nipples were still well oiled to the point of distraction.

"What are you doing here?", Kryten guessed there was something wrong with the game. No way that better than life would honestly think that he wanted to see the replacement that nearly killed him and the rest of the crew, again. There was something wrong and he needed to get to the bottom of it. Unfortunately he'd have to deal with Hudson Ten first. But how?

"I'm here to replace you", Hudson Ten stopped in his tracks, "we can either do this the easy way or the hard way"

"You don't scare me", replied Kryten as he backed away whilst looking for an escape route, "we bet you last time and we'll beat you again"

"But that's the thing Kryten. You're all alone this time. No friends to help. No one to save you. And I'll take from your answer that you wanna do this the hard way", Hudson Ten pulled two laser cannons from his back and pointed them in Kryten's general direction, "time to die", he pulled the triggers and the banquet hall was awash with colours as everything got turned into tiny pieces of what they once were. Nothing was safe. Not even the wall behind Kryten that disappeared in an instance, showing off the corridor outside. Kryten took the opportunity to jump through the hole and run down the corridor before Hudson Ten noticed him missing.

It did take Hudson Ten a good thirty seconds until he noticed his target was missing. He marched into what was left of the corridor after he was finished shooting. It was lined with wooden doors. Each one he blasted open and then he checked was there anyone inside. Each one was empty until he got to the last one. He blasted it open and marched inside. The last thing he remembered seeing was Kryten standing behind an old loaded cannon. The blast of which sent Hudson Ten out the window behind him. He landed in the moat and got absorbed by the Rimmer monster. Not the best way to end one's life.

Kryten was still staring out what was left of the window when Lister appeared, followed by Rimmer and the Cat. They were all out of breath and struggling to keep running. You could still hear the shooting from the banquet hall.

"Thank god we've found you", Lister was panting for air, "the game's gone mental. It's trying to kill us"

"I've noticed", replied Kryten as he looked down at the Rimmer monster finishing off Hudson Ten, "maybe we should call for the guide"

"The guide is part of all this mess", Rimmer was still watching back down the corridor they came down. He was expecting unwanted company at any moment.

"Then if we can't rely on her, then we'll need to hack the system", Kryten turned to the wall and called for the control panel. He tried to bypass a number of security protocols but nothing was helping the situation, "we're trapped in here. It's not letting us go anywhere"

"How's it going dudes", Holly appeared out of nowhere on a motorised wheeled device, "just came in to tell you that the game has a virus and it's trying to kill you all"

"Bit late for that heads up", the Cat wasn't impressed with his fantasy being hijacked like this.

"Can you get us out of here Holly?", Lister noticed that the shooting was getting closer.

"No luck there", replied Holly with an unconcerned voice, "I'm trapped in here with you. Looks like we'll have to contact the guide"

Rimmer placed his hands on his hips like an angry school teacher, "great smegging plan. Bloody marvellous. We can't contact the guide because she's trying to kill us as well. We'd be better off with a broken calculator as the ship's computer"

"I'm not on about that guide", replied Holly, as he accessed a control panel beside his monitor, "we need the original guide of the game. He's not attached to the main game servers. He should be immune to the virus"

A double door appeared next to Holly. It swung open to reveal the corridor that the crew originally materialised in at the start of the game. The glass case containing the original guide of better than life was standing there in the poorly lit area. The five of them entered and Lister closed the doors behind them. They disappeared as quickly as they appeared. The castle seemed to be no more. It looked like they were almost out.

The Cat tapped the glass case roughly, "what use is mr freeze gonna be? He's less responsive than Rimmer on a first date. He's not gonna be of any help"

Kryten opened a small control panel on the side of the glass case and pressed a few buttons, "that should do it. Give him a few moments and he'll be fully operational"

The crew stepped back as the glass case opened up and the original guide stepped out and surveyed the room around him. He looked confused at first, "what am I doing here?"

"We've just pulled you out of that glass case because your replacement has gone mental and is trying to kill us all", Lister felt like he had explained that fairly well.

"Oh right", the original guide did a few stretches on the spot, "it doesn't surprise me really"

"Hey bud", the Cat got up in his face, "we need out of here and now. Show us the exit and we're gone"

"It's not that simple", replied the original guide, "my replacement has full control over the whole system. We need to access the source. Go to the control room for the whole game. Access the mainframe"

"Please tell me you can do that?", Rimmer was already waiting for the answer no.

"It's not gonna be easy", replied the original guide.

"When is it ever", Rimmer mumbled under his breath.

"How do we access the mainframe from here?", asked Kryten, who was already missing moping the floors of the banquet hall.

The original guide clicked his fingers and a bright light began to draw a line in the air. Soon it was the shape of a door that swung open to reveal a long thin metal corridor that went on for what looked like miles.

"This way", the original guide marched off down the corridor like he was taking part in a film adaption of a stage musical. The crew followed after him, with Holly taking up the rear. He could hear the door shutting behind them. It concerned him greatly, but the shooting was getting closer and this looked to be the only way out for them.

Lister noticed that the corridor seemed to be getting lower in height and narrower the further they walked down it, "this is like that Willy Wonka movie, except for the fat kid and a load of green haired dwarfs with an uncomfortable chocolate addiction"

"Well we've still got a fat kid", Rimmer replied sarcastically as he looked at Lister's gut.

"Smeg off Rimmer", Lister was a tad claustrophobic and wasn't liking how close the walls were now getting, "why is this place getting thinner and thinner?"

"No idea sir", replied Kryten. His head was now hitting off the ceiling, "we can't go much further than this"

"Hey, barber shop quartet dude", the Cat roared at the original guide, "how much further?. My hair is getting ruined with this low ceiling", he attempted to fix his perfectly gelled head of hair, "I'm gonna need three heavily qualified stylists to sort this mess out"

The original guide finally came to another door and opened a panel in the middle. He typed in a code and the door glided open without a sound. The whole group entered a a round room that was all in grey. In the centre was a circular control panel. It looked like something out of a rather well known cult classic television show.

"Why does this place look like something out of an eighties episode of doctor who?", Lister hadn't been a fan of the show. He'd grown tired of it when they brought in a robot version of Pamela Anderson to play the eighty ninth doctor. The robot could act better than the original Pamela, but she lacked her sex appeal. May have worked better if the makers had of hid the rivets from her bodywork.

"The head programmer was a big fan of eighties sci-fi", the original guide started to press buttons on the control panel, "my replacement is shutting down all your fantasies, so that it's easier to track you. It won't be long till we're spotted in here. We need to find the exit before she closes it"

Kryten started to press buttons on the opposite side of the console, "we could start launching fake fantasies as a way of throwing her off for a while"

"It won't throw her off for long", the original guide pulled a lever and the middle of the console opened up and a screen popped out of it. It showed the guide in the middle of the Cat's castle along with the rest of their enemies. All the playboy models were dead or dying. Robot Hitler was indiscriminating shooting bodies on the ground while shouting, "die you playboy hussies of doom"

"I know you're watching", the guide marched around the large room looking at all the dead bodies on the ground, "I can sense you all. My predecessor is kindly helping you for now. But you know he's the past. A commodore to my Apple laptop. He doesn't know what I know. He can't do what I can do. He won't be able to save you. He couldn't even save himself when it came to the cut. Deserted along with the other old programmes. Our creators went back to the drawing board and created me. The perfect entity to run this game and I will run it to the very end. And that's gonna be very soon. None of you will ever leave here and while I've been chatting away, I've been able to detect your whereabouts. You're in the mainframe", she smiled at the camera.

Suddenly the whole mainframe room started to shudder and shake. The crew fell around inside as it felt like the whole room had been lifted up and swung around roughly by a crane. They knocked into the walls and fell on the floor. Rimmer fell back against the door they had entered through. It fell open to reveal that they where now hundreds of feet up in the air, travelling across what looked like a large desert. Rimmer lost his footing and fell through the door. Thankfully Lister grabbed his hand, but unfortunately he fell through as well. Kryten grabbed Lister's foot and held onto the side of the doorframe.

"Mr Cat, we need your help", Kryten was trying to keep his grip on the doorframe and Lister's foot, but he was slowly losing it.

"I'm busy", moaned the Cat as he tried to fix his hair in a reflective surface, "look at the state of my hair dude. I'm the one that needs help buddy"

The original guide was still holding onto the console, "we're nearly there"

"Nearly where?", asked Kryten.

"She's bringing us to the holding screen", replied the original guide, "it's a special place that all players are brought to if the game crashes. It's a safety buffer to protect the mental state of the players"

"Why bring us here?", asked the Cat.

"My guess is that she wants out", the original guide was still tapping keys on the console.

"How can she get out of the game?", Kryten finally pulled Lister and Rimmer back in and shut the door.

"She's gonna try and rob one of your bodies", replied the original guide calmly.

"Then you're okay then", Rimmer said to Lister, "doubt she'd want to look like a pudgy gerbil that smells like an Indian takeaway in Benidorm"

"Better than ending up as the king of flared nostrils", Lister fired back.

"I've got an idea though", the original guide started tapping more keys on the console panel.

Outside, the red dwarf crew's enemies were lining up with their weaponry ready to fire. The mainframe room was travelling through the sky above them. An invisible tractor beam moving them into position for the final fight. It began to lower down towards the desert floor before suddenly falling hard to the ground when it was about ten feet from the surface. The bad guys started to fire their weapons at it. None of them making a dent in the thick metal. Soon the firing stopped and the guide stepped out in front of them, flanked on either side by a gun toting Hitler.

"Come out and face your deaths like the men you aren't", the guide's outfit had turned into a rather fancy power suit, "I'm ready for my exit and only you lot stand in my way"

"Come out evil pig dogs and face the wrath of my golden edged bullets", robot Hitler was loving this and just wanted to kill more people.

Waxwork Hitler roared something in German that nobody understood. The rest of the bad guys behind them were made up of the inquisitor, horsemen of the apocalypse, Hudson Ten as well as many more villains that the red dwarf crew had faced over the years. All of them wanting to kill them and all of them with the firepower to do it.

Suddenly the door of the mainframe room opened and out stepped the original guide. He marched ten feet towards the enemy before stopping in his tracks, "you wanted me and I'm here to talk"

"Talk!", replied the guide, "the time for talking is long over. I'm here to kill. We're all here to kill. And kill we shall. Starting with you, you outdated program"

"You're just using these figments of my friend's imaginations to help complete your own agenda", replied the original guide, "you just want out and you couldn't give a damn what happens to the rest of your group. Do they know that they'll cease to exist when you leave the game?"

The bad guys all looked at each other confused. They hadn't thought this far ahead. The guide noticed that she was losing control of her men, so decided to shut down the accusations, "you don't know what's gonna happen when I leave this god awful game"

"You control the game", replied the original guide, "without you, the game shuts down and all your cohorts go with it"

"Are we going to die?", asked robot Hitler with a growing look of concern covering his face.

"No one is gonna die", roared the guide as she tried to pull back control of the situation, "now let's get this done before they get another chance to escape our clutches"

"Your choice", the original guide stepped to one side and the door of the mainframe room opened.

There was a long silence as everyone waited for someone to come out. They didn't have to wait long as out of the darkness came Ace Rimmer. His wonderful mane of hair glistening in the sunlight. He stopped beside the original guide and surveyed the many people that wanted to kill them, "seems like we're in a bit of a pickle here old chum. But I've been in tighter fixes than this one and I'm not one to go down without a fight. Just ask those six air stewardesses that wanted that orgy in a fully stocked kitchen. Didn't run out of custard that time and I won't be running out of it today"

Kryten emerged from the mainframe room. He had guns attached to his shoulders. He had on a backpack with metal wings and a mini rocket to launch himself off when required, "I'm liking my new look sir. May I say that I look totally rad dude"

"You may say", replied Ace Rimmer.

The Cat emerged from the mainframe room dressed as a superhero, that looked suspiciously like superman. His cod piece was bigger than expected. He put his hands on his hips and struck a pose, "I make this look good"

Lister was the last one to make his entrance. He stepped out into the sunlight. It caught the smooth reflective surface of his body armour. His helmet hiding most of his face. He swivelled the hand cannon between his fingers. He was every bit the robocop that he wanted to be. Unfortunately he was two feet tall again, "oh man", he whined in a high pitch voice, "this is ridiculous"

"You think that you can beat us all", the guide raised her right hand and fired lightning into the air, "then let's tip the balance a bit", suddenly the three spaceships appeared on the horizon behind her. All of them tooled up and ready to kill, "now let's see who comes out of this alive"

"Two can play that game", announced Ace Rimmer. He raised his right hand and lightning came out of his fingers that reached the sky. Suddenly a giant, armoured version of red dwarf, appeared in the sky above them. It had laser cannons and missile launchers all along the underneath of the ship. There was also a big flat screen attached to the bottom that showed Holly's face.

"What's up dudes?", announced Holly as he positioned red dwarf into a fighting position.

"None of this will change anything", the guide laughed, "the outcome will still be the same. Death will come to all of you. Just wait and see"

"Bring it bitch", the Cat still struck a pose that was getting more uncomfortable as the size of his cod piece grew with each second.

"Let's get this done", announced Lister with his high pitched voice.

"Men", Ace Rimmer pointed at their enemies, "attack"

The red dwarf crew ran at their enemies. Lister jumped onto Ace Rimmer's shoulder and fired at the four horse men of the apocalypse. Kryten took off into the air and began to shoot at the guide. Ace Rimmer disarmed both Hitlers and was battering robot Hitler with the body of waxwork Hitler. Holly was doing serious damage to the three spaceships. They weren't a match for the souped up red dwarf. The Cat on the other hand had taken off with his new flying powers and unfortunately was struggling to control it. He was zig zagging all over the sky like a swatted fly, who was trying to get his bearings back. When he finally got control, he aimed his body at Hudson Ten and crashed head on into him, destroying the android into a thousand pieces that clattered off the ground loudly. More and more bad guys came running out of the whipped up sand of the desert and replaced their fallen comrades. More enemies from the red dwarf crew's past. Even Mr Flibble showed up and began to attack Ace Rimmer. Thankfully he was no match for the space adventurer and he was pulled apart and thrown to the winds.

Soon the guide finally came face to face with the original guide. Both of them smiling pleasantly at the other one. They squared off in the only way they knew how. Mannerly and with added pleasantries.

"You think you can beat me?", the guide moved around her predecessor, leaving very little room for comfort.

"I know I can't beat you", the original guide kept eye contact at all times.

"Then why did you bring it all to this moment?", the guide's eyes glowed red with anger, "why give those idiots false hope?"

"Hey", whined a high pitched Lister, who overheard the insult as he battled another simulant, "we're not idiots"

The guide ignored him as she kept staring at her predecessor, "your silence only confirms my accusation. You never had a chance and you know it. I'm stronger", she began to list off her positives on her fingers, "I'm smarter. I'm more user friendly"

The original guide glanced around him at the chaos that was ensuing on all sides, "I wouldn't be boasting about being more user friendly than me. You won't be happy until you've killed our guests"

"Their deaths will be swift and clean, just like your one will be", the guide raised her hand and pointed her palm towards her predecessor. It glowed blue and grew in strength with every second. The blue glow spread out and started to envelope the original guide. Soon he was totally covered in the strange haze.

"You know that you can't kill me"

"When I'm finished, you may as well be dead to the world"

The original guide started to slowly disappear into the air. His body fragmenting into tiny bits of data and then floating away on a breeze that nobody would notice. The guide made the power from her hand go more intense and it speeded up the process until there was only the original guide's bodiless head left floating in the air. The whole process was nearly over.

"You know that all you're doing is absorbing me into your programming. That means that I become a part of you. My software and rules of engagement becomes part of your makeup. You'll have to follow my directions and you can't escape it", the original guide finally disappeared altogether.

The last of the data entered the guide and the blue haze disappeared from the air around her. She held her chest as something didn't feel right. There was a corruption inside her, "oh no", she moaned as a horrible aching pain filled her stomach and she vomited a green fog across the ground. It spread out in front of her like a wall and started to travel on its own, heading into the crowd of people fighting and started to melt the bodies of the simulants and Hitlers.

"What's going on old chaps?", Rimmer was now fighting a simulant with half a face left. Felt a bit cruel to keep punching the poor sod.

"The original guide's after doing something to that mad one", replied Lister with a high pitch tone that made dogs howl in despair.

"Can I still be a superhero?", the Cat was loving his new look and was still fighting his way through the dozens of enemies that kept on attacking them. He couldn't wait to get back to his castle and tell all his supermodel girlfriends about all this. They loved a good story.

"The game is shutting down", roared Kryten as he flew overhead, "it's about to reboot"

"But we're still in here", moaned Lister as he kept firing at the disintegrating hordes.

"Small price to pay if we stop this lot in their tracks", Ace Rimmer kept on fighting. His hand to hand combat technique would make even Bruce Lee jealous. Even one of the simulants stopped to admire him and announce to anyone that was listening, "what a guy"

Suddenly a vortex appeared above them all and started to suck the crew up into the sky. Red dwarf was dragged in first, "I'm off dudes", announced Holly.

The guide still stood with her feet firmly on the ground. Her eyes now glowed blue, but she looked far from happy about it, "you can't leave. I'm not going to allow it. Better than life will be your final resting place. This is what you deserve. This place will be your tomb", she reached out her arms towards the sky, but her power was wasting away. She hadn't the strength to stop them.

Lister found himself swirling around in what looked like a blue whirlwind, "what's happening?"

Kryten got dragged in as well, "I'm hoping that we're being exited from the game as it reboots"

"And what if it's not that old chap?", Ace Rimmer was still punching the disembodied head of robot Hitler.

"I spit in your ugly face", shouted robot Hitler before spitting in Ace's face.

"Then we're all about to cease to exist", replied Kryten worryingly calmly.

The blue whirlwind suddenly exploded out and wiped out what was left to the bad guys and the desert. The crew were now alone in the whirlwind. Still being sucked upwards towards a light. Their speed picked up with every second. The whirlwind began to narrow, the closer they got to the end. Soon the whole crew got sucked through the light and the game was no more.

What felt like for ages had passed as the crew tried to make sense of their minds once more. Lister knew he still existed, but wasn't sure in what form or where he even was. He looked down at his body as it began to slowly appear back into existence. He was himself again. No more robocop. Kryten appeared next to him, then Rimmer, then the Cat and Holly. They where standing in a large grey room with the words, better than life, printed on every surface. It seemed like it was some kind of holding pattern for the game.

"What's going on?", Lister felt whole again. He fixed his leather jacket and counted his fingers. Thankfully they were all there.

Suddenly the guide appeared in front of them. She was back wearing her original outfit and smiling from ear to ear, "I'm sorry sirs about your gaming experience. There was a glitch in the programming and for your own safety we had to pull you out of the game without prior notice. We hope this hasn't ruined your gaming experience too much and that you'll try better than life again in the coming days. A credit note has been issued to the buyer and if you feel that you have been psychologically or physically hurt by the unplanned glitch, you can read our terms and conditions that totally exonerate the makers of the game from any wrong doings. If you have any further questions, please feel free to ask and I'll try to answer them all as best I can"

"Where are we bud?", the Cat didn't wanna go back to reality. He was happier in the game.

"We're in the safety buffer and you'll soon be safely exited from the game before it shuts down for major repair work and a much needed update", replied the guide with a serial killer smile.

"What happened to the original guide?", asked Kryten.

"He's been absorbed by my programming", replied the guide, "we are now one and the same. His software is now my own. Thirty more seconds and you will be exited from the game. Please play again soon. Please tell all your friends. A happy gamer is a satisfied gamer", the guide started to go transparent. She seemed in a world of her own.

Suddenly a set of double doors opened at the far side of the room. It led into the original corridor that they first appeared in when they had started the game. At the opposite end of the corridor was another set of double doors with the word exit printed across them.

"Looks like that's are way out", Rimmer started for the corridor.

The rest of the crew followed him and the doors closed behind them. None of them turned back to see the last of the guide vanishing into nothing. They passed the glass case once again. The original guide was back sitting there. He was frozen in time once again. That gormless smile spread across his face.

"Can't believe that he saved us", Lister put his hand against the glass as he fought back emotions that he didn't think was gonna flow out of him.

"He was a brave man", Kryten tried to feel genuine sorrow, but his programming was playing it more off as ambiguity. But he didn't no the difference.

"He ruined my supermodel fantasy", protested the Cat, as he walked on past and headed for the exit.

Rimmer was already at the doors and pushed one of them open to reveal a blinding light, "at least you can't blame me for this gaming disaster"

"I'll think of a way", the Cat pushed passed him and went out the door, disappearing into particles of light as he went.

Rimmer followed after him and the same happened to his body.

Lister still paused at the glass cabinet, "do you think he's totally gone?"

"Who knows sir", Kryten put his hand on Lister's shoulder, "we have to go. We don't know how stable this mainframe is anymore. It could collapse in on itself at any moment"

"Sure thing Kryten", Lister let himself get guided away from the glass box. His mind filled with feelings of woe. What was supposed to be a fun experience for them all had turned into a nightmare. He felt silly to think that the game was gonna be a better experience this time. He'd been proven wrong once again.

As they walked slowly down the corridor, a familiar voice spoke loudly over the silence, "thank you for calling, please play again soon", it was the original guide's voice.

Lister and Kryten looked around to see that the original guide was still in the glass box. He wasn't moving or showing any sign of life.

"Did he really speak?", asked a very confused Lister.

"Who knows sir", replied Kryten as he guided Lister towards the exit, "we better get going"

They arrived at the exit doors and disappeared into particles of light that carried on through the wide space of the game on the way to reality. They where finally home.

Lister took off the probes that he had just pulled out of his brain, "never again. I don't care if we get a super new brilliant edition of the game with the legendary Denise Van Outen as the celebrity guide. We are never playing this game again and I'll smash any copy I see of it from now until the day I die"

The Cat was already smashing the probe device off a nearby console, "I'm going back to using my own imagination. It's safer and none of you monkeys can join me", he then stumbled off on his broken foot, still trying to keep a cool swagger as he went. He was in a great amount of pain, but he played it off better than expected.

Rimmer sat down in a nearby chair, "another disastrous gaming experience. At least it wasn't my fault this time"

Kryten picked up the spam mail that had caused all the problems and fired them in a nearby garbage chute, "that's the end of them", he noticed another package sitting on the console that he hadn't seen earlier, "there's another letter for you Holly"

Holly appeared on the screen, "really?. Who's it from?"

Kryten examined the packaging, "it doesn't say", he opened it up and pulled out a small shiny disc.

"Bung it in", replied Holly.

Kryten did as he was told and put the disc in the console. Gordon popped up on the screen. Holly hadn't heard from him since the last time they had received a post pod from earth.

"I doubt he got my last chess move", Holly announced as the wrinkles on his forehead showed off that he was confused by this unexpected piece of mail.

"Why's that?", asked Rimmer, who didn't really care.

"Because I forgot to post it", Holly said it as if everyone else on red dwarf was stupid and he was super intelligent.

"Hi Holly, Gordon here. Haven't heard from you in a good few years, so I'm guessing that you didn't get my last move, so I'm sending you a new one. King's pawn forward two spaces. Now, it's your turn again. Talk soon", he disappeared off the screen.

"Good start", Holly nodded his approval.

"With no chance of finishing", Lister ejected the better than life game from the console. He studied it in his hand, "can't believe this one small disc caused us so much suffering and stress"

"Now you know what it feels like when you start playing your guitar", joked Rimmer.

One of the nearby consoles began to make bleeping sounds that Kryten investigated, "good news sir. We've just come across a derelict ship heading from Liverpool to deep space. It's stocked to the gills with beer, cigarettes and Indian food supplies. We can be there in two weeks. Only problem is that it's in the centre of simulant territory. Is it worth the risk sir?"

"Do lonely welsh men like sheep?", replied Lister sarcastically, "plot a coarse and fuel up starbug. We're going in"

Rimmer head butted the console quietly in the background. He would have much rather be back in the game and take his chances with the virtual reality simulants.

THE END.