Chapter 25 – Lesbos

"Do you want to shower?" Brittany asked her. It was so late and she was so tired but she knew she needed a shower; she could only imagine how Santana felt.

Santana nodded and bit her bottom lip. "Britt? Um … I … um … don't want to hurt your feelings but I … I think I need to shower alone right now."

Brittany nodded, trying not to be hurt. She was concerned and, intellectually, she understood Santana's need to be alone right now. "Promise me you'll call for me if you need me?" She held out her pinky.

Santana smiled wanly and linked her pinky with Brittany's. "I promise. I just need to wash the hospital … and that woman … off me. And," tears welled up in her eyes, "I can't even face you touching me like that until I've gotten rid of her."

Brittany drew Santana into her arms. "I get it, honey, but if it becomes too much I want you to call for me."

Santana nodded. "I will."

"Santana," Brittany called as Santana made her way to the bathroom, "this wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."

Santana nodded.

"Say it."

Santana's voice was barely a whisper. "It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong."

She couldn't quite meet Brittany's eyes but Brittany would take the baby step.

Xoxoxoxoxo

When Brittany came out of the shower, Santana wasn't in their room. The balcony door was slightly ajar so she made her way outside; Santana was sitting in one of the chairs watching the moonlight ripple on the Aegean.

"Hey," she said softly as she settled on Santana's lap, wrapping her arms around Santana's neck as Santana's arms instinctively wrapped around Brittany's waist.

"Hi," Santana smiled tiredly. She looked tired but not as pale.

"I know you're not but … you okay?"

Santana sighed softly. "I will be."

Brittany shuffled a bit so she could lay her head on Santana's shoulder.

"You remember in Paris? After Brussels? When I woke up from a nightmare and you found me in the bathroom?"

Santana nodded.

"I want you to make me the same promise you made me make to you."

"Britt …"

"No, Santana, you said I wasn't a bother and that you'd always worry about me and I feel the same way. You're never a bother and I'm going to worry. If you have a nightmare or you just need to be held or you need to cry or whatever it is … you wake me up or come find me or call me or whatever." Brittany picked her head up and looked Santana in the eye. "So promise me you won't shut me out. Promise me you'll lean on me the way you let me lean on you. It's probably going to get worse before it gets better, you know? I know I still have my moments and I know you're going to have yours but … the best way for us to deal with things is to deal with them together. Not alone. You're not alone, Santana."

The Latina smiled at her; it was closer to a real smile than Santana had shown since she bought Brittany those earrings. "Okay, Britt. I promise." She held out her pinky and Brittany joined them together, then kissed Santana on her forehead.

"You almost ready for bed?"

Santana nodded. "Yeah."

Brittany stood up and offered Santana her hand. Santana took it and Brittany led them into the bedroom.

Xoxoxoxoxo

Santana had seen Brittany's slight hesitation.

"Britt?" Her voice was small and almost imperceptible.

"San … I want to hold you and make you feel safe but I don't want to scare you or smother you or anything. So …" she lied down and opened her arms. "if you want me, I'm here." She smiled softly at the Latina who rewarded her with a small smile.

Santana slid under the covers and scooted over to Brittany. Brittany's arms closed around her and she felt safe. She felt … home. She sighed softly as she slipped one arm around Brittany's waist, the other trapped between their two bodies.

She was asleep in moments.

Xoxoxoxoxo

Santana woke up because her fingers were tingling painfully. Her hand was bent at an awkward angle between her body and Brittany's and had fallen asleep. She shifted slightly, trying to get her hand in a more comfortable position, and Brittany's arms tightened around her.

"Mine," she mumbled, her breathing still deep and even, obviously still asleep.

Santana smiled; even sleeping, Britt tried to protect her.

She finally managed to move her hand and alleviate the discomfort and drifted back off to sleep.

Xoxoxoxoxo

Santana sighed as she woke up again. This time it was her bladder. She tried to move but Brittany's arms simply tightened around her again.

She kissed the underside of Brittany's jaw. "Babe, you need to let go of me."

"Never," she mumbled, again seemingly still asleep.

Santana had to giggle and tried again.

"Britt, baby," she said clearly.

Brittany, like a mother with a sick child, was awake instantly.

"What? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, honey, I just need to pee."

"Oh. Okay." Brittany drifted back off to sleep.

"Briiiitttt …"

"Huh?" Brittany sniffed. "What?"

"I have to pee but I can't do that if you won't loosen your grip."

Brittany finally seemed to understand what Santana was saying and took her arms from around Santana.

Santana got up and made use of the facilities and brushed her teeth for the fourth time; Brittany's scent had managed to chase away that woman's but she couldn't get the taste of copper out of her mouth.

She smiled as she came back into the bedroom; Brittany had fallen back to sleep on her back with one hand on her stomach and the other flung, in invitation, across Santana's side of the bed.

Santana slipped into the bed and curled up against Brittany. Brittany curled her arm around Santana and rolled onto her side, trapping Santana between herself and the mattress.

Santana couldn't breathe. She was being attacked. She started to struggle, striking out at her assailant.

The weight lifted off her but she continued to try and strike out. Her wrists hurt as they were grabbed.

"Santana, honey, it's me. It's Brittany." A soothing voice. A voice she knew.

Santana was in the hotel bed; Brittany was kneeling next to her, holding her wrists. Santana whimpered and Brittany let her go.

"I'm sorry, baby. You were swinging so wildly …"

Santana looked at Brittany and burst into tears and suddenly she was in those familiar arms and breathing that familiar scent. Her panic ebbed; she could breathe again.

Brittany was holding her, rocking her.

"What happened, sweetheart?"

"I … I don't know. Last thing I knew I was curling up against you and then I was pinned between my attacker and the fence again."

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry." Brittany's voice sounded like she was about to cry.

"What? Why?"

"I pinned you to the mattress. When you curled into me, I rolled over and …"

"Britt," Santana looked up at her, "not your fault.

Santana looked at Brittany for a long moment.

"We can't do this," Santana said.

"What? What do you mean?" Brittany's voice held a touch of panic.

"No, baby, no! Not us," Santana quickly corrected. She took a deep breath and ordered her thoughts. "I don't want us to constantly be apologizing and feeling guilty for things we don't or can't control." She frowned. "When someone apologizes, they're supposed to be acknowledging that they did something wrong and they won't do it again. You didn't do anything wrong. And, honey, you will roll over in your sleep again and I might get caught between you and the mattress. It's happened before. You can't control that and there's nothing to be sorry for. You know what I'm saying?"

Brittany nodded. "Yeah, I get it. So what do we do? I mean, like you said, it's going to happen and I feel really awful about it …"

"Instead of 'I'm sorry' we say 'I love you' or 'I'm here, you're safe' … positive things. Saying 'I'm sorry' so often for things that we can't control kind of makes apologies … meaningless? I guess?"

"I am sorry I grabbed your wrists, though. I didn't want to hurt you."

Santana shook her head. "I'm glad you did, Britt. I don't ever want to hit you … mistake or not. I never want to hurt you at all but I really never want to physically hit you. I don't want you to get hurt because you're afraid of hurting me. You probably saved us both more serious injuries and I'd have felt guilty forever if I'd have hit you."

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Britt."

"Ready to try and get some actual rest?" Brittany glanced at the bedside clock. "It's five-thirty; hopefully we can get at least six hours uninterrupted sleep."

Santana nodded. "Oh, yeah. I'm ready."

Brittany lied back down and opened her arms; Santana crawled into them and threw a leg over Brittany's hips. Within moments, they were both sound asleep.