Title - Feels Like Home
Setting - 4 years after A Queen Without Crown/ 2 years after Her Most Solemn Hour
Summary - Four years had passed since Emma had showed up on the doorstep of the mayoral mansion on her 28th birthday. Everything has changed and yet a piece of her heart is still missing. She wants to marry the woman of her dreams, but something is holding her back. Something she is afraid of sharing with Regina. She wants to know where she came from first. "A Queen Without A Crown" series
Trigger Warnings will be posted in each chapter
Well, here we are again. I just want to thank everyone for being so patient. This one was a hard one to plan out. It went into a million different directions until I finally figured out exactly how to tell Emma's story. Be prepared for fluffy moments with Emma and Regina but also the hard moments. We're gonna cry and laugh with Emma as we figure out exactly where she came from on her own journey of self discovery. Thank you so much for all your support and patience. You're in for a ride.
Happy Reading.
Prologue - Somewhere in Maine, 31 years ago
The onslaught of rain had forced the 16 year old dark haired and hazel eyed girl to hide out in a diner for a couple hours on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere Maine. She had run away so far that her parents or anyone else she knew wouldn't find her or the little baby she had kept hidden. For nine months she had managed to hide her pregnancy thanks to the fact that her parents were too wrapped up in their own lives and problems to fully pay attention to her. Besides from the rude comment of gaining weight from her mother, they never even suspected she was pregnant. Their negligence was the exact reason she was able to sneak away long enough to give birth in a gas station bathroom and then take the baby far away where know one could ever track her to being its mother.
She wasn't proud of what she was about to do, but she felt as if she didn't have a choice. She couldn't raise it when she was just a child herself. She had her whole life ahead of her and she couldn't bear the thought of throwing it away over a child that she never wanted. She could barely even look at it. This baby would only drag her down and surely her parents would disown her especially if they found out about the way she had gotten pregnant. She was so ashamed of it she couldn't imagine any other reaction from them. This squirming crying thing would only drag her life further into darkness and if she wanted her life to get better, she needed to get rid of it.
She had been a stupid girl, showing up to a party she didn't belong in. She let him into her life, let him into her heart. She charmed him like he did her and then he wanted more… He wanted what she wasn't willing to give and then he took it. She couldn't look at the baby in her arms without wanting to burst into tears and so she kept her eyes averted, staring out the window and waiting for the rain to end. The diner was runned down and in the middle of nowhere, probably serving as a pit stop for truckers. Her cold cup of coffee laid untouched before her. The baby's cries were an echo in the distance as she watched the droplets of rain streaming down the wet glass.
The waiters gave her odd looks every now and then but none of them really cared enough to approach her booth and check in on her. When the rain finally stopped, she slapped down whatever bills and change she had in her pocket and rushed outside into the cold crisp air. She had hours to think about the severity of what she was doing, but she felt numb just as she did throughout the entire pregnancy. She had no remorse for the cruel and despicable thing she was about to do.
The baby squirmed and cried in her yellow knitted blanket as she ran across the road and out of sight of the diner windows where the waiters couldn't see her. She chose a patch of grass not too close to the highway but close enough for a passing car to find. She made sure it was bundled up tightly, tucking it in the blanket and taking a moment to finally look at it for once instead of averting her eyes. It had stopped crying and was looking up at her with blue green eyes. His eyes. Her stomach churned in disgust and she felt bile rising and burning her throat.
"I can't take care of a baby," she said, her voice cracking with a sudden surge of emotion for everything she has been through in just under a year. "I can't raise you. I can't love you. I can't be the one to comfort you or feed you. I can't be a mother. I didn't deserve what happened to me and you don't deserve to be raised by a mother who can't even look at you without being reminded of…" She couldn't say his name. "I hope you find someone who can give you what you need… A home. And that isn't with me. If you survive, don't ever come looking for me."
The baby raised its arm out and she quickly tucked it back in so it didn't catch a draft. The front of the blanket read a name in purple embroidery. She frowned. She never even bothered to name it. She found the blanket in a thrift store.
"Good bye, Emma," she whispered.
Chapter 1 Make A Wish
The autumn leaves fell from the trees in shades of red, gold, and brown creating a canopy over Storybrooke and creating a picturesque vision of the quiet little town of Maine. The late rays of the afternoon sun glowed, creating a golden aura among the trees and rooftops that cascaded off the golden layers of golden dead leaves. The October air was crisp and everyone was bundled up in coats, gloves and beanies as they made their way to the little blue house that wasn't too far from the marina. Regina was standing out on the porch, dressed in a peacoat that covered her black cocktail dress. Her hair was short and layered again, wavy and curled at the ends. She chose to enunciate her eyes with dark black and gray smokey makeup and finished off the look with red lipstick. She knew how much Emma loved when she wore red lipstick. She greeted her party guests as they came in one after the other as she simultaneously kept an eye out for a certain special someone. The heavy wind blew her hair so that it tickled her face and neck. Her face felt numb from the cold and she was annoyed that the cold windy weather ruined the party she had worked so hard to plan.
Despite the cold weather, everyone seemed happy as they mingled inside and even out in the garden where her magnificent but appleless tree still stood, healthy and vibrant compared to when it had first been transferred. She and Henry had hung fairy lights and lanterns, making the garden as beautiful and magical as possible. Tables were set up along with a buffet of different foods and treats which consisted of her famous pies and lasagna. David and Mary Margaret had helped her set a tarp over the buffet to protect it once it started getting windy. She even set up an open bar, so that guests could help themselves, her cider being the main attraction.
All that was missing was the sheriff of Storybrooke who had no idea what she was coming home to. So she stood out on the porch, long after guests stopped arriving until the yellow bug finally pulled up into the driveway. Regina was so excited to see her she met her halfway as the blonde sheriff of Storybrooke came out of the bug wearing her signature red leather jacket. Emma caught her as Regina rushed up to her and hugged her tightly. Emma laughed, lifting her up a bit as she kissed her deeply. Regina placed her hands on her cheeks, holding her even as they slowly pulled away. Emma's eyes looked her up and down, clearly appreciating her attire this evening.
"You look so beautiful," she said, taking her hand as they walked back to the house. Regina felt her cheeks warm a bit at the compliment. "What's the occasion, love?"
"Your birthday," she frowned. Did Emma forget?
Emma stopped to turn and look at her as a look of realization flashed across her face. She let out a sigh of resignation.
"Gina, I said no surprises," she sighed. "I'm perfectly fine with a quiet evening of just the two of us and Henry."
"It was never a surprise," she shook her head. "You knew I was planning something special, I just didn't tell you what."
"That's a surprise," Emma laughed as Regina tugged her forward and led her up the steps. As soon as she opened the door, all of their guests shouted out happy birthday and Regina watched as Emma's face went from complete shock to complete joy. She was glowing with happiness as she stepped in and started greeting and thanking her friends and family.
This was the first time she had thrown Emma a surprise party. She had been nervous at first that it might be overwhelming, but Emma clearly enjoyed the surprise despite her earlier claims. As they started to mingle among their friends, Henry rushed in from the back yard, nearly as tall as both of his mothers now at the age of 14.
"Happy birthday Ma!" He wrapped her in his arms and Emma laughed, her green eyes sparking as she kissed his forehead and held him close. She met Regina's eyes over his shoulder and smiled endearingly at her. She loved the surprise, no matter how much she denied it. Regina blew her a kiss. She knew how hard it was for Emma to celebrate her birthday. She had always celebrated them alone before coming to Storybrooke, and now Regina made sure that Emma always felt special on her birthday even if she insisted for her to not go out of her way to celebrate.
When Henry finally pulled away, Emma was pulling Regina into her arms and holding her. She felt her bury her face in her shoulder, and she could feel the vibrations of her trying to suppress a sob. Regina knew how much this meant to her. How much Emma needed this even when she refused to celebrate. She felt a sob against her neck and Regina kissed the side of her head.
"Ssh, my love," she whispered. "You know I would never just let your birthday go by without celebrating. It's your night, dear. I want you to feel how much we all love you."
Emma pulled away to look at her with red teary eyes. She smiled and kissed her right in front of all their friends. Regina deepened the kiss, suddenly wishing they were alone. She wanted to take her upstairs and show her exactly how much she loved her. She would have to wait till tonight for a final surprise.
"Moms!" Henry groaned in embarrassment and Emma laughed against her lips as they pulled away.
"Come, let's get you a drink," Regina said, leading her out to the yard where Emma was surprised at the set up. The sun was setting, and the fairy lights and lanterns looked beautiful against the golden rays of the sun. Her magnificent apple tree was lit up with fairy lights as well. The food table and bar were also lit up. People were mingling with plates of food and drinks in their hands.
"Babe," Emma laughed, hugging her close to her side and pressing a kiss to her cheek. "This is beautiful!"
"I had some help," she smirked, proud of how it all came together.
They made it down the porch to the drink bar and once they each had a drink in their hand, they started mingling with their friends. Emma was shocked when Mal had approached her. Regina and Mal still kept in touch. They continued having remote therapy sessions a few times a month to check in. Mal was more than happy to make the long drive down to Storybrooke. She was actually renting a room at Grannies Inn and then driving back to the cabin the next morning. Usually she would offer Mal the guest room, but she had plans tonight with Emma. She even arranged for Henry to spend the night with the Zimmerman twins.
"Mal, you drove all this way?" Emma asked, her eyes glistening that someone cared enough to go through the trouble of making such a long trip just to make it to her party. Mal gave her an assuring smile as she hugged her in greeting.
"Of course dear," she said. "I wouldn't miss it. Birthdays are meant to be celebrated."
Mal gave her a knowing look as she said this, the kind that Regina had come to learn that she knew exactly of the turmoils swirling in Emma's head. Somehow she was always able to figure out if something was weighing heavily on one's mind. Emma furrowed her brow, a bit reluctant but accepted her words with a slight nod and small smile. She took a nervous sip of her drink. Regina rubbed a comforting hand on her back, hoping to give just a bit of reassurance. She had a feeling she might be feeling overwhelmed from all the attention.
Suddenly a certain someone caught her eye as Mal and Emma conversed. Ursula, a woman who had just moved to Storybrooke from New York, was by the bar. She worked at the aquatics rescue down by the pier. Regina had run into her a few times during her walks on the beach and had come to know her. She was fun and sassy. Super down to earth, and like Mal, she had a deep connection to animals, or at least to aquatics. She was even more ecstatic when she had learned that she was into women, and she thought that they would make the perfect pair. She wanted Mal to meet her, even if nothing more than friendship were to happen.
"I want you to meet someone," Regina said, taking Mal's hand and leading her to the bar. Mal was a bit surprised, exchanging confused glances with Emma as she followed her.
"Regina, your cider is amazing!" Ursula complimented as they approached her. She took another sip of her drink, letting out a hum of approval.
"Thank you, I actually want you to meet a dear friend of mine," she said, squeezing Mal's hand. "This is Dr. Malory Blaze. She's a psychologist that incorporates horses into her treatments. Mal, this is Ursula. She just moved here. She works at the aquatics rescue center by the pier."
"You work with animals?" Mal asked curiously as Regina let go of her hand so that she could discreetly step away. As she made her way back to Emma she could hear them talking about the animals they worked with. Emma was looking at her with a knowing affectionate look gleaming in her green eyes.
"Did you just play matchmaker?" she asked and Regina shrugged her shoulders. She simply saw an opportunity and she took it.
"They have a lot in common," Regina stated, sipping her drink and watching as they talked. Ursula laughed at something Mal had said. She had the kind of laugh that was big and contagious and she watched as a giggle broke free from the usually stoic woman. Mal's eyes were glowing, and she had the feeling she was watching the start of a beautiful friendship or hopefully something beyond friendship.
"You know what, I can see it," Emma nodded, finally seeing what she was seeing. A connection was already made between the two women through their love for animals.
Regina didn't even get a chance to respond when suddenly a little body was barreling into her leg and wrapping his little arms around her.
"GiGi!" Neal squealed looking up at her with big blue eyes. Regina laughed as she handed Emma her drink and picked up the blonde two year old, hugging him and placing kisses on his chubby cheeks. Her heart felt like it was gonna burst from how much she loved the little boy.
"Sorry, he snuck away from me," Mary Margaret rushed over. Regina gave Neal a stern look.
"Did you run away from mommy again?" The two year old pouted in her arms and she couldn't resist kissing his cheeks again, enticing a laugh from the little boy. Emma's eyes were glowing as she watched her with him. There was a kind of emotion, a look of sadness and awe all swirled into one in those greens orbs that she couldn't quite decipher exactly.
"Sorry mama," he said, hugging Regina around her neck and distracting her.
"Mommy can't keep up with you little man," Emma said, rubbing his back as he clinged to Regina. Mary Margaret shook her head in fond disbelief for her son's antics. He loved running to Regina for protection whenever he was getting into mischief.
"He's getting faster and faster by the day," Mary Margaret laughed as David came to join them. He put an arm around his wife as he greeted her and Emma.
"Did you know about this?" Emma asked him with a suspicious gleam in her eyes.
"Yup, in fact I helped," he replied, his tone smug and Emma narrowed her eyes at him. "Happy birthday, by the way."
"Thank you," she smiled, sounding much more relaxed than she did when she walked in. That meant Emma was enjoying herself. If her hands weren't full of the cuddly toddler, Regina would have initiated some kind of comforting touch. All she could do was give Emma a small knowing smile.
They talked for a while, catching up and reminiscing. Regina's relationship with Mary Margaret had steadily progressed as time went on. They would never forget about the hurt and anger they had gone through, but they had reached a place where they were able to forgive each other. They took it day by day, slowly rediscovering this new relationship. Regina couldn't say they were exactly friends, but more along the line of acquaintances. The intense anger Regina once held for her was now snuffed out and in its place was a longing for a fresh start. And that fresh start came in the form of a little boy that had stolen her heart the moment she first held him. Neal became the glue between them and Regina knew without a doubt that she would do anything for him just like she would do anything for Henry.
It wasn't until Neal was falling asleep on her shoulder then Mary Margaret decided to take him and start heading home. The poor woman was exhausted from the challenges of early motherhood and Regina was grateful that she made an effort to come and help with setting up. She would have understood if she decided to stay home.
As always, Regina was sad to see Neal go. She and Emma walked them out, exchanging hugs and wishing them goodnight. Emma shut the door behind them and pulled her into her arms, always sensing when she felt a bit sad.
"There was a time where being in their presence made you so fearful and angry," Emma whispered, holding her tight and placing a sweet kiss just below her ear. "You've come such a long way, baby. I'm so proud of you."
"That was a long time ago," Regina said, pulling away to look at her. She frowned when she saw that same sad look in Emma's eyes that she had when she was watching her with Neal. "Emma, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Emma slightly shook her head as if clearing it. The look was gone as she took Regina's hand and led her back to the garden.
Emma was in awe that Regina had gone through so much trouble to make her birthday special. She had nearly teared up as she walked through the door to see all their friends and family wishing her a happy birthday. Regina had always gone out of her way to make her birthdays special, even during the years when she had been drowning in her depression. This was the first time she threw a party, and Emma realized that perhaps it was because she was ready to be among so many people. Emma was so damn proud of her. She was also so touched that Regina made sure she was comfortable, knowing that she's never had a birthday party before. At first she was overwhelmed, but now she found herself actually enjoying herself. In some way this was a milestone, for the both of them. Regina was attentive to her feelings all evening as if she were worried that the party might bring up some dark emotions, but she had assured her she was feeling the complete opposite of that. She was touched. She felt so loved. Sometimes it was still so hard to believe that she had finally found her family after growing up as a lost girl.
They found themselves standing under her lit apple tree after they had walked Mary Margaret and David out with their sleeping son on his shoulder. She and Regina took a break from mingling with their friends and instead laughed and bantered with a drink in each of their hands. Regina had just made the decision to discontinue her medication, and with it came some side effects in her moods, but over time she slowly overcame the withdrawal and this was the first time she was able to have a drink in years.
Her eyes were sparkling. She was giddy from the buzz of her cider and her laugh was like music to Emma's ears. Her laugh that she would never ever take for granted. She couldn't help but kiss her, blindly setting her drink down on the brick planter that encased the tree so she could bring her hands up to her cheeks and then slide them through her hair. Regina leaned into her, setting her drink down as well and kissing her back just as passionately. She tasted of apple cider and chocolate cupcakes and Emma suddenly just wanted this party to end so she could take her upstairs. When they pulled away, Regina must have seen the desire in her eyes because she cupped her cheek, leaning in to whisper in her ear to be patient and then kissed her cheek.
"Wait right here," Regina said after a few silent moments and then rushed back into the house through the glass sliding door.
Emma couldn't help the amused chuckle from escaping her lips as she waited for her to return. She picked up her drink, finishing it off before setting the cup back down on the planter besides Regina's. She looked around at all their guests. She could see all her friends laughing and having a great time. Mal was still conversing with Ursula, completely relaxed compared to the stern professionalism she always held herself in. Ruby, Granny, Archie, Katherine, Fedrick… They were all here.
For a moment a sense of surrealism washed over her and she couldn't help but just bask in the moment and forget all about the troubles and insecurities that have been swirling in her head these past weeks. A deep insecurity had developed since the moment she first saw Regina hold a newborn Neal, insecurities that had festered little by little each day for the past two years. She realized after the little boy had been born and as Regina started to develop a deep connection with him, that she wanted a future with Regina and their kid. She wanted to marry her. She wanted to have babies. She wanted to take that next step with her in their relationship, but something held her back. Despite finding her family, she still didn't know where she came from.
Her birthday had always served as a reminder of her past. Of the loneliness and sadness that surrounded her childhood. Every year she became more quiet, more depressed during the days leading up to her birthday and Regina had definitely noticed because she always tried her best to make her feel so loved. She always went out of her way to make her feel special and she loved her so much for it. It absolutely killed her that she couldn't share these worries with her, of her reluctance to move their relationship forward until she figured out exactly where she came from. She needed to know who her parents were. Why did they abandon her? It was something she needed to figure out if she were to ever be completely happy. And that was the exact reason she couldn't tell Regina. She was afraid of hurting her, of making her feel like she wasn't enough.
Regina rushed out and Emma's heart melted as she spotted the cupcake in her hand. Ever since Emma had told Regina about the wish she had made on a cupcake the night Henry had showed up on her doorstep, it had become a small tradition between them. Every year Regina presented a beautiful cupcake with a single candle. Emma teared up as she held out the vanilla flavored cupcake with blue frosting.
"Happy birthday and happy anniversary, my darling," Regina smiled, taking Emma back to the night they first met. It was such a long time ago now. They were both so different. Emma was closed off and alone while Regina was so fearful and hurt. They celebrated Emma's birthday and their anniversary together, because it was the night both of their lives had changed. "Make a wish."
Emma closed her eyes and blew out the candle.
She made a wish that could never come true.
Regina had pulled her up the stairs and into their bedroom the moment the last of their guests had gone home. She had claimed she had one last gift and that was her wearing a very revealing lingerie of red lace. Emma couldn't keep her hands off her especially since it matched her red lipstick. She was so beautiful, so confident and Emma was a bit surprised as she took the lead. Even as time had passed, Regina still had moments of uncertainty in the bedroom. Sex at times was still so scary to her. There were still rare instances where Regina would fearfully shy away or even shut down, but Emma was right there with her, pulling her out of the darkness and back into her arms. Tonight though, none of her fears seemed to take precedence, because she moved with purpose with each gentle caress of her hands, with soft passionate kisses of red lips that matched red lace, and with each time she brought her to her peak. Regina made her feel so worthy, so loved when just a few years ago she was sitting alone in her apartment with a cupcake and a single birthday candle. The insecurities that have been weighing her down tonight were forgotten as they got lost in their love for one another. Seeing Regina reach that level of pleasure was always so beautiful to her when before it had been moments of uncertainty. Regina had grown so much in embracing her sexuality, in learning to trust herself and in trusting Emma.
They had ended up cuddling under the blankets in each other's arms when they had been too exhausted to continue. Regina was snuggled up against her chest, the red lingerie now thrown across the room and her red lipstick had been completely wiped off. Emma ran her hand up and down her back, her fingers feeling the ridged lines of the scars she had just been kissing earlier.
"I love you," Emma whispered into the silence of the room. "For always making my birthday so special." Regina opened her eyes and leaned forward to kiss her, shifting so that she was slightly on top of her. When she pulled away, Emma was met with dark loving eyes although she could see traces of uncertainty in them.
"You were quiet tonight," she observed with a worried frown. Emma knew this was coming. Regina had been very attentive tonight, and that usually happened when she knew Emma had something on her mind.
"I was just thinking how life was before I met you, before Henry found me and brought me home." She felt so ashamed for not being completely truthful with her. She couldn't bring herself to admit what was really going on within her.
Regina tilted her head, and Emma wondered if she knew there was more she wasn't telling her. So she made a quick decision that she instantly regretted. She distracted her, kissing her hard and moving her onto her back. Regina hesitated for a moment but then eagerly started responding by deepening their kiss. She gently shifted them, moving on top of Regina and parting her legs with her knee. Desire continued to pool in her belly and soon her worries were once again pushed to the back of her mind, because all that mattered was showing this beautiful woman beneath her how much she loved her. Emma pulled away for a moment, looking at her girlfriend beneath her with messy dark hair and shining dark eyes.
"Is this ok?" she whispered, wanting to make sure she was comfortable. Consent was still always very clear between them. Regina nodded and Emma took that as her cue to lower her hand and cup her center. Regina bucked at the contact as Emma started stroking her, zeroing in on her clit and working Regina up until she was breathing heavily and thrusting against her hand. She kissed her as she started to get more and more erratic with her movements.
"Do you want me inside of you?" she whispered into her ear, never entering unless she consented. Sometimes Regina didn't want to be entered. There were even some nights where she just didn't want to be touched, and Emma always respected that. She always appreciated the honesty between them now.
"Yes my love," she nodded and then cried out in pleasure when Emma thrusted two fingers inside of her. She stimulated her clit with her thumb and soon Regina was falling over the edge. Her face was full of sated bliss that Emma never grew tired of watching.
Once Regina's body relaxed she coaxed Emma down so that she could snuggle into her side again. Emma held her close, kissing her and letting her fall asleep to the sound of her heart beating in her chest.
Now, as she lied in the darkness, hearing nothing but Regina's rhythmic breathing against her chest, her intrusive thoughts once again were at the forefront of her mind. The thoughts that had kept her up every single night as her birthday came closer and closer. Even with the beautiful surprise party Regina had thrown her, she still couldn't free her mind. She thought about the mother who left her on the side of the road and she wondered if she thought about her every year just as she did.