Despite the sun having not long started its descent in the sky, the day was already catching up on Zee. She had been warned Luca's BBQs slash garden parties were no joke, especially on a rare occasion like this one with 20-David having two full days off work. That, of course, lest a real emergency not arise.
Don't jinx it.
Yes, Zee was a bit tired, but Jamie was having a blast, and seeing Jim in his natural habitat was a blessing. She was not going to ruin the day for them. A few more minutes of sitting quietly among the others needing a reprieve from the exciting going-ons of the day would do the trick.
On that thought, a light breeze caught Zee by surprise. A shiver started to cross her body but was nipped in the bud by a plaid shirt—one that smelled of Jim—wrapping around her. Her lips automatically curved up as she felt her boyfriend's warm hands on her shoulders, massaging them.
Thoughtful as always. Jim knew her condition also impacted her blood circulation, so he sprang into action at the first signs of her discomfort. Or was it obvious to everyone something wasn't right with her?
Would the others ask? Should she prepare a noncommittal excuse?
Though Zee had become a pro at it, being subtly elusive to people trying to get close to her was starting to wear her down. That was why baring her soul to Chris earlier had lifted a weight off her chest.
Back to the present, silly. Feeling the smile slipping from her face, Zee twisted in her seat at the picnic table and tipped her head up to give a peck on Jim's cheek. "Thank you, my 'Shine."
His worried gaze bored into Zee from above as he stood behind her. "Just say the word, and we're out of here," he whispered so Bonnie, sitting beside her, couldn't hear.
Zee shook her head. Jamie was thriving, Jim was—more or less—relaxed, and for the first time since her husband and her parents died, Zee felt home. "I've not felt this good in months. Maybe years."
The notion that all this wouldn't last crashed into her, and she rested her ear on Jim's chest, partially to hide her face from him and partially to feel his reassuring heartbeat, strong and steady. As if reading her mind, Jim held her close, leaning down to press a soft kiss on her head.
"Sorry to interrupt you, lovebirds," Luca said as he and some others among the guys raided the picnic area to refill their paper cups and grab some snacks.
Jim didn't loosen his protective hug, despite everyone here had been so kind and welcoming. If only they knew. Hadn't it really been unfair to let them close? Guilt coiled in Zee's belly for deceiving them, betraying the trust they so freely gave her. Well, that most of them freely gave her. She met Chris's gaze across the table and couldn't hold it, feeling like a fraud. Called out on her lies. But no, it hadn't been completely selfish telling her the truth, forcing her to share this weight. Jim will benefit from this. It was the right call for him.
"I guess you can't say no to a play-date now," Annie Kay asked, nodding toward their children huddled together a bit farther from them.
Jamie Lee's new best friend, Lila, handed her a cookie, which she accepted and broke in two, giving one half to little Samuel, who gleamed with delight. Her daughter's tooth-gapped smile, going from ear to ear, was everything to Zee.
"Guess not." She smiled wistfully. Would she be able to take Jamie to the Kays in person or… She shook the thought. "But maybe we should cut the sugar levels on the next one." She cut a meaningful look at Luca.
The beaming man looked totally unapologetic, but after all, he was not the one needing to put the kids to bed later. But what the heck… They were creating memories her daughter would treasure forever. Too soon, Jamie would need to cling to how she'd felt today. But this was a place out of space and time for Zee. Seeing Jim interacting with his family was endearing. With her, he was thoughtful, loving, and everything she could dream of. But he was always too focused on her. With his friends, Jim was… free. Yes, he still was a tad overprotective and circling back to her, but he also joked and laughed. He was simply himself.
"I know I'm nosy," Bonnie plunged in, changing the subject. As that raised the interest of the small crowd now gathered around the picnic table, Zee feared her fan would dig too deep into something she wasn't keen on disclosing. "But I have to ask… Why Shine?"
Zee blinked once before catching up on the question. Of course, Jim's family wanted to know the origin of the nickname she'd given him before they even met him. When she spotted a faint blush creep up Jim's neck and settle on his ears, she had to chuckle.
"You don't have to answer if—"
"Oh, no, she totally does," Victor Tan interrupted his wife. "Come on, spit it up."
"Must be because he's her knight in shining armor." With this, Buck was good-naturedly teasing Jim, but the look he slanted Zee was a bit hard at the edges. She didn't blame him, though. The older man had been there to witness what Zee did to Jim years ago and had been the one helping him pick up the pieces. "Didn't I teach you right, Jimmy?"
With his words, Buck earned amusement from all his former teammates but Chris. Only she knew how really Jim had come to Zee's rescue.
"I say it can't be because he's your sunshine," Victor chimed in, addressing Zee but throwing a playful glance at Jim.
"Hey. I can light up a room if I put myself to it." Jim mocked to be offended, but humor sparkled in the corner of his eyes. Zee had been warned about the guy's camaraderie and sometimes high-school-level sense of humor, but seeing it with her eyes was different. Refreshing once it became clear that no trace of malice was in any word or intention.
"Yeah, that would be because everyone laughs at you, not with you."
"Victor!" Bonnie swatted her husband, then glanced from Jim to Zee. "Don't worry, you two. The nickname is cute."
"Cute is not exactly what I was trying to convey when I gave it to him." Zee locked eyes with Jim, and clearly enough, that conversation made him feel all self-conscious. But he would forgive her because she wanted everyone to know how madly in love she was with him.
"Oh, come on," Luca said, "Don't keep us on the fence."
"Yeah, what's the big secret here?" Victor pressed on. "I bet it's something embarrassing."
Jim squeezed Zee's hand as if to give her his reluctant permission to proceed with her tale. "Okay. Actually, it's a little bit of both of your guesses. Jim had his shining armor on when I first met him," she said, looking at Buck. "He was in his uniform, and his badge was all shiny and as bright as his smile."
"Shining badge, uh?" Luca exchanged a glance with Deacon. "What wouldn't a young cop do to impress girls?"
"Hey," Jim protested. "You know I take my job seriously." He darted a glance at his friends, then smiled sheepishly. "But I admit that my instructor was a bit of a control freak, or I wouldn't have polished it up every day."
"Well, that did make an impression on this girl here anyway." Zee squeezed Jim's hand back, then shifted her gaze to Victor. "But back at the origin of the nickname… Jim is my sunshine and my rock"—if they knew just how much, they would be all suppressing a cringe like Chris was not entirely succeeding in doing—"but 'Shine is actually short for Moonshine."
"Because he's moody and pale?" Victor guessed again, dabbing another jab at Jim's ego.
"Oh, come on! I'm not always on edge."
Zee interrupted Jim and pulled him in to rest her ear on his chest. "Moonshine, like the liquor. Ever heard of it? It's a huge thing in the South where I come from."
"Yeah," Luca said. "I've tried it once during a trip to New Orleans. Interesting experience. It melts all your insides at just one sip, but it sure warms you up from head to toe."
"That's it," Zee said brightly. "I've never been much of a drinker"—of course not, when I hit the right age, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening heart condition—"but that knee-weakening, gut-melting, intoxicating sensation you get tasting that peculiar liquor it's as close as I can describe how I felt when Jim kissed me for the first time." She looked up at her boyfriend dreamily, locking eyes with him. Their lips were inches apart, a self-conscious smile making his eyes twinkle. "That's how I still feel every single time he even looks at me."
Jim's grin spread, deepening his dimples, while his ears and neck pinked up again.
"Aw, that's so romantic," Bonnie said, lacing her fingers with her husband. "Wait, is Jim the man who inspired the writing of—"
"Daddy," Lila, bless her, tugged at Deacon's shirt and drew the attention away from whatever Bonnie was about to say. Bless her again. Zee had almost forgotten the woman was a fan of her music and could match her personal anecdotes to each and every song she'd ever released to the public.
"Interrupting is not polite, Lila," Deacon admonished his daughter without real bite in his tone.
"I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry, Aunt Bonnie and everyone, for interrupting your adult conversation." Lila's charming smile and puppy eyes immediately earned her forgiveness, so she went on. "But Daddy, can you please watch Samuel and Victoria so Mommy can be on my basketball team? They're too young to play with us. Pretty please?"
Deacon slanted a look at his wife, who seemed less than thrilled about getting up so soon after sitting down for the first time in hours. "Have you asked your mom if she's up to playing?"
Horrified by the thought her mother wouldn't want to play with her, Lila pouted. "Of course she is."
"Mommies always are," Jamie interjected. "Right Mommy? Would you be on my team?" She turned to Zee, expectant hazel eyes gleaming, and if it wasn't for Jim's hands tightening their reassuring grip on her shoulders, Zee's heart would have broken then and there.
"Oh, Sweetie Pie, I'm sorry, but I'm not dressed for playing ball today," Zee said as a lame excuse, looking up from her cowgirl boots and placing a tender smile on her face. Why couldn't she just step up and play with her daughter?
Those little, sparkly eyes severed Zee's heart further. "But, Mooomm—"
"I'd like to be on your team," Jim—protective to a fault—stepped in. "I know I'm not as good as your mom, but I do know a few tricks. What do you say?"
Jamie shrugged, downcast.
"You don't want to play either, Mommy?" Lila asked, as dejected as her new friend.
"Hey, girls—" Chris seemed to appear from thin air. "Why don't you join me in my girls-only team instead? Let your mommas rest their feet so they can play another game later." A much quieter one, she meant but didn't push. "I bet those lazy boys won't be able to keep up with us."
Tears of gratitude sprang to Zee's eyes, but she reined them in. Annie mouthed a lifesaver in Chris's direction, and she really was. Zee could understand Jim's feelings for this woman "It sounds really fun, Sweetie. Mommy will cheer for you three from here, okay?"
Jamie looked from her mom to this virtual stranger offering to play with her new friend.
"We're totally gonna win." Lila smiled from ear to ear, nodding at Jamie. "Aunt Chris is the best of the best. Not even my daddy can beat her. And he's a superhero."
"I guess I'll take that," Deacon shrugged lightly.
"Will you be okay playing against me, Uncle Jim?" Her daughter, Zee knew, was equal part concerned about hurting Jim's feelings by not playing with him and needing reassurance he would be at her side no matter what. And not just during play time.
"For one game, then we're switching." Jim winked. He tried not to show how Jamie calling him uncle—no more than Deacon and Annie's kids occasionally did—stung, but Zee knew better…
"Okay. I guess it will get boring if we're too strong for you," Jamie said, earning Lila's giggles. And just like that, she grabbed hold of Jim's free hand and tugged him toward the court.
Jim resisted her for a second, throwing Zee a 'Will you be good?' look.
Zee smiled and nodded, getting up to claim the seat that held the best view on the basketball field. The crowd dispersed as people shuffled away to the ball court and the corn-hole stations to play and cheer or gathered in smaller, more private clusters to quietly chat. Only Annie and her two youngest children stack around, claiming their spot beside Zee.
This was a really tight pack, and Zee felt blessed they were letting her be part of it, even if just for a short span of time. Even if it turned out to be just for this one day. They were open and welcoming to others but also protective and loyal to their own. The thought caused relief to wash over Zee. Before long, Jim would need this family more than ever.
A delighted squeal from the basketball court dragged Zee out of her head. A four versus four, males versus females game was on. Chris, Lila, Jamie, and Kelly—Luca's young mentee—against Deacon, Luca, Jim, and Timo—the kid living two houses down the road—with Buck as referee. They all seemed to have fun, though the only ones really letting their competitive side shine were the two teenagers, who cared decidedly less than the young girls if their moms were watching them or chatting between themselves.
Endearing, but...
Seeing Chris playing with her boyfriend and daughter had jealousy explode in Zee's chest. Irrational. Of course, it was irrational. Chris was being so thoughtful and kind, distracting her daughter and all… But she was doing what Zee wanted but couldn't do.
Chris had all the time in the world that Zee didn't have to love Jim. She could decide not to try to win him over for a long while after Zee passed and still have plenty of time to have her own children and raise them, possibly with him. That, assuming Chris wanted to be a mom. But if she didn't, maybe she wasn't the right one for Jim. Because if anyone deserved a happily ever after, that was Jim, and Zee knew how much he desired the family he had never had. And Chris was such a natural with kids… Zee couldn't fathom she didn't want all that, too. It just made her angrier. Zee would do anything to be at Chris's place, to have time. To have choices.
Jamie waved from the basketball field, and Zee managed a little wave back and a wet smile, hoping the little girl would only see the pride in her eyes, not the pain.
Fooling Jim was another story, though. He narrowed his gaze toward her, concern flashing on his features, but Zee shrugged it away, yelling some encouragement. The enthusiastic Jamie did the rest, dragging Jim back into play.
"Are you okay?" Annie settled beside Zee. Maybe she wasn't doing such a good job of hiding her turmoil.
"Yeah. Just a tad overwhelmed by all this… family," Zee admitted, hoping the other woman wouldn't want to dig too deep.
Annie offered her one of the two paper cups she'd brought with her. "Your Jamie is a fierce little thing. You raised her well, polite and kind, but I know they can still be a handful."
Thinking about the 'war stories' this mama of four could surely tell, Zee let out a soft laugh. "Thank you," she said, accepting the compliment and the lemonade and taking a polite sip. "I'm exhausted with one; I can't imagine how you do it." Of course, Annie didn't have a failing heart to deal with, too…
"Oh, juggling and prayers, mostly." Annie smiled. "And a supportive and participating partner." She turned her eyes from her husband to Jim. "But it seems you have at least that last part figured out."
Zee felt herself blush. Just for a second, she let herself dream about a future with Jim as her life partner, helping her raise Jamie like Dillon could never do. One short tick of the clock, then the bubble burst, and the smile on her lips weighed almost too much for her to keep it in place.
"Okay, it's official," Bonnie said, sitting with them and interrupting before Annie could read too much on Zee's face. "Corn-hole is not my thing. And if I want to keep my marriage intact, I need to let Victor play with another partner."
As on cue, a cheer from Matthew, the oldest of the Kay kids, signaled them that Victor and a bald older guy—who Zee knew was from another SWAT team but whose name was totally lost on her now—had just won a match against Hondo and his father.
"Told you." Bonnie shrugged. "What were we talking about here?"
"The different kinds of supportive partners," Annie supplied, earning a laugh from her companions.
Little Victoria chose that moment to start fussing, and of course, Samuel, in true toddler fashion, timed his request for attention perfectly to that of his sister. Before Zee could offer her new mom-friend her support, Bonnie stepped in and cuddled the baby so Annie could take care of her son before sending him back to play with Duke.
Not wanting to be rude or too nosy now, Zee made a mental note to ask Jim later if Deacon and Annie had named their last born after Victor Tan. One thing was sure in her eyes; Bonnie was a natural with that baby, and the look on her face spoke volumes about her desire for maternity, though Zee spotted a glimmer of sadness hidden there…
Other loud cheers came, interrupting Zee's serious train of thought and lighting the atmosphere again as the basketball players came running to the refreshment table.
"Mommy, did you watch me?" Jamie and Lila asked in a chorus to their respective moms, and after being reassured their exploits were being carefully watched, they both trotted off to keep playing, blissfully forgetting Zee and Annie were supposed to play the second round.
As Zee heaved a sigh of relief, Jim leaned down to her to press a lemonade-scented kiss on her cheek before rushing to the basketball field, urged on by Jamie.
The teams switched and reformed; new players joined, like Tomas, Chris's cousin, and Tuana, Kelly's mom, while others stepped back, like Deacon, getting to the sidelines to cheer on his daughter, and Chris, who, beaconed by Annie, sat across from them.
Zee smiled at her, grateful for the way Chris had cared for her daughter in the past long minutes. Chris nodded at her politely, but her gaze had a dark tinge to it. This time, Zee had trouble reading her. Probably because Chris herself was still processing all she'd dumped on her earlier.
The woman had every right to be mad, which, Zee thought, she was. But no matter how she tried to fight and hide it, Chris also showed a softer side. Empathy, not pity.
And there it was, that pang of guilt again deep in her chest. Zee tamped it down.
She didn't need to attract to herself her companions' concern any more than she needed Chris's thoughtfulness toward her to point the spotlight on her shortcomings and difficulties.
"Mommy, are you watching me?"
Bless Jamie for the much-needed diversion.
… … …