Bring Me To Life

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel Crossover Event

Part 70

Interlude - The Hero

It was one of those great stories

That you can't put down at night

The hero knew what he had to do

And he wasn't afraid to fight

The villain goes to jail

While the hero goes free

I wish it were that simple for me

And the reason that she loved him

Was the reason I loved him too

And he never wondered what was

Right or wrong

He just knew

He just knew

— "Hero", David Crosby

Hatfield, England - 10 Coleman Green Lane, A Safehouse

2:47 a.m.

Days Left before the End of Days: 9

"Look, you can't just give me this kind of timeframe!" Angel argued vehemently on the landline phone in the safehouse. He had been at this for the last 30 minutes. "I already told you when you blackmailed me on this case, I have other commitments."

"Then you'd best hurry up and deal with your present commitment, Mister Angel," Markus Fray replied from the other side of the phone.

"Look, the Slayer needs my help," Angel said, his hand struggling not to crush the phone in his grip he was holding it so tightly. Replaying Buffy's heartbreaking, desperate voicemail in his head over and over again was like an inescapable torture for him. She needed his help. Buffy needed his help. And instead of being there for her, protecting her, here he was, on the other side of the world chasing some sicko because some rich old man couldn't just let the cops handle it. It was more than he could stand. "And my son is missing. I just need a day to pop back over there and get things under control, and then I'll be right back—"

"One day is out of the question," Fray replied crisply. "By that time, Kindel could make his escape. Or the girl could be killed."

"Then give me a few hours. You can at least give me that!" The normally cool and collected Angel frantically tried to reason with him, angry that he was forced to bargain with Fray, but willing to do whatever he had to so he could get back home, even for just a little while. For Buffy. For Connor. For the people he loved.

"Not one day, not one hour, not one minute, that is non-negotiable, Mister Angel," Fray responded coolly. "I am sorry about your current problems, I am well aware of your relationship with Miss Summers and of your son. But justice and vengeance against Walter Kindel have only a small window of opportunity. If he disappears now, it could be years before he resurfaces again. And I will not have that."

"Fray, this is insane! This isn't what I do! You can't just keep me from the people I care about," Angel snapped, his patience disappearing fast. He gripped the phone so tightly it creaked, on the verge of getting crushed. "You have no idea what kinds of stakes we're facing! People are dying back home, you stupid old man! People I love!"

"Now, now, Mister Angel, mind your manners," Fray replied condescendingly. "I'm not trying to keep you from your business. I am simply asking you to handle mine within a limited amount of time. I realize that this is difficult, but a detective's life is the career you chose, and I would hold you to that oath. My tea grows hot, your case grows cold and your friends are in need of you. So my advice? Get to work. You have 24 hours to bring Kindel to me alive. And if not, your friends will die. That will be all. Goodbye."

CLICK!

The phone went dead.

"Fray! FRAY!" Angel angrily shouted into the phone. Realizing it was futile, the vampire detective growled in anger before he yanked the phone, cord and all, from the wall and hurled it against the wall, watching it explode into a broken mess of old machine parts.

"STUPID SON OF A BITCH!" he bellowed, angrily.

Kate watched as Angel paced impatiently. Even without changing into his vampire face, his eyes were still showing a golden amber glow, leering into shades of red. He was angry, desperate, anxious and very impatient, that much the former policewoman could see.

"Angel?" she said cautiously, approaching him slowly. "Angel, please, you have to calm down…"

"Calm?" Angel asked her, incredulous, waves of frustration coming off of him as he vented. "Buffy just called me, she's hurt, she's scared, she's panicking, there's some new jackass named Caleb hurting my people, the countdown to the Mother of All Apocalypses is getting shorter, my friends are in danger, and to top it all off, my son is missing, and I'm here too busy trying to stop some serial killing asswipe because some rich old fart wants his pound of flesh! How can I possibly stay calm?"

Despite the tense situation, Lindsey couldn't help himself. "Well, I'd say take a deep breath, but you know…vampire, and all."

"Shut up, Lindsey!" both Angel and Kate snapped at the same time. Lindsey sighed, but decided not to make any more quips for the moment.

Annoyed at how Lindsey was being a jackass, and concerned as to why that bothered her so much, Kate shook her head, walked closer to the agitated vampire.

"Maybe he has a point," Kate reasoned. "Angel…stop for a moment. Think. Focus on the good news. At least you know Buffy's alive, right?"

Angel slowly nodded, yet he didn't look at Kate. He looked only at the wall where the telephone lay destroyed.

"And from what you've told me, Connor is pretty good at taking care of himself. So is Buffy. I've seen it," Kate continued. "Look, I know it's not the best situation, Angel, but they'll be able to hold up until we take care of this and come back home to help them out. They can survive for a few hours without you."

"They shouldn't have to worry about surviving, Kate," Angel argued, shoulders slumped as he walked over to the boarded up window of the safehouse, from where they could see the abandoned home where Walter Kindel was supposedly going to be. "It's my job to protect them. And I keep failing at it. I keep letting them down. Every time."

Kate felt sympathy for the handsome vampire. He was clearly hurting. She knew what he was going through. She had to learn on the force that no matter how good she was at her job, or how many bad guys she helped put away or how many lives she saved, there would always be those that she couldn't save. Like Dad…

"Or here's a thought…" Lindsey mused, peaking through the boarded-up window near his spot in the living room of the safehouse to look over at Kindel's hideout. "You could always just…oh, I don't know…pick up the phone and call her?"

Angel shot him an irritated glare. But Lindsey merely looked at him and shrugged. "I mean, they did invent cell phones for a reason, buddy."

Kate's mouth twisted slightly as she looked at Angel. "I mean, he does have a point, Angel," Kate smiled faintly at him. "You should call Buffy. Girls do love it when a handsome guy they like calls. Speaking from experience."

Angel sighed, deflated. "I can't just…call her," he sulked. He shook his head. God, he hated why this was so hard.

Putting her hands on her rather nicely sculpted hips, the attractive ex-policewoman gave Angel an annoyed look. "Is this a valid reason, or is this one of those weird Angel-ish 'I'm torturing myself for blah-blah-blah' reasons?"

Angel turned a mildly annoyed glare at her, but that did nothing to dissuade Kate, who folded her arms across her shapely chest and cocked one perfect golden eyebrow at the brooding immortal.

Lindsey caught that look that Kate was giving Angel, and he had to do a double-take on just how hot Kate looked right now. Good God, that is a fine-looking woman…

Angel sighed. How to make her understand… "A phone call isn't enough, Kate," he replied, frowning. "You didn't hear Buffy. How she sounded." He looked depressed as he thought about how scared, how alone she must be feeling right now. "She sounded…scared…confused…hurting."

Pursing her lips, Kate looked awkwardly to Lindsey, who caught her look and nodded.

"Uh…actually? We did," Kate admitted, sheepishly.

Off Angel's confused look, Kate elaborated. "You, uh, hit the speaker button when you played your voicemail."

If Angel had circulation, he would have blanched. "What?" he uttered, embarrassed.

"You hit the speaker button," Lindsey elaborated from across the room. "You really need to learn how to use your cell phone, Count von Count."

Angel's jaw dropped, dismayed. "You mean you heard that? What she was saying?"

Off Kate's nod, Angel's jaw flexed angrily. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Kate shrugged. "Honestly, I thought it was something important, that maybe Buffy discovered something back home and you were filling us all in. Then we kept listening, and it was getting really personal…and then the crying happened, and by that point it was just embarrassing to bring it up, and honestly, that was all on you, pal."

Groaning, Angel rubbed his hand across his face, and would have killed for a massive ray of sunlight to burst through their leaky roof right now and turn him to ashes, he was that mortified.

Taking pity on the souled vampire, Kate walked over and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Angel," she tried, giving him a smile. "You're making this harder than it has to be. Look, I've seen how much Buffy cares about you. I mean, that one time when I was arresting you years ago, she looked like she was willing to fight the entire precinct to keep me from putting you in that jail cell that was facing the sun side."

Angel's lip quirked wryly at that memory, when Buffy had come to town years ago hunting Faith for the whole body-switch fiasco. How even then, when he and Buffy were at odds with each other, angry, bitter, she was still willing to protect his life with her own if she had to. Just as he was, still is, would always be, willing to protect her life with his own.

"The point is, she loves you," Kate said assuringly. "And unless I'm mistaken, you love her back. Sometimes a call is all a girl needs to know that someone is looking out for her."

"It's not that simple, Kate," Angel shook his head, sadly.

"Why?" Kate asked, genuinely confused.

"Because Buffy and I broke up before I came here looking for the Dagger," Angel confessed, looking away, shutting his eyes.

Kate pulled back, stunned. She hadn't been expecting that. "Uh, um…okay…is…is there a reason why?" She hadn't fully been aware of all of the complexities of the saga of Buffy and Angel's star-crossed romance. She just had a feeling that it was probably complicated.

Lindsey was more than happy to fill in the blanks. "Probably because he's way too busy self-flagellating for all the evil crap he used to do back in the day, and can't actually really be with her because of that 'one moment of perfect happiness' thing that'll cause him to lose his soul and turn back into an evil douche that would kill everything in sight." He looked over at Angel, drawling almost glibly. "Am I in the right ballpark, buddy?"

Silently, Angel glowered at the former lawyer, debating whether or not it would be evil if he just quickly snapped his neck right here and now…

Kate threw Lindsey an annoyed glance. He was hot, yeah, she admitted it, but not hot enough for her to keep putting up with his crap. "Can you at least try not to be such an unbelievable asshole for, like, five seconds, Lindsey? I'm trying to have an adult conversation here!"

"Not one word that I've said hasn't been true, beautiful," Lindsey smirked at her. "Ask Angel, he'll tell you himself."

Snorting in annoyance, Angel turned back to Kate. "Yeah, the tiny Texan over there's right," Angel sighed. "Buffy and I are…complicated."

"So make it simple," Kate replied, encouragingly. "Un-complicate it, Angel. The more you make this harder than it has to be, the harder you'll make it, and not just for you…for her, too."

Angel glared at her, dark brown eyes swirling with long-brewing emotion. "You think I don't know that? How much I'm hurting her like this? You think I want that for her? For either of us? I hate that. Every day. But I don't have a choice."

"Because of your…curse?" Kate asked, genuinely curious. "Or is it because you're a vampire and she's not?"

"No. And…yes…and…" He broke off, staring down at the floor in silent misery. "And it's more than that."

He paced around the floor, a feeling of absolute gloom following him around.

"Look at what happened to Connor. He's my son, and…he's had to live a terrible life because of me," Angel sighed breathlessly. "That's the price he paid because he was in my life."

Kate began to protest. "But that wasn't your fault—"

"It was, Kate," Angel countered, not letting her finish. He wasn't about to let Kate get him off the hook for one of his most painful regrets. Or any of them. In Angel's eyes, the people he loved had suffered and it was all his fault. "Look at my track record. Buffy, Cordelia, Connor, Doyle…The people I love always end up suffering or worse because of me somehow. And Buffy…"

Angel closed his eyes, regret washing over him for all the things in the past between himself and Buffy that went wrong. All the things he wished he could take back, both with his soul and without. "She's suffered more than most because of me. When I'm with her, she gets hurt. When I try to protect her, she gets hurt. I think I finally got the message the universe is sending me—guys with my body count don't get to have happy endings."

He turned away towards the sliver of darkened sky which one of the boarded up windows barely let in, sighing in misery, brooding eyes heavy with his burden. "But that's my cross to bear. Not hers. I won't let her pay for my mistakes, maybe even die for them. It's...it's better this way, Kate. It hurts, every day…but if it keeps her safe…"

He lowered his head, resigned to his eternal suffering. "Then I can deal. For her…I can deal."

Kate shook her head, a part of her sympathetic to his plight. Hell, she remembered how attracted to Angel she was in the beginning before she discovered what he was. Quickly weighing the pros and cons of dating a vampire, Kate ultimately decided to keep their relationship platonic. But the ex–cop could tell that whatever she thought she felt once for Angel paled in comparison to what he had with Buffy, and she hadn't even been around them that long. And she could tell that Buffy was an amazing young woman just as Angel was a good man.

But as long as Angel was this bull-headed and self-torturing, she realized, then both heroes would be doomed to suffer silently, and to Kate, that just didn't seem fair at all.

"Well, if you ask me…I think you're being a right bellend idiot, is what you're being."

Surprised, Angel whirled around to the source of that judging comment—Cassandra.

Hope's Dagger glowed with each word the spirit of the legendary warrior within it spoke. "The woman you love…this…Buffy… clearly loves you back. Yet you insist on these idiotic masochistic excuses to keep you both apart. There's a fine line between nobility and stupidity, Angel. And it appears that you've confused the former with the latter."

Listening to the words that came from the spirit of the ancient Champion, Lindsey nodded his head. "The giant letter opener has a point. It is pretty stupid."

"I can't believe I'm about to say this, but Lindsey and Excalibur over there have a point. You're being really stupid, Angel," Kate agreed, crossing her arms.

Now Angel became defensive. Angry, even. To have everyone here second-guessing his decisions about his personal life was way beyond the pale. "Look, I appreciate the feedback, but…Actually, you know what? I don't. Wanna know why? Because it's none of your damn business, that's why," Angel tersely replied, abruptly turning away to face the boarded-up window. He folded up his coat over him in a huff. How dare they!, he thought to himself. How dare they make light of his greatest sorrow, his pain, the reasons for why he couldn't be with the other half of his heart and soul? How could they possibly understand?

"You don't understand," Angel muttered aloud, old misery and current anger enveloping his large frame. "None of you could."

"Couldn't I?" Cassandra replied, a knowing tone in her bodiless voice. "I know all too well what it's like to have duty separate you from the one you truly love. In my other life, my Whistler and I shared a passion and love for each other not unlike you and this Slayer, this…Buffy, strange name…do. Yet we let our lives and responsibilities get in the way, and it forced us apart, even though it tore me asunder inside. Even though it was the greatest pain I've ever known." Her tone grew wistful, mourning what she had lost long ago. "Of all the regrets I have from the last thousand years, if there was one thing I could have taken back, I would have given everything up when I had the chance to be with him. Everything. My duty, my vows, my responsibility, my own damn name…none of it mattered to me as much as waking up in his arms. Even now, I would give up every one of my last thousand years if I could spend just one more day with him. That ache has never left my soul, Angel. I will carry it with me for all of of my days."

Her tone grew wistful, sad. "Angel, trust me when I say this…you don't want your eternity to be any more of an eternity of regret than it already is. Don't let yours and Buffy's fates be what Whistler's and mine were. If you let her go now…you will regret it forever. And that is suffering that you don't want to bear. Eternity is much too long to suffer that kind of pain alone."

Angel's frown softened as he heard those words. He had resigned himself years ago to the idea that he would likely spend centuries, lifetimes in regret over Buffy. Over having to give her up, no matter how much he loved her. No matter how much agony it caused him, and her, because of who and what he was, and who she was. He had long cursed fate, how unfair it was, how cruel, but he had eventually accepted it. It was for the best, he had told himself. The people he had hurt and killed through the years didn't get a fair shake either, he reasoned. And Buffy…Buffy deserved better than what he could offer her, he relented even as his heart broke in half at the admission. She deserved children, sunlight, picket fences, a normal, beautiful life…not a monster in man's flesh that could kill her if he dared to bask in her light for even one moment. That's what he told himself. And as much as it felt like he had cut off his own arm, he could accept that, if it meant that Buffy could have the shot at happiness that he was not meant to have.

Yet here was Cassandra, several lifetimes older than him. She had actually suffered the same loss as Angel had. Understood his pain, perhaps better than even he understood it. Worse…he had a feeling he could be looking at his future. Not as a magical sword, of course…but as a warrior doomed to be forever alone, forever mourning the loss of his greatest love. His soulmate.

Buffy…

"Angel, I've seen you do the damn near impossible," Kate said, her voice softer than Angel had ever remembered her speaking to him with, even when they were clumsily flirting with each other years ago. Her eyes shone with an admiration for him that he had remembered seeing long ago. "Whenever things seemed bleakest, you always found a way. You didn't give up. Even when you probably should have. Even when you had no right to. Even when nobody else could see hope. But you did. If you could find a way to overcome those kinds of odds…then the man I know wouldn't let some stupid Gypsy curse and his own hangups keep him away from the woman he loves. He's way too tough and too stubborn to give up that easily. That's why I believed in you."

The beautiful ex-cop gave him a faint, yet still encouraging smile. "Hell…that's why I still believe in you."

Angel's eyes widened at her words.

He was touched, he silently admitted. Kate had never told him that before. Here she was, a cynic, one of the hardest people he had ever met. Someone who guarded herself and her heart tightly because how much hurt she had suffered in her life. And yet…here she was, opening herself up to him. Telling him that she still believed, even after all these years. That she still believed that he could do the impossible…even if she might as well be asking him to move heaven and earth. Here she was…telling him that not only could he do it, but wondering what was taking him so long. And for a moment, despite all his old fears and doubts, Angel felt the embers of hope beginning to fan inside of his unbeating heart.

Lindsey frowned a little, part of him feeling more than a little green-eyed at the bonding he saw going on between his current crush and his old rival.

Angel cautiously basked in the warmth of the hope Kate's words had created in his heart for a moment…

…then he turned away, shaking his head. "No. Kate, you don't understand. The curse is still a part of me. Angelus is still there. All it takes is just one moment where I'm at peace for once instead of suffering like I should be, and he's out of the cage. And once that happens—"

"It won't," Cassandra softly assured him.

"You can't say that, Cassandra. You don't know him like I do," Angel sighed in frustration. "He's patient, cunning. He'll break free at the first chance he gets—"

"No, he can't. You don't understand, Angel," Cassandra explained patiently. "He can never emerge from his imprisonment again from inside you. Your soul was bound to you permanently the moment you won the Trials."

At that, all three turned wide eyes to the talking sword, stunned and jaws dropped at this bombshell the immortal warrior had dropped on them.

Angel picked up the sword and stared at it eye-level. "Wait…I'm gonna need you to run that one by me one more time. My soul is what?"

"Come now, Angel," the mystical sword containing the legendary warrior's spirit replied, the blade glowing with every word. "Hope's Dagger is one of the most powerful weapons the Powers have to give to their Champions. Did you really think that they would simply give it to you at the risk that the monster inside of you would one day turn it against us, wield it against an innocent or another warrior of light? That there wouldn't be some kind of safeguard? None but those who are worthy may wield Hope's Dagger. Which is why the moment you emerged from the Trials victorious, the magic of The Deeper Well had sealed off the paths for escape within your soul for Angelus that the Gypsy curse had created. Strong as Gypsy magick is, even their magick is no match for the divine power of The Powers themselves. Only the provision that binds your soul stands, but the addition of the perfect happiness clause has been nullified, overruled by the magic of the Trials. Which means the demon that played you has now been sealed up forever. Angelus will never be able to hurt you, Buffy or anyone else ever again."

He stared at the sword in confusion…and then anger. "And you waited until now to tell me this because…why?" he demanded, irritated that such a development was kept secret from him until now.

"Simple. You didn't ask," Cassandra replied patiently.

Angel frowned, even more angry at her seemingly flippant remark. "Okay, you know what? We're going to have a long talk about your communication skills when this is over."

"Look who's talking," Lindsey drawled quietly, smirking at Kate, who found herself covering her mouth to keep from snickering at the irony that the former lawyer pointed out about the not-so-talkative vampire.

"Lindsey? Shut up," Angel tersely replied, not at all in the mood to deal with Lindsey's quips that his preternatural hearing picked up.

Feeling numb with shock for what seemed like an eternity as he held the sword that broke the news to him, Angel could barely believe it.

How could this be true? He thought his curse would be his eternal burden. That he would never know true contentment, true happiness, true peace so long as Angelus was caged inside of him, for it was only the power of the murderous demon, the vampire, that allowed him to walk the earth instead of being buried beneath it like he should have been lifetimes ago.

And yet…as he averted his eyes briefly while he took in her words, processed them, Angel began to sense that Cassandra was right.

Since the night his soul was first returned to him over a century ago, Angel had grown accustomed to hearing Angelus's voice in his head. He could never shut up, either, Angel remembered with annoyed consternation. The cruel, soulless demon took endless pleasure in taunting him, tormenting him, reminding him of his victims through endless nightmares, mocking Angel's need for atonement and forgiveness, threatening to hurt anyone Angel dared let close to him, from strangers passing on the street to friends to his closest friends, his family and even his beloved Buffy and his son Connor. Angel could only endure it and try to block him out, and while he had gotten pretty good at ignoring Angelus's voice over time, every now and then, his demon had also gotten quite skilled at finding ways to make the souled vampire's life miserable, a constant reminder of what Angel was and what he had done.

Yet for some reason, ever since the Trials, particularly the Trial of the Spirit when he bested his own alter ego, Angel found that he couldn't hear Angelus's voice in his head anymore. Angel could still feel that bastard's dark specter within his heart as it was the demon's essence that allowed him to live, but where the sadistic, egotistical, cruel taunting, the very presence, of the arrogant and savage Angelus was once a loud megaphone, a church bell that gonged and echoed endlessly inside Angel's mind, that voice was now suddenly silenced. Like a voiceless shadow hidden away in the dark corners of Angel's mind, but locked and sealed now in a place from which there was no escape, trapped in a room with no windows and no doors.

If Angel closed his eyes for just a brief moment, focused all of his attention inward, he could feel the panic, the desperation of Angelus, the fear as the demon kept frantically scratching, clawing, pounding away at his new prison, only this time with no hopes of ever escaping, no chance of parole, no loophole that could ever allow him to walk free and hurt people again, hurt the ones Angel loved ever again. Doomed forever to spend his existence locked away in a place where no one could hear or see him. Alone.

It was a fitting punishment, Angel silently mused, biting his tongue to keep from smiling as he felt the demon rage at him, Angelus no doubt promising revenge and suffering against Angel and his loved ones yet impotently helpless to act out on any of his empty threats. With a sense of satisfaction, Angel silently pushed the exit-less prison of his foul demon away into the dark corners of his soul, bidding a final farewell to the raging and screaming monster that burdened his existence for good.

As if she could sense his thoughts, Cassandra chimed in. "You're free, Angel. You need not sacrifice your happiness to be that monster's keeper anymore. You needn't fear falling in love because of him ever again."

Angel thought about it for a moment.

A good, long moment.

Yet once more, he shook his head. "No. No, I…you don't understand," Angel sighed miserably, abruptly turning and pacing the room. "This still doesn't change anything. I can't…I can't be with Buffy. I want to, God, I want to, but I can't, okay? I just…can't."

"Why not?" Kate asked, growing exasperated. She couldn't for the life of her understand why Angel was seemingly hellbent on finding any pretext, any reason he could for why he should stay away from the woman he loved. It was starting to get on her nerves. I swear, he's lucky he fell for Buffy and not me, because if he had made up all these stupid excuses not to give me my happy ending, I would've just shoved a stake in his chest and been done with it.

"You don't understand," Angel murmured, frustrated at how the words were failing him, why he couldn't give voice to the reason at the core of his struggle to stay away from the woman who first showed him how to love, how to hope for a real future.

"You're right, I don't," Kate agreed, throwing up her hands in frustration. "This is what you've been waiting for, Angel. You can finally be with the woman you love, like any other normal person, and yet you're throwing it all away? For what? And why? Why would you keep hurting Buffy like this? Why hurt yourself like this? Why can't you let yourself finally be happy? Why are you punishing yourself like this, Angel?"

"Because I deserve it!" Angel finally snapped, kicking over a lamp in anger as the truth finally came out of him. "Is that what you want to hear, Kate? Is that what you want to drag out of me? Okay, fine. I deserve to suffer. I deserve all of it! I never talked to Buffy about my past because I was afraid to. I thought that once she understood what I am, what I've done, she'd never look at me the same way again. But you know, don't you, Kate?"

His dark brown eyes bored into Kate in a way that made the hardened ex-cop repress a shiver down her spine. "You read the files on me, remember, the stories? You know. And that was only a taste of all the awful crap I've done in my life."

Kate again found herself repressing a shudder. She remembered, alright. During a case years ago that Angel and her worked on involving the serial killer vampire Penn, Kate had discovered what Angel really was. But it was only by researching whatever lore she found on vampires that Kate had found out about Angel's dark other half, Angelus. And from what little she had found, even that was enough to horrify and disgust her. Angelus had a terrifying body count, but he didn't just like killing; he actually enjoyed torturing others, physically, mentally, emotionally, taking pride in making his victims suffer. Taking pleasure in systematically, efficiently, spectacularly and mercilessly destroying their lives in the most unimaginable and sadistic ways, even leaving some in such shambles that death would have been a mercy to them which the remorseless vampire cruelly denied them. 'A particularly brutal bastard, by all accounts' is how she described him to Angel himself. And she had to admit, it had changed how she saw Angel for a long time afterwards. Where she had once been intrigued by and even attracted to the handsome Angel, Kate had found herself distrusting him upon finding out the truth. She simply couldn't understand the difference between the good man who saved her life and the murderous monster that killed hundreds, thousands of people as told by those musty books she read.

There was even a time when Kate thought that she hated Angel, she mused in regret. But as she saw the sadness, the shame in his eyes, Kate now realized that whatever hate she thought she once felt for Angel paled in comparison to how much he hated himself for what he had done, the lives he had taken, the suffering he had caused.

"How could I be with Buffy after all I've done?" Angel asked Kate, sadly. "What right do I have, Kate? I hurt so many people. Killed so many. There's so much blood on my hands. So much blood. And because of it, I've hurt the people I care about. Buffy, Connor, Cordelia, the Scoobies, my friends…in some way, shape or form, they've suffered because of me. Because of what I am. What I've done. Buffy deserves better than that. She deserves so much more than just a…monster."

He lowered his eyes to the ground in self-loathing at the last word. He admitted it. Hell, he admitted it long ago. For all the good he had done, all the ways he had tried to make up for his awful past, Angel knew he was never going to be anything more than a worthless man who had done unspeakable things. He was a monster. Not just because of what he was, but because of what he'd done.

If Angel closed his eyes, he could remember them all. All of their faces. Every victim. Every scream. Every teary-eyed plea for mercy. Every life he destroyed. Jenny. Giles. Holtz. Drusilla. The Remingtons. His own family. Kathy, his beloved little sister. Even Buffy, how he had stalked her for months after he lost his soul, terrorized her and her friends and her town before he nearly destroyed the world. Every drop of blood spilt, every tear shed, every ounce of suffering created because of him. While Angelus had reveled and delighted in his atrocities, Angel was horrified, ashamed and disgusted by it. How could he deserve Buffy, how could he deserve any kind of happiness after he had caused such suffering, after the people here hurt, that he killed, would never again know happiness?

What gives me the right? he thought, miserably.

"Oh, grow up!" Lindsay tiredly snapped. " Do you have any idea of how sick and tired I am of hearing the pity party bullshit that you've been throwing yourself?"

Kate, horrified and angry, whipped around towards the former lawyer. " Lindsey, I'm not kidding, shut up," she snapped at him, growing weary of his cavalier attitude.

Angel's eyes narrowed as he stared at his old adversary. "What did you say to me?" the souled vampire demanded angrily, his vamp face dangerously close to emerging.

"You heard me, Captain Guilt Trip," Lindsey replied, unfazed, letting out a derisive chuckle. "You know what? You should've heard the guys down at Wolfram and Hart talking about you when I was there. They used to talk about you like you were the Boogeyman or Michael Myers or something. How you didn't let anything stop you. How you kept coming no matter what until you finished the job. How once you made up your mind, there was no reasoning with you. 'Angel can't be bought!', 'Angel can't be killed!', 'That Angel guy, he's like the Terminator, there's no stopping him!', 'Run away from the scary vampire with a soul!', they shouted. Hell, half the time, I almost believed it myself. You were like this...force of nature." He shook his head in disgust, sneering at Angel. "But from what I'm seeing from you now? The big, scary vampire-with-a-soul being too damn scared to fight for the woman he says he loves? I'm guessing that soul didn't come with a set of balls, did it?"

Growing livid, Angel felt a growl bubbling in the back of his throat, trying to come up with reasons why he shouldn't pull out Lindsey's vocal cords and strangle him with them. Something that Angel knew from experience that he could actually do.

"You think you're the only one who's got skeletons in his closet?" Lindsey continued, undeterred. "Everyone's got things that they're ashamed of. Hell, look at me! You know who I am and the people I used to work for. I've got a body count, too. The only difference between us is that you used your fangs and I used a pen. Hell, I've got a crazy-ass half-brother out there running around killing people because I let him go when I should have put him down like the sick dog he was years ago. The blood of all the people he hurt and killed isn't just on his hands…it's on my hands, too. And I have to live with that. For the rest of my life."

A flicker of regret flashed in Lindsey's eyes before he pressed on. "But you don't see me standing around and whining about it. Forget the damn past, Angel. Because guess what? It's the past! You can't keep crying about spilled milk, that milk ain't going back in the bottle no matter how many tears you shed. So you can either keep punishing yourself for the crap you did yesterday that you can't fix and stay stuck there forever… or you can do something about the life you live now. Live in the now, live for the moment. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, not whatever comes next. Focus on where you are right now and try to make those moments count. Because from here on out, those are the only moments that do. I might not be some immortal creature of the night, but if I knew that I was going to be around long after a girl as gorgeous as Buffy was gone, I'd spend every second I could enjoying being with her while it lasts, not spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been."

An earnest, honest look crossed Lindsey's eyes as he stared at Angel. "Whistler's right, Angel. It's not about what came before. Or what comes after. It's the moments you make now that count. Took me a while for me to understand that, but I get it now. Hell, even that Spike guy seems to get that, and he's a freaking idiot."

The room was silent as all eyes were on the talkative ex-lawyer's impassioned speech.

For a moment, Kate had forgotten her previous annoyance with Lindsey. Things like this? Moments like this…that is why this attraction she'd been having for him lately had been growing, she realized. She finally could see the real man underneath the swagger and the unapologetic irreverence and finally see the real Lindsey McDonald.

And she liked him. A lot, she realized.

For a moment, Angel wondered if maybe he was still concussed from his battles in The Trials, because Lindsey was actually starting to make sense.

He was immortal. Buffy was not. For all Angel knew, the Shanshu Prophecy, if it were still to be believed, might not take place until years after Buffy was gone. Either that, or he would keep on going forever, frozen in time while the woman he loved faded away, claimed by time or age or a fateful battle, like the one she had with Glory that didn't stick long. What then, he realized? Did he really want to spend the rest of eternity with only a few memories of Buffy, and all that regret of watching her leave this world without ever truly giving her and himself a chance to see if they could really be happy together? Didn't she deserve that? Didn't…he?

"Angel…don't think for one second that you aren't worthy of love. You are," Cassandra assured him softly. "I know because if you really were the monster that you claim you are, you wouldn't even be able to stand in my presence, let alone wield me. Yet you can. I've waited over a thousand years for the one who would set me free. For a worthy heart and a noble soul who could finally wield the Dagger as his own. I've seen his face thousands of times in scores of lifetimes. I've seen his story. I know his heart. I've seen what is in his soul, and I can say with every confidence, with every fiber of my being, that this man is indeed a good man, a man who wants nothing more than to help those who cannot help themselves. A man worth loving."

"That man…is you."

Angel stared at the holy sword in awe and surprise.

The sword's pure light reflected off his skin as it spoke softly, assuringly. "Angel…I've waited for you."

It was then that Cassandra's words began to sink into Angel, penetrate the thick armor of his doubt and self-loathing.

Yes, he knew that he had done a lot of bad things, terrible things…but he had also done a lot of good.

He'd been doing that good since he came to Los Angeles. He'd saved people. Saved lives. Saved souls. Changed their lives for the better. Saved them from going down dark roads and terrible paths, like the one he took when he drunkenly stumbled into that dark alley lifetimes ago and met Darla. One thing he had gotten good at over the years was protecting others. With all the creatures and monsters constantly hunting Buffy on a nightly basis, Angel had to admit, it would be nice to know that he could be closer to her, watch her back, protect her. He knew that she could take care of herself, he knew that better than most. But he also knew that when they were together, something felt different. It felt like they were almost unbeatable together. That Mohra demon he killed long ago told him as much. Together, you were powerful.

Together, there wasn't a damn thing that he and Buffy couldn't do. And deep down, Angel realized…he knew it.

He'd always known it.

He just had to be willing to fight for it.

It wasn't going to be easy. It never is, he knew that.

But if there was one thing that Angel had learned from Buffy, it was that when there was something worth fighting for, it was worth that fight.

And Buffy was most definitely worth fighting for.

He shook his head, cursing himself for taking this long to realize it.

"I've been an idiot," he lamented, slapping his forehead in dismay.

"Big idiot," Kate agreed, though she said it with a smile, relieved that the big lug was finally getting it.

"Massive idiot," Lindsey agreed all too glibly.

"Handsome, but slow," Cassandra teased him, though the mirth in her tone was evident.

He gave his allies an annoyed, yet thankful glance, laughing softly through his famous half-smile. He was glad that he could see the light now. He only hoped it wasn't too late, for Buffy or himself. "Thank you," he told the ex-cop, the lawyer and the sword that hosted the spirit of an ancient hero.

"If you want to thank us, just figure out how you're gonna keep us alive when we take down that psycho Kindel," Kate replied, smiling faintly. "And for the record? You can't go wrong with flowers when you're apologizing to a girl for being an ass and breaking her heart. So I'd pick out one hell of an arrangement for Buffy when you get back stateside."

Angel ruefully smiled at her, but he winced, as well. After everything that had happened with Buffy, he knew it was going to take a lot more than just flowers for him to make things right with her. But that's okay. I'll pay that price. Whatever it takes. She's worth it…

"Uh, Angel?" Lindsey said warningly as he peeked through the window boards. "You might want to hold off on making any date plans with Buffy."

Off Lindsey's grim tone, Angel and Kate quickly made their way over to the window to look across the street at Kindel's supposed hideout.

What Kate saw next sent a chill up her spine.

Several pale white, octopus-like, tentacled demons walked upright around the house grounds. Patrolling, it seemed. They moved slowly, their thick tentacles that covered their heads wriggling just as slowly yet somehow menacingly.

"Gross," Kate muttered, looking to Angel. "What's with the Calamari Crew over there?"

She saw the troubled look on Angel's handsome face, and that unsettling feeling began to gnaw even more in Kate's gut.

"This is bad," Angel said quietly at the sight of the octopus-like demons. "Real bad. Those aren't just any demons. They're Enders."

Kate frowned in confusion, not quite up to speed on all her demonology. "Enders?"

"Oh, dear," Cassandra's voice echoed in concern from inside the magical sword. "That is bad. I've fought Enders before. They're horrid creatures. Powerful. Fast. Ruthless. And they're very difficult to defeat."

"This is crazy," Lindsey muttered in consternation. "How the hell did Kindel get Enders on his side?"

Kate's face began to scrunch in worry. "Okay, that's the third person here to make a big deal out of these Squiddy guys. They're really that bad?"

"Worse," Angel muttered darkly. "They prey on the suffering of others, especially humans. I've seen Enders at work before. A long time ago, after I got my soul the first time. 1929, Chicago. An Ender coven raided a homeless shelter that was getting filled up during the onset of the Depression. I've seen some scary things in my time, but what they did to those people was…" Angel looked away, barely repressing a shudder at the dark memory.

"Enders aren't just incredibly fast and strong, Kate," Lindsey explained as he looked at the pretty former detective. "They literally prey on souls. Soul energy is what feeds them. They don't just kill you. They remove your soul and consume it entirely. All that you are, all that makes you you, is gone forever. They end you."

Now it was Kate's turn to shudder. "Hence the name. Okay, getting it now," she uttered, troubled, before turning to Angel. "What's the plan?"

"The plan is you and Lindsey stay behind me," Angel replied, his brow furrowed, his gaze hardened as his hand tightened around Hope's Dagger. "Cassandra and I'll handle the rest."

"Woah, woah, woah, hold on," Kate cut him off, narrowing her eyes at him. "You are not seriously going to put us on the shelf after we traveled halfway across the world to save your undead ass, are you?"

"This isn't a game, Kate," Angel replied tersely. "If Kindel really has those things on his payroll somehow, then this just got even more dangerous. These aren't just run-of-the-mill vampires we can face. Those are Enders. They're way deadlier than most demons that you've encountered. The second they see you and Lindsey, you're nothing but food to them."

"And what, you think you're not going to be tasty to them, Mister Vampire-with-a-Soul?" Kate pointedly reminded him. "Like it or not, Angel, you need us."

"Kate's right," Lindsey replied, looking at Angel. "Look, I may not like you much, and I'm certainly not in a rush to tangle with an Ender, but if you fight them alone, Angel, we've got a bigger problem. What if they get the upper hand and decide to chow down on your soul? You might not be killed instantly like me and Kate would, but without your soul…"

"That would leave only the demon behind," Cassandra added, her voice also concerned. "The Trials removed the Gypsy happiness clause from your soul and bound it to you, Angel, but it does nothing to protect it from being destroyed or consumed. If those Enders take you, your soul can be eaten like anyone else's."

"Then that means…that means Angelus returns," Kate finished that thought, eying Angel with worry.

Angel's lips pursed together tightly, his eyes looking away in deep thought as he pondered those dark implications.

Kate wouldn't let him think any further. "No. Screw that. Angel, we're going out there with you."

Angel tried to protest. "Kate, you don't understand how…"

"Yes. I do. And I don't care," she insisted, folding her arms across her chest. "Have you seriously learned nothing from the last few minutes of speeches? You can't go at this alone. Like it or not, you need us, Angel. Even you need help sometimes. So drop the macho vampire hero crap, and deal. We came together, we finish this together. Got it?"

Angel knew he should be protesting this, not wanting to put any lives at risk. But honestly, he realized that Kate was right. This was one battle where having backup might not be such a bad idea. It was ironic, he mused. He spent the last century wanting nothing more than to stay away from others, to go it alone. And now he seemed to find himself with allies and friends in the strangest of places. Part of him wondered what he had ever done to deserve such luck, such kindness…

But then again, what was it that Lindsey and Whistler said? Right…it's not about the past, not about tomorrow. It's about the moment, Angel silently mused. So I guess I'll live for the moment.

Giving Kate a grateful nod, Angel steeled himself. "Okay, then," he uttered quietly, his eyes focused and determined, unsheathing Hope's Dagger and holding the mystical weapon in his hand. "Let's hunt some squid."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Next: "Empty Places" reaches its conclusion. Tempers flare as Buffy's decisions are called into question. And Angel gets ready to face a deadly serial killer with more power than he can imagine. What consequences will these actions bring for our heroes with the End of Days looming?

So, our hero finally came around. Took him long enough, didn't it? :) lol But the road of love is never easy...

The next chapter should be up in a few weeks. I'm shooting for Halloween, but I've said that before with not much luck. lol Thankfully, the next real chapter is far along, and coming soon. (And it's one you won't want to miss.)

Please read, comment and follow! See you soon!

Best,

Jean-theGuardian