This is the last chapter with angst I believe - sadly by leaving some characters just as they are in canon, it was unavoidable. It will get better from the next chapter onward.

Chapter Twelve

As the guest proceeded to depart Netherfield, Elizabeth stepped out for a brief walk in Netherfield's rose garden. The weather was cold as expected so close to the winter solstice but dry and bright and she was glad to know her dearest sister's wedding had not been disturbed by their father. Jane was safe and on her way to the seaside, although Elizabeth was sad to reflect on the loss of her closest confidante; from now on Charles would be Jane's first and favourite companion and adviser, and Elizabeth wished she could one day be as happy as her sister.

As if summoned by her thoughts, Mr Darcy joined her on her solitary ramble amongst the bare rose bushes.

"Miss Bennet, I hope you are not too melancholic at the departure of your sister. I believe Bingley will ensure her safety and happiness during their journey." He appeared agitated and Elizabeth was wondering why he sought her out while politely answering his query.

After a silence of several minutes, he came towards her in an agitated manner, and thus began:

"In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

Elizabeth's astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement; and the avowal of all he felt, and had long felt for her, immediately followed. He spoke well; but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed; and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority - of its being a degradation - of the family obstacles which had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit.

In spite of the affection and respect she had felt for the gentleman for many weeks, his language angered her; she could not at first utter a word in her agitation and disappointment as he carried on talking.

He concluded with representing to her the strength of that attachment which, in spite of all his endeavours, he had found impossible to conquer; and with expressing his hope that it would now be rewarded by her acceptance of his hand. As he said this, she could easily see that he had no doubt of a favourable answer. He spoke of apprehension and anxiety, but his countenance expressed real security.

When he ceased talking, Elizabeth gathered her strength to control her tears, stood straighter, albeit looking rather pale, and said:

"Mr Darcy, while I recognise the honour of your offer, and feel some gratitude at having raised such feelings, the manner in which you bestowed your affection leaves me no choice but to refuse your proposal. I am sorry if this brings you pain and I assure you it has been unconsciously done; I dare hope it will be of short duration."

Mr Darcy seemed to catch her words with no less resentment than surprise. His complexion became pale with anger and, struggling with the appearance of composure, he would not open his lips until he attained it. The pause was dreadful for Elizabeth; her heart was breaking yet she must remain outwardly calm and respond in a ladylike manner.

"You will not marry me? And this is all the reply which I am to have the honour of expecting! I might perhaps wish to be informed why, with so little endeavour at civility, I am thus rejected. But it is of small importance." He asked with a cold controlled calmness.

"I might as well enquire," replied she, "why with so evident a desire of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason, and even against your character? Was not this some excuse for incivility, if I was uncivil?"

Closing her eyes for a moment to regain control over her emotions, she continued: "Do you believe that the feelings you expounded on at length, will lay a strong foundation for a lifetime together? I advise you to reflect very carefully upon the conflict of emotions you have just conveyed. I observe daily the evils that come from a relationship deemed unequal by one of the parties, with the added weight of more than twenty years of resentment; I cannot risk my future, for a woman is in a weak and precarious position in marriage; the danger is too great when you spoke more of the degradation such a wedding would bring than of the happiness it could have created."

Darcy had been pacing close to her in the gardens as she spoke; he stopped and turned towards her. "And this," he cried, "is your opinion of me! You believe me resentful and inconstant. But perhaps your answer would have been different had not your pride been hurt by my honest confession of the scruples that had prevented my forming any serious design until recently. But disguise of every sort is my abhorrence. I am not ashamed of the feelings I related. They were natural and just. Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections? To congratulate myself on the hope of relations whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?"

(Pride and Prejudice, chapter 34)

Elizabeth felt anger and despair warring inside her chest; yet she tried to speak with composure when she said: "You are mistaken Mr Darcy, I only believe you to be as human as the rest of us. I expected no proposals from you precisely for the reasons that held you back; I was already fully aware of the insurmountable distance between your position in life and mine; you had no need to remind me of the circumstances of my birth. From the knowledge of your character I acquired during our short acquaintance, I knew the importance you place on rank and connections, and I must admit to being surprised you condescended to offer for a woman so far below you; the import of such inequality in your circles, and the constance of your own opinion in the matter, do not give me any confidence that any tender feelings would long survive the condemnation of your peers. This, I was at peace with, even as I offered you friendship all these weeks past. No, Mr Darcy, my decision was based on the precariousness of my position as a woman in the lower circles of the gentry; the mode of your declaration only spared me the concern which I would have felt in refusing you had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner."

Elizabeth could feel her control over the tears she was holding back slipping away; she needed to conclude the discussion fast.

"I am sorry for the disappointment I have bestowed, but in time your conscience will acquit me of cruelty when you consider my perspective, the delicate situation of any woman once she marries. I can only hope that the struggles and scruples that held you back will ensure that any suffering I have caused will soon be overcome. Please accept my best wishes for your health and happiness."

With these words, Elizabeth turned and walked rapidly away from the gentleman. As soon as she knew herself out of sight, she started running towards her favourite, peaceful seat on the stump of a tree felled by lightning long ago.

Mrs Bennet had been looking for her daughter as the family was ready to return home when she saw Mr Darcy storm back into the room from a side door; the gentleman did not notice her as he collected his cousin and in short order took leave of the Hursts and got his carriage ready for departure. She was not certain what to make of his expression as it seemed to contain mortification, incredulity and anger all at once, but she suspected Elizabeth was at the heart of it; if that was the case her daughter was most likely suffering acutely at the moment, and Fanny knew where she would go. She could take the younger girls home and give Elizabeth time to think and cry, then she would ascend Oakham Mount and comfort her beloved girl.

She found Elizabeth sitting exactly where she expected her a little over an hour later.

"I brought you a warm blanket, my dear. Do you wish to discuss what took place after your sister and new brother left? I will not insist if you are not ready to talk." Her voice was low and soothing, and Elizabeth sighed and recounted the discussion that had sent her running to this spot.

Mrs Bennet was furious on her child's behalf. "Why, the pompous oaf, the proud unfeeling toad! That was badly done of him, badly done indeed!"

Elizabeth smiled, a strained small smile, but nonetheless an improvement on her previous frowns and tears. "No, Mama, he is right, I would have brought so little to such a union. Had I accepted, he would have had a wife he loved, but also the condemnation of his peers and his family for marrying so far beneath him, and might soon have learned to resent the person who damaged his reputation and maybe even harmed his sister's prospects. How long would it have taken for the initial bliss of marriage to be replaced by resentment and in time disgust? I would have loved him just as he is, with all his faults and qualities, through any obstacle and trial, but would it have been enough? If his struggles were so hard to overcome now, could he have long ignored the pressure from his circle of society? I wish to marry a man who will be content with having a devoted wife of modest origins, and who will love me for who I am without any regrets even when everyone else around only sees the position I was born to and not the woman I have become." She sighed and shook her head wearily.

"I should not have lost my temper, some of my words were unnecessarily mean and hurtful, but perhaps it is for the best; I must now have destroyed every tender feeling of attachment in him by acting as I did; if his present regrets are half as painful as mine, he will have suffered enough by the time they fade as he realises I do not belong to his world; he will forget me and be happy, just as he deserves. And in time I too will be well, Mama, I will regain my tranquility, knowing I acted as I should to protect him and his sister."

Fanny held her daughter for several minutes; she was not convinced the gentleman's affections would be so fickle, but Elizabeth did not need to know that; her daughter's heart would break anew if she believed the man she loved so selflessly was hurting as much as she did. Perhaps his boorish and disastrous proposal would have least had the benefit of sparing her daughter some of the regrets and pains she was experiencing.

"Right, cousin, time is up." Colonel Fitzwilliam walked unannounced in his cousin's study. "I gave you two days to drink and drown whatever sorrows put you in that mood, but that's enough. Mother is bringing Georgie back tomorrow and you will not show her that moping face of yours. What happened?"

"Go away, Richard, this does not concern you." Darcy had woken up sober enough but with a horde of horses galloping all over his skull.

"I will not go away, and the easiest way for you to have peace is to come clean. You can choose how difficult you want to make it on yourself." His cousin answered with a smile, taking his usual seat at the side of Darcy's desk. "I have ordered us a fresh pot of coffee, and I will not leave until it is empty."

With perfect efficiency, the housekeeper arrived promptly with a fresh tray with two cups and some of the gentlemen's favourite treats. Darcy sighed; he had never won a game of patience against Richard, and that was without a sore head. "She refused me. I asked Elizabeth for her hand after Bingley left with his new wife, and she refused me and ran away from me. I couldn't stay."

"What reason did she give you for her refusal? What were her exact words? And how did you ask?"

"What does it matter what words she used to crush me? And what do you mean how did I ask?" Having expected his cousin's full support, Darcy was confused and his temper was ready to flare.

"I mean," Richard patiently explained, "would you please repeat your proposal and her answer so I can understand how a young lady who could not stop looking at you with longing written all over her features for the few days I was in her presence could refuse you. Unless you now believe the girl is soft in the head, which I doubt, there must be a reason, and I would like to know whether it was her father or you who made her run away."

It took the colonel quite some time to fully extract the requested information from his cousin, but he prevailed as he always did; once Darcy had repeated many of the words he and Elizabeth had exchanged, Richard was stunned.

"Tell me you were joking just then, inventing a fable to entertain me as when we were children," he said looking at his cousin with a mix of hope and despair. "You cannot have proposed in such a vile manner to that sweet girl and expected any other answer than a swift rejection. I know how proficient you are at saying what comes through your head without fully considering the feelings of the person you are talking to, but you cannot be so lost to all propriety to address a woman you profess to love in such a way, to tell her that you did everything you could to not love her as she is so unsuitable; this is beyond cruel even for you. If anything, her reaction was far too gentle and forgiving."

Darcy frowned. "Cruel? Why would I not tell her of my struggles? They were just and reasonable; my offer was proof of the strength of my feelings. And yet she threw these feelings back at me as if they were something to fear, surely she was the one displaying cruelty. I would never hurt a woman, and her least of all; her current situation might be frightful, I do give you that, but I would have protected her, always."

Richard interrupted his cousin's angry speech: "Are you dumb? Perhaps you need to look at this from a different side for a moment. Let us consider our own Georgiana's first season, as this will soon be upon us, far too soon I fear. She is the daughter of a wealthy gentleman with a generous dowry, yet she is not from a titled family line, not directly anyway. What if a lord of higher rank, let's imagine a young marquess or a duke, falls in love with her; she is beautiful, clever and accomplished, so this is not such a stretch of my imagination."

Darcy nodded, unsure of his cousin's purpose yet, so Richard continued. "Now imagine the young man has been raised with as much contempt for the lower classes as my brother Anthony; his behaviour, while acceptable to the Ton, would be something I would be unhappy with, at least in a suitor for my ward; and if you allow me the liberty, it would be similar to behaviour you exhibited yourself frequently in the past. Anyway, the man starts by insulting Georgiana at their first meeting; being the sweetest of girls, she forgives him and offers him friendship when he needs it most. With a tender heart, the poor girl cannot help falling for the dunce who clearly does not deserve her. Shall we take this one step further?"

He paused for a moment to observe his cousin, gladly taking in Darcy's wide, horrified eyes, open mouth and deadly pale skin as understanding was sweeping through the man as relentlessly as the tide. "The last step then, the man proposes to our dear girl in the most insulting manner, emphasising the inferior connections of the Darcys, the lack of title and her negligible dowry, for what is thirty thousand pounds to a duke's fortune, as well as criticising her unsociable brother who barely remains on the edges of the first circles, preferring life in the countryside. What a degradation for a duke or future duke, related to the royal family, would a marriage to a mere gentleman's daughter be? In his eyes, our ward should be endlessly grateful for his condescension in asking for her hand. How do you think the sensitive girl would react? How would you as her loving brother and guardian feel?"

A heavy silence hung between them for a long time before Darcy groaned, and bowed his head to hide his face in his hands in distress. "What have I done? Mr Bennet belittled her whole life, that is why she expected nothing from me; I knew it or should have known it and done all I could to show her how much I value her; instead, she must believe I see her as unworthy, just as she has been told for years. I am no better than that man; no, I am worse than him, for I love her while he does not. Despite seeing her pain, for even in my shock and anger I did see the tears ready to fall and her shaking hands, I continued blindly in my pride and folly. Good God, Richard, I am the one who is undeserving, not Elizabeth, beautiful, brave Elizabeth. What am I to do now?"

Richard stood next to his cousin and placed a firm hand on his shoulder. "You make amends and prove that you are worthy of her. You cannot rush back there with Bingley on his wedding trip, so you take the time to prepare a plan of attack for the lady's trust; I do not say her heart, for I am certain you already have it and her nature is such, I believe, that she will not overcome her feelings quickly, but unless she feels safe in your love and steadiness, she will not surrender her life to you."

Darcy chuckled sadly. "This is not a battlefield, Richard, she is not the enemy and I am not asking her to surrender anything. I want Elizabeth to be my partner in everything, my equal, not subservient in any way; I want us to stand side by side for the rest of our lives. Could she forgive me once more, for a much deeper insult than the first? She must, I know not how, but she must forgive me, even if she never agrees to marry me; she is perfect, cousin, strong, clever, handsome, and caring and I cannot bear to think that she is alive in the world and thinking ill of me."

"From our short acquaintance, I am ready to believe Miss Elizabeth Bennet has an above-average capacity for forgiveness, although you may have to develop a similarly high capacity to grovel. It will do you good; Anthony and you have become unbearably pompous and proud, let her be the one to knock you down and give me my second favourite cousin back." Fitzwilliam finished the remains of his coffee before leaving Darcy to consider his mistakes and the required actions to fix these on his own for a few hours. He suspected he would need to visit daily until Bingley returned to Netherfield, but with his current posting at the war office in London, it was easy enough; and seeing Darcy, his dearest friend, shed the many years of disillusion and contempt for the world in exchange for joy and liveliness should he win Miss Bennet's hand would be worth the effort.