Chapter 14
Entering the Tournament
Kris, Susie, and Ralsei continued following the map towards the oasis where the magical markings indicated Jockington was being held captive. They ran into many other Darkners along the way, but rather than getting into any more fights, the new denizens of the Dark World were in need of comforting.
The Fung Gang first game across a couple of kelp creatures weeping themselves dry because they had been treated so cruelly by the Beach Buffs. They moaned and whined about being to flat, to flimsy, not hot enough to hang out with the cool kids in the Oasis Kingdom.
"Sounds like a bunch of winners," Susie grumbled. "Why do you want to hang out with a bunch of jerks like that?!"
"Because we'll be popular!" the Darkners answered miserably. "And now, we never will be!"
"By why do you want to be popular? It just seems like a hassle, and everyone tries to get into your business, your life, or your pants," Susie said, annoyed and bewildered with their attitude.
"That's precisely why we want to be popular! And it will give us a good excuse to wear pants!"
"Okay… Whatever."
"By why go through the process of becoming popular if it's making you so miserable?" Ralsei asked, acting far kindlier than Susie.
"No pain, no gain my man."
Kris offered them a piece of paper and asked for the signatures. He kelp creatures quickly brightened and cheered, "Oh, we're now celebrities! That's beyond popular!"
"No," Susie countered. "That's the definition of popular!"
"They can't reject us now," the kelp creatures said, eagerly scribbling nonsense across Kris' scrap paper. "Because you are our first, only, and most adoring fan, we won't charge you for this!"
"You shouldn't have encouraged them like that," Susie complained as they left the creatures.
However, word of Kris' heroic deed quickly spread across the dunes surrounding the Oasis Kingdom. They were next greeted by creature shaped like a tossed popsicle stick, who said that he wanted their signatures as the Lightner heroes. Then he could get even more famous signatures and then sell himself for loads of money and get himself out of debt. Then he would be accepted into the Oasis Kingdom!
"Dude, that's call slavery," Susie pointed out.
After him came pack of sand lions, who were upset that they were rejected by the Beach Buffs for not being as cool or as deadly as Antlions. The Fun Gang couldn't figure out what to tell them because they were already really fierce and awesome looking lions made of sand and rubies, but the bullying had taken hold. They were completely brainwashed by their trauma to think they weren't awesome in the slightest.
Kris responded to this by scratching the sand lions behind the ears. They immediately flopped down and began purring incessantly. Susie and Ralsei joined in and soon the whole pack was rattling the nearby dunes, making them crumble with the ferocity of their contentment.
"Ah, thank you!" the lead lion said. "We understand now that we can be fierce house cats! This is perfect! We don't need to be the Beach Buff's equals when we can be their awesome pets!"
"That seems like a real stretch that sells yourselves short," Ralsei commented, but the sand lions didn't pay any attention.
After them came a trio of busty coastmaids. These strange Dark Worlders were curvaceous, humanoid women covered in fish scales, reminding Susie a lot of mermaids. Only, they had no fishy bit to get in the way. They dressed themselves similarly to the heroes, wearing towels and swim gear, but they also have too-small seashells to restraints their boobs from popping out.
Susie made sure to keep Kris very close to her, crushing them against herself. It made it difficult for them to help the coastmaids, who were especially persistent in begging for help, without being able to get a good look at them or even breath sometimes.
Kris tapped Susie, asking to be let go.
"Not on your life! I know beach wenches when I see them," she snorted.
"What can we do for you lovely ladies?" Ralsei asked, earning him a sour glare from Susie.
"We want boyfriends!"
"You can have Ralsei."
"Woopee!" they cried springing for the little goat boy.
"Wait, wait! Let's talk this over," Ralsei protested frantically.
Kris tried to motion to get the coastmaids' attention. They succeeded and soon, Susie was surrounded. Despite her own protests, Kris did their best to explain to the coastmaids that they needed to value themselves more. In this region, where being cool and belonging seemed so important, it was far better to value oneself. They could belong and be cool without having a boyfriend on their hip.
"Says the one being crushed in their girlfriend's chest," they cooed.
"If you want one, get your own," Susie snarled.
Two of the coastmaids rounded back on Ralsei, who was hurriedly stitching something together. Before Susie could even ask the Dark prince where he got the materials, Ralsei propped up another test dummy. He waved the dummy's hand at the coastmaids.
"Oooo! He's so cute!"
"Just like the original!"
"We can take both of them to the party!"
"Now, now, hold up!" Ralsei said nervously, blushing bright pink. "I am flattered, but because you are looking for a boyfriend, you should know that jumping straight into a relationship is not always best or healthy! I'm all for making friends, but if you need a boyfriend, why not take this little guy here? He won't talk back, he won't disagree with you, and he's cute! The perfect boyfriend for you to take to the party!"
The coastmaids huddled to talk over Ralsei's proposition. Kris muttered into Susie's chest how this was a very unhealthy solution to the problem.
"I know," Ralsei fretted. "But we want to avoid a fight. And I also want to avoid getting abducted by these crazy, hot women."
"Wait, was there a comma in there?" Susie asked.
"Anyway, we need to get to Jockington and save him. And I am getting the impression from all these people's problems, that while they are very important to them, they are incredibly, destructively superficial. Everything we are doing for them is like slapping Band-Aid onto serious wounds," Ralsei explained.
"It's all wasting our time and not fixing what is at the core of the situation. Listening to these folk, I think that party or people surrounding the tournament we have to enter are responsible for corrupting all these people with horrible ideas. They're poisoning them with expectations that they need to be popular, look a certain way, act a certain way, think a certain way. It's toxic! So, if we want to help them out for good, we need to beat that tournament and break whatever strangle hold cool kids in the Oasis Kingdom have!"
"HELL YEAH! That's what I'm talking about," Susie exclaimed. "Then what ware we waiting for? Let's ditch these bimbos-"
"We've agreed that we'll take the Dummy Ralsei Boyfriend," the coastmaids said together.
One added, "But we wouldn't mind meeting the real one again, soon."
Ralsei's pink blush turned to crimson. Susie hailed him away by the scruff of his neck while still crushing Kris. "Come on lover boy, we need to keep going."
When the Oasis Kingdom was finally insight over the last few sand dunes, another group halted them. A bunch of sunburned monsters and humans without faces approached them. Kris shuddered, seeing once again more humans, but rendered in a way that was all wrong.
Susie noticed their reaction and took their hand calmingly. "Don't worry. We'll figure this out and dash for the trees."
This group was just like all the others. Banished from the Oasis Kingdom by the so-called cool kids and they desperately wanted back in. Their problem was that they had been turned away by the cool kids because they were so pasty and blinding. Susie had a remedy for that.
"Don't worry about being pasty. You're all bright red!"
"Oh? Ouch! Wow! That's wonderful!" the group cheered.
"Let me guess, you're a bunch of nerds who didn't get out enough?" she asked.
"Precisely! But we wanted to have our chance to schmooz the coo kids and possibly go out on some dates!"
Susie smirked. "Then you will absolutely love a group of coastmaids walking around with a dummy that looks like this guy!" She held up Ralsei for emphasis.
The nerds eagerly agreed and dashed of for the oasis.
Kris cocked their head. That was shockingly easy.
"Hey, I can also ACT on my own," Susie said confidently, breathing plumes of smoke through her nostrils. "And as history will bear out, I get the job done!"
"A confident Susie is the best kind of Susie," Ralsei commented.
"Let the light of redeemed bad girls shine through you!" Susie roared, picking up Kris and Ralsei. She tucked them under her arms and sprinted for the trees. "Now quick! Before anyone else stops us and asks for help!"
"But isn't that what heroes do?" Ralsei asked, barely holding onto his towel.
"Do you really want to leave Berdly possibly in charge f saving Temmie? I don't want him to have too much time with that massive robot Monster Kid's got, or something bad might happen!"
"Noted."
Kris nodded in agreement.
They were soon under the cooling shade of the palm trees. A nicely leveled sand path led through the forest, flanked with tinkling and singing fountains. They all portrayed the same four characters, two guy monsters and two girl monsters, all of them dressed in beach patrol swimsuits. They were all ripped, all sexy, and flaunting it. Kris remembered the eleventh commandment: If thou hast, thou shalt flaunt.
Following the path was easy and Susie set Kris and Ralsei back on their own feet. They soon heard a ton of commotion. A weird tingle ran up their spines, as if they were about to get harshly judged. Rounding one very large palm, they found themselves walking onto a resort's grounds. Magnificent, sparkling pools were filled with partying monsters. Muscular humans with no faces showed off under a ramada. Posters were hanging up between the trees, showing off The Dude, smiling and winking at everyone. Copious amounts of questionable drinks were being shared and sloshed all over the place. In the distance was a large, sandy arena.
And watching over it all were four lifeguards atop their gilded towers. Here, the cool kids reigned over the whole party. Bobbing around and in between their stands was a spherical cage with Jockington, where he appeared to be playing ping-pong against himself. He was sweating up a storm.
"Well, well, well, well! Look at what we have here! Three more nerds thinking they can join the party," one of the cool kids drawled.
"Hey, that's not right," Susie growled. "These two are the nerds!"
"That makes you a poser," another cool kid snickered.
"No, she's Susie," Ralsei said kindly but firmly. "I'm Ralsei and this is Kris. And we're here to rescue our friend!"
"Woah! Thanks man," Jockington panted. "But I'm almost done! It's really hard to be stuck in a 21-21 game with yourself!"
"Yup, that's Jockington," Susie muttered.
Kris motioned to the four cool kids and announced their intent to rescue Jockington. They also wanted to remove the curse on them and their friends. They understood that there was a game that needed to be played. It would be great to get underway immediately.
"We don't want to give him up," the third cool kid complained. "Watching him struggle is so much fun!"
"No pain, no gain," Jockington replied.
"See?" the fourth and final cool kid added.
Kris read the names emblazoned on golden plaques hanging above each lifeguard's head. Jiggles-a-lot, Sir Stretch-n-Sweats, Busty Belle, and Lather Up. They pointed out the names to the others, eliciting a groan from Susie. "I really hate this place."
"Why should we let you compete in the tournament, even if there is an attractive allure to you?" Jiggles-a-lot asked, leaning forward to give extra emphasis to her voluptuous nature.
Kris calmly explained that they needed to save all their friend and defeat The Dude.
"You think you can defeat The Dude?" Sir Stretch-n-Sweats laughed, spraying slaty water in all direction.
"We can and we will," Susie snarled. "We've defeated other bad guys through the Dark World and we didn't come all this way just to put up with a bunch of pretty boys and girls laughing down at us because they're too scared to potentially lose! Now, get down from there and let's start this stupid tournament!"
"How can you do that when you only have three people to play against four?" Busty Belle cooed.
Kris said that they intended to have Jockington help them out if they needed a team of four for the tournament.
"Ha! We intended to give him to you," Lather Up said with a wicked grin. It made Kris and Susie's skins crawl; these cool kids were definitely up to something.
"Wait, then why did you say three?" Susie asked.
"Where your furry friend?" Jiggle-a-lot laughed.
Kris and Susie looked around frantically. They found Ralsei at the bottom of a dog pile on a lawn chair. The coastmaids from before had tossed aside the dummy and were kissing the Dark Prince all over. Undressing him too.
"No, no, NO! None of that here, you horny bitches!" Susie roared, using her axe to bat them all off Ralsei.
He was flushed and panting, making himself as small as possible and covered in lipstick. "Th-Thank you, S-Susie!"
"Stay between me and Kris from now on until we leave this place," Susie harrumphed.
"Got it!"
Kris asked how Ralsei even got ensnared by the coastmaids.
"Don't we have more pressing matters?" the Dark Prince yelped. "Cool kids, you have your four challengers! What is this tournament?"
"It's actually really simple," Jiggle-a-lot said. "You must climb the ranks in the beach volleyball roster and then successfully beat us! o it, and your curse will be broken, and you can have snake boy back!"
"Booya!" Jockington cheered.
"But if you lose, you will all serve to entertain us for the rest of time!"
"Ah shucks… Guys, we better not lose!" Jockington shouted.
Susie glared at the beach volleyball arena and grumbled, "Of course these preppy, sexy extroverts would want to do something like that… Alright, you're on! We're going to pound you so hard into the dirt, you'll be six feet under!"
Sir Stretch-n-Sweat stood up and flung out his arms, showering everyone in uncomfortable droplets. "Who's ready for a tooooooooooorrrrnaaaaammmmmeeeeeent Arc!?"