Chapter 18

Ana

I'm both comfortable and uncomfortable. I feel like I'm laying in a bed fit for a queen. Is my bed this luxurious? But my body feels like it got hit by an eighteen-wheeler. As I come to, the dull ache in my lower stomach wrenching me from sleep becomes impossible to ignore, and my eyes blink open.

The light is muted, this bed is certainly not my own, and everything comes back to me at breakneck speed as I look over and see Christian sleeping soundly next to me.

The question of 'did we or didn't we' answers itself very quickly as I realize that I have a pad that might as well be a diaper desperately needing to be changed. I slip out of bed, being careful not to jostle him, and steal away into the adjoining bathroom.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I get my bearings. I went to the gala. I fainted. I… miscarried. I lost the baby. That word had still felt foreign to me, and yet knowing that it's now no longer happening at all is somehow even stranger to comprehend. Christian took me to the hospital, then brought me here, and I asked him to stay with me until I was asleep, and I guess he fell asleep too. So, to recap, Christian carted me around, emotionally babysat me, and held me until I fell asleep while I was miscarrying someone else's baby. Now that was most definitely not on my bingo card for experiences that we would have together when I met him. He is entirely too wonderful. I hardly saw this side of him back then, but now it's the main thing I do see.

The dark circles under my eyes are a stark contrast to my pale, drained face. It seems that I slept well, but I still feel achy and tired. My body has definitely not fully recovered from this yet, and my soul feels just as ravaged. First of all, I have no idea how I really feel about losing the pregnancy. I'm sad, but I'm also painfully relieved, and that makes me feel horrible. Not to mention how I've dragged Christian into this even further, much further than he was ever supposed to be. All of this was supposed to be me protecting him, protecting his name and reputation against character assassination from my vindictive, manipulative former lover. I have one night of weakness and that all goes to shit.

I know I have to tell him everything, but I just can't fathom losing him over it. He's done so much for me, and I ruined the one thing only I could do for him. I knew I was going to lose him anyway, but that was as the tradeoff for keeping Cam away from him. To lose him and have him get hurt? How much can one person bleed?

Speaking of blood, now that the carnage I had to take care of in the bathroom has been subdued, I'm noticing that I feel hungry. I imagine my body has gone through a lot of work in the last day, and I never did get to eat dinner. I open the bathroom door as silently as possible, and I see that Christian is still sleeping, so I suppose I have nothing better to do than to go make us some breakfast.

I feel a strange sense of déjà vu as I root through his kitchen finding pots and pans and ingredients. I have done this before on a morning after, but the last time, I had just lost my virginity. And that makes my thoughts take a dark turn. What will I lose in this apartment next? But I think I know the answer to that, and rather than follow this train of thought and completely lose my appetite, I try to focus on pancakes and bacon instead.

The act of cooking is calming and gives my mind something menial to do, though my grasp at peace wavers when I hear frantic footsteps. "Ana? Ana, are you here?"

Christian flies into the living area, looking around wildly and nearly sagging with relief when he sees me. I wave to him with the pancake spatula I'm holding. "Sorry. I got hungry, and you were sleeping so soundly."

He walks towards me, and I expect him to sit down at one of the stools and wait for me to finish cooking, but instead he walks around the island and gives me a tight hug, lifting me up off my toes a little bit. "I thought you'd left," he mutters into my hair.

I cautiously hug him back, minding where I know his safe spots are. "No, I didn't. Did you sleep okay? I'm sorry you didn't make it to your own bed."

"I'm not." He pulls back and looks me over appraisingly. "How are you feeling? Any pain? Are you still bleeding?"

"Chill out, doctor." I step just out of his grasp, flipping the pancakes before they burn. "I'm not exactly feeling 100%, but I'm feeling well enough and hungry enough to get up and make food. Sit down, it'll just be a minute."

He smirks. "Yes, ma'am." I try to steer my thoughts away from how delicious he looks first thing in the morning as he walks around the island, plopping into a chair. "I feel like we've done this before."

I shake my head, finding myself smiling at his playfulness. As ever, the mood swings are strong with this one. "In another life." In another context.

"What life was that?" he asks, feigning confusion.

"Oh, let's see… the year is 1943. You've just been drafted to fight in the war, I see you on a crowded street, and I decide that that man needs one more pancake breakfast before he saves the world. You are invigorated and thanks to me, you get a medal of honor for your service."

"Wow. Do I lose any limbs? A couple toes, maybe?"

"Nope, you're fine."

"So, we've never done this in modern times?"

"Not that I can talk about. NDAs and all." He rolls his eyes, and I point my spatula at him again. "Remember how I wasn't allowed to do that? You were such a tyrant."

To my surprise, he laughs. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"I suppose we can call it even. Can you get plates? Do you even know where plates are in your own kitchen?"

"I still have to eat on weekends, you know." The banter feels good. Even in our best times, I never had that with Cam. "Do you want coffee or tea?"

"I'm dying for some coffee, honestly."

He starts his fancy coffee maker, I dish out our breakfasts, and I don't even notice that he'd gone until he comes back. "Here. I got you more pain relief."

"Oh. Thanks." I pop the two Advil with a sip from the mug he's also just handed me. "Holy shit, I missed coffee," I mutter as I sit down.

"Were you trying to cut caffeine?" he asks, crunching on a piece of bacon.

"Well, I had to because of the—" I stop talking, my fork pausing midair.

He suddenly understands, and his gaze turns from playful to remorseful. "I'm sorry. I don't know much about… those things."

I shrug. "I don't either." The reminder of why we're sitting here together immediately brings the conversation to a screeching halt, so I take a deep breath and put on my big girl pants. "I think there are some things that we need to talk about today. Then I'll be going, and you won't have to worry about me again."

"Do you know where the switch in my brain is that will make me stop worrying about you? Because I certainly haven't been able to find it." His tone is a little sharper now.

"I just mean I'll be out of your hair. And your apartment."

"There's no rush for you to leave. And where will you go? Back to him?"

"Christian, please. I'll explain everything. Can we just finish up here, wake up a little bit?"

"Just please don't frame it as if your leaving is something I want. If you want to go, that's your decision." He goes back to stabbing a pancake with his fork.

We continue to eat in silence for a few moments before a silly thought occurs to me. "How does Taylor have time to shop for me and guard you against bodily harm?"

He snorts a laugh. Got him back. "He's quite the man. Besides, I didn't think you were going to shank me. He could afford to take his eyes off me. Incidentally, he also got you some clothes for today."

"Oh, that's great." Especially considering the only other thing I have is a blood-soaked ball gown. "At least risk of inciting your moodiness again… you really didn't have to do all of this. You were far more generous to me last night than you needed to be. But… thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I don't know where I'd be right now without you."

He shakes his head like I'm telling him something ridiculous. "Ana, you don't have to thank me."

"Well, I want to, so deal with it."

We finish breakfast, and he shows me the selection of clothes for me in the closet of the bedroom I – we – had just used. Yes, I said selection. I thought Taylor got me one outfit. Apparently, someone wanted me to have options. Well, I suppose the next sub can always use them…

I choose some comfy jeans and a sweatshirt. Even though it's near the end of summer, Christian's apartment is air conditioned to the max, and I've been so cold since last night. I wish I had some concealer to dab under my eyes, but what you see is what you get right now. I guess it doesn't matter anyway. I'm not here to impress him.

I go down the hall and find him pacing in his great room, typing on his phone. I take a moment to admire his profile, the sharp edge of his jawline, his tousled hair, the nose, the lips. He was all of my wildest dreams at once at one point. Who are you kidding? He never stopped being a dream. And nothing more.

I've had my last glimpse of him, and now the show must go on. "Christian?"

He looks up at me, a small smile appearing as he looks me over. "You look so much better this morning. Are you feeling okay?"

I smile back and nod, feeling a blush creep across my face. "Can I talk to you?"

His expression turns serious. "Yes. I think that's wise. I have some things I want to share with you as well."

My stomach is full of butterflies. I sit down on the couch and cross my legs, folding my hands in my lap. He sits on the other side, waiting for me to speak. "Well, to start, I know that you're confused about… why I'm with him. I just want to be honest and give you the full explanation of what's gone down. I… I feel like it's best to start about a week ago." I clear my throat. "It's been clear to me for quite some time now that my relationship with Cam is not a happy one. I've known that I'm not getting what I need or want from him. I was hoping it was a phase and it would change, but I couldn't wait anymore. So, last week, I decided that I was moving out. I was looking at an apartment the next day, I even told Iris and Kate. But then, I went to a routine doctor's appointment, and… plans changed."

His brows knit together. "You were staying with him for the child?"

I shake my head. "Not exactly. More like… getting the news that I was pregnant completely shook my world. Whatever plans I thought I had just evaporated because I was totally shell-shocked. Like I said, she did an ultrasound, and I couldn't even look. I'd never thought much about having a baby, not in any real context, and this was the worst possible moment. So, I went home, and Cam met me there not too long after because I'd asked him to come home so we could talk… so I could end things… and I just ended up telling him. And…" I take a deep breath, wrapping my arms around myself. "He told me that he knew about your past. BDSM. And that if I left him, he'd tell the press."

He now has his best poker face on. "What has this to do with me?"

I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "We both know that it's ridiculous, but… Cam has convinced himself that you're in love with me. And he doesn't want to… lose. Says it would make him look bad. But us as a happy little family, keeping the baby, would improve his image."

He stares at me for a few beats, his face giving nothing away. "I'm still not clear on why that means you're staying with him."

Do I have to draw him a diagram? "Christian… if I left, he would go after your reputation and try to ruin you. I couldn't let that happen. You don't deserve that. Unless and until I could come up with a better plan… this one was the one I could live with the easiest."

"You stayed with him because he threatened to target me?" I nod, and he snorts dismissively. "He can't ruin me. My lawyers would gag him faster than his supposedly meteoric rise in AI. Worst comes to worst, he'd probably accept a payoff. It's clear that he's money motivated."

"What do you mean?"

"Are you aware that Westerley is embezzling?"

If I had a drink in my mouth, I'd be doing a spit take. "He's what?"

"Does the name Daniel Moreno mean anything to you?"

"Uh, yeah. How do you know all of this?"

"I contracted a team to learn more about what Westerley is doing over there in his unsightly skyscraper. I thought it would just reveal more about what pies he had his fingers in, but employees started to talk, and we learned from one executive on his team that he's been following the money and it's not adding up. My team then discovered that's the name on the bank account he's funneling the money to."

"Daniel was his best friend in college. They did a lot of collaborations together when Westerley Tech was in its infancy, but they had a falling out. I'm not sure what about. Cam told me it was something petty. I don't really know what that means anymore…"

He slowly slides over and wraps an arm around my shoulders, rubbing my arm. "So, you see, he can't take me down. I have ammunition that will destroy him. I've been holding onto this because I didn't know how it would affect you. I'd do anything to avoid getting you caught in the crosshairs." I start laughing, and he looks at me with amused confusion. "Am I missing the joke?"

"It's just so ironic that we've both just been doing nothing because we thought that would be best for the other person."

"Yes… it is funny how that worked. So, you're saying you want to leave him?"

He's gazing at me very earnestly. I'm a little surprised by the intensity. "I really don't want to be with him."

"Will you be sad that it's over?"

"I'm not sure. If I am, I still think it will be better than the sad I've been with him."

"Were you sad when we were over?" he asks softly.

"I think you were harder for me to shake off than he will be," I answer honestly, but not too honestly.

"How long was it?"

"Before what?"

"Before I was gone from your mind."

So much for tempering the honesty. "I'll let you know." He's quiet then, smiling down at the two of our hands, which have become entwined at some point. "Christian… even if I leave now, I don't know if he'll retaliate against you anyway. This all happened because of the baby, but maybe that was just an excuse for him to try to keep me around."

"So, we'll have to get to him first."

"What do you mean?"

"You have things at that house you shared together, correct?"

"Yes?" Where is he going with this?"

"So, you'll have to go back and hypothetically see him."

"Yeah. He's called me a bunch of times since last night, actually. Asking when I'm coming home."

"Do you think you can get him to admit to everything out loud?"

"The embezzlement? I don't know."

"Well, there's only one way to find out. And in that case, I think we should go and get your stuff back today."

A/N: Mischief begins. They're finally allies!