Chapter Six
There was so much on Jessica's mind. Her brain was truly filled completely. The rut she had been in had lasted a few months. Seth called it a rut, she was worried she needed a change in her life. She had to recognize that she enjoyed being in New York. Going to the ballet, the theater, and the opera at night was very enjoyable. Dining with friends, researching at the major libraries was helpful as well. She didn't cook as often but it was nice having groceries delivered or getting takeout delivered. There was always something to do. Oh, she enjoyed Cabot Cove very much. After a month or two in New York she was ready to return home but after a month or two in Cabot Cove, she was ready to head back to New York. The hurtful gossip didn't help matters but there would be news about her no matter where she lived.
She was living in two worlds and it was becoming difficult. In ten years she had changed so much. Grown in some ways, you could say. Her horizons were larger but so were her dreams. After Frank's death, she was happy to get through one day at a time and was often surprised when she managed to get through several days in a row. Now she was making plans for her future when before she didn't even want a future without Frank.
Her other thoughts centered on Seth. He really was her best friend but she had to admit she had an escape when she needed one. Could she manage to be with Seth, day in and day out, without blowing her top? While she was attracted to him, physically as well as mentally, was it enough to form a long lasting relationship? Actually their friendship is already a lasting relationship but adding a physical dimension always changes things. Would he be willing to leave Cabot Cove? Maybe not permanently but if she were in a relationship, she would love traveling together. There would be opportunities for sightseeing and just having alone time without pressure or neighbors spying.
Time flew and although she still had questions about her future she was pretty settled about what she wanted, what she was willing to compromise, and what she wanted to do about Seth. She just wasn't certain how he would react.
Leaving Hawaii wasn't difficult. She was happy and rested and ready to have a shore dinner with a large bowl of clam chowder. Her plane touched down in Portland and she was seeking Seth as soon as she entered the terminal. She found him at baggage claim. The carousel hadn't started yet so she tapped him on the shoulder.
"Seth, it's good of you to come." She smiled at him before giving him a hug and kissing his cheek. A thrill went through her as her body touched his. Maybe this wouldn't be difficult after all.
He looked her over. "Jess, you almost have a tan." He smiled at her when she rolled her eyes.
"You have to blame my ancestors for my fair skin, Seth." The conveyor belt started and she watched for her two suitcases. Seth already knew them by sight and was able to grab both without her assistance when they came around.
"Can we stop and get a bite to eat? It's been a long time since I've had a shore dinner," suggested Jessica. They were seated in Seth's car and he patted her hand as he agreed.
They stopped at a restaurant they've frequented before and Jessica ended up with lobster, crab cakes, and clam chowder, as well as a salad.
"You are hungry," remarked Seth. He was enjoying a lobster as well but he omitted the crab cakes in favor of grilled vegetables.
"I skipped breakfast and the food on the plane wasn't appealing so I just ate cheese and crackers," explained Jessica. She pushed away her empty bowl and began eating her salad.
An hour later they drove up to her house. She unlocked her kitchen door and stood staring. Hanging above her sink was a photo of the cast of The Canterbury Tales. Jessica and Seth stood beside each other smiling in the picture. It was in a brass frame that matched the brass fixtures and blended in well with her kitchen.
"Oh Seth, thank you!" She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek. The picture was taken before most of the drama and the cast had been in good spirits.
"I wanted you to have a keepsake of the happier times with the theater and not the unhappy moments," he remarked quietly. He picked up her suitcases and took them upstairs to her room while she started her coffee maker.
She was starting to get nervous about speaking with Seth. He had been patient but it was time for answers. Neither seemed ready to begin and they lingered over coffee.
"Let's go in the living room and talk," suggested Jessica. She had cleared the table and put the mugs in the sink for later. He followed after her and sat on the couch beside her.
"Jess, let me say this," he began. "I love you and we can work together on anything you're worried about. We've been friends so long and I think that's more important than being lovers."
"I'm not worried about that, Seth." She assured him. "I'm worried about us going in different directions."
"What do you mean?"
"Seth, you've lived. You were in the military. You traveled a lot of places, yes, I know it was war time and not an experience to be enjoyed but you still lived. After you finished school and got married, had your daughter, you and Ruth did things together as a couple and as a family. You were in Portland, a much larger place and you've told me how you went to Canada and other places on vacation. I know you understand the loss of losing a spouse and it is great not having to try to get you to understand but for the first time in my life I'm seeing the world. I don't necessarily love everything I see but I do like traveling. I love it here too but sometimes I'm restless. You always want me to return home and home is wonderful too but it is wonderful because you're here. Frank and I did a little traveling but not much. He had traveled so much in the military that he preferred to be home. I guess war does that to a person."
"If I lived somewhere else, you wouldn't want to live here?" asked Seth.
"I don't think so, Seth. I love the people here and it has been a soothing balm while I grieved but I'm healing and moving on with my life." She shifted in her seat. "I don't enjoy racing from city to city all the time but when I can spend a few weeks somewhere I do enjoy exploring, a little sightseeing, and just feeling the energy of a town. The only thing I regret at times is doing it all by myself. I'd like to share those experiences with you."
"So you're saying you want to leave Cabot Cove and travel the world?"
"I want to keep Cabot Cove as a base. I want to be here at Christmas and New Year's, Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July. I like writing my stories here. I love my house and garden but my eyes have been opened. I don't know how many years I have left but I want to see more of the world. Europe, Asia, and I've never been to South America yet." She squeezed his hand. "I'm thinking from January until June I'd like to travel, not constantly. I'd like to stay a few weeks in different places. Take notes, do some research and then return here in June or July and write. I want to see the seasons change here at home and be among friends."
"So, we can be together but only part time? You just want to remain friends?" demanded Seth. "I can't say I'm not disappointed, Jess." He was able to keep the quiver out of his voice and for that he was grateful.
"It's not what I'm saying, Seth," soothed Jessica. "I'm hoping you can find some time to be with me. I know you have a practice but you have a partner now and you can spend time away. Even if it's just a few days each month, you could meet me places. Travel is faster and more convenient now."
"Jess, your world is different from mine. I can't jet about like you." He huffed to himself. Why did it always boil down to money? He liked traveling and did a little but he couldn't afford her lifestyle.
She was watching him shrewdly, probably knowing exactly what he was thinking and not saying.
"Seth, how close are you to retiring?" She tried to peer into his eyes but he kept them lowered.
"Not that close, Jess. I'm just beginning to set aside funds for retirement. I hadn't been able to save much before, as you know." He shifted uncomfortably. He hated discussing his finances, especially with her. "You seem to be picking up speed with your life while I'm slowing down."
"If we're together…"
"Don't say it, Jessica. I will not be a kept man. I refuse." He stood. "You might be changing with your new world and ideas but I'm not."
Jessica stood and followed after him. "I wasn't suggesting that Seth." She stopped walking as he opened the door.
"You've had time to think and didn't want to discuss things while I was with you so now I've got to think too. Goodnight." He walked out and closed the door gently behind him.
That didn't go as well as it could, thought Jessica. She knew while she stared out at the Pacific Ocean in Hawaii that it was going to boil down to money, pride, stubbornness, and more money. They both suffered from pigheadedness as she called it. Each wanting their own way, each refusing to budge. She never wanted to wound his pride though. He had to feel as though he was contributing to the relationship. Their friendship was a partnership of sorts. They both decided on activities, discussed politics, there was so much they shared day to day but she knew if he didn't feel like an equal partner, it would never work out for them as a couple. As friends, they were equal in all ways, give and take, but taking it to a more intimate level would be tricky.
She didn't like to dwell on being a celebrity as everyone called her. But being famous changed things. Seth was not a man to be pushed aside, he had to bring as much to the table as her or he wouldn't do it. Period. The good thing was he knew her, not just as JB Fletcher but as Jessica Fletcher. She also knew he didn't know the ins and outs of her finances. She rarely mentioned money to him at all.
Her lifestyle in Cabot Cove wasn't much different since Frank's death. She wore clothing she always wore even as a teacher. Comfortable clothes that could be worn as she biked around town. Sturdy walking shoes or tennis shoes, sweaters or sweatshirts over button down shirts, and usually jeans. Yes, she wore a simple dress or skirt and blouse at times when something nicer was appropriate but nothing trendy like she wore in New York. In fact, her New York clothes stayed in her closet there most of the time.
She was frugal with most of her money. She tucked it away for later after putting aside money for Grady and his family. She paid for college for nieces and nephews when necessary. She kept an apartment in New York, true but it was a second home and more of a tax benefit. She bought nicer things to wear, bought a little jewelry, and treated herself to spas and salons on occasion but she still cleaned her own house, washed her own clothes, and did most of her own gardening. She didn't have to spend money on cars and all the expenses they entailed. She didn't have a boat or summer home. While she did travel business class when she had to pay for it instead of coach, most of her travel was paid by her publisher.
She donated anonymously for the most part to several charities, local and nationally. She hadn't spent money remodeling or redecorating her house. She knew it was because she wanted to keep things the way she had it when she lived with Frank. Oh, she had to buy a new appliance every now and then and maintain the house with plumbing or electrical repairs. A new coat of paint or a new rug on occasion was added but she kept the same pictures up and had to admit she needed to replace her sofa. She needed to update her windows but she still had a frugal nature about spending money. She did feel guilty at times though since many of the service establishments could use the revenue.
The worst part though was she was ready for physical affection. She wanted to be with Seth and she knew it wouldn't happen if they envisioned different lifestyles.