Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters of the witcher. Those are property of Mr Sapkowski and I using Netflix series canon mixed with the books, but this is an alternate take of it.

Warning : Blood, anxiety, depression, sickness. Emotional and physical whump.

Trigger : Flashbacks. The implied things are what can trigger in those flashbacks.

Notes : I answer this here because VikingHeart13 had a point in their review. Maybe someone else is interested. The dream traveller isn't Seanchai. But Saenchai is indeed involved 😏

By the way : I answer reviews in pm for those who have accounts and in the next chapter for the anonymous ones. Don't be shy if you have questions.

Chapter 5 : Deep inside
(4 days before)

###

Geralt knew that the Axii trick wouldn't be the best idea. Jaskier was leaning on him in an uncomfortable position that didn't help as much as he had wished with his injuries. Holding the illusion for him to believe he was not in pain was mentally exhausting. So they went as far as they could.

- "Geralt, we can't continue like that." Said Cahir helping easing the bard on the ground when they found a good spot to stop.

- "I agree on that." Said Regis, looking at the bandages now decorated with large patches of blood. "I am pretty sure some sutures didn't hold but if I remove the bandages now, I have nothing to replace them and they keep some pressure on the wounds. We need supplies and we need to find something else to transport him, or the bleeding won't stop properly."

Geralt put the long red leather coat on his friend to keep a bit of warmth in him. The bard eyes flickered open.

- "Hey poet. How do you feel ?" Asked the vampire.
- "Everything hurt." He cried softly.
- "I know. I am sorry, but you will need to be strong a little but longer. Milva and Cahir are preparing the fire, I'll make you a potion for the pain." The bard nodded.

The two younger members knew what to do. So they rushed to build a rustic fireplace. Jaskier looked at them past the old man shoulder. He seemed quite focus. He waited for Geralt to be back with the horses, a little bit further, to speak.

- "I am aware I am not gonna make it." He said, hissing in pain. Regis smiled sadly.
- "Don't say that. You don't know."

Geralt had heard of course. His witcher ears were too acute to miss the whispered exchange. He clenched fist around the reins of his horse.

- "Cahir !" He called. "We saw some smoke on the road some miles away. This could be a village. I am pretty sure it has been destroyed but maybe we can find some things back there. Would you come with me ? I will need a hand."

The soldier gave the wood he had briefly collected to Milva and joined the witcher near the horses, without a second thought. It was rare Geralt asked him anything. Jaskier looked at them leaving.

- "He is angry with me..." He whispered as soon as they disappeared from his sight. "I am slowing everyone down."
- "I am sure this is a little bit more complicated than that."
- "In a way, it is. But going from A to B, not much I assure you." The bard was progressively loosing focus as the Axii effect had now totally dissipated and the pain was growing rapidly to an unacceptable level.
- "He cares for you, and..."
- "Yes he does. But still..." Gathering his fading energy, the bard looked at the old man. "He needs help, Regis. He pushes people out all the time. He will push you out when I am gone..." He was out of breath but he forced the words out nonetheless. Tears were menacing to fall. "He thinks he failed but I did. He doesn't know why but he feels it. He is angry... He will push you out..."

The sentences were coming in short blocks with a unsaid logic trapped in the laboured breaths the bard was taking in between. He began to sob heavily.

- "The fire is ready." Said discreetly Milva approaching the two men. Regis nodded. She looked at the bard quizzically.
- "What happened ? What did you do ?" Asked the vampire trying to get the veil off the out of context words of the wounded man. He clearly had something on his heart he wanted out but pieces were missing to understand the whole thing.
- "I fell in love with a rose... and like every rose... it had thorns."

The bard turned his head toward the forest, to put some virtual distance between him and his companions. The conjunction of the fully awaken pain and the ragged sobs shaking his poor frame sent him back into oblivion quicker than anticipated. Leaving the others with more questions.

###

Cahir knew that Geralt usually didn't want him by his side. The nilfgaardian, as he was too often called, that was the constant reminder that Ciri was in the enemies hands. But he was determined to prove his loyalty by any means. They were riding at a fast pace. The village was further than they remembered and they were losing a precious time. The bard's life was holding on a thread. He was sure he would not make it, but if Geralt wanted to try something he would help gladly.

They slowed down. There was something burning afar. Cahir recognised Nilfgaard trademark. He knew what they would find there. The village in fire. Bodies everywhere. He wasn't sure they would find anything useful. Geralt didn't stop. He followed, in silence. Inside, guilt was bubbling.

###

Radovid wanted to get out of this memory dream right away but he couldn't wake up no matter how hurt he was. He was sure that was because of the dream traveller herself, trapping him in there somehow. So he did his best to contain his tears. Jaskier believed their romance was a mistake and that hurt. Very badly.

- "I fell in love with a rose and like every rose, it had thorns." He whispered back, his heart breaking a little bit more.
- "This is not you that he blames but himself." The cloaked woman said.

He wanted to protest and tell that for him things were pretty clear but everything faded around the wounded bard progressively, leaving them into the void. The bloodied bandages disappeared. The wounds under too. Things faded back together but it was another place. The shed. He gasped. If the pain was what made him want to leave before, it was now the shame.

The intimate memory of their night was playing in front them, and emotions - not his - were reverberating in every fibre of his body. He was suddenly overwhelmed by guilt, love and strangely despair. This felt wrong, like a justification of some sort, to answer the pain in his heart. As if what the dream traveller said was the truth.

- "Are you showing me this ?" He asked almost angry.
- "No, he is. He is not aware of it though. He tries to figure things out by himself too."

Experiencing their night together with some insights of Jaskier's perspective was disturbing but also strangely rewarding. The bard knew he was doing the wrong thing but he was desperate and he tried to have faith in him. Radovid's heart broke a second time when the feelings gave him the bard's truthfulness.

Jaskier knew he was gonna try to get to Cirilla and thought that because he had seen under his mask he was understood the same way he understood him. But he couldn't read the real depth of his attachment to the destined child. The bard had fell in love with someone he had yet to become. Probably the best part of him he saw that night but he was too afraid to be that man... at the time.

- "I feared for my life. And all I wanted was you by my side..." He muttered to the man kissing him - or the memories of him - with passion. "These were not thorns but daggers... I am so sorry."

Things were becoming more and more intimate in front of him.

- "Why do you look away ?" The cloaked woman asked as he turned his head.
- "What ?... You ! Don't look that..." He told her vehemently.
- "I am not talking about the flesh."
- "Whatever." Said Radovid confused. "This is our history. These are his feelings. We shouldn't watch. You brought me here, doing your strange time dream bending magic, in order to help him survive. Fine. But this is wrong. We are not here to explore his intimacy. I certainly don't want to do it this way."
- "I don't control the way. And why do you think you cannot help here ?" Radovid frowned. "Putting your hands on his bleeding wounds is a thing. But here, he is bleeding out from a different kind of wound. In his heart. In his soul."

Everything faded again, cutting short their discussion. A dark room in what seemed a castle built itself around them. There was baby crying in cradle. Just the time for them to understand what they were seeing and it shifted again. It was the same room during the day. A little boy was sitting on a bed, his head on his knees, looking blindly at the window. He had the most blue eyes.

- "Jaskier ?"

Radovid approached. Loneliness. Sadness. Those feelings were overwhelming. The little boy smiled discreetly and around him everything changed. It was like the colours were brighter. Soon there were plants growing everywhere. Flowers. So many flowers. The walls disappeared. Trees grew. He heard birds and then saw them. Colourful birds flying from branches to branches. He was in an impossible forest. Those children can draw with pastels.

- "This is not real." Gasped Radovid, beginning to understand they were maybe in an even more intimate memory of Jaskier. "This is his child inner world."

There was a scream outside the room. Fear. Anger. Everything went dark suddenly. He saw the little boy shudder and hid his face in his hands.

The world changed again. They were outside, on a mountain. The child was now crying in front of an older version of Jaskier, but very different from now. He had shorter hair and was clean shaved. He was wearing a red outfit seemingly covered in scales. The adult version of the bard was stoic but Radovid could feel an atrocious feeling of emptiness.

- "You knew it would happen some day." Said the adult to the child. "You don't deserve to be loved. Even that way. Love will kill you."

The child screamed and vanished. His cry echoed in the void. Radovid's heart twisted painfully. He moved forward, attracted like a butterfly by light to he man he loved. The dream traveller was right. Jaskier was bleeding from other wounds, hidden deep inside of him. Wounds he never could imagine they were here. He landed a trembling hand on his chest. The scales vibrated and the world exploded in a thousands of red rose petals, falling back slowly like a red snow.

Behind this curtain of petals descending, things changed indistinguishably. Until he recognized some shape. Radovid stepped forward and from one reality to another everything shifted. Feelings went quiet. It felt more distant. He was in his garden, in Tretogor. Jaskier was sitting on the bench, near the roses parterre. The one he liked to sit on. The bard was like the ghost of himself. He was naked, his body badly scarred. His skin was extremely pale and he had lost a lot of weight. Bones were slightly pointing.

- "Where I am ?" He asked with a raspy but steady voice. "I don't know this place."

Radovid sat next to him, trying to contain his emotion. Seeing him like this was painful. He got that it was the present Jaskier he was seeing there. The one that reached his limits and was dying, hundreds of miles away. Also this was the first time, something concrete happened somewhere out of the bard's memories. He was sure they were in his now.

- "This is the garden of my castle." He said softly. Jaskier nodded, accepting this explanation.
- "Why am I in your garden though ?"
- "I don't know but I am glad we can speak." He tried.
- "Hmm do we ?" The bard turned his head in his direction and their eyes met. They had lost their brightness and were circled by shadows. "At least this is a nice change of setting. I usually have terrible nightmares and flashbacks." He smiled. "I guess I am still running that hellish fever but it's nice to see you."
- "You don't believe I am reel ?"
- "No." His smile grew larger, but this was a false one. "I believe I am sick and trying to assess unresolved issues before it's too late. This is not the first time I dream of people I love to find an answer to my inner struggles. This time though, there is only one conclusion. The kind of that nobody wants to hear." His eyes were tearing up. He looked away and sighed. "I already know how much I failed. I didn't know I could be that cruel to myself though. I really don't need a reminder, even in the most pretty... finery."

Radovid looked at himself. He was wearing his royal outfit. The deep sadness of the bard was overwhelming and confusing. He kind of understood that the bard still loved him, but the regrets and the pain this love was causing him were baffling.

- "Is that all I inspire you ? Failure ? Pain ?" He said looking back at the bard. Those words were hard to pull out.
- "No. You inspire me many things. Many beautiful things. But the consequences are too big. After many years, I had finally found my place. I had the family my heart was longing for and because I am too weak to get over love, Ciri is gone, Geralt is desperate and Yennefer is trapped in a political hell. I just had to go back in the house and do what I was told. I would have heard my pocket sized princess wake up and prevent so many things... It doesn't mean I can't love you. This is me I hate..."

Radovid cried silently. In the corner of his eye, he saw the cloaked lady move behind a tree but he didn't care that she was there anymore. He leaned slowly forward decided to put his arms around the weak frame of his lover. Jaskier instinctively cupped himself in his arms, almost curling himself into a ball. The sensation was incredible. He could feel him like he was really there. He hoped it was the same for him. He put his head on his neck and pressed himself against his side. For a few heartbeats everything was perfect. But then Jaskier just imploded like a bubble and he was left in the void.

- "Is he.." Radovid asked, feeling the emptiness like a cold dagger in his heart.
- "No. He is drifting again." Said the dream traveller in his back.

Radovid woke up but kept his eyes closed. Tears were running down his face, wetting his cheeks, ears and pillow underneath. He tried to keep most of the dream close to his mind while he was progressively regaining consciousness. Like precious memories he didn't want to loose. This was his second night without the dreamless potion. His second journey in Jaskier's past and mind he chose to do. This time it was painful in some many levels but counter-intuitively very rewarding in the same time. This ordeal, as terrible as it was, was bringing them back together and was satisfying this impossible need of being reunited with the man he loved, since he was chained to the crown on his head.

Radovid finally opened his eyes. His room was still in the dark. He felt empty. That room was a cage and he didn't want to see it. He remembered the young Jaskier and his colourful inner world. He smiled sadly. They were so alike in certain ways. He just wished he had the same imagination to make the walls disappear.

- "Are you still there ?" He asked to the shadows.
- "Yes..."

Something he couldn't see moved in his room, making the shadows stir in a counter-intuitive way. This was creepy but he knew that was the dream traveller in whatever form she had in the real world, and was not afraid. Not anymore.

- "I want to go back." He whispered.
- "Then sleep, Red Rose. We'll travel together."

Radovid closed his eyes and when he finally fell back into the realm of dreams, he plunged into new memories that didn't belong to him.

###

Milva helped Regis making the unconscious bard drink the potions he prepared and some simple water.

- "Without a healer, he won't make it, this is just a matter of days, you are aware of that."
- "Yes. I am. And he is too. He just tried to make amend of something."
- "Then what are we doing here ?" She sat next to the wounded man.
- "Are you suggesting that because he is dying, we should shorten his life ?"
- "What !? No !" She was clearly shocked. "I just think we are in the wrong place. Geralt avoids civilization to run south under the radar. But his friend won't make it if we continue. Does he want him to die this way ?"
- "No. But he tries to conciliate two things that cannot work together. Finding Cirilla and saving Jaskier. And I bet that one is this only one to really understand his struggle."
- "You do too apparently."
- "Well... I understand the basics. There is something more. Something buried deep in them. They are driven by very deep wounds of the past and a long shared history that we don't know about. Jaskier knows better. Not me. I am just getting the vibe on the surface. They don't tell much."

Milva laughed dryly.

- "The funny thing is that he never stopped talking, telling things here and there, and yet he said nothing. One is a tomb and the other looks like a brainless parrot most of the time. Colourful and noisy."
- "Jaskier is more intelligent than he seems. He often plays the idiot to fool people, so they don't dig too much. He hides as much as Geralt does. But he doesn't wear the same masks. Geralt is easier to read but very recalcitrant. Jaskier is the opposite."
- "This is the weirdest friendship I ever seen."

Regis smiled.

- "There are an interesting pair." He said cleaning the bowls they used to make the bard drink and make the potions. "You know the plants and herbs, don't you ?" The vampire asked suddenly.
- "Yeah. Why ?"
- "I would need more. He is consuming a lot of my medicinal supplies. Can you find me more if I give you the list ?"
- "Sure." She smiled sadly.

###

Geralt and Cahir came back several hours later with an unexpected good surprise : a cart and a lot of supplies. The witcher's second horse was tracting it. And it seems more adapted in this task.

- "The raid was recent. There was still a lot of usable stuff and some food." Said the young soldier, giving Milva a package full of vegetables. "We are going to eat well tonight." She smiled.

Geralt approached the vampire who was drying some herbs in front to the fire. He put a bag with what looked like pieces of sheets in it.

- "This is not the best, but it will have to do for the bandages." He said. The old man acknowledged in silence. "How is he ?" He asked, looking briefly at Jaskier.
- "As good as he can be. He is drifting in and out. And he begins to hallucinate, I think. I am not sure if it is just the pain or the exhaustion, or some infection nursing. He had some incoherent words when you left. Do you know anything about a red rose, by any chance ?"
- "No. Why ?"
- "He mentioned falling in love with one and that you were angry with him, as if the two were connected." Geralt sighed.
- "I am not really angry. I am more afraid." He sat next to the vampire. "I need to find Ciri, but..." He looked at the bard.
- "You think you are gonna loose them both." Completed the old man. The witcher nodded. "You need to make some choices, Geralt."
- "The easiest one would be to go and leave him to you. I would travel faster alone."

Regis shuddered slightly. "He would push you out."

- "But ?" He tried.
- "I don't know... He is my friend. If that's an explanation in itself ?"
- "I guess it is." The old man smiled but this was a sad smile. Jaskier already knew what was nursing in the witcher's heart. And these were maybe the last days of cohesion. "I need to redress his wounds properly. It is still bleeding too much for my liking." He said, refocusing on the most urgent matter.

###

This new dream was strange in a way. He couldn't do much. The cloaked lady didn't even try to use her powers to push him into that strange state that made him able to interact with Jaskier's past. But it was almost like the best thing in experienced in a long time.

After the old man had taken care of the bard's wounds and they had put some new clothes on him, everyone shared a moment around the fire. Radovid had just sat next to his lover who was half leaning against Geralt chest. He looked very tired and was still breathing too fast, but he seemed somehow in a better shape. It was strange to stay that close to him but far in the same time. The strong witcher figure was protective and shielding him a bit from him. But he had the wonderful feeling of being part of the group.

He listened to the long discussions. Even laughed sometimes. He learned many things, as such things about vampires when Regis told his story.

He had heard so many Jaskier's songs about the White Wolf and all of those epic tales before, but this was much more than everything he had imagined. It was a real dream for him. A beautiful one.

- " I will write all of that down as soon as I will get better." Said Jaskier with a tired smile.

The lie was blatant but everyone accepted it because they didn't want to break the moment.

- "I am sure you will." Said Geralt. He was not smiling, but he was soft. "Now, just rest. You need to preserve your strength."

He moved slowly and, with the help of Cahir, put the bard in a lying position. Then everyone found they natural place. The young soldier was the first on to take the night watch. And everything vanished as Jaskier fell into sleep and the memory ended.

Back in the void with the cloaked lady, Radovid felt sad.

- "I wish it never stopped. I wish I was with him for real. I wish I was the one holding him in my arms." He said. He sighed and continued after a long silence. "What do we do now ?"
- "The sun is rising and you're gonna be soon awake. We must wait till your next long sleep and hope for the best."

Radovid opened his eyes. The light of the rising sun was colouring his room in thin golden rays where the curtains didn't close well. The claws of anxiety were progressively caging his heart as he was remembering the last thing the dream traveller said to him. What if he didn't find Jaskier tonight. He felt the bite of guilt in his flesh. A week of dreamless potion. He could have probably done so much more during those days he was just driven by fear. As he could have been a better person in the shed. He did the same mistakes after all and Jaskier paid the price twice already.

He sat up, and put his head in his hands.

- "Am I yet the person you saw in me ?" He whimpered.

Well that was a hard chapter to pull together. I edited it a lot. It has very personal things inside that I had to find other ways to tell. It didn't feel right the way I did in my drafts when I reread it. I also put some Cahir and Milva because I realised that they are not very fleshed out in this story.

See you soon ❤️