It was a lovely day to go hunt down the people responsible for laying waste to Jinlintai. Birds sang happily in the trees and the air was pleasantly warm, not stifling like it often was in Yunmeng.
Luo Qingyang and Yu Qingqi giggled near the back of the group. They were training… sort of. Any time Yu Qingqi fumbled on an incantation, Luo Qingyang would make a joke to keep her from getting too frustrated.
Jin Ling found himself wishing that Jiang Cheng had been so kind during his training.
Things were better now between himself and Jingyi. After Jin Ling had pretended like he didn't remember what had happened between them, they were back to their usual banter.
"Are you two looking for clues at all?" Sizhui asked them when Jingyi punched Jin Ling's shoulder for something rude he'd said.
"It's not my fault that Jin Ling is distracting me."
"Boys, please," Luo Qingyang called from the back.
Jin Ling swiveled around to look at her. He regretted it when Yu Qingqi gave him a quick wink right as Jingyi was turning to look too.
"I don't expect we'll be finding anything yet," Jin Ling said, turning back to Sizhui and ignoring Yu Qingqi as she and her wife cackled loudly. "The letter said that they were based in the outskirts of the southeastern towns. We haven't gone that far yet."
"That doesn't mean we won't find anything before we get there," Jingyi said.
Jin Ling squared his shoulders and scowled.
"Don't," Sizhui warned.
"Tch."
As much as he wanted to bite back at Jingyi, Jin Ling held his tongue. He was supposed to be a leader. He needed to act like one.
He changed his posture again, straightening his back and neck. He didn't miss the look exchanged between Sizhui and Jingyi, but he elected to ignore it.
If they could finish this quickly, they could return to the Xue Yang group. He hoped everyone was all right. He especially hoped that Jiang Cheng's jade talisman was holding up. If it was, it should be a simple task to dispatch Xue Yang and resume their lives.
Would Sizhui go back to Wen Ning? Would Jingyi return to the Cloud Recesses?
He knew he'd missed them before. But as he thought about what would come after all of this was said and done, he realized he wasn't ready to say goodbye again. He was even reluctant to part ways with Wei Wuxian, ability to link or not.
Crack!
A storm gate opened in front of the three of them. As had become habit, they crouched low and covered their faces while everyone else in the Jin convoy proceeded to panic.
The gate was only open for a few seconds before a figure in tattered clothing stepped through. It closed promptly behind him.
"Ghost General?" Jin Ling said, perplexed.
He continued to ignore the people around him asking what had happened and how it was that a fierce corpse had just materialized in front of them.
Wen Ning bowed to him. "Jin-gongzi," he said.
"Sect Leader Jin," Jin Ling corrected him.
Wen Ning inclined his head apologetically. "Sect Leader."
"What are you doing here?" Sizhui asked him. "Has something happened?"
Wen Ning nodded. "Sect Leader Nie and Wei Wuxian believe that you three are walking into a trap designed to capture Wei Wuxian."
"Great," Jin Ling mumbled, crossing his arms. "That means that any minute now, my uncle is going to jump through one of those portals too, isn't he? Why didn't he spare us the extra dramatic entrance and come through with you?"
Wen Ning shook his head. "Sect Leader Jiang has agreed to remain on the Xue Yang mission so long as you permit me to accompany you."
A babysitter. He'd sent a babysitter. That was just lovely.
"We're happy to have you," Sizhui said warmly. "Is everyone else all right?"
Wen Ning gave a stiff smile. "Everyone is well. They're worried about you three."
"They can continue to worry," Jin Ling said sourly. "Go back to them."
"Jin Ling!" Sizhui cried. "He's only trying to help!"
"I cannot go back, Sect Leader."
"Why not?" Jin Ling asked him, tapping his foot impatiently.
"I can't create gates," Wen Ning explained.
"That's fine. I'll make one for you."
Jin Ling pulled his pack from his shoulders and started to rummage around for a brush. Jingyi came over and nudged him gently with his elbow, making Jin Ling's breath catch in his throat.
"What?" he snapped at him.
"You'd rather have the Ghost General's company than your uncle's, right?" Jingyi said, speaking quietly out of the side of his mouth. "Maybe you should let him stay?"
He had a point. Jiang Cheng would be fussing nonstop. But Wen Ning was barely noticeable unless he was needed.
Jin Ling stared hard at him. Wen Ning glanced between him and Sizhui, as if asking his family for help.
"All right," Jin Ling said at last. He was sure Wen Ning would have sighed with relief if he'd had any breath left in him. "You'll stay."
"Thank you, Sect Leader," Wen Ning said. "I'll be out of your way. It's probably best that Xue Yang doesn't see me here with you anyhow."
"Not sure you'll get away with that," Jingyi said, pointing around at the still frightened disciples. "You've already made a scene."
Wen Ning pressed his lips together. "We can hope Xue Yang wasn't paying attention to that?"
Sizhui and Jingyi laughed. Jin Ling did not.
"Good. Keep a low profile," Jin Ling said. "That's a good idea."
Wen Ning inclined his head.
Before he headed off to do as he'd been asked, he put a hand on Sizhui's shoulder briefly. They wouldn't dare to hug in front of so many others. Wen Ning had been adamant about drawing no suspicion at all to Sizhui.
So, they parted ways. Sizhui looked deeply saddened, but there was nothing Jin Ling could say to him to try to make him feel better. Not with everyone around.
He shouldered his bag again and clapped Sizhui on the back to pull him out of whatever melancholy thoughts had taken hold.
It seemed to work. Sizhui looked up at him and even managed a weak smile.
"Nothing to worry about, everyone!" Jingyi announced as Wen Ning ambled off. "Wei Wuxian is experimenting with things again. Pay no mind!"
Disgruntled whispers spread among the disciples. A few tried to ask again what the portal was, but Jin Ling cut them off shortly, telling them to get back to work looking for evidence of their target.
"Sect Leader!" cried one of the Jin scouts that they had sent ahead of the group.
"Yes?" Jin Ling responded, turning to him.
The man trotted over, gave a quick bow, and then began to pull several talismans from a pouch at his belt. They were all written with blood and were clearly used for demonic cultivation, even if Jin Ling wasn't entirely sure what each one did.
"Where did you find these?" he asked, taking them from his disciple and handing them to Luo Qingyang as she approached.
"Nailed to the trees," the Jin disciple said, jabbing his thumb back over his shoulder. "I think they've set up a perimeter around their base. We may be getting close."
As was to be expected, Jingyi's 'I told you so' voice drifted into the conversation.
"Thought you said we wouldn't be finding anything yet," he said with a little smirk that made Jin Ling's heart skip a beat even as he scowled at him.
"Given the details of the letter, this is too early to find anything," Sizhui said thoughtfully before Jin Ling could start an argument.
Luo Qingyang shrugged. "Not necessarily," she said. "If they're a small band of cultivators, they may move around a lot. That's what I would do if I didn't want to get caught."
Jin Ling looked up at the sky. They still had a lot of light, but it was late afternoon and there was no telling how long it would take to destroy the entire gang. He assumed, perhaps wrongly so, that people as conniving as these would have the advantage after nightfall.
"I don't want to engage them in the dark," Jin Ling said. "And we aren't sure what we're up against yet nor do we have a strategy in place."
"Would you like me and another scout to go further and tell you what we find?" asked the Jin disciple.
"Yes," Jin Ling said. "The rest of us should work on setting up camp with a tentative plan to attack in the morning depending on what you report to us."
The disciple bowed to Jin Ling first and then the others before running off. Luo Qingyang also bowed to Jin Ling.
"Well done, Sect Leader," she murmured with an encouraging smile.
Jin Ling stood a little straighter still and puffed his chest.
"All right there," Jingyi said loudly, "you gave some orders. You didn't save the world. Stop acting so full of yourself."
Jin Ling glowered at him and then cast furtive glances at the nearby cultivators. Luo Qingyang had of course heard Jingyi's comment, but she didn't laugh. Everyone else close by either didn't hear, didn't care, or pretended to be none the wiser.
"Stop that, Jingyi," Sizhui scolded. He then turned to Jin Ling with a pleasant smile and said, "I think you're doing a great job."
Rather than making Jin Ling feel better, his words had the opposite effect. He was even more embarrassed than before.
"Thank you," he said gruffly.
"I hope you don't-"
"Let's get to work, all right?" Jin Ling said, cutting Sizhui off from finishing whatever it was he'd been about to say.
"Sure. Right."
Jin Ling felt bad about interrupting him, but he also wanted to move on from the uncomfortable situation as quickly as possible.
Just as intended, they were soon back to joking around as they helped the other disciples set up camp.
Sizhui was even jesting with them, which was a rarity. He was far too proper for his own good. They'd told him on many occasions that old age was the time to be stuffy and boring, but he never seemed to listen. Maybe they were getting through to him at last.
But of course, all good things would come to an end, and it wasn't long before Jin Ling was thrust into another uncomfortable situation.
Jingyi tapped him on the shoulder as he stooped to help pick up a fallen tent post. Jin Ling, annoyed, turned to him with eyebrows raised expectantly.
"I wondered if I could speak with you?" Jingyi said in an uncharacteristically meek voice.
"Isn't that what you're doing now?"
Jingyi sighed. "Privately?"
Jin Ling's blood ran cold. This couldn't be good.
"Uh, what is this about?" he asked, hoping to dissuade him from pursuing the conversation further by asking too many questions.
Sizhui continued to work nearby, but his movements were minutely slower. He was listening to them.
Jingyi seemed to notice this too. He fidgeted in place.
"It's about something private," he said in irritation. "That's why I asked to speak privately."
There was no getting out of it.
"Fine," Jin Ling said, trying to sound as clueless as possible whilst simultaneously praying to the heavens that this had nothing to do with their fated afternoon. "Lead the way."
He followed Jingyi through the small encampment, marveling at how quickly their team had managed to set everything up. He hoped the scouts would return soon so they could start planning for tomorrow. The sooner the better, especially if they could interrupt whatever conversation he and Jingyi were about to have.
"How far are we going?" Jin Ling asked as they continued to move away from the others and closer to the forest where all the demonic talismans had been found. "I don't think it's safe to move out of sight from everyone else."
Jingyi stopped in his tracks and spun around. The look of determination on his face did not bode well. Jin Ling's hands began to sweat.
"I have to tell you something that happened the day we were drinking," Jingyi said.
How he managed to maintain eye contact, Jin Ling didn't know. He knew for sure that if their places were swapped, he couldn't have done the same.
"It's been weighing on me," Jingyi went on, "and I think it's better that I be honest about it."
Please don't, Jin Ling begged internally. Everything is fine the way it is. Why can't you leave things as they are?
"Do you remember how we dared each other to do things?"
No! Please stop! Don't do this!
"Yes," Jin Ling said, fighting to be calm.
"Well there was one dare that I don't think you remember," Jingyi said.
Can't you feel how red your face is?! You don't want to do this! So don't do this!
"Really it was my fault that it happened," Jingyi murmured, rubbing the back of his neck. "If I hadn't dared you to do it, everything would have been fine. But I dared you and now I don't know what to do and I feel terrible because we shouldn't have but we did and I don't know how anyone else will react and I don't want things to change but I-"
"Stop."
Jingyi's rambling mouth snapped shut.
"Just stop," Jin Ling said, defeated. "I do remember. I only pretended like I didn't."
"Oh."
Jingyi somehow managed to turn an even deeper shade of red. "Why did you pretend?" he asked.
Jin Ling threw his hands up in the air. "Because we were drunk!" he said. "It didn't mean anything! We were being stupid! I didn't want everything to be weird!"
"Oh," Jingyi said. "Yeah it didn't mean anything to me either. I'm glad you feel the same way."
His words were like knives in his chest. Jin Ling crossed his arms and covertly pinched his skin just to feel something else.
"Was that all you wanted?" Jin Ling asked coolly.
Jingyi nodded.
"So we can go back to acting like it never happened?"
"Why not?" Jingyi said with a half-laugh. "It was just part of a stupid game like you said. No reason to embarrass ourselves in front of Sizhui or anything!"
Jin Ling knew he was supposed to laugh it off, but he couldn't. He'd done what had to be done.
"Great," Jin Ling said, falsely cheery. "Let's head back."
They walked along, returning to the encampment. Jin Ling didn't know if he was imagining it or not, but there seemed to be a weight to the air between them now.
They had cleared up what had happened. Why did it feel like this? Why wasn't Jingyi chattering away like he normally would? Had he been able to tell that Jin Ling was hurt by what was said? Were things even weirder now?
Jin Ling's mind raced a mile a minute.
Jin disciples greeted him as he and Jingyi headed back toward where they'd left Sizhui. He hardly heard any of them. His responses were awkwardly delayed.
"Are you…?" Jingyi trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck again. "Well, are you all right?"
Jin Ling flashed his teeth in what might have looked more like a grimace than a smile.
"I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"You seem distracted."
"No I…"
A giggle drew his attention.
Luo Qingyang and Yu Qingqi were building a fire together. The former had tripped and scattered twigs everywhere while the latter laughed at her and pulled her to her feet. Yu Qingqi checked her wife over for any injuries and then said something too quietly for Jin Ling to hear.
The next moment, Luo Qingyang swept Yu Qingqi off her feet and tried with all her might to lift her up over her head. Yu Qingqi laughed while encouraging her.
"Jin Ling?"
He looked away right as Yu Qingqi began to teeter dangerously in Luo Qingyang's arms.
"Is it your uncle?" Jingyi asked him.
"What?" Jin Ling replied, perplexed. Yu Qingqi fell to the ground with a loud thud.
Jingyi made a vague gesture to indicate that his guess had been mostly random in nature.
"I don't know," Jingyi said. "I just remember that you mentioned you weren't sure whether or not the jade talismans were actually working."
Jin Ling was surprised. He'd said that only once on their trip. And it wasn't because he was concerned about Jiang Cheng.
He had been concerned for his uncle lately, but this time was the exception. He'd commented on the talismans simply because he'd been reminded of its presence when he'd jumped down from a rocky shelf and it had thumped against his ribs.
Jingyi remembered such an offhanded comment?
"Yes, I suppose that's what I'm thinking about," he lied, not wanting to answer any more questions.
"He'll be okay," Jingyi assured him. "He's with Zewu-jun and Hanguang-jun. They're the best of the best."
"Yeah, don't let him hear you say that," Jin Ling grumbled.
"What?"
"Nothing."
They found Sizhui sitting alone at the edge of camp, tuning the strings of his guqin. He smiled at them as they approached.
"I think we'll be having dinner soon," he said.
Jin Ling exhaled as he took a seat beside him, thankful that he hadn't asked what Jingyi had pulled him aside to talk about. Then again, that would be quite un-Lan-like to pry into private affairs.
Sometimes it paid to have Lan friends.
"Great, I'm starving!" Jingyi exclaimed, taking the other seat beside Sizhui.
Jingyi reached over and started to pluck the guqin strings while Sizhui was trying to tune it. Jin Ling told him off for it at first, but then proceeded to do the same. Sizhui merely shook his head, forced to give up his tuning since the two of them were being insufferable.
"Why don't you give this to me?" Jin Ling said. "I bet I could learn to play it."
"Bet you can't," Jingyi retorted.
Jin Ling's heart fluttered. He heard his voice in his head again, the same way he'd replayed it a thousand times.
I bet you won't.
"Watch me," Jin Ling said as he wrenched the guqin from Sizhui's lap.
Jingyi's mouth twitched – a movement so small that Jin Ling wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't been watching so carefully.
"Put your hands like this," Sizhui said in a pleasant tone. He didn't seem angry at all that Jin Ling had stolen his instrument.
His cool fingers guided Jin Ling's to the proper position. Jin Ling startled at his touch.
"My apologies," Sizhui said quickly. He withdrew his hands and folded them primly on his lap.
"Well what does he expect?" Jingyi asked with a laugh. "Does he plan to teach himself?"
"I could teach myself!" Jin Ling insisted.
"Let's see it then!"
Jin Ling positioned the guqin more securely on his lap. He didn't have the first clue about how to play a proper note or exactly what form was to be used when playing, but that didn't matter.
He brought his hand back, winding up to strum. He saw Sizhui's eyes grow wide and had to stifle a laugh.
"Prepare yourself," Jin Ling said as seriously as he could.
He slammed his fingers down on random spots on the neck of the instrument and strummed with unnecessary force.
The air was filled with loud, discordant notes that sent Jingyi howling with laughter and caused Sizhui to wince and half-cover his ears.
"That was awful!" Jingyi cried.
Jin Ling folded his arms. "We'll let Sizhui be the judge of that. He's the expert isn't he?"
Sizhui blanched. He looked at Jin Ling and then away again, clearly struggling to find a way to be honest without being rude. All the while Jin Ling did his best to seem as confident as possible.
"So?" he prompted. "How did I do?"
Poor Sizhui hemmed and hawed, withering gradually as Jin Ling leaned in closer as if hanging on his every word.
"Well it wasn't the worst I've seen," Sizhui said quietly. "I think you've got potential. You'll just need a little more practice."
Jingyi laughed harder.
"That sounds like you're saying I'm not very good."
"No!" Sizhui exclaimed. "I mean, you haven't had a lot of practice, but I'm not saying you're bad!"
"Stop it, Jin Ling," Jingyi sobbed. "He can't take this kind of pressure."
Jin Ling smirked. Sizhui's mouth fell open a little. Then he scowled for a second before reverting to his usual calm self.
"You're usually so serious," he said. "I don't think I've heard you joke like that before."
"I make jokes!" Jin Ling whined.
"Yes, but not usually at your own expense," Sizhui replied, his tone warm. "It's nice."
His remark annoyed him. Jin Ling huffed and made an offhanded comment, but Sizhui just shook his head and Jingyi told Jin Ling off for his rudeness.
Even though he hadn't intended to actually learn the guqin – he had only wanted to annoy Jingyi – Sizhui took it upon himself to start giving him a lesson. He even explained a little about how he could use the instrument to communicate with spirits. It was surprisingly interesting but also incredibly difficult to follow.
"I'm nowhere near as good as Hanguang-jun," Sizhui lamented. "I still have trouble with inquiry sometimes, but I think I'm getting better."
"It seems difficult," Jin Ling said, still feeling dazed by all the information.
"But we can stick to just music if you'd prefer."
"Sure."
The lesson continued. Jingyi seemed to pick up a few things from Sizhui too. Before the end, Jin Ling had learned two basic songs. He found that he liked playing the guqin more than he would have expected, though he wasn't sure he would pursue the skill further. Music wasn't really a warrior's skill… unless of course it was used in battle, but Sizhui wasn't teaching him how to do that.
The other Jin disciples called them over for dinner as darkness settled over their camp and just as Jin Ling was considering asking Sizhui to teach him one more song. They got in line behind everyone else, still goofing off and teasing one another.
When the Jin disciples tried to serve Jin Ling his meal first, he shooed them away and ordered them to serve down the line like they normally would. The disciples seemed uneasy about this for some reason, but they did as they were told.
"Seriously?!" Jingyi cried, his shoulders drooping as he watched the men walk away. "Can't you use your title to benefit us every once in a while? I'm starving!"
Jin Ling put his hands on his hips. "Why don't you earn a title yourself? Then you can push people around however you want."
Jingyi opened his mouth as if ready to quip back, but he just pushed him playfully instead. Jin Ling was confused. Jingyi wasn't one to hold back often.
However, if he'd decided it shouldn't be said, then it really shouldn't be said.
"Jin Ling?"
A hand touched his shoulder. At the same time, the metal soup ladle clanged loudly against the rim of the pot.
Without thinking, Jin Ling wrenched Suihua from its sheath. Sizhui and Jingyi both jumped away from him. Someone else brandished their own sword to block Jin Ling's, stopping him from accidentally striking anyone.
"Careful there, Sect Leader," Luo Qingyang growled.
Jin Ling lowered his weapon a little. Luo Qingyang sheathed hers, apparently satisfied that he wasn't going to do anything else stupid.
"I was going to see if I could talk with you about our scouts' findings," she said, watching him closely. "But perhaps I should wait until you've eaten? Are you all right?"
Jin Ling's mouth was dry. The evening breeze was cold against the sweat that beaded on his brow. He couldn't smell the pork soup anymore. His nostrils were filled with the smell of smoke.
"I'm fine," Jin Ling assured her. "Why did the scouts not report to me?"
"I intercepted them and told them not to bother you yet," Luo Qingyang said, still studying Jin Ling intensely.
"Are you feeling sick?" Jingyi asked him.
"Jin Ling, please put the sword away," Sizhui said quietly.
"Right. Sorry."
He sheathed Suihua and took a deep breath, hoping the awful stench of battle would leave him. Surprisingly, it did. He felt himself rapidly returning to normal.
"I'm fine," he said to Jingyi.
He then turned to Luo Qingyang. "I'm free to talk now," he said. "Lead the way."
He followed her to a plain white tent near the middle of camp. It was small, but that made sense to him, seeing as it was a space only for Luo Qingyang and her wife.
What did surprise him though was how drab the inside looked. Yu Qingqi had fine taste, quite the opposite of her Luo Qingyang. She usually didn't settle for anything less than comfortably fashionable. How Luo Qingyang had talked her into minimalist décor, Jin Ling didn't know, but he was glad for it. They would be able to move faster as a group the less baggage they had to carry and repack.
Luo Qingyang lit the lantern that hung overhead and then knelt on a black cushion that sat upon a threadbare rug in the center of the tent. She indicated for Jin Ling to take the cushion opposite her.
"It took a lot to get Qingqing to come with me," Luo Qingyang said, watching Jin Ling as he approached. "But when I told her we could get something fluffy for Mianmian when we got back, I was able to convince her of anything."
Jin Ling smirked. "What are you going to get her?"
"I don't know," Luo Qingyang said with a shrug. "I know you would suggest a dog, right?"
"Not just any dog," Jin Ling said pompously. "Fairy is better than some mangy street hound."
"Well I can't give your dog to my daughter."
"No, but I could help you pick out a good one!"
Luo Qingyang laughed. "I would like that very much."
Her gaze grew intense. Jin Ling fiddled with his hair and smoothed his clothing, doing anything that would allow him to look down at the ground without seeming too strange.
"Jin Ling, what happened back there in the serving line?"
He stopped his fussing and switched to stammering excuses instead.
"Oh that was nothing! I thought I saw something, but it was just a trick of the light. Stupid lanterns and firelight, always throwing weird shadows!"
Luo Qingyang knit her brow. "How have you been sleeping?"
Jin Ling's eyes flicked to the tent entrance. "I thought you wanted to plan for tomorrow," he said sullenly.
"I do," she replied. "I didn't say that was the only thing I wanted to discuss."
Jin Ling crossed his arms but couldn't bring himself to look at her.
"How many nightmares have you had since the battle?"
A spluttering, gurgling noise sounded in his head. Dead eyes stared up at him. His hands were warm and slick with blood.
"I don't know."
"Are you drawing your sword or reacting violently a lot?"
Jin Ling frowned. "And if I am, what's to be done about it? I'm sure It'll go away eventually."
Luo Qingyang gazed at him sadly. "It doesn't always."
"You've got a cure then? Why are we talking about this? Can't we discuss something else?"
She bowed her head. Her glossy brown hair caught the lamp light like the flash of a blade. Jin Ling was feeling uneasy again.
"We can talk about something else," she said. "Let's discuss the plan for tomorrow."
Tension had been building in Jin Ling's gut, but it relaxed instantly at her words.
They spent the next several minutes pouring over the crudely drawn map the scouts had provided to them. There were many warding spells present around the gang's hideout, but both Luo Qingyang and Jin Ling felt confident that with enough patience and skill, they would be able to remove them and infiltrate the enemy camp with little issue. The gang itself had about twenty people – a fact that greatly annoyed Jin Ling until Luo Qingyang pointed out that many of them probably died in Jinlintai.
The idea that it only took twenty people to rile up other clans and initiate a war would have been a disturbing one. But then again, Xue Yang was ultimately the perpetrator behind all of it and he was only one person.
When they'd come to a general consensus on what was to happen in the morning, Jin Ling bowed to Luo Qingyang and made to stand up.
"Not so fast," she said, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him back down to the ground. "We have one other matter to discuss."
Oh please not-
"Have you talked to that Lan boy again?"
Damn it.
Jin Ling folded his arms. "We've talked plenty. Have you been using your ears at all?"
Luo Qingyang rolled her eyes. "I mean have the two of you discussed what happened?"
"That's none of your business."
"True," she said evenly. "But will you not tell me?"
He thought about saying outright that he wouldn't be sharing that information with her. But as Jin Ling considered his options, he knew that denying her would only keep her from pestering him for a time.
"I'll tell you," he said, "for a price."
Luo Qingyang grinned. "Name it."
"You and Yu Qingqi have to stop smiling and winking and laughing every time you see me and Jingyi together."
"I haven't," she said. "Qingqing was the one who winked at you."
"And you laughed," Jin Ling said.
Luo Qingyang thought on it for a time. "I think it would be better if I agree not to instigate the teasing. Banning Qingqing from it might make her suspicious of you."
"Fine."
Jin Ling had counted on having to coax her a little more than that. Now he didn't have that time to prepare himself to confess what he and Jingyi had talked about earlier.
"I'm waiting," Luo Qingyang prompted him.
Jin Ling steadied himself with a breath and then blurted out, "JinyitoldmeaboutwhathappenedbecauseIwaspretendingthatIdidn'tknowandnowItoldhimitwasjustasillythingthathappenedthatdoesn'tmeananythingandheagreedandnoweverythingisfine."
Luo Qingyang blinked a few times. "Would you mind repeating that?" she asked. "Slowly?"
Jin Ling sighed but did as she'd requested. "Jingyi told me what happened that afternoon," he said.
"Weren't you there?" Luo Qingyang asked, perplexed. "Why did he tell you what happened?"
"Because I'd been pretending that I didn't remember."
Luo Qingyang slapped her palm against her forehead. "Of course you were," she said. "Go on."
"Well," Jin Ling said, fiddling with the cuff of his sleeve. "I admitted that I remembered and-"
"Did you kiss again?!"
"What?!" Jin Ling exclaimed, tilting away from Luo Qingyang and her sudden excitement. "No! Why would we do that?!"
"Because you like him and he likes you?" she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I'm not saying it would be a good idea, but it's certainly a possibility."
"I don't think he likes me," Jin Ling said.
"Why?"
"Because he said he didn't."
Luo Qingyang laughed unexpectedly, causing Jin Ling to back away from her even further.
"He might have said that for a million reasons," she told him. "Which one is Jingyi again?"
"The loud one. Why?"
She scratched her chin, deep in thought. "I've been watching the three of you closely and-"
"That's weird."
"-and," she went on tersely, "I have trouble telling which of those boys likes you."
Jin Ling's heart sank. That was exactly the confirmation he'd needed. It was a drunken mishap for Jingyi and drunken honestly for Jin Ling. How annoying.
"What's with that face?" Luo Qingyang asked. "Are you so uninterested in the other one that you're upset by that?"
"What?"
Jin Ling now didn't understand what was going on.
At the same time, realization dawned on Luo Qingyang and she gasped.
"Oh no! That wasn't what I meant!"
"What?" Jin Ling repeated blankly.
"I meant that I have trouble telling which boy likes you because I've noticed both looking at you a lot when you aren't paying attention. I didn't mean that neither of them like you."
"…what?"
"Don't worry," she went on excitedly. "You don't have to take my word for it! Those two have patterns as reliable as the phases of the moon!"
"…"
"The quiet one always lingers on you when you've done something nice for someone else and the loud one always stares when you do something funny or smack him – speaking of," she continued in a sterner tone, "you should stop hitting that boy so much, even if he likes it. It's unbecoming of a leader."
Jin Ling's head was spinning. Jingyi had lied to him before? But he'd seemed so honest when he'd said it, not to mention relieved.
And now he was supposed to believe that Sizhui liked him too? No. It just didn't make sense.
"You're mistaken," he said.
"I am not!"
"They're my friends," Jin Ling explained. "They're probably looking at me from time to time to make sure that I'm all right. I think they've been worried about me."
Luo Qingyang's brow twitched. Her excited aura wavered for a moment… but only a moment.
"Nope!" she said brightly. "I was careful to watch for that too!"
"You're joking."
"I'm not!" she insisted. "I have never looked so lovingly or with such admiration at someone I was only concerned about. I truly don't see any other explanation for the way they look at you… both of them."
Jingyi and Sizhui? His heart rate doubled at the thought. It was hard to believe.
"Hey, what's that smirk about?" Luo Qingyang teased. "Don't let this inflate your ego too much."
"No, I…"
Just as quickly as his spirits had been lifted, a profound sorrow overtook him, one that he couldn't fully quantify or understand.
He curled his fingers, digging his nails into his palms. But despite his efforts, he could still feel the sting in his eyes.
"Are you all right?" Luo Qingyang asked when he refused to look up at her. "You're supposed to laugh. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Jin Ling whispered.
"That's obviously not true."
Jin Ling clenched his fists tighter. "It's nothing," he said.
Luo Qingyang was quiet for a while. They both sat very still. Sounds of merriment came from outside the tent. The other disciples were sharing stories.
Jin Ling wished he was there. He wanted to be anywhere but here.
"Why did you think Lan Jingyi didn't feel the same way about you?" Luo Qingyang asked.
Jin Ling dug his nails in further still. The sharp bite just wasn't enough to distract him.
"Because…" he said slowly, wondering why he was still talking to her, "…because when I told him the – um – our – what happened was an accident and didn't mean anything, he agreed."
Luo Qingyang let out a long sigh. He wished he could see her face, but he still couldn't bring himself to look up at her.
"He was going to agree with you no matter what if that's what you said," she told him. "It's easier for him to deny everything than to admit the truth when you've already lied and said that you don't feel the same way."
"I didn't lie," Jin Ling said. "It didn't mean anything because it can't mean anything. I can't be with him."
"You should have told him that instead," she said, her voice as soft and gentle as Jin Ling imagined a mother's would be. "I think you hurt him with what you said."
"It didn't seem like it."
"And you probably didn't seem upset either."
Jin Ling shook his head. "Either way, it's better to hurt him now and get it over with."
Luo Qingyang didn't answer.
Finally summoning the courage to look up, Jin Ling found Luo Qingyang regarding him solemnly. Her gaze was distant, like she was remembering something painful.
"Really I had only wanted to warn you that the other boy might like you too," she said quietly. "I dressed it up so we could laugh about it. But I see now that I made the wrong call in my delivery. I just didn't want you to hurt again. But there's no way around it.
"I've known people like you who have lived to see too few seasons," she murmured, her eyes at last coming into focus. "I don't believe that there is any easy answer for you. And I don't disagree with your ultimate decision. But I do pray that you'll do what's right with that boy. And then I pray that you meet a good girl and fall in love. I pray for your happiness, Jin Ling."
His gaze slipped back down to the tattered carpet. The red, yellow, and white patterns blurred together.
"I – um –" his voice was quiet and weak to his ears. "I don't know what to say."
"You can say goodbye," Luo Qingyang replied, rising to her feet gracefully. "I won't torture you anymore."
He gave a small laugh and rose as well. He had barely straightened his belt and smoothed his clothing before her arms were around him.
Never in a million years would Jin Ling have guessed that Luo Qingyang was such a physically affectionate person. She always presented herself as tough and powerful and just a little bit sarcastic.
So, even though she'd hugged him before, he was as surprised this time as he'd been the last. But this time, he didn't bother to fight her. He buried his face in her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her too.
"I'm sorry," she whispered in his ear. "I might be petty enough to wish this kind of hardship on your uncle but never you."
Jin Ling said nothing. He simply stood there, clinging to the only person who knew his secret like his life depended on it… and maybe, in a way, it did.
"But! I have very good taste when it comes to women," Luo Qingyang said. He could hear the smile in her voice. "If you want help finding a wife, I'm here for you."
He half-laughed and half-sobbed into her shoulder. She wrapped her arms more tightly around him.
"I'm glad I didn't turn you away when you asked for my help back then," she said. "You're a good person. I'm honored to have known you."
"You're not so bad yourself," Jin Ling mumbled.
"You little brat!"
Luo Qingyang held him away from herself in mock indignation. Jin Ling hurriedly wiped his eyes and cringed inwardly when he saw the wet spots on his advisor's robe.
"You're going to be okay," she said seriously.
"Okay."
"Good."
With that, she turned away from him and grabbed a length of cloth from a chest at the foot of her sleeping mat. She threw it around her neck, covering the splotches on her shoulder. She pulled the lovely jade necklace she'd been wearing recently out so that it rested over her clothing, on full display.
"I can go out first," Luo Qingyang said, her tone suddenly business-like. "I'll tell the others that you're still working on things in here so that they don't bother you. Come out whenever you're ready."
"Thank you."
She waved away his thanks and stepped out into the night. She started to let the tent flap fall behind her, but all of a sudden, she turned around and poked her head back inside.
"Your nightmares," she said. "You can come to me for those too… if you want to."
"Uh, right."
"I said if you want to! Goodness!"
"Right. Thank you."
"And stop it with that!" she said angrily, waving away his words again with more vigor. "You don't have to thank me for every little thing."
Jin Ling didn't know how to respond to her, so he just rolled his eyes. She rolled her eyes back at him and dropped the tent flap behind her.
Alone with his thoughts, Jin Ling tried to focus on tomorrow. They had a big day ahead of them. And then, after this, they could rejoin everyone else.
With more people around them, perhaps Jin Ling's current problem would become smaller. He could hope, at least.
When he at last emerged from the tent, he was starving.
Jingyi and Sizhui gravitated toward him almost immediately. And pretty soon, he had a full bowl of food and was listening to stories with the rest of the disciples.
The fire was warm. The night was clear. The stories they told were exciting and inspiring.
Maybe things weren't so bad.