The evening sky was an autumn grey, littered with brown leaves and blackbirds, circling and calling in the cold wind. Will looked up, through the almost bare branches of the aged oak that concealed him, watching the birds with mild interest. How they moved, so carefree. As if they were the only ones in these skies. It had been an hour, maybe more. Halt had been calling, and Gilan. They'd searched for him, looking with trained ranger's eyes. But neither had seen him, blending perfectly with the late afternoon shadows. A blur of grey in a cradle of dead leaves.
He'd let them call and watched, as they came back together and talked among themselves. They looked nonchalant, to the untrained observer. Indifferent, almost. But Will knew better. Even from his height, he could see the deep lines marring Halt's expression. The down-turned mouth. The dark in his eyes. And Gilan, barely seen without his signature smile, looked low, his eyes to the ground, his arms wrapped around himself, head shaking. The Rangers looked around one final time before Halt took Gilan by the shoulder and led him inside. The birds in the sky wheeled one final time, before heading out to the east. Towards the ocean. A painful ache started in Will's chest. He closed his eyes and leaned back, thinking about how everything had gone wrong.
x
It was a normal day. The kind of new normal they had all become accustomed to. Training beneath a dawning sun, trying to catch Will upon the year he'd lost to Skandia. It was a painful day. His injuries bothered him, and he hadn't slept well the night before, plagued instead by nightmares of his time in the yard. He'd scarcely had the stamina to rise when Halt had come for him. And perhaps, had Halt not looked so concerned, he might have let himself sink again, take one extra hour of sleep. But Halt's concern bothered him. When he came back, everyone treated him like glass. Fragile, unable to take care of himself. Like he was one wrong breath away from crashing back down into the darkness. And it was true, that those first months after he'd returned were awful. He'd relapsed. Fought with Halt. Taken up smoking. Drinking. Anything he could get his hands on to block out the memories. But he'd risen above it, after all. Pushed his way out of the trauma. Like a phoenix, he fancied. Burned and covered in ashes, but renewed in a way. Halt didn't see it that way. He saw only scars and pain. Will wondered if Halt even saw him at all anymore. It had all come to a head when Will had been practising his hidden movement.
His accuracy with a bow hadn't faltered, but his stamina was wrought from the warm-weed. But that was easy. It was the other skills that he'd fallen too far in. He'd been crouching in the forest, still as a stone among the shifting shadows and crumbling undergrowth, wrapped in his cloak when Gilan had spoken up.
"It'll take a while to get your skill back." He'd said.
What the hell was that supposed to mean?
Will tensed and glanced up. Halt and Gilan were watching with strange expressions. Full of pity.
"But don't lose heart."
"I wasn't," Will growled.
"And if you get caught," Gilan had said, "Redirection is key."
Halt nodded his agreement. "Throw a stone, if you can get away with movement. Direct the enemy elsewhere and focus on escape."
Will blinked at them. Redirect? Focus on escape? Did they not think him capable of fighting?
x
Twilight glittered above, Will could see the stars coming out. A dusting of cloud cover gradually shifted from the east, over the ocean, where it would pour down overnight. He smelled wood smoke and fresh coffee. He smelled Halt's cooking and his stomach growled. Once, he wouldn't have questioned it. He would have been down out of this tree, into the warmth and comfort of home. But that same home was starting to suffocate him.
x
He'd launched up when they'd said that. His temper unchecked.
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Will." Halt started, a warning in his eyes.
"If you keep treating me like I'm incapable, how the hell am I supposed to get better? I don't need accommodations I don't need advice on how to run away. I need you to teach me how to be a Ranger."
Halt opened his mouth to respond, but Will wasn't finished.
"We've already lost a year, and you're wasting time." He gestured angrily, "On this."
"I'd hardly call it a waste." Halt snapped, "Knowing when to run is a valuable skill as a ranger. You can't fight every fight you make for yourself."
"But I can fight some of them."
Halt let out a long sigh and rubbed a hand across his eyes.
"Skandia took a toll on you, Will." He said evenly, "It's in your best interest-"
"May I remind you I survived Skandia, without you!" Will clenched his fists, "So you don't get a say on my best interest surrounding what happened."
"We're only trying to help, Will." Gilan looked hurt.
"Well don't. You're suffocating me!"
Halt had reached for him, but Will threw him off and took off into the trees.
He'd show them unseen movement.
He'd show them just how capable he was.
x
A sudden movement beside him snapped Will from his thoughts and he whipped around. The branches were swaying in the wind. And perched on one of them, watching him with an unreadable expression was a man. His silhouette was like a cat against the moon. Arched back, eyes wide.
"Gilan!" Will hissed.
The best unseen mover in the ranger corps. Will should hardly have felt surprised by his intrusion, but he felt violated somehow. Anger swelled in him. "Are you spying on me?" he snapped.
Gilan huffed a humourless laugh. "Surprise," he said. Even through the dark, Will could see Gilan's face. He seemed to have aged in the past hour. He looked tired and sad. His hands were wrapped in the fabric of his cloak. The anger faded slowly, but Will didn't relax. He adjusted his position, scanning the darkness below him.
"Halt doesn't know we're up here," Gilan said gently as if reading his thoughts.
Will just scowled, but stopped looking all the same.
There was a silence between them. A cloud passed over the moon. A wolf howled in the dark of the forest.
"What are you doing out here?" Will gruffed, though the edge was gone from his voice. He felt nothing now, only irritated he'd been found. Gilan was silent a moment, and when Will looked, he seemed to be debating something in his mind.
"I was looking for you," Gilan said at last. "You worried me."
Worried him? "You've got nothing to be worried about." Will scoffed.
Gilan looked sad. "Yes, well if that was true we'd be inside right now enjoying a nice warm fire and hot dinner, and hearing Halt complain about being old in cold weather." He sighed, "But we're the ones out here in the cold."
"So go back inside."
"Not without you."
Will clenched his jaw and tightened his grip on the tree. He was sick of this conversation. He was sick of feeling so crappy. And he was sick of being in this damned tree. He stared down at the faraway, dark ground. Impossibly out of reach if you didn't know how to get down. He wasn't even sure he knew the way. Gilan touched his shoulder, "You can follow me down." He said gently.
x
Back in the cottage, it was warm. Will was perched on the edge of his bed, holding the coffee he'd made for himself, watching through his bedroom door as Halt and Gilan relaxed in each other's company in the lounge room. He felt like he was looking at them through a glass window. Completely excluded from their comfort. Even still, the fire was casting a golden hue over the room, and with the curtains drawn, it was cosy and safe.
Safe.
Will rolled that word around in his mind like a pebble in his shoe. It bothered him how safe he felt. How after he and Gilan had made their way out of the tree and crept through the dark up to the steps of the cottage, Halt had been waiting to open the door. He had a knowing look twinkling in his dark eyes, but he hadn't said a word as Will brushed past him into his room. He hadn't even looked up when Will had returned to make his coffee over the fire. He felt the cup in his hands. It had gone cold in the night air and he didn't feel like drinking it anyway. Will opened his window to tip it out and immediately, both Rangers in the living room were on their feet. He glanced back at them.
"What. You think I'm going to run away?" Will sneered at them as he tipped his coffee out.
"The thought crossed my mind," Halt said.
Will closed his window with force, then crossed his bedroom and closed the door, blocking out the light, the warmth, and the eyes of the rangers in that room. Then he sat on his bed and stared at his hands, his mind racing. His heart full of thunder. It was suddenly all too much. He couldn't go on like this. He couldn't.
With careful steps, he gathered his belongings, tucked them under his bed and waited until the firelight grew dark beneath his door. He waited until the midnight storms began. And then he opened his window and slipped out into the night.