Back to Jess!

Chapter 8: Jess's New Perspective

Beth Zanders turned out to be everything Jess hadn't known he'd needed. She patiently explained everything, start to finish, to those four boys down by the river. She kept one hand on Jess's shoulder the whole time. He didn't protest, a bit too shocked by the stories she told to think of much else. He listened quietly and let Tommy ask most of the obvious questions on his behalf.

"With the stress of war, lots of young soldiers have developed their gifts. Jess, didn't anyone in your family seem particularly close with one other person? Or the opposite, someone who found it hard to be alone?" Beth asked, trying to draw Jess into saying something in return. Jess nodded slowly, watching the river tumble over the rocks and thinking of his uncle, Johnny, who could see and hear things no one else could.

"Harpers don't do too well alone," Jess said. Tommy gaped at him, waiting for an explanation, but Beth just pressed her lips into a thin line and nodded back. Knute looked on, wide eyed and fascinated, while Duncan stood nearby with his arms crossed.

"What about you, ma'am? How did you know what to do for Jess?" Knute asked, his tone almost reverent.

Beth turned to him and smiled kindly. "Well, I'm a guide. I have been since I was about your age; I found out soon after my mama died," she said. "Our papa was a doctor in Charlotte. He was a sentinel. You can imagine, his extra keen senses really helped him treat patients. He could see right where the problem was, and he could smell a wound festering long before anyone spiked a fever. I learned quick that I could help him with his senses, and later I learned how to keep the patients calm."

Tommy was ready with the next question, followed by another and another. Over the space of a few hours, they learned that Beth was twenty-six years old. She had been serving as a nurse in her father's practice since she was fifteen and had been married at nineteen. Her husband had not been a sentinel, but he was a good man who accepted who she was. She had lost her husband to an epidemic several years back. When the war started, her younger brother, a sentinel himself, had become a captain. Since he didn't have a guide of his own yet, she joined as a volunteer nurse to be near him and help balance his senses. Now, she spent most of her time on the look out for fledgling sentinels and guides coming off the battlefields.

Jess listened, letting his attention drift a bit. For the first time in his life, he had the information he needed to solve some childhood mysteries. Uncle Johnny falling asleep in the barn and winding up dead was the first one. Beth had called what happened to Jess today a "zone", and according to her they could get a lot worse. They could get so bad a man didn't know to move or eat or drink or anything. That must have been Uncle Johnny's fate.

The night of the fire, his brother Ethan finding him under the bed hadn't been a miracle. Well, not in the sense of having no explanation, anyway. He had to have been a sentinel. He could have heard Jess's heartbeat or breathing, telling him right where he was. After learning about guides, Jess figured Hellen had to have been one of those, bonded to his brother.

"Jess? Can you hear me?" Beth asked, in that gentle way she had. Jess looked up, realizing she'd been trying to get his attention for a while now.

"Yes ma'am?"

"Do you think you'd be alright if I took my hand away now?" she asked.

Jess pushed his worries away and gave her a crooked smile. "Why, sure ma'am, I reckon I'll be alright," he said, in his best Texan drawl. He thought it was sweet she was so worried about him, but he'd made it a lot of years now without hiding behind anyone's skirts.

As soon as her hand moved off his arm, it was like the whole world slammed straight into Jess. The gentle sounds of the water turned into a roar and the smell of the grass overwhelmed him. On top of the grass smell, he could also smell the nearby camp, and that was a doozy with even a regular strength nose. Everything was too bright and too blurry. Jess curled up in a ball, scrunching his eyes shut and trying desperately to keep his stomach where it should be.

"Ma'am, you gotta do something!" Knute said, worry making his voice squeak. Jess just covered his ears with his hands and groaned. Tommy, for once in his life, kept quiet. Small mercies, Jess thought.

Beth stayed where she was, but she did start speaking again. "Alright now, Jess, focus on one thing at a time and rein it in. Like we talked about. Find one thing you know and set everything else in place around that."

Jess tried. His head was splitting, but he started to sort through the chaos. There was one constant sound he recognized from earlier. It was a steady beat, a bit faster than before, but still steady. A heartbeat, Jess realized, marveling at the revelation that he could hear it effortlessly. He focused on that beat, holding on for dear life. As he focused, he could detect a tiny swishing sound between the beats that made it unique from the rest of the heartbeats around him. The rushing of the stream faded back into the background.

"There you go, Jess, you've got the first hold," Beth said, sensing him start to relax. "Now, on to the next thing. Focus on bringing that back to the right level."

Jess's stomach needed him to get his sense of smell under control, quickly. Jess decided the grass smell was the least of the evils in that respect. He focused on it, breathing through his mouth and trying not to gag. It shouldn't be so strong, Jess thought, Usually a person hardly notices it. He concentrated on toning it down, imagined it fading away like watered down whitewash. He started to feel better and moved on to sight in the same manner. When he finally felt halfway himself, he blinked and realized Knute was kneeling right in front of him. As his vision sharpened further, he saw that Knute's eyes were wide and scared.

"Quit worryin' about me, kid," Jess said. His voice sounded too loud and rough in his own head, so he focused on turning that down a bit more. He tried to pretend his hands weren't shaking as he said, "I'll be alright now." He turned to see Tommy looking on in sheer disbelief while Beth smiled proudly. Duncan hadn't moved from his watch, still a few steps away.

"That was a very good start, Jess Harper, you should be impressed with yourself," she said. Jess absently nodded, too busy trying to keep everything at the levels it should be to give much of a response. "It'll take time and practice, but you'll learn to manage."

"Sure I'll learn," Jess rasped out. "Out on the next battlefield. I'll learn just in time to see a bullet headed for me, I reckon." The one thing he hated more than anything else was being vulnerable. Through everything Jess had always been able to count on himself. Now, his own body was betraying him.

"Come now, Jess," Beth said with a sigh, "Please don't go counting yourself out just yet. You'd be surprised, most sentinels actually find it easier to keep things level in the heat of the moment. It's when the action is over that the problems can start. By that time, someone will be there to help you."

Tommy found his voice again. "Right! That's just what happened today, Jess. You were a terror out on the field, and when you ran for Knute… Boy I tell ya Jess, I ain't never seen someone move as fast as you did. It wasn't 'til we got back and you wouldn't let him go that we even realized there was a problem."

Jess caught the small scoff from Duncan at that comment, but he didn't acknowledge it. With everything else going on he hadn't had a chance to puzzle out Duncan's reaction. He'd hardly said a word since Jess came back to himself. Instead, Jess just nodded along with Tommy's reasoning.

Beth pulled out a small pocket watch from her nurse's apron. "Goodness! Jess, if you're alright on your own now, I'd better be getting back to the hospital. I'm sure my brother's already wondering why I'm out of camp." She stood to leave and the boys stood with her.

"I'm grateful to ya, ma'am," Jess said, holding his gray cap in both his hands. "I don't know how I woulda ended up if you hadn't come along, and I sure am glad ya did."

Smiling, Beth reached up and put her palm on Jess's jaw. Even with that little touch, Jess felt some of his tension ease. "You'll be alright, Jess. I was happy to help. If you need anything, you can track me down. Or my brother for that matter, Captain Battley. He'll know where to find me."

She dropped her hand. As she turned to leave, he felt the tension start to coil up in him again like a rattlesnake ready to strike. Beth turned back for just a moment. From the look on her face, Jess knew she really could sense his feelings, just like she had told them. Jess turned to look out at the river again, noticing each little ripple and shimmer of the sunlight as the water cascaded over the rocks. It was a much better sight than the pity on Beth's face as she walked away.

The group was silent for a few minutes, soaking everything in. Tommy was the first to speak.

"Well, shoot, Jess. Ain't that just the neatest thing you've ever heard. All this time, you really were lucky. You just didn't know it yet!" he said, enthusiastically throwing an arm around Jess's shoulders.

Knute nodded, his energy and excitement overriding his worry for Jess. "With you bein' able to hear and see and even smell those Union troops, you'll be the best danged soldier in the south!"

Jess wasn't convinced. That angry part of himself wanted to scream and rage, wanted to snap at his friends and make the world take it all back like it was some cruel trick. He hadn't asked for this. His jaw flexed as he tried to hold himself together. Just as he was about to lose that tenuous control, he noticed the same heartbeat with the little swish from earlier. He looked at Knute, with his wide eyes and proud tilt of his chin. Without all this, he might not be here, Jess realized. Without me bein'…Whatever I am, his heart wouldn't be beating at all. Jess couldn't rage about Knute being alive. He let out a sigh and did his best to put a smile on his face. He ruffled Knute's hair as the boy quickly ducked away.

"I'm not sure about bein' the best danged soldier, but I'll sure do my best to look after the likes of you fellas," he said.

Duncan, meanwhile, just turned and sauntered away from the group, walking back toward camp. Jess followed, having had enough of being the center of attention for one day. The other two drifted along behind. Tommy and Knute were still talking excitedly about all the new possibilities and just how good Jess's senses might be while Jess did his best to ignore them completely.

As it turned out, Jess wasn't able to tolerate the main camp just yet. The group brought all their gear down to the riverside and set up their own camp, away from all the sudden sounds and smells of so many men close together. That night as they were eating dinner, they found out pretty quickly Jess also had an enhanced sense of taste. As soon as the hardtack met his tongue, he was heaving.

Tommy chucked at his friend's expense. "Now you're just like the rest of us, ole Jess boy. I never could understand how you ate that stuff without complaint in the first place," he said, as Jess wiped his mouth.

Jess just shook his head ruefully. "Tom, you ain't helpin' matters none," he replied through his teeth. Jess was too tired and hungry for any jokes to land well tonight.

"Um, Jess… I was thinkin', you know, about today when you kind of settled yourself. Can you manage to fade your taste out a bit, at least so you can eat? Not just to what it would normally taste like, I know that's still pretty bad, but maybe so you can't hardly taste it at all?" Knute asked, anxious to help his friend.

Jess cocked his head to one side, considering. "I reckon I don't see why not," he said, taking another nibble. He didn't last long before he was trying to wash his mouth out with his canteen. That water, however, tasted just like the inside of the canteen itself, and soon he was emptying his stomach all over again.

"It's no use, it's just too strong. And the metal from the canteen makes the water almost taste like blood, or metallic like that at least," Jess said, looking away and hanging his head. Knute and Tommy glanced at each other, not sure how to overcome that.

Duncan piped up, for the first time all day. "You need something you can tolerate when it's strong. Like an apple. An apple tastes good, even when it's a strong one," he said, some of his typical cocky attitude coming back. Jess figured that no matter what had Duncan's dander up, he just couldn't pass up the chance to know more than the rest of them.

Tommy was glancing around, looking at what their little sanctuary had available. "It makes good sense, but I don't reckon we got any apple trees around. Them gooseberries would probably knock you flat if ya tried 'em."

Knute looked at the stream. "The rivers back home always taste like whatever's in the rocks around them, and sometimes you can smell that they're no good to drink. This one, though, I don't think is too bad. What about it, Jess? That water smell fresh to you?"

Jess hadn't considered that. He'd ruled out water as an option after the canteen fiasco only a few moments prior. Now that he thought about it, though, the river water hadn't bothered him at all yet. Even when he'd been half crazy and completely out of control, he hadn't noticed the water having a smell.

"I 'spose it's worth a shot, 'less I never want to eat again," he grumbled. Jess moved down the bank and laid on his belly, ready to cup water in his hand.

"Naw, Jess, not with your hand! It'd be like lickin' a salt block, with how hot it was today!" Duncan called, the note of superiority clear in his voice. Jess rolled his eyes but silently admitted Duncan had probably saved him from another uncomfortable failure. He bent his head low and just touched his tongue to the water.

Not too bad, Jess thought, as he considered it. He turned his head to look back at his companions. "I can definitely taste some kinda metals and mud, but it's not awful," he said. He turned and took a little drink this time. Following Knute's suggestion, he turned his taste down until he could just barely tell there was anything there at all. He sat back, amazed.

Knute was beaming, so proud of having come up with a solution. Jess gingerly took a bite of his hardtack. He could still taste the musty flavor, but it was bearable. He turned it down a bit farther, and before long, he could eat it just as easily as he usually did.

"Even better than before," Jess said, cracking a small smile. "Anyone not want their share? I'm plumb hungry now!"

Knute and Tommy laughed at that, the sound bouncing around in Jess's skull, not altogether unpleasantly. He heard new tones he'd never noticed before and he knew he'd be able to recognize that sound in a twister if he needed to. Duncan just rolled his eyes and went back to being surly as he laid out his bedroll. The sun had long since dipped behind the trees and the other three boys followed suit. Jess was asleep in minutes, exhausted after the day. His last thought was regarding how in the world he was going to explain this in his next letter to Francie.

Staying asleep was a different matter altogether. Jess woke up just about every time something moved around him. First it was a tree branch creaking and an owl hoot, and then it was the grass rustling in the breeze. He tried to turn his hearing down the same way he had his taste. The third time, Jess clearly heard footsteps. He was instantly awake but lay perfectly still, just listening. He realized it was Duncan getting up and leaving camp. When Jess heard him sit down on a boulder close to the river's edge, he flipped his blanket back. Time to get it over with, I reckon, Jess thought, as he got his feet under him.

Jess approached Duncan quietly but was sure not to sneak up on him. He sat down next to him.

"Alright, Duncan, let's hear it," said Jess.

"Don't got a clue what you mean," replied Duncan. Jess vaguely noticed that the heartbeat next to him sped up a fraction.

Jess gritted his teeth. "Don't play dumb with me, Duncan. You ain't said barely two words since the start of the battle, now let's hear it."

Duncan turned his gaze to Jess, staring him down. "He wasn't yours to save," he said, clearly angry now. "And he ain't your brother. I don't care what kind of freak you are, he ain't yours to have."

Jess blinked and pulled away, his mind reeling. "Duncan, would you listen to yourself? He wasn't mine to save? If I had left him there, you'd very well be without him right now. I ain't gonna apologize for saving his life, if that's what you're after," he hissed back. Jess was angry enough to spit, but he didn't want to wake the other two. He wasn't looking for an audience.

"I saw the way you looked at him today. It was like you wanted to own him. He ain't your brother, Harper, and if you think I'm just gonna sit back and watch you take him away from me, well, you got another think comin'," Duncan said, his face hard as granite. "I know you hear good now, so don't go pretending like you ain't been warned."

Jess closed his eyes and took a deep breath in through his nose. The water continued to tumble past them both as the moon rose higher in the sky. "Well, Duncan, you listen here now. I ain't takin' nobody from nobody. I had my own brothers, and I lost them, all at once. I ain't lookin' to take on another one," Jess said, looking out over the water. "Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be that close with another man again. But a friend? Duncan, you gotta be dadgum outta your mind if you're gonna try and stop that boy from having a friend or two. I ain't gonna stand for that, not in the slightest."

To Jess's surprise, Duncan was quiet for a while after that. Finally, he spoke again. "I just can't get it out of my head," he said, almost as if to himself. "I can't stop seein' his face, right when that cannonball was headed for him. I saw the fear there, and I knew I'd never get to him in time. I knew he was lost to me, and I couldn't take it." Duncan was quiet for a while longer, and Jess waited silently. "When you came out of nowhere, draggin' him to safety, well, I knew that oughta been me. And when that woman came and explained everything… Well, Jess, I reckon I just couldn't take that either."

"I ain't never asked for none of this, Duncan," Jess said, letting his shoulders droop. "I'm glad I was able to get to Knute in time, but I didn't plan on anything that came after. I hope you know that."

Duncan scoffed. "By the look on your face when you first came back to yourself and realized what was happenin', I reckon you're tellin' the truth about that," he said.

"As for the brother thing," Jess continued, "I meant what I said. Knute and I are friends and I'll look out for him no matter what, but you'll always be his brother. His friend is the only thing I'm aimin' to be." Jess stood to leave, ready to go back to sleep. Duncan stood too.

"Jess?"

"Yeah, Duncan?"

"It'll take some getting' used to. I just need some time to, well, accept it all I 'spose. But I reckon I'll find a way," Duncan said, looking a bit sheepish. Jess just nodded. He of all people knew what it was like to be scared of losing your family, and he was willing to cut Duncan some slack on the matter.

"Believe me, it'll take me some time to get used to the idea, too." Jess said, bumping his shoulder gently against Duncan's. Together, the two of them ambled back over to their bedrolls. Jess didn't wake again until the morning sun crested the horizon.

In the end, Duncan did come around to Jess's new abilities, for one very simple reason:

Poker.

It had been a few months since the battle at Shiloh and their unit had seen very little action. The soldiers kept themselves busy throughout the summer with drills and card games. When they had first joined up, Tommy had insisted that he and Jess both learn to play, but neither had had much luck. After a while, they had both decided to keep their money and belongings to themselves. Duncan, on the other hand, had been playing for several years and seemed to have better luck at it.

It was July, and the late summer heat and humidity were taking their toll on the bodies and tempers of the soldiers. They had finally been dismissed to rest through the heat of the day. Jess had immediately found a shady spot on the outskirts of the camp, shucked his uniform coat off, and laid down in the cool grass. He tipped his cap over his eyes and took the time to settle his senses. Most of the time, he did his best to keep things turned down low, even lower than what felt "normal", to find some relief from the headaches he'd been having. His skin had broken out in hives a few times, and Jess was starting to realize he also had to manage his sense of touch. All told, daily functioning required constant attention and it was just plain exhausting. He knew he was improving, but not quickly enough for his liking.

Knute stood leaning against the tree trunk next to Jess, watching Duncan stir up a poker game with Tommy and some others a few yards away. Jess let his mind drift, practicing letting his hearing range widen around him before pulling it back in again, over and over. Even with his improvement, he still didn't have enough control to find his stills useful. He'd never admit it out loud, but he was nervous about pushing too far without a guide around he trusted. So far, Beth was the only one he knew of, and she was miles away.

As he reined his hearing in close again, he heard the conversation of the poker game. It sounded more tense than usual. Jess, still with his eyes closed under his hat, focused in on the sounds. "I'm all in, my friend," came an unidentified voice.

There was a familiar huff of air, and Jess knew that was Duncan. He was unsure of something. "You got a third queen in your hand, dontcha," he muttered to the other player.

"You'll see in just a second, mister, go on and slide your last few coins in," the voice said again, clearly eager to move forward with the hand.

Jess drew his eyebrows together, noticing a change. His heartbeat changed. It sped up. And his tone is just… a little off. It hit Jess like a lighting bolt. The man was bluffing. I better not be wrong on this one, Jess thought, but decided to take the chance.

"Duncan, go on and bet. He ain't got that queen," Jess said from his place by the tree, as if he didn't have a care in the world.

"You stay outta this, boy, let the men play. You go on an' enjoy your nap," the stranger growled at him. Judging by his voice, the man in question was probably no older than Duncan was.

Knute looked down to where Jess lay and whispered under his breath. "You watch it, Jess, he's got friends with him, and they ain't skipped many meals if you take my meanin'."

Tommy was looking between Jess and Duncan, not quite sure what Jess was playing at. Duncan hadn't moved yet.

"I tell ya, Duncan, he ain't got it. Go ahead and clean 'im out," Jess said.

Jess heard the scrape of stubble on wool and figured that must be Duncan, turning to look his way, and then turning back to the game again. "I've come this far, might as well finish it off, one way or another. All in. Now, mister, let's see that lady."

"You cheatin' bastard!" the man roared, throwing his hand down. Jess was up in an instant, his cap flying to the ground. The man rushed him as his friends went for Duncan and Tommy. He saw the first swing coming for him as he pushed Knute behind him and out of the line of fire.

Jess was no slouch in a fist fight, but the man was bigger than him and sure packed a punch. The fist crashed into his cheek and Jess's face exploded in pain. He'd never dropped with one punch before, but there was a first time for everything. Flat on his back, Jess tried desperately to push down the pain so he could focus. He was vaguely aware of Knute now above him, trying to protect him while he was on the ground, but he also knew that the younger boy wouldn't last more than a minute. With no other option, Jess made it to his feet and once again pushed Knute behind him. Jess hit back with everything he was worth.

By the time an officer stepped in to break it up, Jess was glad for the help. He knew there was blood down his face and in his mouth, but he couldn't really taste or feel it. Every sense was so haywire that he was only aware of his own breathing and the rush of his own blood in his ears.

Knute was there in front of him, one eye already starting to show a bit of a shiner. His lips were moving, but Jess couldn't hear a word. He could see that Knute's hands were holding his shoulders, shaking him, but he couldn't feel it. He scrunched his eyes closed, focusing hard, listening for the steady beat and swish sound of Knute's heart. There, Jess thought, finally finding it and letting out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. The rushing in his own ears started to fade. Soon he became aware of typical camp sounds, and then of Knute calling his name. Jess blinked his eyes open.

"I'm here, I'm alright. Just had to settle again," Jess told him. Knute sagged in relief.

"Thank goodness, Jess, I didn't know what else to do," he said, still holding Jess by both arms. Jess looked around to see Duncan helping Tommy, who was holding his side, up off the ground.

It looked like Duncan was the only one who managed to come out of the scuffle unscathed, still holding his winnings firmly in hand. That fits, Jess thought to himself. Duncan led Tommy over to Jess and Knute, grinning like a coyote that just stole a fresh kill. He let Tommy down easy in the grass at the base of their little tree.

"Well, Jess, I appreciate your support. Now, just how did you know he was bluffing, and more importantly, do you think you can do it again?"

Despite his bloody nose and split lip, Jess just grinned. This was going to be fun.