Chapter 6: All in Good Time
As Matt had promised, he and Clara took figuring out everything that was between them one day at a time. It was wonderful and horribly difficult for him all at once. There was part of him still, even after she had been back in his life for several months, that believed she would disappear again at any moment. There was a part of him that wanted to pull her close and kiss her until long after they had made up, and there was another part of him that hesitated—because what if she did disappear? And worse yet, what if this time she took May with her? He wasn't sure he would survive it if she did.
But it was May herself who got him to look past his fear—got both he and Clara to look past it, he suspected. It was her hopeful glances that she darted between them every time he came over for their now traditional family Wednesday night dinner. It was her eagerness to spend one on one time with him almost every Saturday, and her encouragement for him to join her and Clara at the Tylers' for Sunday dinners.
It was at one of these Sunday dinners that he finally asked Rose a question that had been burning on his tongue.
"How long did you know?" he asked one evening as he helped his mum pick herbs from her garden for the dinner she was planning. "About Clara."
She glanced up at him as she was clipping some Basil and kept her focus on her task as she answered. "Clara came to us not long after Torchwood took us all into custody. May was about—oh probably just shy of her first birthday. Jack had been taken deep into hiding and she needed our help, so we gave it."
"But you never reached out to tell me?" he asked. "I know you and David tried to find me through my handler after the all-clear was sounded, but you never said anything about May."
Rose bit her lower lip. "It wasn't for us to tell; Matt. Clara asked us not to; we had to respect that. No matter how difficult it was."
Hurt once again sparked in Matt's chest, but he nodded. Given his mum's compassionate nature, he could believe that it was difficult for her to keep her word.
"Clara was furious with Amy when she got you to come back. Not because you were going to reconnect with us, but because Amy wanted Clara to reconnect with you right away. It took a lot of convincing to get her to bring May to dinner."
"What changed her mind?"
Rose stood up and waited for him to follow her lead before starting to walk back toward the house. "May. Your girl certainly inherited both of her parents' stubbornness."
They both chuckled. "Well," he said. "I suppose I should thank her. It's been…" he trailed off as he searched for the right word. "Overwhelming—Clara being back—but I can't say I'm not happy that she's here, no matter where we end up."
Rose linked arms with him as they walked over the rocky terrain to get back to the house. "Your dad and I have noticed the light that's come back in your eyes since she's been here. It's obvious, I think, that you still love her."
He fidgeted and kept his eyes on the ground as he helped his mum navigate the path. "I wish I knew what she was thinking. If she…" He didn't dare finish that sentence.
Thankfully, Rose didn't need him to, and patted his arm as they finally reached the house. "All in good time, Matthew."
It had been a long time since Matt felt like he was part of a family. Being back with the Tylers and the Ponds had snapped something back into place that he hadn't realized was broken, and he found himself beginning to look at life in a brighter light than he'd been able to during their long separation. He wasn't sure when it had happened, but slowly he began waking in the morning with feelings other than loneliness. He'd started playing music in his home again; when it had long been silent. He'd even returned to writing outside of his regular editorial job for his current company and was in talks with his publisher about a new collection of short stories. Certainly, there was something healing about once again having human connections with people he knew loved him.
And still, he noticed a wholly different feeling when he spent time with Clara and May. This newer branch of family that he was only just starting to find a place within. He let the both of them lead as they settled into this new dynamic—how could he not? It had been just the two of them for so long; he didn't want to stick his nose where it may not belong. He also felt the need to protect himself. To insulate himself from the possibility of being rejected by either May or Clara, when he'd only just found them. As he'd mused before, that pain would not be tolerable. So instead, he forced himself to be patient, though this was against his nature.
Matt shifted in his seat to get his mind in the present and took a sip of water.
"Now, I have something special for the two of you to enjoy for dessert," Clara called from the kitchen before appearing back in the dining room with a Souffle in hand. "My mum's recipe of course—as she always said, the Souffle isn't the Souffle, the Souffle—"
"Is the recipe," both Matt and May finished for her, and then shot each other a grin.
"Ah, yes, I suppose you've both heard that one before," Clara said as she set the dessert down on the table.
Matt chuckled. "Ellie Oswald, deep on puddings, and a great woman if I've ever heard of one."
Clara shot him a smile as she passed him his own serving. "So, May, have you told your father about where you're thinking of going for University?"
May shot him a megawatt smile of her own that melted his heart. "I'm going to be applying for Cambridge to study Psychology."
"Ah! Marvelous!" He shot an excited glance at Clara. "I've no doubt you'll get in—what, with your mum's smarts and my suave."
Clara snorted. "Suave? Please give us an example of when you've successfully shown any sort of suave."
He took a chance and shot her a flirtatious look. "Well, it worked on you, didn't it?"
His heart squeezed when she blushed and darted her eyes to her dessert. "I wouldn't say that was your suave, I'd put that down more to your persistence, Chin Boy."
He waved a hand. "Well, whatever it was, I'm sure you have it, May."
May rolled her eyes as she stood and began collecting the remaining dishes. "Oh please, don't stop your flirtin' on my account." She chuckled at Matt's blush, and breezily stepped into the kitchen.
He turned to Clara with a sheepish look. For her part, Clara reached out to give his hand an affectionate pat. "Leave it to a seventeen-year-old to cut right to the heart of the matter."
He squirmed in his seat and waved his hands about uselessly. "I hope it was okay—my flirting, I mean. I don't want—that is—I—"
Clara again reached out and tentatively took his hand before giving it a firm squeeze. "It's fine, Doctor."
Warmth immediately moved through him at the ease of which she used her favorite nickname for him. He hadn't heard it in so long, and it didn't fail to make a smile break out across his face now. "Yeah?"
She smiled back at him, and his heart once again did a little dance in his chest. "Yeah."
They broke apart then when May re-entered the room. She quickly took in how abruptly they leaned away from one another and reached her arms above her head in a stretch. "Well, I think I'm going to turn in early—it being a school night and all. Goodnight you two." She once again breezed out toward the main floor of the house.
"Goodnight!" Clara called after her before turning back to Matt with a roll of her eyes. "Talk about someone who thinks they have a lot of suave."
Matt chuckled as he took a sip of his water. His throat suddenly very dry. "Clara—" he cut himself off and looked down at his glass.
"Yes?"
He looked up into her warm eyes and pulled in a breath for courage. In their many nights since that first reunion in June, they had talked through much of the hurt that had resulted from her absence in his life. She had patiently listened to him as he described his grief, as he had regaled her with stories about how awful the silence of their home after her loss had been, about how he had lashed out at everyone around him. She'd cried when they talked about Jenny and had held his hand when he shed a few tears of his own about her loss. All through their many talks she'd said very little about her time apart from him—instead focusing on providing him with steadfast support. Support he wasn't sure he deserved, but was welcomed, nonetheless.
Now, he retook her hand—lacing her fingers with his own. "I can't imagine how you did it all on your own. I know you had Jack and the Tylers and the Ponds, but if I had known, I would have come."
She easily read the guilt in his face and shook her head. "Don't feel guilty, Matt. I kept them all from telling you. If I hadn't been…I'm sorry I kept her from you. When I see the two of you together now, I don't know why I was so worried." She looked down at their joined hands. "I can't tell you how many times I imagined what it would be like to see you again." Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she kept her eyes firmly on their hands while she waited for his response.
Matt's breath caught in his throat. "Nor can I," he finally said just as quietly. "I thought about it enough I started writing about it."
Her brow furrowed. "Your book? But I thought you left the character based on me dead by the end of it."
He nodded. "I did, but I couldn't stop myself from fantasizing even long after it was published. About three years after I was in hiding, I started writing a sequel where you lived, but I only got about a couple chapters in. It was…too difficult to keep going."
"I see," she said, and then let the silence hang in the air for a moment. "Why not do it now?" she asked.
He bit his lip and shrugged. "I'll think about it." He looked past her at a clock on the far wall. "I should go," he said. "It's late."
She nodded and stood to follow him to the front door. They paused in the foyer, and he turned to find her standing closer to him than he had expected. His heart fluttered in response. "See you Sunday?" he asked.
Clara looked as though she wanted to say something but nodded instead. "Yeah, see you."
"Happy New Year!" David crowed as Matt stepped into his parents' kitchen.
He smiled widely as both May and Melody tackled him into a hug before he could respond. "Happy New Year!" he cried back and kissed both girls on the top of the head. "Where's Clara?"
"Out in the garden with your mum," Amy said as she handed Matt a bag of crisps. "Put those in a bowl for me, yeah?"
"Yes ma'am," he answered, and moved to sit next to David as he completed his task. "And shall I say, a happy retirement to you, Dad." He handed his dad the envelope he'd been carrying with the retirement gift he and Clara had selected. It had warmed his heart that Clara wanted to join him in choosing a gift. It was a simple thing, but somehow felt intimate.
"Oh, thank you son but you didn't have to do that." David gave him a pat on the back as he set the gift to the side.
"Well, I had help. Clara and May really picked it out, I just signed the card." Matt popped some of the salty crisps in front of him into his mouth. "If you're going to thank anyone, thank them."
His attention turned then when Clara and Rose reentered the kitchen with baskets full of items from the garden. "Matthew! Good, you're here." Rose gave him a smile and a kiss on the cheek as she passed him.
Clara shot him a smile as she sat next to him with a cutting board and a small pile of vegetables. "Help me make the salad?" she asked as she handed him a bowl.
He nodded as he took the object, but his attention was quickly torn away as Melody and May came bounding into the room. "Here's the cake, mum."
"Thank you, sweetie." Amy took the offered platter and shot Matt a glare when she caught the worried look in his eyes. "Before you say anything smart, Smith, Melody baked this."
He laughed as he held up his hands. "I wasn't going to say anything, Pond."
"Uh-huh," she said with a roll of her eyes.
Matt's stance on New Year's Eve had remained largely the same over the last eighteen years. Although he did his best to be present during the festivities and to focus on the family he was with, rather than the memories that always popped up during this time, he couldn't help but to feel the little waves of melancholy that would regularly come up during the day leading into the night. Of course, Matt had learned how to better manage these feelings with time, and he was much less overtaken by them than he had been in previous years, but he suspected they would always be there.
It was during one of those moments, where he was taking a breather in order to let the wave pass, that Clara found him.
She gave him a knowing look as she stepped into the kitchen. "Taking a moment?"
He nodded and motioned to the bar stool beside him. "Care to join me?"
She settled onto the stool and took a sip of the water she'd poured for herself. "Melody and May have your dad lecturing about the physics of the board game their playing."
Matt chuckled. "Chutes and ladders?"
"Chutes and ladders," Clara confirmed. "I think it's the happiest I've seen him tonight."
"How are you holding up?" he asked with a nudge.
She let out a slow breath. "Okay, I suppose. I've been missing Jack today." She laughed. "He would have loved to see us all together again."
Another little wave of melancholy moved through Matt at the thought of Jack. "He would have been teasing us the whole time—probably would have gotten May in on it too."
"Oh absolutely." She contorted her features into her best Jack expression. "Better not sit too close to Smith come midnight, Clair-bear, you know what they say about New Year's Eve and impulsive decisions."
Matt laughed at her impression but felt a small blush on his cheeks in reaction to her words. "You've gotten a little too good at that."
She grinned. "Well, I've had a lot of years to practice."
They were quiet for a long time. Long enough that Matt began to fidget. Maybe it was because it was New Year's Eve, maybe it was the memory of the first time they'd spent this holiday with his family, or maybe it was his overall melancholy; but all he wanted to do was skip through all this waiting. All the awkward silences and the long talks—the tentative glances and longing smiles. He wanted to just lean over and kiss her. To tell her that he loved her, and that he wanted to spend whatever time they had left in their lives starting over. That maybe it wouldn't work—maybe they had been apart too long and had grown up into two people who no longer fit, but that he'd take that chance if it meant he got to have her for even just a moment.
It was these thoughts that got him to turn toward her—his face just inches from hers. "Clara…"
She turned to face him, and blinked with surprise at his closeness, but didn't pull away. "Yes?"
He swallowed, and wondered if the sound of the action was as audible to her as it was to him. He searched her face for something to give him that last bit of courage. Her brown eyes widened as she seemed to read his intention, but she still didn't pull away. Instead, he saw that determined light flash in those eyes that he had missed so much.
It was all he needed.
Matt felt himself leaning those last few inches toward her, but pulled away abruptly as two sets of footsteps came crashing into the kitchen.
"Do we have any apples?" Melody asked with a laugh.
"Granddad wants to show us a physics thing," May explained.
Matt was frozen in the aftershock of the energy that had just passed between him and Clara, and was thankful when she moved toward the girls. "I'm not sure, let's see what we can find, eh?" She shot Matt a glance as she helped the two girls find what they were looking for.
Matt let out a slow breath as he finally stood on shaky legs. He shot May a smile as he clapped his hands together. "A physics thing? Well! I'd best help make sure he's not teaching you two rubbish."