No time for rest
No pillow for my head
Nowhere to run from this
No way to forget
Around the shadows creep
Like friends, they cover me
Just wanna lay me down and finally
Try to get some sleep
We carry on through the storm
Tired soldiers in this war
Remember what we're fighting for
Meet me on the battlefield
Even on the darkest night
I will be your sword and shield, your camouflage
And you will be mine
Echos of the shots ring out
We may be the first to fall
Everything could stay the same or we could change it all
Meet me on the battlefield
We're standing face-to-face
With our own human race
We commit the sins again and than our sons and daughters pay
Our tainted history, is playing on repeat
But we could change it if we stand up strong and take the lead
- Battlefield by Svrcina
Exhausted, I dropped into the empty staff room. I had an appointment with Tonks during my lunch break. She was grateful for any distraction she received from her hurt feelings, while Remus avoided any conversations about her as a matter of principle. Sometimes I thought about how I could force them to be happy.
But at the moment, I only felt my bones hurt tired from all the tasks I had loaded myself with. It was only a matter of time before my skin would resemble a limestone wall again, my teeth and fingers would turn as yellowish as Severus's, because I too based my missions for the Order on this golden magic potion against tiredness with its obvious and hidden side effects for the body. In the meantime, headaches were frequent companions, which I then tried to quench with further magic potions. But again, this thought of Severus made my mind tilt. I missed him so much that sometimes I could hardly stand it. I hadn't even been able to enter the cottage by the sea since. The old memories of a more golden time, which seemed to be forever in the past, hurt too much. I felt some tears running down my cheek at this thought, as if they wanted to wash away those memories.
I looked up in surprise when I saw Asklepios enter the staff room and hang his lime-green cloak over the armchair. His gaze wandered over my figure. As he wrinkled his forehead, I seemed to be the heap of misery I felt inside me.
"Come, get up! Blowing gloom is not an option for heartbreak," Asklepios said with a gentle smile and offered me his hand encouragingly. I sighed, but I knew he was right. My life had to go on somehow, it couldn't just end after everything I had experienced so far, even if I was missing my whole heart.
I grasped his warm hand, which wrapped tightly around mine, before I rose with a strong jerk. But as I stood, I felt a little dizzy, probably because I had risen so quickly after eating the last meal since early dawn and it hadn't been much. And to my horror, I felt myself tilt forward a little, but Asklepios opposed it and held me tightly in his arms. I gasped in surprise at this sudden close touch. A familiar smell from a mixture of bitter poitions rose to my nose. It was a fragrance that I had learned to love so much from a black-haired wizard. Since his chest was exactly at the level of my head, I leaned my forehead against it for a moment and felt his heart racing. So, I stayed for a few seconds until I was able to regain my confidence on my own feet.
I looked up slowly and looked at Asklepios. I had never gotten so close to him that I could see some very slight freckles on his face. But now I could see him perfectly, his forehead was a little wrinkled, he looked at me with a strange expression from his dark grey eyes. His dark brown hair fell into his worried forehead.
I straightened up so that he was only a little taller than I saw him run nervously through his hair before slowly and uncertainly reaching into my face. His hands gently touched my cheek, and he stroked my skin with his thumb.
"Tears," he breathed before his hand moved to my chin and my heart began to pound faster. We were standing close together as he ran his thumb over my lower lip.
I took a deep breath before his face approached mine. I knew what was about to follow, but I didn't feel any resistance to it, which frightened me. As if I was starving and longing for the touch of him after Severus had rejected me so much and made me feel pathetic...foolish. It was like a welcome gift to feel that there was someone who felt all this differently. Who seemed to want a kiss with me, who wanted me completely.
When our lips touched, I felt a faint tingling sensation inside me and yet it surprisingly felt so wrong that I wanted to scream outright. I knew it wasn't Asklepios' fault, for whom I might even feel more than collegial or friendly feelings. It was the fact that he wasn't the love of my life. His touches only led to a small sensation, when those of Severus literally drove me crazy. And even at that moment, when I was so close to Asklepios, it was Severus that I had to think about and wanted. Only him. Always, Severus.
When our lips parted after a soft kiss, he looked at me questioningly. But I shook my head, wanted to open my mouth to explain myself, but he gently put his finger on my wet lips.
"I know. And I'm sorry if I ambushed you. It was just time to reveal myself, I wouldn't have endured it if I had never tried," he whispered, lovingly touching the lips he had just kissed with a finger one last time.
"It's not... I can't. I'm not ready yet. My heart still belongs to another man," I said softly, half closing my eyelids to hold back a tear.
"Doesn't mean ready that it can be at some point? That there can be more between us than colleagues?" he asked, and I saw a spark of hope rise in his dark grey eyes. I didn't want to suffocate or fuel it, because I didn't know what lay in the future either. Whether there could be a possibility of a future for me at all or whether my fate was sealed like that of all my companions who gradually met an early death through Voldemort and his followers.
"I don't know, Asklepios. I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt your feelings, I never wanted to," I said in a shaky voice.
"You didn't either. I've been the one who has seen you with eyes of affection and love since you first walked through that door as a healer-in-training," he said, and I looked at him with widened eyes in surprise.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" I asked, irritated by the fact that Asklepios Sharp had kept his true motives to himself all these years that I had worked at his side.
"I quickly noticed that you are dating Gideon Prewett. He has always accompanied you, protected you and he was a powerful Auror, handsome, popular. I didn't stand a chance, you hardly paid any attention to me, but I knew you were in good hands with him. And when he died, you were devastated. How could I have replaced him for you? And in the seven years before you left St. Mungo for Hogwarts, I don't know. Maybe I was cowardly, maybe I liked the fact that I just had to wait long enough for your pain to pass and your heart to open again. But then you were gone and we only heard from you sporadically at St. Mungo. Have you ever wondered why you were immediately offered a place in this department below me? Despite your condition of not having night shifts, the summer holidays off?" He looked at me with a slight smile as I shook my head, shocked that I meant so much to another person all the time without even noticing it.
"When I read your request for a job, I immediately said yes. The prospect of having you near me again, seeing you almost every day, was too tempting. But something was different when you were here again. You were different, weren't you?" His smile froze now as he looked at me.
"I had found my love," I confirmed quietly.
"Yes, that was something I didn't expect, although it seemed logical to me. A woman like you wouldn't stay alone and wouldn't wait for someone like me. This bastard was so damn lucky and now he has broken you so much that you sit in the staff room with tears. But I saw my chance at that moment when you leaned against me... it felt like I was standing in a fire. It's..." He sighed and I looked down in embarrassment. I knew what he had felt, because it was comparable to what I felt with Severus, an inner fire that consumed you, skin and hair completely.
"But I'm sure you want to keep to yourself who broke your heart, don't you?" he asked, clenching his fists menacingly at his last sentence.
"Yes. It's not necessary anymore," I said with a dry throat and immediately felt the warm hands of Asklepios on my shoulders.
"I'm here for you, Catherine. Even if I can't do it the way I'd like at the moment. I always want to be a friend to you, and of course a colleague." His eyes looked at me with a warmth I knew from Gideon. I shuddered inwardly at this comparison and yet it was obvious.
"Thank you, Asklepios," I said in a trembling voice and before I could defend myself, he pulled me close and embraced me comfortingly, while some hot tears fell from me on his shoulder.
Suddenly, we heard a loud clearing of the throat at the door and pushed apart. And while we were both blushing, Tonks was standing in the doorway, grinning, who wanted to pick me up for our lunch date.
"What was that between you, Sharp?" she asked as we sat across from each other and ordered food. The Muggle Pub was surprisingly empty, apparently even the non-magical people sensed that danger was in the air, and for the most part stayed at home, where they thought they were safe.
"Nothing. He's a good friend."; I said, taking a sip of red Muggle lemonade.
"The kiss didn't look like nothing," she said, a little amused.
"How long have you been eavesdropping on us, damn it?" I asked, frowning. I was horrified that I had not noticed her, perhaps this revelation could have been avoided, which would significantly change the relationship between Asklepios and me in the future with the knowledge of what was now part of myself. As if she had read my mind, Tonks added.
"I'm a trained Auror. It's my job to stay unseen. But I think Sharp would have confessed his love sooner or later anyway. Just like I let Remus in on my feelings. How does it feel to break someone else's heart?" Tonks asked, a little sourly, as if it was my fault that I couldn't just reprogram my heart to love Sharp, which might have been the wiser choice from a rational point of view.
"Love cannot be controlled or manipulated. Love just grows where it wants, Tonks. You who love a werewolf without sense or reason should understand that," I said, trying to laugh. Luckily for me, Tonks joined in the laughter before sighing.
"How right you are. If only I knew for sure that Remus doesn't reciprocate my feelings. But he's just too unsure what a relationship with me would be like without even trying. How can I make him understand that everything is irrelevant as long as we love each other. What did he say to you when you spoke to him, do you remember? That I don't understand the full extent of his transformation, his nature and his position in this society, and that he wouldn't burden anyone with all this. Such nonsense!"
"Yes, those were his words before he blocked any conversation with me about you," I replied, thinking about the meaning of Remus' words when Tonks pulled me out of my thoughts again.
"In the meantime, he avoids all missions with me, hardly speaks to me and volunteers for the most dangerous tasks such as guarding the Muggle Prime Minister or joining the wolf camp. I have the feeling that the man I love, would never voluntarily spend time with me again and that he would rather go to his death than admit his feelings," she said in a bitter voice as I hung on her lips. We both seemed to be in the same situation. Except that Remus had feelings for Tonks that he was hiding, while Severus had perhaps expressed his feelings more clearly than ever before...
... Lily, my heart's desire... foolish witch... pathetic...
"... Severus Snape humiliated me to make matters worse a few weeks ago," Tonks concluded, once again pulling me out of my negative vortex of thoughts.
"What?" I asked with a dry throat when I heard his name so abruptly.
"He made fun of my Patronus, as if he knew exactly the meaning behind it. It must have gone to his head that he is finally the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It was always the dream of this dungeon bat," Tonks explained, unaware that my blood froze at her sentences.
"He's the new Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts? By Merlin, no!" I shouted, causing Tonks to wrinkle his forehead.
"It's not going to be that bad for Harry. He's good at the subject, after all, and if he wants to become an Auror, as Sirius said, then..." But I could no longer follow her words, because fear came over me like a shackle that wrapped itself around me. If Dumbledore had used him for this position, he considered Severus expendable. Because everyone knew that Severus would never leave this post voluntarily. What could that mean? What did Dumbledore have planned? For a long time I felt fear constricting my throat again... it was the fear for the life of the man I loved more than anything else in this life.
I quickly walked through the frighteningly empty shopping street. Contrary to the earlier hustle and bustle, Diagon Alley seemed dreary. Many shops were boarded up and the few shop windows showed the ministerial mug shots and security posters. I shuddered when Antonin Dolohov's visage grinned at me. The tall man, whose long, pale face looks distorted, has distinguished himself as a Death Eater, in which he had tortured numerous Muggles and opponents of Lord Voldemort with the Cruciatus curse. Among his victims were Gideon and Fabian Prewett. It was something that caused me such immense hatred that it frightened me to feel that way.
"I will take revenge on you, Dolohov," I whispered to the photo of the Death Eater.
"May it be a protective amulet for the beautiful witch? It protects you and your children from the Death Eaters, my dear!" suddenly shouted a man with a dirty cloak next to me.
"You'd better keep your junk to yourself!"; I hissed angrily, because I knew a lot of people would fall for this crap.
After picking up necessary and rare ingredients from the potion accessories store, which I had ordered weeks ago, I decided to go to the only splash of colour on the street. Weasley's Wizard Wheezes impressed with an eye-catching poster, in the style of the warning posters in the shop window, but there they advertised U-No-Poo, an impressive joke article for constipation.
They juxtapose the dreariness of the other shop window decorations with such an overflowing colourful, fascinating shop window that some of the passers-by involuntarily paused for a moment in amazement and took a closer look at this unusual sight. Grinning, I wanted to reach out to the shop door, but a familiar voice held me back.
"May it perhaps be a memory of a good, deceased friend?" asked Mundungus Flechter, opening his robe, where he had lined up various objects. He was shabbily dressed, as is so often the case, his reddish-brown hair was long and stringy, and he was surrounded by a clear plume of alcohol, mixed with the stench of tobacco. I was disgusted when he showed me his loot, which was clearly from the house of Sirius.
"Maybe that silver chalice or the beautiful locket?" he asked, pointing to an oval gold medallion about the size of a chicken egg. On it was an S decorated with green stones, which was modelled on a snake. But before I could marvel at it any longer or hold Mundungus accountable for his theft, I heard an unpleasant clearing of the throat from behind.
"What are you selling here? Do you have a valid sales permit from the Ministry?" a toad-like woman in a pink coat snapped at him. She was apparently the employee of the Ministry of Magic and I guessed from the description of Severus that it had to be Dolores Umbridge. So, I quickly took a few steps backwards and took refuge in the colourful joke shop.
As I struggled past the Ton-Tongue Toffees, Canary Cream and Skiving Snack Boxes, over which many children were hunched over, one of the twins came towards me. He wore a purple corduroy suit and beamed at me overjoyed.
"Professor, how nice that you are coming to visit us. You see, we still managed to exploit our potential, which you talked about," he said laughing, while I looked around with a slight grin.
"Yes, I had imagined it differently, but I'm impressed," I laughed.
"I'm happy about that. There is an exclusive discount for the former and current professors from Hogwarts. Well, with the exception of Snape. He's banned from the shop," he explained, leading me to a shelf with Extandeble Ears on it , while I tried not to stiffen myself.
"I know you're a big fan of that, aren't you?" he asked. "But maybe after a strenuous service, this would also be something for you?" Fred reached for a small box with Daydream Charm written on it. Frowning, I took the package from him and looked at it. The colourful cover of the box I was looking at showed a "handsome youth" and a "swooning girl" on a pirate ship.
"Practically invisible, you can use it to create a very realistic daydream lasting about thirty minutes. Side effects of the product included drooling and a light-headed facial expression. Not sold to customers under the age of 16," he proudly explained.
"Extraordinary," I whispered, turning the box in my hand.
"You even get the first box for free. You are welcome to recommend us among the members of the Order. We also have exclusive discounts for them," he winked and disappeared to a teenager who was trying to make a few love potions disappear in his robe.
When the wind whipped against the cottage and the sea beat wildly roaring high waves, we sat wrapped in a blanket cuddling in the small garden, which was bathed in autumn colours. We held a cup of hot mead in our hands after long intimate conversations.
"You know you're the love of my life, Catherine! I just long for you. Everything else has become meaningless by now," Severus whispered on the back of my neck before kissing me affectionately. He ran his hand down the zipper of my dress. So slowly, in fact, that with every millimeter my skin was exposed, I became more aroused. Severus visibly enjoyed it. "Severus..."
"Let's forget everything tonight. Please! I just want to be with you! Always with you," he breathed on my forehead before I closed my eyes and trembled under his touches as if it had been a long time, far too long. But the reason for this had slipped my mind, as well as any tasks or other obstacles, so that I could surrender to him with relish. The man I loved more than anything.
But when I opened my eyes, I didn't look into his black sparkling eyes, but at the dreary ceiling of my apartment and reality poured into me with a noise... I closed my eyes, hoping to find my way back to this dream that the magic of the twins had given me. But the 30 minutes had passed faster than I had hoped.
Groaning, I rose and looked at the clock, next to which Tibi slept peacefully on a perched stand.
It was time to start the shift after Shacklebolt. The Muggle Prime Minister left his office on time like clockwork and would arrive at his home just as punctually.
As expected, there was four knocks on my apartment door, which I only opened after I had thrown on my long dark red coat. This year's winter was stronger than in recent years and had led to a cold snap across the island.
Remus, too, had thrown on his old woollen coat to be prepared for the cold and gaze of the Muggles. After all, we had to look like we were simple Muggles if we were to unobtrusively guard the minister's steps.
Remus stood by my side this time because Dumbledore let us know that it could be more dangerous around the minister. Presumably, the information came from Severus... Severus. My smile disappeared from my face when I thought of this wizard...foolish witch.
Silently, we made our way to the Muggle Minister, because lately Remus spoke little, as if a wall had been built around him.
As we took a stand, we saw Kingsley nodding briefly at us from afar, glad he was able to hand over the Muggle to us. But it seemed to be a quiet night, because he went straight to his apartment, which actually resembled a small palace in the heart of London, without any other appointments.
I looked up at the sky and, despite the electric Muggle lights, saw a few stars and my breath rising as clouds of smoke. Remus next to me fixed the apartment and windows, trying to peek inside to see if anything was happening that put the Muggle and his wife in danger.
I looked at Remus sideways, his dark circles, the corners of his mouth pulled down, his pale skin and wondered what would be left of my best friend after this damn war. He had gone through as many losses as I had and at the same time, I wondered how he managed to build me up all this time after my breakdown because of Severus so that I could continue to function, continue to be a healer and a member of the order. He was so infinitely important to me, and I knew there was only one thing I had to do for him. He needed a kick in the ass… a huge kick in the ass.
"Remus, I know you don't want to talk about it. But you just have to now. I can't take it anymore," I began, and he jerked his face toward me to interrupt me.
"Not again. There's nothing more to say about it, you know my opinion," he said harshly and pressed his lips together.
"What do you want to do? You have to stay here with me tonight to fulfil the promise to Dumbledore. And I don't want to hear any more excuses. I just need the following information now: how do you feel about Tonks?"; I asked, looking earnestly into his face, which now had a hint of pink.
" When I see her, the world around me disappears as if it were the centre of me. She is so indescribable...I… love her," he whispered, startled by his sudden honesty.
"Why don't you tell her? Why don't you become happy with each other? Why are you breaking her heart?" I asked him louder than I intended because my hat almost burst. Tonks loved Remus and Remus loved Tonks. What was to stop him from simply usurping them?
He closed his eyes with a quick sigh before whispering, "Don't you understand that I'm protecting her?" he even asked, a little irritated, as if it was obvious, all the time.
"What are you going to protect her from? The only thing that denying your feelings brings is pain. For both of you. It doesn't make sense!" I objected angrily.
"Maybe not for you. But I'm saving her from an even greater pain. The pain she would inevitably feel if she were with someone like me. She would be an outcast in society, just like me. What would her parents think if Tonks arrives with a werewolf? Or her friends? You know all the prejudices against people like me. All the hatred I feel, she would feel too. And I can't have children, I can't offer her a family of her own. And she grew up so sheltered, loved and appreciated. What would all that do to her?" Remus looked at me with tears in his eyes. "If it weren't for this damn war, I would have packed my things long ago when I realized what was developing inside me. But so... I had no choice as a member of the Order of the Phoenix. My duty was greater than this."
"So, you're protecting Tonks by rejecting her to protect her from greater pain than not being able to have you?" I asked shocked, and my thoughts ran wild.
"Exactly," he said softly, looking down.
"I see..." I whispered, and it exploded in my head. "Severus..."
"What?" Remus asked in shock, his green eyes fixed on mine like skewers.
"What if Severus did the same with me? A breakup to protect me from greater suffering?", I asked more to myself, and my heart became warmer. It was the solution to his strange behaviour, that's just how it had to be. It is the explanation for the fact that I had felt his love all these years, which he now denied. But before Remus could answer me, we heard a scream from the Muggle Minister's house and saw security guards trying to storm the apartment, but with a huge bang and explosion they were simply thrown backwards.
We stared at each other with our mouths open before jumping up in shock. With the presence of mind, I swung my bright Hornbeam Spell Dust with the Dragon Heart Fiber, which I shared with Severus, to send a Patronus to Headquarters, where Tonks was currently on duty. We desperately needed reinforcements if this was the attack, because sooner or later we expected. With an anxious look, I saw my raven of silver light flying away in the night, hoping it would do its job.
Then Remus and I ran into the apartment, which had actually received some wards, but I only had a short time to question how the Death Eaters managed to outwit them.
With a quick spell from Remus, the door sprang open.
Inside, we were presented with a picture of horror, and I immediately remembered the last time I had experienced something like this. At that time, Gideon and Fabian were at my side. I decided at that moment that I would honour them. I wouldn't fail and get the Muggle and his wife out of here safely.
Remus and I separated, I went to the apartment on the left, Remus to the right. We looked at each other one last time, nodding, giving each other confidence in our eyes before my gaze wandered into the living room.
The minister's wife stood in front of the fireplace with her hands raised, while a hooded Death Eater held his wand threateningly in front of her. With a swing I had disarmed him. But he suddenly jumped at me with one sentence, tore me off my feet, so that I landed painfully on my back. He leaned over me, his arm trying to press my torso to the ground, while at the same time trying to grab my wand. His breath hit my face, I tried to defend myself with all my might, but I felt how physically superior he was to me. I felt my strength wane as my fear gripped me, but I tried to stand firm and fight back.
Suddenly, however, he suddenly gave way, and I felt his body slump on top of me. As I pushed the fainting Death Eater away from me, I saw above me the minister's wife with a raised candlestick made of heavy brass. She looked at me frightened, ready to strike me down too.
"I'm here to get you out of here. I want to protect you," I shouted to her.
I suddenly saw indecision on her face, a struggle over whether I was good or evil. Her gaze slid to my outstretched wand, with which I was silently placing a Full-Body Bind around our attack.
"What's going on here? Who are you? Where are our guards?" she asked in a shaky voice. But I didn't have time for explanations. Above us I heard screams, scrambles. She looked anxiously at the ceiling above us, her grip around the chandelier tightened.
"Please, I'll explain everything later. Now we have to save your husband!" I shouted and quickly lifted me up as she backed away a little. I held out my hand to her and tried to bring a smile, despite the fear for Remus, whom I suddenly heard calling out to me.
After a moment's hesitation, she nodded, grabbed my hand and together we ran up the stairs and I prayed for reinforcements to arrive.
The last steps I told the Muggle woman to stay calm and position herself behind me. I stood with her on the side of the wall before taking a look through the door into the bedroom. Remus, along with the minister, hid behind a heavy chest of drawers, while three masked Death Eaters confronted him. Flashes of light, pops, sparks, it was a fierce battle that Remus fought. On life and death. His gaze was rushed, he had exhausted all his reserves of strength, his movements to defend himself became erratic. I knew I had to intervene immediately, and yet I understood the hopeless situation we were in. Alastor and Albus had hidden several port keys in this house, which activated as soon as someone broke the wards. Every 5 minutes one of them went on. I knew there was a clock in the bedroom that was activated after 5 minutes. But when my thoughts had sorted out, I realized that the alarm clock on the bedside table lit up briefly and disappeared. Shocked, I stared at the empty spot, knowing that I had missed this chance to save all our lives. So, I had no other choice, I took advantage of the element of surprise.
Notes:
In the book, Severus is particularly tense at the beginning of sixth year. He is rude to Tonks and I wonder if it was just because of the Unbreakable Vow he had to make during the summer holidays - to kill Dumbledore, his friend and mentor. Leaving his relationship at the same time... perhaps too much of a burden? Do you like my interpretation of all this?
And did Asklepios Sharp's revelation surprise you or was it obvious from the start? I've included a few clues in the past.