Damn, FFn is really sucking recently. No email alerts, no reviews. Is anyone even going to see this chapter? lol ugh. The anxiety.

Anyway, if you're here - thanks! If you missed last chapter due to FFn's BS, make sure you go back! Mwahhhh. See you sometime next week if FFn allows me to post... lol

42
- unburdened -

Edward POV

My alarm sounds at four a.m.

I groggily shower, pack my bag, and head downstairs to make coffee.

My mom's in the kitchen, sitting at the table, doing something on her iPad.

"Morning," she says, glancing up at me.

"Morning." I scrub a hand through my damp hair. "I forgot how early you wake up."

"Every day. Internal alarm at five a.m. Though I'm up a bit early this morning to catch you," she says, taking off her glasses. "What time is your flight?"

"Six-thirty, so I need to leave here in half an hour."

She sips her coffee. "I can drive you."

When I open the cabinet, I find a mug in there that I don't remember seeing yesterday, one that says kiss me, I'm caffeinated.

It's the one Bella always used when she was here for family gatherings.

And I did kiss her.

Every time.

I grab it, knowing my mom must have purposely put it out for me to see.

"I can Uber," I insist, moving toward the Keurig and sticking a coffee pod in the dispenser. "It's early, and I don't want you getting stuck in traffic on your way back."

"What traffic? It's four-thirty in the morning the day after Thanksgiving. And you just got here two days ago. If driving you to the damn airport gives me more time with you, it's worth it," she says, firm yet gentle.

I breathe out a laugh. "Well, now I just feel guilty for not staying longer."

"Don't feel guilty. I know you're a busy man, and we're proud of you."

I grab my mug and sit down across from her at the table.

"Proud of what?" I ask, trying to sound teasing, but it just comes out like self-deprecation.

She frowns, not appreciating the non-joke. "We're proud of your hard work and determination. Your desire for change. You wanted something, you went for it, and you got it. And during a challenging time in your life, no less."

I shrug. My desire for change was linked to Bella; it wasn't for me.

She ran and I chased her. Now we're on our way to being divorced and having a baby together.

"Are you not liking the new job?" my mom asks, assuming that's the problem.

"It's fine."

"Just fine? What do you not like about it?"

I've always been able to talk to my mom about work and it feels like a safe subject, so I decide to open up.

"There's not a lot of creative freedom with SportsCenter. I just show up and do what I'm told. With the podcast, I felt I could do more. Had more of a say, especially since I was a producer. I've just always been more interested in that format over television, you know?"

"You probably felt more tied to the podcast because you created it. It was your baby before you signed on with the podcast network, so I understand that. What I don't understand is why you left completely and didn't try to stay on in some capacity, even remotely. Was that not an option? I feel like podcasting can be done from anywhere."

I guess I was wrong—this isn't a safe subject.

"No, it wasn't an option," I say honestly, but I don't explain why.

It's because I was trying to distance myself from any and everything that would have made Bella upset in the future. Staying with the podcast meant continuing to work with Maria to some extent, and she was a point of contention. I also knew if I ever came clean to Bella about sleeping with Maria's roommate, continuing to associate with her in any way would have hurt my wife even more.

"Well, I hate that you're feeling down about this career choice. You're so charismatic on television whenever we watch you. It seems like the job suits you. Maybe you just need more time to adjust to the change."

I think about the guaranteed change that is going to happen in six months when Bella gives birth.

"Yeah, maybe," I agree, mostly to appease my mom and not make her worry.

"Have you found a permanent place to live yet? Maybe that will help you feel more settled." She sips her coffee. "I know it would make me feel better about you being there. I can fly down in a couple of weeks and help you look? Hell, I don't even mind house-hunting on my own, either, if you're too busy. I love that kind of stuff. Especially on someone else's budget," she laughs.

I smile a little. "It's okay, Mom. Really. Thank you, though. I'll get it figured out."

"Just think about it," she says simply, and then more forwardly: "So, have you talked to her?"

"Who?" I ask, but I know.

"The woman who drank from this very mug on Christmas mornings," she says, tapping the ceramic with her nail.

"Yeah." I spin the mug between my fingers. "You could say we've been talking a little."

My mom smiles sadly. "And that's a good thing, right?"

"Yes and no."

She makes a sound with her mouth, like she disapproves of my comment. "How could it possibly be a bad thing?"

"Too much unknown, I guess."

She nods in understanding. "I hope she's doing okay. We miss having her around. I worry about her, too."

"You don't hate her?" I ask skeptically.

With a somber smile she says, "No, honey. How can I hate someone you love?"

"Why do you think I still love her?" I ask, throat dry.

"Because a love like that doesn't just go away. Not overnight. Not over a few months. Maybe not ever."

Her straightforwardness catches me off guard and reassures me at the same time. It's so different talking to my mom about Bella than it was with Allie but that's because mom's curiosity about Bella stems from unconditional affection. Allie's stems from something ugly.

"I thought you might feel indifferent toward Bella because Allie seems to hate her after everything," I explain. "And she doesn't even know the whole story. So I figured you might feel that way, too, since you don't know anything."

"I don't need to know exactly what happened between you and Bella to know that you both still care for one another. And your sister doesn't hate her, she just isn't the best at expressing herself. That being said, Allie needs to stay out of it," my mom says with a raised brow that lets me assume if Allie ever tried to talk shit about Bella, my mom shut it down. "You and Allie both got married so young, which surprised your dad and me. But I never worried or had doubts about you and Bella; never questioned if you were sure. Not once. But I did with Allie, even after she and Ben got married. And I think, unfortunately, it made her feel envious of you and Bella in a way. Maybe forced her to overlook some concerns she had with Ben because she wanted a successful marriage, not necessarily a happy one. But you and Bella…" my mom trails off, a fond smile on her face.

"It was good," I murmur, underselling just how much my relationship with Bella meant to me. Still means to me. "It was good until it wasn't."

"That's marriage, though. When it's tough, that's when you have to put in work. And when it's easy, there's still work to do because that constant effort makes it easier to get through the difficult parts."

"We could've tried harder," I agree. "I know that. I… regret that."

"Is she still living in LA?"

"Yeah."

"And you're in LA," she states.

"Yeah."

"And do you ever see her?"

"It's complicated," I say vaguely, but part of me wants to open up to my mom. To hear what she has to say about all of this. To tell me it's okay or not okay. To offer some guidance.

"Well, I would imagine it is complicated. Your divorce is pending. Nothing about that sounds uncomplicated," she murmurs. "Or at all like something you want."

"Since when does what I want matter?" I laugh bitterly.

"It always matters. You matter," my mom says firmly. "I know this separation has done a number on your confidence and your heart, and I truly hate that, but—"

I can feel myself growing uncomfortable.

"Mom, it's fine. We don't have to talk about this."

"You never want to talk about it. And I get it. It's awkward and confusing and private, but—"

"Wait," I interrupt because for some reason what she's saying makes me pause. In the past when she's tried talking to me about Bella, she never used words like awkward or private. It makes me wonder if Allie told her about the conversation she had with Bella about why she initially left me. Makes me wonder if Allie told her about Maria. "Did Allie talk to you? After she got back from visiting me in LA?" My mom's face—sympathetic and a little uncomfortable—gives her away, and I scrub a hand over my mouth, embarrassment simmering. "Allie pisses me the fuck off."

"Edward," my mom soothes. "Don't be upset."

"How can I not be? She keeps getting in the middle of shit. It's not her relationship to worry about. And it's not her problem to go talk about, especially to you and without my permission."

"I know. And I told her exactly that. She tried to tell me some things but I stopped it and said it was none of my business, so I don't know the full story. I told her I didn't want to know about anything unless it came from you."

I shake my head in frustration. "Still."

"Regardless of whatever Allie tried to tell me, that doesn't change how I view you or Bella. You'll get no judgment from me. I know all too well how nuanced marriages can be."

I press the heels of my hands against my eyes. "Can we just… stop talking about this now?"

"We can, sure. Whatever you want. But I worry. Your father does too. And I just hope if you're not talking to us, you're talking to someone? Friends? A therapist?"

I sigh, focusing on the table instead of looking at her. "It's not that I don't have friends, but people have their own shit going on, you know? And I was close with some buddies at the podcast, but now we don't see each other every day, so it's just… yeah."

"I'm sure they'd love for you to keep in touch," my mom encourages.

I nod. "Maybe. Yeah. But…"

"What?" my mom urges after too long of a pause.

As difficult as this conversation feels, I don't find myself wanting to avoid it like I did seconds ago.

"Bella was my best friend. So."

"I know she was," my mom whispers.

"I was going to therapy back when I was still living in Seattle, but I stopped."

"Why?"

"To be honest, it felt too hard. Like nothing was getting better."

She squeezes my forearm, and I glance up at her. "Therapy takes time, honey. And progress is not linear. Anyone who tells you that is a jackass."

"I made myself think that. No one else did. I'm the jackass."

"You are not. You're too hard on yourself, is what you are. You didn't used to be. And I'm not saying you changed for the worse, because Dad and I will love you no matter what. But you need to start taking care of yourself. I want to see glimpses of my son again. I wish I could do something to help, but lord knows you wouldn't accept my help, anyway."

I crack a smile. "If I'm stubborn, I get it from you," I joke, then wonder what parts of me my kid will get, and which parts of Bella will shine through. I wonder what he or she will look like. What their laugh will sound like. What it will feel like to hold them for the first time.

"What was that?" my mom asks, watching me.

"What?"

"Where did your head go just then? Because for a second I swear I saw you again. Unburdened."

Her words and their truth hit me hard. I realized I've missed this—talking to my mom. I've spent so long avoiding her because I was worried she'd view me as a failure. I didn't want her to see me hurting or to know I hurt Bella, or that she hurt me. I thought I was protecting us in a way, but in so many others, my avoidance did more harm. I didn't want to utilize the support system I had because, fuck. I don't know. I thought doing this alone made me strong but it didn't.

The urge to tell my mom about the baby overwhelms me. And to be honest, now I don't trust that Allie won't spill my news the second I leave. I want my mom to hear this from me.

"I… there's something I need to tell you. And Allie already knows, and she has a big mouth, so…"

"You can tell me anything," she encourages. "And I take what your sister says with a grain of salt, so I'd rather hear what you have to say from you."

The words don't spill out of me in frustration like they did with Allie. I say them deliberately this time because I want to share this big news with someone who loves Bella, too.

"Bella's three months pregnant."

There's no stunned silence or surprised gasp. No questions of if I'm sure or how this happened. All there is an immediate smile on her face and tears welling in her eyes.

I lift my ass from the chair and pull out my leather wallet, unfolding and laying the sonogram on the table for my mom to see.

She picks it up and admires it with a tender expression.

Before I can say anything else, she pulls me in for a warm hug.

"You're not gonna ask me if it's mine?" I wonder, hugging her back.

"Oh, I know without a doubt the baby is yours," she says, emotion thick in her gentle voice. We pull apart, and she wipes her eyes. "You wouldn't be sitting here right now telling me about this if it wasn't."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I say with a small, relieved chuckle.

She stares at the sonogram again, her finger tracing over the baby. "What a blessing," she murmurs, placing the ultrasound on the table. "Now I don't need to know details—"

"Good, because I probably wouldn't share," I mumble, fighting an awkward smile as I place the thin paper back in my wallet.

"And I'm not going to push you for information about what will happen between you and Bella. That's your business. If you want to share, I'll happily listen. But if I know you, you're going to keep all of that close to your heart."

"I couldn't tell you even if you asked," I reply, scratching the back of my neck. "I don't really know yet. Bella and I still need to really talk and figure things out."

"I'm just going to bask in this moment and be happy for you, and remind you that your father and I will support you both no matter what. Please know that," she says sincerely before she squeezes my forearm again. "She's always been like a daughter. And even if you stay apart, we will love and respect her as the mother of our first grandchild."

My nose stings and my throat burns with emotion. I force a cough to push away the vulnerable feeling.

"Yeah," is all I can manage to say. "I appreciate that. I'm sure Bella will, too."

"And maybe one little piece of advice I'll add is that I hope you and Bella stay honest with each other throughout all of this. That's going to be so, so important."

"Honesty," I echo. "It's hard. And sometimes it really fucking hurts."

"I know. But it's a vital pain. The kind that helps you heal and grow."

I take her words to heart, opening up even more.

"I'm worried I'm gonna mess this up. Be bad at being a dad. But that's normal, right?"

"How can you think that? You are so good at loving and that's one of the most important things."

"I don't know. Maybe because I wasn't that good at being a husband?"

She shakes her head adamantly. "Not true. I saw the way you were with Bella and how you treated her. Mistakes happen in marriage, but that doesn't define you. So you don't need to worry, okay? Just put that heart to good use loving your baby now. The rest will come naturally and when the time is right."

"Thank you," I say quietly, not realizing how much I needed my mom's words of affirmation and unconditional support.

"Always." She smiles and hops up from her chair. "Okay. Quick. I only have twenty minutes to pull out your old baby stuff before we have to leave for the airport."

I grin at her eagerness. "We still have six months."

"I know. But there's some stuff I want to send back with you for Bella," she says, not just proving she still cares about Bella with words, but her actions, too. "And don't get too comfortable—six months will fly by. Time always does when you're a parent."