Percy hadn't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. His muscles sometimes cramped from the sheer tension he was constantly holding. He'd considered stapling his pocket closed to reduce the chance that he'd pull Riptide out and filet someone for clearing their throat behind him.

Still, it was easier to feel like his head was clear during the nightly campfire with the snow barely dusting the ground under his feet, Annabeth's hand in his, the smell of smoldering marshmallows, and the off-key singing of the camp rising around him. After the last song, Chiron came forward to dismiss everyone. The crowd started to thin and the fire shrank, reflecting the reduced energy as the night quieted. A few campers stayed behind, chatting and laughing and cleaning up. Across the amphitheater, Percy spotted Clarisse and Chris holding hands and talking quietly.

Annabeth leaned into him. "Ready to go?" she said.

Percy hesitated. "Give me a minute?"

Annabeth looked where he was looking, then back at him in slight confusion. "Sure. I'll wait."

"I'm not done with my s'more," Piper said through a mouthful of marshmallow from Annabeth's other side. "So you gotta keep me company anyway."

"That's like your third s'more! You're hogging them," Annabeth protested. "You should just let me have it."

"Annabeth, you know I'd do anything for you. Except share my s'mores."

Percy shook his head and left them to it, heading to Clarisse and Chris. As they registered his approach, Chris looked surprised. Clarisse crooked a notched eyebrow at him.

"Oh no," Clarisse said. "What is it?"

""I wanted to ask Chris something," Percy said. "Could we talk for a sec?"

"Me?" Chris said.

"Yeah."

"Uh. Yeah, sure." He turned to Clarisse apologetically. "Um…"

Clarisse studied Percy for a second. "I'm going to bed," she said, turning back to Chris. "You guys talk."

"See you at breakfast," Chris said, kissing her on the cheek. Clarisse left in the direction of Ares cabin. Percy watched her lightly punch Annabeth on the shoulder on her way out.

Percy shuffled his feet, searching for words. After a moment he awkwardly sat down on the stone steps next to Chris, avoiding his eyes, bouncing his knee.

Chris cleared his throat. "Good to have you back, by the way."

Percy smiled wryly. "Thanks."

"'Bout a year since you first disappeared, right?" he said. "Hell of a year."

"Hell," Percy seconded. He let out his breath. "I'm sorry. I have a question for you, I just don't know how to put it."

Chris looked nervous. "All right."

"Luke got to you," Percy said. Chris's expression changed, and Percy hurriedly said, "No judgment, I promise. I'm asking—you still came back. I'm wondering…how? Is it hard? How do you…" Percy's voice cracked. "How do you get through the day?"

Chris studied him. "Is there a reason you're asking?"

Percy swallowed. In his mind he saw tendrils of poison choking a wan goddess, a river blasted into the air feet from his girlfriend, the expression on Annabeth's face as she begged him to let Akhlys go. "I've had a few moments I'm not proud of lately," he said.

They sat in silence, listening to the fire pop and sputter. Then Chris sighed. "Last year, after the war, there were suddenly a lot of empty seats in the dining pavilion. But I was still here." He looked at Percy out of the corner of his eye, as if apprehensive about his reaction, but Percy was silent. After a few seconds, he continued. "I don't know what people said behind my back. No one said anything to me, but I saw every empty seat and heard what I knew they must be thinking—it should have been me. And I agreed."

"No one said that," Percy said. "And if they thought that, it was wrong."

"Maybe," Chris said. "Ultimately, it didn't matter. I still heard it in my head all day. Regret. Shame. Hatred for myself."

"But then…" Percy exhaled. "When you feel all that, how are you supposed to keep going?" How don't you just fall back into the pit?, he thought. How don't you get lost in resentment, then shame, then resentment—

Chris shrugged. "You find things to live for, I guess. Don't you?"

Percy looked across the amphitheater at Annabeth, who was pulling a marshmallow off a skewer and laughing at something Piper was saying, the dim firelight giving her an almost angelic glow.

"I have those," he said. "I just don't deserve them."

"You can't do that," Chris said. "Like, I don't deserve that Clarisse saved me when I was a traitor. Or that Mr. D cured me when I went insane trying to help overthrow him. Or that camp accepted me back when other demigods died fighting Kronos. But I'll go crazy if I think that way, and denying myself anything won't fix anything for anyone else. So I just have to try to be better."

"You've thought about this a lot," Percy said, slightly taken aback by this speech.

Chris smiled miserably. "I have to," he said. "I'll live with it for the rest of my life."

"Yeah," Percy said. He rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand. "That's what I keep thinking."

The magical fire crackled in front of them, taking on a sickly yellow color. Chris gave Percy a long, searching look. "Look, man," he said. "I don't know what's going on with you. But when Silena died, you told everyone she was a hero. You said the same thing about Luke. Both of them did pretty bad things, and there's no way you're as hard on them as you're being on yourself."

Percy bit his tongue. He wanted to say, You don't understand. I'm losing control. It's getting worse. I'm scared of something sending me over the top. I'm scared of hurting someone. And I'm scared because I want to lose control. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of being a half-blood. I want to be done or I want things to change or I want to be done—

Annabeth looked his way then, as if she felt his gaze. She smiled at him warmly, but he must have had a strange expression because after a moment her face turned inquisitive. He shook his head slightly, forcing a reassuring smile.

"Have you talked to her about this?" Chris asked.

Percy grimaced. "No. I don't want to sc—I don't want her to have to deal with it."

"You should tell her," Chris said.

But she's the one I'm hurting worst, Percy thought. How could he put this burden on her, so soon after Luke's resentment and pride had taken his life and so many others? Her face in Tartarus flashed in front of his eyes again, the horror in her eyes. The fear she'd felt—fear of him. Shame welled up in him again. No, I have to get a hold on this. I cannot have this problem. "I'll think about it," he said.

"Good," Chris said.

"And for what it's worth," Percy said, "I really haven't heard anyone say a word against you since you came back. I think people are glad you came back around."

Chris smiled. "That's good to hear. Although it's probably out of fear of Clarisse more than anything."

"She'd call it healthy respect."

"Yeah, most people do have a good healthy respect for not getting an electric spear to the butt."

They both chuckled lightly before trailing off into a natural silence. Percy clapped Chris on the back. "Well, thanks, man."

"Yeah…take care, dude."

Percy crossed back to Annabeth, who was cleaning her marshmallow skewer by herself, having been left by Piper at last. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," she said, curious. "What did you two talk about?"

He thought about telling her, but his stomach tightened. It wasn't a good time for it, anyway. He'd keep thinking about it. "Just catching up," he said.

"Hmm," Annabeth said, clearly not buying it. "Well, could be useful for staying on Clarisse's good side."

"Oh yeah," Percy said. "I'd rather not have another war under our belts by this time next year." He took her hand. "Can I walk you home?"

She kissed him. "You better."

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