Ship of Theseus, a kingdom hearts fanfic

Kingdom Hearts has been my first and primary fandom for about 20 years now. It's beyond time I actually wrote something for it.

The theme of identity surrounding Roxas has always been interesting to me, and the complex dynamic between Riku and Roxas is particularly fascinating and tasty to explore. Especially so in the context of Sora not being present. There's really quite a lot under the hood - I had the itch to crack it open and see what was going on in there.

The Ship of Theseus is a philosophical paradox of identity. In a scenario where every part of a vessel is gradually replaced with another, a question is posed: Is the vessel made of replacement parts still the same ship as the vessel that existed originally, or a different one entirely?

Roxas's attention catches on the way the wind sounds as it blows through the needles of the pines. It occasionally crescendos, gusts sweeping in a rhythm that almost sounds like waves. Almost.

It's novel, learning to listen again with his own ears. To experience the world without Sora as a filter. How does he see it? Does he have enough frame of reference to know how his own, Roxas's own, filter changes the world around him? He'd lived a year of his own at first… but how much of that was influenced by the lies he was told by the Organization, before he'd even formed a concrete concept of what lying is?

He stares - eyes only half open, half seeing - at the train tracks below Sunset Hill. He isn't sure how it makes him feel, knowing now what the Ghost Train is, where it leads, what it means in the greater picture - one that places Twilight Town as just a speck in the grand scheme of all the worlds. And it all just feels a bit off. His memories of the Ghost Train legend... they're not even entirely real. Many of his memories of Twilight Town have fuzzy edges from where DiZ planted them. And many of the real memories took place in a fake version of his home.

But no, no, that's a painful line of thought to follow. Best just to enjoy the scenery.

The view of the sunset here is amazing, though nothing can ever hope to beat the view from atop the clocktower. But today… well, Roxas just needs a little time to think. And with all his friends, he's bound to run into at least one of them at the station. Funny how such a blessing has become so bountiful in his life that it's occasionally a problem. He never needs to feel lonely now.

Well…

Sometimes he misses the simple intimacy of being close with only Axel and Xion. Those handful of months when they were the best parts of life, before tension grew and things began to fall apart.

Of course, it's better now, away from the Organization, with their own bodies and hearts and autonomy. And he's thankful for it. Truly. There are occasional times he'll even visit Destiny Islands and his new friends, like Terra and the others (though being around Ventus can be…). And getting to know all these new people, it's been great. Strange. A little scary, a little hard. But nice.

But there are times when Axel goes off to spend time just with Isa, or when Xion is gone to visit with Naminé, or when Hayner, Pence, or Olette give Roxas a confused look when he brings up an in-joke only to realize it never actually happened for the three of them…

And at those times he feels a distance growing between his friendships, like the tight-knit bond he'd once had with Axel and Xion is coming undone, loosened by all the additional people in his life. Maybe it's just imagined because he isn't accustomed to balancing so many relationships, or maybe that's just what being human is like. Or maybe Roxas is just bad at being a person. How is he supposed to know?

"Roxas?"

He starts, jarred from his thoughts as he whirls around to look for who called his name.

"Riku?" Roxas says, embarrassed by the bewilderment in his voice. The last person he expected to see in Twilight Town was Riku. Especially as far out as Sunset Hill. "What are you doing here?"

Riku scratches his cheek with a finger, hovering at the end of the path to the terrace. It's not the first time Roxas has seen Riku since, well, everything. But it's still strange to see him like this. Awkward, unassuming. Shy, even. Everything about how he holds himself is politely guarded. It doesn't mesh well with Roxas's memories of fighting him over the right to exist. Or with the memories Roxas has of him through Sora's eyes: confident, competitive, playful, affectionate.

"Naminé wanted to visit," Riku answers. "So I offered her a ride on the Gummi ship."

"Oh." It doesn't really answer Roxas's question. Why is Riku right here, specifically? But Roxas doesn't try asking again. Instead, he kicks his skateboard into his hand and then drops it back to the ground with a clatter. "Okay."

Riku doesn't respond. Just shifts his weight and stares intently at one of the fence posts around the hill. Uncomfortable, Roxas pretends to check something on his new Gummiphone, silently hoping Riku will either do whatever it is he came here for or leave.

Roxas tenses when he hears Riku take a few steps towards him, hesitate, and then continue to walk over. Roxas puts his phone away and shoves his hands in his pockets, too deliberately casual to pass as anything but uncomfortable. He makes a conscious effort not to chew on his lip as he looks up to meet Riku's eyes.

"Did you need something?" Roxas asks, unable to keep the defensive edge from his tone.

Riku frowns, something he seems to enjoy doing a lot. He inhales and again looks off to stare at something unimportant nearby. Roxas doesn't look away as he waits, and after a stiff breath Riku pulls himself together and shrugs, also feigning a casual attitude. He does even worse than Roxas.

"Not really," Riku says. "Xion was wondering where you were."

"She can just call me."

"Oh. Yeah." Riku nods once, squaring his shoulders back. It doesn't help in making him look any less unconfident. Isn't this guy supposed to be a Master? Maybe Roxas's presence just makes him uncomfortable with Sora gone. The thought sits like a rock in his gut.

Riku clears his throat. "Well, just thought I'd pass on the word since I was around. See ya later, Roxas."

And simple as that, Riku turns around and walks back down the path away from Sunset Hill, leaving Roxas feeling a lot like when his skateboard catches on a stone.

"Riku, huh?"

"Mhmm," Roxas hums around his ice cream stick, nodding as he leans back against Axel's side. "It was really weird."

Axel makes a sound of acknowledgement and looks down at Roxas who meets his eyes with a smile. Sometimes the lack of tattoos under those eyes is a little disorienting, but the genuine light that now lives behind the green more than makes up for it. Roxas has his feet propped on the armrest of the couch, using Axel as his backrest as they talk. The air is muggy, thick with heat but it doesn't keep Roxas from laying his head against Axel's chest. Listening to the steady thump, thump, thumping of Axel's heart.

There's a magic to the mundanity. To the uncomfortable tackiness of sweaty skin that can't be cooled even with ice cream. To the obnoxious buzzing of cicadas beyond the windows. To the lingering smell of burnt food from Xion's latest attempt at cooking.

Home. Roxas doubts he'll ever be able to take it for granted.

"Think he's lonely?" Axel muses. Roxas's smile drops and he watches Axel idly twirl his own ice cream stick between his fingers. It's a fair thing to assume given… everything. Roxas doesn't want to think about it.

"Maybe," is all Roxas says.

"Maybe you should talk to him," Axel suggests. "Sounds like he could use a friend."

Roxas's dropped smile completes its journey into a frown. Sounds like he could use Sora, Roxas doesn't say. The popsicle stick cracks between his teeth and something needles in his stomach the same way the splinters poke at his cheek.

Axel's lips thin at Roxas's expression and then he shrugs, knocking Roxas off of him in the process. "Hey man, it's just an observation. Not saying you have to do anything about it."

"Okay," Roxas mumbles, letting Axel pretend his implied suggestion wasn't just that. He shifts back into a comfortable position against Axel's shoulder, throwing him a look with narrowed eyes. Stupid, big gestures.

"But, y'know," Axel continues, glancing away as his mouth pulls back into a small grin and a hand draws up to run lightly through Roxas's hair. "If I was saying you should do something about it-"

Roxas groans and Axel laughs, pulls his hand from Roxas's bangs to flick his forehead.

"Hey!"

"Just think about it," Axel says.

Watching Xion and Naminé together is as fascinating as it is disquieting. A scaly feeling slithers around in Roxas's chest for staring - it's a dick move to be comparing them like he is. He of all people knows that.

Still, he can't help himself sometimes, attention caught on how their identical faces make such different expressions. How delicately Naminé pokes at the food on her dish while Xion wolfs her own meal down with a ferocity that rivals Hayner's after a Struggle match. Or the shy way Naminé's cheeks get rosy when she's happy compared to the electric sparkle in Xion's eyes. It's a strange sensation - like when a dream is supplying you with information you know isn't quite right, but everything about it feels true all the same.

Roxas wonders if he and Sora give people the same feeling.

He lowers his fork, appetite abruptly waning.

"You okay, Roxas?" Xion asks around a mouthful of food. Naminé's deep, intense eyes shift to focus on Roxas, but she doesn't say anything as Xion swallows and nods to his still-full plate. "I thought you liked the Bistro's stuff."

"I do," Roxas says and hastily brings a forkful to his mouth. He has no idea what it is - something strange and exotic, and already too cold. But it's still delicious. The Bistro is easily the best change that happened to Twilight Town while he was… away. Even so, his stomach twists on itself when he swallows.

"You sure you're feeling okay?" Xion presses. She leans forward to reach across the table and gives him a little shove. "You've been kinda quiet in general today. Something happen?"

"Don't worry about it," Roxas says and pulls on a reassuring smile. The corner of Xion's mouth tightens a little, but her eyebrows pull up hopefully. "Just had too much ice cream earlier."

Naminé's eyes tunnel into him and he refuses to look over to her as he bobs a shoulder in a self-deprecating shrug. The look Xion returns isn't entirely convinced, but mercifully, she lets it go.

"Well, if you aren't hungry now, you can always get a doggie bag," Xion says and plucks a bite of food from his plate as she pulls back. She pops it in her mouth and hums appreciatively, ignoring the dry look Roxas throws at her.

"You know," Naminé says abruptly, "Riku might be by later. He told me he wanted to see the updated menu while he's in town, but needed to take care of some things first."

"Oh, yeah?" Roxas says in an attempt to sound politely disinterested. The scaly feeling in his chest tightens and he squirms a little as Naminé smiles at him.

"He told me he ran into you yesterday," Naminé continues. "Did you get a chance to catch up?"

Xion shoots him a curious stare; Roxas had made a point not to mention it to anyone else after Axel prodded him over it. He frowns and looks away, rubbing his shoulder.

"No," he says. "We didn't really have anything to talk about."

Naminé continues to level her gaze on Roxas and oh, he likes her, he likes her a lot but he hates when she does that. With just a look, she can slice right down to the heart like a scalpel and section it into pristine, paper-thin pages to read like a book. All with a gentle smile. It's intimidating.

He feels Naminé softly but pointedly close the book and hand it back to him when she says, "That's alright. Sorry. I've just been a little worried about him lately, so I wanted to ask."

Roxas's jaw tightens and he doesn't want to ask but he should, at least for Naminé's sake. So he opens his mouth to say something, barely even started on the process of figuring out just exactly what it is he'll say, but before he can get a word out -

"Why, what's wrong? Is Riku okay?" Xion asks, genuine worry in her voice. Well, at least Roxas is spared of trying to think of something to say. He closes his mouth to watch Xion chew her lower lip before letting his eyes fall back to his barely-touched plate. Yeah, he'll definitely be skipping lunch.

Goddamnit, Riku. Roxas closes his eyes as his stomach sinks with a slow breath. Why does it bother him so much?

"I'm not sure," he hears Naminé saying while he counts the beats in his chest. "I mean, if I had to guess…"

No one completes the sentence. No one has to.

Roxas returns to the Tram Commons later in the evening with a growling stomach and the tender beginnings of a headache. Consequences of skipping a meal.

His skateboard is clacking in a consistent, soothing pattern from the grooves in the Commons' brick-paved streets, but the sound is mostly drowned out by some sort of banging coming from the street theater. There must be a new movie playing tonight. He tilts his head, listening. Where has he heard that sound before? It's not quite like Xigbar's weapon when fired, but similar. Something about it reminds Roxas of bamboo and giant trees.

The tram's blaring bell makes Roxas's stomach leap into his throat, cutting off whatever startled yell he might have made as he swerves his skateboard hard to the side to avoid the car. He stumbles from the board, staggering a few steps to catch himself from biffing completely, and raises his hand to his chest, heart thudding as he puffs away the spike of adrenaline.

He blinks and stares down at his board. Seriously, what's with him? Why's he so out of it?

He's halfway through scolding himself, swooping down to right his tipped skateboard, when a flash of black and silver catches the corner of his eye. He jerks up straight and looks towards the Bistro to see Riku sitting alone at one of the outdoor tables, just as Naminé had said he'd be. Though - Roxas's eyes flick towards the clocktower in the distance - it's a little early for dinner. Maybe Riku skipped out on lunch, too.

Roxas stands where he is for a moment, caught in trepidation, watching. Doesn't seem like Riku's noticed him. He could easily slip away and get food somewhere on Market Street instead. He steps a foot up on his board, hesitating. Stuck between his desire to not deal with complicated emotions about complicated histories with complicated boys, and his guilty conscience at the way he notices how Riku's shoulders are drawn inward, his spine wilting over his food.

For an instant, Riku is younger. Just a small child, tiny shoulders pulled protectively forward as he curls over a little box of food on the play island. It's late, why is RIku eating out here alone? And oh, Riku's shoulders are shaking and then in the next moment, small, tan hands are on those trembling arms and Riku shakes his head, tiny fist wiping back tears as he denies them. But he freezes and dissolves back into quiet sobs when asked about his parents.

The memory is faint and washed out like a tattered photo that's been handled too many times. Roxas doesn't know if it's like that because it's old, or because it's not even his, but Sora's. EIther way, the feelings that come with it hit Roxas no less acutely, and a sharp inhale hisses through his teeth.

Goddamnit.

Resigned to his fate, Roxas turns his skateboard towards the Bistro. But first: he's still hungry and he needs food, too. And if Riku happens to finish eating and leave before Roxas collects his own meal, then, well, that's not his fault, is it?

But apparently Riku eats at a snail's pace, because by time Roxas rolls his way towards Riku's table, his plate doesn't look any emptier than the glimpse of it Roxas caught before. Something like cold static sinks down Roxas's throat.

Riku nearly flies out of his seat when Roxas sets his plate down with a clatter, diner chair scraping loudly against the pavement as he pulls it out to sit.

"Uh, Roxas?" The shock in Riku's voice isn't even remotely masked, nor is the disoriented way Riku looks him up and down. How deep inside his own head had he been?

"Hi." Roxas doesn't mean for it to come out sounding like that. He's not sure if it reads as annoyed, angry, or defensive, but either way, it's not exactly friendly.

The gaze Riku settles on him is absolutely mystified and Roxas is already beginning to regret this whole thing. It's not his job to take care of Riku, and seriously, who even said that anyone needed to take care of Riku? Frankly, he would probably be offended by the very idea. Roxas sure as hell would be. And even if Riku did need taking care of, Roxas is the last person qualified.

Something familiar and scaly slides back into his lungs at the thought. Like a serpent coiling around his heart. Roxas pretends not to feel it or the increasingly baffled eyes on him as he sinks his teeth into the first bite of his sandwich. He doesn't taste it.

The next minute that passes is quite possibly the longest one of Roxas's short life.

"I-" Riku finally attempts, at an obvious loss. "Uh. What's up?"

Actually, this next minute becomes the longest one of Roxas's life as he realizes he has absolutely no idea what to say to Riku now that he's put himself in this position. Time moves in mysterious ways whilst one is in the throes of social agony.

It might not even be a full minute, but it's at least an eternity before Roxas convinces himself to look up from his sandwich to meet Riku's eyes. They're clouded with some complex emotion, brows pinched in a thoughtful, cautious way. But he doesn't look upset. Confused, maybe. Perplexed, definitely. Beyond that, Roxas can't really tell what Riku's thinking.

It occurs to Roxas, after a moment of staring into Riku's increasingly overcast eyes, that he's the one who's supposed to say something. He swallows, coughs, and looks off somewhere to the left of Riku.

"Was hungry," says Roxas.

"Yeah, I uh. Yeah."

"Kinda sad to just sit around eating alone," Roxas continues, as if that explains everything. His heart thrums uncomfortably as the skin at the back of his neck prickles and his ears heat up.

"...Yeah," Riku agrees after another moment of puzzled staring and Roxas finds himself wishing Riku still had his stupid blindfold. Thankfully, Riku looks down to fiddle with some vegetables on his plate. In a quiet, polite tone he asks, "Did you need help with something?"

"No," Roxas answers too quickly, too sharply, and okay, now his ears are on fire and he's glad Axel and Xion aren't here because they would laugh at him and he would deserve it for how miserably he's failing at this. Or worse, they'd take pity and try to help.

"...Okay."

Riku needs to stop doing that. That whole hesitating-before-everything-he-says thing. It doesn't feel right, and each time he does it, the snake around Roxas's heart gives another squeeze and he can feel its fangs rest dangerously against it. Not biting, but warning. And even if he can't pinpoint exactly why his own heart is feeling the things it's feeling, Roxas does notice how subdued Riku is. Same with their short encounter yesterday. He's still got an air of soldier-like honor wrapped up around him, but it's deflated. Like an impressively carved pumpkin a few weeks after Halloween.

Roxas clears his throat and concentrates on getting his ears to cool off as he makes his way through the next couple bites of his sandwich. Riku still isn't eating, just pushing his food around pathetically. Which is probably how Roxas himself looked earlier.

For the next handful of minutes, Roxas makes his way through his sandwich, occasionally sucking in a breath to make an attempt at saying something, before closing his mouth, disgruntled, and hiding behind another bite of his meal. Riku, for his part, takes a few obligatory bites of his own food, but doesn't look like he's enjoying it. More than once, Roxas feels Riku's eyes settle on him and then quickly dart away when Roxas looks up at him.

"So," Roxas finally says when he runs out of sandwich. "Ever wanted to learn how to skateboard?"

"Uh." Riku darts his eyes to look at Roxas's skateboard like he's never seen one before. And like it might bite.

"Well, you do now."

Riku, to Roxas's absolute delight, does not possess any latent gift for skateboarding nor even the knack for picking it up right away.

"Roxas, I really don't think-"

"Oh, c'mon, you're just not putting your weight in the right spot," Roxas insists, beaming as Riku is forced to contort his whole body to keep balance, wobbling in a way that would make a Dusk proud.

"-that there's a purpose to this," Riku stubbornly finishes once he's safely regained his faculties. For all Riku's fronting about being good at everything, and all his cocky scorekeeping, he's a total sore-loser when he's bad at something. Thrilled, Roxas tries to remember other times Riku has been like this, but sharply stops the moment he catches himself doing it.

"The purpose," Roxas says, using his foot to give the board a nudge. It rolls forward just a little, and Riku's squawk of surprise gets stuck in his throat in a way that would put Donald to shame. The laugh that bursts from Roxas isn't exactly nice, but it is genuine, and isn't even dampened by the tired glare Riku gives him as he steps off the board. "...is that it's fun."

"I know that," Riku mutters, and even though he doesn't sound happy, Roxas takes pride in the fact that he sounds real. Not awkward and weirdly shy, and not reserved and polite. Real.

"You sure about that?" Roxas asks and grins. For a second, he forgets that he's Roxas and that Riku is Riku; they're just two kids with no history and Roxas is discovering that Riku's fun to tease. But then the instant is gone as Riku looks up from the ground to meet Roxas's eyes.

There's a weight behind them far too heavy for a normal teenager, an intensity that curls Roxas's stomach as it brings back feelings of rain on his shoulders and clashing keyblades in his hands. His smile falters, and when he tries to hold it, it mutates into something closer to a grimace. Riku looks away.

Roxas lets his face and defenses fall and allows himself to really just stop and take Riku in. The dark rings under his eyes, the way his clothes hang a little too loosely, the limpness of his hair. There's always been an air of darkness around Riku, but it tastes different now. It curls in Roxas's nose and sits like bile on the back of his tongue. It's easy to ignore when you're used to it, but when he pays attention, he feels something sink the tips of sharp fangs into him.

Are you okay?

The question is clear in Roxas's mind. There's no fighting to figure out what he should say. But he doesn't say it. What would be the point? He already knows the answer.

The most important person in Riku's world is gone, and his other best friend is in a deep sleep. Of course he's not okay.

"Hey Roxas?"

Roxas's chest jumps and he darts his eyes away when he realizes Riku has been staring back, eyes digging deep into his own.

"Thanks," Riku continues when Roxas doesn't reply. "For, you know." He shrugs, gesturing loosely to the skateboard and general area. The realness is rapidly fading from Riku and something twists inside Roxas at the realization that there's nothing he can do to catch it. "But, I… I'm a bit tired. I'm going to turn in for the night, alright? Say 'hi' to Lea and Xion for me."

"I- okay," Roxas says, because what else does he say to that? But his molars grind, because Riku is the one who came to him yesterday, so why is he bailing out now that Roxas is trying to make an effort?

And why does that make Roxas want to call it quits and try harder at the same time?

"Have a good night."

Night in Twilight Town is an odd thing. It's never fully night here, the way it is in most other worlds. The sun does set, but only just below the horizon, remaining high enough that the sky remains a wash of reds and golds. It glides below the horizon towards the east until it's ready to rise again at dawn and then lazily makes its way, low in the sky, back to the west to prepare for another breathtaking clocktower visit at dusk. Cycling through days, but forever lingering in a state of twilight that keeps the town bathed in beautiful orange.

Most of the world's inhabitants are accustomed to the state of perpetual gloaming and sleep through the ambient lighting of Twilight Town's nights with ease. Something Roxas should also be able to do just fine. He remembers doing so for years. But then, those years of growing up in Twilight Town never really happened, did they? So he guesses, bitterly, that it makes sense that he needs to pin a blanket up over his window at night to darken his room. It's as though his body remembers - rather than the eternal light of Twilight Town - the eternal night of the World That Never Was.

Or maybe it remembers the beautiful, starry nights of Destiny Islands.

Roxas's movements slow like tar as he pulls his hands down from the blanket pin. He stares at the shadowy folds in the cloth, not really seeing it. Instead, he sees an ocean of stars and galaxies overhead while they ripple and dance in the dark water below.

Silently, Roxas settles himself on his mattress but doesn't lie down. Instead, he hugs his legs to his chest and rests his cheek on his knees, head turned away from the window. To hold himself in, he twines his fingers together to lock his hands in place like an anchor. He can feel his heart beating where his knuckles press together.

There are no stars in Twilight Town, but Roxas knows they're still there. He's seen them from so many worlds and - even though their positions are different in each - they're always the same.

He wonders if Sora can see those same stars right now.

The serpent that's made a home in Roxas's chest moves and a knot forms in his throat. When he swallows around it, it hurts.

It's not fair. Sora and Roxas never seem able to exist at the same time as each other. Even though Roxas is here now with his own heart and his own body and his own life, Sora is gone. Like some cosmic force has predetermined that only one of them is allowed to exist at a time, and if Roxas is here, then Sora can't be. And Roxas knows in his head that it's not his fault, but in his heart he feels responsible anyway.

He misses Sora.

The discovery of this fact is like a phantom's claw, not quite able to be grasped but painful anyway. But it's true. Despite everything, even though they never really knew each other on a purely human level, he misses Sora. Misses the kindness and safety and warmth his heart provided while Roxas slept, never believing he'd get to truly wake. But Sora made sure that he could. That he did.

And it hurts. Grips and twists at his infantine heart until it has him gasping.

He turns his head to hide his face in his knees, pressing them against the hollows of his eyes. And in the darkness, he sees Riku looking back.

If missing Sora hurts Roxas this much, he can only imagine how much it hurts Riku.

He remembers a time when Riku was twelve, when his dad didn't come back on his boat even after a storm started. The adults were whispering to each other urgently and not nearly quietly enough to go unheard by the three friends huddled anxiously together on Riku's living room sofa. Riku was the strong one, the collected one, the mature one of the group. But in that moment his whole body shook, red eyes lighting up those sea-green irises like the ocean at dawn. And as a single, stoic tear escaped down his still-round cheeks, two pairs of hands reached out and tangled with his.

Roxas can remember the way Riku felt, trembling against his side - against Sora's side - as he pushed in close, wrapped in a desperate hug. All three friends squeezed snugly together until the good news finally came.

He remembers how brightly Riku had smiled and how strong his hug of gratitude had been. So tight that it hurt, but was well worth the bright swelling in his chest.

The lump in Roxas's throat is making it hard for him to breathe and he releases his grip around his legs to bury his hands into his hair.

He tries to banish the memory. It's not his, he doesn't want it, he's intruding on something private, it's not him. So he shoves it down and a memory of Roxas's own surfaces in its place.

A demanding pain spreads rapidly through Roxas's side from the blow Riku dealt him with Oblivion. But it's muted by the thick darkness choking Roxas as he struggles in its grasp. Darkness thick like sludge in his lungs and every breath he chokes in tastes like Riku - it's his darkness. Roxas gasps as his vision begins to fade and he knows that this is it - no, no, it can't be but -

Roxas growls and flings himself from his bed, stumbling across the room to press his forehead against the wall. He hugs himself, knees weak, but he doesn't move to sit, just leans harder into the wall and shakes his head against it.

The viper has its fangs buried deep in his heart and venom runs through Roxas's veins like hornets, buzzing angrily as confusion impacts like giant ocean waves that knock him off his feet and drag him under.

For a while, all Roxas can do to keep from drowning is breathe through clenched teeth. Hissing, loud, ugly. But the sound gives him something to focus on, to ground himself with, and slowly he pulls the warping pieces of himself back together.

By time he crawls back into bed and buries himself under the covers, his mind is able to think again, attempting to sift through the mess his heart left him.

Longing, fear, hate, confusion, love, trust, joy, anger, pain - everything wraps around his heart's image of Riku in a collage of nonsense. It blends and mixes and churns until Roxas is no longer sure which emotions are his own and which are Sora's, still lingering deep in his memories. Like a bucket of paint, once it's been so thoroughly mixed, there's no separating it again. It's its own color now.

He hates this. Even in his own heart and body, Roxas still doesn't know. He doesn't know for sure which parts of him are him, and which are Sora. At least not in moments like this.

He wants to resent Sora for it, but he can't.

He tries to resent Riku for it, but finds he can't do that, either.

Xion's hair tickles Roxas's cheek as she rests her head on his shoulder. Roxas's next breath is deep and warm as he dips his head to rest atop hers. Just for a bit, he allows his eyes to slide shut, forgoing the beautiful sunset to focus on the steady sound of Xion's breathing, the clicks her shoes occasionally make against the clocktower as she swings her legs.

They haven't done anything that day. Summer vacation is nearing an end, but he and Xion don't have the homework that Hayner, Pence, and Olette do. Not yet. Next break, maybe.

It was nice to have a lazy day with her, regardless of the nagging at the back of his mind that had him glancing around for signs of silver hair and brooding eyes all day. His distracted searching had proved useless, anyway. Maybe that's why, despite doing nothing, he still feels tired now that the day's coming to a close.

He doesn't realize he's starting to doze until a large hand ruffles his hair and another body is settling into place at his other side. He startles and feels Xion jump against him, evidently having nodded off herself.

"Careful, you two," Axel scolds dryly, with no real gravitas. He holds out their usual ice cream. "You're gunna fall off the ledge one of these days if you're not careful."

Roxas gives him a wry smile as he snatches the ice cream. As he hands one of the popsicles to Xion, she cheerfully says, "Oh, no worries, been there, done that."

Axel snorts as Xion settles back in place, nibbling the edge of her ice cream. Ridiculously, Axel bends to rest his chin on Roxas's opposite shoulder, curving his back into a shape that has to be painful and Roxas feels Xion's shoulders shake with a giggle. Something warm and bright and big blooms inside Roxas's chest and he hides his smile in his first bite of wonderfully salty-sweet ice cream.

Despite some confusing emotions and dark nights and frustrating boys, existence isn't really so bad. It's the best thing Roxas has ever gotten, actually. Just to experience tiny moments like these.

"Whad'ja guys get up to, today?" Axel asks once he finishes his ice cream, wincing a little as he sits up and straightens out his abused spine.

"Nothing," Xion and Roxas say at the same time.

"You know, when you say it like that, it makes me suspicious."

"It's true!" Xion insists. "Olette and everyone had homework and Naminé was doing something with Riku, so we just hung out."

Ah. So that's where Riku had been. Roxas should have just asked.

Something must show on Roxas's face, because Axel levels him with a pointed look before asking, "So you haven't had a chance to see Riku while he's in town yet, huh?"

"No," Xion answers while Roxas stares down at a train passing along the tracks in the distance. She sounds disappointed and Roxas doesn't really know how he feels about that.

"I did," Roxas mumbles after a reluctant pause. "Yesterday."

"What, really?" Xion asks. Axel doesn't say anything, but Roxas can feel his attention fixed on him.

He shrugs. "Yeah. It was dumb." He knocks a heel against the side of the building. "But. Um. I dunno I…" Roxas pauses and waits out the scaly feeling that slides through his chest before finishing. "Do you guys think… there's anything we can do? To, y'know -" he waves a hand vaguely, "- help Sora."

Xion sits upright, leaving Roxas's shoulder cold. She threads her hands together, frowning thoughtfully. "I don't know… I want to help, too, but…"

"Hnn." Axel leans back on his hands and stares up at the sky. "Might not be my place to say it but… Isa mentioned something about the work with Kairi. You know, the search through her dreams. And memories. They're going in kinda deep with her but," Axel looks over to the two of them, expression carefully neutral, "I guess Ansem's thrown around the idea that Sora's own memories could be helpful, too."

"What do you…" Roxas falls silent as understanding dawns.

"They're wondering if our memories from Sora could help," Xion says.

Axel nods, scanning both their faces. "But, it's up to you two." He leans towards them, brows stern. "There's no pressure."

"I want to help," Xion decides. She takes barely a moment to think about it.

Roxas, though, grips his popsicle stick and watches his knuckles whiten. The contrast is stark against his black ring. He opens his mouth but then closes it again and licks his lips. The cold that begins settling into him is cut by the warmth of Axel's hand as he lays it between Roxas's shoulder blades.

"Hey." Axel's voice is firm but gentle as he repeats himself. "There's no pressure."

Roxas closes his eyes, takes a breath, and feels. Feels the slithering unease at the prospect of opening the door in his mind that he wants to keep shut. At the prospect of putting his self under a literal microscope for analysis of Sora.

And feels the emptiness in his heart at Sora's absence. The desperation and loss everyone has been treading around since his disappearance.

Roxas looks up gratefully at Axel and nods. "I want to help, too."

Axel smiles and moves to mess Roxas's hair while Xion take's his hands in her own and presses them against her own upturned lips.

When Roxas catches Riku walking down the hill past the Usual Spot a few days later, he kicks his skateboard to launch it at him, successfully beaming him right in the bony part of his ankle.

"Ow! What th- Roxas? What the hell was that for?"

"You've been skipping out on skateboard lessons," Roxas declares.

"What? I never agreed to-"

"Come on, that board isn't gunna learn to ride itself."

And that's how they end up at Station Heights, standing at the edge of the tallest hill on this side of Twilight Town while Riku balances precariously on a skateboard only inches away from plummeting downward, full tilt.

"No." Riku's voice leaves no room for argument, but the way the whites of his eyes show just a little too much around his irises betray him. "There's no way this is the best way to learn."

"Listen, there's no better way than baptism by fire if you want to get the hang of it fast."

"You're hazing me."

"I would never. This is how I learned." Roxas grins at the memory of rattling down the hill, heart in his throat as the world flipped and the next thing he knew he was somewhere halfway to the bottom, lying on the ground and clutching at the alarming angle in forearm. Hayner's laughter as he ran down the hill to check on him had ended abruptly the second he caught sight of it. When Roxas got his cast, Hayner was the first to sign.

Of course, none of those things ever actually happened, but -

"I'm not doing it," Riku decides grimly. He steps off the board and kicks it back to Roxas.

Roxas is about to lean into it, bully Riku just a little harder, but decides against it when he sees the tired sag in Riku's shoulders droop even further. Oh, fine.

"You're no fun," Roxas grumbles, kicking the board into his hand. "Alright, you win. Let's go to the Sandlot, then.

For a moment, Riku looks like he might protest, say he doesn't want to do this at all. But he pauses, lips pressing together, and his gaze lingers just a little too long as he looks Roxas over. Roxas catches a glimpse of something behind Riku's eyes. Longing?

Before Roxas can figure it out, Riku turns his head away, using his forefinger to idly scratch his cheek.

"Alright," Riku says. "That seems like a more reasonable start."

An hour and several bruises later, Riku is pushing around the Sandlot with ease. He even masters kickturns and gets a decent start at manuals. When Riku rolls over to him, Roxas makes a show of slowly clapping his hands.

The light, proud little smile that had slowly worked its way onto Riku's face over the past hour immediately drops. His shoulders straighten and he shoves his hands in his pockets while the skateboard comes to a perfect rolling stop in front of Roxas. He looks like he wants to say something, but doesn't. Instead, he regards Roxas with low eyebrows and a tight jaw.

"Well there you have it!" Roxas says, clapping Riku once on the shoulder. The effect is dampened by the fact that he has to reach up a little to get at Riku's shoulder, especially while he's up on the board, but Roxas ignores that. "Now you can get around town without taking a million years with the trams." He pauses, then adds, "Or cheating with Flowmotion."

"How is that cheating?" Riku mutters at the ground while he gets off the board, but Roxas suspects he wasn't supposed to actually hear him. So he pretends he didn't.

"Well, actually," Roxas amends, hooking his foot around the decorative wing of his skateboard to pull it back. He steps up on the board and raises his chin a little, so he and Riku are closer to being eye level with each other. "I guess you'll need to use the trams until you get your own board anyway."

"Right."

Roxas thins his lips, tilts his head, considering Riku. He… seems genuinely annoyed at Roxas undercutting his progress. Good. That means he was successful in getting Riku to care about it.

Satisfied, Roxas nudges Riku's shin with the toe of his shoe to get him to look up from the ground. When he does, Roxas offers him a friendly smile this time.

"Getting kickturns down in the first hour is nuts," Roxas compliments. "That took me almost a month."

Riku's shoulders relax. The smile that returns to his face is reserved, but real. "Thanks. I think I need more practice at turning, though. Or, uh, aiming? There was a word - what did you call it?"

"Carving," Roxas confirms. "And yeah, you lean a little hard."

Riku nods, a thoughtful sound humming in his throat. He shifts his weight, posture easing into something more comfortable as he ponders the board under Roxas's feet.

The next breath Roxas takes is a bit sharp and his voice is painted with an edge of anxiety as he says, "And, uh, actually Riku I -" He stops, nerves getting the best of him.

But he has Riku's full attention now. "Huh? What is it?"

Roxas's heart squeezes with a few painful thuds and he swallows thickly. Don't back out now. "Well, it's. About Sora."

Riku's whole body stiffens, but he otherwise doesn't respond.

"Me and Xion were talking and - well, and Axel, too, but mostly it's mine and Xion's, I mean, it was Axel's idea first but - sorry, that part doesn't really matter, I guess. I just -" Roxas stops again, cringes. His eyes flick to Riku and then to the ground before he really has the chance to even note his expression. He's still not saying anything, the easy mood from skateboarding gone the moment Roxas said Sora's name. He clears his throat and hopes Riku hasn't noticed the slight rattling of the skateboard from Roxas's trembling knees. "Sorry," he says again. "Let me - sorry."

Riku reaches out with a foot to steady the skateboard. So he has noticed, then. Roxas's breath catches and something long and tight constricts a little tighter around the thumping in Roxas's chest.

"It's okay." Riku's voice is soft. Unreadable. "You, Lea, and Xion were talking, and you and Xion…?"

Roxas takes a deep breath before trying again. "Axel was telling us about some of, some of the work with Kairi." Roxas glances up to Riku's face, but it remains stoic. Eyes back to the ground. "And Xion and I were wondering if, if looking into our memories would be any help. Our - um, you know -" he swallows and the last part comes out barely louder than a whisper, "Sora's memories."

There's a breath of silence. Roxas's shoulders tense around his ears and ice prickles down his back. He can't bring himself to look up at Riku's face again. Not until he sees Riku take a step towards him and he jerks his head up. There's barely any distance between them and something intense in Riku's eyes. Roxas forgets to breathe.

"Yeah," Riku says and the word is like paper. "Yeah," he repeats, stronger this time. "Yeah, Roxas, that -" and now Riku is the one twisting his head sharply away. "…that would help a lot."

A pause. "Then…I'd - we'd like to."

When Riku looks back at Roxas, his eyes are a little red, but he's smiling.

"Thank you."

There's a moment, just a fraction of a second, where Riku's arms jerk outwards, his posture twitching to bend towards Roxas, and Roxas recognizes that Riku is going to hug him. But before Roxas even has a chance to lock up, Riku catches himself and settles for clasping Roxas's upper arm instead.

"Thank you," Riku says again, emphatically.

"Yeah, um." Roxas licks his lips. "N-no problem." He doesn't mean to, but he tenses a little and Riku must feel it because he pulls his hand back. "You should thank Xion, too," Roxas adds quickly. "I think she wants to see you, anyway. She seemed disappointed that she's missed you in town so far."

Riku blinks. "Really?" And then he shifts his weight back to his other leg so there's a comfortable distance between the two of them again. He smiles and it's shy again, but there's warmth in it. "That's good to know. Thanks. I'll be sure to catch her."

"Yeah. Sounds good." An awkward pause. "Um. When, uh, when do you think would be best? For us to help out?"

"Let me ask Ienzo," Riku says. "But probably the sooner the better. If that works for you."

Roxas nods slowly. "That works."

"Cool, I'll give you guys a call as soon as I know."

They go separate ways not long after, with Riku stating he ought to call the Radiant Garden crew before it gets late. Roxas takes the long way home, letting himself skate absentmindedly around the Tram Commons.

There's a lingering, nagging feeling at the back of Roxas's heart and it's not until he's almost home that he figures out what it is.

He wishes Riku had actually committed to that hug.

That night, he dreams of exploring an island cave for the first time, Riku by his side. They talk about monsters, about adventure. Every fiber of his being is strung tight with excitement and awe and he thinks that, really, as cool as it is, this cave isn't even half as cool as Riku.

And then Riku reaches out and grabs hold of a handle on the door at the back of the cave. He doesn't remember that handle being there before.

When Riku turns, he's not a little boy anymore, but a tall man glaring down at him with piercing yellow eyes.

Roxas staggers back, crying out in alarm, but isn't able to escape as darkness shoots forward to crush him with monstrous hands.

It's only a couple days later before RIku has Roxas and Xion boarding the Gummi ship to Radiant Garden. Which is just as well, considering they start their first ever year of school in a few days and getting chances to visit might be harder after that. If they want to try and maintain a good school attendance, anyway. Like normal kids. Soon, they get to be normal kids.

But first. They have some memories to get assessed. Riku mentioned something about Even wanting to check up on their replica bodies too, which has Roxas less than thrilled. He's glad, at least, that Xion will be there with him. In the seat next to him, she smiles and reaches out to squeeze his hand as Riku brings the ship into a descent near the castle.

As the three of them walk down the castle halls together, Roxas slowly swivels his head around, taking in the huge pipes in the walls, the distinct colors of the entire building. It's uncomfortable being here. There's history here. Human experimentation and the creation of new Heartless and of Nobodies…

Roxas himself was created here, a sharp blade carving out his half-existence as it carved into Sora.

Shying from the thought, he forces himself to watch his own feet instead, but can't help the little shiver that skitters down his spine, skin prickling into gooseflesh. Beside him, Xion casts him a concerned glance and takes his hand. He returns her gesture with a reassuring smile and shake of the head.

To his other side, he notices Riku's eyes on him, but he doesn't comment on it.

It's still weird, seeing the other ex-Organization members that have taken up residence within the castle and labs again. Vexen… Even, Dilan, and Aeleus aren't all that different from how Roxas remembers them as Nobodies. A tiny bit kinder, maybe. Prone to the occasional display of genuine emotion now, perhaps. But largely the same. Ienzo, however, is oceans different from how Roxas remembers Zexion. Where Zexion was all frowns and cold logic, Ienzo is all smiles and warm academics.

Maybe Roxas just doesn't remember well. His memory in those early days wasn't great, after all. And it's not like he had much opportunity to get to know the members who were eliminated at Castle Oblivion. But, Roxas suspects as he watches Ienzo's animated gesturing towards his computer, it could also be a symptom of how young Ienzo had been when… well, how does a child that young learn to display emotions that are no longer felt?

Roxas is beginning to feel a little nauseous and realizes he hasn't really registered a thing Ienzo has explained about the whole process.

"I can go first," Xion offers, throwing Roxas another concerned look. He tries to smile again, but the crease of worry between her brow only deepens. "I don't mind, really."

"Certainly!" Ienzo says genially. "Ah, it might take a bit of time," he adds apologetically to Roxas. "At least a few hours. Will you be able to stay the night if we need to wait to have a look at you until tomorrow?"

"You think we'll need to?" Roxas asks, trying and failing to keep the alarm from his voice.

"Well, it's doubtful, but a possibility." To his credit, Ienzo does appear regretful to the idea. It doesn't make Roxas feel any better. "We've had some practice with our work with Kairi and Naminé but, well, all of you are rather unique. It's a bit hard to predict when all our samples are outliers, you understand."

"If we need to, I'm sure Leon will know of somewhere we can crash for the night," Riku says. His tone is casual, but his attention is fixed on Roxas. Studious.

"...Yeah, that's fine," Roxas says, stomach pinching. He nods to Xion, who returns the gesture. A silent agreement that they still want to do this.

"Excellent!" Ienzo begins ushering Xion towards another room, speaking over his shoulder to Riku and Roxas as they go. "Feel free to make yourselves at home. I'll give you a call when we're ready for you, Roxas, so don't feel like you need to stick around the lab."

"Well, he's certainly chipper," Roxas mutters against the stirring behind his ribs.

Riku hums tunelessly, looks down at Roxas. "Are you going to hang around the lab? Or go out to town?" He looks off to a door on the far side of the lab. There's a touch of guilt to his voice as he adds, "I'd like to pop in and visit Kairi for a little while. If you're alright on your own."

Two feelings occur simultaneously in reaction to the question. Offense to the notion that Roxas can't handle himself in town for a few hours, and the gut-drop of hearing the way Riku says Kairi's name. The fathoms of loneliness and longing and remorseful hope and duty.

"Yeah," Roxas says, scratching at his hair. "I'll be fine." He hesitates and then carefully asks, "Would you like me to come with you to see her?"

A little bit of the ice that always seems to encompass Riku thaws as he smiles at Roxas. Even his eyes soften, not quite so frozen. "No, I'd prefer a little privacy. But thank you for the offer."

Roxas can't explain why, but the snakelike stirring in his chest seems to tangle with his stomach, catching it in some sort of half-flop while his heart stutters.

"Sure, no problem," he says and he's proud of the way his voice doesn't shake.

"Hey! Roxas!"

He's only halfway through processing his relief at being free from the castle when a familiar voice calls out to him, accompanied by the fast clacking of metal shoes against the cobblestone path.

Roxas spins to find his reflection beaming back at him. Almost reflection.

"What're you doing in Radiant Garden?" Ventus asks, a little out of breath. "Is Lea with you?"

"Er, no," Roxas answers, trying to regain his footing. But everything just keeps happening so much, and he's having a hard time keeping up, like he woke up strapped to a treadmill that's two speeds too fast. Too much in one day, and now Ventus. "Sorry, Ventus." And then belatedly, lamely: "Hi."

"Oh." Ventus deflates a little, and just like with Naminé and Xion, it's fascinating in a horrible sense to watch Roxas's own features behave in a way that doesn't line up with himself at all. After a tiny sigh, Ventus brightens back up, his smile just as radiant as before. It's like watching a beach ball deflate and reinflate in high-speed. "Well, maybe next time then. And I've told you before," he adds, eyes squinting in a friendly grin, "Call me Ven."

"Right," Roxas amends, "Ven."

Ventus nods approvingly. "You didn't answer my question, though! What brings you to Radiant Garden? We never seem to just bump into you like this!"

Personally, Roxas could do with a little less bumping into Ventus with no warning. But that's a mean thing to feel, and Ventus has never been anything but nice to Roxas. He dips his chin and reaches up with a hand to rub his opposite shoulder, trying to assuage the guilt gnawing at him for struggling to look Ventus in the face.

"Xion and I are here to help Sora." And maybe it's difficult to look at Ventus too closely, but his curiosity to see his reaction to the topic of Sora is enough to make Roxas peek up through his bangs at Ventus's expression. "The uh, the lab guys thought the memories the two of us have from Sora might be able to help find him. Riku brought us."

There's a tenderness in Ventus's expression at the mention of Sora, one that's hard to pinpoint. But Roxas thinks he understands. Living in Sora's heart… well, it's hard not to feel a deep sort of something towards him after that. And Ventus spent more time in there than anyone.

"That's great, Roxas," Ventus says, and there isn't a drop of insincerity in his voice. "I'm sure that'll help! All those science guys are super smart, they'll for sure know how to find something with that!"

"Thanks. I hope so."

"I know so," Ventus assures. He raises his hands up, and a flash of alarm passes through Roxas, afraid he'll hug him or give him a shoulder-pat or some other touchy-feely display. But his hands just go up to brace casually behind his head in a very Sora-like manner. He tilts his head a little, bright eyes sharp with something that makes Roxas feel uncomfortably seen.

No, of course Ventus wouldn't just touch him. For as youthful and naive as he comes across, Roxas is quickly learning how intuitive and aware the guy is. He wouldn't just casually touch Roxas when he could probably tell from day one that he wouldn't appreciate it much.

"So… What brings you to Radiant Garden?" Roxas asks in an attempt to reciprocate in making friendly conversation.

"Aqua and Terra wanted to drop by Merlin's place to get some last things settled with him and everyone else before we head out."

"Head out? Where are you going?"

Ventus's unsettlingly familiar eyes quell into something like quiet resolve. "The Realm of Darkness," he answers simply. "We're going to look for Sora there. Or clues for him, at least."

"Oh. Wow," Roxas says, mind unhelpfully devoid of anything meaningful to say in response. The Realm of Darkness on its own is already a daunting task, but especially when Aqua… Wow.

"It won't be so bad," Ventus says, and this time his voice is only mostly sincere. "Not when we'll all have each other."

"I guess that's true."

Ventus nods, pauses to look Roxas over, and then drops his hands from behind his head to gesture over to some shops nearby. "You hungry? We could grab a bite."

"Ah -" The snake inside Roxas's chest springs up to wrap Roxas's heart like a vice and he tries to hide his panic at the prospect of spending an entire meal's worth of time with Ventus. All by himself. One-on-one with him. Actually, Roxas realizes, this is the first time the two of them have ever spoken on an individual basis like this. Maybe that's why he's feeling so jittery. "No I, uh -"

"Oh, no worries if now isn't a good time," Ventus swiftly says and Roxas is grateful that he'd had the grace to word things in a way that didn't require him to come up with a reason for why now isn't a good time. "But hey, we should try to get together sometime! I'd love to chat more."

It's a nudge. Tactful and sensitive, but a nudge nonetheless. Ventus wants to talk about stuff. Probably exactly all the stuff Roxas doesn't really want to think about.

But. "Sure," Roxas says, "We'll have to find some time."

Ventus nods, perking up once again. Roxas startles as a sudden burst of light appears near Ventus's face and tumbles into his arms.

"Well, if now's not a good time for you, now's still a good time for me," a tiny voice says. "I'm starving."

Roxas stares, blinking at the gray, plushlike cat creature that appeared without warning into Ventus's arms.

"Alright, alright," Ventus says with light exasperation. He hugs the creature close and smiles again at Roxas, one foot already shifting to turn away and end the conversation. "Sorry, Chirithy can be really insistent. But I'll catch you later! Maybe a text?"

Right. Chirithy. Roxas really does need to chat with Ventus. There's so much about this kid with his face - or rather, whose face he himself has - that he doesn't really know or understand yet. But maybe he needs to. Maybe it would help.

But it's too much right now. It… scares him.

"Yeah," Roxas says distantly. "Yeah, that sounds good, Ven. See you around."

Honestly, the memory scanning thing isn't all that bad. He just lies down on a reclined chair with some electrode things stuck to his head and takes a nap. And dreams. But it's no different than any other dreams Roxas has about Sora. Just memories filtering through.

And then he wakes up, Even and Ienzo and even Ansem thank him, say they'll look at the data and get back to him, and he's on his way. No overnight stay required after all.

Yet, despite the nap, Roxas feels utterly drained as they ride the Gummi ship back towards Twilight Town.

Xion's busy filling out the trip by recounting to Roxas all the things Olette has been telling her about school - what they can expect this year, basic classroom etiquette, which teachers will probably be nice and which ones to absolutely not mess around with. It's kind of like listening to a briefing on going to a new, exciting but hostile world for a mission. Normally, Roxas would be more interested, but right now the prospect of ensuring he doesn't expose himself as something not-quite-human to regular people just adds to his exhaustion. He finds himself absently nodding and making the occasional sound of acknowledgement as she speaks.

"Is everything alright, Roxas?" she eventually asks, petering off from her tales of detentions and principal's offices.

"What? Of course," he says, hastily sitting up straighter, blinking weariness from his eyes. When her anxious look doesn't fade, he wilts. "I'm sorry, Xion. I didn't mean to zone out. It sounds fun. I'm looking forward to it." Which he is. Just not at this precise moment.

She gives him a look that makes his insides squirm. She's worried. He's gone and worried her. From the corner of his eye, he catches Riku watching them silently from the pilot's seat.

"Really," Roxas insists, returning his full attention to Xion. "I'm alright. It's just," he shrugs noncommittally, but allows a little unhappiness to enter his smile in admission, "a lot to think about sometimes, you know? But I'm alright. Promise. Just need a good night's sleep and some ice cream when we get back."

Oh, a good night's sleep had better come easy. By time they get back, there's only going to be a night or two at most before school. Before jumping into brand new lives for real. Fatigue drapes over him at the thought. But it's a good thing, Roxas reminds himself. It's what he's always wanted. Axel even promised to take them out to eat after the first day to celebrate. It'll be fun. He tries to pass those more positive thoughts along to Xion, unspoken.

"Alright," Xion says after a moment. Her tone says she's not entirely content to drop the issue, but she glances back at Riku and lets it go. "You should take a nap now, though. You do really look tired."

"I'm fine," Roxas repeats but then nods, conceding.

As he shuffles himself into one of the little cots towards the back of the tiny ship, he can hear muffled voices coming from the cockpit. He isn't able to make out what Xion and Riku are talking about.

As he starts to drift, he can't shake the clenching unease in his stomach. Why is this so hard for him? To do these little things for Sora? He does want to help. So why does it feel like the soul is sucked out of him when he gets too close? Xion doesn't seem to have the same issue.

But then, Xion always did have an easier time accepting things as they are, accepting who she is and who she isn't and all the meaning attached to that.

She's so much stronger than Roxas in that way.

It's just past breakfast on the final day of summer vacation when Riku lands the Gummi ship in the mansion's courtyard back home in Twilight Town. Roxas had hoped they'd make it back with an extra day buffer to recoup before school, but he supposes he should be glad he's still got most of today at least.

The end of summer festival should be sometime tonight, and he feels a little energy return at the prospect of going with the Usual Spot crew. Axel promised to come, too! Which most likely means Isa will also be there, but that doesn't dampen his excitement. Fuzzy memories of pretzel sticks and street games play through the back of Roxas's mind but he tries to ignore them. Tonight he'll get to see it for real. For the first time. He doesn't want fake memories spoiling the new experience.

It's like the life in him returns to his body as he gets off the ship and his feet hit the soft grass. Home. Things to look forward to. His life.

But before he can abscond off to town with Xion, Riku catches him with a hand to his shoulder.

"Hey," Riku says, and Roxas's walls immediately erect at the loaded tone. "Mind if I steal you for a sec?"

His eyes narrow suspiciously but when he sees Xion - already halfway across the yard - give a curious look back, he waves his hand, letting her know to go on ahead.

"...Sure?" he says to Riku, unable to keep the question from his voice. Riku smiles at him and then looks off towards the treeline, rubbing his neck sheepishly. Which puts Roxas on even higher alert.

"Well," Riku says, "maybe more than just a second." And then he turns back to Roxas, hands sliding easily into his pockets, and the next thing he says is the last thing Roxas expects. "…Wanna hit the beach?"

"I gotta admit," Riku says, "It's not really what I was expecting."

Roxas snorts. He looks around pointedly at the tall conifers growing where the foliage opens to the great maw of water. "Don't tell me you actually thought there would be, like, palm trees and coconuts."

"I don't think I'm the only person who makes that association with the beach," Riku replies, obviously disgruntled. He looks down, brows creased like he's trying to solve a particularly boggling math equation, and digs a toe into the smooth pebbles at his feet. They whisper like rain against each other as they shift, displacing easily.

"The public areas of the beach have sand, but I'm pretty sure it's not natural," Roxas says and begins walking closer to where the water meets the shoreline, little rocks shifting under his feet. The loose terrain makes it difficult to move quickly along the shore, and there's definitely no building sandcastles. But there's also no sand sticking to every little thing it touches, which is nice. The audible shifting of stones behind him lets him know that Riku is following just a few feet back.

"It doesn't even smell like a beach."

That draws a genuine laugh out of Roxas and he looks over his shoulder, back at where Riku is making his way through the unsteady pebbles. He looks almost as off-balance as he did on the skateboard. "That's because it's not the ocean."

Riku's head shoots up from his deliberate footsteps to look out at the water. His eyebrows raise and then lower skeptically.

"It's true!" Roxas laughs again. When he gets right up to where the waves can't reach, he sits down and leans back on his hands, settling comfortably into the dry, cool stones. He looks out at the water. The mouth of the beach is surrounded by tall, stony cliffs that are cloaked in pines. But then the bay opens up to the horizon, seemingly forever, no opposing shore in sight as the waves roll in, capping white and breaking along the rocks.

"I feel like," Riku says as he sits down next to Roxas, a polite but noticeable distance between them, "you're hazing me again."

"I'm not!" Roxas insists and grins, pretending he wasn't just as surprised the first time he'd come out here with his friends. He stares fondly at the water. It's crystal clear near the shore and gradually darkens into something silvery and cool with distance. A far cry from the bright blue seas of Destiny Islands. "If you don't believe me, you can taste the water yourself. It's freshwater. It's just a big lake."

"I…" Riku trails off, frowning at the expanse as though it's committing an act of treason for daring not to have a visible end. As though for all the bizarre worlds he's seen, a freshwater sea is the limit to absurdity. Then grunts. "I'm not drinking lake water."

Roxas rolls his eyes with no real malice. As if you weren't going to drink pond water on your raft, he thinks. But that information is from a memory that doesn't belong to him, so what he says instead is, "Why'd you even want to come out here?"

"I just wanted to check in. Everything all right?"

Roxas stills. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you've seemed a little up- a little out of it since Radiant Garden." Riku's voice is light, carefully devoid of any sort of accusation. Like he's acutely aware that he's walking directly onto sharp glass. "Are you okay?"

Roxas's shoulders have tightened before Riku even finishes the question, fingers curling into the pebbles beneath him. An irrational flash of irritation makes him hot, and he doesn't respond immediately. Instead, he takes a breath to will the feeling away. When the worst of the heat passes, the familiar feeling of fangs prickling against his heart is left in its place.

Don't ask me how I'm doing when I've been trying to help you.

"I'm fine," he gets out. Even he can hear the defensiveness, the frustration in his voice. It's irrational and immature, but knowing it doesn't stop him from feeling it. His head and brows lower as he glowers at the steady waves.

Stones shift beside him. "You sure?"

"What do you want me to say, Riku?" Roxas snaps, squeezing his eyes shut. He sits up, takes the weight from his hands. Curls in on himself. His legs move into a position that would make it easy to get to his feet in an instant.

At first, Riku doesn't respond. Simply considers him and Roxas is tempted to just go. He's too tired for this.

"Is it me?" Riku asks just as Roxas is about to get to his feet. He rolls his eyes, this time malice fully included.

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Okay, then is it Sora?"

Roxas glares sharply at Riku from the corner of his eyes. Warningly. His mouth twitches, the snake in his chest awake and moving as his hackles raise. Too close. Don't get closer.

But Riku doesn't back away. He locks eyes and waits, guarded but calm.

"Not entirely," Roxas admits reluctantly when Riku doesn't give in.

"So he is part of it," Riku says. He doesn't sound surprised and for some reason that makes Roxas's teeth grind. Riku shifts to sit with one knee up, one arm draped over it while he rests back on the other. Like the two of them are old friends just hanging out after school. He gazes out at the red skyline. "What's the other part?"

Roxas debates the merits of not answering. He doesn't have to. He doesn't owe this conversation to Riku. He releases a sharp breath through his nose. "I ran into Ventus while we were there."

Riku's eyebrows jerk up slightly but he otherwise doesn't react, just waits for Roxas to elaborate.

"I just," Roxas attempts, digs the heel of his palm into his eye. "I don't know. It's just… weird." Uncomfortable. Scary. Threatening, somehow. "It's really weird."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Just - do you know what it's like? Seeing someone exactly like you?" Riku is perfectly still, perfectly expressionless as the words tumble from Roxas. "It was already a lot when it was just Sora, but now -" he stops when his voice catches around a tremor, shakes his head. Now it's like what little I had that was mine was actually just another bootleg photocopy. "It's just a lot."

Riku hums, thoughtful, neutral. "Yeah, I can imagine so."

It's really starting to piss Roxas off, the way Riku is acting. Too collected. He definitely came out here prepared for this conversation and it makes Roxas feel on edge, at a disadvantage. Ambushed.

"Why do you even care?" Roxas bites.

This gets Riku to frown. "Because I care about you."

"Do you?" Roxas laughs bitterly. His legs feel strung like primed springs, begging to leap up and leave. "Or do you care about Sora?"

It's a low blow and Riku's face darkens, a shadow of something flickers across his face before it returns to a place closer to neutral. But it doesn't quite make it all the way back to baseline. Riku lets the question sit in the air while he sifts a hand through the stones by his side. He selects one that's smooth and flat, considers it, and pitches it out to sea. It only skips once before catching on a wave and disappearing below the surface.

"I get it, Roxas," he says. "Maybe not exactly the way you do, but I do understand."

The serpent hisses inside Roxas at the way Riku directly ignores his question, regardless of the fact that he's not even sure he actually wanted an answer. He scowls and looks off to the woods, twisting his body away from Riku. His voice is subdued when he asks again, "...Do you?"

Silence. Shifting rocks. A tentative hand on his elbow.

Roxas whirls, kicking up a handful of stones as he jerks away from the touch, and stares at Riku incredulously.

Riku withdraws his hand and raises them both, palms out in submission, sits back to set distance between them again. Roxas eyes him with all the wariness of a wounded stray, challenging him to get close again, to try to assume anything about Roxas or the place Sora or Riku or anyone else have in his life. His life.

"No," Riku says slowly after several long seconds of silence. He shakes his head, backing down, and Roxas feels his muscles involuntarily relax. Just a little. "You're right, Roxas, I don't understand, not completely." He shrugs a little helplessly. "I can't. It's not possible, not totally. But," and his expression twists into something so painful, so earnest, that Roxas can't help but listen, "I can imagine. I can relate, even if it's not exactly the same."

And I want to, is the implication he leaves unspoken. Roxas catches it anyway.

"I…" Roxas's eyes squint, cheeks grimacing against the hurt that rings hollow through him as he looks at Riku and the distance between them. And simultaneously he sees Riku's confident grin and devotion, feels the way the muscles in his arm flex to keep him in a playful headlock, hears the judgment in his words as they echo through a rainy city, tastes the darkness that surrounds him and pins him down. "...I just…"

Familiar, bitter confusion washes again through Roxas's heart, leaving him lost at sea. Needles prick behind his eyes and he casts them up to the sky, blinking rapidly against the cascade of conflicting emotions that flood him. He wants to cry, to stamp an overtired foot on the ground like a small child, to pull Riku into an embrace and seek comfort in someone familiar, to shove him away and hurt him in all the ways he's hurt Roxas.

Anger wins out.

"You took everything from me." The words burst from Roxas like venom. He bares his teeth as he jerks his head to glare at Riku with burning eyes. "I know I - I know maybe it wouldn't have mattered in the end and nothing would have changed, but you never even gave me the chance to try! You took that from me! For Sora. You took everything I had left and gave it up - forced me to give up the shred I had left of myself to give to Sora." Roxas is on his feet, can't remember getting up, can barely hear himself over the rushing in his ears as long held emotions finally break to the surface and only distantly does he notice how small Riku looks, still sitting on the ground. "You took my choice away! Because you chose Sora!" His voice breaks around Sora's name but he swallows the sob, refuses to cry as his fingernails dig into his trembling fists. "And you think you get to tell me that you care about me, now?"

Riku doesn't move to stand, just stares up at Roxas, jaw slack and eyes wide and bright under pinched brows in an expression caught between agony and awe. He closes and opens his mouth. Fails to say anything. Looks away, off at nothing, but swiftly reconnects their eyes. He's nothing short of begging when he says, "I do care."

"I know you do!" Roxas's voice echoes across the bay and he turns away, shoves his forearm against his eyes as he squeezes them shut. Of course Riku cares. Riku cares about everyone. He just cares about Sora most. "That's why it hurts."

For a stretch that Roxas doesn't know how to quantify, neither of them say anything else. There's only the sound of waves, of Roxas's ragged breathing, and the heavy pounding of his heart.

"Roxas, I-"

Roxas spins, light and darkness flashing in his hands as he summons his keyblades. Riku is still on the ground when Roxas points Oblivion down at his chest.

"Fight me," Roxas demands, ignoring the way his heart throbs when Riku's eyes widen. "And no cheating this time." His posture wilts, voice weakens. "Please."

Shock melts into dismay in Riku's features. Then dismay into resolve. His lips thin and he nods, carefully gets to his feet. He doesn't summon his own weapon immediately. Instead, he takes a moment to absorb Oathkeeper and Oblivion. Longing and loneliness paint a complicated picture on his face. When his gaze falls on Oblivion, it lingers there.

Releasing a heavy breath through his nose, Riku steps into a fighting stance and Braveheart takes shape in his hand.

"Okay," he says grimly. "Let's do this."

Riku's back slams hard into the stoney shore, followed by Oathkeeper and Oblivion, crossed over his throat as their teeth dig deep into the ground. Roxas gasps for breath, leaning heavily into his keyblades as he kneels, straddled across Riku's chest to keep him pinned. He stares down at him and sweat rolls past his temple, drips from his chin onto Riku's shirt.

The loose terrain of the beach had made the fight absolute hell. Roxas's left leg sings with pain where he tore something trying to do a Reversal on the rocks, only to slide too far, too fast. Still, he'd managed to use the momentum to hammer Oathkeeper along the ground and send a spray of cobble into Riku's face. And that had been the deciding factor to end the fight. Just enough of a distraction for Roxas to get in one final blow.

Blood streaks from Riku's temple, brow, chin, cheek, everywhere the stones had caught him. His chest heaves as he looks blearily up at Roxas and lets Braveheart disintegrate. The split in his lip opens a little wider when he tugs his mouth into a weak smile.

"You win."

Roxas grimaces in return. Using Oblivion as a brace, he pulls himself up. Or tries to. His wounded leg immediately gives and he stumbles back to the ground, sucking a sharp breath through his teeth. But he manages to twist himself into a seated position beside Riku and dismisses his keyblades.

Riku's eyes are closed and, for a second, Roxas thinks he's fallen unconscious. But when he leans over him, Riku's eyes flutter back open, flicking between Roxas's eyes. Waiting.

"Alright," Roxas murmurs. "Curaga."

As the lotus of magic blooms over them, he hears Riku sigh in an echo of the relief that rushes through Roxas's own body. Torn tendons and ligaments in his leg stitch together, bruises fade, a cracked rib straightens out. It doesn't do the job completely - he can still feel an overall ache and exhaustion that would have been fully cured by an elixir, but it's not like he came out here prepared for a fight. It'll have to do.

For a short while, neither of them move. Just remain next to each other, catching their breaths. And then Riku pushes himself up into a sitting position, looks Roxas over, returns his gaze to the ground. And then more silence.

"Are you okay?" Roxas finally asks, quietly.

Riku shrugs. He smiles softly, wryly. "I've had worse."

"No, I mean…" Roxas hesitates, licks his lips, and finishes the question he didn't ask in Twilight Town. "...in general. Are you okay?"

Riku's smile drops, eyes widen a little, before he drops his head to a hand and laughs weakly.

"What?" Roxas says defensively.

Riku shakes his head and when he answers, his voice is alarmingly thin. "Sorry. It's nothing." When he gets narrowing eyes in response, he shrugs helplessly. "Just, the fact that now you're asking me."

Riku laughs again in that weird, broken way. Brings his other hand up to his face and presses his palms to his eyes and before Roxas is able to think of a response, Riku does the unthinkable and actually starts to cry.

Roxas freezes - eyes wide and shock-still like a deer - and completely bluescreens. Too shocked to think not to, he finds himself rapidly flipping through memories to find any time where Riku's cried, and to his horror, can't recall a single instance since that one stormy night when he was twelve years old.

Mouth suddenly parched, Roxas presses his tongue against his teeth, swallows around the rapid humming of his pulse in his throat. He needs to say something. He lifts a hand, hating the way his fingers tremble as he starts to reach out. Hesitates. Say something!

"I miss him," Riku chokes, head low, eyes covered, oblivious to Roxas's reaching hand. The words come out like a desperate confession, an admission to some sort of wrongdoing and Roxas's head feels wrong, like his thoughts are all coming to him two seconds too slow to keep up. "I really, really miss him."

There's no need to ask who Riku means and for some reason that cuts, makes Roxas's own breath falter and he prays Riku doesn't notice. Roxas swallows again, throat tight and, why can't he just think of something to say?

But he doesn't have to, because Riku continues unprompted. "He's been gone before, but not like this and I -" his voice catches on a tight, hitching sound and he doesn't finish. Shoulders shaking, he rolls his head even lower, takes an uneven breath. When he speaks again, his voice is a little more controlled and it sounds like he's jumped to a new thought instead of committing to the previous one. "And I miss Kairi. I know she's fine and I'm glad she's safe and helping but…"

But it leaves Riku without anyone to talk to, Roxas concludes numbly. He could ask about the King, but he realizes he already knows why that doesn't really help. It's not the same.

So then what did Riku do last time, during that year Sora was asleep? Abjectly, Roxas realizes he can't bring himself to seek the answer, not even now. For all he desperately wants to know the answers about himself, he's afraid to know all the answers about Riku.

There's a prolonged second where Roxas simply stares at Riku, dumbstruck. And then instinct takes over. Muscle memory from the countless times Roxas has never done this but Sora certainly has; Roxas rolls forward on his knees and pulls Riku into a hug.

Hugging Riku is like hugging a rock or a chunk of ice. But even as he goes stiff and unresponsive in Roxas's arms, a sense of rightness and warmth floods through Roxas and he has no idea why. Maybe it's the part of him that came from Sora or maybe it's from himself and he's still just learning the ins and outs of what that means. He has no idea, but what he does know is that Riku's body feels so familiar and that his own fits against Riku's bends and blocky angles like it was designed to. That even despite the stones digging into his knees and the uncomfortable way he has to twist his spine, he mostly just feels the comfort of relief.

And that, with his cheek brushing against Riku's and his hands pressing into the curve of his back, the viper that's made a home inside his heart settles and rattles in a way that feels more like a purr than any sort of warning.

When Riku melts into him, Roxas's heart thumps with a joyful sense of purpose and belonging. It's ridiculous - he'd just been yelling at him, just been fighting him until they were both exhausted and bloody. But now, feeling the wetness of Riku's tears against his own cheek, his heart only seems to care about the fact that Riku's hands shake a little less once they find a comfortable place around Roxas's shoulders.

Memories connect in rapid little fires. So many hugs: playful, comforting, desperate, scared, affectionate. None of them are Roxas's.

It's only a short moment before Riku's hands move. They shift from lying flat against Roxas's shoulder blades to pull him close, to gently but firmly gripping the top of his shoulders to push him away.

Roxas recoils at the rejection, hastily pulling back to sit painfully back into the stones, scooting just a bit further away than before. Mortified. His stomach clenches and rolls around angry moths, his face heats and he can't look up from the ground. Why did he do that?

But a hand returns to one of Roxas's shoulders, gives him a little shake.

"Roxas, no, listen."

Roxas looks up. He doesn't know what face he's making, but pain dashes across Riku's when he sees it.

"I need to," Riku starts, halts, starts again in a staccato as he tries to find the right words. "I need to apologize, Roxas. I. I just." His eyes are so bright in the twilight, deep like the ocean and just as dangerous and beautiful. But his voice is reedy and simple and honest. "I never gave you the apology you deserve. I - I'm truly, so sorry for what I did to you. You deserved better than that. And I am so, so sorry."

Roxas doesn't respond right away. His mind is uncharacteristically quiet, and if he didn't know what to say before, he absolutely doesn't know what to say now. It's not that he doesn't have anything to say. It's that there's so much to say, neither his head nor heart feel capable of putting it in words.

"But you would do it again," are the words he does find. They're probably not the right ones.

Guilt and remorse play equal parts in the complicated expression that contorts Riku's face. His fingers dig a little into Roxas's shoulders and he looks down at the stones between them. Roxas looks at them, too. The red sunlight catches through an agate and it reminds Roxas of his clocktower sunsets when clouds streak lines across the sky.

"Yeah." Riku's voice is quiet. Solemn. "I would."

Oddly, the words lift an unknown weight from Roxas's shoulders and he finds himself nodding. Finding strength in the strange sense of gratitude at Riku's honesty, he raises his chin to see Riku's bowed head, the way his hair falls over his eyes as he uses his free hand to scrub his cheeks dry. And then very carefully, Roxas raises a hand to tap his fingers gently against the back of Riku's, where it remains gripped around Roxas's shoulder.

"Yeah," Roxas says. He almost finishes with 'it's okay,' but he's not really sure it is, so he doesn't. He understands, though. And with Riku's willingness to leave the ugly truth out in the open, Roxas feels his anger wane to acceptance. At least for today. Tomorrow might be different, but today he lets the anger fade, so all that remains in his voice is that same honesty in return. "I get it."

This time, it's Riku who pulls Roxas in for a hug. It doesn't feel familiar or right like the last one. Riku keeps his body mostly pulled back as he wraps his arms around Roxas, and Roxas doesn't really know what to do with his hands to reciprocate. Settles on just lightly resting them against Riku's sides, accepting the hug but not really returning it. It's awkward. But in its awkwardness, it clearly speaks the message Riku wants to convey.

'I'm sorry,' and 'thank you.'

No, the hug is not familiar or right, but foreign and something distinctly just the two of them. Roxas pulls away first, looks off towards the vast lake. He hopes the red and orange glow of the horizon hides the pink he feels heating his ears.

"It's getting late," he says. "I wanna get back before the festival starts."

Riku jolts, as if suddenly remembering who and where they are. Then nods as he gets to his feet, holds out a hand to help Roxas up.

Roxas takes it.

Before they go, Riku pauses to look out at the water a final time. "You know, I wonder if it would've worked if our ocean was like this."

At Roxas's questioning glance, he shrugs and grins nostalgically out at the waves.

"Our raft. Sora, Kairi, and I were going to take a raft we built off the island." He snorts, shakes his head. "It was stupid. We'd've run out of water so fast. But if the ocean was freshwater like this…" Riku shrugs, then rolls his eyes at himself. "Even if the stupid thing didn't completely capsize, we never would've made it anywhere. All we were planning to bring with us were a few canteens and a couple coconuts."

"Yeah," Roxas says and smiles wryly. "I know. I remember."

Riku's head jerks to look down at him, eyebrows high. Again, something passes behind his eyes. Something Roxas still can't read, but he doesn't think it's anything bad. And then Riku lets out an amused little huff.

"Right," he says.

By time they get back to town, the festival has already begun, but there's still more than plenty left to catch before the night is over. Giddy excitement drowns out any lingering fatigue Roxas had been feeling earlier, eyes already jumping around to the different stalls and games.

Riku bows out gracefully, says he's going to turn in early for the night, and slips away to leave Roxas to enjoy the night like he'd planned, with his friends. And it doesn't take Roxas long to find them. Xion chastises him for being late, while Hayner insists they need to compete at one of the game stalls before the biggest prize gets taken. When they're thoroughly bested by what appears to be an elementary school child, Axel laughs from where he's been watching from the sidelines with Isa and gives them ice cream as a consolation prize.

It's Olette who asks to borrow Roxas's Gummiphone so she can take a picture when Pence is the first to win at a game. And, feeling lighter than he has in a long while, that's when Roxas notices the text on the screen.

The beach was fun. It was cool to see. Thank you again for helping Sora.

-Riku

It's abysmally formal and Roxas hopes that's not how he normally texts. But it still creates a swelling pressure in his chest, and feels another purr-like rattle echo through his heart. He types out a quick response.

No prob! Anytime :)

As he passes the phone off to Olette, Roxas makes a mental note to himself to text Riku now and then. Maybe that'll help give him at least one person to talk to. One that isn't so directly tied to dealing out orders or reminding Riku of duty and responsibilities.

A friend.

The moment school starts, time lurches forward at a dizzying speed. Roxas had thought he'd gotten pretty good at interacting with people, but it's a little different when he's suddenly surrounded by so many other kids his age, passing around in-jokes and gossip and communicating in hidden little cues that feel like a whole new language to learn. But Xion's there in the same position, so they have each other to lean on while they fumble through the first few weeks. And Hayner, Pence, and Olette help them both navigate every confusing, exciting step of the way.

And past the initial culture-shock, Roxas feels something growing inside him, pushing against his ribs like his body isn't quite big enough to hold in such a powerful feeling. But it has him smiling more often, laughing both with his friends and even the peers he's just starting to know. He finds himself too busy to do much reflecting on conflicting emotions and memories. Instead, he feels himself collecting brand new memories and adding them to a pool in his heart that's purely his own and starts to think maybe he can do this after all. This whole being-a-person thing.

Of course, there's still keyblade training and sparring with Axel and Xion in the mansion courtyard. Occasional trips to Radiant Garden to have memories sorted through - though thankfully Even and Ienzo find a way to get a lot of that same process set up on Ansem's computer in the Twilight Town mansion's basement to cut down on world-hopping while they try to keep up with classes. But even still, Roxas starts to think maybe he can enjoy some sense of the normality he'd craved during all those days in the Organization.

He keeps his promise to himself and makes a point to stay in touch with Riku outside his infrequent visits to Twilight Town. Timing phone calls can be a challenge across worlds if they want to avoid waking each other up in the middle of the night or interrupting class. And since Riku's always moving from place to place, Roxas mostly just sticks to texting, no matter how bad Riku is at it. Though occasionally Riku surprises him with a response or emoji that gets a genuine laugh out of him.

But Roxas does get an actual phone call from Riku a little over a month into the school year. He nearly misses it. It wakes him up hours after falling asleep but hours before he needs to rise for school and he has to scramble to accept the call in time. He's yanking the blanket down from his window to let light in the room as the screen pulls up Riku's face.

"H'llo?" Roxas groggily says, blinking against the sudden light and sleep in his eyes.

"Hi Roxas, I - oh. Sorry. Did I wake you up?"

"S'fine. What's going on?" Riku's never called him directly before, and the sudden change puts a knot of anxiety in Roxas's throat.

"Oh don't wor- it's, I got some good news and wanted to let you know." Riku pauses, takes in Roxas's bedhead and rumpled pajamas. The glimpse of Radiant Garden that Roxas can see behind him is bright with midday. "It's nothing urgent. If now's not a good time, I can call you later. Or you can call me if that's easier."

By now, Roxas has most of the sleep shaken from his system and he knows he won't be able to find it again if he's got lingering curiosity, so he shakes his head and smiles tiredly. "Nah, it's fine. What's up?"

"Well, I'd wanted to tell you and Xion together, but…" Riku hesitates, chagrined, but sighs and continues anyway. "I don't want to wake her up if it's late there. I'll try calling her later. But, Cid had some luck getting stuff on his computer sorted that he thinks will help find Sora. So we've got another promising breakthrough."

Roxas's heart skips a beat and he feels exactly what he sees reflected in Riku's voice and eyes. Hope. Something that Roxas hasn't seen much of in Riku since, well, maybe not ever through his own eyes. Certainly not since Sora went missing.

"That's awesome," Roxas breathes.

Riku's eyes are sparkling as he smiles back. "Yeah. There's still a lot of stuff to do - I'll be doing a lot more work here with his data, but, yeah it's a really good step and I just, I wanted to let you know."

"That's awesome, Riku," Roxas repeats, unable to reign in the smile that spreads over his cheeks. "Thank you."

"I'll let you go," Riku says, the world behind him spinning on screen as he begins walking somewhere. "I really didn't mean to wake you up, sorry. I wasn't thinking about what time - well, I just was excited to let you know."

"Seriously, no worries. Thanks for calling to tell me."

Riku's eyes squint with something warm - something fond - and nods. "Thanks. Get back to bed. See you later, Roxas."

"See you. G'night." Roxas says and only realizes after Riku hangs up that it makes no sense to wish him a good night. Whatever.

Many bright and warm and sparkly feelings are rolling around inside Roxas as he hangs the sheet back up over his window and crawls back under the covers. The sleepy haze still clouding through most of his head and body allows emotions to swim around unchallenged and he tangles his hands together over his heart, smiling into his pillow.

Progress towards Sora. One step closer to bringing him home. And maybe he'll finally get to actually know this person who he knows everything about, but has never truly known. At least, not as a friend. But feels like one anyway. The person responsible for everything, at least for Roxas. And any complicated feelings that come along with can be for later, because right now he's just happy to feel the light of good news.

And the fondness in Riku's eyes carries a tingling warmth down Roxas's spine that spreads through his chest and belly. Riku had wanted to call Roxas personally, had wanted to share the moment of happiness with him. Again, his heart swells too large for his ribcage, but he's starting to appreciate the pleasant tightness it makes.

And as he adds this new memory with Riku to his growing reservoir of memories that are all his own, he watches as the good memories they have together slowly begin to outnumber the bad ones.

He's still smiling when he falls asleep. He doesn't even mind when his teacher scolds him for nodding off during class the next day.

It's another month before Riku returns to Twilight Town again. Roxas almost doesn't believe the glimpse he catches of the Gummi ship passing overhead during his afternoon classes. Riku hasn't mentioned anything about coming by, but then, Riku's texts have sort of… begun falling off ever since that excited phone call about Cid's new computer project. Roxas will still text every now and then, but Riku's replies are intermittent at best. Half the time, the texts go completely ignored.

Roxas has been trying not to take it personally. He knows Riku's busy. There's a lot on his plate with everything involving Sora. And the computer stuff sounds like a lot of work. Roxas should probably be busier himself, doing more to help the search. But.

But.

He doesn't allow the thought to go any further.

He waits out the current class and quietly dips out of school before the next one begins. He'll probably get detention for it later if Hayner's record is anything to go by. Whatever, he's been kinda curious about what detention is like anyway.

He's not really expecting Riku to still be on the Gummi ship when he gets to the clearing out front of the mansion. But it's parked with the ramp down, so with a quick use of Oathkeeper, Roxas lets himself on board to check, just in case.

And he finds him there, slumped over the dashboard, head in his arms. Asleep.

Roxas reaches out to shake him awake but stops, frowns when he takes him in. Riku has already been looking unwell since Sora's disappearance, but now he looks downright haggard. Deep rings circle his eyes like bruises, his cheekbones more prominent than Roxas remembers and he wonders how much he's been sleeping or eating.

His hair looks unwashed and it blows in little puffs with his breath, reminds Roxas of a time when Riku was maybe thirteen or fourteen. He'd caught pneumonia, breathing in wheezy little puffs, and he - Sora - had visited every day once Riku wasn't contagious anymore. Would sit next to Riku on the couch and chatter away until he fell asleep again, and then run a hand through Riku's unwashed hair with a confused sense of wonder. And once as he did so, Riku woke, fever-glazed eyes looking up at him in awe.

Roxas catches his hand only inches from where it's reaching for Riku's hair. Lips and brows pinching, he shoves his hands deep in his pockets and uses a foot to gently kick Riku's ankle until he jerks awake.

"Wha - Roxas?" Riku says, disoriented and blinking sleep from his eyes, hand held out like he's prepared to summon his keyblade. He only drops it back to his side when Roxas gives his boot another little kick for good measure.

"You look like shit," Roxas informs him.

"Thanks," Riku grunts. He's got a line down his cheek from where his sleeve left an imprint. "Good to see you, too. Why are you on my ship?"

Roxas shrugs. "Saw you fly over. Haven't heard much from you in a while." He looks Riku up and down with a pointed stare. "Seriously, you look awful."

Riku scowls but doesn't say anything, just yawns.

"You're overworking yourself," Roxas says. He doesn't need to ask why.

"It's fine, it's just for now, just until we get some answers from Cid's program."

"How long will that take?"

Riku doesn't answer.

"Right." Roxas takes a sharp breath through his nose, feels that familiar snake of emotion stir awake for the first time in a while and bites back a comment about how Sora wouldn't want Riku doing this to himself. Because even if it's true, that's not what's causing his stomach to boil. No, Roxas is mad about it. And not just for Sora's sake.

But yelling at Riku won't solve anything. At best, he'll just double down and try even harder, because he's stubborn and stupid and devoted to a fault. Roxas knows firsthand the lengths he'll go, sacrificing his own values and needs and heart for Sora's.

And Roxas knows how much it hurts to be on the other side of that devotion; Axel had done just the same for him while he'd watched through Sora's eyes, unable to do anything to stop him. Until there was literally nothing of him left.

"Come on," Roxas says. "Let's go get some ice cream."

"I've never actually been up here," Riku admits, looking over the ledge of the clocktower.

Roxas just hums in response, already busying himself with pulling the wrapper from his ice cream. He allows himself a short moment to let the world around him drop away and enjoy the first familiar burst of flavor. It's become sort of a ritual. Brings him back to those first days with Axel and, at the same time, grounds him here in this moment. And when he lets the world back in, Riku is sitting down beside him in Xion's usual place.

"It is really pretty," Riku says, "Even if it does seem like a hazard." He takes a few tentative nibbles at the corner of his ice cream bar, pauses, head tilting a little at the flavor. "It… sorta reminds me of the Islands, when we'd watch the sunset. Me, Kairi, and Sora."

"Yeah…" Roxas says, barely audible. Flickers of the sunsets Riku's referring to seem to overlay across the present sky. The sea salt on his tongue makes the effect even more vivid and Roxas wonders if part of him enjoys this because Sora did. But it's not something he wants to admit to himself, much less Riku.

Besides, Axel's the one who showed him this first, and that's a memory completely separate from Sora. And one of his most precious, one he doesn't want to share.

"Do… you remember that?" Riku asks cautiously, like he knows he shouldn't ask.

It should make him mad, but instead Roxas just feels heavy, like the question makes gravity work overtime. He takes another bite of his ice cream and nods.

"...Huh," is all Riku has to say about it.

"I miss him too, you know," Roxas says. "Sora."

Riku stills. From the corner of his eye, Roxas sees him turn his head to examine him, but Roxas keeps his gaze fixed out at the horizon.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Roxas says, nods. He looks down and kicks his feet. Scales slide around his heart, making his chest feel tight. "It's. I feel bad. That I'm h- that he's not here. I - it really bothers me," he attempts lamely, only managing a complete understatement. "I… I hope we find him soon."

"...Me too."

"But you know he still wouldn't want you overworking yourself for him," he adds, unable to stop himself this time.

Riku tenses beside him, but before he can say anything, another voice makes them both jump.

"Well, now here's a face you don't see up here, often. Or ever."

"Lea!"

"Axel!"

"In the flesh," Axel says, grinning as he makes his way to sit in his usual spot at Roxas's side. There's nothing unusual or off about his posture or tone, but Roxas can feel the intensity of Axel's eyes on him.

He's too good at that - almost as good at reading people as Naminé, but hidden under a casual facade. Probably something he picked up in his decade as the Organization's assassin. It's one of Axel's best and worst traits, in Roxas's opinion. But he's getting better at noticing when those green eyes are working through quick equations, and he sees them solving something as they flick between Riku and Roxas, already halfway through their ice creams. Roxas would elbow Axel in the ribs if Riku wasn't right here.

There's a moment where something clicks in place, like he's come to a conclusion, and then Axel looks casually off to the sunset and pulls out an ice cream bar of his own, humming idly like this is all very normal and he is, in fact, completely used to Riku being up here with them.

Riku, for his part, has gone shy and quiet and too-polite next to Roxas. Honestly, it's absurd and obnoxious how cool he looks in Sora's memories, because he's a far cry from whatever sparkly lens Sora had spent his years looking at him with. The further Riku acts from the ways Sora found natural, the more Roxas has to sort his way through muddied impressions of Riku that try to overlay on top of the reality of him. It's confusing.

For a short while, the three of them just eat in silence. Regrettably, Roxas runs out of ice cream first, which leaves him with the duty of finding small talk. Mostly about school, because that's what's been eating up most of his life these days. At least as far as light-hearted topics go. Whether through the kindness of his heart or from a need to ease the painful awkwardness, Axel makes quick work of his own ice cream to better join in. Several magnitudes better at small talk than Roxas, the stifling air around them eases pretty quickly once Axel gets chatting about everything and nothing.

And once Xion joins, it's like a final layer of an uncomfortably heavy blanket is lifted. She hesitates only briefly when she sees Riku in her normal spot, then brightens as she settles beside Riku. Her being there seems to be the piece of the equation that Riku needs to shed the tension he's retreated behind, and he finally eases into fully engaging in the conversation, makes jokes and laughs with the rest of them.

He's not perfectly in sync with the three of them. He doesn't pick up on the same subtle cues they've spent so long learning and adopting from each other. There are references and conversation points that go over his head. But it's no longer uncomfortable, and it isn't long before Roxas catches Riku's real smile return and some of that fatigue leave his body. Maybe all he's needed is a little space for low-stakes connection and fun.

Roxas can give him that much.

For all that he experiences déjà vu, Roxas isn't entirely sure he understands it.

It's feeling like you've experienced something before when you actually haven't, is what Axel told him once. But with all Roxas's blurred and fake and real-but-not-his-own memories, sometimes he can't trust the feeling. Is it really déjà vu when that unreal feeling of familiarity is coming from something, or someone, not entirely himself? If it did actually happen, just not to him?

And then there are times like now, feet shifting in pale sands as he stands on the beach of Destiny Islands. It's not his first time here, not even since getting his replica body. But that sense of déjà vu never really goes away while he's here. Can't decide if it makes him love the place or hate it.

"Wanna race?" Riku asks with a grin, playfully shouldering Roxas as he walks up to him.

Roxas looks up at him and for a flash, he's not sure if he's dreaming again, if this is a vivid memory of Sora's that he's living out. Half expects to see brown bangs in his eyes as his hair shifts in the ocean breeze.

And at the same time, this disorienting feeling… he's sure it's not déjà vu, because when he sees Riku smiling back at him - his ocean-water eyes bright and silver hair blinding in the sun - it's the opposite feeling. He knows he's seen this before, at least in memories, but it feels completely foreign and unknown.

Jamais vu, Axel's voice in Roxas's mind supplies. When something you have experienced before feels unfamiliar or new. Got it memorized?

"Uh, sure," Roxas says and then feels an involuntary grin split his face, wider and toothier than normal. "But you gotta be the one to empty Highwind's exhaust tank when you lose."

He takes off across the sand before either Riku or himself have time to process the challenge and playful stakes. He doesn't have to think about the quickest path to the crooked paopu tree; his legs know the way better than his brain does.

When his hand slaps against the tree trunk, Riku's is right beside it and Roxas honestly isn't sure who tagged it first. He's laughing, bent over and panting for breath and so is Riku next to him - so close he can feel Riku's breathy laughs against his skin.

As Roxas wipes sweat from his forehead, the world spins a little under a rough slap of confusion. Because he's done this before, hundreds of times, but no he hasn't, not once, never. He remembers it, it's like coming home, it's foreign and new and he's never laughed so easily with Riku like this before, except for the thousands of times that he has. Déjà vu and jamais vu. Déjà vu. Jamais vu. Déjà vu. It's both, it's neither. It's making him feel a little sick.

Taking a deliberate, gulping breath, he straightens up and stares at the rings on his fingers to remind himself that, yes, it's him. He's Roxas. Not Sora. Roxas.

"Alright, alright, I'll give you this one," Riku laughs, and if Roxas wasn't busy tethering his sense of self to reality, he'd be annoyed by the fact that Riku's handing him a win that he may or may not have actually earned.

But he lets it go, because it's fall break and he's on vacation here at Riku's invitation, and because hey, this means he won't have to touch any Gummi ship waste.

And because, for the first time since Cid's computer project began, Riku is actually looking a bit healthier. His hair and clothes are washed and fresh and the shadows under his eyes aren't nearly so dark. Evidence that he has been taking better care of himself the past few weeks. So he gets a little leeway that Roxas wouldn't normally grant.

"Good," Roxas says and his voice is only a little breathless. Something that can easily pass off as being winded from the sprint. "That makes the score 2-0."

Riku raises an eyebrow and leans back against the curve of the tree, arms crossing like he always does. And he's still standing really close. Roxas shifts a little along the curve of the trunk to put a little breathing room between them. If Riku notices, he doesn't show.

"Where's the two come from?" Riku asks, amused.

Roxas raises his chin. "I won at the beach, too. In Twilight Town."

"Uh-huh. Didn't realize we were keeping score then."

Roxas opens his mouth to retort, but stops short when he notices the way Riku is looking at him. Something is in Riku's eyes again and this time Roxas isn't sure he likes it. It awakens the snake that lives inside his chest, makes it squirm and twist around his heart. Makes him pause and stare.

Too late now to say something in response without it being weird, Roxas just rolls his eyes halfheartedly. He's about to push himself up to sit on the bent tree trunk, be jerks the motion ungracefully into a different direction, leans his elbows back against the tree instead. Sitting up on the trunk would be… it's too familiar.

Because the universe hates Roxas sometimes, Riku does notice the clumsy movement, brows rising in some sort of captious disbelief. Then that something leaves Riku's eyes, head tilting a little before his casual air returns and he looks out at the bright blue ocean.

Roxas narrows his eyes as he finally begins to pin down what that something might be.

But he pockets his suspicions. If he's correct, he's not sure he wants it confirmed.

Instead, he lets Riku fill him in on Sora progress while his chest snake slithers around his ribs like useless jail cell bars. But the conversation moves to other things relatively quickly, and the uncomfortable feeling settles down while they compare what detention is like between Roxas's school and what Riku remembers from the time he'd gotten detention years ago.

The rest of the day goes much the same way. Riku tours Roxas around the play island and in each location Roxas tries to keep up his end of the conversation while parsing through the familiar and unfamiliar, like trying to pull two gradient threads apart from each other that have been caught in a lump of yarn. One that's been left to tangle for years.

More than once, Roxas finds himself blinking through a haze of nostalgia, shaking off the sense of another life as he reacts automatically to things he's not sure he even knows how to react to. And more than once, he catches Riku staring at him with something in his eyes, something behind his smile. But it always passes so quickly, Roxas is never positive he's not imagining it.

It's not Roxas's first time on Destiny Islands, but it is his first time here alone with Riku. Maybe that's why…

When they climb across the slow-rotting wood of the treehouses, Roxas makes a dry comment about the Islands surviving darkness better than rain, which for some reason makes Riku laugh and reach out to ruffle Roxas's hair. Simultaneously too welcome and extremely unwelcome, Roxas stiffens at the familiar gesture, but Riku has already turned away and is motioning for him to follow and check out the upper levels of the tree fort.

Later however, when Roxas is skimming his hand gently along the decorated walls of the Secret Place, he skitters away when he catches Riku reaching towards him from the corner of his eye. Riku pauses, glances at his own hand as if it doesn't belong to him, and then slides both hands into his pockets, carrying on with his explanation of a particular childish cave-drawing as though nothing happened. But he keeps a polite breadth of space between them after that. Doesn't try again.

Even though the play island is anything but big, it's dusk by time they settle into the soft sands between the docks and the bridge to the small island. There's not as much distance between them as when they sat together on Twilight Town's beach. But they don't feel too close to each other, either.

Roxas has seen hundreds of sunsets, but it still fills him with wonder. And the sunset is different here, painted with deep purples and blues to compliment the familiar reds as the sun sinks below the ocean. Low enough for the stars to begin appearing above them, but high enough to make the clouds pink and the environment still easily visible.

"Sometimes I do miss the stars," Roxas admits, head craned back to watch them fill in the darkening sky.

"Yeah?" Riku says, tilting his own head back to consider them. Caution tightens the edges of his words when he asks, "...from… the World That Never Was?"

Roxas begins to nod absentmindedly but pauses, frowns. When he stops to think about it… in hindsight, he rarely saw stars in the World That Never Was. The city's skies were always too overcast, too dampened by city lights. He couldn't have been thinking about his view from the Castle. Must have been thinking about…

He doesn't want to admit it, so he just shrugs and nods anyway.

From his periphery, he notices Riku's head turn a fraction towards him, staring at Roxas from the corner of his eyes. Roxas's gut clenches, sensing that Riku noticed that his answer didn't track. A boil of irritation heats his stomach - Riku walked him right into that.

The irritation only pinches hotter when Riku allows the answer to go unchallenged, something flashing and dying quickly in his eyes as he turns his attention back overhead. "The stars are nice," Riku says. "Guess I kinda took them for granted most of my life."

Roxas doesn't have any doubt now. Those glances and tiny expressions and that something that he can't quite describe… They show up every time Roxas himself catches the same thing. Anytime something in Roxas slips and a layer pulls back to show a little bit of Sora still underneath.

Fangs pierce through Roxas's heart, pain quick and sharp and hot. His throat feels tight and he should just let it go, he knows that, but -

"Guess Sora did, too." Roxas's voice is like an over-strung bow, one twist away from snapping. Riku stiffens and Roxas can see the realization of his overstep ripple through his body.

"Roxas, I-"

"Who do you see when you look at me, Riku?" Roxas asks bluntly. The sharpness of his tone cuts off any further protest Riku might attempt. He's not letting this go. He's getting his answer.

Riku falls silent, looks down at the sand. There's a moment where he says nothing, where Roxas's stomach coils painfully on itself, clenching into knot after knot until it collects in his gut like a boulder. And then Riku raises his eyes to meet Roxas's and looks at him. Really looks at him with an intensity that nearly makes him look away.

"I see you, Roxas." There's no waver or hesitation in Riku's voice. No hint of doubt or uncertainty.

"But I remind you of him." It's not a question.

Riku sighs, draws his knees to his chest and looks away, releasing Roxas from the hold of his stare. And then he crosses his arms over his knees and tucks his chin into them. It makes him look small. Very un-Riku-like. His eyes close and the muscles in his cheek just below them twitch.

"Yes, Roxas," Riku says, voice muffled against his arm, "you remind me of him."

Roxas doesn't respond. The serpent settles inside him. Not peacefully, but pacified somehow and Roxas can't explain why, when at the same time, the heat is seeping from his chest to leave a cold cavern behind.

"But you know," Riku adds softly, raising his head just enough so he can speak clearly. His eyes are fixed out at the sea, but Roxas suspects that Riku is staring deep into something else. "Naminé also reminds me of Sora." A pause, and then a short, dry laugh. "So does Kairi. And Donald and Goofy. And Xion and Lea and Ventus and Yen Sid and Leon and Yuffie and Mickey and even Pluto, Roxas. Everyone who's ever been connected to him does."

The cold in Roxas's chest freezes his lungs completely when Riku straightens his spine and turns to look urgently into Roxas's eyes. For a few heartbeats, Roxas can't breathe, immobilized again by Riku's pleading stare. When he does find his voice, all he manages is:

"Oh."

There's a long, pregnant silence, thick with a thousand follow-up questions that Roxas doesn't know how to ask.

He jumps when Riku's hand is suddenly on his arm.

"I'll admit, you're a little different than the others," Riku says and Roxas still can't look away from the intensity in his eyes. His skin tingles where Riku's hand rests. "Sometimes…" A pause. Riku's eyes and shoulders drop and Roxas is able to turn his head to look away, chest tight but breathing easier as he's freed from that gaze. "I don't know, Roxas. Sometimes I do see him in you, but the more I get to know you, the less of him I see anymore. It's just you."

Riku's hand is still there and Roxas wishes he would stop touching him. (Part of him, though, doesn't want him to stop. Wants more than just a hand on his arm. He ignores this part.)

"Okay," Roxas whispers, and reaches up to brush Riku's hand away.

Riku's eyes return to scanning Roxas, running over every inch of him in a way that makes Roxas feel naked. Riku can read Sora better than anyone, but that doesn't mean he can read Roxas, and Roxas adamantly tries to keep the book closed.

Good luck to Riku, anyway. Roxas himself doesn't even know how to read what his heart is writing.

"Roxas."

Roxas waits, muscles tensing at Riku's tone. He keeps his eyes pointed out towards the water until the silence stretches on long enough that he realizes Riku won't finish until Roxas looks back at him. Reluctantly, he turns his head to meet Riku's eyes again.

"I'm glad I've gotten to know you, Roxas," Riku says. "I'm glad I get to see you."

It's stupid, but it makes Roxas's eyes burn and he jerks his head down so Riku can't see them turning red. He bares his teeth at the fists that curl and uncurl in his lap while his heart throbs and his muscles bunch up in an attempt to keep himself from shaking.

"...It…" Riku continues softly, unsure. Like what he's saying might be a mistake, but that only makes Roxas listen all the more closely. "It does make me miss him more, sometimes. Seeing less of him in you. But." He pauses to swallow and Roxas doesn't dare breathe for fear that Riku won't finish the thought. Because even if it hurts, Roxas wants to hear it. He deserves to know. "But it's a good thing. I'm glad. I'm… I'm glad. Because you're my f- you're worth knowing, too."

Roxas's heart feels both squished and swollen, thumping recklessly while also feeling frozen in his chest as he looks back up at Riku. He's still watching Roxas, hasn't looked away, and Roxas is sure Riku can see the tears in his eyes, but not being able to see Riku's expression is less tolerable than Riku seeing his weakness.

"Didn't wanna say 'friend,' huh?" Roxas jokes, voice thick.

"...Didn't want to presume."

Roxas laughs wetly and looks back down at the sand. There's a Thalassa Shell just out of reach. He should remember to bring that back for Xion. Embarrassed, he scrubs a fist over his eyes, forcing the tears back. At least none actually fell.

"...You can," Roxas says when he trusts his voice to not shake. "Presume, I mean."

He doesn't look up, but he can hear the smile in Riku's voice when he says, "Okay. Then I will."

Another silence falls over them and Roxas can't decide if it's comfortable or not. The energy doesn't feel as bad, but there's still something lingering in the air. Better to not think too hard about it, maybe. He drags a finger through the sand, ignoring the unpleasant way it catches in his ring.

"I thought you'd be mad," Riku says.

Roxas's finger stills, then continues drawing swirls. "About being compared to Sora? That I make you miss him?" Riku nods and Roxas shrugs. "I'm not happy about it," he says honestly.

"...But?"

With a heavy breath, Roxas brings his hands to his lap, twines and untwines his fingers. "I get it, I guess." He turns his head away, stares at the way the waves lap against the rowboat they'd taken here. Needs a little privacy as he murmurs, "For all I - For all I kick and scream about it, I do it too. Compare myself to him." He hesitates, voice barely audible as he finishes like a confession. "I get confused about it too, sometimes." A lot of the time.

"In what way?" Riku asks softly. It's getting dark now. The beach is still easy to see, but the ocean is black, which gives the odd impression that the island is floating in negative space, cut off from everything else.

"I don't know." Yes, he does. Face twisting, Roxas draws his legs up, hugs his knees to his chest. Keeps his head turned away. "It's just a lot," he whispers, repeating what he said at Twilight Town's beach.

Riku doesn't respond and Roxas's gut clenches. He's going to make him actually say it, isn't he? He turns his head to look out at the starlit ocean so he can see Riku in his periphery without having to face him.

"It's just confusing," Roxas bursts with barely restrained urgency. "I wasn't always - I didn't used to-" He growls, scratches a hand roughly through his hair and tries again. "When I was first - at first it was just me. I didn't remember anything else and, I don't know, I was lost and barely a person I guess, but I thought everything was just me, then. But then Sora's memories started coming in and confusing everything."

Beside him, Riku's head tilts forward, barely noticeable from the corner of his eye.

"And so I have all these memories that aren't mine," Roxas continues, the words spilling like vomit, now. "But they still feel like they are. And then DiZ-" he spits the name like a curse, "-came and shoved in a bunch of memories that never even happened, not to anyone, so there's an entire lifetime I remember that's not even real. On top of Sora's whole life, on top of my actual life." And here, Roxas's voice breaks. "Which is barely even a fraction as long as everything else I remember."

He buries his face in his arms, unable to stop the pounding in his chest or the tears that do slip free this time. His arms hurt where his fingers dig into them as he tries to regain control of his breathing. He doesn't know what Riku is doing, but he's still not saying anything and Roxas can't bring himself to look.

"It's like the only part of me that's actually me is the smallest part," he whispers, voice muffled against his knees. He lifts his head slightly, squints at the black water, pained. "But it's not even like all the other memories are bad. I'm glad I'm friends with Hayner, Pence, and Olette."

"Which I imagine makes it feel even more confusing," Riku says.

Roxas's breath hitches, startled, before he nods miserably. "But they obviously don't remember any of it, anyway. It never happened." He shakes his head. "Half the time I feel like I can barely keep track of what's real or not." He looks down at the sand that feels everything and nothing like home. "Half the time I feel like I can barely keep track of what's me or not."

Déjà vu and jamais vu, over and over. A life he fought for and wants to keep, but leaves him feeling lost all the same. He's grateful for it. And it really hurts.

"And I wish Sora was here," he continues, hating how pitiful he sounds, hating the way it makes Riku's shoulders stiffen. "Because if there could only be one of us, it should have been him, and maybe if he was here, things would make more sense."

Maybe if he was here - if they were both here - there would be proof that they're not the same.

"Sora… wouldn't want you to say that. That it should be him over you." Riku's voice is too even. Controlled. Closed off.

"I know."

Roxas finally allows himself to look at Riku. It looks like the entire sky is crushing down on the other boy's shoulders, despite his composed words. His eyes look hollow, haunted. A far cry from the way they sparkled with laughter just hours ago. And it hurts. It hurts to see, because Roxas cares about him. Cares about him now beyond just Sora's heart. And it sucks.

It's selfish to go on when he sees Riku like that, but he does, anyway. Maybe some part of him has always wanted to confide in him, some instinct left over from Sora. So he does, even though it's selfish, even though it's not fair or right.

"I put up such a fight for other people to see me as me, and I don't even know what makes me, me." Roxas tilts his head back to the stars. The ocean wind has already dried the tears on his cheeks, but the burning in his eyes threatens to send fresh ones. He blinks them back. At the very least, he won't make Riku watch him cry. "I can't tell which parts matter. My life in Twilight Town? My actual life? Sora's?" He laughs, voice cracking. "Hell, Ventus's? What am I supposed to do with all of that? How am I supposed to be my own person if I'm just made up of spare parts?"

Whatever possessed Roxas to pour everything all over Riku suddenly leaves and he sags, nothing else to say. At least, nothing he has the ability to put in words.

It takes a while for Riku to say anything. When he does, his response feels completely pulled from nowhere.

"Have you ever heard of the Ship of Theseus?"

"Wha- no?" Roxas answers, thrown off. He quickly wracks his brain, but if it's some sort of Destiny Islanders' fable, Sora didn't bother to remember it.

"It's a thought experiment," Riku says, staring at where the moon hangs just above the steady waves. He rocks his head back and forth like he's trying to shake the details free. "My dad told me once. Imagine there's a ship."

"Okay," Roxas says, brows lowering but willing to see where he's going with this.

"Travel over the ocean is hard on a ship, so parts of it will wear down. Some beams will break or the sails will get torn. But you still need the ship, so what do you do?"

"…Fix it?"

"Right, but how?"

"Replace the parts…" Roxas says slowly.

Riku nods. "So you take your repaired ship on another voyage. Same thing happens: parts break and get replaced and everything carries on like normal. But what if you do this enough times that every part of the ship gets replaced at some point?"

Roxas frowns, starting to get the idea.

Riku looks over at him. "Is it still the same ship? If none of the original parts are there anymore, is it still the ship you started with? Or is it a completely different one, now?"

"…I don't know."

"And take it a step further," Riku says. "What if all that time, someone was collecting all the broken parts? What if they took all those original pieces and reconstructed the entire ship out of them?"

"…"

"Now you have two ships," Riku says. "So which one is the real Ship of Theseus?"

Roxas is silent for a long moment. Finally, he lets his chin rest on his crossed arms, frowning out at the ocean, and says, "I'm not a boat, Riku."

Riku surprises him by laughing. "Well, I'm glad you've got that much figured out, at least."

The satisfying 'oof!' Roxas gets out of him with an elbow to the ribs doesn't make him stop laughing, just makes him laugh harder. So Roxas shoves him with both hands, topples him back into the sand. But stupidly finds himself grinning back as he tussles to pin Riku's shoulders.

Eventually, he gives up and flops beside him. He's getting sand in his hair. It's going to suck to wash out later, but he can't bring himself to care. Whatever awful cloud had moved over them has begun dissipating with Riku's laughter. Things don't feel as careless as they did earlier in the day, but they do feel… lighter, maybe? Something still sits heavy in Roxas's heart, but there's relief as well. Maybe just from saying it all out loud.

He turns towards Riku, accidentally knocking their heads lightly together when he's closer than Roxas expects. But he doesn't pull away, just lets the crown of his head rest against Riku's as he stares up at the night sky. Sometimes he forgets just how many stars there are. How many worlds. How tiny he is.

"I don't know exactly what you were hoping I'd get out of that story," Roxas admits. "I don't even know which ship I'm supposed to be."

Riku huffs out a short laugh. "It's a thought experiment, Roxas. So think about it."

Axel knows everything.

Well, no, of course he doesn't and Roxas knows this, but he still feels like Axel knows everything. Usually. So of course, when the big questions grow too loud and big to keep inside, it's Axel that Roxas goes to for answers.

Especially when stupid assholes plant brainworms in Roxas's head that he can't shake after a solid week.

"Huh," is all Axel says when Roxas tries to pick his brain. "Interesting."

"That's it?" Roxas asks, exasperated. "That's all you have to say about it? Just 'huh, interesting?'"

For a know-it-all who loves talking, Axel has the worst habit of saying very little when it really matters. He just shrugs, grins unapologetically. "Sorry, I don't think I can help you with this one. Pretty sure that's the point."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Riku's right. It's a thought experiment," Axel says and Roxas scowls. "The point is there's no definite answer. You gotta come up with your own."

It's only a few weeks later that he gets a text from Riku giving him a heads up that he'll be in Twilight Town again soon. But those few weeks are spent thinking and debating and pondering and ruminating and considering and pondering some more. And the moment the Gummi ship passes overhead, Roxas races to snag him before he's even had a chance to settle the Gummi blocks to rest.

"You," Roxas announces, chin high, lips twitching against an effort not to smile.

"Me," RIku says, face exasperated but tone amused as he hops out of the ship.

"- Owe me a skateboarding lesson," Roxas finishes. He tosses his board to Riku, who narrowly avoids fumbling the catch, wincing as a hand catches awkwardly against the wheels. "You skipped out the last two times you were here. You're gunna suck again. C'mon."

Roxas is glad he opted to wear long sleeves under his t-shirt as they climb to the top of Sunset Hill. It's a chilly, windy alternative to the crowded Sandlot, but Roxas figures Sunset Terrace is the better side of town to practice. Less trams and people to avoid, and plenty of hills and flats for variety. Not that Riku will be grinding down ramps anytime soon.

Autumn is fast traveling towards winter and cold air ripples through the pines. An occasional gust makes Roxas hug his body protectively against the chill, but he otherwise doesn't find it too bad. Riku, on the other hand, is shivering in the breeze atop the hill. He was smart enough to wear a sweater, but perhaps he's just not as used to the cold. Still an islander, even after years away. Despite Riku's discomfort, Roxas feels a strange sense of security in the fact that he isn't as affected by the cold as Riku is. Riku is out of place here, but Roxas isn't. Twilight Town is his home. He belongs here.

Riku hasn't lost his balance for pushing, though needs a bit of practice re-mastering kickturns. After an hour of teasing encouragement and a few demonstrations from Roxas, he's gotten the hang of manuals and gets pretty comfortable at riding switch. He even takes on Roxas's dare to ride down the hill's path to the base of the terrace. With a set jaw and stubborn shrug, he actually manages it without so much as a stumbling stop, and Roxas reluctantly concedes to give him the win. Score: 2-1.

Riku tries not to be obvious about it, but Roxas can see the self-satisfied glint in his eyes and the way his mouth twitches, like he's fighting back the temptation to brag. It's obnoxious, makes Roxas grin, mull over ways to get him to crack out of that serious persona more often. The one he's adopted since getting his keyblade.

The physical activity seems to have warmed him up enough to stop shivering, though he's still breathing warmth into his hands while Roxas does idle kickflips, gathering his thoughts.

"So I've been thinking about it," Roxas says, foregoing any lead-in. "Your boat story."

"You mean the Ship of Theseus."

"Yeah, that." Roxas presses his thumb against the side of his mouth. "I think… it's both."

"Hmmm." Riku breathes again on his hands, rubbing them together, but Roxas catches the small smile hiding behind them. "How so?"

"Even if everything is replaced, it's still the same ship, because everyone treats it like the same ship, and it acts as the same ship." Roxas answers, eyes moving aimlessly along the ground in front of him as he tries to string his thoughts together in a way that makes sense out loud. "Kind of like… um. A suntan. It goes away in the winter because you've grown new skin cells. But you're not a whole new person just because those cells are new." Roxas pauses, less confident now that he's saying it to someone else, but keeps going. "But at the same time, it is also a new ship. Because if you took a picture of it and brought it back in time to compare it to the original ship, you'd probably see all the differences and recognize that it's not the same. And… and it's not like all those replacement parts came out of thin air. Trees still had to be cut down for the wood. So it's not like building a whole new ship never happened. Just happened more gradually, I guess. So. It's both things at once."

Riku nods slowly. "Makes sense." He looks curiously at where Roxas stands on his skateboard, no longer doing idle tricks, and meets his eyes. "What about the other question? Which ship is the real one?"

"Well…I think… that's also both. I think the repaired ship and the rebuilt ship are both the real ship. It doesn't matter which one came first. Maybe people will see them differently but… I don't know. Like, you're not the same person you were as a little kid. But the person you are now and the person you were when you were five are both still Riku, right?"

Riku looks up at the orange sky, head tilted slightly, eyes narrowed like he's trying to see beyond it. "...Sure," he says, several unspoken thoughts obviously held back behind that single word. "I get what you're saying."

"You don't agree?"

"Not exa- it's not that I disagree," Riku says, brings his gaze back down to Roxas, a complicated, vulnerable look on his face. "Just hadn't thought of it that way specifically before."

"So what do you think the answer is?" Roxas asks, genuine curiosity not hidden as well behind a challenging tone as he'd intended.

"I… don't think it's possible to say either way, I guess," Riku says. "Every person is going to see the ship differently. It's too open to interpretation. It's too abstract. And I mean, ultimately, it's just a boat."

Roxas scowls, and Riku takes a hasty step back to avoid Roxas's swipe at him as he laughs.

"You're hazing me," Roxas complains. "What was the point of asking me, if you think the answer doesn't even matter?"

"I didn't say the answer doesn't matter," Riku says. His apologetic shake of his head is weakened by the stupid grin still firmly etched across his face. "Just that it's open to interpretation. It's your interpretation that matters." There's a hint of laughter in his voice as he asks, "So if you were a boat, where do you think your interpretation leaves you?"

Roxas glares at him silently for a moment, but there's no real heat in it. "...It means I'm both. I am me, not anyone else. But I'm also made of other people, and that's - that's part of what makes me, me." He hesitates. "And… and if it's like you said and no one can actually answer, anyway, then that means I get to decide who I am. Right?" The last word comes out small, defenseless and raw. Uncertain and weak. Terrifying things to be in front of Riku.

"Yeah," Riku agrees warmly. "Sounds like a pretty fair assessment to me."

Roxas nods, feeling tiny and exposed. A lot like he did so early on, when Axel was away for the first time and Roxas had begun to know just enough to realize how much he didn't know anything. New concepts at every turn with endless questions that never seemed to have concrete answers.

He's always assumed eventually that would go away, but maybe that's just how life is. Maybe everyone feels that way.

So he looks at Riku, at this boy he has memories of loving and memories of hating. Memories of fighting and memories of befriending. Memories from Sora's life and memories from his own. Maybe sometimes things are too complicated and abstract to have proper words or concrete feelings. Maybe it's okay that everything around Riku remains nebulous and beyond what his heart has answers for. Maybe sometimes there just aren't answers.

Roxas feels the serpent in his chest calm and slow, settling against his heart, unmoving. And as it rests like that, he can barely feel it anymore.

For once, Roxas allows himself to remember Riku from Sora's eyes without putting up a fight. Remembers those competitions and petty bets. How insecure Riku was as an idiot fifteen year old who started everything by making one horrible mistake. How annoying he was, bragging and gloating to cover it all up under a false swagger. That insecurity is probably still there, just better handled now. Or maybe smothered under shame that weighs even heavier.

It's ironic. If Riku hadn't opened that door, none of this would have ever happened. Roxas wouldn't even be here. Another feeling he doesn't have any way to resolve. Doesn't have answers for.

"You know," Roxas says, breaking the silence he let fall over them. "You were kind of a little shit when you were fifteen."

The startled sound Riku makes is somewhere between a choke and a squawk. "Okay," he says incredulously. "Thanks? I'm glad we're staying on topic."

"Don't worry, it is," Roxas assures with a satisfied smirk. Riku opens his mouth, closes it, and rubs his arms brusquely instead, disgruntled, looks like he's trying to decide what he's more offended by: Roxas's comment or the cold. "C'mon," Roxas says, pushing forward on his skateboard, tone kinder. "Let's go get a treat."

"I don't want ice cream, Roxas."

His snort makes its way into a full laugh. He shakes his head, smiling reassuringly back at Riku, heart lighter than it's been in a long time. "Don't worry, I figured. I was thinking hot chocolate. The Bistro has some."

"Okay." Riku smiles, soft and friendly. Comfortable, Roxas determines. "Hot chocolate sounds perfect."

"So how do you feel about everything, now?" Roxas asks, digging the heels of his feet into the cold beach stones where he sits next to Riku. Winter has turned the giant lake cold and biting beneath the ever-present fire of the twilight sky. It's been a couple months since the last time they've gotten to meet up in person, but it still feels comfortable to sit beside him, close enough to enjoy sharing in each other's body heat. "Do I still make you miss him?"

Riku's shoulders lower, but it's less of a sag, and more of an unguarded shift in posture as he hums thoughtfully. "I still see less and less of him in you. So, yes, I guess. Yeah. That makes me miss him more."

Roxas runs his hands along the rocks between them, fingers brushing against Riku's. They're warm, especially so in contrast to the cold stones.

"Does it bother you?" he asks.

"Yes and no," Riku says. "It's… complicated. You know that." Roxas nods, and as his hand makes another pass over the stones, Riku's hand catches his, gives it a warm, solid squeeze. "And just like I said before, I'm grateful I got to know you. I'm glad you're my friend, too. Roxas."

The addition of his name at the end is unnecessary. Something Roxas notices Riku does a lot. Like a constant, subtle affirmation that he knows who he's talking to. Roxas gives Riku's hand a light squeeze back and lets it stay there, appreciating the warmth.

"Thank you," Riku adds. "For being there for me."

Roxas feels his face heat, resists the urge to tuck his head as Riku's words fill him with sudden shyness. "I mean, it went both ways," he mumbles. "So, um. Yeah. Thanks, too."

Riku smiles, and his hand curls to twine more securely with Roxas's.

"And I - At the same time I… I still just. Really miss him," Riku admits quietly. His voice is tight around the edges as he repeats it. "I just really, really miss him."

Roxas's heart is gripped with painful empathy, each beat a throb of sympathy along with his own personal grief over Sora. And another layer of emotion rests atop that, some part of him glad for his limited ability to ease that hurt for Riku. Because only Sora can do that, and Roxas - for all he's made up of Sora - is not him. And will never be him, not even if he wanted to be.

"I know," Roxas murmurs. "I miss him, too. I hope we find him soon."

Riku closes his eyes for a few heartbeats, then tilts his head to look up at the sky and smiles.

"We will."