PLATYPUS

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Private asked.

"Of course it is. There's a giant sign with his name on it over the place."

"But what if it's another Doofenshmirtz? Like his brother, or a cousin?"

"The entire island is shaped like his head."

"Could be a coincidence. There's that one island with tons of heads on it. One of those might've washed up here."

"Ah yes, Easter Island." Kowalski patted his clipboard. "On the subject of remote islands, did you know that a long-term ecological study of an untouched island found a tomato plant, only to realize it grew there because someone had tomatoes in their sandwich and-"

Skipper yanked the clipboard away. "You'll get this back when we arrive."

"Aww."

"Kaboom?" Riko asked.

"No kaboom. We're here for intel only. Maybe a few slaps, but No. Kaboom. Capiche?"

"Aww."

When they docked against the island's pointy chin, Skipper handed Kowalski the clipboard. "Soldier, your report?"

"Heinz Doofenshmirtz, forty-two, multiple PhD's in engineering and physics, cheese enthusiast and full-time villain specializing in doomsday devices and small-town takeovers. Has multiple tragic backstories, including-"

A cage slammed down over them. "Hey!" a voice snapped. "The only one that gets to tell my tragic backstories is me, got it?" Doofenshmirtz walked out, holding a remote with a big red button. "You know, this reminds me of the time in school when my jerk of an older brother told everyone my tragic backstories and they all laughed at me. Even my parents! But anyways, who do we have here?" Doofenshmirtz peered into the cage. "Some penguins?"

Riko coughed a fedora onto Private. Doofenshmirtz gasped. "Perry the Penguin! Wait, you're not Perry."

Riko kept coughing. A half-eaten dog treat, a tire, and a Barrett 50 cal fell out, followed by a pile of dynamite with a lit fuse. "Kaboom?" Riko asked excitedly.

Doofenshmirtz yelped. "You have a bomb? Are you insane!" He pushed the button, and the cage rose back up. "There. No more cage, now please for the love of cheese's crust, put that away!"

Skipper slapped the dynamite back into Riko's mouth. It went off with a muffled boom. Riko belched out a cloud of smoke and contentedly patted his belly. "Mmm… kaboom."

As the penguins walked up, Doofenshmirtz escorted them inside, offered them a seat on the sofa, and sent Norm to get lemonade. "So, why are you here anyways? Did the Agency send a replacement?"

"We're not here with those clowns, Heinz," Skipper said. "There's a maniac going around replacing all the birds with robots. We know you have the inside scoop on all the evil geniuses.

"Animals to robots, where did I - oh, that guy. Yeah, I know him, this one time he - shoot, we're running out of word count. Give me a second."

Doofenshmirtz rummaged around his kitchen drawer, throwing out silverware, empty yogurt packets, and old grocery lists. "Now where did I - aha! Behold! The Drabble Extendinator! I built this-" He pointed the desert eagle through the fourth wall and at the author's forehead. "So I'd have more time for my tragic backstories in this short story format. Pretty neat, eh?"

"If you pull that trigger," Kowalski said, tapping his clipboard, "You will trigger a universe-collapsing paradox which will turn us all into a cognizant meat slurry, forever trapped in a-

Skipper yanked the clipboard and smacked Kowalski on the head with it. "No more disturbing facts for you."

"Aww."

"You were saying?" Skipper said.

"Where was I? Ah yes, him. But before that, I can't just rat out a fellow villain. I have standards! Which means, if you want that info, you'll have to-"

Skipper leapt out of his seat and started slapping Doofenshmirtz. As the evil scientist flailed around, he cried, "Ow, quit it! I didn't say start! Norm!"

"Still busy with the lemonade!" the robot cheerfully called out from the kitchen.

"What, are you growing the lemon trees?"

"Ooh, good idea, I bet it'll taste even better that way!"

"No, wait! Norm, get back here!"

"Can't hear you, too busy planting lemon seeds!"

Doofenshmirtz grumbled to himself. "If you want something right, do it yourself!" He snapped into a martial arts stance and threw a quick jab. Skipper deflected it and countered with flipper strikes to the chest. Doofenshmirtz stumbled back and fell against a giant laser. "Ha! Game over, penguins. Behold, my Disintegrate Beaminator! One push of a button, and it will disintegrate every molecule of your being! Or it'll cover you in lasagna, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. But it'll be piping hot!"

Skipper looked around the room. As the beaminator powered up, Skipper grabbed Private and held him out like a shield. "Private, you were like a son to me. Know that your sacrifice won't be in vain."

"But Skipper! I don't want to die!"

"The cause demands sacrifices, Private. You will be memorialized in our hearts and on a cool rock from Riko's stomach.

"Kaboom!" Riko agreed.

The beam fired. When it hit Private, the penguin made a loud squeaking noise, like an oversized chew toy. The beam fizzled out, leaving Private untouched and a plate of bubbling lasagna on the floor.

"Good work Private!" Skipper said. "Your chubby, pudgy body absorbed the disintegration beam, just like I predicted."

Private uncovered his eyes. "I - I'm not dead?"

"Of course not! What kind of commander sacrifices his own men?"

"Actually," Kowalski pointed out, "This is the twenty-fourth-"

"No clipboard for a week."

"Aww."

Doofenshmirtz tried tiptoeing away. Skipper slapped him.

"Alright, fine, you beat me fair and square. Just let me - quit slapping me!"

After a brief interrogation, the penguins hopped back onto their stolen ship and sailed away. As Doofenshmirtz nursed his injuries, Norm walked in with a platter of lemonade glasses. "Who's thirsty?" Norm looked around. "Did they not want my lemonade?"

A platypus chittered from a windowsill. "A platypus?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

The platypus put on a fedora. Doofenshmirtz gasped. "Perry the Platypus!"

999

I couldn't help myself. Also, it's super annoying typing Doofenshmirtz out a bunch of times, and I just realized that I could've copy-pasted it all those times and I'm super mad at myself.

Just had an idea for a story where Doofenshmirtz and Re-Destro swap places. Heinz is suddenly at the head of a Quirk-supremacist cult without a Quirk, while Re-Destro gets unleashed on an unsuspecting world where the largest threat to him is a platypus in a hat and two boys who build spaceships and giant robots for fun.