Enjoy! Chonky Chapter this week!

ROBYN POV

I was awoken by that voice, the voice I had to listen for, the voice that was good to obey. Had I slept well? I wasn't sure. Mikasa helped me down the stairs, like she wasn't sure if I would make it without toppling. Am I that weak? Maybe. Probably. Possibly? Nothing is certain, thoughts shifting, never settling, they can't without an order. Drifting down the stairs, a blanket wrapped round my shoulders, I sat in the kitchen area. Where were we again? I tried to think but beyond my orders, what else was there? I shivered. No. That was wrong, wasn't it? A puppet. No, I didn't want to be that. Of course Mikasa looked worried. I could topple any second. A puppet with cut strings. Shit. At least my body felt less weird, and the fever had calmed down. Some sleep had helped, but the toll of the control remained.

What had Levi and Kenny spoken about when I had been sent to rest? What had passed between them, and had Levi been forced to promise in order to save my sorry ass. Please don't let him have given up too much. Or even better, anything at all. Please. I'd already cost him so much. His grey eyes landed on me when he came back into the kitchen, tightening as he took me in. Was I looking ill still? I felt better. But I couldn't say that, Kenny had ordered silence.

"How're you…" Levi's words drifted and he looked to Kenny. "Allow her to speak? Or better yet–"

"I gotta say my piece to her first. Stay if you want, I don't care."

Mikasa put her hand on my shoulder. "We're not going anywhere."

Kenny shrugged and kneeled down and looked me square on, I wanted to look away, to run, to hide beneath the stairs and not come out until my mother came to find me. It was the same look Vincent wore before something awful happened – be it strapping me to the table, or cutting a new shape into my back, or whatever the hell his deranged mind had cooked up that day. But it was always that look. "You feel that, don't you Sanshi? The control? The fact you'll do any dance I demand? Answer freely."

My mouth opened, but the words choked on my fear. Because yes. I could feel it. He was allowing me to speak, but the strings were still there, still binding me, still able to strangle me at a moment's notice. It was far more potent, being within my own body, but I knew a similar sensation. The ability to move freely, but see those walls encasing my world, to know that whatever freedom I could claim scurrying around within Maria, within Shiganshina, I was still trapped. And now; I could vent, rage, rant and snarl at this man, but I was still at his mercy. Still a puppet.

Tears brewed and fell down my cheeks. "Yes. I… I can feel it. Completely."

Levi swallowed hard, doing his best to maintain his mask, but I could see his fear. On some level he could likely understand this, feel it in some way himself. That helped. Knowing someone would understand. I could hardly imagine how alone he must have felt when it was him on their strings. The Cloaks using him. I also knew how much he would hate seeing me on them instead. A sickening sense of helplessness.

Kenny nodded. "And you might not wanna admit to believin' it, but I think on some level you know it's true, that really I'm bein' kind here. The White Cloaks won't be. They won't even let you think, they'll turn you to fuckin' stone."

I shivered. He was right. If that Valerie woman got hold of the phrase, there was no telling what kind of depravity she would have me do. A dull ache appeared at the base of my spine, long healed bruises burning, my legs quaking. I couldn't go through it again. I just couldn't.

Levi stepped forward. "You've made your point, Kenny."

"No, I ain't." He kept those eyes on me, glaring. "I need Sanshi to understand to the pit of whatever heart she got from her mother, cause' she sure as hell didn't get one from her papa. But your mother cared, didn't she? Cared so much, felt so much, loved so much, eh?"

I nodded, tears flowing thick and fast, feeling the trajectory of the conversation and being unable to do a damned thing about it. Go on. Say it, Kenny. I know it already. You know I do. I knew it the second these strings attached, the moment my free will was ripped from my mind.

He didn't even look triumphant. "They'll use you to destroy the Scouts. If you let them. You'll be the key to it all being torn down, and every Scout with it."

"Enough." Levi snapped, stepping between us, shielding me from those eyes, but the truth was out there, echoing in my mind.

It had been in my head. It had brewed in my heart. It had solidified like ice in my gut. I was a danger to my family, even more so than ever before. The second the Cloaks got those words, there was no telling what they might be able to make me do. And I'd do it. Wouldn't I? I sat back, spine trembling as I considered the implications of this. My very existence put them at risk…

"All right," Levi spoke to Kenny. "Release her."

"You understand the situation boy, right?" Kenny looked at me hard. "She's a timebomb. Even with the phrase, you're gonna all be at risk. This control is total. Complete. She'd hurt any of you."

"Bullshit." Eren yelled, standing from his seat.

Levi glared. "Sit down, Jaeger."

"No, sir. This shithead's got it wrong. She got scared down in the Underground or something, that was why she lashed out. Robyn wouldn't–"

"Sit down boy." Kenny laughed. "She would and she will if those Cloaks get this phrase."

"Just because you're a weak minded bastard that–"

"Kill the boy."

I lunged. No hesitation. No room for breath, thought, nothing but the need to obey. Nails reaching for the boy Eren's neck, I tackled him to the ground. Yes. That would be easiest. Rip out the neck, the artery. Claw at his nape. Take him down like any other Titan. Simple. And yes, obey, so good to obey. One, two, three– I'm on the floor, being pinned by someone, their knee in the small of my back. Shit. No! I can't move. Can't obey. I scream, I wail, I beg and cry, managing to wriggle free for a moment before I'm pinned by two of them.

"Enough." Levi growled. "You've made your point."

"Please." I screeched. "Please I have to. Kill the boy. I have to. Let me go! Please! You don't understand!" I sobbed against the flooring, body convulsing with the need to move, to act, to kill. Nothing else mattered. My skin felt set alight, my mind scattered, my lungs burned like no air could refill them. Nothing but–

Kenny chuckled. "Ignore my last order."

I slumped against the floorboards and stared at the wooden grain, my tears restarted and puddled against the floorboards. That confirmed it, to everyone in this room, and me. Without a doubt, I was a liability. A risk not worth taking. A basket case. The pressure left my arms, the small of my back, and instead they tried to lift me, but I was limp. Not from any order, but from being numb. This wasn't my own body anymore. I'm just trapped inside it, waiting for the clock to run out. Unless it already had. Maybe… Maybe I'm already dead, and this is hell?

They set me back in the chair and Eren stood a few metres away, staring at me, a hand to his neck that gently steamed. I made contact. Not much, judging from the only tiny amount of blood on my nail. But still. Contact. And I hadn't been able to stop. Nothing had been between me and that want to complete the task. No doubt, no pain behind my eye, nothing. Was that how it would always be? Or was that simply my exhaustion? I didn't know. And it wasn't worth the risk…

"We still got a deal, boy?" Kenny turned to Levi. "You get me far away and I hand over these words?"

"I'm getting a wagon and contact for you now. We need maybe another two hours."

"Alright, then I wait two hours to spill my beans."

"Fine. But at least let her move freely." Levi had began in a growl, but by the end it was nothing short of pleading. He came over and knelt in front of me, holding my hands tightly as Kenny said the words I'd been longing to hear.

"Move freely, Sanshi. You have your free will back till I say otherwise."

I breathed easier, my body slumped a little but I managed to stay upright in the seat. Levi held on tight. Eren came over, smiling softly. Mikasa gave my shoulder another squeeze. Jean, who was recovering in the corner still, eyed me. And I didn't blame him. I nodded to him, thankful of the careful nature of his observation. If the others were allowing for affection to cloud their judgement, I needed someone who wasn't, and those eyes didn't look fooled. He looked at me like I was a beast. And I was. Nothing more. Nothing less.

"Can…" I swallowed hard. "Can I have some water?"

Levi brought it over, kneeling in front of me. "How're you feeling?"

"Groggy, weak… Overall a bit fucking useless." I smirked and sipped the water, hand shaking like mad, like I'd just done a full training day in the beating sun.

"You're far from useless." He murmured, watching my hand and frowning a little. "Thank you by the way."

"For?" I half laughed, sipping again as my head pounded.

"For listening out there, when I asked you to stop fighting it."

I nodded. "Was only hurting myself, right?"

He took the glass back and then looked around the room. "We should all get some rest in the meantime."

Kenny had been watching us the whole time, and he did not look happy, in fact he looked furious. As Levi moved away from me, those thin lips curled into a grimace. Something wasn't right.

He glowered at Levi. "So you're just gonna carry on like nothing's wrong?"

"What do you propose otherwise? Tying her up permanently?"

"You know what I'm proposing, boy." Kenny stood and gestured to me. "She does too. She knew it and felt it in her bones when I asked them questions. She's worn thin by even this kind of control. What kind of state do you think she'd be in if the Cloaks–"

"We've been over this. I'm not giving into those fucks. We're going to figure this out, and break the control somehow. The Scouts have done it before. They'll do it again. We made our deal, we have no more business with you. So shut it."

Kenny laughed. "You're a fool. All of you. Y'think you can break conditioning that's been baked into her since childhood?"

"We can try, damn it." Levi's fists were tightly clenched. Eren too. Mikasa was ready to back up Eren of course, and Connie just looked confused. Jean met my eye instead, and he looked so very sorry. And I returned that look. Because Kenny was right. But I also couldn't deny my Captain, my family, at least the attempt to try and help me, could I? If it was the other way round, I'd want to at least attempt helping.

Kenny snorted under his breath. The mist thickened over my mind once again.

I swallowed hard. "Kenny they just… w-want to try."

"Y'selfish bitch." He glared at me. "Willing to risk that just to save your sorry arse?"

"W-What do you want from me?" I demanded, getting up, wavering on the spot. "Why not just take the deal and just... l-leave?" I swallowed hard and tried to focus.

But he was saying those words again, wasn't he? Whispering them. So close. On the edge of my hearing, but still tangible. Shit. That sensation of falling, of losing myself to the hatred. Just like when I'd hide under the stairs, when the fear got too much. When the only thing Mother could do to coax me out was call my name, her little bird, to try and get me back in the sunshine. Shit. Mother. Help me.

Levi stepped in close. "Robyn, get back."

"You care so much." I spoke, looking past my Captain, staring at his Uncle hard, making the old man sweat. "Don't you?"

"The fuck you–"

"There's no reason for you to be so hellbent on my death. Unless you want to save Levi, that is. Your nephew. The last piece of your sister in this world, huh?"

"Fuck you." Kenny snarled. "You don't know a damn thing about me or my–"

"Family. No, I don't know much. But I know the only reason you're sticking in your heels this hard, pushing your point this dementedly, is to save Levi's life."

"You Scouts and your bravery." Kenny threw back his head and laughed. "Morons. And look at them all, except maybe that guy in the corner. But these ones? They're all so hellbent on saving your skinny ass, they don't even see how dangerous you are. Despite me showing them. Despite you almost…" He trailed off and chuckled. "Ah, that's it. Almost. Still room for doubt, huh?"

I shivered. "Don't."

"No?"

Levi looked between us. "Don't what?"

I sniffed. "Don't make me hurt them."

Kenny grinned. "Too weak to stand, almost. Doubt you could do much but…" He hummed and shoved Levi aside. He leaned in quick and whispered, hot breath tickling my skin and making the hairs on the back of my neck twitch.

"N–"

"Kill Levi."

LEVI POV

He watched the command fall across her eyes. From that pleading fear, begging Kenny to not say the command, to hearing it whispered into her ear. The wideness of her eyes. The shine of her tears. The choked last attempt at a beg. And then the light went out. Snuffed. Smothered. She went rigid, eyes vacant, but teeth bared as she made yet another attempt to fight the control, to withhold the order. But the blood immediately ran from her nose, a purpled effect blossoming under her eyes, and to Levi's horror more blood trickling from her ears. Whatever Kenny had ordered, Robyn was terrified to obey, she'd rather die.

"Stop this, Kenny." Levi bellowed, stepping forward, wrenching Kenny back from Robyn. Barely a second had passed, but the damage was done. "What're you doi–"

"Anything that I can." Kenny snarled, turning round and gripping Levi by the shoulders. "You'll see there's no other choice."

"Than what?" Levi growled, shoving the old man away.

"Than to do away with her." Kenny smirked. "You'll have to kill Robyn Sanshi in order to stop her."

ROBYN POV

Focus and precision grip me. Yes. Kill Levi. Of course, of course, that's what I have to do.

No. Stop.

Fire bubbled under my skin, the warmth escaping from my nose and ears, but doing little to ease the pressure. Move. Kill. Obey. I hated it, but I could feel the control slipping again. I couldn't hold it.

"Stay back!" Levi yelled and the room was cleared. He then looked me over and shook his head. I couldn't keep it up, could I? No. N-No I'm too weak…

The blood stopped running.

He looked around like he was finding a way out.

Such a silly thing to do.

I wasn't going to hurt anyone else, why would I? No, I just had to kill Levi, make him stop all this struggling, stop fighting the inevitable. The blade slashed into view. Where had I got it from? I couldn't be sure. Maybe Kenny had been holding it? Not sure. Levi retreated a step, then another. He blocked my attack with his own blade.

I blinked. No. Wait. This... This wasn't right. I didn't want to do this, did I? I blinked again, bliss slipping away as I clawed at that strange itch in my mind. This wasn't right, at all. I didn't want to hurt Levi, I never wanted to hurt Levi. Did I?

But it felt so... So good.

"Fuck!" Levi cried, my blade catching along his forearm.

Red spilled. Red. Yes. More. The need raged inside of me. I needed to spill it all. It needed to paint this fucking house. Kill Levi. Obey. He retreated up a few of the stairs. Troublesome. I watched the red slip from his flesh and revelled in it. My bones tingled. So good. More. I needed more, I needed to end him, to cut it all away all that potential. All those promises. All my hope.

I lunged.

My heart fluttered. Stop this. Don't.

"Robyn!" He managed to tackle me, making us both fall to the floor. But I was on top, I had the advantage, I could plunge this blade right into his heart and make it all stop. The heat. The hate. The pain. Yes. Obey and make it worthwhile. OBEY. I brought the blade down, the room filled with screams and cries of terror. No. Do not be afraid. This is how it's meant to be. Die Levi.

I jolted.

Levi? Shit. No. No this wasn't what I wanted.

Bliss disappeared. It left behind a deep ache all over my body as I grabbed my wrist and held it back. The blade hovered over his chest, far too close to not haunt my dreams. I straddled his lap on the floor, seconds away from plunging that knife into his heart. How did I get there? My mind warped.

He panted, holding me back. The travelling, the stress, the worry over me, it had worn his energy so thin. Usually he could simply fling me aside. Right now? It felt like we were almost evenly matched. Did the phrase also make me stronger?

The blade caught his shirt.

Shit. The need raged. I was so close.

No. Stop this you crazy bitch. This is what they want; the White Cloaks, Vincent, every single bastard trying to hold your strings. I blinked hard, and gasped between gritted teeth, withholding the dagger.

Levi looked to the side, still struggling to dislodge me. "Y'see Kenny? She is fighting it! Look at her you old bastard, look!"

"Temporary, boy. She can't hold that for long."

I groaned, warmth returning to my lip, only it no longer trickled, it poured. Running down my chin and neck, likely dripping onto him as well. It didn't matter. Just make it stop. Even if that meant stopping me. My knees quaked against my will. The blade inched closer, catching on his shirt material again. Don't let me do this. Please.

Levi swallowed hard, brow beaded in sweat. "Isn't it enough that she can resist at all? C'mon old man, look, you said it was absolute. This isn't!"

I whimpered, recalling how I'd felt when Levi grabbed my neck, when he finally came home after those long six months. Past my initial struggle, my mind had been filled with regret for the guilt he would feel, after killing me. I hadn't been able to fight back at all. I had blamed myself for his situation. So what was Levi blaming himself for right now? I stared at him, leaning into my aching knees more as the warmth spread over my clothing.

Things grew foggy.

Yes. Obey!

"Take it back, Kenny!" Levi gritted out, still holding me back. The knife edged closer. Dammit, I needed to do it. I needed to. Levi, stop denying me this. I couldn't breathe without it. I whimpered, eyes pouring as I fought him.

But no, I don't want to win!

Sto-stop... stop this!

"Fall." Kenny snapped, and my body gave out.

I dangled from Levi's hands, strings cut, and he carefully rolled us, lowering me to the wooden floor. Warmth stopped running from my nose . Instead, coldness sunk in.

"Stay still, and listen." Kenny marched over.

He loomed while Levi cradled me, having pried the knife from my hand. It clanged over the floorboards, well out of reach. My Captain stared down at me, as lost as I am.

I blinked slow. No fight left.

Please, don't order me to hurt him, Kenny, I couldn't deny you now.

Levi looked up, tightening his hold on me. "She resisted. You saw it yourself. So maybe it can be overruled."

"She held out better than I expected, for sure, boy. But she'd have succumbed eventually. And overruling? Not likely. Not unless you fancy conditioning the wench to your own phrasing, nah."

"Our deal. You've made your sick point, now what's the phrasing?"

Kenny ignored Levi and knelt, eying me close. "Once they get a hold of you, girlie, you're never gonna know what free-will is again. You're free of me."

The last strings fell from my bones. I relaxed into Levi's hold for a moment. I was free?

Then I jolted, and rolled out of his hold to vomit. My body rejected it all. It was worse than that cell, than those whips, than those men holding me down. It was so much more invasive, more overpowering. More violating. In the end, I'm just retching.

Once I could breathe a little, I choked out the words. "Do... D-Do you know what they want me t-to do? Specifically I mean?"

"Among other things?" Kenny raises a brow as I looked back at him over my shoulder. "Likely take down the Scouting Fuckwits, and anyone loyal to them. You'll be a well trained dog, till they likely take it to the next level and supe you up. If you ain't already."

"Supe?" I questioned, coughing again and wheezing.

Levi moved me away from the sick on the floor, easing me into a nearby chair. Ever faithful. Pity being, that he needed to let me go. But still, he held me steady as I wavered.

Kenny tilted his head. "Titan."

I stared, wide-eyed and unable to argue. It was a logical next step, I guess. Be in total control of the human, you'd likely be in control of the titan too. But their serums hadn't worked. It couldn't be possible. Maybe. I tried to speak, try to think, try to breathe, but it was hopeless. And not due to Kenny's command either. My mind simply couldn't process.

Kenny adjusted his hat. "They'll use you until you're totally spent. You won't know what's real and what ain't. You won't know the difference between what you want, and what you're told to want." He shrugged. "Remember all them times your father made you his little puppet? Got you to do things, in exchange of him not hurtin' yer mother?"

I nodded, tears brimming my eyes.

Kenny smirked. "Well it's that, only worse. Much worse."

Levi pulled me close, my ear pressed to his chest. I'd never heard his heart so panicked.

He spoke between his teeth. "We had a deal. The hell do you get out of tormenting her like this?".

"You all needed to see the extent of it. Seemed like you'd pretended like she hadn't tried to kill the boy before. Maybe now with some blood on ya, it'll sink in. And she needs to know what she's in for. She needs to know what their power's gonna be."

Hopelessness pooled in my gut. It was undeniable. Kenny was right. And in a strange way, this was Kenny, trying to be kind. I think.

I swallowed hard. "You think I should end it myself."

He slowly nodded.

Levi shuddered. "What? Like hell!"

"Yer used to fighting against the odds, boy, I get it." Kenny headed for the other side of the room. "But this ain't a gamble worth taking. The House has already won. Don't you get that?"

"You think I'll just accept that?" Levi strode across. "Tell me the phrasing!"

The others came in closer. I stared at my hands. Still stained. Still debauched. Still ruining.

"You'll never listen to reason, will you?"

"If your version of reason is submission, then no." Levi hissed, clenching his hands so tight his knuckles paled. "Say it and let this deal be done."

"Blood of the father. Blood of the mother. Red burning blood."

I gasped and looked to Kenny, awaiting my orders, strings snapping back into place, my mind reeling as the control slipped like rain from a leaf. So often those words had strung together in my mind. Red. Burning. Blood. And there it was, the leash Vincent had bound to me since childhood. Piece by piece he chipped away at my free will and made his perfect little toy. For his deranged plans, whatever they were.

Levi looked to me, and I could only guess the panic he saw in my eyes. Confirmation enough. It was the real phrase. He breathed out and waved a hand to Mikasa, for her to organise the transport of Kenny to his safe place. To where he might live beyond the White Cloaks control. Lucky him.

He took one last look at me before leaving. He dipped his hat and said. "Be free of me."

And the control returned to my own hands as the door closed, and Kenny was gone.

For a few minutes it was quiet.

The wind whistled against the windows, and the outside world turned grey with more rain clouds above. For a few minutes, sand seemed to slip between my fingers. The grains catching on the drying blood there.

"We need to get back to base." Levi finally said once Kenny and Mikasa had left from the side gate of our safehouse. I saw them bob past the window, still unable to move from my seat. Levi sighed. "Ackerman should be back by dusk, and we leave under nightfall. I'll go get provisions. Jeager can you watch Robyn?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Artlet, tend to Kirschtein."

"Yes, sir."

"Right." Levi turned to me again and initially looked like he might approach, might hold me close, might clean the blood from my skin. But his hands clenched and he looked to Eren again instead. "Clean her up as well? I better get going. Knowing Ackerman, she'll make short work of the journey."

He picked up the blade from the ground, pocketed it and slung on his cloak. He left without another word. No doubt he needed to think. But really, he needed to let go. I stared after him, tears falling as Eren began to dab at my blood stained skin. He was speaking, I think, murmuring encouragements and soothings. But none of it stuck. It slipped between my ears and faded to nothing but dust. When would it stop? When would I stop? In the cold light of the early afternoon, after a couple more inevitable and undeniable nails in my coffin, I watched the rain trickle down the windowpane.

As the light outside faded, Armin moved Jean to the wagon outside. It wasn't cold and he said he wanted the fresh air – more likely he wanted to be as far away from the manic puppet as possible. I gripped my trousers and sighed. Stop that. You are loved. They want to help you. Pain prickled under my skin, at the back of my head, in the base of my throat. They wanted to help, but they shouldn't.

Dammit.

Levi hadn't come back with supplies yet, but he had warned us he might be a while due to needing to sneak about. And it wasn't quite dusk. Eren remained by my side still, and as the door closed behind Armin and Jean, I felt Eren watching me. I tore my eyes from the clouds, finding him staring with a look I couldn't identify.

I looked back to the window. "You should get some rest, kid."

"Under orders to watch you, remember?"

"Yeah, but I'm alright. You can–"

"Look at me, Robyn." He asked, and I slowly closed my mouth.

I stared at the sky.

He sighed. "We didn't really get to talk about it, but you didn't mean to hurt me down in the underground."

I winced.

He continued. "I know you didn't. I knew it when it happened. The Captain told us to stay back, he clearly knew something about what was going on with you but... I couldn't just let you eventually come to your senses, and be in that mess. I had to try and get you away from it."

"Please go rest, Eren." I breathed, wishing the tears would take a fucking break.

"Not until you look at me."

I knew that edge to his voice. It had followed me around for those lonely six months, the edge that gradually hooked into my skin and demanded my attention. Demanded my return. Demanded I not lose myself to my own doubts and fears. I swallowed hard. That edge would wait forever if it had to. But there was no waiting this one out, was there? We had the phrasing, sure, but I remained a liability. A danger.

He sighed. "Stop going in circles, I can hear you overthinking. Just look at me."

"Please Eren, I can't-"

"Yes you can!" He snapped, and I flinched so hard I nearly fell off the chair.

I blinked and looked down at myself. Why had I flinched? It was Eren, for god's sake. He'd never hurt me. At one point I'd have said the same about myself for him, but it seemed hollow now.

I adjusted my weight. "Sorry... Dunno why I flinched."

"Because your head's being messed with, and you feel like an open nerve."

"I–"

"Something was done to you by your father that you don't fully understand. Now it's haunting you. To know that it could hurt one of your comrades, through you... it's hell on earth." He spoke steadily, voice only wavering towards the end.

I looked at him, staring at the open wounds he had, the ones that could never steam shut. Not even Titan abilities could deal with that kind of hurt.

"I'm sorry, I–"

"The last thing you should be doing is apologising." He shook his head and swallowed hard, looking down. "Just wanted to point out I might have some idea of what's going on in your head. To some degree at least."

I nodded and stared down at my hands.

This was what it felt like, to know Grisha had been the one to turn him into a Titan. That Eren's own father had forced it upon him, and also forced him to consume him. I'd always hated my father, but I'd never feared him quite this much. I thought I'd known all that he had done, all that he was capable of; beaten my family and myself daily, terrorised us, and then eventually murdered them and attempted to murder me. Simple, when you boil it down. But now? Now, it felt like there was a tangled web under me, and every jolt of my frightened body sent down new creatures to haunt me, new demons to sink their teeth in and pull me apart. It felt like there was so much more writhing in those shadows now. And this was how Eren had felt when he recalled how he got his powers, when he saw those memories, when he realised what had happened. What his father had made him do.

What else had Vincent done?

Why had he done it in the first place?

Was I ever actually going to know?

Was there a true purpose to all this, or just his madness?

"The first time I properly shifted, I didn't remember." Eren continued. "I woke up in a compound with Armin and Mikasa, staring down the barrel of a damn cannon. You've heard the story before, I know... I just need you to know you're not alone. Something in you is triggered by those words. Hell… I think it was triggered in the Underground with those guards. Something Vincent's forced on you. You had no more control over it than I did when I first turned into a Titan. I don't blame you. I know the Captain won't either."

To hear his understanding made it so tempting to submit to it, to throw my arms round him, and thank him for understanding, thank him for helping me understand. But it's stuck in my throat. It was just another fucking cycle. Human to Titan. Titan to Human. Robyn to ruin. Ruin to Robyn.

I hung my head forward and laughed bitterly. "She lost control. She wasn't to blame. It was just a convict. Help Robyn, do this for Robyn, run to save Robyn. I always seem to have a built-in excuse for my shittiness." I spat, hands clasped together, knuckles turning white.

Eren put his hands on mine. "We don't blame you, Robyn. We know it wasn't you fau-"

"I tried to kill you!" I yelled, standing and pushing his hands away.

I loomed in the small space and watched indecision dance over his eyes. He was frightened of me in that moment. Did he want to use the phrase in that second? Control me? Make me stop? The look was gone in an instant, replaced by shame as he realised he'd shown me his fear, that he reacted in the same way he hated people reacting to him. I didn't hate him for it, I wanted him to hate me right now. Perhaps, he could attempt to hate me, even if only a fraction of how much I hated myself, for this repeated weakness. My eye throbbed. It was frightening to think you knew someone, and then realise that no, you've no fucking idea. Even worse when you realise the person you're not sure of, is yourself.

He looked so unsure. "Robyn, please..."

"Eventually the excuses run out, Eren." I sighed, a tear escaping before I swiped it away and gritted my teeth.

"It's not excuses! It's just the truth. You weren't even conscious of hurting that guard, or me."

"I'm accountable for this, I'm accountable for it all. I'm not about to just go ahead and blame my fucking Daddy issues, all over again. It's my head, so I can learn to control it. I have to."

He smiled briefly. "And you will!"

"And if I don't? If I can't?"

He swallowed. "We… I mean we'll…"

"If I can't?" I choked. "If it really is impossible to avoid these blackout attacks? Then I'll just… I-I'll..." I stopped my mouth from running and shook my head, there was no point admitting that. It would only scare him. Only make it harder to let go. "Nevermind."

"The fuck were you going to say?" He demanded, looking me over. "You'll what?"

"It's not–"

"You'll what?"

I pushed past him for the door. He followed. The wagon was being loaded, Jean was sat up front with Armin and they had been chatting until I came out with Eren close behind. I had no idea what I looked like, but judging from how they looked from me to Eren, they weren't sure how to read me at all. Made sense. I was nuttier than ever. I was dangerous.

A cold wind whipped through the street and I staggered, head swimming immediately. Oh right. I'd lost a lot of blood, my body was wrung out entirely. I went to one knee and clamped my lips shut as nausea swamped me. Just get in the back of the fucking wagon. Stupid. Just get in there and go to sleep you idiot. You fucking–

"Robyn!"

I held up a hand to my Captain, his concerned voice piercing the afternoon air. "M'fine."

"You don't fucking look it. You call this looking after her?" He snapped, shoving supplies into Eren's hands and easing me onto my feet. "You're like ice, c'mon there's blankets in the back of the wagon."

"Sorry." I mumbled, clambering into the waggon and laying down, the blanket soon draped over me.

My thoughts rumbled around my skull. It was true. All of it. Everything Kenny had said, and as much as my family didn't want to admit it to themselves, I was a liability. That phrasing, despite us now knowing it, could control me. That was dangerous. I was a danger to their safety. To their lives. To the Scout's mission.

I jolted and forced myself a little upright. Levi paused as he climbed out of the wagon and looked at me with a raised brow.

I swallowed hard. "We have to tell the Queen."

He frowned. "What? Why? There's no point worrying her when we might–"

"She has to know if I'm ever acting oddly, or even slightly out of character, I might be being sent to hurt her." My breathing came quicker. "Hanji has to keep that in mind as well, you all do."

"Wait, you're–"

"Keza as well. Shit. What if they send me into the orphanage at some point? What if I'm used to tear it all down piece by piece? Sent after people's families? Shit. Shit. I can't do that. Can I? Guess I can, guess I–"

"Robyn!"

My panicked rambling faltered and I stared at those grey eyes of his, the grey like a storm in that moment as the breeze shifted his dark hair across them. I wiped the tears I hadn't realised were falling. I smoothed back my hair after my nails had been raking through it. I laid down. Dammit. Breathe.

Levi got back into the wagon, the world outside so quiet. Probably because the rest of them were holding their breath, waiting to find out if I was having another 'episode' or not. I wasn't. But they didn't know that. They couldn't trust that. How would they ever trust me agai–

"Hey." He laid down beside me and put his hand to my cheek, running his thumb under my tired eye, just waiting for me to look, to be present in that moment with him. I met his eyes and he gave a gentle smile, barely there, but thankfully I could read it now. "I know you're afraid. I know it's fucking terrifying to have this looming over you, really, I do. But please just… Remember when I was determined that Eren should kill me at the first sign of trouble?"

The rage simmered in my memory.

He nodded. "Exactly. You gave me hell for it. So I'll do the same if you start thinking this is a dead end. It's not. Don't get lost in that head of yours, okay? We're here. We're still a team."

A team I might kill.

A shiver ran through me and I nodded, keeping my lips tightly pursed.

His thumb moved there, running along my bottom lip gently. "I'm going to do everything I can, I promise. You're not going to be abandoned. We weren't there to help when that bastard did this to you, but I'm not about to give up on there being a solution now. Hear me? I am not losing hope. Please don't you do it either."

And that 'please' was so pleading, so desperate. He was as afraid as I was, probably more so, because he knew how much I could hate myself. On any normal day, let alone with this in my back pocket. I reached and ran my hand through his hair. I nodded. My voice would only shake and waver, so I stayed quiet, but he seemed to see something that helped. His smile returned for a moment.

"Thank you." He kissed the end of my nose. "We'll set off as soon as Ackerman is back, but you might as well go ahead and try to get to sleep, okay? I'll wake you when we're home."

Home. Where Hanji sat behind that big desk, holding the regiment up with her strong shoulders. Where Connie, Jean and Sasha could bicker about nothing at all for hours on end. Where Mikasa wowed the new recruits every single time, and Eren did his damndest to keep up. Where I had found my place. Where my memories of Petra and the squad lived. Where me and Levi had become us.

I didn't want to break that.

Levi gave my forehead a gentle kiss before he tucked the blanket close to me and shuffled out of the wagon, closing the cloth tarp, leaving me in a dim light haze. I let my eyes slowly close. My heart ached. He was holding on so tight, when it would probably be better for him to let go. If we couldn't find a way to avoid this phrasing… They all had to let go. But they wouldn't. Eren's fury had said that much, I could only imagine how Hanji would react. Dammit.

Levi.

Everyone.

I love you.

Run.

Aaand there we have it, cya next time