Clear skies and innocence
Summary: After Hak survives a flood and many battle injuries, he's traumatised and confused, leading him to act in a way that his innocent princess might consider inappropriate. This is Hak's perspective on that steamy moment after reuniting with Yona in chapter 225.
A/N: I just discovered Akatsuki no Yona and caught up with the manga obsessively quickly. Everything is so good! This piece contains spoilers for chapters 225 and 226 of the manga. This is Hak's reflection of a canon moment so nothing too explicit happens. But it's rated M for Hak's descriptive thoughts.
Hak woke with the sound of water raging in his ears. It was so loud. It was deafening. It was blinding. It was nauseating.
His eyes sprang open in a panic, and he felt a sense of urgency come over him. The river! The flood! Yoon was in danger! What was he doing lying down? He needed to get moving.
After jumping up, he was surprised by the wave of dizziness that took him back down to his knees. The pain in his body was intense. He'd had worse, but the exhaustion was making his wounds feel excruciating.
In his urge to keep moving, he disregarded his surroundings. He did not calm with the realisation that he was in a tent, or that injured dragons were dozing all around him. His vision was narrowed, and he could only see directly in front of him. All he knew was that he had to keep moving. The sound of the water was getting louder, and he needed to get Yoon to safety.
Dashing out of the tent he was not at all surprised by the water dripping steadily onto his head. It must have been close now. The water was coming. He was too late. There was not enough time.
"Hak?!"
He could already imagine the princess crying out to him, weeping over Yoon's body. At how he had failed to protect her dear friend. The flash of lighting and the sound of thunder drowned out his hallucinations of the princess's voice. Pity. He wanted to hear her voice one last time.
Someone was touching him, trying to get his attention. But he didn't have time. The guys in the village…they were all going to die!
He moved with more urgency, intending to get to Yoon and save as many as he could. Someone was grabbing him. Someone so small and weak that their tugging was inconsequential. Did they want to save him? But everyone else was in danger. The water. The darkness. He couldn't see anything. Where was he?
"Yoon is in the castle!" A voice cried out to him, barely audible over the sound of the water. "And Jae-ha and the others, and me, we're all here! You protected the Sen-jusou too!"
Huh? Hak thought. That voice…It sounds like…the princess.
Was he dreaming? Was he imagining that he hadn't failed? That he had somehow managed to protect Yoon and the Sen-jusou and that he was back with the princess? Or maybe he was dead. Maybe the flood had killed him. Maybe she had followed him in death since he was no longer there to protect her. In that case, was this heaven or hell?
"It's okay! It's okay now!" her desperate voice cried out to him. "You protected everyone, Hak!"
He stared down at her blankly. Her wild red hair was drenched, and she looked worried. If this was heaven, she wouldn't be so worn out and uncomfortable. And if this was hell…there was no way she would be here. So, what was this? A dream? Where was he?
"I protected them…? Even Kalgan and the others…? I see…"
Except he didn't. She was just telling him what he wanted to hear, wasn't she? This vision of the princess. At this point he was just humouring her. His head hurt. His ribs hurt. He wasn't thinking about what he was saying. But if there was really no urgency to save anyone, then maybe…just maybe…he could finally rest. He was so tired. Could he just stay here with her? No more fighting. No more running. Just him and her, even if it wasn't real.
"So, it's over…" he mumbled.
Except it wasn't. His heart was still pounding. The sound of the water was echoing. He still felt like there was something he needed to do. He was a lost, looking around himself with unseeing eyes. The sense of urgency only increased. He needed to move. He needed to do something. Something to be of use to her. Something to protect his friends. Something to…
The sound of the rain dimmed, and so did his panic. Hak blinked, slowly registering the hands cupping his ears, drowning out the noise. As his mind started to clear, his vision adjusted.
The princess stood before him. So short that she was nearly on tiptoe trying to reach his ears. Her amethyst eyes were so focused on him that he knew this could not be anyone else. She was drenched. She was scared. She was here.
"Princess…?" he asked blankly.
"Yes."
The smile she gave him was filled with relief and worry and kindness. She looked like Yona. She looked like home. He was safe. He knew that now. She was so close. Was it really her?
"Princess…" he choked out, leaning down to grab her and clutch her to him.
He held on for dear life. And she returned the pressure of his hug with all the strength of a kitten pretending to be a tiger.
She was so weak still. Though she was stronger than she had ever been, he knew she could not bear his weight. Yet, she held him up as he trembled. He allowed himself to lean on her. She was weak, but she was so much stronger than him.
He pulled back, staring at her blankly, unsure if she was really here. She looked worried as she looked around herself and led him away. He followed, blindly, as he always did. As he always would. He had no idea where she was taking him, but he knew it would be somewhere warm and safe. Like she was.
Trickles of memory poured into his mind. Being found after the flood. Infiltrating the Kai army. Fighting harder than he had ever fought before. Going back for that damn plant because Soo-Won's life depended on it, and Hak was not ready to let him die until he gave him a piece of his mind. The princess aiming an arrow at him with intent to kill. He was too exhausted to tell her how proud he was of her for her resolve. Then Soo-Won had taken up his vision. He didn't want to kill him anymore, at least he didn't think so. If only because the princess seemed to consider him vital to Kouka. And there were only a few things he valued more than his vengeance: the princess, his friends, his tribe, and the kingdom. He knew he had delivered the Sen-jusou to Soo-Won. After that, everything was a little hazy.
"Looks like a storage room," Yona was saying. "Let's use it to shelter from the rain."
Her words made him realise that they were somewhere warm and dry and safe. Alone. She was shaking out her umbrella and looking for a comfortable space to rest, although she seemed to be struggling to see. It was quite dark in here, with the distant lightning illuminating the room sporadically. But he could see fairly well in the dark. She looked so competent, leading him here, seeing to his comfort. He loved seeing the concern in her eyes, for him. Was it really her? Did he really manage to find his way back to her? He was still confused. But heaven or hell, he couldn't take one more minute away from her.
Without thinking overly much, he reached for her and hugged her from behind, not caring that he was dripping all over her. She was wet too anyway. She would end up getting a cold at this rate. They should both probably take their clothes off. If this was a dream, surely she wouldn't object, right?
"Hak…" she turned to him, eyes wide.
She was so beautiful. She was the sweetest dream. He never wanted to wake up.
Unable to resist, he turned her towards him and kissed her, desperately, hungrily.
"Ngh," she let out, taken aback by his sudden advances.
Normally, Hak would never have been so forward. He knew the princess was still nervous around him. Though she had professed her love for him, she still blushed and averted her eyes. She was so innocent. But right now, he did not care.
He wanted her desperately. To feel her. To know that she was here. He crushed her body to his and she leaned into his embrace. Her inexperience was clear, but she tilted her face up to deepen the kiss.
Hak did not hesitate to do so. He poured all his longing, all his desire, all his love into that kiss. And she kissed him back; her soft lips moulding around his. Hak increased the pressure and she moaned into his mouth, sending desire straight to his loins. He dropped to his knees with her still in his arms. He pressed her back against the wall, unable to stand how far away she still seemed, even though he had already reduced all the space between them.
She leaned into him, pressing her body eagerly against his. She practically melted in his arms, allowing him to handle her like she was putty in his hands. He couldn't stop kissing her. He knew he was trembling. He knew she was too. But all he wanted was to get closer.
He nibbled on her lips, making her sigh and moan and open her mouth wider for him. He slipped his tongue into the opening, taking full advantage of her gasping breath to stroke her hot, wet tongue with his.
She tasted so sweet. So delicious. This was the best dream.
She jerked a little at the feel of his tongue and he could feel her heart racing. She seemed confused that she was enjoying it. So innocent. So sweet. He could feel her nipples harden even through the thick material, but she was getting scared and trying to pull away. Hak wouldn't let her. This was his dream. And he was going to have her in every way he had possibly imagined.
He deepened the kiss, wrapping his arms around her lower back and pulling her body tighter against the stiffened part of him that was straining towards her.
"Hak, ah!" she moaned, her face flushed as she tried to pull away. "Wait. Wai –"
"Is the one before me really the princess…?" he asked, pulling away only slightly so that he could catch his breath.
Her cheeks were red. Her eyes were glazed. Her mouth was parted, her lips swollen, her chest heaving. It was obvious to him, if not to her. She wanted him. She was confused by the way her body was reacting, but he was not.
He knew that if he slipped his hand under her robe right now and trailed his fingers all the way up, he would find her delicious nectar pooling for him. What he wouldn't give to lap up that overflowing honey with his tongue and not have her stop him this time.
"It's not a dream, right?" he asked her, still unsure on this point.
Her tiny hands were on his chest, and she seemed unsure about whether he was being serious or not. She looked so indecisive. Like part of her wanted to back up and take shelter against the wall, even while another part was straining not to lean even further into him. Her breathing was shallow. Her breasts were heaving. Hak leaned in, aiming to swallow her gasping breaths even more.
He wanted to take her breath away, like she often took his. He wanted to make her heart race, like his always did around her. He wanted to make her loins throb, like his were.
She leaned into his kiss, returning the pressure hesitantly. She wanted him so badly. But still shyly. Still uncertainly. Like she wasn't sure what she was doing. Like she wasn't sure she was allowed to. His princess. So sweet. Every time he kissed her, she grew a little bolder. And the more he kissed her, the more difficult it was to stop.
He loved her. She loved him. Maybe it didn't mean the same thing to her s it did to him, but he could show her. He could show her the way he wanted to love her. He could worship her with his body and make her feel the way she made him feel. Crazy. Dizzy. Hungry.
Before he knew what he was doing, he was slipping her coat off her shoulders and pulling her more tightly against him.
"Hak…" she moaned, exciting him further.
It didn't sound like she was complaining either. Slowly, he leaned forward, pressing her body down on the floor. His tongue massaged hers as he straddled her between his knees and covered her body with his. He pressed himself flush against her, finally feeling the way their bodies fit together.
How long had he been wanting to do this with her? How often had he resisted his urges, turned away from her, taunted her so she wouldn't see the depths of his affection and desire?
She looked up at him warily. A little nervous, a little excited, a lot hesitant. Huh? Shouldn't she be more willing if this was his dream? Droplets of water dripped from the strands of his hair to fall on her cheeks and her throat.
He had his princess warm and wet beneath him. He was hard and straining against her soft thighs. Not that she seemed to know what it was that was pressing against her. But he could show her, quite easily. He simply needed to trail his hands down, raise up her robe, gently spread her legs, and finally, slowly, lovingly make her his. It would be so easy. Too easy. This was a position he had never thought he would ever find himself in. That thought confused him even more. Something was wrong, wasn't it?
"Am I still in the water?" he asked of no one in particular, not expecting an answer. "Am I still on the battlefield? My head is so dizzy."
He tried to piece together the puzzle that was his memories, but his head was throbbing. He remembered being surrounded by enemies, standing there close to death, and still determined to keep on fighting so he could make it back to her.
"At that time, I thought: 'won't I be able to see her anymore'? Am I alive? Am I dead?"
Hak's head was swimming as he recalled that moment. When he was wounded and surrounded by enemies. The moment he had doubted his own skill. When he had doubted that he could get back to her with only his willpower. Had he really died back then? No. He couldn't have died like that. He was going to die protecting her. He had already decided that. He refused to go out any other way.
The memories faded away and the delightful image of Yona on her back, between his legs, came back into focus. Her eyes were wide, and she was watching him with concern like he was an unpredictable animal. Her breathing had calmed while he had lost focus. But her cheeks were still flushed.
Hak reached for her hand and entwined their fingers. He could already imagine her tiny hand squeezing his tightly when she was in the throes of passion. There was so much he wanted to do with her. So much he wanted to show her. He had almost lost his way back to her. He was not going to take this moment for granted, even if it was only a dream.
"I don't know if I'm dreaming or not…" Hak said, leaning into her body and determined to have his way with her. "So, I don't know if I'm allowed to do something like this…"
He knew his voice had taken on a seductive quality. He knew she must feel him pressed against her thigh. He knew that if this weren't a dream, she would stop him. So, the fact that she was letting him continue meant that…
"It…it's not allowed!" The princess cried out, bonking him on the head with a chop that had surely used all her strength.
Ow, Hak thought grumpily.
She was really not that strong, physically, but he was fairly certain he already had a head wound because the blow to the head had left him temporarily seeing two princesses.
On the other hand, it seemed to have cleared up some of the fog in his brain. Yona was still on the ground in front of him, though she was self-consciously pushing at him as she tried to sit up on her knees and regain her composure. He let her push him away as he sat up carefully and really looked around himself.
They were in some sort of storeroom. It was raining outside. They were drenched. And he had…yes, no doubt about it, he had tried to seduce his princess in a dusty room on a hard wooden floor. Shit! This was not a dream. She was really here! And he had been completely inappropriate with her. At least he hadn't started groping her, he thought with relief and shame.
"It's pitch-black and I can't see anything! Now I'm getting really light-headed too!" she complained, seemingly unaware that it was her desire that was making her light-headed.
Hak had not imagined that part. She had been willing, until his confused mind had taken things too far. She really did desire him. The thought comforted him. While he was mostly regretful, his posture was contrite, he was also really happy. If nothing else, he now knew that the princess would have stopped him if she had hated his advances. She had liked it. He had just gone too fast for her. As though to confirm his thoughts, she bowed her shoulders and grumbled to him.
"Everything is going so fast that I can't say anything," she scowled, her face beet red.
Hak could see in the dark much better than she could. And he tried not to let her adorable expression affect him into continuing his advances.
"I'm sorry."
Hak had never wanted to hurt her. He never wanted to push her into doing something she was not ready for. He had spent so long hiding his love for her, once he figured out what it was he was feeling. He had become too comfortable lately. Knowing that she returned his feelings, even to a small extent, had opened the floodgates for all the desire he had been suppressing. She didn't deserve that. Of course, she felt desire for him in return. He was constantly around her, in semi-private settings, and he was constantly flirting with her – even though she thought he was teasing. She depended on and trusted him. He was convenient. If they were back in the palace and she was surrounded by suitors, she might not choose him.
He knew that, and it had never bothered him before. He would never have considered becoming one of her suitors back then. He had ceded any possible intentions for the sake of her happiness with Soo-Won. But now he could not imagine giving her up without a fight. He was determined to become a suitor one day. She deserved to be courted and romanced and made love to. After she was in a safe and secure environment, after she could get some womanly advice, and only after all the proper procedures were followed. She was still so innocent. She deserved far more respect than he was giving her. He was an idiot.
"It was painful when you weren't here," his princess shyly admitted, making him look back down at her and snap himself out of his thoughts.
She was blushing. She was emotional. Her eyes were watery, and she was avoiding eye contact. Hak's heart melted. How much time had really passed between the flood and now? Had she thought he was dead? Had she wept for him? Mourned for him?
"And yet now you're right in front of me, and I…" she trailed off, looking down once more.
"You…?" Hak prompted, hoping she would finish her sentence.
But her face only got redder as she stared at his chest. He was a little confused. When she had said she had loved him, he wasn't sure how much she had meant it. She had loved Soo-Won for so long, and Hak had repressed his feelings for so long, and she had been so oblivious for so long, that it had felt quite out of the blue for her to say she loved him. He had always thought that maybe she was just returning his sentiment out of obligation.
But now, he could see that she had meant it. The fear in her eyes when she spoke about him being missing. The desperate way she had returned his kiss. The way she was currently holding herself back from touching him, when it was clear that she wanted to. She loved him.
"Me too, when I was thinking about you it was painful," Hak admitted, "but when you're in front of me…"
Everything feels right, he thought. Because I love you.
"When I'm here…?" Yona prompted him nervously, the same way he had with her.
What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he say it? He had said it before. And he had become so comfortable admitting his feelings since then. But after just accosting her, he suddenly felt like he didn't deserve to say it. She deserved better than someone who couldn't control his urges.
He wasn't sure what his face looked like, but the princess suddenly looked at him strangely. She reached out with a slightly trembling hand and touched his arm. He was confused by the gesture, but it seemed to have brought her some relief.
She exhaled heavily and scooted forward on her knees to embrace him.
"Princess?"
Hak's eyes went wide with surprise. What was with her? She had seemed to want to keep a safe distance from him and now she was the one squeezing him so tightly. And yet, there was not an inch of desire in the hug, merely a ravenous need to comfort him, and show her appreciation for him being alive.
"What are you doing?" Hak asked, sarcastically.
He was enjoying her attention too much and immediately fell back on his stoic teasing. It was only then that he realised he felt almost normal. His head had stopped throbbing. He was no longer trembling. He finally felt like he could breathe again.
Yona ignored his baiting and crawled further between his legs to squeeze his midriff as tightly as she could. Her face was screwed up with the effort she put into it and her breathing seemed to come easier too.
Hak scratched his head, confused by her action, considering she had objected to being between his legs earlier. It must be different when she was the one initiating contact. Or maybe it was different because it was just a hug, and he wasn't on top of her.
So, I guess that's allowed, he thought with some degree of self-chastisement.
When she showed no signs of letting go of him, Hak circled his arms around her and held her close. Her grip loosened as his tightened. As though she no longer needed to cling to him, as long as they were bound together tightly somehow. Within minutes she had fallen asleep.
Hak looked down at her and smiled. She must have been exhausted. Probably her worry for him had exhausted her more. And she had mostly likely tended to him when she should have been sleeping. Hak shifted them so she was propped against his side. It would not do for her to wake up in his lap and panic at how she had gotten there. He rested his back against the wall so he could support her better.
He stroked her hair soothingly, placing soft kisses on her forehead, revelling in her scent and just being here with her.
"I love you," he whispered to her.
He finally felt like he could say it again. Not because she was asleep. But because he trusted his own mind again. He would never pressure her again. Never hurt her. He was determined to deserve her. He would be the one she wanted when things calmed down and she was finally free to make a choice.
With her warmth against his side, he drifted off to sleep. Some time near dawn he was awoken by her soft, melodic voice.
"Hak," she whispered. "Wake up. Let's go."
Hak was still a little drowsy and dizzy, but he followed behind her, as he always did. As he walked, the memories of the day before came through clearly. He flushed with humiliation, trying to remember through the confusion.
"Princess, I…yesterday…"
Hm? Huh? A dream? Hak tried to remember, but cringed when images of pressing his princess up against a wall and lying on top of her entered his mind. No, that wasn't a dream. Shit…
He covered his face in his embarrassment, struggling to regain the nonchalant expression he usually wore in front of her. How was he ever going to look her in the eyes again? He couldn't pretend that he had only been teasing, could he? Not this time.
"Look," Yona drew his attention to the sunrise. "The dawn is beautiful."
She looked back at him with eyes so filled with compassion that he just knew she wouldn't hold the night before against him. And with surprise he finally saw it. The love in her eyes as she looked at him. It was so obvious that Hak wondered how he had never seen it there before. When had that happened? Why had he doubted it?
"The sky is clear now," she smiled at him, as though she knew exactly how much the rain had upset him before.
I don't hear the sound of the water anymore, he thought as he looked at her. How beautiful.
She was all he could see. She drowned out any noise. Wiped away all his worries. He stared at her, like she was all that mattered. And she was. Purer than the rain. More beautiful than the dawn. His princess.