As always I loved your comments!
I was surprised to see your thoughts on Christian bathing Leila. That's actually something he did in the og story and I simply reused it. Did you have higher expectations of this version of Christian or did you dislike this in the original story too?
Let me know.
xx
That night I couldn't sleep. Even after lying close to Ana, smelling her fragrant hair. After hours of twisting and turning, I stand up to play the piano. What a horrible week it has been.
And Ana is still in the dark. I need to talk to her.
After another hour playing the piano I finally decide that I need a sleeping pill. I hate taking those. It always feels like an invitation for drugs to me. As if I'm a recovering alcoholic about to slip any moment. Sometimes I wonder if my birth mother did take drugs when she was pregnant with me. Maybe I had some withdrawal symptoms when I was born. Making me a horrible cry baby to take care of. Maybe that's why she didn't love me? Seeing Leila has made me remember her more often than I like. Being trapped in a fate one can no longer change...
Back to reality I feel sleep approaching me. I lay down next to Ana, taking her into an half embrace. Keeping her as close as possible, I drift off.
Something is disrupting me far too quickly. I'm still tired, I really need a little more rest to be able to function.
When my brain decides to register what is going on, I see Ana hovering over me. Grabbing my shoulders, trying to wake me up.
"Ana." I groan and sound like a teenager going through voice break.
"It's alright. It was just a dream. You're here. You're safe." She repeats, over and over again. Gently caressing my scalp and face. She leans down to kiss me. Slowly my consciousness is coming back, the effects of my sleeping pill making me dull and slow.
Did I have a nightmare? Normally I would be able to remember every detail. I sit up and rub my face. Jesus, I'm drenched in sweat. Ana looks worried, I probably was loud or did I say something that frightened her?
"I'm alright." I say to soothe her. Her expression doesn't change.
"It was your birth mum right?" she asks into the darkness.
How would she know?
"Actually.. I don't remember. Did I say something?" I pinch my eyes close again to see if I can picture where I left off.
There is something. A feeling of.. Pity? Normally I'm just frightened or angry, furious even, in my dreams. Frightened of him, angry at her. What she did to me, what she didn't do.
Tonight I feel regret. And I can't put my finger on it why.
"Yes. You called out to her. You said you were sorry." Ana says and strokes my cheek.
I said I am sorry? To my birth mum? Fucking joke.
"Sorry for what." I say out loud before I can stop myself. Unable to wait for Ana's reply I peel out of bed and strip off my sweaty shirt. I don't care what time it is. I need a shower.
"Are you mad at me?" Ana asks while I'm showering.
"Of course not. Why would I be?" Sometimes it bothers me that she is so insecure. So doubting of what we have. Doesn't she understand in the least what she means to me?
"You are very distant lately. It feels like you're avoiding me." It probably doesn't help that I've avoided sex with her since I came back from San Diego. I feel.. guilty for not telling her about Leila and guilt is a feeling I have a hard time to digest. Somehow fucking Ana while hiding something so big felt wrong.
"And we haven't made love in a while now.. Which makes me wonder if I did something that bothers you? Gives you nightmares? Or maybe didn't do? That served you as an outlet in the past?"
"No." I don't know what else to say.
"Are you still disgusted by me because of the rape kink?"
What the fuck. I can't believe it! Did she just say I'm still disgusted by her? Angry, my mind stops working and I dive head first into my own death sentence.
I will set this right. Once and for all. I walk out of the shower, the water still running, when I grab Ana's head and kiss her feverishly. Forgotten my nightmare and the effects of the sleeping pill. Ana is doubting our relationship and I'm going to show her how satisfying everything she's offering me is. No. I'm not missing anything at all. And if words won't persuade her, action hopefully will.
At this point I'm freezing, so I pull her back into the shower. She doesn't protest when the water soaks her t-shirt or when I roughly push her against the tiled wall. No time to undress her completely, I just pull down her clinging panties. I hope she's ready for me, cause there's no fucking way I can fool around now. I hoist her up and pound into her. Ana moans which is all I need to hear that going right at it was a good decision. I push into her, roughly. Maybe a little too rough. It doesn't help that at this point I'm letting all of the piled up emotions pour out of me.
Anger. Frustration. Confusion.
Ana comes, clinging onto my shoulder. It doesn't take me long to follow. When I put her down, she's glowing and we kiss under the steady water of the shower. I'd let this moment last forever if I could.
Dried off and naked we lay in bed.
"I hope this cleared once and for all if I'm lacking sexual satisfaction with you or judge your kinks." I say which makes Ana giggle. Suddenly I feel not so humorous anymore. I will regret not talking to her before this.
"I love you." She says and plants small kisses on the corner of my mouth, going down my neck and ending on my sternum. It almost feels pleasant of her to touch me there. I'm really getting the hang of it.
"I love you, Ana. With everything I am and everything I have."
"So flamboyant, Mr. Grey." She jokes while her head descends down to my groin. I know where she's headed and for once in my life I don't want her to do what she's about to do.
"I mean it." I say and grab her head tenderly for her to look up again. Hopefully she won't misunderstand my action. Her blue eyes bore into mine. Questioning. Insecure. Loving.
"I love you so much. I'll never forgive myself if anything happens to you."
"Why should something happen to me?"
This is it. This will end in a fight.
"Ana.. " Shit. I don't want this to end in a fight. Maybe I should have been honest right from the beginning.
Like the fucking chicken that I am, I stand up to walk to my closet and manage to put on my boxers and pants. I need some space to collect all my gut to do this. Ana follows me while tying on her robe.
"What is it Christian?" she says, alarmed. She puts on her robe.
"I didn't go to San Diego for business." She stays silent. "I went to see Leila Williams."
"Who is she?" she asks timidly.
"She's one of my ex submissives.. " At first she just stares at me and I don't know how to proceed telling her what I've done. Then she just turns around and leaves. Isn't she even going to hear the whole thing?
"Ana."
"Don't 'Ana' me Christian!" Boy, I didn't expect this to blow up right away. Maybe after I explained more..
"Did you go there to play out a scene?"
"What? No!" Does she really think I'd cheat on her?
"Did you sleep with her?" she asks and her eyes are empty, deadly looking.
"Of course not. She's ill, she's in a psych ward, getting the help that she needs, I just went to see her."
Angrily she wipes away a wet strand of hair that clung to her cheek.
"Really? And you think I'm stupid enough that I'll believe that? Why hide your trip from me then? God! I knew something was up. Never did I think you'd betray me like this.. " and then she starts crying.
I grab her shoulders. "Ana, please can you just calm down for a second and let me explain."
"Calm down? You just told me you flew all the way to San Diego to see your ex, you hid that from me, came back days ago, didn't see it necessary to tell me. Now that we've fucked, now you think it's suitable to spill your guts? You know what Grey. I don't care what you have to say."
Panic rises in me. I knew she wouldn't take it well but this is going thermonuclearly wrong. Why wouldn't she even listen.
Ana is almost out of my bedroom door. I grab a shirt to put on and go after her.
"She used to work for EE." I say loudly, Ana stops in her tracks. "I heard she somehow got out, I wanted to ask her how she did it. For you. For us." How can I put so many things in so little words. Why couldn't Ana give me the time to properly explain myself.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want to frighten you or make you question our relationship again.." God, I hope she's not thinking of leaving.
"Tell me everything. No secrets." She says and sits back down on the bed. I contemplate only telling her about Leila but sooner or later she would find out about Sandra.
Honesty. That's what I want from her and what she deserves from me.
When I finish talking she stares out of the window.
"Ana?" is she frightened now? Doesn't she understand that I will protect her no matter what.
"You and Leila. You just talked?" I can't believe it. I've just told her there's a possibility she might be in real trouble and all she can think about is if I've been infidel.
"We talked. I bathed her. She'll be relocated to a facility which was recommended by Flynn."
"You bathed her?!" She jumps up again.
"They didn't take care of her there. She was filthy and I.. felt guilty. It didn't mean anything. It was like taking care of.. a child."
"What do you even know about taking care of a child?!" Shit. She's angry and in tears again. I stand up to comfort her but she withdraws herself form me.
"Please, it didn't mean anything. I love you, baby. I've only ever loved you."
"You should have thought about that before you decided to bathe the woman you had a full blown sexual relationship with!" With that she storms out. I need a moment to collect myself.
Who am I kidding. I fucked up. I've never seen Ana this hurt before. When I go out to look for her she's dressed and on her way to the door.
"Are you leaving?" I can't hide the panic. Is she leaving me for good?
"I need some space." She replies without looking at me. For a second I want to fall onto my knees and ask her to stay. Other than bruising my ego it wouldn't change anything though. I'll still be the asshole that broke her trust. "You don't get it, do you?" She continues. "You hurt me by keeping this a secret, the same way you hurt Elliot by never confiding in him. You never let anyone get close to you. I can't believe I have let you do this to me for so long!"
She is definitely breaking up with me.
"You said you loved me.. is that in the past now?" Speaking those words are painful. Shit. My non existent heart feels like its getting ripped apart at this point. My head.. I know this feeling. I've experienced it years ago when someone accidentally touched me on my chest. That's a panic attack.
"I said, I need some space. I'm not sure I'm leaving for good yet." Oh God, Ana. Please don't do this. In my mind, I'm begging her to stay. In reality I'm frozen in place, unable to move. What is it she sees in me anyway? There never was a reason for her to love me.
Even after she presses the button for the elevator I'm still in trance. But then the door is almost closing and Ana is inside.
"Ana!" I yell.
"Christian." She sobs. And then she's gone.
No, this can't be happening again. I grab the keys from the kitchen and head after her. I don't care that I'm only wearing jogging pants and a t-shirt. Fuck the CEO persona.
As I reach the garage I'm not sure where she went. It's still dark outside. What time is it anyway? 5 a.m.? Did she go home? Maybe I should just track her phone?
She'd hate me even more for doing that. So I decide to drive to my brother's and Kates apartment where she had been staying for the last few months. I cannot help myself and search for her car or any sign of her on the way there.
But she didn't come here. I call her. She doesn't pick up.
Baby, please don't do this.
So I decide to wait in the car, for God knows how long. After all she'll come home again. I just need to be patient.
It's almost sunrise when I see her death trap car park a few spots ahead of me. I probably should have thought about a plan when she arrives. But my brain is unable to work right now. I'm in survival mode.
Of course it's starting to rain now. How else should it be. I see Ana hurriedly approaching her apartment complex. She doesn't see me when I jump out of the driver's seat.
"Ana!" She jumps at my voice but stops from going inside.
At this point we're getting drenched in the rain. I hope she doesn't catch a cold.
"I said I need some space, Christian."
"I know.. I'll give you all the space you need just.. Please tell me you won't leave me."
"Christian.." she says and its almost a sob.
"Ana, I know I fucked up. I never meant to hurt you.. I'm just shitty at explaining myself."
A young man exists the door that she was about to open and gives us a weird look.
"Christian, I can't do this right now."
Shit. She already has set up her mind?
Instinctively I grab her shoulders, she doesn't fight me
"I only did that for you. I only went to see her to protect you. It looks the other way around, I know. Don't you believe me?"
"I don't know what to believe anymore." She whispers and her tears get mixed with the rain that's pouring onto us.
"Just believe that I love you."
"How? How do I know what you're saying is true?"
I stare at her, letting the rain drench our clothing. Ana begins to turn around to open that door again. I'm loosing her and I all I ever wanted was her to be mine.
"Marry me."