Hello guys, it's been a minute since I wrote something. This is purely self-indulgent and a big projection of my feelings about this struggle. Nevertheless, I do see a lot of adhd characteristics in Elizabeth so I'm rolling with it. I might add a second chapter.
Also english is not my first language and I've adhd (obvs!) so I'm sorry in advance for the typos.
Please enjoy and leave a comment if you're up for it.
It's been a month since she settled into the office on the 7th floor. As she took a bite from the pasta salad Blake brought her she was reflecting on the past month. She was pleased with Blake's work and now, even more confident that she could trust him in being her guy. And she needed someone to be her guy in this job - more than she was aware a month ago. A smile took her face remembering the time she called Blake saying "I have a crazy job offer for you" and he said yes even before she told him what the job would be. Crazy how loyalty works.
Adjusting to this new reality, to this job, the always on-call hours have been exhausting. But she and Blake were learning how to make it work.
But she knew it's only been a month - it hasn't been enough time for the train to derail without the exercise, with the poor sleep and food routine but if she kept going like this it would happen - it was only a matter of time until her mind slipped and she made a stupid or irreversible mistake.
It was time to let Blake in on her condition, calling it a disorder was never an option even when only thinking about it.
"Don't overthink it Elizabeth! Just tell him" she thought. Fear of prejudice was a terrifying thing. Imagining that minuscule change in Blake's eyes when she would tell him her truth, as it happened before with Isabelle many years back.
She sighed remembering the moment… They remained friends and Isabelle never showed any blunt prejudice about it but her eyes changed, and her perception of Elizabeth changed. She repeated plans and report deadlines to her to try to make Elizabeth not forget (?) why she started doing that Elizabeth didn't know, maybe she didn't trust her the same. They never spoke about it again and stayed friends but the damage was done.
But this is Blake! Her TA in UVA, Blake! He has seen her mistakes when she was spiraling but he also told her how he admired her ability to present a subject in class in a new way or how she could grade all 150 tests in a day.
"Blakeee, could you come here please" - She called for him without giving it any more thought before she changed her mind again.
Blake showed at the door buttoning his blazer - "Yes Mam, how can I help?"
"Do we have 5 minutes to talk for a bit?" She asked still unsure but not wanting to be interrupted after starting the conversation.
Blake looked at her puzzled by the insecurity on her face "I believe so Mam, the next meeting on your agenda is still 20 minutes away".
"Please close the door and come sit, we need to have a chat". - It's now or never.
Blake sat on the sofa, next to her, uncomfortable and unsure, running the last few hours through his head looking for some mishap or something that could've done to upset her.
"Uh Mam, did I forget something or did something wrong? I know you wanted something greasy for lunch but Dr McCord made me promise that I would try to feed you healthy food for at least 3 days in a row before caving into the greasy stuff. And I know that I need to be more aware of Mr. Jackson when he comes here, but he is so fast and small, most of the time I only know he is here by his heavy breathing when he is already halfway in your offi-" He was ranting, it was adorable but she needs to get this over with. Smiling she interrupted him gesturing a hand up his way. "You're ok Blake! More than ok! But I didn't know you and Henry plotted against me" She pretended to be upset letting a smirk play on her face. "I would counterpoint that we plot in your favor actually" - he responded under his breath smiling.
Letting the moment die down stared at her hands on her lap taking a breath of courage.
"I wanna tell you something about me because I need your help managing it" - She said still not looking at him. "You can tell me anything Mam" Blake said without missing a bit.
Looking him in the eyes, conveying how important this was she started by laying in some ground "Before I start please know that you can ask me any question you have about this - a - thing that I'm about to tell you. But I also need to count on your discretion to handle it."
"Of course Mam, you can count on me" - now he was getting jittery from the nervous energy she exude.
"I have ADHD and I need your help managing it because with the crazy rhythm and hours we are on, I'm sure that if I'm not careful with it sooner or later something's gotta give and I really would not like to authorize a bombing in some place by mistake." Boom done, nice word vomit Elizabeth - "Don't look up" - she thought - "Don't look at it. That way you won't see the little sparkle fade".
Blake was without words. "What?" he thought. And then he took notice of her demeanor, she looked so small right now, like some little girl and nothing like the confident, smart, and loud woman he knew and looked up to. Putting his hand on her shoulder to get her attention he said with conviction and love "Elizabeth, thank you for telling me. How can I help?"
She looked up at him, dreading what she would find, but surprised to find a look of understanding. "Uh do you have questions?" she wanted to be completely honest with him, after Henry, this was "her guy" - the only other man she was learning to trust with her life.
"Well, I do have questions, not gonna lie, but those can wait. Tell me how can I help you"
Hearing that, she took it as a starting point to share more "Oh ok, so aaah for me jogging a few times a week helps keep my mind clear".
"We can work that into your schedule, Fred and the guys will love the excuse to keep in shape" he said smiling. He was calm, giving her time to share as much as she wanted.
"A-and food is also important. And here I reeeally need your help because I will always want greasy salty food but you need to help me get protein in especially in the morning. And I crave sugary stuff like chocolate or peanut butter when my brain has been going non-stop and is getting tired so that's a good thing to keep in mind I think." He smiled at that, what he knew about Elizabeth was making so much more sense now.
Before he could speak, she got up, pacing the floor and gesticulating to continue " And I will fight you on the food!" She said pointing at him - "even knowing that I shouldn't, so you'll have to be the bad guy sometimes." He looked at her with an eyebrow raised defying "Ok, you'll have to be the bad almost every day when it comes to food. Also, because I will forget to eat often, especially when we are dealing with something urgent or looking for solutions on something. I will be in hyper-focus mode and forget to eat, or well, let's face it I'll forget any basic need basically."
"Ok, what else?" - He tried to keep calm and give an open and relaxed vibe, she was being vulnerable with him and she needed that to be safe he thought.
"I-I don't know, uh, sleep anytime possible would be nice and water is extremely important. I would like to aim for half a gallon a day, more or less."
"Ok, that's doable" he was looking at the door already imagining her schedule and how he would accommodate this. Running everything she said in his mind he looked at her wanting to ask something without offending her. "Uh Mam?", she looked his way again, and sensing his uncertainty she moved back towards the couch and sat unceremoniously looking like she just run an emotional marathon "You can ask me anything, Blake"
He went for it - "What about medication? Should I be aware of any meds on a daily basis?"
"That's a good question" She said, taking some time to collect herself picking on an invisible lint on the couch between them - even she wasn't sure about the answer. "Well the meds I have are good for deadlines and structured work but they make my head kinda fuzzy and take away the good parts of the thing." "What-you-mean?" He asked silently but full of curiosity, afraid of scaring her.
"When I'm on them I am not so fast of a thinker or as good coming up with solutions or new ideas or-or running scenarios with multiple possible outcomes - I guess that's the upper side of having a mind that never stops" She said with a bittersweet side smile. "And emotionally I feel kinda detached like there's a filter between my heart and the world. I don't know how to better explain it - Does it make sense?" She was unsure if she was being clear enough with her words, a feeling that was permanent since she can remember.
Taking in everything he reply "Oh ok, so no meds on most days here - got it" He said bringing some levity to the situation. She smiled - "Yeah, I think I'll keep away from the meds for a while". Sensing the silence in the office brought by the heaviness of the subject for the time since he sat with her she took a deep breath asking sincerely and almost motherly "Do you have any other questions?"
Staring ahead he let out "No, right now I'm just thinking how everything about you makes more sense now and how at the same time I didn't catch it sooner. I-I could've helped more or be more understanding on so many occasions since we met, I'm-i'm sor-" He was replaying in his head the last few years they worked together, every time he made fun of a typo on a paper she wrote, or when she spoke a thousand miles per hour explaining a part of his thesis and he stayed quite irritated and willing her in his mind to slow down or seeing her students chuckle and tease when she went on a tangent explaining a subject in class ending with a "what was I saying?!".
"Hey, no. Don't do that. This is not on you Blake" She willed him to look at her, patting him on the shoulder. "I-I actually work a lot to hide it, don't take away my merit" She said smirking. Becoming serious she confessed "Only two people know. Well, three now. Isabelle and obviously Henry." Speaking of Henry brought a small and a pensive look to her eyes "He encouraged me to tell you, I-I've been debating it for a while, since the confirmation actually"
Blake just stared at her, "I'm sorry if you didn't think you could tell me". "No, I'm glad I did! You are my guy here Blake! And I trust you!" she assured him. Looking him in the eyes she said thankfully "I'll have to thank Henry, he called it"
"What do you mean?" - Now Blake had a sense he was out on some inside joke. Elizabeth explained "Well, he said that you would not look at me any differently - which is a big insecurity for me as you might imagine. And looking at you now I can see he was right - as always!" she finished rolling her eyes playfully.
Looking at her he had an incredulous look on his face "Elizabeth?" - using her first name still felt strange, but he felt the situation asked for it so he was checking to see if she was ok with it.
When she nodded smiling he continued "Elizabeth, I don't think you understand the utter admiration I have for your intelligence, integrity, and overall humanity" He looked down needing the courage to continue "You are a mentor to me and also I would like to think - that you are a friend too. So I would never think any less of you for this. In any case, I actually feel grateful that you trust me enough to confide in me and I also feel thankful that you have ADHD because it is part of that big brain of yours." Looking at her again he saw misty eyes full of gratefulness "That's a lot of feelings" she replied jokingly "Ha-ha so funny" he replied rolling his eyes but eventually, he joined her in the laugh.
That's how Nadine found them, entering the office after gently knocking on the door - big smiles and relaxed demeanor, looking like a big weight was lifted from them.
"Mam, I'm sorry to cut your lunch short but we just got word from the embassy in Cairo, Ambassador Torres had a car accident an-" Blake got up from the sofa, buttoned his jacket, and started taking care of the food tray, softly smiling he looked at her one last time saying "I'll bring you some water in a minute".