CHAPTER 5: The angels
They heard the sound of the door, indicating they were now alone. Aziraphale bit his lower lip and began to finger his silver tie in a nervous gesture. Crowley, for his part, didn't move. He stood there with his arms on his hips and that expression that mixed disbelief and resentment. Aziraphale gave him a weak smile.
- He-hello, Crowley. I'm glad… I'm so glad to see you, you know? You look g…
The demon started walking slowly towards him with a look like "I'm going to punch you so hard I'm gonna make you dance". Fearful, Aziraphale took a step back and babbled something unintelligible. He was pretty sure Crowley would not hurt him but… The truth was that everything was quite unpredictable at that moment.
When he reached him, Crowley took the champagne from his hand, turned on his heel, and began to retrace his steps, taking long gulps directly from the bottle. Aziraphale, once danger had passed, stopped holding his breath and tried to resume the insubstantial conversation.
- Well… Tell me… How…? How are you doing?
Crowley turned around again and smiled contemptuously at him. Ignoring his question, he scanned him from top to bottom and from bottom to top.
- Wow… wow… wow… - He said, sarcastically - You've come back as a real boss, suited and booted and giving orders - He pointed with a gesture to the door through which Muriel had just left.
- No, no… That… I just…
- Can I continue addressing you informally, or should I treat you as "thou", Most Honourable Supreme Archangel? - He made a theatrical bow.
- Allow me to tell you you are being a little silly.
- Oh, excuse me, Your Excellency. I'm just a miserable demon, not used to dealing with the celestial aristocracy. Glub, glub, glub - Aziraphale sighed, dejected.
- Come on, Crowley. I knew you weren't going to make it easy for me, but this is…
- EASY?! - Crowley practically spat that word - Are you saying that "I" am not making it easy for "YOU"?
- Well… Not much, actually - Aziraphale responded, with a touch of indignation in his voice.
- Do you think by chance you made it easy for me when you left to go bossing around in Heaven?!
Crowley wanted to tell him how much he had missed him, that his departure had been the most painful thing he had ever experienced, that since he left, barely anything made sense. He wanted to tell him that, now they had met again, it was necessary for him to stay forever, always by his side, because he wouldn't be able to bear to lose him again. He wanted to tell him all that and many other things, but he was too hurt to do so. Only reproaches came to his mouth and he was aware that, with every word, he was hurting Aziraphale.
- Do you think it's been easy to keep dragging myself through this world after your contempt, knowing as you know I have nowhere else to go? But you don't care about that, right? You're a big guy now, why would you care about me?
Indeed, each recrimination from the demon was for Aziraphale like being punched in the pit of his stomach. After all he had been through, now he had returned to Earth, the place he loved so much and considered his home, he bumped into that.
It was true that Crowley couldn't know how guilty he had felt all that time for leaving him behind, that not a single minute had passed without wondering if he was okay, how much he wanted to see him again. But Aziraphale had already suffered more than he could bear to be sympathetic. He felt insulted and misunderstood. He was fed up with everything and everyone.
- I asked you in every possible way to come with me. I offered you to do great things together. I couldn't have made it easier for you!
- You knew perfectly well that I couldn't go back there!
- You knew that what they were offering me was greater than you and I!
Crowley and Aziraphale were already yelling openly at each other, each giving way to their resentment and pointing accusatory fingers at each other.
- NOT FOR ME! For me there was nothing greater than you and I! - Crowley's rage subsided a little, but only to let out the horrible sadness in which he had been drowning during all that time - I told you, angel. I was honest with you. I slit opened my damn heart and poured it all out in front of you. And what did you do? You took everything I gave you and spit it all in my face.
- - That is not true and you know it - Aziraphale responded, with a voice that trembled because of indignation and pain.
- You said "I forgive you". I. FORGIVE. YOU. Damn! How can you be so conceited? How can you forgive someone for LOVING YOU!
- I wanted the world to be a better place and you were trying to stop me! That's what I forgave you for! You were selfish!
- Do you know what's the issue, little angel? I'll tell you. That you have never stopped seeing me as a demon. For you I've always been "one of the bad guys". YOU HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOURSELF BETTER THAN ME!
- You could have come with me! To be an angel again! I begged you!
- I begged you too but obviously I'm not enough for you! - Aziraphale stomped on the ground in pure rage.
- I pleaded you! I told you I needed you and it was true! But you didn't want to listen! You left me alone, with those horrible people, without caring what might happen to me! YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN MY FRIEND!
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Unable to control his anger any longer, Crowley threw the champagne bottle against the wall with all his might. The glass burst with a bang, pieces flying in all directions and foam sliding down the wall to the floor.
- PLEASE, ENOUGH!
They both turned and saw poor Muriel sobbing. She was carrying, on a cardboard tray, two cups of coffee, and also a paper bag with a few of the delicious cinnamon rolls Nina had started serving in her cafeteria. None of them had noticed her arrival nor did they know how much she had heard of their fight.
- What are you doing here?! - It was Aziraphale who yelled at her, to Corwley's stupor - I told you note to come back! GET OUT!
Muriel screamed in terror. She dropped the coffee and the bag with the rolls on the floor and ran away in tears.
Crowley could not believe what had just happened. He watched as the spilled coffee formed a growing puddle on the floor. He also heard the angel exhale a deep sigh of despondency. He had never ever heard Aziraphale speaking to anyone like that.
He turned and saw his friend, or whoever that unknown individual in front of him was, dropped into one of the armchairs. Aziraphale covered his face with his hands, muttering something to himself. He was the very image of defeat.
- Look what they've done to you - He reproached him - You lose your nerve, you yell, you are cruel to someone you know is weaker than you.
- Crowley, please… Stop it.
His voice was filled with so much grief that Crowley was unable to continue. Aziraphale looked horribly overwhelmed, absolutely desperate. He trembled and continued covering his face visibly embarrassed.
The demon felt anger making its way out inside of him again, but this time it was not directed at Aziraphale. Something had been broken inside the angel during his stay in Heaven, while he was dealing with those gangsters up there, and he was not going to let it go.
- Tell me what they've done to you.
Surprised, Aziraphale dared to remove his hands and look at Crowley, but only for a second. He immediately looked away from him, embarrassed as he was for… for everything.
- It doesn't… It doesn't matter anymore - He stammered - Nothing matters anymore…
- LOOK AT ME! - Crowley's yell startled him violently - Tell me… what they… have done to you - Repeated the demon, with clenched teeth.
Aziraphale hesitated for a few more seconds but, completely downcast as he was, he decided that yes, he would tell him. After all, there was no possible solution anymore. Crowley was the only thing he had left and he deserved to know the truth.
He told him everything. He told him how all his attempts to improve things in Heaven had ended up crashing against the vanity and selfishness of the rest of the archangels, how Michael had conspired day after day against him in a Machiavellian way, the humiliations and the cruelty he'd had to endure and how much all that had made him suffer. He told him about the Metatron's conceited indifference, about his loneliness and frustration.
He also told him about the trial. He could not remember very well what happened because everything related to the existence of the accused angel had been erased from the Book of Life and from everyone's memory, but he did remember perfectly how merciless his supposed companions had been, Michael's malice and how they had forced him to carry out that horrible sentence.
Crowley didn't even move the entire time Aziraphale was talking. He was feeling rage and the desire to do harm growing within him as the angel advanced in his story. He felt his pulse and his breathing quicken.
He felt his hair bristle when he heard the trial part. For someone who loved life as much as Aziraphale did, carrying out an execution had to have been the most traumatic thing he had ever experienced in his entire existence. Anger consumed him as he tried to imagine the horror that must have been for him.
Aziraphale was good, he had love for everyone, he carried light with him wherever he went and he made everyone who came close to him to become a little better. And what had they done with him? They had crushed him, hurt him and destroyed him inside until he couldn't take it anymore.
Crowley wanted to burn everything down. He also wanted to lock Aziraphale in a glass chest and cover him with his black wings to prevent anything or anyone from touching him again. He would shroud him with the pages of his beloved books and would read for him all those stories that fascinated him, he would provide him with all the delicacies the palate can enjoy, he would surround him with music and all the beautiful things that made him happy. He would never get tired of taking care of him, for all eternity if necessary, until he regained the light that only he was capable of emanating.
Aziraphale, once he finished his story, had abandoned himself to the evidence of his failure and the inevitability of his destiny. He continued on the armchair with a lost look. There was nothing left for him but to wait.
Suddenly, Crowley threw himself on his knees at his feet and held his face tightly in his hands, placing it in front of his.
- Listen to me! - He said, forcing the angel to look at him - I will never let anyone hurt you again. Nobody! Never! Do you understand?
Aziraphale opened and closed his mouth several times to say something but, finally, all he was able to do was to throw himself into the demon's arms, hug him closely and hide his face against his neck. He felt Crowley hug him too, tightly, very tightly. If the situation had not been so desperate, that would have made him feel much better.
- Oh, Crowley… I am the most useless being in Creation. I have done everything wrong, everything wrong…
- You could never do wrong even if you tried - Aziraphale was shaking uncontrollably in his arms. In an attempt to make him calm down, he gently stroked his hair.
- Crowley, Crowley… Why didn't I stay with you when I could?
- Because… You have a big heart, angel. And you wanted to do good things.
- But it has been of no use. There's no solution anymore. Everything is over…
- No! - He exclaimed, grabbing Aziraphale by his chin and forcing him to look at him again - I won't allow it. Do you hear me?
- I have deserted Heaven, Crowley. They won't forgive me. This time…
- I won't let them touch you!
Aziraphale sighed. He looked at him with sad tenderness and caressed his cheek.
- It's the Celestial Court, Crowley. There's nothing you can do.
- We will leave. You and I. We'll leave here and..
- There is nowhere I can run to. Wherever I go, they will find me. And if you are with me at that moment…
- I DON'T CARE! - He yelled - I don't care, you understand? Only you and I matter, nothing more.
Gently, the weight Aziraphale carried within him lightened, even if it was just a little. He stopped shaking and focused his attention on the demon's yellow eyes. There were two layers in his gaze: One that shot rays of anger and was loaded with unbeatable courage; the other one, full of tenderness and anguish.
What Crowley was saying didn't make any sense. Neither he nor anyone could avoid what awaited him, but he meant it, that was his reality. He was being so sincere, so transparent, that what may happen next was no longer of any importance to the angel.
He smiled. Could he desire anything more? Let them come for him if they wanted! He wasn't even afraid anymore. Nothing and no one could take that moment away from him.
His memory took him back to the day they separated. "You, idiot. We could have been… us."
He remembered how then, Crowley advanced towards him, grabbed him by his lapels and gave him that desperate, clumsy kiss, in a last attempt to keep him by his side. He remembered his own surprise, his bewilderment. Everything had been too fast, too many things were happening at the same time. Crowley's sincerity and dedication deserved much better.
This time it was Aziraphale who held the demon's face in his hands, and saw how his eyebrows rose in surprise. With all the serenity in the world, he placed his lips on Crowley's. There was no longer any room for urgency or haste, he planned to enjoy it as intensely as possible. Aziraphale's kiss was as soft and warm as himself.
In their exchange of roles, it was now Crowley who didn't know what to do. Throughout his absence, the demon had been wondering if Aziraphale, even for just one second, had felt the same as him. All the logical answers told him no, but he had refused to believe it, and had clung to that paltry hope as the only thing keeping him afloat after his abandonment. Now, what he had wanted so much was happening, and he could hardly believe it.
But Crowley's indecision did not last long. He had been waiting for it for too long to stand by and do nothing. He hugged Aziraphale again and pulled him close. The angel responded by wrapping his arms around his neck. The kiss became more intense and sweeter, as the angel ruffled Crowley's hair with his hands.
Finally, Aziraphale pulled away and stared at his friend's longing face. He smiled as tenderly as in his best days. He rearranged a little Crowley's hairstyle that he himself had messed up.
- You were right - He said - Nothing matters, except you and I.
SLAM!
The doors of the bookstore opened with a terrible bang. They both stood up in a jump.
As if they were the gangsters from Reservoir Dogs, the Archangels entered the store, led by the Metatron, who this time appeared equipped with his whole body and a proportionate head.
Rise your hand if you would cry too if you saw Crowley and Azirafel fighting. ó.ò
What do you thing that will happen to our angels now they have been found? The answer, in next chapter.