Chapter Seven

Twenty-five years of marriage told Maria to leave Georg alone to have his emotions. Maria knew she had hurt him deeply with the news she had considered ending their marriage at one point in time.

It was a dark time in their life, just after she gave birth to Johnny. Georg was traveling a lot in his career at the time leaving Maria alone with five young children and three teens. Liesl and Friedrich had already left for schools outside Vermont. Maria missed them. When Georg was home, they were often entertaining colleagues long into the night. Georg had little time for Maria..she was so alone.

The couple grew apart, slowly but surely life got between them. Maria was tired and often angry with Georg. When Georg was at home, Maria didn't welcome intimacy, but when Georg was gone, she ached for him. She so wanted for him to see her pain; for him to see where she was and rescue her as he had so many times in Austria even before they declared their mutual love. Georg, her Captain, could read her like a book. That man was her husband, that was the man she married, the man she missed. He wasn't there anymore, he had turned into someone else, something else. He was cool, he was distant…but only with her, so it seemed.

Maria listened at the door to try and determine what Georg was doing in the office. She wanted to push the door open and run to him, take him in her arms, but she knew right now that wasn't welcome. He had to lick his wounds.

For his part, Georg was wracking his brain trying to decide when this had taken place. When was he such a poor husband that Maria had wanted to leave him? When and how had he failed so badly?

Georg's heart ached. It was clear that Maria had never intended for him to know this. She had kept this a secret for years, and if the situation with Brigitta didn't come up the way it did, she might have taken it to the grave.

Georg pressed his hand against his chest. It hurt, it physically hurt to feel this. He couldn't put a name to the feeling. It was not something he ever felt before this. It was painful, but deeper, more profound. It was anger, but hotter, more pronounced. He couldn't breathe, though he heard his breath catching and hitching. He didn't even know he was crying.

Perhaps it was when they first arrived in America. It was a very hard time for all of them. Maria kept their world turning, but perhaps hers had gone off its axis? Maybe it was when they were building their house, and they were both so tired. Or when she miscarried a baby between Ella and Johnny? There were so many times, Georg realized, when he could have done a better job being a husband. Still, to seek advice on divorce, and not to come to him, talk to him…He poured himself a drink and down the hot whiskey, it burned his throat, but it didn't dull the ache.

Neither Georg nor Maria slept that night. He stayed in the study, deep in thought, she was in their bed, alone. Maria resolved that, if by morning, Georg hadn't sought her out, she would go to him. She had to tell him how sorry she was for how he found out about this and for not telling him of her feelings sooner. Still, they had prevailed, they survived that and they would survive this. After that, their marriage grew and their love blossomed. Maria wanted that for Brigitta too. She wanted this life for all her girls.

Maria got out of bed and went to splash cold water on her face. She heard Georg in the kitchen, probably making coffee. She doubted he slept much. They had to talk, clear the air.

Maria was still in her robe as she padded out to the kitchen. Georg had the coffee percolating like always, but he didn't acknowledge her.

Maria was about to speak when Georg turned. He looked exhausted, his eyes red and puffy as he fixed his ice blue gaze on Maria. "Please Maria," he began with a husky, almost hoarse voice. "Tell me you just said that to Brigitta to make sure she thought this divorce idea through, that it was just a tool on your belt to try to fix it."

Maria couldn't look at Georg. She knew how badly he was hurting from this revelation. "I can't," she replied. "I wish I could, but I can't. I had a terrible, terrible time, Georg, and I…was confused and…I was lonely. I am so sorry, Georg that you had to find out like this."

Georg started to pour coffee and on reflex poured one for Maria as he always did. "That I had to find out like this or that I had to find out at all?"

"That's fair," Maria replied. "I never wanted you to find out. It was a horrible time, a horrible time and a very black place that I was in when I started to make that choice. Georg, I love you so much and I am so sorry I've hurt you."

Maria moved to take Georg in her arms but he stepped back. It wasn't the fact Maria had contemplated ending the marriage, it was more that she hadn't ever told him what was going on, that she thought that he wouldn't understand.

It would have been easier on Maria if Georg had slapped her. He had never recoiled from her touch in 25 years of marriage. "When?" he asked with his hands up and opened as a barrier between them. "When was it? What did I do? I was up all night and I couldn't decide on a time when things were that bad, when I was that monstrous a husband to you that you…you of all people would consider divorcing me."

Maria shut her eyes, it was too painful to look at the wounded visage of her husband. She did owe him an explanation. "It was after Johnny was born. I had never felt so overwhelmed, so exhausted in my life. You were working so much, on the road doing lectures and…I felt…very confused and very much alone."

Georg sighed, that time had not been on his personal inventory of husbandry failures, not at all. "I don't recall that…I don't recall sensing you might have been unhappy then. We had just had our son, we had our home, things were going so well for us then."

"I'm sure it seemed that way, Dear," Maria replied. "But the truth is that was one of the most difficult times I've ever been through. I needed…it was very confusing for me, how I felt. I should have been happy, you're right, only I wasn't. I was angry and scared and lonely…and I needed you to be there for me, Georg. I needed the man I fell in love with and he was not there."

"I don't understand, Maria," Georg replied. He was already getting very frustrated with the conversation. "I was there, I was always there."

Maria sipped her coffee to ease the lump in her throat. "Except when you were on the road with a lecture, often with other women, other more worldly women and…"

"Maria!" Georg snapped. "I never betrayed my vows to you! Never and I really resent you implying I did!"

"I never said you did," Maria sighed. "I know you never would betray me like that, betray us. I never thought for a second that you had done such a thing. It was me, it was going on inside of me and you didn't see it."

Georg sat down at the island in the kitchen. "How could I?"

"Granted," Maria replied. "You were gone more than you were at home, and when you were at home, you didn't want to spend time with me changing diapers and dressing dolls, you were in your glory reliving your past successes and I was the one at home alone, counting the hours only to have…it all sounds so silly to me now."

Georg was trying to hear Maria, to figure out how he had failed her and if not that, why she felt that way about it. It was obvious even she couldn't articulate her own feelings, how could he have hoped to decipher that.

Maria tried again to initiate affection, this time simply holding Georg's hand. He allowed it and started to rub her hand with his thumb almost on reflex.

"The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you, Darling," Maria sighed. "I know that I have, but I ask you to please try to understand. My own feelings didn't make sense to me, I wanted to run away and just hide somewhere, I wanted to…nothing made any sense and all I wanted was…"

Maria began to choke up. It broke Georg's heart to see her in pain, that's why he had a hard time remembering what she was referring to. If she had been that lost, surely he would have known.

"What?" Georg asked. "What did you need from me that I didn't give you? You didn't tell me then, tell me now."

Maria shook her head, "I can't explain it even yet. I can't, please don't ask me."

Georg withdrew his hand. "Maria, I want to understand, I truly do. I want to understand what I did, what I said…because hearing you say…" Georg had to stop and gather himself. "Hearing you say that you wanted to leave me, to end us, it hurts. It hurts a lot and I think now that it's in the open I have a right to know my own shortcomings in your eyes."

"Georg," Maria was matching his agitation. "I'm trying to tell you that I don't understand myself. I truly don't know why I got to the place I did. I had just had a baby, the children were all in various stages of insanity…I…"

Georg stood up. "I think I'm going to take a shower and go into town. I need some time and space to think and I think you do too. Perhaps, Brigitta needs some help today with the children."

Maria nodded. Georg had erected his wall. He did it as an act of self protection, she had seen him and felt him do it many times and she knew it was best for now to let him have the space he craved.

Maria slid off the stool she had been occupying and wiped a few tears off her cheeks. "I'll get your breakfast before you go then. You need to eat something."

Georg grunted a reply and headed for the bathroom. He was more confused and angrier now than he had been when Maria first made her revelation. He had to put some distance between them, he had to think with a clear head. He didn't know exactly how he was going to do that, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to do it near Maria.

A/N: Suppose not many of you were expecting Maria's bomb to be a near divorce. What was happening was in her mind, but still very real and deep to her. How will they heal this would or will they be the case after Brigitta's in court?