Title: Losing the Plot

Summary: IDK man.

I was dressed in my best clothes, which didn't amount to much since most of my treasure had gone to rebuilding the barony's infrastructure. I was not dressed for the occasion if the helps' snobbish looks were of any indication.

"The Queen will see you now," one employee said as she gestured towards a door.

Taking a deep breath, I walked through the door. There was a single desk with multiple piles of papers. Behind the desk, a beautiful woman sat.

"I am here as you requested, Your Majesty."

"Sir Leon, have a seat."

I nervously sat in the chair.

The Queen took a sip from her cup and said, "As you know, the heirs of the founding families will be attending the Academy this year."

"I am aware. Are you telling me to befriend them?"

Please say no. I wanted nothing to do with those pretty boys. I heard them whine and bitch through too many playthroughs to want to go through that again.

I also didn't want to trigger the apocalypse.

"It would help, but no. I wish to hire you. You see, it has come to my attention that the boys are... a tad naive. We recently noticed that they are prone to being... swindled."

"How did you figure that out?"

"The boys often 'sneak' out into the capital and usually pay excessive amounts for goods or give away all their money when 'beggars' ask for some change. There are other things as well. We're afraid someone will take advantage of them during the Academy. We wish to hire someone more adept to teach them and to filter out those who may try to take advantage of them."

That could prove problematic. The protagonist needed to meet the prince and his friends. If they were taught too effectively, they would ignore her. Having a minder shadow them constantly would also prevent any development. I should take the job so that someone competent doesn't.

But that just sounded like an extended escort mission.

"Might I inquire about the compensation for such a task?"

She pulled out a suitcase. Opening it, I saw it filled with neat stacks of platinum coins.

"This is just the signing bonus. You'll be paid 100 platinum coins a month, and you can file any expenditures you make for compensation."

I felt my mouth go dry. The amount of money she was offering was absurd. I stared at the suitcase of platinum coins, and I debated whether or not babysitting the heirs was worth it.

"Double the bonus and allowance, and I'll do it."

"Then we have an accord. I have the documents right here."

I knew I messed up with how she didn't even bargain. This was going to be a terrible job. No amount of Dia was worth what was coming.

"How did you get out of the castle before me?"

The boy had just tried to sneak out again. The stupid child thought he could escape me when he only ever had one route. Luxion didn't even have to find it. The guards told me they always had an eye on it to monitor the prince's escapes.

"I walked through the front door, Julius," I said as I grabbed him by the back of his cloak and dragged him back in.

"But how did you know where I would come out?"

"Because everyone except your fiancée knows about it. They just let you go out because it's easier to keep an eye on you if you aren't fussy about your guards."

"Dammit, Bartfort, you weren't supposed to tell him about us!"

I just flipped the 'merchant' the bird.

"When a beggar asks you for money, what do you do?"

"Give him my money. It's only right to give back to the people down on their luck."

"How much?"

"My money?"

"Okay, you've given all your money. What do you do when the next beggar comes asking for money?"

"So you're saying I should give half of my money to the first and then the rest to the second? That's rather smart. I always have trouble whenever the next beggar shows up."

Instead of responding, I went to the next room and started screaming expletives. The princess blushed over some of the things I had to say.

"So I should only give a coin to each beggar since I never know how many beggars may approach me."

"What kind of coin?"

"Gold?"

"You've never seen a copper, have you?"

"They come in copper?"

"How do you get him to listen to you?" the villainess asked one day.

"Pardon?"

"His Highness listens to you even though you lecture him. How do you get him to do that? He always pushes me away."

"Pay me."

When the villainess dropped three suitcases of platinum coins on my lap the next day, I told her to return the next day. I needed to get drunk first.

"Are you drunk?"

"First lesson on how to keep a handle on your spouse. Slap him. Show him whose boss," I slurred.

"I'm trying to keep him interested, not push him away, you lush," she said with a slap.

I felt nothing on account of the alcohol numbing my face.

"Not with a limp hand like that. It's all in the wrist."

Slap

"Better."

I learned that Julius was a masochist. I should have figured since the first flag was supposed to trigger when Olivia slaps him. I had thought his interest was due to meeting someone who didn't know who he was. I guess Julius was off the list of potential interests.

I stared at Jilk. He was filling out an expenditure form for masks and cloaks.

I could only slap him on the back of the head.

"I took my eyes off you for two minutes to take a shit! What's all this?!"

Jilk was lugging around a cart full of clay monstrosities. I was dreading how much he could have spent on them.

"Leon, I found these beautiful potteries on sale for ten gold coins."

I foamed at the mouth.

"Good news, these pots are actually quite valuable. You could get fifteen gold coins if you were to sell them to the pottery society."

"See, Leon. I have an eye for these things. I am not so easily fooled."

I didn't trust my luck. "How much did you spend on the cart?"

"Ten gold coins as usual."

I nearly choked when I heard that.

"As usual?"

"That's the going rate, is it not?"

"And how often do you buy these carts?" I hesitantly asked.

"Every time I go into the capital. I never expect to purchase anything, but I always end up needing to."

I decided to get drunk again.

"Are you Sir Leon?" a very pretty redhead asked me.

She looked familiar, but I was too drunk to remember where I had seen her. All I could hope was that I was going to get lucky.

"Depends..." I barely got out before several suitcases were slammed on my table.

"Another," I hollered at the bartender.

The girl stacked another suitcase on top of the others. I wept at the sight.

"Lesson two on how to keep a handle on your spouse. Don't be afraid to let them know you are frustrated. Girls expect too much from us. We can't read your minds. Got to tell us what is wrong."

"But I complain about you being drunk, and you insist on drinking," my first student whined.

"Am I your fiancé?"

"No!"

"Then I don't give a crap. See? Communication."

"But you don't care about how I feel."

"Exactly. I now know you don't like my drinking habits, and you now know I couldn't care less and why. We're are very clear on each other's feelings. Communication."

"What if he tries to run away? My fiancé isn't much for talking about his feelings," my second student asked.

I tossed her a bottle of rum.

"Liquid truth, courage, and sleep. Truly the solution to all of life's problems."

Angelica pointedly stared at Clarice.

Jilk was now pining for Clarice. Too bad he only ever pined whenever he was drunk. We had to lock up the liquor for his liver's sake. Not that it helped much since Clarice was an enabler.

Though not enough of an enabler to sneak me some. Sobriety was a bitch for me.

The secondary villainess approached me with no suitcase of money.

I took that personally.

"Your Majesty, the Offrey's hire pirates to kidnap heiresses to sell to Fanoss. Do with that information as you will. I've got to go make sure Jilk doesn't lose his virginity while drunk gambling," I said blatantly in the throne room during some official meeting.

The officials stared in silence as I left the room.

"Why does Dad get to go fight while I'm stuck here?" Julius whined as he wanted to go pirate hunting after seeing the Masked Knight charge Offrey County alone.

"Are you going to hunt pirates, or will you pick a fight with the Offreys?"

"..."

"Lesson three on how to keep a handle on your spouse. Here's a spray bottle."

"What's this for?"

Julius interrupted the lesson as he stormed the room.

"Have you talked to Mother yet about..." Julius said before I sprayed him. Rather than righteous indignation, he just sighed and walked out.

"I've been doing that for days. He now knows not to push me when I spray."

Angelica sprayed me.

"I'm getting some mixed signals here, Angelica. Are you or are you not interested in me as a spouse?"

I was sprayed again.

Out of spite, I began to undress out of my clothes.

Angelica's spraying picked up in pace.

"Help, Leon," a purple-haired man said.

Ever since the Offreys were eliminated, Brad had been staying in the capital. He claimed he could not deprive the women of the world of his presence now that he was single. Unfortunately, he was rather loud when he had said that in the capital.

Dumbass.

Women swarmed Brad to the point that there was no path to him. He looked distressed enough. Women were unlikely to trick him. That was one thing off my checklist. For once, I felt like I did my job properly.

I walked away whistling a jaunty tune.

Brad developed gynophobia. How rabid were those noble girls.

And now that was three heirs unavailable for Olivia to romance. If I lost anymore, I may need to sic Luxion on the Principality.

Out of pity for the boy. I gave him a spray bottle.

It didn't work. It just made the girls wetter.

"Lesson four on how to keep a handle on your spouse. Hug him. Wait... who are you?"

She just tossed me a suitcase.

"Fair enough. Now then, a man is always starved for support and affection. Too often we are told to man up, to quit our bitching, to walk it off, why aren't you successful, make more money you lazy sack of shit, where's my allowance, how can you not know this you dumbass, you're so useless... what's with that look?"

"Do you need a hug?" Angelica said with a pitying look.

"Lesson five... pity hurts so much."

"Angelica, please stop introducing your female followers to me. They are exactly the type of people that say that shit to me."

"Angelica, who is this?"

"This is Yumeria."

"Oh you poor dear," my new elf servant said as she squeezed me.

"Chris, don't be a fucking idiot. You don't solve your daddy issues by challenging them to death matches. That usually makes it worse!"

"But my fiancée..."

"I only told her to give you a hug! How did that translate to kill your father?!"

"She was incredibly angry when I told her what he told me."

"And what exactly did your father say to you that was so horrible?!"

After he recited what he had been told all his life, I had Luxion craft an exceptionally sharp blade.

Well, Chris was the new head of his family and was going to get married before going to the Academy. He and his fiancée were expected to make babies immediately.

His fiancée really enjoyed the situation for all of two weeks before she realized she fulfilled her duties, and once she had, Chris spent all his time training again.

She took it personally.

"Greg, why are you avoiding me?"

"I've seen the results of talking to you."

Brad was scared of women, Jilk was a lush, and Chris murdered his father and may or may not have a wife threatening to break his arms for not having enough sex.

"... That's fair."

"I'm surprised Julius's mom hasn't fired you yet."

"I mean Julius and Angie's relationship is at an all time high, and Julius has a better appreciation of the value of money. Even though she hired me to watch all of you, I think she really only cares about Julius."

"Angie?"

"It's what her friends call her. Hard not to be her friend after she introduced me to Yumeria."

"What's the deal with that?"

"Yumeria's very huggable."

"What?"

"Like she gives the nicest hugs. It's very motherly and really relaxing."

"Do you not care about what rumors that would start? Men aren't supposed to have servants."

"And why not?" I said defensively. I refused to let anyone take Mama Yumeria from me.

"Because... huh."

"Goddamnit, Greg! I didn't mean for you to start a menagerie!"

"I was curious!"

"That one's a hyena beast woman!"

"That's racist!"

"She has a dick, Greg!"

"But she's a woman!"

"She's a hyena! Both sexes have dicks!"

The hyena lady developed a large toothy grin.

"I bet mine is larger."

Greg sold back all of the servants except one. Only she was manly enough for his tastes.

Wording aside, Ena had a delightful personality.

And with her, now none of the heirs were available. Luxion would be pleased. I would have to let him loose on the Principality.

Meh. Not my problem anymore. I wasn't going to fight immortal monster gods without the aid of the protagonist.

I stared at the midget as I escorted the prince after the ceremony. She was not the protagonist. Not that I cared much. I had already ruined Olivia's chances of hooking up with the heirs.

This was going to be amusing though.

Despite my obvious presence, she committed to the event. She must have been a reincarnate. So desperate for that sweet life that she ignored my presence.

Julius's fear of infidelity was not ignored, nor was his excitement for his punishment.

When she looked at me with a glare, I had an idea.

"If you want to be in a harem, try Greg."

The villainess was sitting in front of me with an unhappy expression. For once it was not because of something I did or because she needed another lesson on how to handle Julius.

After hearing what she had to say, I pulled out my hidden bottle and poured one out. I then set aside the cup for her before taking a long pull. Despite Angie's noted hatred of my alcoholism, she allowed me. She knew I needed it to continue the conversation.

"What do you mean you're bored of him, Angie?!"

"Tired, not bored," Angie said with a sigh as she took a small sip.

"My apologies... Not! Why are you dissatisfied? You finally have the prince's affection!"

"... I just can't keep up with his interests. It's too tiresome to entertain his desire for discipline. Just the other day, he begged to be disciplined after a strange girl slapped him the other day. He found it sexual. I just couldn't take it anymore," she said tiredly.

"... Fair."

I don't think I could deal with a masochist. I especially don't think I could deal with it if my significant other derived pleasure from some idiot hurting them.

"How about you? How's your love life now that you're in the Academy? Found anyone interesting?"

That was odd. Angie never asked me for details about my life.

"You're interested?"

"Why wouldn't I be? We are... friends."

Fair enough I suppose. I was insulted that I was on the same level as her followers, but I appreciated the sentiment.

Without much thought, I began to lay out my laments. This in turn lead to Angie making disparaging remarks, which caused us to laugh and gossip at the expense of the girls of the Academy. This in turn got us talking about school and things we would rather be doing.

"Oh, congratulations, Master!" Yumeria said cheerfully in the morning.

"Congratulations?" I asked groggily.

Hangovers were a bitch. Trying to get out of bed, I realized a warm body was holding me down. Looking down, I realized Julius was going to kill me... unless he was into netorare as well. Maybe this was all a misunderstanding and nothing happened last night.

"I think I need a remedial session for lesson six for controlling your spouse," Angie said with a groan before pulling me down.

What do you know. This turned into another lesson, and I wasn't getting mixed messages from before.

AN:

1) It's been a while. Feeling a bit rusty. Honestly could have written something better, but this is my dumping ground for brain worms anyways.

2) Marie would become the spit roast of a woman and a man.

3) Olivia would go unmolested since no villainess was left to take issue with her.

4) This is basically a what if around the idea of taking the five's quirks and either dialing it up or going in the reverse direction.

5) Notice how Angelica utilized all the lessons on Leon. She was already marking her territory before either knew it.