"Relationships were like piling up rocks, one after another. There was an element of chance…something that made each one unique. If the stack crumbled, then purposefully piling it back up by hand in the exact same way was close to impossible. People can't just start something over."

-Hitoma Iruma

oOo

July 7th

The Tokyo Neurological Center was the leading clinic for brain-related conditions in the country. Unfortunately, this meant that the waitlist for all non-emergency neurological conditions was quite long. My parents had reached out to the Center as soon as I had been diagnosed with my condition. But since anterograde amnesia wasn't classified as a time-sensitive condition, I had to wait months to see a neurosurgeon.

They finally reached out today, right as break was ending, to let me know that they could fit me in for an hour-long appointment on the seventh. My parents were ecstatic; even though there was no guarantee that my condition would improve with a visit to the clinic, I think that they treated this as good news. The only good news recently.

I think that these past few months have taken a severe mental toll on my parents. Despite the fact that Mom has been working less hours in order to spend more time around me and make sure that all of my needs were taken care of, she looked more exhausted than she ever had been before.

And with Mom no longer receiving overtime pay like she used to, that meant that Dad was the one that took up a lot of that financial pressure. I barely see him these days; he's always working on projects and going on long business trips.

Sometimes it feels terrible to be such a burden on them.

I tried not to get my hopes up too high for this clinic visit. After all, I knew that there was no miracle cure for my condition. But a small part of me couldn't help it. I wanted to hope; I wanted to believe that I would one day get better.

It's really been wearing on me these days. The journals, the inability to remember the simplest things from the day before, the inability to build any sort of relationship with others.

oOo

I'd come to Tokyo alone. It had been difficult convincing my parents to let me go, but Mom couldn't afford to take any more time off from her work without risking her job security. Dad was still buried under his projects. And so if I were to make it to the appointment at all, it would have to be by myself. I told my parents that I'd be fine. It wasn't as though I'd lose my memory in the middle of the day, it'd only occur at night. I promised them that I'd be careful, and that I wouldn't stay out too late. They finally relented when I mentioned that perhaps there was a chance that the clinic had some treatment methods for my condition.

Unfortunately, the trip to the clinic wound up being mostly a waste of time. There was, in actuality, very little new information that the doctors could provide me with which the Chiba doctors couldn't. With that being said, the doctors did mention a couple of useful learning techniques though, which I thought might be relevant to my desire for continued improvement at guitar. Specifically, errorless learning.

See, one of the issues with guitar that I had always struggled with was making consistent progress. I did my best to learn from my mistakes, but it was nearly impossible because I couldn't remember what I did wrong. I tried to record issues that I noticed into my notebook, but without the clear memory of whatever difficulty I'd encountered on previous days of practice, it was impossible to fix properly.

Thus, errorless learning. The process of learning through hints and prompts. Instead of writing down what I did wrong, the doctor advised that I should write down what worked. From little tips and tricks for technique to overall practice methods that I had found success with. This meant that, in theory, every day, I would be learning not from mistakes, since I couldn't remember them anyways. Instead, I'd be strengthening my connection of one skill to another, which played a large role in skill retention. Essentially, I would be attempting to manually connect each step of the learning process to each other; a skill that ordinarily would come naturally through long-term memory.

I suppose the trip to Tokyo wasn't a complete waste of time. I'd gained a couple of useful insights on how to combat my amnesia. The doctors had also mentioned that they wanted to monitor my condition as it was quite rare. So it seemed as though I wouldn't have quite as much difficulty scheduling appointments with the neurological center in the future.

Still, by far the best part about Tokyo was that I had managed to convince my parents to let me turn the trip into a mini-vacation of sorts. The Tanabata festival would be occurring on the same day as my appointment, and although the Tokyo version of the festival was not the most famous (that honor would belong to Sendai), it was still quite an important festival for the city.

My appointment ran fairly late into the afternoon. I didn't get back to the hotel until sunset and hurriedly put on the yukata that I had prepared for the festival. I double checked in the mirror to make sure that I didn't look too strange; this was, after all, the first time that I had donned a yukata without any input from my family.

After confirming that I was indeed presentable, I headed out into the bustling streets of the city. My hotel was situated very close by to the festival, and I could hear the noise in the distance quite clearly. It wasn't long before I had joined the festival proper.

Since I was late, I made sure to hit up the food stalls first. The last thing I wanted was to get caught up in the tanzaku wishes and return to the stalls only to find that the food was all gone. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast this morning.

The aroma of food wafting from the food stalls was heavenly. Since I was starving, I wasn't particularly picky about what I wanted. I grabbed a few skewers of yakitori and placed an order for some yakisoba from a nearby stall. The yakitori was excellent, the meat tender and flavorful. I'd polished off all but one of the skewers by the time my yakisoba was ready. After the yakisoba, I decided to grab some ikayaki and tomorokoshi. It wound up being quite a lot of food, but I was a growing boy. Plus, I'm sure that there was some pseudoscientific argument I could make about needing the extra nutrients to heal my brain.

After I'd finally eaten my fill at the stalls, I decided to head off to the bamboo grove. After all, if ever there was a time in my life where I needed a wish to come true, it would be now.

The crowds were noticeably thinner by the time I began my trek towards the bamboo grove. I briefly checked my phone for the time; it was nearing nine o'clock. It was getting quite late, and so I decided to pick up my pace. It wouldn't really be ideal to wander around Tokyo alone this late in the day, after all.

Since there were less people now, I didn't have to pay quite as much attention to my surroundings. It was more comfortable, and a cool night breeze had begun to blow which felt quite nice after sweating from the summer heat and the general bustle of the festival earlier. I idly watched a couple of elementary school girls competing to scoop the most goldfish at a kingyo-sukui stall. Their shouts and laughter could be heard even above the general hubbub of conversation that flowed around me.

Normie kids, I thought with disdain. Couldn't they be a little quieter?

A little while later I passed by a couple. They were holding sparklers and waving them in shapes and patterns as they giggled and whispered to each other, lost in their own little world.

Fucking riajuu couples are so cringe.

As I got closer to the bamboo grove, most of the people around me fell away. Most of them had made their wishes already. And the latecomers, the ones that were also headed towards the grove like I was, all seemed to be in a hurry. Quite a few people slipped by me as I made my way at a far more leisurely pace up to the grove.

Along the way, I passed a girl sitting on a bench. She seemed to be having an animated conversation on the phone. I only took notice of her because she was very beautiful. She held the kind of beauty that made people turn and stare. Even some of the other people that I had seen passing by me had paused and turned. I couldn't say that I was an exception. I discreetly checked her out as I walked past. Of course, I didn't do it with any particularly malicious intentions. And like I said, I made sure to keep the blatant staring to a minimum. Plus, with looks like that, it was impossible not to glance her way.

But at any rate, I forgot all about the girl shortly thereafter. The whispering of the wind passing through the bamboo combined with the fluttering of all the tanzaku made for a rather eerie grove. I grabbed one of the paper strips for myself and a pen and moved towards one of the trees that didn't have quite as many wishes hanging from it. I wanted to have the best chance of my wish reaching the Gods, after all.

Of course, I already knew what I wanted to write down. I already knew what my wish was going to be. But even so, I took some time to think about the past few months. Of course, it wasn't as if I could remember much of those days. All I really had was what I could read every morning from my journals. So it was more like the past few weeks that I could retain in my head.

The past few months... they'd been difficult at best. Looking back through what I'd written, it was clear to me that, even though it'd been months since the accident, I was still struggling. It scared me; the idea that I might have to live my whole life without being able to remember things. Without being able to accomplish anything worthwhile, because I couldn't maintain continuity. Even guitar, which I'd picked up recently solely for the purpose of hopefully gaining a hobby that I could carry forward through the days. I wondered if I could ever play anything meaningful. I wondered if I could ever remember playing anything meaningful. After all, I'd already forgotten how I started playing. All I know is that it had to do with Yukinoshita Yukino, who was my classmate.

But without looking her up? Without looking up Yukinoshita Yukino in the People section of my laptop?

I wouldn't even be able to recognize her face. And that bothered me more than I cared to admit.

I really wish that today's me can live longer than a day.

oOo

I didn't linger for very long in the bamboo grove. It was getting dark, and I didn't really want to be alone in the dark, surrounded by the wishes of others. The festival was dying down rapidly; most of the festival-goers had already disappeared by the time I left the grove. The streets were noticeably quieter and I no longer had to pay close attention to my surroundings. The odds of me bumping into somebody was pretty low.

The night air was refreshing; temperatures had cooled after the sweltering heat of the day. A light breeze was blowing, which felt nice against my skin. It was a fairly serene evening; normally a rarity on the bustling streets of Tokyo. But with the area cordoned off for the festival and only a few lingering attendees, it felt far more like the sort of quiet neighborhood scene that could be found in the suburbs rather than in a metropolis like Tokyo.

I don't really remember exactly what I was thinking about as I headed back towards my hotel. I think that I was probably still thinking back to my wish. Or maybe I was still worrying about my future. But either way, all of that sort of fell away into the background, because I noticed that the girl that I had found beautiful earlier was still sitting on that same park bench. Except this time, she wasn't speaking to anyone on the phone.

This time, she was quietly, almost unnoticeably, sobbing her eyes out.

I almost passed right by her once more without saying a word. Although that description made my actions sound far more malicious than they actually were. It wasn't as though I didn't want to help the girl. But my parents had, rather sternly, forced me to promise them that I wouldn't involve myself in any trouble while I was in Tokyo as I left the house early this morning. And speaking with random strangers kind of fell under that category, at least for people with anterograde amnesia like me.

And so, heeding their advice, I made to duck my head and pass by the girl, pretending that I didn't notice her. It would be easy to blend in; at least two people had passed her bench without pausing in the short few minutes that I'd been observing her.

But then… I'm not entirely sure what made me do it. I'm not entirely sure why I paused and looked back at the girl. She cut a lonely figure, alone on the bench with tears tracking down her cheeks.

Before I knew it, my legs had already carried me over to where she had been sitting.

"Uhm… excuse me, Miss? Are you alright? Do you.. require any assistance?"

She turned around to look at me. Beautiful was my first thought as I finally met her eyes. They were as blue as the sky.

I wondered what was troubling her. I wondered why she was crying alone on a roadside bench, looking very much like the heroine of the festival we were celebrating at this very moment. I wondered about what she wanted. My mind raced with a hundred different possibilities. Dumped by a boyfriend? Mental breakdown from stress? Abuse?

I considered all of those responses. I knew, roughly, what I would say if she told me that she was alright, as well as what I would say if she mentioned the opposite.

But what came out of her mouth was entirely unexpected. So utterly unexpected that it froze me, rendering me speechless.

"Hikigaya-kun, is that you?"

I didn't expect that. What were the chances? What were the chances that I'd run into somebody I apparently was supposed to recognize, hours away from home in Tokyo?

I didn't know how to react. But she was looking up at me so expectantly; her blue eyes wide with surprise and… was that happiness that I saw? Or hope?

I didn't know how to respond. And so I simply blurted out the first words that came to mind.

"I-uh sorry? Do I… do I know you?"

Those were apparently the worst words that I could have uttered.

Have you ever seen one of those time-lapse videos? You know, those videos with stretched frame rates that, when replayed at normal speed, makes the contents of the video seem like they are fast forwarding in time?

I watched some of those videos when I was a kid. And I still remembered how strangely, and perhaps morbidly, fascinating it was to watch a rose bloom and wither within the span of thirty seconds.

But as my innocent question; my careless 'do I know you?' left my lips, I was reminded quite forcefully of those videos. Because right in front of my eyes, I saw the girl's face crumble. And right before she turned away from me, I caught a glimpse of tears.

"Of course," I heard her whisper to herself. "I shouldn't have expected anything more."

I stood there frozen and confused. Was I missing something important here? But my indecision cost me, because before I could ask what exactly was wrong with what I'd said or done, the girl had run away. Or rather, she'd done her best to run away.

She'd made it two steps before she let out a yelp of pain and went crashing to the pavement.

"Are you alright?" I went chasing after her, kneeling beside her worriedly as I watched her roll over slowly, one of her hands clutching her ankle. The other, likely bloodied from scraping across the pavement, was still desperately attempting to push herself up off the floor.

"Please Miss- uhm… miss. Please calm down and tell me what's wrong. I… I genuinely don't remember you. I'm sorry."

She stared at me in disbelief, a mixture of grime and tears staining her face. And yet, despite those imperfections, she was still beautiful. Even at what was unmistakably a low point for this girl… she still held her pride.

"Why are you playing the fool, Hikigaya-kun? What is the point of this farce? It is alright if you simply dislike me, or if you simply hold a grudge against me for the things that I said. Regrets and mistakes I can live with. But don't you think that it's quite childish of you to continue to pretend as though you have never met me?"

I stared at her, an uncomfortable feeling spreading through me. Something wasn't right. This wasn't supposed to happen, I was supposed to just go and have some fun at this festival. Make a few memories and note them down. Build up the dopamine in my system so that I could wake up tomorrow a little happier, even if I wouldn't remember why. I wasn't supposed to run into this random girl.

And yet…

And yet this girl… was clearly hurt that I couldn't remember her. She didn't know about my condition, and so she must have been assuming the worst. There was clearly a history here; something that I couldn't recall by normal means. I thought back to my diary entries. I had read through quite a few more this morning as I'd rode the Shinkansen to Tokyo. And I realized that there was only one person that checked all of the boxes. Only one person that I had "met" after the accident, after I started suffering from anterograde amnesia.

I think I know the girl that was lying before me.

"Y-...Yukinoshita…-san?"

She sniffled. "Finally decided to acknowledge my existence?"

"I- it's not what you think." I managed to stammer out.

"And what is it that you believe I am thinking of right now?"

"I…" I took a look around at our surroundings. The entire place was empty now. The bamboo grove where I'd hung up my tanzaku for Tanabata was closed, and so this little offshoot road was going to see no more traffic for the rest of the day.

And yet, I still hesitated. Because I'd been ingrained to deflect. To avoid the topic of my condition. I didn't want anyone to know.

"It's not something that I can easily explain," I finally hedged, clenching a fistful of my yukata in my hands, hoping that she would understand.

"What is there to explain? You despise me, do you not, Hikigaya-kun? Because I failed in teaching you. Because I said all those horrible things about your playing. I…"

She paused, as if to gather herself. And then she bowed her head.

"I'm sorry, Hikigaya-kun."

Was that how she felt about the whole situation? Did she really feel that guilty? I was stunned; I'd always thought that our little lessons ended because she was fed up with my inability to learn. It was understandable to me, who in their right mind would want to teach somebody that couldn't retain any of their lessons? It would just be a waste of their time.

But to think that she'd felt guilty about how things transpired? And to think that she'd held onto that guilt for all these months?

"I-"

I wanted to explain to her. I remembered this in one of my earlier entries. I'd wanted to explain to Yukinoshita my condition even back then, and this conversation with her… it only made that conviction stronger.

I wanted to tell her about my amnesia, consequences be damned.

But the words wouldn't come from my mouth. For some reason, I just couldn't tell her. I opened and closed my mouth, but no sound came out. I'm sure I must have looked absolutely absurd, standing there like an idiot trying to formulate the words.

Since I couldn't explain my condition to her, I instead just asked, "Did you hurt yourself? I have a hotel room nearby, let's get you patched up first."

Without waiting for her response, I gently slipped my arms underneath her legs and beneath her neck, scooping her up into my arms in a traditional bridal carry. Thankfully, she didn't protest.

I think that, if I'd had been in a different headspace, or if I'd had more time to think about what I was doing to a girl that I had ostensibly just met, I probably would have been quite embarrassed about it all. But I wasn't thinking about any of that.

I just wanted to help her.

And so we set off on the long walk back to my hotel.

oOo

I was thankful that there weren't too many stragglers left at the festival. Because honestly, bridal carrying Yukinoshita was perhaps one of the most embarrassing things that I'd ever done in public. And I suppose that, with the dirt and injuries visibly marring her appearance, there could certainly have been quite a few awkward questions if there'd been more people around.

But thankfully, the streets had mostly quieted. The time was nearing midnight, and the festival had long since ended. There were some public transportation crews that were starting to remove the obstacles that had blocked vehicles from entering the festival roads. But outside of a couple of weird looks they paid us no attention, which was exactly what I wanted.

We made it back to my hotel without issue. I didn't even struggle much with carrying Yukinoshita. She was quite light. Honestly, the only thing that bothered me throughout that entire forty minute walk was the silence.

Yukinoshita and I didn't exchange a single word during the entire walk.

I wanted to talk. I wanted to make conversation. The silence was awkward, and it was made all the worse because of the fact that I was holding her in my arms. But I didn't know this girl. I couldn't remember anything about her. The only thing I knew about her was that she had once been my teacher. But things clearly hadn't ended well. And so how was I supposed to start a conversation, especially when she had clearly had a far from ideal festival?

So I walked in silence, hoping that she'd break it and say something. But it didn't seem as though she was interested in making conversation.

It was only when we arrived back at my hotel that Yukinoshita spoke up.

"Could you set me down please, Hikigaya-kun?" She asked quietly.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes. I think it would be for the best if you did not carry me into the hotel. I would not want the hotel staff to ask too many questions."

"Alright then," I said, gently lowering Yukinoshita to the ground, although I made sure to hold out a steadying hand as she regained her footing.

That turned out to be a smart decision as, immediately after putting weight on her injured ankle, she wobbled and nearly fell over once more.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay walking on your own? I can carry you on my back if you think that would work better." I offered, thinking that the way I was carrying Yukinoshita earlier was simply too embarrassing to the girl.

"I'll be alright, although I would greatly appreciate it if you lent me your support as we enter."

I didn't bother arguing with her. It seemed as though her mind was made up. And so I just slipped across to the side of her good ankle and allowed her to lean her weight onto me as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder. It was slow progress, but eventually we made it up to my room. I unlocked the room and, with a bit of effort, managed to help Yukinoshita into a chair, which she slid into with a small, tired sigh. I tossed my bag onto the desk and went to shut the door before flopping unceremoniously onto my bed.

"So…" I said awkwardly, unsure of what to say.

"What are you doing in Tokyo alone, Hikigaya-kun?" Yukinoshita asked without preamble.

"Oh I was-" I paused.

What was I supposed to say? The real reason for coming to Tokyo was obviously to check up on my medical condition. But I wasn't supposed to tell anyone outside of my family and a few other trusted individuals about my condition. And so I needed to come up with an excuse for Yukinoshita. But what else could I say? That I was in Tokyo for Tanabata? That wasn't particularly believable; Tokyo was not renowned whatsoever for its Tanabata festival. There was no way that I would make a two hour trip just to go to this festival when Chiba held a similar one. Nobody would believe that story.

The small, insistent little voice in the back of my head spoke up again.

Why don't you tell her? Why don't you tell her you have amnesia?

It was getting harder and harder to ignore it. But that wasn't because I'd suddenly developed some newfound trust in Yukinoshita. Just because I found her injured on a public bench did not suddenly make her trustworthy. But the combination of her being my former guitar teacher, plus the fact that she'd felt guilty about how those lessons ended really made me think. Would someone who truly wished me harm do that? Would she really have spent all that time teaching me guitar? Would she really have cared so much as to be left feeling guilty for weeks after those lessons ended?

Would someone with nefarious intentions really have cried, thinking that I no longer remembered her?

"I was here for a medical checkup." The words came out of nowhere, so unexpectedly that I jumped, almost not recognizing my own voice.

"...A medical checkup?" Yukinoshita looked up, curiosity, apprehension, and a startling amount of fear shining in her eyes. "Is everything… is everything alright?"

I looked down and shrugged. "I suppose that things are about as well as I could hope for them to be."

"W-what do you mean by that? You're not… you don't have any serious condition, right? There's nothing physically debilitating you… right? You're not… you're not suffering from some life-threatening ailment, are you?" Her voice sounded worried, almost panicked.

To me, that justified my decision. I could feel, just by the way she looked and sounded, that Yukinoshita cared. She cared for my well-being, and even though I was still in the dark as to why she felt that way, I was confident that she didn't want to hurt me.

Emboldened by this, I decided to tell her the full story.

"I've got amnesia," I said quietly.

oOo