Kakashi's POV

The war finally came to an end when the great nations finally agreed to sign a peace treaty among each other.

Minato-sensei played a big role in ending the conflict when he single-handedly defeated thousands of Iwagakure shinobi with his Flying Thunder God Technique. He even faced two of the most powerful shinobi from Kumogakure in a stalemate; the sandaime raikage's son called Ay, and their village jinchuriki known as Killer Bee.

A new age had finally arrived in Konohagakure as my sensei was chosen as the Leaf village's new leader after his significant contribution to ending the war. The village celebrated the new hokage and his accomplishments with enthusiasm.

But even though I am proud of my sensei's recent achievement, I still felt unhappy.

The loss of my teammates had a very negative effect on me because I blamed myself for a lot of things that happened with my team during the war. This resulted in me having a very unhealthy emotional state. I guess it can't be avoided since this is just an effect of the war that I've participated in. Nobody ever survives a war unscathed, it's either one will obtain injuries that would mark the body physically, or the emotional scarring that would take longer time to heal.

Minato-sensei recruited me for ANBU after his appointment, and I agreed to join without second thoughts. I knew of his intention to keep me busy and avoid further depressing myself with the death of Obito and Rin, but being part of ANBU Black Ops meant I would be in the shadow division, doing the darker and more dangerous mission assignments for the village. I was given the hound mask as my ANBU identity and a red spiral mark was tattooed on my left shoulder. As soon as I was formally part of the group, I had always donned the black and gray uniform and was rarely seen as a regular jonin of Konoha.

My missions as an ANBU were mostly assassinations, and I've been known as someone who does the job ruthlessly. Although my peers in the shadow division respected me and regarded my skills highly, I became known among them as "Cold-blooded Kakashi". I've earned the nickname by being precise and adept in executing the targets since I never hesitate and my kills are always spot on. Most of the time, I use my infamous jutsu that has proven to be very lethal- the Chidori. It was a brutal technique, but very effective.

After a year of working for the Black Ops, the hokage had pulled me out of my special assassination missions. Sensei probably heard about my new moniker and tried not to involve me in the gruesome missions too much by temporarily reassigning me to guard his pregnant wife. I accepted without question since he is the hokage, and I'd like to genuinely protect his family in any way I can.

A bone-chilling experience happened to the village one October night.

I was off-duty from my mission assignment to guard Kushina-san since it was already time for her to give birth and sensei had assigned a different ANBU team for her delivery.

The air had been cold and clouds covered the sky, making the night darker than it should have. There was a slight change in the atmosphere before the commotion happened, the ambiance in the village suddenly became off, like something sinister was about to be unleashed. Suddenly, a loud roar was heard all throughout Konoha and my skin crawled as I felt the bloodlust in the air. It was hard to fight the fear that crept onto me while I forced myself to move from my spot as the Kyuubi rampaged in the village.

I was about to go find my sensei when all the younger shinobi like myself were ordered to stay behind. The elder shinobis told us that this was not war, and the village would not risk its future by sending out the younger nins to fight the Kyuubi no matter what rank we hold. There was nothing we could do but to follow the orders and help the civilians to safely evacuate to the designated areas.

I felt helpless at that moment and very dreadful for my sensei's family and their safety. After all, Minato-sensei is currently the only one closely associated with me in the village, and I've become attached to him after the many years he had helped and guided me.

My worried thoughts were halted when I realized that the horrible aura lingering in the atmosphere had dissipated. The tailed beast was finally defeated but a heavy price was paid for it.

The yondaime hokage was dead. My sensei is gone like the rest of my genin team.

His young life unexpectedly ended when he decided to seal the Kyuubi using a forbidden technique that cost him his life. His Uzumaki wife had died with him during the ordeal, leaving their newly born son an orphan. The blonde-haired kid was barely even a day old when he was tied to a terrible fate, he became the new jailor for the nine-tailed beast.

Minato-sensei's dying wish for his son to be revered as a hero for suppressing the nine tails was spat on by the villagers. They treat and view the boy as a nuisance that Konoha must get rid off even though he is just as much a victim of the rampage as the rest of them, the boy was even orphaned during the attack for goodness sake.

This reminded me why I hated people in the first place since most of them had very shallow minds. I felt very angered about the situation because sensei's legacy was being shunned by the village the same way my father was treated before his untimely death.

The recent events in my life made me more emotionally damaged than I already was.

I never felt so alone in my life.

Everyone else that mattered to me had left me behind one way or another, some temporarily and most of them permanently. I never felt this broken and abandoned than I did before. All the tragedies in my life were crushing me little by little; my father's suicide, Hideo-oji san's coma, Sumire's disappearance, my teammates' passing during the war, and my sensei's unexpected death.

Beforehand, people were still able to deal with me by correcting my negative traits, but now I only show the lack of reaction and emotion to everyone. People do not know how to deal with me anymore since the recent events made me suppress my emotions altogether as I try to adjust from all my emotional trauma.

My disagreeable personality turned into indifference, my driven attitude became apathy, and my austerity to shinobi rules became non-existent.

I would spend most of the day at the Killed-in-Action monument to honor my teammates who died during the war and my sensei who sacrificed himself for the village. I would stand there with my head bowed down, shoulder slumped and my hand touching the cold stone as I remember the people I've failed.

I would go to the hospital to talk to Hideo oji-san about how fucked up my life became. I told him about how people close to me seem to die one by one or have something bad happen to them. I mentioned how the talent and genius that I've been blessed with as a prodigy was probably partnered with a curse I cannot undo since I had the most unlucky streak in life.

I would cry alone in my room while I stare at the picture of the young girl that still lingers in my dreams when I sleep. I would read the poetry she gave me and my mind would be flooded with thoughts of her again- her amethyst eyes, silver-blonde locks, captivating smile and all the things that I miss about her.

At least seeing her in my dreams removed the nightmares I've been having recently. The grief for my whole team's death would turn to longing and my heart would continuously ache for her.

I've always ached for her

After sensei's death, I have been constantly doing work for the Black Ops division. I tried to forget all the negative emotions and trauma that I managed to collect throughout the years by focusing on the missions given to me. Whenever I wore the porcelain mask, my identity as Kakashi with a troubled past disappears as I've become nothing but an ANBU operative that was meant to execute my mission objectives flawlessly.

Those assignments are mostly infiltration and assassination missions that I've excellently completed every time. My good performance in the Black Ops granted me a promotion as ANBU captain for a team that serves directly under the sandaime hokage. It was an elite assault squad in the ANBU division called team Ro. This made me worried a bit, since I've been assigned to another leadership position and I do not want to fail my new team the same way I did with my previous one.

So I did what I was known for in my younger years.

I've trained harder to exceed my current abilities, and pushed myself beyond what I think I can achieve. I did this so my team could depend on me and I wouldn't have to see a comrade under my leadership perish while on duty to the best of my ability.

With my improvement, I've become even more regarded among the shinobi forces, not just Kakashi the prodigy and the cold-blooded killer, but as a ninja who did not let his comrades down.

I did all these to honor the memory of my father, teammates and sensei.

My reputation as a powerful shinobi of Konohagakure also reached other shinobi villages since another nickname was added next to my name. Lately, people call me Kakashi of the Sharingan or Copy Ninja Kakashi. I was able to fully utilize Obito's eye to an extent that not even some of the Uchihas can do. I was known as the man who copied over a thousand techniques through the use of the dojutsu bestowed upon me by my fallen comrade.

The enemies feared me and became cautious whenever they saw the crimson shade on one of my eyes.

The lone sharingan eye along with my very noticeable silver hair became the symbol for identifying "The Copy Ninja" in the battle field. This made me become listed as a high ranking shinobi to be targeted in the bingo books of enemy villages.

That thought reminded me of Sumire when we were younger, she was very fearful to be listed in one of those books and be targeted because of her heritage.

I wonder what she would think of me now, and how I have changed since then. She adored me before as she would usually call me "Kashi" and her "pretty boy".

Would she be repulsed by my current reputation?

Although I did achieve all my goals as a shinobi, would she be proud of what I have become?

I wish I had the answers to these questions that continually preoccupy my thoughts, but unfortunately, I do not.

Even after all these years, I still haven't found her.

I never felt her familiar presence at all in all the places I have visited. I always extend my sensing ability whenever my team would be sent to a new location, hoping I could find her in the area, and then send her chakra pulses to let her know I was thinking of her at that moment.

I knew my ANBU teammates noticed the necklace on several occasions that I would hold it out, mostly if I received her pulses to stare at her chakra as it glowed beautifully, or whenever I thought of communicating with her.

Sometimes I cannot help myself but blurt out greetings to her like "Good morning, Sumire" as I sent her chakra pulses, or whenever I felt emotional and miss the purple-eyed girl and whisper "I miss you so much, Sumire" while holding the pendant in front of my face. My team would hear my random ramblings and look at me with bewilderment, they've never asked about it though since they still respected my privacy.

This made my team see me in a different light.

I am aware that most of my comrades only looked at me like some sort of emotionless shinobi because of the previous reputation I had when I was younger, the unfortunate tragedies that happened to my life, and my current standing as one of the best that Konoha has to offer. They put me on some sort of pedestal since I am too good with what I do, and was even considered a perfect shinobi by some because of my well-rounded skills and high mission success rates. Additionally, my personality as an introvert, unfriendly character, and reserved demeanor gave the impression of me being unapproachable and distant to others.

These made the members of team Ro to be wary of having someone like me as their captain, they thought I was unreachable and unable to have connections with other people.

But I knew that my team felt more at ease with me when they saw the humane part of me- a cold-blooded killer that treasures someone so dearly, a team captain that cares for something else rather than the mission objective, the Kakashi who continuously calls out for a mysterious girl named Sumire.

Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night, even while on missions, and shout out her name. In my dreams, I would see her silhouette but she was always looking away from me, and then she would suddenly drift away. I tried to grab her but my hands couldn't touch her, it's like she was made of air. I would call her name out in panic numerous times but it's like she couldn't hear me or see me. This startled my teammates the first time it happened, they asked one time who I was calling out for but I didn't tell them about her so they left the subject alone. This became a common occurrence, I always muttered the same name in my sleep and my team would just ignore it.

I couldn't bring myself to talk about her to anyone except for her dad. It has been more than a decade since I've spent time with both of them, but it feels longer than that since a lot of things have happened since then.

Recently, when I visited Hideo oji-san at the hospital, the medics who were in charge of him had been very positive about his recovery despite it being slow. They said he could awake from his deep slumber soon since the nerves on his head were almost healed completely.

It made me happy and sad at the same time.

I would be glad to see him slowly regain his health, but regretful to inform him that her precious daughter still hasn't been found even after the numerous years that had passed.

How would he take it when he would be informed about the very unfortunate events that happened in the village while he was in a coma?

A new hokage had been appointed and died, a war had broke out and Konoha survived, the Kyuubi unleashed and was sealed to another, and even the defection of the infamous Orochomaru of the Sannin had occurred. Most of his friends and the familiar faces he knew had died during the war and the Nine-Tails attack, this would certainly be devastating for him since it all happened when he was unaware.

All of this information would be too much for him to bear, but I was still thankful since he would be better soon.

I just hope to find his precious purple-eyed daughter before he wakes up.

I sighed as I reached out for the necklace and sent her a few chakra pulses. My stare was locked on at the pendant, observing the faint blue glow while I felt her remaining essence within me, a tiny flare of chakra that had been calm and unmoving all throughout the years. I was happy I never felt her struggle during the war, not even once. She probably was too far away from all the conflict and maybe that was the reason why I haven't found her since then.

Sumire had been my saving grace from all the emotional breakdown I had when my teammates and sensei died. The daily chakra pulses we sent to each other definitely helped me to move forward each day.

She has been my anchor in this world that continuously tries to drown me with the wave of tragedies that kept battering me down. She is the calmness to the rage of negative emotions I feel within me. She's like the morning light that urges me to open my eyes every time the dawn approaches. She is the gravity that pulls me to reality whenever I feel like giving into insanity.

I continue to endure because of her.

But, how much more should I suffer before I could finally have happiness?

How many more tears should I shed before I get to have my prayers answered?

Is my only wish to be with her again too much to ask?

She's all I was hoping that life would bless me with after all the heartaches I endured, the tears I've shed, and the multiple times I was shattered and broken.

I am too consumed with my emotions and thoughts. I knew I just couldn't leave everything to fate and destiny, the silver-haired girl who I continuously yearn for won't just fall from the sky while I pray for her safe return. That's why I've been tirelessly searching for her ever since I could remember, but my efforts are not progressing at all so I cannot help but feel exasperated by the situation.

I miss you so much, Sumire! But where the fuck can I find you?