Chapter 13: persuasion

"Now they were as strangers; worse than strangers, for they could never become acquainted."

Dear Lily,

Please be happy for me. This is happy! I've been trying to find the words to explain but I know you won't need them because you're that smart, and I don't want to find myself apologizing for a decision I'll never regret. I will miss you tough - all of you.

I'm saving her, Lily. From what we went through and from so much worse that is still to come. We'll see each other again I'm sure but, until then, know that I'll tell her all about this one castle where the princesses are kind, and brave, and brilliant - like my friend Lily.

With love,

J.

January 1977

She should probably go pick up that hair pin. The one by the window seal, see there? Yeah, she had been siting by it when she played with it and listened to Marlene rave about how it didn't make any sense that their room mate and friend had left in the middle of the school year, probably to move and live in Japan with the father of her unborn baby. Probably, yes- because, as one does when running away from an undeniable upcoming hate movement, Jamie had left behind very vague and unclear goodbyes.

Yes, that's why it was there now - the air pin, she meant. Lily dropped it on the floor before going to bed giving it no second thought that she would pick it out later and ignore it then.

But now, she still laid on her bed, somewhat past 9 a.m., two days later and, from where it was impossible to ignore the little black line against the cold white of the wall. Maybe Lily could move it with her mind, if she concentrated enough, and that way, not be forced to move her body, sit on the bed, stand up with her own two feet, feel the weight of gravity in her already heavy head, take the two or forty steps needed to reach it, bend down, grab it, then go all the way to the bathroom to put it in its rightful place with the other hundred Lily possessed, and quickly run back to bed

Exactly - it was, indeed, an impossible mission, for sure, at the present moment. Heavier task than those challenged to Hercules. She wasn't going to do it of course, no. But it didn't stop her from re-imagining the steps over and over again in her mind and making her feel like, even if just inside her head, things could be neat and put into place and she had control over it - over something. Even if just a bloody hair pin.

She moved her eyes to her bedside table and saw the flowers Daniel had sent when she told him she wasn't feeling very well which was not a lie to be fair, she just didn't tell him why she wasn't feeling well - which was that the very idea of going to potions class and having to find yet again another class mate that would replace her previous partner which, coincidently, had also been a close friend, made her recoil into her bed sheets and groan loudly.

Worse only than potions class was the inevitably happening of her soon to be seventeenth birthday. However, this event was definitely campaigning for top worst facing as the last time Mary even mentioned the need to plan a party, Lily had a gag reflex that forced her to swallow a bit of her own vomit. If that was not being well, what was?

As she wallowed in this fact, a thought crossed her mind as fast as a car's headlight passing by a window.

She quickly went to her bag - trying to ignore how her body grunted the fact that she left the bed - to grab her enchanted school agenda and calendar that kept track of all her 6th year class assignments and prefect duties but also, came in handy with a 1977 lunar calendar. It was with this piece that she confirmed what she expected; that there was indeed no reason to celebrate.

She went back to bed.

It was Sunday evening and Lily had it finally in herself to head down to supper, mostly for the promise of brown rice.

With an empty seat in front of her, she couldn't help imagining that it was that way because it belonged to Jamie, and she wasn't here - and so it was empty. Imagining them laughing together made her stomach twist and Lily dropped her spoon full of rice, giving up on the rest of the meal and looking away, breathing deep.

She knew it wasn't like other times. It wasn't like Petunia who couldn't forgive her, or Snape who betrayed her, or Dad who-… well, you know. No, this was different, it was a good farewell, a happy one as Jamie made sure to press on and on.

I don't want to find myself apologizing for a decision I'll never regret.

That had been harsh for some reason. Jamie not saying she was sorry because she was not. What she was, if it wasn't yet clear enough, was happy. And Lily was happy for her friend's happiness. She was.

Or- she would be… eventually.

"So," Mary sat down next to her with her little note book in place. This one had constellation drawings in a dark brown leather background. "I'm thinking just a small gathering in the common room. I've talked with Frank and Alice about it and they're onboard, they'll change the password the next day so that Daniel and everyone else you'd like to invite can come over. I've talked with Barty Crouch and he'll take care of the music."

"I wouldn't trust Crouch's taste though," Remus jumped in on the conversation as he got up from the table. "The bloke listens to The Cure."

Mary sighed and looked at him. "Alright, and?

"And they're like one guitar and a whole lot of complaining" he offered patronizing.

"Yes, and if they rolled their eyes and wore patches on their elbows they'd be called Remus Lupin." Mary finished.

Remus starred, gaping like a fish for a moment and on the background, Sirius screams could be heard, as he grabbed Peter's arm in glee excitement, stopping the latter from getting to the drink on his hand.

"Blimey McDonald, claws are out I see but… mad respect there actually."

She gave him a faux smile and he walked out, flipping off Sirius who was still unable to control himself and grabbing Pete's head as if a stress release pillow against his chest.

"Right then, Potter and the rest of the Marauders will take care of the drinks-" the girl continued.

"Anything for you, McDonald!" Sirius shouted from afar the table, before getting up. "Oi Clarissa, wait up! You know who The Cure is, right? Great, so listen this, Mary-"

James chuckled to his mate's excitement and slid off the table, to some seats closer to the girls.

"What's all this?"He reached over and got Mary's annotations.

"Preparations. For Lily's birthday." She took her things back, slapping the Quidditch Captain on the hand.

"Ah! Little by little growing to your real age huh, Evans? You've always been like what, seventy-six, seventy-seven? At heart at least so, must feel nice."

"Really Potter, you were fourteen and asking out a grandma, then? Talk about mummy issues there."

James showed his crooked grin. "Play nice"

Lily mimicked his expression sheepishly, giving her a first a glimpse of what it was to feel like herself, for a few days now.

"So you lads will do it?" Mary asked.

And Lily opened her mouth to say something, not exactly sure what, but James answered. "Course, when is it again?"

"Two weeks from now, the party will be from Saturday to Sunday."

Lily noticed James' expression shift and how he fidgeted on his seat. "Oh right, hum-"

"Mary they won't be able to make it."

Lily offered without thinking and James looked at her, surprise and confusion all mixed.

"Wha- why not?" Mary asked James but he was still startled and so once again, Lily couldn't stop words from coming.

"Detention" she explained, sounding more secure than she actually felt.

"Seriously Potter, two weeks in advance?" Mary turned to him, disappointed but not surprised.

"Er- yeah, hum." He coughed to clear his throat. "McGonagall spaced it not to mess with Quidditch practice" He lied.

"Huh. Alright then I'll have to get it sorted. Oh Stebbins," she called after a passer-by, "does your cousin still work at the 1929 Tavern?"

And with that the curly Gryffindor was off, leaving the two of them alone. Lily quickly busied herself gathering her things, more to avoid looking at James than anything.

"Right, I should be off…" She said, heading to leave.

"No wait- Lily."

James followed as she did not stop, only catching her already in the corridor.

"How did you know we're not-?" He stopped her, in a serious manner.

She sighed, looking around, as if hoping for inspiration and not daring to look him in the eyes. "Well, wasn't that what you were going to say anyway? That you can't go?"

"I mean yeah but- how did you know?" He pressed.

"I er… I guess I just figured…" She tried sounding natural which only made it more obvious she was hiding something.

"You just figured we wouldn't be able to come to your birthday?"

He probably should have been thankful for the whole thing but when it came to Lily, he found it hard to let things go.

"Yeah, 'cause you have detention." She threw his way.

"Right."

"Yes, yes exactly, that's how I knew."

"That's how you knew?"

"Yeah, I'm a prefect so I know these things."

Oh boy.

They locked eyes and she gulped, feeling very dumb getting caught in her lie.

"I really need to go." She almost shouted out of panic. "I'm sorry, I- talk to you later, alright?"

And she left before he could reply, half running. Both their minds ringing pretty much the same thing.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Slughorn had been kind enough to let Lily remain partner-less for the rest of the school year as long as she promise him, she would join his club next time they would get together which she consciously hadn't in the past, knowing well that Severus was the only other sixth year attending, she had always managed to decline her favourite professor offers. Regardless of the high price to pay, she was thankful of these hours of solitude where she could just immerse herself on the task at hand which, at present, was the time consuming, detail-oriented demanding, frizzy hair transformer, amortentia potion - a powerful and dangerous potion as one should never underestimate obsessive infatuation.

"What the- no, no, no"

Lily was quick enough to stop a piece of enchanted paper that was flying her way, almost dropping inside her brewing ingredients which god knows would do to all the efforts she had put on the task. She looked at it to read and understand who she would have to murder after class.

Meet me in the room left to the kitchens, after class. Need to talk to you.

Lily looked up, locking eyes immediately with James who was starring. She swallowed a lump in her throat.

She was in the room, waiting for him, nervously pulling on her fingers and walking in circles, when she heard someone from behind the door.

"James Potter, what in heaven's name brought you near Slytherin's common room?" It sounded of a young pubescent boy, probably second year with the audacity of a sixth.

"For a walk, I needed some fresh air." She heard James' disregarding tone.

"Fresh air? We're in the dungeons." A high pitched accusation.

"We are? I have a terrible sense of direction."

Lily pressed her lips not to laugh.

"You're the Captain of Gryffindor's Quidditch team" the boy pointed, as if one could not match the other.

James sighed loudly. "Well smart arse, I'm also the co-founder of the Marauders, ever heard of them?" Lily imagined the young student must have acknowledged the group in some way. "Right, so you must know we tend to have a laugh at giving hell to nosy little Slytherins, don't you? Ever heard of Finnegan Harper, third year Slytherin?"

A pause where Lily assumed the other must have shaken head.

"Exactly."

And there was a sort of whimper and the sound of running steps, moving further away from the door.

A few moments later, enters James.

"Who's Finnegan Harper?" she asked him.

He looked at her with a grin, understanding she had heard the exchange. "Friend of dad's. Lives in Egypt."

She snorted. "You traumatized him."

"Please," James said, dropping his book bag "I bet by the end of the day, his story of the whole thing will have turned him into a king somehow for confronting Gryffindor's Quidditch captain, James Potter" he joked, thinning his voice and Lily smiled but that was before he turned to the door of the room and sent out a silencing charm.

It reminded Lily of what was to come and she got a chill.

"Thanks for meeting me… I really need talking to you because-"

"James I-" she interrupted, too nervous to let him continue. "I really hate lying… I'm not very good at it and I don't love it when others do it to me either so hum… you don't- you don't have to tell me the… truth. You really don't… but, you don't have to lie to me either…. It's alright, you don't have to tell me anything at all!"

James was standing straight, hearing her, and it made her feel even more distressed how composed he seemed. So she continued,

"You lot can't come to my birthday party for whatever reason and that's it. No explanation needed, we can just leave it at that."

James clenched his jaw and she hoped for heaven's sake he would drop it.

"Lily, I-I'm sorry, I need to know" His voice was calm and articulated, and if she didn't know him by now, the intensity behind it would have gone unnoticed. He took a couple of steps closer to her. "Did Snape tell you anything?" Her heart was beating so fast, she wondered if he could hear it. "Because if he did, he-"

"He didn't, he didn't!" She gave in, and it felt like folding her game, finally heading to honest territory.

James breathed in deep, before continuing. "Does anyone else-?"

"No, look… no one knows, OK? It's just-"

James kept starring, only making her heart stammer harder. Should she tell him?

"I was there alright? That night… at the Shrieking Shack…"

James face lost all traces of colour.

"You-"

"I was there, James, I saw what happened. I saw you save Snape."

May 1976

It was after O.W.L.s and Severus was still hounding me, trying to apologize over and over again.

We had fought over it, of course, and his new argument was trying to prove that his- mistake, was no different than what you, Sirius, Remus and Peter did back in those days. I couldn't care less what either of you did or said but that night, Mary said he'd waited for me, again, before leaving her with a letter. I meant to just throw it in the fire and keep on with my evening but something made me take a look, telling myself there was nothing he could say that would change things.

That's when I read it. He was telling me how he was going to prove to me that you weren't as wonderful as everyone thought and, I guess he just convinced himself that, if he'd proved why you kept sneaking around at night, I'd forget all about all the reasons that made me decide he and I couldn't be mates any more. By the time I reached the part saying he was going down the tunnel near the Whomping Willow, I leaped from the sofa and kept running its way.

You see, what I never told Severus was that, I had thought of the same theories he had about Remus, sooner even. Difference is, the more convinced I was that they were true, the less I thought it was my place to find out about it. So when I read what he was planning, I had no doubts that he would be stubborn enough to get himself in serious trouble.

When I got there, I got just in time to see him getting dragged out the tunnel… by you. None of it made sense, you were there too and you were both bleeding and I thought… I thought the worst, and I was so scared. I heard the howls from inside and I heard you two fighting. I didn't want to make anything worse so I just ran back to call for McGonagall but I actually ran to Dumbledore before getting to her. I was crying and I hadn't even realized it. He told me to call for Pomfrey which I did.

I stayed up all night, waiting to talk to Dumbledore again, which I did about 4 a.m., when I couldn't stay still any longer. I went to his office and he told me what had happened, more or less. He asked me what I knew and what I thought I knew and I told him everything. He didn't deny my theories and told me you had saved Snape even though he didn't say how. He didn't have to of course, but he made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone, but I guess he trusted me enough that my word was enough.

"Before I went to bed, after seeing Dumbledore, I actually passed by the infirmary." Lily was sitting down on one of the unused chairs of the normally empty room, telling the story for the first time ever aloud. To James Potter, of all people, who was leaning in one of the tables, crossed arm, listening attentively. "I… sneaked in…" She blushed as this was the part of the story, she felt most embarrassed about.

She took a strengthening breath before continuing. "I went to see you, I… I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't push away this image of yours. Dishevelled and… hurt. At that moment I was no better than Snape, trying to find something that was none of my business but, I went anyway. I found you and I saw your wounds and I… cried, actual tears of relief, because well, those were not typical werewolf wounds, were they?" she swallowed at the first time she said those words and noticed how James' expression was stone cold unreadable, which nerved her very much. "Whatever it was that you did, not only saved Snape, but saved yourself as well."

She was coming to a close of her story and James had kept complete silent for the whole thing.

"I guess it had been the first time I actually thought of you as a great wizard" she finished softly, unsure of his reaction. "You probably don't remember but after that I just tried my best to avoid you altogether-"

"I remember" he said, his off-voice startling Lily.

They stared at each other for a few endless moments, until he looked away.

"Right, thanks for telling me all of that Evans. I should go now."

"Wha- where are you going?"

She got up her chair as he gathered his bag, starting to walk off. "Going to murder Snivellous" he said venomously.

"No, you're not- James!"

She called after him, grabbing his arm and, like a siren's song, it forced him to turn around and face her. His emotions were a confusing swirl within him, so James did what he always did in these situations. He lashed out, towering over her.

"He invited you over, Lily! He was daff enough to head down there and on top of that, took you along with him!"

"Stop that!" Lily did not move, even if the last time they both had been this close was only once, at his house, in his ballroom a couple of weeks prior. "He didn't take me anywhere. No one makes or lets me do anything. God- you sound just like him."

James saw red.

"Do not compare me with him" he growled.

A tense silence fell, and they both glared at one another, a breath distance from each other. James could see her shake with anger, chest heaving, with her prissy little chin high in the air.

"I'm sorry." She finally said, still tense but trying to calm down. "I shouldn't have compared you two, I'm sorry."

She looked genuinely apologetic but…his pent-up angst from being unable to articulate his romantic feelings for her, the unfortunate comparison with Snape and especially, the lingering thought that those big green eyes staring back at him, had been there that night. That night where James had ever really first admitted that not everything was a joke, that he didn't have everything under control and, the odds of something real bad happening were higher than otherwise. And adding that scenario to one with Lily, made him dizzy to say the least, causing him to spectacularly implode.

"You knew. All this time you knew, and you hid it from me, from Remus." Lily had never heard him speak so brusquely, and that was saying something.

"I couldn't just tell you now, could I?"

He continued. "You play this innocent role, walking through life as if you don't know anything."

"What are you talking about, Potter?" She didn't like the accusation of one of her biggest insecurities.

"See- even now! Always in the dark, aren't you? Didn't know about Pete's feelings for Mary, or-or my feelings for you!"

And they were both quiet for several seconds. Lily's heart raced, and her face flushed. James seemed to have no regrets, his cheeks were red with fury, and his breathing heavy.

Until Lily let out a shaky whisper of, "What did you just say?"

And then it hit him.