Now and Forever
Chapter 4
"Hello, Mrs. Slattery. My name is Dr. Fitzpatrick. I am your new psychiatrist. How are you feeling?" The too cheerful doctor asked.
"Hazy." Christine admitted. She was just now coming to and was not loving that her very sore wrists were strapped down.
"You have been asleep all night. Its to be expected. You lost a lot of blood as well. If it wasn't for your husband finding you and then giving you a donation…well, we wouldn't be talking now." Dr. Fitzpatrick remarked.
"Mike did that?" Christine asked.
"Yes. He also said to tell you that he has no intention of taking the girls away and that they all loved you. He has called every hour on the hour checking on you." Dr. Fitzpatrick explained.
"Mike did that?" Christine repeated.
"He did. He is really beating himself up over this. His remark during his last phone call was that he felt he had undermined you throughout your entire marriage. Said something about being disappointed after your younger daughter's birth, said it went downhill from there." Dr. Fitzpatrick explained as she sat down next to Christine's hospital bed.
"He was a bit disappointed but they seemed to bond quickly. My concern then was that he wouldn't." Christine said.
"I see." Dr. Fitzpatrick answered.
"Look; I'll make this easier. I failed. I failed as a wife and a mother. I couldn't even manage a divorce. I don't deserve Mike's forgiveness. My girls needed their father too but I kept them away because I was scared he would find a way to prove me unfit. After all, Lucas was in my care when he died. I couldn't keep my son alive. Kept my girls from their father. Abandoned and cheated on my husband, who has always been loyal to me." Christine said.
"And your husband said that had he reconnected with your daughters, he isn't sure he would be a present father with the demands put on him. Now…he is considering retirement so he can be a more present father, and husband." Dr. Fitzpatrick said.
"More than anything; I just wanted Mike home before." Christine admitted.
"He mentioned that." Dr. Fitzpatrick remarked.
"When Mike calls back; tell him that I'm sorry." Christine said.
"Sorry that you cheated, sorry that you kept the girls from him, sorry that you attempted suicide or sorry that you didn't succeed?" Dr. Fitzpatrick asked.
"All of the above." Christine answered honestly.
"Here's the thing; I need to take these off your wrists and I've taken the sharp objects away but you have to promise that you won't do anything. You stand a chance with your husband. You have to forgive yourself." Dr. Fitzpatrick said before standing up and carefully unfasted the straps on Christine's wrists.
"They do hurt." Christine admitted.
"The slices were very deep but horizontal. Not vertical. That is what saved you, beside your husband. There might be some nerve damage though." Dr. Fitzpatrick explained.
"Thank you." Christine said as she massaged her wrists.
"I left a journal and a pencil. I suggest writing entries as your wrists allow. And the pencil is not sharp and there's no metal." Dr. Fitzpatrick explained as she handed Christine the items. Christine picked up the small pencil and laughed under her breath.
"People could use a pencil to commit suicide?" She asked.
"Or homicide." Dr. Fitzpatrick answered. She left Christine then and Christine flipped the notebook open. She was never much for journaling but she understood the purpose. Christine stared at the journal for a long moment, knowing it would be read by Dr. Fitzpatrick and not caring. The woman seemed to know everything anyway.
"Mike,
I am so sorry you found me like that and had to donate blood to save me. I've been told you've called every hour to check on me and I don't know how I've ever deserved that sort of loyalty.
I stayed away and kept the girls away because I was terrified that because of Lucas dying and all the things that I did wrong where you were concerned, you would have me ruled as unfit. You were so upset when you called and I told you about Lucas.
You say that you won't take the girls, but they may leave voluntarily. Being alone scares me. I don't deserve any forgiveness I'm given. F or anything. Lucas dying. My affair and filing for divorce without your knowledge. Keeping the girls away.
When you hugged me, I was struck by how good it felt and how I had missed those hugs. Missed the way you would run your hand through my hair and would kiss my neck. It used to drive me crazy but I have missed it. I missed you, far more than I ever wanted to admit.
Love,
Christine"
Writing the letter was extremely cathartic and Christine felt some peace. She was also tired and sat it aside to go to sleep. Her wrists were hurting and she knew she needed to rest and heal.