Chapter 2 Jokichi Yudasei Aishi: The not-so-fun side
WARNING! Graphic mentions of Grief, Survivors guilt, Suicide attempts and similar stuff. Also a long and heavy chapter. (Jokichi is almost always referring to Ryoba as SHE/HER in capital and cursive letters)
It all began, when I was tired of being single and finally wanted a girlfriend.
Oh … if only I had known … if only I hadn´t been so naïve … if only I could have known and done things differently…. But alas I can´t turn back time…
It hurts… it hurts so much… they are all g-gone…m-missing…framed or d-dead… the girls I loved…
Ugh… why am I even trying to remember? This if it is so painful… why do I even bother anymore…
Maybe I try to cling onto some memories of my old self… of who I really was before SHE ..SHE crushed my life.
R-right, I need to remember… for my daughter… so that I can take care of her and help her become a good person…
I knew Sumire Saitozaki, my dear friend who also studied at Akademi for a year….
I .. I shouldn't … have gotten to close to her… maybe it was the bento she gave me … or …
She had the same taste in books as me and was such a good person! So kind! So loving! So gentle! So Young! So hopeful! I wanted to spend my life with her! I loved her so much! But no!
IM CURSED! I … ugh… d-don't d-deserve t-to l-li-ve…
…
SHE DIED! SHES DEAD! AND ALL BECAUSE OF ME! ME! I caused her death!
SHE DIDN'T DESERVE THAT! SHE WOULD NEVER HURT ABYONE! WHY? JUST WHY DID IT HAPPEN!
I … should … never have talked too much to her. Bu-… but I just enjoyed talking to her so much! Maybe ..,maybe , had I been more careful, she would have lived…
Sumire… I know you won´t hear this, but… I'm sorry, IM SO SORRY! I SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED YOU-… but I couldn´t… I..I´m so pathetic…SO PATETIC AND WORTHLESS!
IT HURTS TOO MUCH! IT HURTS TOO MUCH!TO REMEMBER! ARRGH! I WANT IT TO STOP! I WANT TO DIE!
But… I can't´. I … I can´t leave my daughter alone … with HER!
When Sumire went missing I … I was devastated! At first I still clung onto the hope that my best friend would return… but no…
So … I desperately wanted to find someone …to talk to. To fill the hole that was torn into my heart when she vanished. How stupid I was…
Then I met Kaguya… She was a bubbly girl and tried her best to cheer me up, but our interactions were sabotaged. The bento was bad, the book from by sister which I lent to her got stolen, Kaguya´s gift was replaced with condoms and so on…
The notes she gave me were sabotaged… but my grades suffered anyways, because I couldn't think as clearly as before anymore…
I don't even want to take guess who did all of this… I know it anyways…
I rejected Kaguya because I thought she was weird… it was difficult to reject her… she even cried…
Oh if only I knew…I was so stupid and naive
Well at least she lives. I heard that she got married. She probably has a happier marriage than I have…
I was calming down, but the loss of my friend weighted on me heavily, and didn't think anything bad would happen.
Oh how wrong I was…
Next week I met a tomboyish girl named Moeko. She gave me a bento, and she burned to death the same day, an accident…AN ACCIDENT MY ASS! I heard that Moeko was rumoured to have a dangerous hobby, but I know that this was no coincidence.
I was terrified. I knew something was wrong, oh if only could have known and done something about it…
So when Honami Hodoshima gave me a bento the next week, I told her that I was scared for her. That I was jinxed in some way. I pleaded her to be careful. She reminded me so painfully of Sumire. She was kind, shy and timid and she loved books too. It must have taken her a lot of courage to speak with me.
Guess … wh-what h-hap-ppened… y-yes, … she died in an accident too! DANM IT! Apparently a bookshelf crushed her!
When I met Sumiko the next week I told her that so many people around me had died, but she … she wouldn't listen! She consoled me and encouraged me to eat healthy and exercise… and… she … died … on a poisoned meal.
The next Girl I met, the rich Ritsuko, d-drowned in a pool, and then Ai Doruyashi, an aspiring pop idol got ele-…electrocuted on stage! In a cruel twist of fate the song she s-sung was about electrifying love. I KNOW THESE WEREN´T ACCIDENTS AND I HATE THE PERSON THAT CAUSED ALL OF THIS WITH ALL MY HEART AND WANT TO KIL-
No.
..A-as m-much as I h-hate i-it, I h-have to s-sup-p-pr-ress that urg- th-that th-thought a-and shove it into the d-darkest r-recesses of my m-mind… for my daughter, she must … be protected…
By now the Atmosphere at Akademi was lower and the police was much more active… but unfortunately it did nothing. NOTHING!
N-next was another girl who talked to me, named Teiko, who was expelled, apparently they found … bad things in her backpack, and then another girl that had her reputation ruined and left Akademi because of bullying.
I was so … torn. I de-desperately wanted to g-get a g-girlfriend, b-but i-if the girls I talked to d-die because of m-me, I should not e-ev-ven t-try anymore.
Nonetheless I liked the Model Chigusa, but she lost interest in me for one of her many fans, which p-probably was for the better…
And finally the I met the Journalist´s apprentice Sonko Sakanoue. She was a skilled junior detective and had previously solved a murder mystery. I… I really hoped that she would solve the c-case of the murder disappearance my friend and the d-deaths and accidents that happened to the other girls. HOW FOOLISH I WAS! HOPING IS USELESS! USELESS! ALL THAT HOPE DOES IS GIVE YOU A FALSE FEELING OF SAFETY THAT GETS CRUSHED TOTALLY AND THOROUGHLY!
Sonoko gave me a bento on Monday and investigated the case, but then she lost interest.
I did manage to graduate, even though my grades had suffered considerably… apparently the teachers understood my predicament.
Then there was the murder case… and SHE was declared innocent. I DON'T BELIEVE ANY OF IT!
Anyways I was feeling lost and languished… but the w-worst was y-yet to c-come.
SHE drugged and kidnapped me and put me into her FUCKING BASEMENT on that DAMN CHAIR!
I was so terrified… she had gagged and b-bound m-me… UGH! I c..can´t force myself to r-remember… it is TOO MUCH!
I was losing what little hope I still had, I… I was in the basement and had to love her so I could survive…
Ugh…
Then two men came to the basement unbound me and drove me to a warehouse and I thought that, maybe, just maybe I was being rescued… But NO!
OF COURSE NOT! SHE CAME AND TOOK ME BACK STRAIGHT INTO HER ACCURSED BASEMENT AGAIN!
…
I can't … and don't want to … remember … anything that f-followed. SHE makes me listen to these fucking tapes if I "misbehave" too much or shows me her favourite kitchen knife. SHE is supervising me and breathing down my neck almost all of the time … she is suffocating me with her clinginess … her voice is so terrifying … and the worst of it… if have some affection for her… call it Stockholm syndrome or whatever you want…. But I had to get attached to HER to survive, no matter how much I fear HER and shove down all that rage, all that grief, all those horrible experiences into the furthest corner of my mind. UFH!
And I got married to HER and my family doesn't know about anything that happened…they think everything is fine…LIKE HELL IT IS!
After all SHE knows how to get her way and silence me…
This has been my entire life for the-devil-knows-how-long.
I had attempted to e-end it a-all, I …used sl-sleeping p-pills to t-try and e-esca-p-pe h-HER…but I f-failed. …For the better or the w-worse I f-failed. I woke up to her being hysterical and she f-forced me to nev- n-never attempt a-anything like this again. She screamed at me for how ungrateful I am to try and kill myself when she has w-worked so hard to get me (BAH!) and loves me so much…
I had thought I had all of my spirits thoroughly crushed, but surprisingly I hadn´t. Since my daughter was born I want to protect her with all my might. No matter what or who it is that wants to harm her, I can't let that happen! Even if it is … HER!
When my daughter was born, her eyes weren't yet as dull as they are now. When she was still very small she would be happy to meet me, for example when I came from work and then SHE would – behind my very back- be angry with her for being happy and tell her only senpai would make her happy. SHE said that Ayano is the physical manifestation of our love, but apparently sees her as a rival to her affection with me. IT DISGUSTS ME! WHY WOULD YOU HURT YOUR DAUGHTER SO MUCH?! CANT YOU JUST LET HER BE HAPPY?!
At least… she doesn't go much further…
When I found out how SHE punished my daughter for showing emotions I just…. snapped…
Well t-technically that´s not the right term for it… but I went berserk… I was scared, proud and embarrassed all at the same time at myself for having done it. I was really surprised that I had any fight left inside me, but apparently it is easier to stand up for other people you love than it is to stand up for yourself. Especially when you don't have much to lose anymore…
No glares, no threats to drag me back to the basement and force me listen to the damned tapes, no knife brandishing and not even a physical attack could stop me from protecting my daughter! When SHE realized, that even the knife did nothing to stop me and she had already given me a shallow cut, Ryoba had to accept defeat! .SHE didn't really want to harm me … because SHE "needs" me.
The terms of Truce were the following.
SHE will not ever harm our Daughter for showing emotions. If our daughter needs help or attention, she will care for her and not fixate on me while neglecting her.
SHE will let me take our daughter to the doctors and have her examined to hopefully fix her.
SHE takes me to the doctor and have the wound treated, I got a preliminary bandage, but the doctor will check the wound. SHE wouldn't want to lose her precious Darling to a wound SHE inflicted , right?
SHE will not tell our daughter about murder, kidnapping and other gruesome subjects, at least as long as she is still young.
SHE will let our daughter pursue whatever hobbies she may want to have, as long as I accept them
SHE apologizes to me for hurting me and takes me out for a reconciliatory date
It worked out better than I had ever expected and I got my wound treated, my daughter got examined and Ryoba even apologized to me. I would never have expected it from HER! But apparently SHE is not completely crazy… only like 99 percent ! hehehe…HAHA!
The date was much more pleasant than I would have expected, the walk was beautiful and the dresses were really tasty.
And the best of it all, SHE will let my daughter be herself.
Unfortunately… the damage was done…
My daughter… she had become numb and dull! What have YOU DONE to my daughter!
The spark in her eyes…gone! Those dull, lifeless eyes…almost like those of HER! But they look much sadder and not threatening.
The doctors could not do anything to help her and even when I gave her gifts she would no longer react positively to them…
I am really worried for my daughter… Please…. Please don't become like your mother. Please … please show some emotion, please be normal!