It's My Life

It was roughly about 9:15 pm as Severus was reading in his quarters and it only just hit him that he didn't see Harry go the same way as the Slytherins had. Severus quickly set his book aside and left his room to get down to the wall entrance into the Slytherin Common room. Severus got inside and saw his godson sitting with his usual group of friends.

"Uncle Sev?" Draco sat up on the couch. "What brings you by?"

"Where's Potter?" Severus asked.

"Dumbledore came by the table earlier before dinner when you were with Harry, said to pass the message he needed to talk to him. Harry went to his office after dinner." Draco informed.

"And he's still not back?" Severus questioned.

"No…Why? What's wrong?" Draco stood up.

"Nothing, I just assumed he would be back. Do you believe there's reason to worry?" Severus asked his godson.

"Well…Harry told me that when he did return to ensure it was actually him. Like ask something only he'd know and if he didn't seem himself, bring him to you." Draco informed.

"Then when he returns, ensure its him. If there's a problem, bring him right to me." Severus stated and then he turned to leave, but felt his bracelet heat up on his wrist and tighten. 'Harry…' He thought. Severus didn't waste any more time as he left the common room in a brisk walk to get to Albus's office. Severus went as fast as he could from the dungeons to the headmaster's office, and ended up finding Harry darting down the hall.

"YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME ANYMORE!" Harry yelled.

"Harry Potter, you come back here right now." Albus ordered.

Harry ended up running right into Severus, looking up to see him. "Help…Help me, please?" Harry whispered.

"I've got you." Severus pushed Harry behind him. "Albus, what did you do?"

"I told him he will be staying with his muggle relatives over the holidays and in the summer. We only talked about why he left the wards." Albus informed. "A discussion we're still having, so Harry…Return to my office."

"No!" Harry refused.

"Alright, maybe you should give a rest for tonight, Headmaster…" Severus suggested. "He's obviously tired and worked up, pursuing it further isn't going to assist in getting the message across that it's for his own safety. You're scaring him and I know Potter doesn't frighten easily…Don't command him like an enemy would it's prisoner." He remarked. "He will not come to you willingly if you're making him think he can't trust you."

"Of course, Severus. Harry, forgive me…I'm only trying to get it across that you are safest there." Albus informed.

Harry closed his eyes and actually hid behind Severus. "I want to go back to the common room…" Harry muttered.

"I'll escort you there." Severus told him. "Goodnight Albus." He turned and gave Harry a light push to start walking and Severus would guard his back from Albus.

Harry was silent the entire walk back to the dungeons and, of course, Severus took Harry right to his office and sat the boy down on the couch. Severus summoned a calming draught to his hand and pulled the stopper before giving it to Harry to drink. With shaky hands, Harry accepted the potion and drank it in two sections. He began to feel calmer and finally sigh out.

"Thank you…For coming when I called." Harry told the potions master.

"For you to use the two way bracelet, rather your necklace to my bracelet, it had to be bad." Severus stated. "What warranted you using the emergency line?" Harry was quiet. "You're not in trouble, Harry. I told you to use it if you felt you were in danger with anyone, especially Dumbledore. I only want to know what he did…" He informed.

"What he told you was only half the truth." Harry finally spoke, looking down. "He wanted to know why I left the wards over the summer and I told him it was to get away from my abusive aunt and uncle. We argued that for a bit…Then he told me he wanted me back in Gryffindor. I said I'd been re-sorted by the hat and he told me that he wasn't asking me to go, he was ordering it. We argued again and as I said goodnight and went to leave, he put up some shield over his door to keep me from leaving. He told me I would obey him…" Harry explained. "All my rings were flashing for danger; he had pulled his wand on me…"

"He pulled his wand on you, after saying you would obey him?" Severus asked. Harry nodded. "Did he use any spells?"

"He tried to fire something wordlessly at me, but I think the protection of my rings blocked it." Harry replied.

"How did you get out of the barrier?" Severus inquired.

"After my rings protected me, I pushed on the shield; he seemed stunned that his spell failed and they broke it so I could run out and get down the stairs…" Harry told him softly.

"And did you feel anything else happen while you were with him?" Severus pushed.

"When he demanded me to return to Gryffindor, I felt some wave of magic try to come over me…But my rings kept it back." Harry admitted.

"I knew he'd try something eventually…But I didn't think it would be this soon into the year," Severus sighed. "Did he give any indication he knows about the temporary loss of him being guardian, or the key to your vaults not working?"

"No…He only wanted to know why I was outside the wards of Privet Drive and then also wanted me back in Gryffindor, despite the hats decision." Harry said.

"I think he was trying to use compulsion charms on you." Severus remarked.

"To make me do what he wanted." Harry mumbled. "I had a feeling he might, that's why I told Draco to check it was actually me."

"He told me. I'd been in the common room when I got your summons, asking why you didn't head to the dungeons after dinner." Severus said. "Your rings protected you, we can be thankful for that. But expect now that Albus is going to try and use other methods to gain control of you. Just be weary of everything, even if you don't get a physical reaction to your rings. If you feel something is off, stay away from it and find me as soon as you're able."

"I will…Um, I think he was trying to get in my head too. I felt something trying to get in there, like when we were at the bank and you took those memories for the investigation file…" Harry confessed.

"Did it feel like he was in your mind, or trying to get in?" Severus asked.

"Trying to and hard at that. It gave me a headache from hell, pardon my tongue." Harry bowed his head to his guardian.

"I'll excuse it as you were using such to explain the level of headache," Severus held out his hand to summon a pain reliever to his hand and gave that to Harry.

"Draco and I had been talking about it over dinner. I knew the feeling cause he's gotten into my head in the past, and Draco told me to enter the office with my mind cleared and try to block him. He said it was Occlumency…I tried and I think I managed to keep him from getting into anything major, but it felt like he was in and looking for something." Harry admitted.

"Albus is accomplished in Legilimency, not as good as me…But he knows how to break the surface of someone unsuspecting. Draco was right to warn you about shielding your mind with him…" Severus stated.

"And while we're on the topic…I don't think it's just him I have to worry about. I've seen flashes of another mind too, I don't know if they're in mine or I'm in theirs…It happens at night. I've always seen things at random since fourth year, but this year…It's weird, I'm seeing things as if I'm actually there, through another's eyes…If that makes sense? It doesn't to me, but that's all I can explain it as."

"What do you see?" Severus asked.

"I-I think I'm seeing things through the eyes of someone named…Nagini." Severus's eyes widened some. "I think she's close to the dark lord, I can hear his voice sometimes. Telling Nagini to kill and then I see myself striking at someone…It's blurred. I don't know. But it's more than half the reason I can't sleep. Or I do, then wake up in the middle of the night." Harry told him.

"I'm sure you know that the night the dark lord tried to kill you, you ended up with some of his powers through that scar." Severus composed himself.

"Dumbledore told me in first year and second after the big end of the year stuff happened. Like with Quirrell and the Chamber of Secrets. What does it have to do with this?" Harry wondered.

"I believe you and the dark lord have a connection through your scar too. Has it burned when waking from these…Visions?" Harry nodded. "That confirms it." He sighed.

"Do you know who Nagini is, sir?" Harry questioned.

"She's the dark lord's snake. She was a woman, but had a blood curse that turned her into a snake not too long ago." Severus remarked.

"Severus…Draco told me you were a master at both looking in and blocking out regarding the mind. Can you-Could you teach me how to block people from getting into mine? I think it would be for the best to keep out Dumbledore and Voldemort, for obvious reasons…Can you teach me? I promise I'll pay attention and work hard." Harry requested. "Please?"

"Harry, of course I'll teach you. You're right, you need a mental defense against the dark lord and the old fool…" Severus agreed. "It is very hard to do, Harry, I won't lie to you about that. But you seem to have the basis down of blocking; we just need to train it to be stronger and block everything. Out of curiousness, what did Draco tell you at dinner about blocking?"

"Just to clear my mind, shove all my thoughts and feelings behind a protective shield." Harry told him. "I pulled a you move."

"Me?" Severus asked.

"Staying completely calm, keeping an even face and tone…" Harry revealed. "It helped. That's what Draco told me to do, give nothing away. Make myself unreadable, and as I walked to his office…I had your image in mind. Well, how you portray yourself."

"Impressive, truly…" Severus told him. "If it worked for you, I won't knock it. But yes, I will teach you Occlumency. How to block all the time, to give nothing away. We'll work on it nights after dinner, an hour or so each night…We can bypass the weekend nights, unless you want to work at it then." He stated.

"I'll work at it as much as you want to tolerate my presence, Professor. This is something that takes precedence over my free time…Dumbledore can't be in my mind because it'll give away everything we did over the summer to keep him from having control over me. And Voldemort, that's a no-brainer. I know too much about you and your life, as well as others; he could use me to hurt the people I care about…My mind isn't safe, which is something I never thought I'd have to worry about. I'll work at it as much as I can." Harry promised.

"You have drive, Potter. I'll give you that. Bloody hell, a lot of determination, when applied correctly." Severus told him calmly.

"I do have things that matter to me in this life. I might have told Dumbledore that I'd have preferred death over staying with my muggle relatives any longer…I told him I would rather fight Voldemort and die over dealing with my relatives or Umbridge anymore…" Harry looked down.

"Do you truly feel that way, Harry? That you want to die?" Severus asked calmly, maybe with some concern. Sure, he knew from Narcissa that Harry had been basically asking for death the night she and Lucius found him locked in that room at the Dursley's. But to hear it from Harry himself? That was concerning.

Harry kept his eyes down. "I-I don't know, Professor…" Harry confessed. "The night Lucius and Narcissa found me, yes…I was ready to accept death. I wanted to close my eyes and not wake up. I wanted to die…But then I did wake up and realized that people knew. People saw what I'd been suffering for the last five years. Well even before that, all my life." He continued, only pausing a moment.

"Go on, tell me…" Severus urged. "I'm not here to judge you, but I am more than your head of house and potions teacher, Harry. I'm your guardian and in all the positions; it's my duty to look after you. Keep you from harm, even that of you harming yourself."

"No. No!…I-I don't do anything like that!" Harry said quickly. "I-I've never hurt myself with anything."

"But you've thought about it? Answer me honestly…" Severus told him.

"I-I have, briefly." Harry nodded.

"When?" Severus inquired.

"Twice…In third year when I learned that Sirius was my godfather and he told me I could live with him when his name was cleared. I hated the idea of returning, even though I had a place to go. And then…Just over the summer, after Voldemort came back to his body…Before Cedric got killed. We were friends and it…Had been my idea for us to both touch the cup at the same time. Be it a tie, both of the people chosen to represent Hogwarts taking the cup…Then Pettigrew killed him, on Voldemort's order. Kill the spare…That's what he called Cedric. Just a spare and killed him, not a care in the world." Harry said, keeping his head down. "It haunted me after it happened. Still does sometimes; Cedric was so ready to defend me and there was nothing I could do. The nightmares kept waking my aunt and uncle, they started beating me more over it." Harry informed. "Everyone in Gryffindor basically turned their back on me when my name ended up in the Goblet of Fire, thought I'd lost Ron as a friend too. That didn't help any during that year, even after they started showing support for me…There was the tournament risks themselves I had to worry about."

Severus saw worry, fear, sadness. He saw dullness. Like Harry was losing the bright light he'd always shown off with a smile. Harry was depressed, it was clear as day with everything he was admitting. And he hid it so well, Severus never would have guessed Harry felt this way until the night Narcissa told him of Harry wanting it to end. And this only proved it wasn't just a phase, Harry had felt this way for a long time and it got worse when he came to Hogwarts. Albus was to blame for this. Albus and Voldemort. Harry kept all this inside, still wearing a smile and acting fine while everything tore him apart.

"It's too much on the shoulders of a child. Yes, I'm fifteen…But I'm still a child. There's always so much on me, including my life on the line every year. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. Wondering what big thing is gonna happen at the end of the year to test my sanity, what's gonna be the thing to attempt to break me. Now this? The headmaster being responsible for putting me with my muggle relatives, instead of with Sirius, who was completely innocent that night…Who came to the house to take me before going after Pettigrew. Headmaster trying to get into my vault…Trying to control me like I'm just some…Weapon to him. I'm not gonna lie that it feels like he's been using me, trying to mold me to be the one who kills Voldemort. I don't know, the whole thing just feels off and that he's been the voice in my head that has literally led me to finding the stone in first year, the chamber in second year, even learning the truth in third year, everything in fourth year…Like honestly. He's the one who drops all the hints and I foolishly went along with things." Harry sighed.

"This isn't how I should have to live my life. It's…Exhausting, Professor. And to be honest…I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of fighting." Harry finally said. "So yes…To answer your question before if I feel that way still…Yes, even tonight. For a moment, I meant what I said. That I'd rather be dead than deal with Umbridge, Dumbledore, and Voldemort." Harry looked the man in the eyes. "I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do. I don't even know what keeps me going these days. I'll be honest and admit that I spend a lot of time trying to find reasons why I shouldn't just give up and I think what makes that harder is also knowing that no one really knows how I feel. No one can see past the surface that I'm actually-,"

"Screaming on the inside, wanting someone to notice and tell you that you're not really okay. You want someone to tell you that it will be alright and they're there for you?" Severus asked gently.

"Yeah…" Harry nodded, closing his eyes.

Severus reached his hand over and put it on Harry's shoulder, making the boy look over at him. "I know you've openly admitted to me you're not okay, and I can't promise it'll always be easy…But I do promise that eventually, everything will be alright, Harry. You're here for a reason, Harry. Maybe it is to defeat the dark lord, and if so…Embrace that reasoning. Destroy the murderous bastard and take back your life. Take back control. Never give up your life because of other people, fight back. This is your life, not theirs. You're not alone, Harry. Never. Your parents are always with you, and you've got the Malfoy's, the friends in Slytherin, Hermione, and Ronald, other friends in Gryffindor. You have Remus, Sirius…You've got Dobby, Minerva, Filius, Pamona, Poppy, other teachers, including me as a teacher, head of house, and your guardian. We are here for you. And we all stand with you, Harry. I promise you that when you hit days you feel like you can't stand anymore or don't have the strength to carry on; we'll be here to hold you up and give you all the support and strength you need to keep going. There are so many people who love you, Harry. So many people who want you here. Let us be your reason. Let love be your reason."

Harry didn't even realize tears had formed until they were falling down his cheeks. Harry quickly wiped them with his robe sleeve, then moved in and hugged Severus tightly, sighing out. "Thank you…"

Severus was surprised by the action, a hug? Harry was hugging him for what he said? It was new to Severus, he never even hugged Draco. Severus eventually wrapped one around Harry's shoulders and gave a light squeeze back, just to give the boy the comfort he was seeking out. Harry went years without any love from anyone. Sure, he had friends, but not really any family love. And Harry didn't see Sirius and Remus too often, Severus didn't see why he shouldn't or couldn't become a parental figure to Harry; he obviously needed a role model in his life. Someone to be there for him no matter what and to know someone was there he could trust and go to with whatever.

"You're welcome, Harry." Severus replied finally and then he saw it; the smallest smile appeared on Harry's lips and he knew he'd done a good thing and just what Harry had needed.