A/N: This chapter contains a long author note at the end. The note is entirely about things in my real life that influence this story, not the story itself, so feel free to skip. If anyone reads this story hoping to learn things from my experience, then the note might be valuable to you. It contains what I've learned about how habits get established, both good and bad, and advice on how to apply this knowledge to establish good habits successfully. That advice can be boiled down to this: don't talk about them until you've been doing them for a long time.

Now then! Um... "Civvy" is short for civilian, in case anyone didn't know that. With that out of the way, enjoy!

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Original Hidan

He flew into a rage as soon as he left the room. All those weak-ass clones had seen him flee from nothing more than gentle touching! He growled, tightened his grip on the scythe and ran towards the back exit. Konan would probably hate it if he destroyed her base.

But once he got outside, he remembered. The forest, as lovely and choppable as it seemed, was forbidden too. Because it was the only goddamn forest around and it would take a decade to grow back. He considered going on a murder spree in town, but that would be rather dangerous, since he hadn't yet found out who or what these beings that could kill him in the blink of an eye were. Expressing his feelings would get him killed. He screamed into the air, hating that that was all he could do.

You know what? Who gives a shit! I don't care what these clones think, or what anyone thinks! If any of these super powerful whatevers have a problem, they can take it up with Jashin sama! Hidan hacked away at a tree on the edge of the backyard, ripping great huge gashes down its side. This was only a small taste of what he had planned.

"Hidan."

He buried the blades in the trunk with a loud Thunk and turned to face her. "What?!"

"You should not antagonize the clones so much. They are stronger than you think." Konan had on her boring as hell formal face. He hated that. But she was technically his superior, so he couldn't say anything.

Or could he? "I'll do whatever the fuck I want."

She let that face slip just a little, smiling. "Yahiko made it clear that no, you cannot."

Hidan ripped his scythe out of the tree. "I noticed he didn't say a damn thing about how he plans to stop me."

Konan's smile faded. "There are much subtler forces at work here than we are used to. If there is something you cannot do, then you will not think to do it. Or if you do think of it, some obstacle will appear, or some urgent matter that demands your attention. It will be impossible to do it, right up until the moment when you change your mind and decide you don't want to after all. There is no person you can pin this on, no creature, not even a god. Reality itself will arrange this."

Hidan bared his teeth. "Reality can kiss my ass."

"Clone Kisame tried that. His attempts to escape these powers turned out to be accounted for, and only helped to bring more people into the fold." Konan crossed the tiny excuse for a yard. "I'm sure you will try too. I'm just as sure that you will fail."

"I didn't escape one prison only to end up in another," he snapped. "I'll do whatever I have to to get out of this one."

"You will only do what you are permitted to do," Konan murmured.

What the fuck?! She's cool. I've seen it. Inside of her, there's something that refuses to give in to anyone's bullshit. She's a tigress. But now, I don't see any of that. She looks like she actually believes the crap she's saying. Hidan narrowed his eyes. "Who are you and what have you done with Konan?"

A familiar spark returned to her eyes. She looked up, as if remembering something that she had forgotten. "Hmm… The rules are changing…" She looked at him in the way that sent shivers up his spine. "I do know of a place where the usual restrictions on behavior are relaxed. If you go there, you may find something of value."

He swung his scythe over his shoulder and onto his back. "Let's go!"

Konan smiled and took off, sprouting paper wings. Hidan ran along the ground, using chakra to propel himself. They raced each other. Faster and faster they both went, using ever greater amounts of chakra. Konan's passing generated ferocious winds. Hidan found himself crashing through obstacles he couldn't see in time and not feeling so much as a scratch, so high was the amount of adrenaline coursing through his blood. He loved it. Now THIS is more like it!

They slowed down to a more normal speed once they reached town. Hidan had gotten enough agitation out of his system that he didn't mind. Konan landed on the flat roof of a building and leaped down to join him. They walked. "What's with all these buildings that look like giant boxes?" he said with a snort.

"The architectural styles in this world leave much to be desired," she agreed.

He kicked at the wastefully paved ground. Why pave something that was going to be ripped up anyway? Granted, that was how he felt about most buildings. And people. "So, what place are ya taking me?"

"The aquarium," Konan told him. "It would be difficult to explain what's different about the aquarium. Much easier to demonstrate." She pulled Hidan across the road to a civvy who was standing and waiting for something. Whatever it was had better come with a bell, because otherwise it was going to pass them right by. The civvy's eyes were glued to one of those talking devices Konan had. They look like a hypnotized goat, begging for slaughter. Hidan imagined the design the spray of their blood might make on the wall behind them. Reflexively, he reached up for his scythe. He was operating entirely on instinct and habit; he didn't realize what he was doing until Konan stopped him. She crossed in front of him in a whirl and grabbed his arm near the wrist, squeezing painfully. "Hidan. I need her for my demonstration."

Hidan let go of his weapon. "Fine." He lowered his hand. What a waste of a good opportunity.

Konan shook the prey's - the person's - shoulder, causing them to look up. "Excuse me. My friend and I wish to defy the laws of reality. Can you assist us?"

Hidan fought not to burst out laughing. But then, he saw that the civvy did not look surprised or astonished in any way. They tried to answer the question! "Uh… I don't know. I don't do drugs. I've heard that hanging upside down can be pretty mind-altering though."

"Perhaps," Konan said. She moved away and beckoned for Hidan to follow. The civvy went back to their device as if nothing had happened. "I will repeat that once we are at the aquarium," Konan whispered. "You will see the difference."

Hidan didn't see what brainwashing, or hypnosis, or whatever the hell was going on with the civilians had to do with him. But Konan knew what she was doing, so he kept his mouth shut.

He was surprised at the opulence of the aquarium. Who the fuck would waste so much money and effort and shit on bringing sea creatures inland? Total bullshit! Once he got inside, though, he had to admit that the results were kind of pretty. Konan offered to show him around the exhibits if he so desired. But first, she took him to what she called the main hall. On their way there, she asked, "Did you happen to notice anything as we passed the stingray pool?"

"It was weird," he replied. But he'd been so taken aback by the waste of money, and they'd passed through so quickly, that he'd neglected to follow up on that. Fuck!

"I should have paused there. We must return after this."

Hidan bared his teeth immediately upon setting foot in the main hall. He couldn't have said why. Something about the place just put him on edge. His fur bristled as he watched disorganized mobs of people stare at monuments to wastefulness while making unbearable levels of noise. Kill them all.

As if she knew what he was thinking, Konan grabbed his arm. "My demonstration comes first," she hissed. She grabbed the nearest single person she saw and repeated the exact same words as she had used earlier.

This time, the man she grabbed pulled his arm away. He looked at them like they were both nuts. "I don't know. This is an aquarium. Why the hell are you…?" He scurried away, frightened.

"You see now what I mean," Konan said to Hidan. "In the rest of town, the nature of reality is altered so as to make things more convenient for us. In this place, not as much. There is still some alteration here; nobody has noticed that you are half cat, and they will not react if you use a jutsu in front of them. But this place is much more realistic than the rest."

"What the shit does that have to do with me being a puppet?" Hidan asked. "They're civvies. None of this applies to me."

"True. However, the strange behavior of the civilians is caused by the same thing that limits your own actions. By exploring this location, you may learn something useful about that thing, something that would help you negotiate with it."

"You know what it is, don't you?"

"...Yes."

"Then why don't you just fucking tell me?"

"You would develop an instant and unbearable hatred for this world and everyone in it if I were to tell you," Konan said. "I do not think it would benefit you to know."

Hidan flicked his ears. "I don't like having shit hidden from me."

Konan looked…embarrassed? Guilty? What was that? "Do you remember how you felt reading our code of operations? This would be the same, but many times worse. I will not share this information with you, both for your benefit and for the benefit of the mortal members of my group."

Whatever thing she's talking about, the thing with the power to control my actions, is connected to the clones. Why else would learning more about it make me want to kill them? Hidan wasn't very surprised, since Clone Yahiko had already implied that he had some ability to put Hidan's actions under control. But how does it work? He can use divine powers, but she said it was something other than a god…

Konan stayed firmly at his side as they explored the main hall, ready to stop him at any moment. That was the only reason why he didn't launch into a murder spree. Seriously, the place was annoying as shit. At least sheep had the sense to wander in herds for their own protection! The prey here milled about randomly in groups that never got larger than 3 before they started to break up. The brainwashing, or hypnosis, or whatever was much stronger here than it had been outside. They were all much more distracted, much more confused, practically begging and pleading to have their meaningless lives taken from them. Once Hidan realized that, his urge to slaughter actually abated. He wasn't a mercy killer. Jashin sama only took good, vital, heart-pumping pulse-pounding trying-desperately-to-live sorts of lives. The ones that Hidan saw all around him now were worthless. Sacrificing them would be like giving Jashin sama puffed cereal instead of a hearty meal: an insult. Hidan was all too happy to leave.

Konan led him directly back to the stingray pool. She told him not to say a word until they reached it. As soon as they came within sight range, Hidan felt a tickling feeling in his belly. Connecting with Jashin sama felt like having electricity zooming through him. Being by the stingray pool, in contrast, felt like wind blowing over grass with him as the grass. It wasn't unpleasant nor pleasant, just weird. He didn't know what to make of it yet.

"Stand still," Konan whispered. "Let it touch you. It will not harm you, and its influence does not extend outside the front doors. There is no risk."

Hidan was willing to do that, just as soon as he got the goddamn civvy to quit watching him. "What are you looking at?"

"Are you twin brothers or something?" she asked, very confused. "Why didn't…?"

"Yes," Konan told her. "The Hidan you have met is a clone of this Hidan. This one, the original, was only bought back to life yesterday. That's why you have never met him nor been told about him. Yahiko, the orange-haired man, also had his original restored to life. It will be much harder to tell the two of them apart, so be restrained in your greetings from now on."

"Twin brothers," the civvy said, no longer confused. "Cool! Do you have the same empathic power?"

Hidan flattened his ears. "What?"

"Your brother, he has empathic powers. He can feel exactly what other people feel. He hates that because it means he always has to think ahead, can't just do whatever he wants." After a pause, she said, "Looks like you don't. Huh. How'd that happen?"

Konan cleared her throat. "I understand how exciting it must be to meet a new friend, Tammy. But I brought him here for a purpose."

"Oh. Got it." The civvy backed off.

Hidan focused on the stingray pool. Watching the fish circle in the water strengthened the effect. This feels kinda familiar. Why does it - Suddenly, one of the stingrays broke the surface of the water. For that brief span of time, it looked vulnerable. As if it could be hurt. Hidan realized that as long as it remained within the water, it did not seem vulnerable. They were just slow-moving animals, and he had his scythe with him. He should be able to spear one for dinner without a second's effort. But when he looked at the swimming rays and tried to imagine doing so, he couldn't. It was as if an invisible voice was telling him, No. Not these. They are under my protection.

"Fuck." He took a step back. "It's the same power as that clone had."

"Yes," Konan replied. "I have been told that, for ease of reference, he has named this deity Amita sama."

Hidan wasn't interested in that. Normally he would have been. Gods were very important to him. But right now, what mattered most was that Amita sama's power perfectly matched Konan's description. It didn't occur to me that I could hurt them at first. Even now, I can barely imagine it. And I'm standing here thinking about what this means for the rest of my life because that seems way more important than fish stew, even though I wouldn't usually give a crap about floofy abstract stuff. "What the fuck?" he growled to Konan. "You told me this mysterious 'thing' wasn't a god. If that's true, Amita sama's doing a damn good imitation."

"Hmm." Konan tilted her head. "That did not occur to me. But now that you have said so, I see that you are correct. Perhaps it and Amita sama are closely aligned. Perhaps Amita sama even…has power…" With his many years of experience hunting prey people, Hidan saw fear and nervousness creep into her. She raised a hand. "That is excellent. You have no need for restricted information after all. You may perceive Amita sama as the one responsible for your current situation. In that case, its influence clearly extends beyond this room and this pool. This location is merely a concentrated form of it." Her voice showed no sign of nervousness, though he could still see it in her posture. She was great at concealing weakness, like any predator should be. Hidan purred.

"Works for me," he interrupted his purring to say. "Why don't we get out of here, and you can show me that symbol in the basement?"

"Damn," Konan whispered. "I only have the one." She took out something drawn on a piece of paper. It looked very strange, but it was ink drawn on paper in a circular design, so what else could it have been but a seal? "This is a return-to-base seal. A matching symbol is drawn on the lamp on the front desk of the hotel. Activating this seal immediately teleports you to the front desk. But I only have one copy, and it will teleport with me. We cannot use it."

"If Amita sama has so much power over reality, maybe we can ask her for a favor," Hidan said. He just really, really wanted to be alone with Konan in the basement with a symbol of Jashin. Being with her, next to her, for so much longer than he had ever interacted with her before was driving him crazy. "Maybe make it so we can both use the seal at once."

Konan frowned. "I doubt that."

"We're not in the main hall, right? So everything should still be set up to be super convenient."

"There are limits," she replied. "And I have reason to believe that the amount of convenience we get is in the process of being reduced. It's not wise to count on it anymore."

Tammy burst out laughing. Hidan's fur bristled. He'd forgotten she was there. "Just get going already!" she exclaimed. "Can't you see that you're driving this poor man crazy? Find a hotel room or some bushes or something!"

Konan blushed. Hidan hissed. He didn't want any old place. He wanted a permanent fucking symbol of the god he had devoted his life to. "You can fly," he said while taking the seal from her. He activated it. With a whoosh and a closing of his eyes, he found himself in front of a desk, just as she had described. He peeked down the hallway and saw nobody between himself and the basement stairs. I'll hang out with Jashin sama. When she gets here, the fun starts. And nobody had better say shit about me running away from that clone.

Original Yahiko

They did eventually get around to the matter that Nagato was most concerned with: why the two clones had brought them back to life. Yahiko's clone said that originally, they were just trying to bring the dolls back to life after an accident. He did not describe the accident in any way. What kind of accident could kill dolls? They're not mortal. The clone then said that while doing that, they realized that they could go much further. Why did they decide to go much further? According to the clone, just because they could.

"You brought us back to life in order to feel powerful and important?" Nagato asked.

Clone Yahiko stopped grinning proudly and blushed. "That's - that's - uh - n-not quite."

"Sounds about right," Clone Hidan said. "Nothing wrong with wanting to feel powerful and important, Sunshine."

"B-b-but, I, I, I I, it wasn't so…selfish." Clone Yahiko cringed as he said the last word. "I…oh my god, maybe it was that selfish. I didn't consider if you guys would like being brought to life at all. I only thought about what I wanted. Oh my god."

"It's too late to doubt yourself," the tough-looking guy - Kakuzu - said sternly. "You've already done it. Own it. You can't exit a maneuver midway through."

Clone Yahiko straightened somewhat. He still blushed. "Are you guys mad that I brought you back to life against your will? Do you hate it?"

"No," Nagato told him. Only then did the clone fully relax. He let out a sigh of relief.

Yahiko had the training to keep his brave face on. But inside, he was secretly as nervous as his clone. He couldn't help but notice the lack of differences between them. Nagato's clone was much less capable. Hidan's clone had a personality so different that he seemed to be a separate person. But Yahiko's clone was just like him. The only difference was that the clone was more powerful. What does that mean? Could it be because of the powerful beings Konan mentioned? If the clones cannot freely use chakra and jutsu, then where do they get their power from? "Excuse me," he called.

Everyone looked at him. "What is it?" Nagato asked.

"Hidan mentioned divine powers. What was he talking about?"

The clones got strange looks on their faces. There was a lot of glancing around. All of Yahiko's ninja instincts activated. These clones are more dangerous than they appear. I must be ready for anything. Eventually, the one with the long black hair said, "There is too much to speak of. I cannot keep it all in mind at once. Someone else."

"It shouldn't be a big deal. We don't think it's a big deal," said the man with the shark. "So Sasori should say it."

"Fine by me," muttered a redhead with hair a couple shades lighter than Nagato's. He adjusted himself to face Yahiko and Nagato. "From what I understand, Hidan's allegiance with a god was unusual back in your world. He was the only one. Is that right?"

"It is correct," Nagato confirmed.

"In this world, that's not true. Divine powers are much more closely involved in this world than in yours. First, I should explain what I mean by divine powers." Sasori told a story of fighting a demon, having his soul partially pulled out of his body in the process, and seeing strange colors that he perceived as representing various abstract concepts. "They're not equally distributed, though. Some gods are more prevalent than others. We've identified two so far: Jashin sama and…what was the name you came up with?"

"Amita sama," Clone Yahiko replied.

"Cool. Around here, Jashin sama is interpreted as a god of vitality and life force. Its influence causes people to feel more physically alive and in touch with their body. Amita sama is best described by Yahiko." Sasori gestured to Yahiko's clone.

The clone blushed. "Uh… Amita sama… I guess if I had to use just one word, it would be…benevolence? That sort of influence makes people feel cleaner, like they've been forgiven, like they can rest now. It's really soothing."

"They seem to be cooperating," Sasori said. "Our Hidan is connected to Jashin sama, just like his original. Our Yahiko is connected to Amita sama. I don't think either of them could have brought anyone back from the dead by themselves. So that's where they got that power. Any more questions?"

The originals needed some time to digest this. While Nagato bought them that time, Yahiko sat stunned. My clone is connected to a god? Does that mean I could be too? I never had anything to do with religion. What does this mean?!

"We've heard enough," Nagato declared. "Thank you for the hospitality." He bowed his head.

"Oh, we're done?" Sasori asked. "Good. I wanted to relieve Laurie as soon as I could. Catch you all later." He got up and left the room.

"Due to a strange phenomenon called a workweek, most of the group is unavailable in the middle of the day," the black-haired clone explained. "We made an exception for you."

"I've got a shift later," said a clone with long blonde hair tied into two ponytails.

Clone Yahiko redistributed pie slices so that only two pie plates were needed and put the clear films back over them. Other clones helped gather the plates and forks. To Yahiko's terror, all four of the living dolls came over to look at him. They stared, unblinking and wide-eyed, like children. Thankfully, they didn't seem able to speak. Whatever they would have said might have caused Yahiko to die of embarrassment.

"Aren't they yours?" Nagato asked Clone Yahiko, indicating the dolls.

"I make decisions about their care, but they can interact with anyone they want," the clone replied.

"What sorts of decisions do you typically make?"

The clone shrugged. "Only ones that are really needed."

Was he oblivious or willfully ignoring Nagato's implication? Either way, the clone did not seem to understand that he should take the dolls away. "That must be frequently," Nagato continued. "They seem rather disruptive."

"No, actually, they've mellowed out a lot since I used Angel Jutsu to align them with Amita sama."

Angel Jutsu? Aligned with Amita sama? Yahiko would have loved to wonder about those things, but he was a little distracted. One of the dolls, the one with the blue X on its head, had started poking his leg. He had no idea what to do about that.

"And I'm not sure at all what's going to happen now that they died and got brought back to life," the clone said, kneeling down for a closer look at them. "They seem the same as before."

The doll with the blue mark stopped poking Yahiko's leg. It turned to the others and waved its arms just a little. They all looked up at Yahiko with extra intensity. He wanted to back away, but didn't dare show fear.

"Why don't you hold one?" Clone Yahiko asked.

The thought of cuddling with a doll the way the clone had earlier made Yahiko want to die. He shook his head. I can't. Too embarrassing!

"Oh. Right." The clone finally called the dolls over to him, picking up two of them. The rest followed on command. "Don't forget to check out the game room!" he said to Yahiko just before leaving.

The rest of the clones had discreetly left in the meantime. But the shark remained. Now that the dolls were gone, it came up to Yahiko and warbled. What does everyone want from me? I'm not aligned with any god. I can't do those things. The shark nuzzled his legs and made a sound similar to purring. Yahiko hoped it would stop.

The shark paused, licked the air, and started to whine. It nuzzled him more frantically. "What is it doing?" Yahiko asked, keeping his brave face on and refusing to show fear.

"I have no idea," Nagato said. "Samehada. You should go to Kisame."

The shark whimpered. Just then, the shark man came back. "What's taking so long?" The shark rushed over to him and whined loudly, pointing its tail at Yahiko before curling up and shaking. "Yahiko…" The shark repeated its act of curling up and shaking. "Scared?" The shark nodded. The man ran a hand through his hair. To Nagato and Yahiko, he said, "She wants me to find out what you're so scared of and help. We, uh, we do that around here. If someone's upset, we help them."

"That's not necessary," Nagato replied. "Shinobi have to be strong enough to handle themselves."

The shark man knelt down to tell the shark, "They're different from us, Same. They have their own ways. Come on." The shark seemed disappointed, but she followed him away.

Now that Nagato and Yahiko were finally alone, they could drop their brave faces. Yahiko let out a big sigh. "My clone is more powerful than me because he earned the favor of a god. I can't do that. I don't have those same powers. You are more impressive than your clone, but I'm not. If they expect me to be like him, I won't measure up."

"Don't take what they say for the truth," Nagato replied gently. "Something doesn't add up. Sasori said that in this world Jashin sama 'was interpreted as.' That's strange phrasing. It implies that someone or something has the power to reinterpret what a god is, and by so doing change them. In our world, Hidan received immortality and possibly his weapon as well from Jashin sama. How could the god they describe, which is nothing more than an unthinking abstract concept, do that? Something must have changed."

"They did look at each other a lot before answering," Yahiko murmured. "They're hiding something, or several somethings."

Nagato nodded. "We have to stay alert. Hidan didn't think very highly of the clones, and thanks to being immortal he does have great battle power. Yet a single clone was able to drive him off. We can't afford to underestimate them."

"I don't even know most of their names," Yahiko said. "Please tell me as much as you can about them."

"Of course." Nagato smiled at him. "Don't worry. I won't let anything be done to you."

Yahiko laughed. "Of course not! You never have. Why would you start now?"

Nagato's smile faded. "I have changed since your death."

Yahiko clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Not in any of the ways that matter. You're still you, and I know you've always got my back."

Nagato got tears in his eyes. "How I've missed you…"

"I know. I felt it when we met up in the afterlife."

"It is different to have a body again though," Nagato replied, blushing slightly.

Yahiko took his hand back. He felt a little embarrassed, but could not have explained why. "Yeah. It's…nice to have both. I mean, we get to meet up in the afterlife, and also in person. We get to reconcile, like, both ways. It's nice." He chuckled. "Anyway, about those clones."

"The room we woke up in before should do nicely," Nagato replied. His voice was no more than a hushed whisper, as if he was sharing a great secret that nobody else but them could know. Yahiko was not confused at all by this. It made perfect sense. He felt that somehow, they were sharing a great secret that nobody else could know about. The secret was what the two of them said to each other when they had their brave faces down. Nagato so rarely let his brave face down. Yahiko considered it a great treasure to see him vulnerable. Yahiko smiled back and nodded. Nagato checked the hallway outside the room before they left it. Seeing nobody, he beckoned Yahiko after him. They snuck through the base and up the stairs, concerned about being found out. They didn't want anyone to know.

.

A/N: I've been doing a lot of thinking about secrets recently. A few months ago, I experienced a great revelation about trauma and personality. I realized that trauma comes from stories you can't share. Human beings need to have complete stories about ourselves, a tale of who we are and where we come from. If something important happened in your life but there is no record of it - nobody else saw it or interpreted it the same way, there is nothing written down about it, nobody else knows it happened - then the only way to keep your story intact is to turn yourself into a record of it. I had this revelation after wondering why it was suddenly very easy to drop bad habits that I had repeatedly tried and failed to drop before. I realized that those bad habits were the only proof that certain negative things had happened to me. Nobody else knew how badly I'd been affected. I never told anyone. Until this summer, even I had refused to see how they affected me. I told myself that nothing bad had ever really happened to me. My bad habits, my refusal to communicate important things or accept help, they were the only evidence that I had ever felt neglected. If I dropped those bad habits, there would be literally zero proof anywhere that I had once been an unhappy, disappointed child. That part of my story would be lost. And that's unacceptable. I realized that the reason why I had suddenly developed the ability to drop those habits is because I'd finally started sharing my story with others. If others knew about it, if it was recorded in social media posts, then I didn't have to make myself into a living record. I could relax.

I started with maladaptive trauma behaviors, but I went on to apply this concept to personality, too. I believe that ALL repeated habits that can't be changed have untold stories as their source. In the case of trauma, there is a single or a few untold stories that are untold just because they are unpleasant. In the case of regular personality, the stories go untold because they are so numerous. Every single interaction, every glance, every smile, every fleeting thought, urge or feeling - those are all experiences. It takes longer to write them down than it does to experience them, and it's impossible to write them all down because they get forgotten. Who would read such a tremendous amount of data, anyway? Nobody can tolerate taking in that amount of information. So you become a living monument to it all. Moments of kindness that you've forgotten, games you don't remember ever playing, thoughts you don't remember having - nonetheless, they change you. They have to. Because otherwise, you would lose those parts of your story, and that's unacceptable.

I thought of this a few months ago. But only last week did I realize that this knowledge applies to habits I'm currently trying to form. I've been treating my life as an open book, sharing indiscriminately, because for the longest time I had negative stories that needed to get out. But now, I'm trying to take in positive stories. Now that I've recovered from the bad habits, I'm trying to establish better ones. And I'm having trouble with that. I start off highly motivated and perform them consistently. But suddenly, my motivation falls off a cliff. I stop doing the thing. The positive life change that I want to make fails to get entrenched.

Because I share too much. Because I tell people about it.

I know how habits get installed in a person. I just need to apply that knowledge. I've been sloppy. I need to get smart and start refusing to talk about the desired habits until I've accumulated enough experiences that I couldn't possibly tell anyone about them all. I need to leave those stories untold. That's the way to control what becomes a permanent part of me. If I don't start keeping some secrets, I'm not going to grow beyond what I am now.

Perhaps a part of me always sensed this risk. Perhaps that's why I write a story using fictionalized representations of myself, instead of myself as myself. If I use fictionalized representations, then nobody can tell what's me and what's just part of the story. The story can include things without becoming a record of those things. A story of me as myself would be too powerful, would risk uprooting EVERYTHING including the good stuff. A fictionalized story like this may take longer to uproot negative habits, but it's less dangerous.

So then. Keep your good habits to yourself until they're rooted deeply enough to be safe. Secrets are good things. And never, ever forget where you came from. If you don't know what you're a monument to, you can feel like you have no control over your actions. Learn your own story and keep it in mind. That's the most helpful way to live.

See you all next week.