Episode 1, Skyfall
The Doctor and Raz Awesome are making out and having sex in a public pool which is empty. However, a figure steps in "Hello Doctor" smirked the evil face of Jodie Whittaker, "im the real Thirteenth Doctor and now you will die". "Noo, NOOOOO" screamed the doctor. Raz notices Yaz, and tells her that she hates Yaz and because of that she hopes shell die like her counterpart, who died in the TRS11 universe, then was replaced by a backup Yaz who also died. Annoyed by the pair, the SJW thirteth doctro touches the pool with her Sonic and electrocutes Raz and The Real Thirteeth Doctor. Yaz is shocked, by the Doctor's casual act of murder, who says she was just feeling a little socially awkward. She asks Yaz to play Water Volleyball with her. Yaz doesn't want to, so the Doctor forcefully throws the ball at Yaz's head causing Yazs head to bleed. They both leave. Meanwhile, the real Doctor is dying. he tries his hardest to regenerate, face down in the pool. before a yellow glow brightly shines the pool.
And a middle aged man with a greybeard emerges from the pool. "GODDAMMIT" he shouts at the dead Raz, pulling her with him out of the pool and into his Tardis. "Chibs the Idiot and Doctor Nasty shall pay for this" he screams chadly, hacking off her limbs, head, and body parts with a surgical apparatus, blood spultering everyhere, trying to save poor Raz the best he can. As Raz wakes up, she mumbles, dazed and confused. She can't stand up, so she tries walking on all fours. "OH GOOD! YOU'RE AWAKE! BOUT TIME!" shouts the middle aged man unpatiently, who is also wearing what appears to be the Sixth Doctor's Jacket and some sexy tight leather pants with exsenturate the lining of his buttocks. "PROFESSOR DINKLES BRING US THE GODDAMN MIRROR!" He shouts. "sure you grumpy old bastard" replies a goat, who points a mirror at Raz's face. Who screams at her new canine body.
Meanwhile, A bunch of spies are being assassinated acros the world. In Russia, in Ukraine, even in Australia.
meanwhile A pick-up backetball game is playing, Ryan Sinclair just caught the ball and is shooting for the basket. "Go On Bojack! SHOOT!", Ryan Sinclair tries to bring in his inner LeBron James, whos his big hero and that he takes a lot of inspiration from. but the ball bounces off the rim. "Unlucky man. So next week? Yeah!?" says the friend of Ryan. "Laters. you can play now, man. You never used to step onthe court". says Tibo firend of ryan. "i shoulve got it in, ill get it in nxt time i will", "youve been sick through. Appendicitis, right? That's why we ain't seen you?" says Tibo, "Oh, yeah, yeah.""And the hernia before that?" "Oh, yeah. That was bad." "And that detached retina? Oof, that sounds painful. You've been so unlucky." "So unlucky" says Rian without expression. "So what, we don't see you and now you're off travelling?", "well kinda, well ive sorta been dead". "Oof dead, that sounds worse than a detached retina" Laughs Tibo. "I've missed you, man." laguhed Ryan, "iVe missed you too bro, We all do" smiled Tibo.
When Rian walked away from the backetball cuort, two men in black were waiting for him. "Oy mate, you coppers arent gonna kill my mate bojack like you did George Floyd", "its fine" smiled Ryan, "ill be fine, if you obey the law youll alwyas be fine unlike those BLM protesters". ryan walked to the men in black, and tibo looked at Ryan wirh a worried expression before walking away.
Ryan is later driven away in a convey under an udderpass, befone merging with the highway. "In one hundred yards..." says the SATNAV as it crackles and distorts. Ryan replys "Your equipment's not up to much". "It shouldn't be doing that" yells the agent as he taps the screen and a stream of energy lances out, blasting him into pieces. Peaces of Guts and Brian matter layer the seat. Then the accellerator pedal floors itself and they swerve through the traffic before coming to a very abrupt halt. Traffic drives past on both sides. Luckily Ryan using his really cool hacking skills manages to overcome it, because Ryan is a strong male character which hollywood is scared to write. Ryan then finds out that hes going to MI6 and drives their himself.
"why the fuck did yoy bring me here" yelled Rian, "spies are going missing, Ryan, its critcial we ned the doctor". "First of all, my name is not Ryan..", "No, dont be silly young lad your name is ryan" yelled steffen king as C. "No, Rian died, he died brutal a long time ago bro, but then i was like reborn, and now i name this new body Bojakc, after my favourite character Bojack Horseman. also i aint no wher the doctor is bro. i havent seen him in a year". "well regardless over the past week, there's been a spate of attacks on intelligence officers worldwide, of every nationality. None of these attacks has been ordered by rival intelligence agencies." "Like they'd each other." "No, we all have a very good working knowledge of what our enemies are up to. No agency possesses the technology to carry out one of these attacks. None of us understands how it was done, or even what has been done. But every agent has suffered the same fate, and all these attacks center around one cooperation.. Facebook". suddenly C's torso was blasted into a million pieces. "BOJACK! TAKE MY SPY EQUIPMENT AND GO GET THAT UNDERCOVER GUY O AND GET THE FUCKING HELL OUTTA HERE BOY YOURE OUR ONLY HOPE!". Quickly Bjock took the suitcase with all the spy equipmenr and ran for his life, as aliens stared shooting at him. "OH FUCKING HELL" he shouted as he was surrounded by the fuckers. They killed all the MI6 agents and everyone in the building.
Suddenly the Doctors tardis crashed inti the building. "WHAT THE FUCK IS FUCKING GOING ON" yelled the Doctor out of the tards doors. "RYAN? RYAN WHAT THE FUCK? YOU GODDAMN DIED!", "You the hell are you" yelled Ruan, "ITS ME THE MOTHERFUCKING DOCTOR YOY FUCK", "you dont look like the doctor" Said Bojack. "UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE AGAIN, GET THE FUCK INTO MY FUCKING TARDIS YOU FUCKING CUNT ASS BITCH" "Fine, I fucking will you old fucking cunt". Bojack went into the tarids and saw Raz awesome as a dogoo. "Raz what the hell happened to you, last time i saw you you were a pig not a dog", "That man, that fucking man did this to me" yelled Raz, "youre not the doctor, the doctor would never do this to a friend, let alone a fuck buddy, let alone wear whatever the fuck that is" said Ryan menacely "I WAS TRYING TO SAVE HER FUCKING LIFE YOU DUMB STUPID MILENIANL". "You probably just wished i was a dog" cried Raz. suddenly the light aliens were cuming into the tardies. "RAZ! DINKLES! RYAN! GRAB THE MOTHERFUCKING MACHINE GUN", so the tardis crew got out their AK-47s and shot all the aliens, but it did nothing. then Bojack opened C's suitcase with all the spy equiment and shot at the alines with laser shoes. "Dont make me do the old soft shoe shuffle" laughed Rian as he shot them all into pieces."why are you looking at pictures of a fish?" asked Professir Dinkles "ITS STEGANOGRAPHY DUMBASS! THERES ANOTHER IMAGE HIDDEN WITHIN THE PIXELS OF THIS PICTURE I TOOK FROM BOJACK. I CAN READ PIXELS! AND ITS MY FRIEND O, HES IN AUSTRALIA OF ALL PLACES FUCK!"
"OKAY THESE THINGS ARE FUCKING AFTER US, WE NEED INTEL. ME AND DINKLES, WE'LL POP OFF TO AUSTRALIA TO SEE MY OLD MATE FROM M16. RAZ AND BOJACK YOU ARE GOUNG TO SPY ON MARK ZUCKERBERG. TAKE THIS BIO-SCANNER DISGUSTED AS A DIGITAL RECORDER I WANT YOU TO TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM AND IF YOU DONT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! AND FIRST RULE OF SURVEYANCE, REMEMBER WHAT FOX MULDER SAID TRUST NO ONE!" "No, youre crazy, we dont trust you, you turned Raz into a fucking dog""DO IT OR ILL TOSS YOUR MOTHERFUCKER ASS INTO THE SUN!". so the gang decided to do it.
At META HQ Rian was panicking. "Why are you so fucking worried?" asked dog Raz, "I decided my spy name would be Logan, and now I'm worried I don't look anything like Hugh Jackman."Bojack…", "Yes Raz?", "Shut Up".
"Logan. I'm Logan. The name's Logan Jackson and this is my dog Raz", Raz growls, "I'm the photographer.", Raz rolled her eyes, as Bojack shook Mark Zucckerbergs hand "Big fan of yours." Logan said nervously sweating, the aide giggles. "I'm Mark. Don't be nervous. I don't bite. Only my own staff. Especially after this mix-up. I had to fire half the PR team." "No, not half. He's kidding. Just... two. Shall we go up? I'm sure they'll be able to find other jobs, won't they?" said the Aide. "The digital recorder says hes only 1 percent human" whispered Logan to Raz.
Suddenly the Tardis materizates in the Austrailan Outback. "Worth racing up from the city just for that" said a police office. "Got to be a trick, right? Projection? Mirrors?" saud another. "Say hello to the Doctor. I see you decoded the fish. Fancy a cuppa lover?" said O. "OH FUCK OFF IM NOT FUCKING GAY!", "we had a sling back in the day" smiled O. "Sorry, you're...? O" asked Professor Dinkles. "O" "O?" "O" "O." "Oh." "It was a joke by the others at MI6. Whenever I came into the room to meet C, he'd go, Oh, God!" "Oh." "It sort of stuck, and now I've owned it. This is Seesay and Browning. Just arrived. Australian Secret Service." "We'll be here for the whole of your visit. We're under orders to keep all of you safe." "SAFE FROM WHAT? IM THE FUCKING DOCTOR I DONT NEED YOU TO KEEP ME SAFE! OKAY LETS GO FIND OUT WHO THESE FUCKERS ARE!".
"Data from Zuckerberg's pass says he left the building hours ago. Everyone must have gone by now. Let's have a look." Logan uses a gizmo on the CCTV cameras to make themselves vanish, then they use the cloned pass on Zuckerbergs office door. "We're in." said Rian, "Got to be quick. If the Doctor's right, that should download every piece of data his computer has ever had access to. Have you seen this?" "No. why should i fucking care im a fucking dog" cried Raz weeping. "All these cameras. He's got screens monitoring half the building." "I DONT CARE about some Control freak, How long do you reckon the thing's going to take?" "5 minutes" said Bojack. The two saw Mark Zuckerberg walk back into the building, so they hid. Mark walked into the office, and said "i know youre in here" which scared the two, but a alien appeared and talked about world dominoation and stuff before disappearing. so Ryan quickly hit Mark from behind with a baseball bat then walked out with Raz and the data. Some light aliens appear around the unconsicous body of Zuck, but Rian walks away jusr before they could catch them.
"okay, theres got to be a spy master or something" said the Doctor, "get in tbe tardis, we're going to Mark Zuckerbergs bitrhday party". Cue. Bond style music as Bojack, the Doctor, O, and Raz the Dog walk up to the check in. "The Names, Doctor, The Doctor" said Bowlestrek. "welcome come on in" said the receptionist.
"Is this a bad time to mention I've never really done undercover work?" said O, "You said you worked for MI6." replied Rian, "As an analyst. In the office" replied the Master.
"Red seven. Put it on red seven. Lucky number seven." yelled Bojack,: "No more bets." said the CROUPIER "Seven." "Get in! Get in! I'm rich! Good evening, ladies." said Rian as ladies giggled and stood around Him. their big titties pressing into the face of Bojack. The Doctor was at a Poker Machine. While Raz blows on the dice and rolls. People cheer. "What, did we win?" "No. their just impressed seeing a dog play poker" "Didn't know what I was doing anyway." " You know what they say - lucky at dice, unlucky in love." smiled O, gazing loveingly into Raz's eyes. Raz didnt like that this was bestiality but this was her onlu way to sleep with a human again. "stop, you'll lose all our money you grumpy old bastard" said Professor Dinkles to The Doctor at a Poker machine "DONT TELL ME WHAT TO FUCKING DO" yelled back the Doctor.
"Okay, Zuck is funally fuckign leaving Les go" said the Doctor.
Outside the villa the Doftor walks up to Mark Zuckerberh.
"I know what you're fucking up to!" shouted the Doctor at Mark Zuckerberg, "Don't think we've been introduced." Zuck replied. "I'm the motherfucking Doctor. And I know you fucking assassinated the fuckin head of the fucking MI6 yourself." "think you're at the wrong party. Casino theme, not whodunnit." "Then why are you part Android? Part reptilian? What the Fucking Hell Are You? Silurian? Ice Warrior? One of those goddamn Draconians?", "Think you'd better get your medication checked, Doctor, or maybe some psychiatric help, because I don't know who you are or what you're talking about." "NOOOOOOOOO! FUCK YOU, YOU WOKE DEGENERATE!I BET YOU HATE SINGLE FATHERS TOO!" "You're properly unhinged." "No. I'm onto you, and I'm going to stop you!","I'm going to walk away now and you're going to stay away from me for the rest of both our lives, either voluntarily or because of my security people. Understand?" "NEVER" screwmed the doctwr.
Mark leaves.
"What the hell are you doing! Standing around like that! HES RUNING THE FUCK AWAY!", "I mean, who leaves their own birthday party? He's definitely guilty. So what do we do now?" said Ryan, "GO AFTER HIM YOU BITCH!" shouted back Raz.
So they steal three motorcycles with handy helmets - Doctor in the lead, Raz with Ryan on pillion, O holding on to Professor Dinkles as they chase The Zuck in his Maserati into the Vineyard , "it seems we have three of your motorcycles following us." Said the driver. "What exactly do I pay you for?" screamed Zuck like a little girl with her testicles removed. The driver accellerates along the dirt track.
"Go, go, go, go!" Shouted Bojack speeding into the Valeyard, "YOUR THE ONE WHOS FUCKING DRIVING" shouted back Raz.
But Zuck has a AK-47 - and starts shooting at them.
"Hey! He's shooting at us!" shouted Rian, "YES I CAN SEE THAT BOJACK! YOU DONT HAVE TO KEEP SAYING WHATS HAPPENING!" "Sorry Doctor" said Ryan as he cries inside. The bikers go between the rows of vines. Bullets bounce of the chromed bits.
"Is this what it's like being with the Doctor?" Shouted the Master, "YES WHAT ELSE WOULD IT FUCKING BE LIKE" shouted Yaz. The Didtor starts firing back At the Zuck with his rocket pistol.. They all get to the airfirled and The Maserati Ferrari hybrid Tesla Car drives into a VORE hangar as a AEOEROPLAN flies over to land.
"What now?" said the face of Bojack, The Doctor scowls at him and sonics the hangar door open.
"Is she ready to go?" asked Zuckerbaurg girlishly with his hands all tucked into his body like a girl, "All secure, Mister Zuckerberg". "How many planes does one guy need?" asked Bojack, "Bojack.. shut the fuck up" replied the Doctor. Suddenly the plane starts to move "That's one big plane, Where's he going in that?" Asked Bojadk but The Doctor hits him over the head and makes him cry.
Meanwhile Zuckerberg is strating the plaine. "Lonsdale tower, Zuckerberg one-niner, request clearance." The Doctor sonics open the cargo hatch as he starts to taxi. "Cleared to Hawkston radar vectors to Skaggs Island, then as filed. Squawk 4634." Said Air Traffic Control, There's an Alert on his panel.
"Fixed the alert sensors, because I'm a man and men know how to fix things." Shouted The Doctar, the alert goes off, Raz and Rian reach the ramp.
Raz: Argh!
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: "Zuckerberg one-niner, climb 3,000 feet, maintain runway heading, clear for takeoff. Runway zero one", "Clear for takeoff. Runway zero one. Maintain runway heading. Climb 3,000 feet, Zuckerberh one-niner." His phone is ringing. Caller ID says Private Number.
Raz and Ryan are on board, just O to go.
"Come on!" Shouted Rian to O, "BOJACK I SWEAR TO GOD" shouted the Doctor. O makes it with a last big effort, "Sorry. I've never been good at sprinting."
The Doctor sonicks the cargo hatch closed and they make their way between the rows of seats.
"What are we actually going to do?" Asked Raz, "Sit tight. See where he's going. Never been good at sprinting?" said the Doctor. "I was the last one in every race at school." replied the Master. "No, no, no. I read your file. You were a champion sprinter." O's demeaner starts to change, "Mmm. Got me. Well done." "What's going on?" Asked Dog Raz. "I don't know." Replied the Doctor nervously. "You'd best take a look out of the window." said O as a smirk creeped over his face. The homestead is flying through the air.
"How's your house out there?" asked Rian, "Bit Wicked Witch of the West, but you get the gist. Maybe. Maybe not." "No". "Oh, come on, Doctor, catch up. You can do it. Come on." "Oh!", "That's...that's my name, and that is why I chose it. Oh, so satisfying. Doctor, I did say look for the spymaster. Or should I say spy... Master? Hi.", "You can't be." "Oh, I can be. I very much am." "So what's going on, then? He's not really O?" Asked Bojack, the Doctor stared at him with a grimace. "I'm his best enemy. Call me Master." "Call you what?" Raz looked in confusion. "Me and him, we go way, way, way back." "HOW CAN YOU BE O? I MET O, YEARS AGO!l
"There was an O at MI6. C was talking about him." Replied Bojack Sinclair. "Yeah. A man very close to my heart. Well, in my pocket, actually. Do you want to see him? It's always good to keep a backup of one's work. Tissue compression, it's a classic. Oh." The Master slowly pushes open a matchbox to reveal a tiny figure.
"Ambushed him on his way to work for his first day. Shrunk him, took his identity and set myself up in MI6. Surprisingly good staff canteen." The Master throws the matchbox at the fam with ludicrous force. The Fam look in confusion as the Master starts clapping manically like a child "I have had lots of fun! LOTS AND LOTS OF FUN! if you know what i mean" he winked.
"I need to warn ZUCK!" screamed Bowlestrek storming into the cockpit (heh cock). "He's not here!" and out again "Where's ZUCK? What have you done to him?", "Wrong question. Check the seat." A timer counts down from 1.00 to 0.59. The Doctor panickes and tries deactivating it. "Cockpit bomb. Short fuse. I can RELATE to that!" smiled the Master jumping into a seat. "NOW! DO YOU REALLT THINK I WOULD NOT MAKE THAT SONIC-PROFF! COME ON! DEADLOCK SEALED DOCTOR!", "THERE MUST BE A WAY, THERE MUST BE A FUCKING WAY YOU CUNT!" " no.. there isn't you delusIonal fucking idiot. And I made sure - NO parachutes ON BORAD!".
"But where's Zuck?" asked Bojack "We saw him coming in."
"Called away before takeoff. By me! Stick with me, Bojack, cos I control... everything. Even these guys."
He whistles and clicks his fingers. Two light aliens appear.
"Yes!"
The timer on the bomb is down to 0.08
"I CANT DO IT! WE'RE GONNA FUCKING DIE!" Shouted Bowlestrek as he shuts the cockpit door just as the bomb explodes and knocks him out, decompressing the cabin.
"Yah! One last thing. Something you should know in the seconds before you die. Everything that you think you know... is a lie. Got you, finally."
The Master vanishes. The light creatures rush to the Doctor and Professor Dinkles and theY disappears as Bojack and Dog Raz hang onto seats and scream as the aeroplane goes down.
Dedicated to the memory of the Masterful Terrance Dicks