For a decade I have been adding to my list of headcanons and now I have almost 20k words in my headcanon file. My original goal was to write a life fic for Severus and a life fic for Tom, but who knows if I will ever have the time to finish them with 4 kids and a farm to run. For now, I'm going to start adding the snippets Ive written as one shots and maybe one day the lines will be connected in a fic literally a decade in the making.
Warning: Dark fic. Self harm, suicide, homiside included.
Severus rolled up his sleeves and pressed his fingers against his wrist to feel his life blood pumping through his veins. Proof he still hard a heart even though it felt like it was gone. His mind closed off those emotions, sealing them behind the same barrier he used as a child. The numbness brought a sense of clarity he didn't have while allowing himself to drown in the pain. His mind thought through all the medical texts he had read about arterial bleeding. The radial artery in the wrist seemed most common for this purpose due to how shallow and accessible it is to a simple cut. Femoral would be quick, but deep. Carotid made sense too. A powerful slicing hex would do the job. Maybe a knife too. However, it could be fixed far too quickly if someone found him first. He needed something permanent. Something that could not be healed by magical means. He needed a curse. With his emotions shut away, the academics stole his attention and his mind switched to ruins and the science behind the magic. He had made several spells before, but they were children's spells. Lighthearted and useful in life, but pointless for death. He grabbed parchment and got lost in the arithmancy as each section of the spell locked into place. He had his list of requirements: powerful, deep, hits arteries, irreversible, unhealable by potion or common spells. He found that grief and hate increased the power which suited him just fine. Would he want it quick or slow? Painless or painful? Part of him wanted to punish himself. Make himself suffer in a twisted form of repentance and remorse. Make it slow and excruciating. However, as he thought he considered the fluidity of time. As long as it was painful the time didn't matter. Any few seconds would feel like a torturous eternity and if he drew it out too long perhaps someone would have time to create a counter curse. So quick and painful would be best. Then where? Somewhere he could be found, but not too soon. It would be a right mess. He could cause yet another wound with his death and take down some of his enemies. He could frame them. Then he had an idea. He would go in the night of a full moon about an hour before Lupin would transform. If Potter and friends came along it would look like they got into a duel and they could be framed for his murder. If not, at least Lupin would consider himself a monster. if he transformed back surrounded by blood and a mangled body. Now he just needed to figure out how to get there. He knew about the blasted tree, but no idea how to get passed those flailing branches. This would take a moment to think of how to best get that information….
It had been too easy to get the information from Black. A few hints that he knew they were breaking rules and a veiled threat to catch them is all it took for Black to hand over the last clue to access Lupin. Full moon was tonight and it would be his last night to suffer. At least he could take them with him. Perhaps he might not even get to try out his new spell and would simply be mauled by a werewolf. But no, that would be far too quick and he would not suffer according to plan. He would wait until there and then curse his femoral artery. The blood would drive the wolf insane so he would have to set up a barrier around him that would devolve upon his death. It wouldn't due to his death to be stolen from him too.
It didnt work.
As soon as he saw the snarl of the wolf, Severus froze with terror. He still wanted to die, but that second of hesitation ruined everything because then he felt himself yanked back down and the trap door slammed shut over golden eyes full of blood lust. A rough, callosed hand held his own and they ran in the darkeness away from his death. Away from his revenge.
Shit.
Severus dug his feet into the ground trying to stop, but the body attatched to the hand was far stronger than him and he stumbled forward no matter how hard he tried to return.
"Come ON, Snape. We have to get out past the tree in case he breaks the door!" Ugh. For fuck sake, anyone but him! Severus tried to yank his hand out that of his enemy, but failed miserably and was instead dragged away from the werewolf. That is when they heard a loud snarl and a crash of wood shattering.
Oh, fuck. Shit.
And then his self preservation kicked in fueled by a terror he never experienced before and suddenly he wasn't fighting James and instead he was out pacing him. Boy boys heard the heavy, wet panting behind them as they ran for their lives up and out the opening of the whomping willow where they collapsed just out of reach of the tree.
Who ruined his death? James Potter of course. He already ruined his life. Why not ruin his death as well.
Severus stared into the eyes of the man that raised him. He hadn't seen his father since his mother's funeral earlier that year and he had no desire to see him now, but this time he wasnt facing his childhood nightmare alone. The man who once towered above him as a boy now cowered befre him as he was flanked by his fellow wizards.
He could read the fear in his father's eyes. It gave him a high he never experienced before to know that now he was able to step out of the shadow of the filthy muggle before him.
The man who used to leave marks on his mother and a small boy healed with his "magic kisses".
The man who he heard bruitilize her behind closed doors in a way a man should never force a woman, let alone how a husband should treat his wife.
The man who on more than one occasion left him with broken bones as he stepped in trying to defend his mother.
The man who cause his vision problems because of multiple unhealed concussions.
The man who caused his smile to be shameful after breaking his jaw before he even lost all his milk teeth.
The man who spent his meager check on alcohol at he pub rather than food to feed his wife and child.
The man who tossed his potions ingredients he spent hours foraging tothe chickens because he didnt want "that magic shit" in his home.
The man who taught him showing emotion was a weakness.
The man who left third degree burns on his mothers arms because he caught her brewing and threw the burning cauldren on her.
The man who tainted the Prince bloodline and resulted in him being seen as unworthy by his peers.
"Severus, this is my gift for you. Free yourself from this filth and step into your potential." The whisper could have been shouted for it echoed in his ears. Lord Voldemort had invited him to a tonight with promises of a gift.
At first, Severus didn't understand whe he materialzed on his childhood street. He didn't understand when his peers led the way to his childhood home. He didn't understand when Lord Voldemort didnt knock, but rather lifted his wand with a bored expression and blasted the front door of its hinges with an impressive crash. He didnt understand when they filed into the filthy room, putting his childhood shame on display with his father in just his boxers and undershirt panicking on the couch holding a beer that was now sloshed all over himself. The room was disgusting and worse than he had ever seen. It was nver clean despite his mother seeming to endlessly clean, but with her passing earlier that year, Tobias had obviously stopped cleaning up after himself. He didn't understand at first, but now he did.
"Lucius tells me you have a talent for creating spells, Severus. Care to give as a demonstration?" Lord Voldemort rarely spoke above a whisper, but everyone in the room could ear him. It was clear in his words what was expected and Severus felt his heart accelerate.
He knew he wasn't expected to show the grades school jinxes and spells he created andused with the Marauders. He had a plethora of curses he created that had never been used on anothr person, but he always wondered what they could really do if unleashed.
During their last meeting, Lord Voldemort had implied he had cut off his family that had shamef him. A father that wasnt worthy to be his father. He told Severus that he faced him at 16 and made sure the man would never have hold on him again. Now, the true maning of that conversation hit him. Both of them had unworthy fathers who needed to be removed from the equation permanently.
The boy felt rage burn theough his veins and he walked forward and stopped nose to nose with his father. The older man stood up at his full height, still taller than his son. Tobias smirked and folded his arms across his chest, but Severus vould read his eyes. It was a false bravado. Tobias was terrified.
"What, boy? Finally decided to come back and try to be a ma--." The words cut off as Severus's fist connected with his father's face. His knuckled immediately protested, but he welcmed the pain. Rage like never before seeped out of him and he hit his father again. And again. And again. His fists vonncted wherever they could reach and Tobias never even got a chance to recover from the first impact. Suddenly, a flash of light and his father went rigid under the effects of a full body bind.
"Severus." He paused and immediately turned his head to the wizard whose respect h craved, suddenly feeling some shame for his los of control.
""Severus, your past does not hold you any more. Release his bind on you. He has no power over you anymore. After all, you are one of us. You don't need to face him as a muggle. Face him as the powerful wizard you have become. Show me your potential."
Severus stepped back and took a breath. Tobias was still frozen under a body bind, but this time his cocky sirk was gone and a fear Severus had never seen took its place. The tables had turned. No longer would his father control him. He had all the power in the world.
A flick of his wand released the body bind and Tobias immediately dropped t his knees and started breathing heavily. Fear flooded his severe features and Severus found himself disgusted. Raising his wand, he cast the worst curse he created for the first time.
"Sectrumsepra"
They all watched as Tobias cried out in agony that could be heard by he entire neighborhood, but no one would come. The strong watched as blood seeped out of dozens of cut that were obviously deep enough to hit main arteries.
Severus locked up his emotions behind his mental sheild and sneered at the man. He maintained eye contact as his father bled out and watched the light fade from his eyes.
The rush of power was intoxicating. The freedom flooded through him and he had no idea how much power his father still held over him simply by existing. That night, Severus gained many new brothers that celebrated him and his arm burned with a new design showing he finally belonged.
I killed him because he was everything I never wanted to be. And I became him by doing so.